Most preposterous "helpful" comments re: homebirth?

[JaniceT]

As I have just officially passed the 41-week mark of my first pregnancy with my dd, we are noticing more and more people offering "helpful" advice or comments about our plans for a homebirth. Because these comments are coming from well-meaning people, we feel uncomfortable expressing anger and frustration at them -- and they are getting so preposterous we almost have to laugh! To have a bit of fun and to take the frustration away from an increasingly disturbing situation (especially as I get more and more "late"), I thought I'd ask for examples of the most ridiculous comments folks on these boards might have heard during their pregnancies. My favorites from this end are:

-- "I just wanted to make sure you knew that even in this day and age, women DO die in childbirth on occasion."

-- "I know you have your heart set on a natural birth, but there is a very good chance that things won't work out the way you want, and that you will end up doing things in the traditional way (epidurals, epis, possible C-section) -- I'm just telling you this so you won't be disappointed."

Arrrrrggggghh!!!! My hypnobirthing teacher had it right when he recommended my just saying to these well-meaning people: "talk to the hand!"

[Serenity]

Ugh! For the few people I've told, I've had looks of shock and comments such as:

It's better in the hospital because if something happens they can do a c-section in 5 minutes.

I don't know about this idea...

What if the cord gets wrapped around the baby's neck?

I think most people speak out of their own ignorance and fears. I've had people that act completely shocked that I want a natural childbirth! The human race would have died out eons ago if we weren't capable of birthing without drugs!

It is just that our culture puts so much faith in technology and so little in people.

[Mommy22B]

My sister in laws...grrrrr

"Do you know how fast you can bleed to death?"

ok........

They wanted me to get a notarized statement saying that it was me that wanted the homebirth and that dh wasn't forcing me so that if I DIED no one would take the kids from him.

For crying out loud. People can be so ignorant.

This is a little off topic but it cracked me up. Every time my sister inlaws said anything about their hospital births it just convinced me more to have a homebirth. It was just funny because they are pro hospital yet they are telling all these horrible things...

"Then they shaved me..."

"I had to hold Emily in through three contractions because the doctor wasn;t in the room and the nurses were morons..."

"Then the nurse that i see every day at the bank came in..."

"I missed breakfast by 30 minutes so I didn't get to eat..."

people are justtoo funny.
beth

[mamallama]

When we broke the news that we were having a homebirth, my dad asked if our midwife would bring an operating table in case I needed a c-section. He was serious.
Fortunately he demonstrated the depth of his ignorance from the get-go, and I was able to completely ignore everything else he had to say about homebirth:)

Happy birthing, Mama.

[grisandole]

My inlaws are wonderful people, and I love them, but they don't get the idea of a homebirth. I told them about it, but they still (I'm 22 weeks along) think I'm going to the hospital. When we discuss the baby/labor, I get comments like "If it hurts too much just ask for the epidural", "Have you been on the hospital tour yet?", "You'll be at the hospital for a few days", etc. They just refuse to believe that I am having the baby at home! It was annoying, but now I just think it's funny. When the time comes, and my DH calls them, I wonder if they will just drive to the hospital instead of coming to our house?!

[laralou]

Here is the one I hate the most:

"If I had had my baby at home, we both would have died!"

Like a midwife would never have any clue how to stop a woman hemorrhaging or how to deal with any number of other such complications.

[copslass]

Too funny!

Reminded me of the comment from a friend when I was planning a vbac at home 17 years ago.
"I didn't know you could have your repeat cesaren at home!"

Tracy

[Elismama]

My family and my in-laws were as supportive as they could be, and would be more supportive now that they have seen the outcome of our homebirth.

The funniest comment we got was when a good friend called, my husband told him we were in labor, and he asked, "Can I come over?" Mike stuttered, "ahh, it's not really a good time."

[motherdownunder]

I've had so many people say I must be "brave" to have a homebirth and/or aren't I afraid to have a homebirth. I always reply that you'd have to be much braver to go to hospital or that I'd be much more afraid at hospital. At least nobody's going to come at me with a knife at home.

If you need reassurance in your choices, be sure to mention home birthing to ladies over 60 and they won't bat an eyelid. To older women this is still the traditional way to have a baby.

[SagMom]

The funniest comment I had was actually AFTER my first homebirth. In telling our story, an acquaintance said, "So, there was no DOCTOR there? But how was the baby BORN?"

(Letting my imagination try to figure out what she was thinking has led me to some pretty funny thoughts--did she think the doctor brought instructions? maybe had a key to my cervix? a road map of the birth canal? perhaps she thought the baby would wait permission from the doctor to be born? Anyone else have any ideas?) :LOL

[teachermom]

My fav. one is ...but, if you don't have the baby at the hospital you have to take care of it yourself...at night too,you know. Well, duh!:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[kerikadi]

Of course I have heard all of the 'you're so brave' and 'can you get an epidural at home?' But my favorite came last week from my mother in law - "Who's going to give you your emima?" :eek:
Um...... NOBODY;)

Keri
edd 6/14/02

[Celestial]

Serenity,
BOTH of my boys had their cords around their necks. #1 was a hospital birth with a midwife (and a doctor), and # 2 was a homebirth. #1 went into fetal distress because of the various interventions. I've been told since that the reason my son almost died was because the doctor ruptured my membranes, which caused the cord to contract around DS's neck. Thank GOD for the midwife, who made me stop pushing, cut a small episitomy (because she couldn't get at the cord otherwise) and cut the cord. BUT, I don't think it would have come to that if I had been at home. By the way, the doctor was at lunch when DS was born because "It will take her a while to push the baby out, since she's a first time mom." I NEVER saw him except for when he was doing another intervention. He made it to my birthing room 30 minutes after DS was born, as I was being stitched!!!

DS #2 was born at home. His cord was around his neck AND stomach (so around him twice). The midwives saw right away, had me stop pushing, and unwrapped the cord from around his neck and torso. No problem. Out he came, and DADDY got to cut the cord for the very first time out of 3 kids. We waited until it stopped throbbing to cut it.

:-)

Anyway, I hope that helps ease your fears!

[Celestial]

Most preposterous things said to me:

"Ugh! I could never do that! I wouldn't want to clean up after the birth!"

Huh? What, you think there is blood everywhere? Besides, if you have an attended birth, that is what the midwife, doula, whatever is there for!

My mom, to my DH, while I'm in labor, and they ran out to the store together,
"You know, this is really dangerous. Celestial is high risk!"

Again, huh? I have *NO* idea where she got that from!

But I must say, one of my favorite memories after the birth has to do with a 70-80 year old woman. She was telling me about her grandmother's births, and she leans over conspiritorily and says, "You know, they had them at home back then..." I said, "Yeah, I know. My son was born at home too!" LOL! She about fell over! LOL!

[lilyka]

"At least nobody's going to come at me with a knife at home. "
:rotflmao :rotflmao
I got the whole "Your so brave to have your baby at home" and would always respond "I think your the brave one to have your baby in the hospital" But the knoife part is just so funny.

My all time favorite comment was from my mom:

"well, you aren't going to do the circ. at home are you? You will take him to the hospital for that won't you?"

Want to know how to make your mom get off your back about a home birth? Tell you aren't even considering circumsizing.

From my MIL:
"They wouldn't have made it illeagal for no good reason."
(well, of course not. There is a lot of money to made on birth and to them that is a good reason to outlaw it)

First of all it wasn't entirely illeagal. Just having a qualified birth attendant part was.

[dancingmama]

From an OB trying to convince me not to have a homebirth: "You MUST understand that childbirth is NOT a NORMAL event.":p

[I Love My Boy]

Ugh. Reading these makes me more than a little annoyed at the moment, but I know there is humour in all of this too.

From my GP who is also an OBGYN but not practicing: "Now, if you decide to go with a midwife, I strongly recommend you choose one that is on good terms with the nurses in the hospital, and I wouldn't go with one who recommends the use of herbs." (I've decided not to see her at all anymore and just use my doctor of Chinese medicine!)

From a very good friend of mine: "You HAVE to get an epidural! There is NO WAY you will get through it without." (this was after I had already been telling her that I was going to have a drug-free home waterbirth.)

From her husband: "You HAVE to have it in the hospital. You will want drugs! You are going to feel like you're DYING!"

From FIL to DH: "But what about hemoraging?! Both she and the baby could die!"

From MIL to DH: "OH. Hmmmm. I don't know about that." (with very disapproving look)

From my OWN MIDWIFE!!: "Well, this is a very nice birth plan, but I want you to keep in mind that you might still end up doing this in the hospital. OK?"

From our good friend after the birth, when DH was relating the story and ended with how we all crawled in bed for our first night's sleep in the FB: "But then, when did you go to the hospital??!!!"

From most of the other moms I know, including my GP: "I could NEVER do that! I'd be terrified!"

Other comments: "That sounds reckless." "Wow, I didn't know you were so crunchy." "Well, as long as they carry pain killers with them..."

etc. etc. etc.

For the record, labour and birth took 2 1/2 hours and the water was awesome and I'd do it again in a second. Don't listen to the nay-sayers! :D

dancingmama - yours is my favorite! Cripes!

[Serenity]

Celestial, thanks for the info on the cord being wrapped around the baby's neck. That was something I figured the midwife could handle but my friend thought it was something to be feared.

These comments/stories are really funny. Of course, they are also extremely aggravating too! Why do ignorant people feel the need to offer their "help" and advice? Ugh. If someone was doing something different from me I would be genuinely curious about it, not authoritative that they were doing the wrong thing!

[laralou]

My cousin said, "Well, surely you don't think anyone over the age of 30 should do it..."
I am 32.

[m&m]

Before my second dd (homebirth):

- "Are you going to hire a maid before the big day?"

- "Will you have an ambulance waiting at your house just in case?"

- "Will you be using the pool OUTSIDE?" - yeah right, with no fence, so all the neighbors can witness the event.

- "You know, last time they had to give you an epidural. How do you know you won't need one this time?"

And my answer to anyone saying that the hospital was better: "Last time they woke me up in the middle of the night to offer me three babies that were not mine! I want a home birth so I know I have MY baby. :) "

[yaboobarb]

From my mom
"You are so selfish to do this!"

From a family member
"If the baby dies, it will be your fault"

[Mommy22B]

I got the "You had an epidural last time, you don't even know what real labor is, how do you know you can handle it?" line from my sister in laws. That really hurt me, though it shouldn't have,.
Like, thanks for all the faith you have in my body.

[JeanetteL]

HI,
I just wanted to share the only really funny thing that was said to me during my pregnancy. My friend was due just a week after me and was planning a hospital VBAC. SHe hurried home from her OB appointment rather close to my due date, anxious to tell me what her OB told her....

"Home deliveries are for pizzas!"

How do you like that one!

Jeanette

[laralou]

Ya, in the absence of clear medical data, just give a cute one-liner! How dumb!

[SagMom]

yeah, if he wasn't using his time thinking up trite (and off-base) analogies, he might have seriously considered the ramifications of home v hospital birth...little things like the well-being of the mother and baby, the affects on siblings, rates of interventions and complications, bonding, recovery...It's a good thing there are OBs like him though, it's a reminder of why we need to preserve midwifery/homebirth as options!

[cornflake girl]

From well meaning but very ignorant friends:

"You can't have a baby under the water - it won't be able to breathe when it comes out!"

UGG!

[Kimi_Coconuts]

The most irratating to me has to be, "Thank God I was in a hospital because the cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times!!". Or, "They couldn't find a heartbeat" (never mind the baby moved down past the doppler area, put the screw in the scalp.

"you are so brave to do that, I could never do that, too many things can go wrong"

"It must be so gross birthing at home, what about all that blood??"

[Irishmommy]

I've only been told "I'd be too scared to do that", to which I always reply "I'm too scared to go to a hospital".

[Celestial]

Yes, can someone please explain to me this obsession with the "mess" that a homebirth entails?!?!

What mess?

I mean, to hear some people talk, it's splattered on the walls, all over the bed, the floor...

My best friend kept saying this over and over. "I couldn't do it. I wouldn't want to clean up afterwards!"

Of course, she was the ONLY one, outside of my DH, my midwives, and my then 7 yo son who knew I was going to have a homebirth. My mom found out when she showed up to go to the hockey game, and I was in labor. :p And the rest of them STILL think DS was born in the hospital!

[candiland]

:LOL
Celestial, I agree with you 100%! People act like your house will be covered in blood and birth gories!!!
My favorite comments are all from the same relative. "Why wouldn't you want to birth in the hospital, where they wait on you and and foot?" :confused:
"Why have it at home when you have 'all that mess' to clean up afterwards?" Uhh, my midwife does that... duhhh.... like I'm gonna hop up after giving birth and do the friggin' laundry and whip out the scrubbrushes and all....:rolleyes:
"God, that baby might come out and not be able to breath!!! What would you do then??" Umm, perform newborn resuscitation, maybe???
Or, my favorite, "What if you need a cesarean?" Gee, I guess we'll have to lay me out on the ironing board, boil a knife, and get that kid outta there!!! :thumb

[copslass]

I cleaned the instruments after hospital births as a teen volunteer.
No wonder everyone is frightened of the bloody mess!
When docs are cutting into healthy people, there is a LOT of blood! and clots! everywhere!

Most folks don't realize that birth idoes not have to be gory...
sad...

Tracy

[KareninCT]

I gave birth in a birth center (whcih was an independant area INSIDE a hospital) with my first and still heard all the rediculous comments.

-- My child and I would have died

-- What if the cord is around the babies neck? (Actually it was. Twice. The midwife had me pause my pushing and calmly removed it. Emergency over.)

I've yet to admit to a homebirth on this pregnancy. Actually I've yet to admit to his family that I'm pregnant.


You gals crack me up. This is a great thread!:LOL :rotflmao :LOL :rotflmao

[khrisday]

People do say really stupid things, I got a lot of the "you're so brave" stuff. We did have major complications, also 2 competent midwives with an axygen tank who knew that my daughter needed to get to the hospital *fast*.I actually believe that even with the complications, the homebirth benefitted her more in the long run. As for the mess, heavy meconium staining is pretty nasty, but it alos washes out easily. :)

[Kalinka]

My favorite comment was from my aunt who said.......

My aunt: "I don't know about a home birth, who will make sure that David (my husband) doesn't look when the baby's head comes out?"

Me: "What?"

My aunt: "Men can be really traumatized if they see that, it could make him never want sex again!"
:LOL :rotflmao :bgbounce

can you believe that!!!! I called my Mom and told her and we both just had to laugh because what else could you do. I have no idea what she thinks they do in a hospital. Tie him up to the head of the bed so he can't see? ;)

[LisaAZ]

I hear that all the time if I would have had my baby at home it would of died because the cord was around its neck....People don't realize that 1 in
3 babies have a cord around their neck. It is not that big of a deal.

[KatherineinCA]

I just have to thank everyone for the hilarious comments you've shared. I am pregnant with #4, nauseous and cranky, and haven't laughed that hard in a while! You made my day.

[Katambra]

This is to Celestial in regards to the "mess" Well, I DID have a mess and my van STILL isn't clean lol. I think there is a fair amoung of mess, blood and water when you have a baby, at least it has been for my last 3. I don't however think that is a good enough reason not to have a homebirth lol. I didn't have any comments before hand because I was planning on going to the hospital, but what everone has said since is "Weren't you SCARED????" and then they look shocked when I say no.
Kat

[JesseMomme]

While vieing for a homebirth with my second son (which didn't work out unfortunately) I heard some pretty outrageous things:

"What will you do with out the epidural"

"What if the baby gets stuck"

pretty typical stuff, I have since long learned how to answer. The kicker goes to a freind of mine who had a homebirth VBAC- she was told
"you belly will explode"

She laughed right in thier face.

[lilyka]

The whole mess thing. i don't get it. DO they mean because I won't be able to constantly follow around after my dd and clean up her messes while I am labor?

Seriously, though, we had no mess. we laid out a couple of $2 vinle table cloths (most likely used ones) and coverd with sheets from goodwill to absorb. They made a trail of drop cloth for me to walk to the bathroom then folded iin the corners and slipped in a garbage bag and threw it out. No mess really. I guess I wasn't on the bed which may have made the mess more.

[Greaseball]

I never heard anything that bad, just the usual "But then you won't get any drugs!" And the "Oh..." with the nervous smile.

And the "Well, have you pre-registered at the hospital just in case something goes wrong?" As if the hospital won't see me unless I do.

I ended up going to the hospital anyway because of GBS (midwife even suggested it). And there was a HUGE mess! Lots of blood, vomit, etc. But still, it's not like you can't just wash the sheets.

My mom had me and my brother at home, unassisted. I grew up thinking that was the way babies were born.

[crazy_eights]

In addition to my MIL regaling me with stories of how she and her son (and her sister and her daughter) would have died at home (b/c she was "too tired to push and needed forceps"! Oy.), I've been asked "How do they give an epidural at home?" "Can the midwife do an emergecy c/sec at your house?" and "How can you have a baby at home? I don't get it....Doesn't it hurt?" This gem from a woman who has had 3 children!

I'm an L&D nurse and I honestly had a woman ask me the other night "how did women know when to push before they had fetal monitors". I tried to keep a straight face while I told her that before they had fetal monitors women weren't numb and there was no question of when to push without a monitor! :rolleyes:

[Debbiemom]

"So, will the midwives bring stirrups to attach to your bed?"

I came SO close to laughing at her because I honestly thought she was joking...thankfully I caught myself because she was dead serious!

[mom at home]

From BIL when dh told him we had a homebirth, "don't you have insurance?". He was so far off we didn't even bother to explain as it would have been incomprehendible to him anyway.

[CanOBeans]

From my previous OB:

"Homebirth was OK back when people had 9 or 10 babies and it didn't matter if a couple of them were retarded. But now when people only have a couple babies you just can't take that chance."

Moron.

[laralou]

That is mean! I would NOT go to him!

[crazy_eights]

My husband claims that the proper response to the above idiotic comment is, "And today when you have 9 or 10 OB's you'll find a few of them are retarded!" And I'm sure they were born in hospitals.:p

[DirtyHippie]

I am laughing at this thread. I have been suprised because a lot of people we have told have been like "Thats really neat" or "People did it way back when there is no reason why it still can't be done" or another good one from the doc who is doing my husbands vasectomy "Wow, I suppose that would be really safe if you had a trained midwife" ! But then my grandmother who is 92 BTW......
"What if you bleed to death"
"Who is going to take care of you and the baby after it is born?"
"Is your midwife going to stay a few days?"
"Does your midwife really know what she is doing?"

I simply replied after all these questions "Think of all the germs that are in hospitals". Keep in mind she is paranoid about germs! This quieted her down! I also told her "You were born at home and you are fine"

[Lila]

I haven't gotten a lot of stupid comments because at 4 months I am not obvious yet. One friend who is an OB nurse acted very concerned and asked a lot of questions but later told my mother that I had obviously done my research. She still thinks I'm nuts though.

Usually when I tell someone and they act concerned I just tell them that we live 200 feet from the hospital (literally) and that shuts them up. Let them think what they want. I am confident.

My grandmother birthed 2 of her 3 at home so she and my mother are very supportive.

[bluevervain]

Let me tell you that as a homebirth midwife you are VERY motivated to keep the "mess" to a minimum! We use shower curtain liners under the sheets to protect the mattress.

As far as the whole cord around the neck thing... more often than not, you just unwrap them and everything is fine.

I've been in midwifery for a few years now and I'm expecting my first...my mother's first question was "you're not delivering at home are you?"

As if I'd choose anything else!