Losing some of the bond with 1st after a m/c

[moonglowmama]

Wow, I'm so glad to know this forum exists- been a while since I've been here.

Today my ds and I were looking at a photo album of pictures since his birth. He loved it and we were having a great time. THen we got to the end of the album, about the time I lost my girl in a miscarriage, more than a year ago. I should explain that when I got pregnant with Stella, ds was 9 months old and still exclusively breastfeeding. My milk supply dropped as a result of the pregnancy and I simply could not produce enough milk for him. He lost weight and didn't look healthy. Finally, we got him to eat other foods (he wouldn't for a long time).

Anyway, when I saw the pictures of him, and us, we all looked so sad and I had several realizations hit at once. 1- I am a different person now. I used to be so happy, so full of patience, love, seeing my son for the wonderful person he is all the time 2- I have lost the close bond we used to share. It was almost as if we were one person, we were in such harmony. I understood him, and we jived, so to speak. Does anyone know what I mean? 3- Now, I feel like there is this discord between he and I- nothing obvious or big, just that we aren't really emotionally/mentally connected anymore.

I think what happened is I was in deep grief for several months during and after the loss of Stella and to be honest, I don't have any memories of my son during that time (well, not many) even though I was with him every day. I think I was just surviving and I was internally focused.

Now, my son (2yo) has recently potty trained himself, weaned and is becoming more and more independent all the time. Without that special nursing time, I feel really disconnected and I can feel myself get frustrated about things that normally I wouldn't. Also, I am giving him that special, quality attention time that I have always given him and that he so richly deserves.

I think some of what we're experiencing is normal, but I also think that a lot of it has to do with my loss and I find it just makes me wish I had never gotten pregnant with Stella (even befoer we conceived, it didn't feel right, but I ignored that). Lots of growth and good has come from losing Stella, but I have a desparate need to get back in touch with my dear sweet son before this baby comes (I'm 5 months pregnant).

I don't know exactly what my question is, so feedback is fine. Also, has anyone else experienced a separation like that with their first child after losing one? How can I treasure him more fully, make him feel extra special now? I can see objectively that I am still a great mother to him, but right now I am feeling like I've lost out on so much time with him, and I'm realizing that with another baby on the way, it's important to me that he know how special he is, and that I am able to make good memories for us now.

By the way, I also realized that I have hardly any pictures of this past year- well, I might have more than I think, but I have no idea where they are and so that just highlights for me how it feels llike I've lost a year with my son.

Thank you mamas

[Gemini]

I *get* what you're saying....

I heard a talk by someone about the effect woman that have had a loss and connection to the subsequent baby. (I know your situation is a little different regarding your ds, but still could be helpful for baby inside) She said that women who *held* their deceased, born still baby had *more* of a disconnect (to subsequent children) than women that did *not* hold their baby (ie let the nurses take baby away right away). The connections made while holding the baby made a profound impact on these women and so there was a disconnect to subsequent children due to the *connection* made with the lost child. Did that make sense?? I'm having a hard time arrticulating myself tonight, so sorry if it doesn't. Another thing that she showed us was an ultrasound picture (this is the part I feel could be significant for you), before she put it up for us to see, she tells us the history of this mother: she'd had *2* infant losses of different natures (possibly miscarriages too, I can't recall) and this pregnacy had some ups and downs, but was mostly doing well. The speaker put up the u/s picture and you see a front face view of this baby, and the look on this babies face is a mixture of sadness, worry, bitterness and anger all rolled up into one. A look of pure dispair on this little ones face, which was a mirror of what the mother was feeling throughout this pregnacy. It was SO profound to see this. I was so moved by this because I too had an infant loss and my baby carried nothing but a scowl for the first 2 months of life. I carried some very bad feelings while pregnant with her and I feel she was reflecting that.

I know it's so damn tough to move on from loss, and yes, the disconnection with your son is understandable. I just want you to have positive feelings, because I do believe even inside our babies can sense what is going on with mom and internalize it.

Don't feel guilty about things with your ds. I can sense the love you do have for him in your post! I hardly have any pictures on dd of those first few months either, and it definately took awhile for me to bond with her. I felt I was just going through the motions of the *nessesities* to keep baby alive for the first 2 1/2 months. I really think you're on the right track with what you are wanting with your ds now, you can make it happen! I can tell you want to. I think it just comes with the little things at first and then grows from there.

Also, maybe the feelings of not wanting to be pregnant with Stella to begin with might be something to explore more. That may be a major source of your feelings to work through which are manifesting into the rest of your life in a negative way.

I've rambled on enough, I hope I made a small amount of sense in the babbling I did.... :blah sorry....

edited to add...whoa! :eek just noticed how long your post has been sitting here without one response! Shows how often I come into here...:o :rolleyes: