Hope I'm okay posting here- I read sometimes, but never post here...

I have a wonderful (IMNSHO) almost 5 year old DD. She is extremely conscious, expressive, sensitive, generous and caring. She also has a hard time in certain situations, where she gets apparently "shy"...

She (all her life) is not good with goodbye or thank you. In addition, if someone tries to give her something, she will not take it from them directly.

Our approcah until recently... I am not a mother who makes her child say things she obviously isn't ready to say with sincerity or understanding. IOW, I never made Ariah say "sorry" or thank you as an infant/toddler. I DID model it for her however. I did talk to her about how her actions might make someone feel, and then give her examples of what might be in order... A "I am sorry that I hit you. I won't do it again." Or "wow, thank you so much for making me that special _____ it really made me feel good." As time went on and she got older, I would invite her to say these things when they were appropriate. I would model them for her, but not force her to say them. After the situation was over, we talk about it and offer our feelings about it.

So until recently, I was okay with this. But now it is changing. She is old enough IMO to get that "thank you" is necessary and old enough to understand basically the feelings involved when someone does not show gratitude. So I expect her to start saying these things- or at least practicing them until she gets totally used to it.

Some recent examples: a potter just gave her lessons and kiln use for free. A woman down the street bought her a dress ariah was desperate for. A friend invited her to play for the entire day, took her to a play, got some food at a restaurant. Her great grandfather gave her money for an upcoming trip. None of which she was willing to say thank you in the moment for.

We talked about it everytime, in the moment, and after. She seems to really get the need for gratitude, as she offered in every situation to thank the people in some way- with a beautiful letter and drawing, with a phone call, etc. This was not due to coersion or threat, just her own offer and willingness.

I did tell her as part of my sharing MY OWN feelings about it, that I felt like I may not let her parttake in the things people offered her next time, if I couldn't be assured that she would say "thankyou" in the moment. IF I thought she couldn't start doing that, we would have to declivne the next generous offer. Not intended as punishment on my behalf- just to link the ideas of the need to be grateful for the gifts and the gifts being received.. Like if we did something wonderful for someone and they did not seem to appreciate it, we may not do it again for them. Ariah gets this, but still she is coming up shy.

Yesterday, after all of this that we have been talking and talking about, her GG drove to our house to gift her with money for an upcoming trip. (which she wouldn't herself take out of his hand) I invited her to say thank you. She declined every time. I modeled it for her in fromt of him, and he left. Later on we talked about it, and she said she just feels funny saying thank you. I guess shy or embarrassed. I left it at that for a while, then in a totally different peaceful moment, asked her if she would like to call pop-pop and thank him. She agreed immediately. I told her I was glad cause I was thinking that I didn't feel comfortble with her spending any of the money until gratitudes were shown...

Any advice? Anything I am not seeing, other approches, etc?

I am really really really into things being said ONLY when they are sincere and authentic. So I am not into forcing her to say things or do things. I am however into teaching and guiding...

I really hope to hear what ya'll have to say...

(Ugh, I still can't update my sigline:( )

She seems to really get the need for gratitude, as she offered in every situation to thank the people in some way- with a beautiful letter and drawing, with a phone call, etc. I think that indicates that she's doing fine! She has a hard time expressing gratitude in the moment--it feels overwhelming somehow--but she IS expressing it appropriately. Have any of the people who were thanked later told you that they felt really hurt at not being thanked at the time? If not, I say let it go. Continue to model saying thanks in the moment, but don't keep harping on it. Encourage your daughter to express her gratitude in her own way, SOON after the gift, and I think it's fine.

ITA with the pp. She's completely willing to show gratitude, just not on your terms. I think it's wonderful that she has come up with her own way of expressing gratitude in a way that is in her comfort zone - even if it doesn't fit your expectation of what she "should" be doing.