Helping a friend

[lilyka]

I have a friend who loves being a mom. It is her whole life. But her children are getting older and her days of having little ones in the nest were coming to a close when all of a sudden she found herself quite unexpectedly pregnant. We were all soooooooo excited for her and quite honestly for ourselves. After all we would all get our share of baby loving with this wee one. She announced her preg. on sept. 11 and the news drowned out all the bad stuff of the day and we went from mourning all that was lodt to giggling and squealing like school girls. It was awsome to see co much joy brought into our fiend's life.

A few weeks later she miscarried. It is always sad when someone looses a baby but thier was an added sadness that there would be no more. She was 45 and entering menopause when she concieved. The loss of her child haunted her dreams and consumed her thoughts for months. When she was finally begainning to make peace some thing happened that made them think she perhaps had retained fetal tissue and they had to do a D&C. This a drudged up all the sad feeling and nightmares and the fact that now she would be nearing her due date and all she wants is her baby and who can blame her.

I have never had a misscarrage but it is my worst fear. What do I say to my grieving friend? What comfort can I offer? I feel so helpless and am terrified of saying something stupid that may come out the wrong way and seem insensitive. I thought I would ask you guys since you have been there and would know what helped the most. I just want to make it all better but know that I can't. But is there anything I can do?

[Darci]

First of all, I'm so sorry for your friend. She is very lucky to have someone like you to care for her.

As for me, I want people to just say, "ya know, I'm not too sure what to say, or what to do, but I'm here for you and I'm sorry this happened." Or something to that effect. And then YOU make the effort to call HER. I have a lot of friends who tell me to call them anytime, but only a few that I would really truly be comfortable doing that with. I really appreciate most the friends who call in the middle of the afternoon jsut to check on me.

Also ask her what you can do, and ask her to be specific. Does she need help getting her laundry done? Tell her you'll help. Does she want somone to cry with/talk to? Then do that. People always give generic and vague offers when they don't know what else to do or say.

I also had a dear friend who dropped by one afternoon with KFC for our supper! My older kids were quite glad to see her that day...:)

Kudos to you for being a friend to her! Keep us posted.

[Jacque Savageau]

Darci, I'm so glad to have you as a member hear. You have a kind and gentle soul - thank you for your advice, it's perfect.

I agree, you're a wonderfull friend.

[LEmama]

You may also want to acknowledge her due date or the 1 year anniversary of her loss with a phone call, note or candle.

[3girls1boy]

I think if you just speak from the heart, and go ahead and say, "I'm afraid of saying something stupid," it will be okay.

When I miscarried (also an unexpected pregnancy) I just wanted people to ask me how I was doing. My DH didn't want to talk about it and I didn't have anyone close to me who really understood what I was going through. I found alot of help, but talking about it on a discussion board similar to this one. I found one on www.parentsplace.com which was called, "Resolutions: moving on after a loss" which was for women who were not planning on having any more children. This was better for me, because on some other miscarriage boards, people would be discussing trying to get pregnant again, which was painful for me to read about.

I was so sad too because now there would be no more babies for us either. (Funny thing though, 2 months later, despite careful use of birth control, I was pregnant with my little boy. I think there was just a little soul who was determined to get to my family.)

Jeanne