Sacrificing family for career and other lies

[papabliss]

I got in a discussion the other day about promotion and tenure at our university. My gut feeling (which has nothing to do with real p & t issues) was that those who sacrificed their family to further their careers were not the ones who should be rewarded, but rather those who did a good job, were productive and were good spouses and parents.

I know of several faculty members who live the life of Hugh Heffner, work their tails off and pay child support to several kids in multiple families.

Why is that a good thing that should be looked up to? I think the next time I hear someone praise a man who “sacrificed his family time” to pursue his lofty goals, I will confront them. I think the (mostly) men who do this are purely selfish, and prefer time away from family. Hey, I gotta call em like I see em!

This even comes up when listening to the drivel drool from the Enron execs mouths. They all seem to want to quit the company to spend more time with their family (which is mostly now made of grown children and a spouse knee deep in his/her own career.

Any thoughts on this? Am I off-base for being a capitalist American?

[Pallas]

I ... I think I love you ...

[pina la nina]

You are so right on! I work in science and its a tough road career-wise, you have to write grants to fund your work, publish or perish and then teach on top of it all - let alone whatever commitees you sit on, etc. And i've seen dads handle all that with a variety of skill. One family I am really close to - has a now 4 yo son - who just wants to hang with his daddy. It breaks my heart, as much as I admire his scientific genius, I just want to smack him and say "your son is growing up without you." He regularly takes meetings until 11pm and on weekends, he travels for work - its so hard on the little guy. The problem is, it does take a really brilliant person to do good work in this field and not neglect your family. But thats one of the choices you have to make. I do admire the ones who sacrifice for their kids so much more.

[TripkeHughes]

OMG... I totally agree. You don't have to be in a University or in the Science field to struggle with this either. My dh works in IT and before we married/had children he worked a ton of hours, often staying until 3AM just to return in the early morning the next day. Of course they LOVED him and he aways got the job done, so much so they kept giving him more work, which he also got done. In the end he found it to be a vicious cycle. Now that we are married, and now have a child he works about 40-50 hours a week. They give him a hard time for leaving at 5 even though he came in at 6. Whatever! In the end, we know our reward is not at work, but at home and in our hearts. Hard to keep track of that at times but you know what I mean.

I hate to see the ones who have ruined their families get rewarded. WHATEVER!

[free_ape]

This is a huge issue for me.

I have, since my first kid was born, worked or studied fulltime. I have been out of house from 38 to 50 or 60 hours a week. I keep it my goal to try and find a job that will keep me close to our kids.

Realizing the folly of finding that needle early we have since turned to broader lifesyle changes. We are currently looking toward Intentional Communities for that change. Many of the ones we are going to visit this summer have communally located businesses. Thus you are never that far from the kids and in some instances they are even with you. I suppose I am lucky in that i am into almost any kind of work. The reward for me comes when i can share most experiences with my older 2 1/2 year old, and soon the younger one.

Both of my parents were gone my entire life--working. I feel the loss, and refuse to lay that down on my kids. I am betting they will appreciate me for this in the long run ;).

thanks for reading.

free ape

[FatherDove]

I want to apologize in advance for this lengthy post and if I seem to drift off topic.

Although I am not a "work-a-holic" I am the sole financial provider for our family. This was a decision that my dw and I made years before we had our child. Not because I think women's place is in the home (HA!) and not so we could have children, but rather so my dw could persue her writing career.

Well, years later, we have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful new home! We could never have imagined that it would have worked out this way, but we have been blessed and realize it. However, with these new responsibilities comes increased anxiety about providing for our family. I am constantly faced with the dilema of work over family.

I always choose family! But I don't stop working...

I work as a Consultant designing and developing Internet/intranet web sites. This affords me the ability to work from home more than most which has been a true gift. So I do my 8 hours a day at the office before I go home and work another 2-4 hours there. My dh and dd spend time with me in our office playing while I work.

This is not the most productive use of my time, or is it? I am often distracted my dd's giggling, screaming, and pulling on my leg. But I prefer to think of it as my work distracting me from playing with my dd. So I take time here-and-there to pick her up, talk to her, tickle her, play with her, and let her know that her father is there and loves her.

Is this the most passionate and involved way I could spend time with our dd? No. But it seems to work. Although she is only 9½ months (it may be too soon) she does not display any anxiety, unfamiliarity, or uneasiness when I am around. Quite the opposite. She smiles, laughs, and reaches for me like her favorite play toy! It is such a joy!

To make this long story longer, I think that I have reached a delicate balance between work and family. Our family is very fortunate for that. But I do know if I were forced to decide, I would rather be a poor family than a rich divorcee or resented father. Although I am working our dd sees me there and can get immediate results from her cooing or pulling. Even if it is just a minute or two. She still gets it.

This is a perfect example of quality and not quantity. There are dads who fall into the opposite category than the family sacrificers we are discussing here: those that have all sorts of time to be with their family, but do other things instead. To me, they are no different. Whether working on your yard, in your workshop, or even in your office, if you don't include your little one(s) you are still making the same mistake.

My suggestion to those of you faced with the dilema of work or family is compromise. No job is worth losing your family, but families need income to survive. Here are some things your might try to to help manange your family and work schedules:

Ask your employer to allow you to telecommute once a week
Ask to work a 4/10 week instead of the typical 5/8
DO NOT WORK WEEKENDS!
Take a sick day and go to the park, museum, or backyard! Just spend it with your family.
If you live close to home, go home for lunch!
If you have to be in the office everyday have your spouse bring your children to work once a week to have lunch
If you are required to get training (IT for example) schedule your training during the work day and offsite, if possible


If you are a hard worker and get your job done, no employer that I have worked for or heard of would ever reject your request to spend more time with your family, especially if they have one themselves. Just be sincere in your request and stress the importance of your family to your health and stress relief.

And for those of you who think you have to work overtime -- you don't. Did you know it is illegal for any company to force a salaried employee to work more than 40 hours? Well, it is. They can ask, they can plead, and they can give insentives, but they can't make you do it. You have the power to say no.

For those of you who still don't think you have enough time to spend with your family, try thinking about how much time it will take to drive the distance to visit them every other weekend, the time it will take to find another spouse who will tolerate your absense, or the time it will take for you to convince your children that you do love them even though you weren't there while they were growing up.

Those couple hours a day don't seem so bad now, do they? ;)