How can I help my Grandma?

[Becky N.]

First, I want to thank you all for your beautiful insights into a subject that I cannot come close to comprehending, for I have never lost a pregnancy or a baby. However, my 72 yo Grandma, who I love dearly, often speaks of the baby that she lost at 5mos into her pregnancy. Since her relationship with her two living children is strained at best, she often talks about her lost baby, saying "maybe if my second boy would have lived, things would be different"
Nobody in my family wants to hear this, and often change the subject when she brings it up (she talks of it quite often now- since she's older, I think she is starting to forget what she says and when)
How can I help her deal with her grief that has been with her for almost 50 years?? I listen to her, but often don't know what to say. I know she blames herself. She had a fight with her mom that day, and didn't go to the doctor immediately when she found out she was pregnant. Somehow, she thinks that these things caused her to miscarry. She had been having cramps whcih she attributed to gas. She went to the restroom and gave birth to the baby on the toilet. She told me that he looked like a little child's baby doll, miniature and perfect.
I know that she will never stop mourning the loss of her son
(my uncle) but I just wonder if anyone has any suggestions of what I can say to her to let her know that it was not her fault.
Thanks for your input and beautiful thoughts.
You are all wonderful and brave to share your experiences. You are really helping everyone who reads your posts.

[abimommy]

maybe if you talk to her about how even with todays technology a lot of women still have miscarriages and stillbirths....:(...i/3 of pregnancies end in live births..while the majority of these pregnancies are never discovered (they end very early) there are still many who are far into their pregnancies when they lose their child.

Does she have access to the internet?? There are many many website for parents who are grieving....

Not to be OT but this really validates the theory that talking about our pain helps the healing process...I bet she didn't have much emotional suppport when this happened.

I think the best thing is what you are doing...talking to her about it.

There is a website where you can name a star after someone....maybe she would like such a gesture or a similar memorial....

[ediesmom]

Becky,

Maybe your Grandmother would love to talk about him, and her hope and dreams for him. Give her audience. Ask questions. What was his name. What type of personality does she think he would have had.What did she dream for him. Let her make him real.

I know for me it helps so much to remember Zoe in that way.I sit there and think of holding her, still, after 10 years. I think about what style of clothes she might be drawn to. What age appropriate books we would be reading now.

It also sounds like your Grandmother has a lot of healing to do. Not being close to her living children must be hard. Maybe a feeling of closeness with her boy who died will help her heart heal a bit.

I birthed Zoe in the toilet. It brings its own sort of pain. I was obsessed for months about how I must have unconciously thought she was offal. Of course thats not really how I felt, laboring on a toilet is the most comfy spot for me. I labored with Edie for hours on the toilet because it was the only comfy spot, but I made damn sure to get off in time!

You have made me realize tthat I will never lose her totally. After 50 years and still such a connection to her son. Its wonderful for me to hear. I never want to forget.

Take care,

ediesmom

[Jacque Savageau]

ediiesmom - Thank you for your beautifull words. I'm in tears because of how deeply you loved her and how I long for her to have grown in your arms and not just your heart.

I think ediesmom had some amazing suggestions. Talk to your grandmother and let her express her feelings and talk about the baby she still longs for.


Abimommy, you're right there's a lot of wonderfull information available for greiving. You have such an understanding and kind way of listening.

[Becky N.]

Thanks for your suggestions. Next time she brings it up, I will just try to allow her to speak as freely as possible and gently remind her that it was in no way her fault. Back in the 50s there was so much misinformation, and I'm sure she got plenty of that.
Hearing all of you speak of how profoundly your losses have affected your lives has allowed me to understand my Grandma's sadness in a new light. I think that Too often miscarriage is thought of as simply a medical "condition" rather than a true loss of a life.
Your stories have given me the empathy to understand something that is often too painful to be talked about openly in our society.
Thank you.

[abimommy]

I just want to add that if when I am old I really hope my grand-daughter will be as wonderful as you are to care enough to sit and talk to me about my pain.

SHe is one lucky lady.

[Becky N.]

Thank you , abimommy, that is a true compliment.
My Grandma is the only person in my life that I have always been able to count on, in a very unstable family. The least I can do for her is to listen.

[ladylee]

Hi Becky--I'm so sorry to hear what your grandma has had to endure. It must comfort her so much to have you to listen to her, and it's so beautiful that you will help her reach closure.
Has she spoken more about it? How is she doing?