No one here knows me, because I am new... well maybe you know me or heard of my daughter... Emerald.

Anyhow today is the dad we found out she had cancer 3 years ago. This means that we are closing in on her anniversary of her death, the second time. I feel like I can't breathe. I am afraid to say anything to people in real life, because so many seem to think that I should be able to get past this by now, but it just hurts more and more... It doesn't help that I am expecting in May. The first baby I will have without her.

Days that would have been perfect, like the other kids birthdays or just a beautiful day are always not perfect because of that one thing... the one thing that will never go away. I wish time would just stop and the whole world would stop for just an hour. I still can't believe that I am a parent of a kid that died. I just loved her so much, and she is gone anyhow. It just feels wrong.

Anyhow, I am just posting this because I feel like I can't talk to the people here in my world.

Missing Emerald March 27, 1994-March 12, 2005

Gemberly, please be kind to yourself. Anniversaries are ALWAYS hard. Phoebe would have been a young woman, perhaps a mother by now, but I still can't ignore the anniversary of her death or her estimated due date without feeling crabby and out-of-sorts. I can only imagine how much worse it must have been to lose Emerald to cancer and I don't think you are quite aware of what a very short time it has been and how raw your wounds still are.

It doesn't go away but it comes in waves. You will never forget her, but you will have days where you can still feel the happiness through the tears. I have even had days where I can look at the pictures of Phoenix and scan them and remember the feel and smell of her, although I'm a long way from being able to say anything more about losing her than that she was a girl and that she was born healthy and at home.

This board is here for you to remember your daughter and share your grief and know that you will always find somebody who understands and can help you get through the rough patches.

There is a lady here who goes by hahamommy who lost a daughter to cancer about a year ago. She is very wise and I hope that she finds your post and can offer you more support and advice than I can.

:hug :candle
I'm so sorry I'm the first to post as I'm terrible at knowing what to say. I wish I could hug you. I send you love and peace.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so very sorry.

I'm sorry that you don't have anyone to talk to in your world.

I've been reading about grief. They say that everyone has their own timetable, but to assume it will take at least two years to get through just the first stage of healing. And they say that the rest of the world will probably give you three months.

My son died 7 weeks ago.

:hug:candle i am so sorry for your loss and it is okay and normal to grieve..you lost your child.. you will always love and miss her.

I'm so sorry mama!!

noordinaryspider is right it comes in waves.

I didn't lose a child but a sister who I pretty much raised. She was hit by a car in 95 at the age of 5. With her, it is bad because she died Good Friday and her funeral was Easter Sunday. The paper misprinted her obituary to read Feb 14 not April 14. So I dislike both Easter and Valentines day.

I hope you find the strength you need to get through this wave!! Your in my thoughts!

I didn't want to -- no, I couldn't read this and not post. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope it helps to talk about your pain here, especially since you're having a hard time talking about it in the real world.

I wish I had more to say, but in this case words simply fail.

You will be in my thoughts, Gemberly, and I hope you are able to find some peace.

Ohhhh...... Gemberly and "napless" and everyone else here who've lost children or like-children-to's .... I'm so deeply sorry. I wish I could say something magical to make the pain go away for each of you. I hope you find peace within yourselves.

:grouphug

...and for all souls lost

:candle :candle :candle :candle :candle :candle

.

Gemberly,

:hug

I'm not sure what brought me to your post today but I think of you always. I followed Emerald's story on your cb page and check in often to see how you are doing. I don't know what you're going through but I know you will find lots of support here at MDC. I'm sorry for what you are going through and I can't possibly imagine what it's been like for you and your family. Be gentle with yourself, talk to those who will listen & give A & I big hugs.

Please don't take this the wrong way but I'm glad to see your post. I have been thinking about you lots these days.

:hug

I'm so very sorry for all of the mothers here who are grieving. :candle

No one here knows me, because I am new... well maybe you know me or heard of my daughter... Emerald.

Anyhow today is the dad we found out she had cancer 3 years ago. This means that we are closing in on her anniversary of her death, the second time. I feel like I can't breathe. I am afraid to say anything to people in real life, because so many seem to think that I should be able to get past this by now, but it just hurts more and more... It doesn't help that I am expecting in May. The first baby I will have without her.

Days that would have been perfect, like the other kids birthdays or just a beautiful day are always not perfect because of that one thing... the one thing that will never go away. I wish time would just stop and the whole world would stop for just an hour. I still can't believe that I am a parent of a kid that died. I just loved her so much, and she is gone anyhow. It just feels wrong.
[snip]
Missing Emerald March 27, 1994-March 12, 2005

:grouphug Oh sweetie :grouphug I'm approaching the anniversary of Hannah's diagnosis, on the 12th, which will then mean it's only 12 days from there to her Death Day Celebration. I'm really not ready for this date to be here... :gloomy:
I envy the joy the new baby brings for you... what a reassuring distraction. Truly, you are living the full cycle of life.
Hayden is amazingly wise, in his nearly 8.5 years, he reminded me that he's still here and he needs my focus and attention.
I hope for you (and for me) that the perfect day becomes today.

~diana :love

Gemberly,

I know it doesn't seem like it, but it does change. I don't know if it gets "easier" although I guess it does, but it changes. The hardest anniversary for me was the 5th year because then DS was "gone" from me as long as I "had him" with me, ya know? It was also the same year that I got pregnant with my DS2 and he had wanted a baby brother/sister so bad and we hadn't been able to give it to him due to fertility issues. I spent that anniversary alone (DH went to visit his family), 4 months pregnant, and I got out every picture I had of DS and spent a week (literally) going through each and every thing and making him an album (I had never gotten around to making a baby book, he was diagnosed at 2.5 and died at 5) and crying, and crying, and crying. I didn't want DS2 to have to live in the shadow of a lost brother. :gloomy: I'm not sure if he would have had to, but it really did help me move past it in a way I hadn't been able to before. DS2 was born and looked so much like DS1 that we couldn't chose a name for him and kept calling him by DS1's name. I still miss him oh-so-much and I talk about him all the time to everyone. I don't care how it makes other people feel, he was my son and a real person and I will always keep him a part of our lives.

But now the anniversary is not a heart-wrenching emotional roller coaster. I remember all his funny, quirky habits, his smile, his voice. I miss holding him but I'm so grateful to have known him and I wouldn't trade a minute of knowing him to lessen the pain of losing him.

Whenever I read about mom like you (and me) I always wish I were a big emotional sponge and could just hug that person and absorb some of her pain.....

:hug I will stop my world for a moment to honor your loss, mama. There may not be anything more unjust in the world than losing one of our babies.

I am sending healing energy to you in the hopes that you will find tangible support from your IRL friends and family. There is no getting past, only getting better at learning to live our lives differently than they were.

Perhaps a ritual on this day would help? For example, taking the day off and going to a place that was special to you both?

Much much love.

:hug Emerald is such a beautiful name.

I miss holding him but I'm so grateful to have known him and I wouldn't trade a minute of knowing him to lessen the pain of losing him.



That's just how I feel. Thanks for the reminder.

Thinking of you, Gemberly.

I am so sorry for all the losses mentioned here :grouphug

Gemberly,

:hug

I'm not sure what brought me to your post today but I think of you always. I followed Emerald's story on your cb page and check in often to see how you are doing. I don't know what you're going through but I know you will find lots of support here at MDC. I'm sorry for what you are going through and I can't possibly imagine what it's been like for you and your family. Be gentle with yourself, talk to those who will listen & give A & I big hugs.

Please don't take this the wrong way but I'm glad to see your post. I have been thinking about you lots these days.

:hug

Ditto. I've read your cb site for a long time! I'm glad you are seeking support on here! I think about you often! Emerald truly is a gem!

oh mamas. :grouphug
:candle for Emerald and all the other little ones who left too soon.

so much love going out to all you grieving mamas.

I am so sorry for your loss. I do not wonder why you are not over it.I am just so sorry.

My DH was diagnosed in March also with cancer. Seven years later he was given six months to live in March.

:hugs

Losing a child...there are no words. I am sorry that it happened to you.

:hug I have followed your story for awhile as well. I can't begin to know what you must be feeling. But everytime I see a picture of Emerald there is something about her that just shines. She truly is a gem. :hug

I'm sending you the longest, most calming hug in the world. I wish I could hug you right now. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. :Hug

I'm sorry for your loss and your sadness.
I lost my son in december, and it's just not something a mama should have to go through.

It doesn't help that I am expecting in May. The first baby I will have without her.

Days that would have been perfect, like the other kids birthdays or just a beautiful day are always not perfect because of that one thing... the one thing that will never go away. I wish time would just stop and the whole world would stop for just an hour. I still can't believe that I am a parent of a kid that died. I just loved her so much, and she is gone anyhow.

That's just so poignantly heartbreaking. :hug I hope you can find someone in your life to share this with--you shouldn't be expected to just move past it, but I think people who haven't been through it don't know what to do or say.