On Silly Putty and Power....

[mamaduck]

This morning my 6 year old tiptoed into my room where I was still sleeping and whispered in my ear, “Mom, I have a problem. Silly putty in my hair.”

“Again?” I groaned.

“Yeah.” He grimaced. His teeth were set and his eyes were sheepish.

”Okay, well I’m still sleeping, so can we get it out later?”

“Yeah.” He tiptoed back out.

Later his Dad and I sat calmly sipping our coffee and studying his head. We tried icing it, but that didn’t really help. I finally said, “Well, we can cut your hair. And it will look funny for a while. Or I can try to comb it out with some oil.”

An hour later, I poured some olive oil on his head, and gently teased out the putty. He let out one loud shout, but held perfectly still until I was done, thanked me graciously, and ran off to play.

I smiled to myself.

When I was 6, I put gum in my hair. My mom spanked me. She cut a bald spot on my head. She threw away my gum and forbade me from having more for the next 2 years. She gave me the cold shoulder for about 3 days, acting as though I had committed this offense purely for the sake of antagonizing her. And for 3 straight weeks she made nasty little comments about how awful my hair looked, just to drive home the lesson.

I smiled as I remembered. I felt joy. I felt joy because as a mother myself, I have the power to let things like this go - to let go of my own pain and forgive my mom, and to make different choices as I move forward with my own kids. I have the power to take these small daily mishaps with a grain of salt. I have the power to help my kids out of rough spots without belittling or punishing them over their childishness.

Heck, I didn’t even take the silly putty away!



:D

[Quirky]

You rock! :thumb :thumb :thumb

What an awesome example of choosing to parent differently than you were parented, and helping to heal yourself of the painful parenting choices your mom made!

Your children are very lucky.

[Alegria]

That's a very sweet and sad story mamaduck.
I was raised the way you were and am raising dd like you seem to be with your son.

Even still when i do something with out thinking, if i make a mistake, like this morning i clogged up our toilete, my husband gets all bent out of shape and It's so hard to let go of it, for me that just brings back old feelings and that yucky voice that say's you're so stupid, you can never do anything right? The good thing is, things are very different for my dd. She is allowed to explore and make messes with no guilt. That is also healing for me to allow her not to be perfect.:)

[chapulina]

thank you for sharing that anecdote - very uplifting!
I suspect there are a lot of us here (on the forum), that mother our darlings consciously because of past experiences.

[ekblad9]

:hug Thanks for sharing that story!

[Gracefulmom]

:nod :flower :nod :flower :nod :flower :nod :flower :nod :flower :nod

Mamaduck, you are an inspiration!! GREAT job!!

[CerridwenLorelei]

sharing that!

[mamaduck]

Thanks for listening.

You know --- I am not exactly parenting this way "in reaction" to the way I was raised. On the contrary, my inclination for a long time was to parent exactly the way I was raised, and its been a long hard fight for me. I'm having to parent very deliberately -- and very consciously, and its hard work.

What I'm finding -- to my great surprise -- is that when I am successful at GDing -- it is not only great for my kids, but it is very healing for me as well. What a nice surprise.

:)

[CerridwenLorelei]

story involving my mother??

[mamaduck]

Of course I do!!!!!

(MD slides over to make room on the soap box.) :D

[CerridwenLorelei]

phase ( please Goddess let it be just a phase LOL) ( see my post on the childhood years for details)
Normally it is here at home but he got really snarky at a resteraunt and my mother told him to quit being a brat,which of course made him dig his heels in even worse.
He got really ugly with the teen brother and was about to yell and I took him to the bathroom
We talked about what he was doing and how and why it was inappropriate behaviour
He told me "I am sorry mom " and when we went back out he told my mother and his brother he was sorry and gave them a hug
My mom says "busted his butt did you?"
Ummm no-just talked to hiim
Well it that had been you I would have busted your butt right then right there"
"I know mom, but he isn't me and I am not you"

" I can't believe he straightened up by you talking to him!!"
"but you see it before you don't you ?"
"I have to admit that "

Insert a secret inside smug smile that came over Cerri at this point :)
(gives MD back the soapbox)

[mamaduck]

:D

Horray!!! Thats just GREAT!

[my2suns]

I am totally wiping off tears as I finished reading your post mamaduck. I have spent the last week trying to explain to DH why I feel the need to use GD with our two boys. His parents were VERY young when he was born, so they grew up together. Not really any raised voices, or raised hands until they were much older, and then only voices. I on the other hand was raised in a home with authoritarian parents and a Mom who used her "loud voice" often.
DH has a hard time understanding that it is a choice I have to make every day. I need to remind myself before I act, speak, and sometimes even think. It is a great task to choose to parent differently than we were parented. I know the rewards will be great, but somedays I still hear my Mom coming out of my mouth and I gasp. Then the guilt sets in. But each day is a new day, and a chance to do better!
Thank you for a wonderful reminder of why I made this choice!
Mel

[nuggetsmom]

:thumb :thumb :thumb

Mamaduck, you really are an inspiration! This is sooo awsome.

And really, I have to say that I got gum in my hair a few weeks ago. Luckily I got it out (well, I did cut it). Sonce as adults we still do silly things isn't it a great gift that we don't belittle our children when they do.

:love :love

[Embee]

Mamaduck,

Thank you for sharing this...

Best regards,

Embee

[NoraB]

Mamaduck, you are awesome!

I often think about how, everytime I am gentle and responsive w/ DD, I am also mothering the little girl inside of me that was spanked, yelled at, called terrible names, etc. Being a good mother to DD is healing my own soul. Also, I helping my own mom. She has begun to change a lot just watching me parent my child. She's become anti-spanking and yelling. She's on the road to believing in GD. I never bring up the past w/ her and I've forgiven her for it all. I'm hoping watching me parent will be as healing for her as it is for me.

[mamaduck]

My mom just wrote me this note for mother's day:

Happy Mom's day. You're a great mom. I hope you feel honored and blessed today. I'm very proud of you and what you're doing with your life. You're boys are simply wonderful. I have no worries about them--- I am not concerned for them in any way. I don't have to be, because I respect, trust and admire the way you're raising them. I love you


:crying :)

[Alegria]

wow! that is so sweet You should be Proud:love

[Kylix]

I loved that story mamaduck! Good for you for winning the struggle to parent differently. I know it will be hard for me but it's something I'm committed to do.

That's wonderful too that your mom wrote you that mother's day note. It's good to know that she's taking note of the way you are raising your boys.

Kylix