Pregnant and panicking!!!

[LucyParsons]

Hi everyone, excuse me jumping in like this with my first post, but I only found this site a few days ago...

I've just found out I'm pregnant with my first child - a total accident but I was pretty excited :love My boyfriend however is feeling... negative at best :( We've talked in the past about having children someday, even discussed favourite baby names, but he just thinks the timing is all wrong now. I can see his point - we're not exactly doing brilliantly financially, and I've just quit my job to go to University in February.

Maybe my thinking is hopelessly rose-tinted, but I think we can work it all out. And we've never had any money, neither did my parents when I was a kid and we were poor but happy. I desperately want this baby, but I don't know if I can force my dp to be a father - he's a good man and I love him, I don't know if I can choose between him and my child. He hasn't 'told' me to get rid of it, and I don't think he would, but he's made his feelings pretty clear :( Can I talk him round? Should I just go ahead without his support and hope he comes round to the idea once the baby is here? I'm so confused :dizzy:

I've wanted a baby since I was about 12, and this should be a dream come true, but it's feeling more like a nightmare :gloomy:

[~member~]

:hug

[PiePie]

I am reading Kitzinger's Complete Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth -- there is a section in there about feelings when the pregnancy is unintended and another section about the partner's feelings. Check it out -- she's another Brit (I think her husband is a warden at Oxford?) so it should be readily available where you are.

[ThreeBeans]

I just wanted to throw in a :hug and tell you, you should NOT feel pressured to 'get rid' of it. That is your decision, and yours alone.

Blessings.

[queendom lady]

Give yourself some real time to be alone and to take it all in. Write him a letter maybe explaining how you feel (since we're almost always more eloquent when we have time to edit ourselves). Tell him you understand he's scared sh*tless and that it's not what you planned but that maybe this can be a really great thing! Or not. Depending on what you truly feel for yourself. This is your decision and you should never feel pressured to not have it b/c of where he is. Here if you want to message me. And if you are in for the long haul this is a great site to find for comfort and help throughout.

[LucyParsons]

Tbh, I think I've pretty much made my mind up, so I'm kind of humouring my boyfriend that 'we' haven't decided what to do yet... I guess that's not very fair on him.

PiePie - thanks for the suggestion, I'll look out for it.

[LucyParsons]

Give yourself some real time to be alone and to take it all in. Write him a letter maybe explaining how you feel (since we're almost always more eloquent when we have time to edit ourselves). Tell him you understand he's scared sh*tless and that it's not what you planned but that maybe this can be a really great thing! Or not. Depending on what you truly feel for yourself. This is your decision and you should never feel pressured to not have it b/c of where he is. Here if you want to message me. And if you are in for the long haul this is a great site to find for comfort and help throughout.

I think the letter is a really good idea! He gets so frustrated that I'm so impractical - I'm EXCITED! I'm looking forward to getting fat and making baby clothes and picking names out. He's thinking about how we can't afford it and don't have anywhere decent to live and had planned other things for the next few years. I have a bit of a 'things will work out in the end' attitude, but maybe if I can put something more concrete down on paper he'll see that we CAN do this. If we always waited for the perfect time we'd never do anything.

[QueenOfThePride]

Our first pregnancy was unplanned. Also it was right when I quit working to go to college. We were really poor for a couple of years, but it all worked out.

[mkoontz]

Yeah, and Men can change their mind so quickly about things once the baby is born. I do know many that have trouble in the beginning sometimes go on to have another little hiccup of difficulty with it in the middle, so don't be surprised if that happens - They really do come around once the baby is in their arms though

[lifescholar]

My son's father was my best friend and housemate when I got pregnant. My pregnancy all but destroyed him, so I know what it feels like.

He really wanted me to have an abortion. He cried a few times about it...not because he didn't want kids, just because he wasn't ready just then.

I did feel bad about it, but I knew what I had to do, and I did it.

He was awful to me during my pregnancy, and I eventually moved back to my mom's house. She was very supportive, went to my prenatal and childbirth classes with me, shopped for baby stuff, went to dr. appointments, etc.

After our son was born, his father couldn't help but love him, and he has been pretty great. We live 3.5 hours apart now, but he calls, and gives me money whenever he can, to help out. We get together when we can.

So, from my experience, here are some things you can do to get yourself through this:

- get support (from family, friends, other mothers, etc.)
- feel GOOD and confident about your decision
- have faith that he will come around (and know that if he doesn't, he's not the one for you anyways!)
- ENJOY your pregnancy...it only happens ONCE...you will never have THIS child inside of your body ever again...every moment of this pregnancy is a blessing (and try to remember that when you are swollen beyond recognition, and getting up to pee to the 8 millionth time!! lol)
- find out what financial aid is available to you if you end up going it alone
- start planning NOW what you will do if your DP leaves
- basically, plan for the worst, but hope for the best!

I hope that he will come around sooner rather than later, but know that you CAN do it alone, too! I never planned to be a single mom, but I really love it, and I know that the time that my son and I have together right now is something very special, that not many parents get to experience with their kids! :)

[dantesmama]

:hug

Our first pregnancy was a surprise, too. We were 19 and 21, and like you, we knew we wanted kids *eventually*, but not then. (We thought, hehe) Once I got over the initial shock, I was SO excited. DP was not. He said he didn't know if he wanted the baby, which was devastating to me. As the weeks went on, however, and the fact that we had created a new life set in, he became excited. We had no idea how we were going to "afford" a baby, but we had a lot of material support from our families, and in the end we learned it wasn't even an issue. Now, two years later, we're pregnant again, and we're still not rolling in the dough, but we're doing fine. I don't even have to work, and can go to school part-time. I'm so glad we conceived our son when we did, and so is DP.

I would never, ever "get rid" of a child just because a boyfriend wanted me to. A child is a precious gift, and you may never be so blessed again. I agree with what lifescholar said about planning for the worst but hoping for the best - you should always have a plan in case things don't work out. And, as Queendom lady suggested, write your dp a letter. See if he'll come with you to your first few prenatal appointments (hearing the heartbeat made a big difference for my dp). He may or may not come around, but remember, that is not the fault of your unborn babe.

Also, having a baby really *isn't* expensive at all. You don't need half the things most people get. If you breastfeed, your babe's food is free for the first year or so. If you cosleep, you don't need a crib or a bassinet, and you don't need a second bedroom. Cloth diapering means a small investment up front, but you don't need to buy disposables every week and it's cheaper in the long run. Carrying and wearing your babe in a comfy sling means you don't need a stroller. You can get great, brand-name baby clothes in perfect condition amazingly cheap at consignment shops.

Good luck, and always trust your instincts and your conscience! Please let us know how things turn out!

[LucyParsons]

Hi again mamas - thanks so much for your support and suggestions!

So, I wrote all my feelings down in a letter, and outlined all the practical ways how I think we can work this. We had a long, emotional (and I'm very emotional at the moment) discussion that turned into a screaming row, but I did make my intention to keep our baby very clear.

And dp turned round to me and said seeing as I've always been so vocally pro-choice, he doesn't understand why I'm determined to keep an unwanted pregnancy :dizzy: WHAT??? This is a 'wanted pregnancy' - I WANT IT! Of course I'm pro-choice, and I've made my choice. I pretty much lost it with him at that point :irked:

Now dp has gone out somewhere, and I'm home alone. Guess I'd better hope for the best and plan for the worst :(