Help telling SIL we're Pregnant, she miscarried today

[Remysmama]

I just found out that my SIL has had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. She is 40 and has a 16month old with downs that took her many years to concieve. She was so excited about this pregnancy that she called us the minute she found out. She has always been a bit competitive with me. After dd was born we barely ever saw her I think because it was hard on her that we had a baby first.
Here's my problem I am 4months along and She nor anyone on DH side of family knows because we wanted to surprise them at Christmas. Now we obviously will be calling his family tonight and telling them. But what and how should we tell SIL about this? Clearly we will be telling her before we arrive and not throwing in her face when we walk through the door at Christmas. Any thoughts on this would be helpful. Sorry this was so long too. Thanks

[Mary-Beth]

first of all, congratulations! May you enjoy a happy, healthy pregnancy!

I guess just calling her privately ahead of time and letting her know like you said you were going to. Try to be patient and understanding with her if she isn't giddy with excitement for you right away. Just be honest with her.

[pumpkin]

Definitely tell her ahead of time. Make sure that you don't tell her at a time where she will quickly need to compose herself and put on a happy face in front of others, in other words, don't wait until the family event and pull her aside, call or meet with her well in advance.


How to tell her. Just tell her. Maybe mention that you wanted to give her a heads up, but would prefer to make an announcement to the remainder of the family. Don't be surprised if this is a brief conversation, she may want to get off the phone rather quickly.

I have not suffered a miscarriage, but dealing with infertility, I can just say that she will need time to process her thoughts and emotions. Sometimes we have to feel a little sad before we can feel happy. The hardest thing for me is finding out and not having the privacy I need to process the intense emotions. But once I get through those, I relish every baby that comes into my life, no matter how and I'm always ecstatic to welcome someone to our family.

[ilovemyavery]

Congratulations! This is a hard subject... My BIL and his wife have been trying now for over a year with no luck :( We got pregnant on accident, when I wasn't suppose to get pregnant due to a surgery. When it was time to tell, we called them up and talked to them about it. She was happy for us, but has been very estranged this pregnancy. My last, we heard a fair amount from them, my SIL asked lots of questions, etc. now, not so much... My SIL avoided me at Thanksgiving, didn't talk to me hardly at all. It was made all the harder because last Thanksgiving I was miscarrying, they all knew about the miscarriage. So, anyway, It's hard and akward but you need to tell her before Christmas, in private, so she has time to deal with it.

[hubris]

I'm so sorry to hear about her loss. :(

I agree, definitely tell her privately and before you tell the rest of your family. She deserves to hear it from you in a setting where she doesn't have to feel self-conscious about her reaction.

I might also scale down whatever your plans were for the announcement. While it would be fun to have a big Christmas announcement, even if she knew beforehand, it would probably not be the best scenario for her. Can you tell everybody before Christmas day so that they can have their first, excited reaction before everybody sees you?

[BirthInStyle]

I agree with what everyone else has said. I have a good friend who miscarried on the day I found out I was pregnant with DD. I found that being open and honest, but not talking about it too much worked well. Of course everyone reacts differently, but she is going to need some time to get used to it before the holidays when you will probably be around her and telling everyone else.

[blessed with boys]

I've had both a miscarriage and infertility....It's sooo hard. I can imagine how she's feeling right now...I'm heartbroken for her.
Your doing the right thing by thinking of her at this time. What ever you decide to do think about how you would feel if you were in her shoes...she's grieving and hearing about your pregnancy is going to crush her right now. Dont do a big announcement at Christmas..tell everyone before hand if you can. Tell her privately so she can deal with her feelings in her own way. She will probably avoid you at Christmas...dont take it to heart. She is/will be happy for you....she's just sad for her loss right now... kwim?
I had depression bad after my miscarriage...I couldnt stand to be by pregnant women or babies, and hearing about pregnancies crushed me...
I hope she has a good support group, poor mama she's going through a lot right now.
Jackie

[barose]

Having dealt/dealing with infertility and a stillbirth, I can only imagine how she might be feeling. I agree with everyone else when they suggested telling her ahead of time. Also, I wouldn’t make a big announcement during X-mas. Just let everyone know ahead of time.

Though she might be very upset now, in the long run, she will appreciate you thinking of her at a time like this.

[gaidinsgirl]

I agree to tell her ahead of time to give her time to adjust. My husband and I tried for 9.5 years before we concieved and it was hard both times his brother told us that they were expecting again. The first time BIL told dh over the phone and dh told me. That was the easiest for me. The second time BIL announced it at a family gathering and I had to smile and say congrats while trying to find a way to sneak out of the room and cry like a baby.

[christyc]

Congrats on your pregnancy!

You've gotten some great ideas, and I agree with telling her gently ahead of time, and not making the big announcement at Christmas. Just let everyone know beforehand.

I also want to add that we recently faced my SIL's miscarriage. We had just started trying when she called excitedly to tell me she was pregnant. We told her that's so wild since we had just started trying, too, and a few weeks later we were pregnant. I told her, and she was excited (we were pregnant our first pregnancies together too, with her a few weeks behind us that time. Then, at 9 weeks pregnant (while I was 5 weeks), she miscarried. It was very hard on all of us, but we're making it through.

The first time we saw each other was when she and MIL came for my son's birthday party. She couldn't exactly avoid me, since we were at my house which isn't very big, but we didn't talk about the pregnancy. We even explained to our children ahead of time that Aunt D was probably still pretty sad about not having her baby anymore, and that if she or Grandma asks about the baby, we can talk about it, but that if we just talk about it lots and lots it might make her sad. So, they didn't bring up the pregnancy while they were here, and we didn't either. We've seen them a few times since then, and it's been a little less awkward, but we're all still a bit sensitive to it. We've just tried really hard to be thoughtful about what she's going through.

Your SIL will understand that you are going through a joyful time, just as you're able to understand that she's going through a heartbreak right now. She may not be able to really take part in that joy for now, but that doesn't have to be a permanent situation. Just give her some time to heal...

Again, congrats on your pregnancy! It says a lot about the kind of person you are that you're trying to find a way to let family know without causing any unnecessary stress to your SIL.

[Remysmama]

Thank you all for your advice. We told my MIL and FIL last night. And plan on telling SIL on Monday. MIL will be visiting her then so hopefully she can convey to SIL how sorry and uncomfortable we are to be in this situation. I am very sad for her. A part of me is also sad that this drama has so to go on during Christmas. I am four months with my second but look like I am 7 months. That is the only reason we have to tell. If there was a way I would wait until after Christmas and more time has passed I would, but it will be very apparenet to all that we are pregnant. My only hope is that we can all stay focused on the little ones who this time together is really for. We don't plan on discussing the baby at all in front of SIL. I just hope that MIL can find it in her heart to be happy for her son and I since when we told her she didn't even ask any questions at all like when the baby was due. I guess I just wish this wasn't happening. Maybe SIL will surprise me and it won't be that uncomfortable for all of us. Thanks again for all of your points of view.

[pumpkin]

I don't know about your family dynamic, but if someone told me about a pregnancy while my MIL or my mother was visiting, well, that's just one of he worst times to tell me. No way I could properly process my emotions when someone visiting - especially my mother or MIL. For me at least, complete privacy is critical.

[Lkg4dmcrc]

Several years ago, I had a miscarriage and my SIL called on Thanksgiving to tell us she was pregnant due the same week I would have been. I was devastated and couldn't even talk to her on the phone to congratulate her. DH sat there dumbfounded, said a weak congratulations and then we both felt like huge trucks had just ran us over. It was awful. She also told us that she was keeping it a secret until we were with the entire family at Christmas to make the big announcement. I was beside myself. I couldn't have dealt with anyone at my house at that time and I certainly would hate to have my mother or MIL there.

In the end, DH called her and asked that if she made a big announcement and got all the congratulations that she do this when we were not around- perhaps tell us in advance that she planned to do it and we would leave. She ended up just telling people individually and not doing a big grand thing. It was still hard but could have been a lot worse.

Good luck in however you do tell her. That is very nice of you to be concerned about her feelings.

[barose]

:hide: I hate to hijack this thread, but I wonder what is the point of making a "big announcement"? I know its to kill multiple birds with one stone, but is there another point to it? Not to be snarky, but I am truly wondering.:loveeyes:

[SomedayMom]

Telling her separately is your best move, and not making a huge deal of it is also a good move. A miscarriage can be quite devastating. Mine certainly was. I avoided a lot of pregnant friends even through my second pregnancy (I was quite scared).

The thing to note is that fertility problems and miscarriage can cause people to avoid pregnant women/new babies to protect their own aching hearts. That is normal. Considering it "competitive" is counter productive. I wasn't ever irritated that friends had babies before me, but I was hurting because I spent a while TTC my son and lost a very wanted baby.

[ChelseaG]

This happened to me - I was the one who miscarried and my sister called me on the day I miscarried (at 6.5 wks) to tell me she was pg (she didn't know I was in the process of m/cing). It was really hard to deal with and I couldn't call her and talk to her about her pg for a while - my SIL also found out she was pg 2 weeks before I did - so we were going to be due around the same time. I really didn't feel comfortable talking to either of them until I was pg again (which, luckily for me was right away).

If you really want to be sensitive to her feelings - I would avoid talking about your pg at all - tell everyone ahead of time and ask your family to not gush over you and make a big deal of it when the family is together. There will be plenty of time to celebrate later - when your SIL's emotions are not so fresh and raw.

:hug - and congrats on your pregnancy! Sorry you can't be as joyous as you would like...