Adoption and AP

[ekblad9]

I think TAO is a good place for this. I just have some questions about adoption. It's a real possibility for us in a few years. I am interested in hearing what others think or have experienced. There is so much research done about babies/children and their womb expereince, birth experience, bonding with mother, etc. When you adopt, what if the baby is six months before you get him/her? Will they be unable to bond with you? Or what if they are two or three and weren't nursed or carried in a sling? What can I expect and how should it be handled? I would like to adopt a child over the age of one because I know there are way more of those than newborns and I've done the newborn thing so would like to give a home to an older baby.

Now I'm rattling on and on. Just looking for info! Thanks!:)

[TieDyeMom]

Ekblad7~

I don't have any experience here, just some opinions. I have seen friends of mine adopt two much older children and make it work with lots of trials and tribulations but worth it all. I think if you adopt a child still small enough to carry, it's not too late to try AP. LLL says it is also possible to bf an adoptee with a lot of prepwork effort (there probably wouldn't be enough milk to support them but definately enough to create a bonding experience).

You'll never know until you meet the exact child you are planning to adopt but whether you are able to AP or not, becoming a trusted adult in their life would change them forever.

Good luck!

[Laurel]

In general I think that a baby/child who has bonded with one caregiver can transfer attachment to other people. There may be challenges as they go through grieving the loss of that other person, but those challenges can be worked through. Depending on whether there was abuse or neglect, those things could bring challenges, but again, not insurmountable. There are others here who have experience with older babies, toddlers, and older children. (My ds was adopted as a newborn, so attachment/bonding was a breeze for us.)

As far as not being nursed or worn, I think that describes the majority of children in the US, even those who are not being placed for adoption, and most of them have bonded/are capable of bonding to people. But I definitely think that AP is especially helpful in adoption situations. Many of the books I've read about adoption of older infants or toddlers, especially internationally, recommend very AP-like methods in helping those children transition into your home. In some other countries, babies may actually be used to being worn or co-sleeping. Apparently babies in Korea are used to be carried on their caregivers backs--a lady I know on another discussion board got her children at about 6 and 8 months and used the Podegi(sp?) back carrier, and said that her children were immediately comfortable in it.

But I am not really an expert on this, so I'm sure others can answer you better.

One book you would probably want to read is called Toddler Adoption: the Weaver's Craft. I can't remember the author.

[Stonehenge]

I'd also like to point out that AP isn't just a way you relate to babies and toddlers. AP is a way you relate to your children throughout your life.

I worked in foster care and adoption for several years. It is A LOT harder to bond with many of the older kids who are available for adoption because most of them have been through multiple placements and multiple traumas and have some degree of emotional problems. Many of the deficits these kids experience in the first years of their lives can't ever be fully corrected. But, with patience and adjusted expectations, the adoptions can be successful and loving. I think the AP philosophy is a boon to that because AP parents tend to be more sensitive to a child's needs. Granted, it's harder when you don't know the child very well, but you learn.

My husband and I want to adopt a boy, age 5+. In fact, I dreamed about this last night!

Stonehenge =]

[EFmom]

I've adopted two children from China, one was 11 months and the other 14 months at the time of adoption. We have very little information about their day to day lives prior to adopting them, other than some standard boilerplate from the social welfare institutions responsible for them. Both of our kids were in great physical and developmental shape when we got them.

My older daughter is now 5, and is completing kindergarten, where she has been top of the class in just about everything. She was reading last summer. She's very kind, thoughtful, funny, happy and outgoing. She's also got non-stop energy. I'm not saying this to brag (well, maybe not much :D ), just so you know that children adopted past infancy can do quite well.

She had been in foster care and was obviously attached to her foster mother, although we never met her. She had a tough time adjusting to us initially--took one look and didn't stop screaming for five days. She gradually started to settle in and the bonding started to happen.

We've had a few minor "issues" with her. She initially had a hard time sleeping. She also had a stretch when she was about 3 and a half where she was the Queen of Tantrums. We worked through these things and found Martha Welch's Holding Time to be beneficial. We did a handful of holdings and she made a huge change for the better after the tantrums. I think it showed her that my love was totally unconditional.

Our younger daughter had been in the orphanage. She did seem attached to her nanny. She's been home about a year and a half. This child has the most easy-going, sunny disposition of any kid I've ever seen. She seemed to sense immediately that coming to us was a major improvement in her life situation, and she never looked back.

To be honest, most of the AP techniques that are so popular here were of no use to us. Neither of our girls would do the family bed. They hated the whole thing and refused to sleep with us in the same room. They were sort of past the sling thing, although we do spend lots of lap time together. I also work full time out of the house and my kids go to a family daycare, which has worked out nicely for us.

Bonding takes place over the course of a million interactions. There are things you can do to facilitate these little interactions and I think most will come pretty naturally to you, like playing games that require you and your child to gaze into eachother's faces, acts of feeding, shared laughter, etc. Maybe it will take a little more conscious activity on your part, but believe me, it's not hard.

While I know that some people advocate adoptive breast feeding, it made zero sense to me to try this with kids who were a year old or so and from a different culture. Every single thing about their lives was turned upside down when they came to us, except their bottles, which were a major source of comfort. We looked different, smelled different, sounded different, offered weird table food, etc. It seemed to me that it would be doing them a disservice to try to make them learn to breast feed at that point.

Please rest assured that bonding can take place without having a child from infancy. I was also worried about bonding with an "older" child, but it was never a problem. Adopting these kids has been the best thing dh and I have ever done. I know literally hundreds of families who have adopted children around the age of one year and know of very few problems. I'm not saying that kids without problems aren't out there--they are. Children who have been abused, neglected or who have suffered multiple placements are at higher risk for attachment problems.

Read everything you can. I second the opinion for Weaver's Craft, but read it knowing the author is presenting the worst possible scenarios, and is not portraying the typical adoption. Find some local adoption support groups (if you need help, pm me) and talk to the families and attend their events. It will give you confidence about this kind of adoption.

[ssmeest]

HI,

We just adopted our DD, Marianna, from Guatemala in March 2002. She was 8 months old when we brought her home. Because she was a premie, developmentally, she was 3-4 months old. She was doing the 2 AM feeding, couldn't rool over or hold up her head yet. But she's right on target now at 21 months.

I carried her in a sling a lot. At first she hated it, but within a couple of weeks she was OK with it. When she could walk, she would (and still does) carry it to me when she wants to be held.

We did the crib in "her" room for about 6 months until we got smart and "side carred" (took our bed frame down, lowered her mattress to the lowest notch and took off the movable side of her crib. This let's her crib be right next to our bed and they're the same level) her crib with our bed. That really made a difference and I wish I had done it sooner. Sometimes she's in her crib and other times she's cuddled up next to me.

DH and I both took turns with the midnight feedings which allowed her to bond with both of us. I wanted to breastfeed, but couldn't because of meds I was taking.

She is VERY attached to us and is a VERY loving little girl. I wish you luck with your endeavor. Adoption is truly a Gift from God.

Sandra

[Cynthia Mosher]

Movin' this over to our new Adoption board. :)

[OnTheFence]

So excited to see an adoption board here at mothering!

Anyway, for the most part a lot of babies are not APed and they turn out fine. We have family that have adopted babies at six months and 8 months old. They are very bonded to their parents and have had no attachment issues.
There is this book, the Weavers Craft and it is about Toddler Adoption. (children over 1) It discusses several issues, attachment being one, it does give the worst case scenarios but it has some good in it too. IF a child has been neglected or abused they may have attachment or bonding issues but these can be over come! Children are resilient. My adopted baby wouldnt have anything to do with anything AP. He loved a bottle and being in his crib and we had him since birth. I breastfed him for 8 weeks and he just didnt take to it. He had a good latch and suck but he didnt like to nurse.
Part of AP is listening to the child and meeting their needs. If their need is a bottle and crib, to me you are still practicing AP - just not your original thought on how it should be.