mesa
12-08-2006, 01:46 PM
I chickened out and wrote it down. SHe has a way of making me forget what I planned to say, and I know it would have degenerated into a fight. Here is a copy of the email, of anyone's interested:
Dear Mom,
I am writing this in email form because I want to
organize my thoughts and be very clear without trying
to think of responses to what you have to say. I want
to tell you everything I have to say, and I would
appreciate it if you think on this for a while, or
even a day or two, before you call me. I am not
interested in any negativity or criticism, so please,
take your time, try to be happy for us, and if you
can't do that, then maybe we should take a break from
each other until you can at least keep your negative
thoughts to yourself.
I am pregnant. Matt and I are deliriously happy, especially Matt, and
his folks are head over heels with joy. Matt is
already looking for a better job, and we are doing
fine. I understand that your definition of "raising
children well" and mine are vastly different, and I am
not going to try to change your viewpoint, I would
appreciate it if you would give me the same courtesy.
We have a good, happy life. Yes, money may be tight,
but we have a home to live in, electricity, heat, and
plenty of food to eat. We have warm, comfortable
clothes, shoes, and happy, happy kids. I have time to
take Nicolas and Noah to the park, be active in Boy
Scouts with Nicolas, and do fun things with both of
them. I love being a stay at home mom, and I know
that my life's work is here, raising my children.
Your goals and mine are very different, and that's ok.
I have never felt a drive to be an overachieving high
earner like you, but I get immense joy in watching my
children grow up happy and well adjusted. You can
think it's mere laziness, but I need you to try to
keep your negative opinions to yourself. Which brings
me to my next point...
You know that I love you dearly. You are one of my
best friends, and I treasure our relationship. But I
have to say, that the boundaries between my life and
yours are rather blurry. You seem to have no qualms
about voicing your highly negative and hurtful
opinions to me whenever you feel like it, and I really
don't appreciate it. If you and I are going to have a
mature, healthy mother daughter relationship, we need
to establish some boundaries. Please work with me on
this. This is what I would like to work on with you.
Please don't criticize my life choices anymore. You
are welcome to your opinions, but please accept that I
am an adult now, and my choices are mine and mine
alone to make. If I ask for your input on a possible
life change or major decision, then I will welcome any
CONSTRUCTIVE advice you may have, as long as you do
not attack me or Matt in any way.
Please accept my parenting style as I have chosen to craft it. I
choose to stay home and raise my children. Matt and I
choose to have a family, and we accept the inevitable
life changes that come with these choices. We know we
will never be rich. We are willing to make sacrifices
to make these dreams real, including working multiple
jobs, or even moving to a lower cost of living area to
make it possible. We will decide what is best for our
family, and all we ask from you is that you be a
loving grandma. You don't have to concern yourself
anymore with whether we will make it or not. And, in
return, I promise not to burden you with our troubles.
We are adults, we made these choices, and we will
learn to deal with the consequences on our own. I do
promise this, but it will take time on both our parts
to make it habit. I promise to gently remind you when
you are overstepping my boundaries, if you will
likewise be gentle about reminding me if I am
burdening you. Sometimes I am emotional and want to
vent, and it is difficult for me to resist it :)
As for our arrangement with the horses, I am willing
to work with you until I have recovered from having
this baby (I hope it's a girl...wouldn't it be great
to have another horsecrazy girl around?). Obviously,
I won't be able to trim them until I have recovered,
and riding is probably taboo too. I will continue to train on the ground, and
I will help you with the undersaddle portions of our
training. I will help you learn to ride Titan to help
get him ready for sale. In short, I will do anything
in my power to make this temporary transition as
comfortable for both of us as I can. I am thinking
about asking my neighbor (the trainer lady) if she
would be wiling to ride them for about 30 minutes a
week, and how much she would charge for that, or maybe
even putting a sign (or ad in the paper) for a
highschooler with experience to ride for us. Let me
know what you think, ok?
Anyway, mom, I don't want to fight with you about
this. I don't want to stress anymore about telling
you, so here is my email. I feel stupid, because I
shouldn't be afraid to tell my own mother that I am
expecting, especially since I am an adult woman of 27.
For once, please be happy for me.
And I know you probably won't believe me, but Matt and
I have been planning to get married for about 4 months
now, the date is next Christmas. We are having a B&B
ceremony, complete with carolers and hot chocolate, in
front of a big tree, and we are going to have a horse
drawn sleigh, too. And no, I don't plan to ask you
for any help in paying for this wedding. We are
saving for it ourselves, and we are going to use most
of our tax return on it. I personally don't want a
big wedding, but Matt really does, so we compromised.
B&B, about 25 guests, and it's being held in Minnesota
(or maybe Flagstaff...anywhere with nice snow). I'm
so excited, I wish you could be too, for once.
Please take as much time as you need to digest this,
and call me when you won't be angry. If you call and
start to lecture or yell at me, I *will* hang up.
Please, mom.....I know it's really hard for you to
accept that my life didn't turn out the way you
planned, and it's doubly hard for me because I'm your
only child, and there's nowhere else for you to focus
your gaze but on me. But I have a *good* life. I'm
happy, I love my kids, I have a fabulous, loving,
supportive partner who will do anything for me and the
boys, we have a nice life here in AZ, you and I
have a satisfying relationship...what more could we
ask for, really? And the love will only grow when
this beautiful child joins us, and I KNOW you will
fall in love the minute you meet him/her.
Love always and no matter what,
Misti
Dear Mom,
I am writing this in email form because I want to
organize my thoughts and be very clear without trying
to think of responses to what you have to say. I want
to tell you everything I have to say, and I would
appreciate it if you think on this for a while, or
even a day or two, before you call me. I am not
interested in any negativity or criticism, so please,
take your time, try to be happy for us, and if you
can't do that, then maybe we should take a break from
each other until you can at least keep your negative
thoughts to yourself.
I am pregnant. Matt and I are deliriously happy, especially Matt, and
his folks are head over heels with joy. Matt is
already looking for a better job, and we are doing
fine. I understand that your definition of "raising
children well" and mine are vastly different, and I am
not going to try to change your viewpoint, I would
appreciate it if you would give me the same courtesy.
We have a good, happy life. Yes, money may be tight,
but we have a home to live in, electricity, heat, and
plenty of food to eat. We have warm, comfortable
clothes, shoes, and happy, happy kids. I have time to
take Nicolas and Noah to the park, be active in Boy
Scouts with Nicolas, and do fun things with both of
them. I love being a stay at home mom, and I know
that my life's work is here, raising my children.
Your goals and mine are very different, and that's ok.
I have never felt a drive to be an overachieving high
earner like you, but I get immense joy in watching my
children grow up happy and well adjusted. You can
think it's mere laziness, but I need you to try to
keep your negative opinions to yourself. Which brings
me to my next point...
You know that I love you dearly. You are one of my
best friends, and I treasure our relationship. But I
have to say, that the boundaries between my life and
yours are rather blurry. You seem to have no qualms
about voicing your highly negative and hurtful
opinions to me whenever you feel like it, and I really
don't appreciate it. If you and I are going to have a
mature, healthy mother daughter relationship, we need
to establish some boundaries. Please work with me on
this. This is what I would like to work on with you.
Please don't criticize my life choices anymore. You
are welcome to your opinions, but please accept that I
am an adult now, and my choices are mine and mine
alone to make. If I ask for your input on a possible
life change or major decision, then I will welcome any
CONSTRUCTIVE advice you may have, as long as you do
not attack me or Matt in any way.
Please accept my parenting style as I have chosen to craft it. I
choose to stay home and raise my children. Matt and I
choose to have a family, and we accept the inevitable
life changes that come with these choices. We know we
will never be rich. We are willing to make sacrifices
to make these dreams real, including working multiple
jobs, or even moving to a lower cost of living area to
make it possible. We will decide what is best for our
family, and all we ask from you is that you be a
loving grandma. You don't have to concern yourself
anymore with whether we will make it or not. And, in
return, I promise not to burden you with our troubles.
We are adults, we made these choices, and we will
learn to deal with the consequences on our own. I do
promise this, but it will take time on both our parts
to make it habit. I promise to gently remind you when
you are overstepping my boundaries, if you will
likewise be gentle about reminding me if I am
burdening you. Sometimes I am emotional and want to
vent, and it is difficult for me to resist it :)
As for our arrangement with the horses, I am willing
to work with you until I have recovered from having
this baby (I hope it's a girl...wouldn't it be great
to have another horsecrazy girl around?). Obviously,
I won't be able to trim them until I have recovered,
and riding is probably taboo too. I will continue to train on the ground, and
I will help you with the undersaddle portions of our
training. I will help you learn to ride Titan to help
get him ready for sale. In short, I will do anything
in my power to make this temporary transition as
comfortable for both of us as I can. I am thinking
about asking my neighbor (the trainer lady) if she
would be wiling to ride them for about 30 minutes a
week, and how much she would charge for that, or maybe
even putting a sign (or ad in the paper) for a
highschooler with experience to ride for us. Let me
know what you think, ok?
Anyway, mom, I don't want to fight with you about
this. I don't want to stress anymore about telling
you, so here is my email. I feel stupid, because I
shouldn't be afraid to tell my own mother that I am
expecting, especially since I am an adult woman of 27.
For once, please be happy for me.
And I know you probably won't believe me, but Matt and
I have been planning to get married for about 4 months
now, the date is next Christmas. We are having a B&B
ceremony, complete with carolers and hot chocolate, in
front of a big tree, and we are going to have a horse
drawn sleigh, too. And no, I don't plan to ask you
for any help in paying for this wedding. We are
saving for it ourselves, and we are going to use most
of our tax return on it. I personally don't want a
big wedding, but Matt really does, so we compromised.
B&B, about 25 guests, and it's being held in Minnesota
(or maybe Flagstaff...anywhere with nice snow). I'm
so excited, I wish you could be too, for once.
Please take as much time as you need to digest this,
and call me when you won't be angry. If you call and
start to lecture or yell at me, I *will* hang up.
Please, mom.....I know it's really hard for you to
accept that my life didn't turn out the way you
planned, and it's doubly hard for me because I'm your
only child, and there's nowhere else for you to focus
your gaze but on me. But I have a *good* life. I'm
happy, I love my kids, I have a fabulous, loving,
supportive partner who will do anything for me and the
boys, we have a nice life here in AZ, you and I
have a satisfying relationship...what more could we
ask for, really? And the love will only grow when
this beautiful child joins us, and I KNOW you will
fall in love the minute you meet him/her.
Love always and no matter what,
Misti