Step families/Blended families

[laralou]

Anyone else have a combination of your kids/my kids/our kids? I have a lot of problems that arise surrounding the step family "issue" so it would be great to have some mommas who understand my prediicament.

I have a 9yo ds from a previous relationship and have been married for 1 1/2 years to dh and have 6mo g/g twins with him.

I'll wait and see if others join before talking about issues.

[ombra*luna]

I have a 13-year-old daughter and a 10-year-old son, from before I married my husband, and we have a 2-year-old son together.

Issues? Hah!

I have to run because my son missed the school bus and we need to walk to school, but I'll try to check back again later.

[sylviamama]

Hey there laralou and Queenie! I sent a PM to Piglet68 last night asking where stepfamilies post, and wondering if a separate forum could be created. She replied that I should post a thread here, and if there was enough response, they could ask Cynthia to create a new forum!

I have a 9 yo dsd (I was her toddler teacher - that's how I met dh - so we've known each other 7 years). Dh and I have been married two years this coming July, and we have an 11 mo dd.

I've been posting a little in preteens/teens and parents as partners, but I feel that I need a forum just for stepparenting. I just finished a book "Keys to Becoming a Successful Stepmother". It was kind of cheesy, but suggested (no, stressed) that a stepmom needs to find a support group of other stepmoms who have BTDT.

I hope lots of stepmoms and stepdads find their way here to rally for a new forum!

[spiritfreedom]

Hi, I am mom to Faith who is not biologically my dhs, and Cort, who is. We do have some issues with this and I'd love to chat about stuff.

[lisamarie]

Hey~

Great thread!:thumb

Anyways, Todd and I have been married almost 2 years and I have Dane who is 6 1/2 from my first marriage and then Amber, who was born 4/24/03.

Todd is in the process of adopting Dane right now. Has anyone else gone through this??? My first dh past away, so there wasn't any paternal issues, but we have included Dane in the decision making process. He calls Todd, "Todd", but refers to him as his Dad to others.

Hugs~

Lisa:bf

[carmen veranda]

I have a 17 yr old from my marriage. I have 2 dd's, one 8 and and one 3, from my relationship with their dad, whom I never married. So no step-men in my family, but my eldest's dad was married to a woman with a child, and is now married to a woman with three teenagers!!! Does anyone else have kids who have to deal with step sibs and step mom? My other two's dad has a girlfriend, but she seems to be on the way out and her kids are both grown. But who knows, the next one may have kids that my kids will have to somehow integrate into their lives....

[Mallory]

Well the family that I am the mother of is not blended or step or anything.

But this summer I am driving from Kansas to Idaho with my two boys (2 and 3) my dad and half brother and half sister (11 and 8) and his new girlfriend and her two daughters (16 and 11). I imagine it is going to be quite an experience.

I know that one of thier (dad and his girlfriend) biggest problems are the two eleven year olds, one who is used to being the baby of the family (and being and 11 year old girl is hard anyway) and one who has much older siblings (he is 14 years younger then me and 13 year younger then my only full brother), but basically has a place as the oldest. And the fact that they are a girl and a boy at an age where getting along with the oposite sex is tricky anyway.

Lisamarie- I lived with my stepmom (the mom of my half siblings) from 11 until college and I always called her by her name, I think especially because my mom had died I didn't want anyone else to be mom. We looked into adoption too, but it was too expensive for us, I know that when we (my full brother and I) moved in with dad and stepmom she had such a hard time getting us enrolled in school, to the doctor, ect. because she wasn't our mom. Does it bother your husband? Could they come up with some other name that is not dad but still be a special part of their relationship?

Hope I am not intruding,

[lisamarie]

Mallory~

I really appreciate your input! I have talked w/my ds about a special name for Todd, but we haven't come up w/anything yet. Its hard, because we don't want to call him "Uncle Todd" or something like that. We have our home study the day after Father's Day and then we should be done!

Babe's crying...

Warmly~

Lisa:hug

[laralou]

I didn't mean to start then abandon this thread. We just had father's day. Ds addressed the card to "Dad". Dh would love it if ds would call him "Dad", but right now he calls him by his name, but calls him "my dad" to other people. I think things may change when the girls start calling dh "Daddy."

[Threefold]

I am not rasing a blended family, btut I was raised in one, so I hope I'm not intruding either, but I did want to stop in to say that I called my step-dad "Uncle Bill" for 6 years and then with the help of my step-grandmother was able to begin to call him "Dad" (just before my mom became pregnant with my, technically, half sister) but never "Daddy" . My bio-father, much less an active part of my life remains "Daddy" to this day, though he died when I was in high school. My "Dad" adopted me when I was 19. I took his last name as a middle name. I had a much better life this way than I would have had my mom stayed with my bio-dad, and I knew that even as a child, despite what I may have told my mom when I was mad :rolleyes: . Best of luck to all of you~~blended families will always have a special place in my heart.

[simple gifts]

I'm glad to see this thread. We're a very blended family. I have 4 kids from my previous marriage, 3 who live with us. My dh has 4 kids from his previous marriage, who live in another state, but visit on holidays and in the summer. We have one son together, who is 14 months old.

Not counting my oldest dd, who is grown and gone from home, our kids are 15, 14, 13, 10, 10, 7, 5, and 14 months. The oldest three are girls, the youngest 5 are boys.

One of my hardest things right now is that my kids are going to see their father for a few weeks, and his kids are coming to stay with us. That part is fine, but my kids don't like having his kids stay in their rooms while they are not around. The kids all get along well, they have actually known each other for years, I think my kids just feel invaded in some ways.

Anyway, it's good to have someone who understands!

[MamaChel]

My dh is the one with children from a previous marriage. We also have an almost one year old son together. The kids only come to visit once or twice a month or so. (Visitation is ordered every other weekend, rarely happens too much other stuff.) It's very hard for us sometimes to deal with the issues. I knew my dh's kids before I knew dh. We've been married 3 years, together 4, but are still struggling to find the balance. I've had 2 stepdads and one stepmom, between all my parents I have 5 younger siblings. I was raised in a blended family but, was totally unprepared for the reality of coping with completely different parenting styles. I'm glad this thread is here.

[daisysmom]

I just remarried, and while dh is wonderful, his behavior around dd has changed since he met my ex in April. There have been a few days where he is back to his normal self, but most of the time he seems to be afraid to think of her as his child. Meeting her dad kind of made him realize he wasn't the only dad she would ever have. He seems to be afraid that she won't ever love him as much as she love her father. I'm not sure why it bothers him so much, he is so much more of a dad to her than her father ever was.

[laralou]

daisysmom, we have exactly the same situation. We always go through a transition when ds comes back from a visit (2x year) where dh is so hurt that ds seems to love this person who really does nothing for him. After awhile he forgets it and they get back to their relationship, but it is stress-city for me for awhile.

[daisysmom]

laralou, is there anything you've found that can help the process? He was just getting back to normal and then he had to have surgery. That scared him so badly that he just distanced himself from everyone. Hopefully it passes soon, but in the meantime, any ideas? He's starting to feel more comfortable when dd's papi calls, but there's still a long way to go.

[laralou]

Well, our situation is a little easier because ds's biodad never calls and only sees ds twice a year. But I try to encourage them to bond by spending time together, sharing things they both enjoy (cars, music, video games, etc.). I defer to dh on things that I would normally handle. I'll say, "I don't know. Why don't you ask (dh)?" I point out the nice things that they do for each other to each other. I call dh whenever ds says nice things about him or refers to him as "dad". I tell ds whenever dh says something nice or goes out of his way to do nice things for him.

It isn't easy. We have only been together for 3 1/2 years, so it has been an adjustment. When ds gets back from a visit, it is just a tense week. I am constantly talking to dh reminding him that when ds is grown, he will know who was there for him. He will see his biodad for what he is. But until then, we can't stand in his way or he will resent and blame us for not having a relationship.

I don't know if any of that helps since my situation is a little different.

[liz-hippymom]

well , here's my family's story-
i have a 3 1/2 son from a previous relationship. the bio dad abandoned us when i was preggers. i met gabriel a little over a year ago, he had a 1 year old boy who he had been raising alone for 6 months because biomom wasnt interested and was more into partying and drugs. me and gabe got together. we got married in may and i have been "mommy" to tristan and gabe has been "daddy" to kiryn since we were first dating.(he proposed two weeks after we met :) ) we are going through extended court hoop-jumping. bio dad gave up rights, so gabe is trying to adopt kiryn, biomom dosnt want to take time to see tristan or pay anything for his support but is still opposing termination adoption. we have spent 12k so far fighting this battle which is free for her because she shows up each time without a lawyer and alot of crocodile tears....there are many issues to deal with here!

[lisamarie]

Hey everyone~

Well, we just had our Adoption Day on Friday~Todd adopted Dane. It went great and then we had a party with family and friends here afterwards!:balloons

Warmly~

Lisa:bf

[village idiot]

Congratulations to you, Todd and Dane!

I have been married almost 4 yrs. (together almost 5) and have a 12yo dd from a previous relationship who lives with me and a 8 1/2 mo dd with my dh. My 12yo's father lives 800 miles away but pays child support, calls her every weekend and see her at least twice a year. We hope they can see each other more often since we will be homeschooling this year. The split with her father was amicable and we get along well. Of course, dd misses him alot, though.

The realization that my dh is not dd's "real" dad is something I think is always in the back of his mind. I have a hard time understanding this because he is there with her more than her biological dad although dh is not home alot, yk? I guess I don't understand this competition thing. It almost seems as though that's what it is to me sometimes. Well, if I can't be her "real" dad then where do I fit in? So I just won't get close to her. So what if you're not her "real" father. Just treat her like you would your own kid and do normal stuff with her. I do have to say that things have gotten better lately so maybe he is getting over this some. They share some interests...movies, SpongeBob come to mind.

Anyway, after almost 5 years together, we still have many blended family issues.

Well I think my post is confusing but maybe someone will understand where I'm coming from.

[daisysmom]

Congrats!

I hope things work out as well in my family as they have for you all

[hoppytoad]

Hello, everybody! Just wondering if you have any advice you wanted to share or things you wish you would've talked about before you got married.

My boyfriend has two children, and I have two of my own. Both sets of kids only see their other respective parents once every week or two. Other than that , we'd all be together if BF and I ever get married (which we both hope will happen someday).

Thanks for whatever you'd like to share. :)

[Maracita]

Hi,
would love to reply in more detail, but for now just my story.
I have a ds who is almost 2 with former husband, now my new boyfriend (living together for 4 months) has two sons, 12 and 16. We have known each other casually and then as friends for about 10 years. Daisymon, your situation sounds just like mine.
I was very odd when ex-dh came to visit, but more on that later.
There definately are some issues, so I am glad to be joining here.
Love to all!

[sylviamama]

I wanted to post this here instead of in Parenting Issues cause I knew there were stepmothers who could share their stories. I am having a hard time with how much/how little to be involved in "scheduling" discussions with dh. I have a 9 yo dsd (dh and her mom divorced when she was about 1.5, and we were married when she was 7).

Dh and I have been communicating regularly about scheduling. What's coming up, when we'd like to have dsd with us, holidays, vacations, etc. The fighting starts when dsd's mom wants and expects changes (often at the last minute) to accomodate her plans. Dh wants to be flexible in hopes that she will return the favor, but then we lose out on having dsd with us, sometimes losing money we've spent on a ticket for her or disappointing friends and family cause she's not with us, etc.

I've been considering not giving dh my .02 worth anymore because talking about it makes me angry, I get frustrated that things don't change, I make plans based on what I think the schedule is only to have them wrecked by something "more important" that dsd needs to do with her mother, dh and I already have enough to argue about with two children, finances, housekeeping, etc.

Is it silly to not let him know what I want just because I can't keep myself from getting so worked up over it?

[carmen veranda]

Well.....

You said you didn't think things would change. So, you can do three things, IMO.

Bang your head against the wall
Let it go
Continue to work for change

The thing with #3 is that as the Step mom, you have the least say so. It dh and his dex want things to be the way they are now, then they will stay that way.

It is too bad that dsd's mom has things that are more important than what your family has already scheduled. FWIT, I can't think of a single step family situation that does not deal with this on some level.
My exh and his wife, I swear they did it for fun. My dd and I were looking at old picture albums recently and she kept saying, "how come I wasn't there?" "How come I didn't go with you?" How come I am not in this picture?" Bummer. Sometimes they would change their mind about her going somewhere with me because "something came up", only to spend the weekend fighting at home instead.
My heart goes out to you.
Remember even if she is a PITA, she is dsd mom, and she will always be in your lives.
Maybe dh is not communicating well with her? I know many situations where the scheduling is done better between the dex and the new spouse.
Take care... Hang in there...

[sylviamama]

carmen veranda - thanks so much for those words of encouragement and wisdom. Just last night, dh suggested just that! I resorted to speaking with him about our vacation plans for next week and we finally got it all worked out (we planned to have dsd here Sat morning at 9:00 for our weekend at the usual drop-off time and then leave on Sun morning after a full day to adjust to life as the 4 of us, unwind from a week's worth of being at her mom's, do her own laundry and packing, etc. but her mom wants her til 3 in the afternoon instead - she waits until a couple of days before to ask even though she's had these plans for weeks - and dh buckled and gave in to her cause she was really insistent and dismissed his claim that dsd needed some down time to transition - not to mention me and dh - she says "she's a kid, she'll handle it" - so we ended up calling the campground to change our reservation to a day later so we can leave Mon instead).

I'm telling dh that I don't understand why he doesn't get the final say in decisions re: our time, and why he didn't just say no, she needs to be here at 9:00. I figure he'll never get dsd's mom to see it from our perspective so that shouldn't be a criteria for making a decision - only if he can talk her into seeing it his way and agreeing that this is best, most important, etc. So dh says to me, "you know, you thought maybe you should step out of the discussions re: scheduling, I think maybe it would be better for me to step out and you and dsd's mom can make the plans". I don't think she would go for it, and I'm sure that as much as I can say, "you should say this or that" or "you should put your foot down" from the comfort of after-the-fact, I might not actually get the results I want either when I'm in the middle of a discussion over the phone with such a IMO manipulative and selfish person. I'm not sure I want that job - maybe it would be an even bigger stressor.

[summerdgo]

My story: DH and I each had two kids before we met, married. Now we have one together. DH's kiddos live with us 9.5 months out of the year. My boys have no contact with bio dads. We've been married for 17 months.

I'd like to talk with other stepmoms about lots of issues.

I am really struggling with my stepkids right now. They have behavior and emotional difficulties that my biokids don't. DH doesn't see it as clearly as I do. I am so afraid of being more critical of his kids that I am sometimes overly critical of my kids. Even in my most objective moments though, I can see a big difference. Any advice on helping kids adjust to AP and GD when they still visit elsewhere. (Forget trying to coordinate with biomom - she views me as the antichrist)

I also am wrestling with DH about visitation. The ex will call and want extra time and he will drop any plans we have to accomodate her so as not to interfere with thier(her & kids) relationship. She has no respect for our family life, and DH won't do anything to change it. He thinks he's taking the high road, but I think he's continuing to let her disrupt his and his childrens' lives. He gets defensive if I'm not careful about this, so lately I limit my comments to things like, "It really frustrates me when she calls only two hours before she wants to take them overnight. I would want more notice if it were me going."

There's lots more going on, but I am getting myself into a funk thinking about the negatives. These are really wonderful kids and we have created an amazing and beautiful family together. I know that I have so much to give to these kids; I just get frustrated at the barriers to my giving/their receiving.

So, any of you want to be stepmom buddies?

[Amandzia]

Hi Summer,

You have my sympathy. It's very hard to settle into being a family when you have two sets of kids. We have his, mine, and ours. His are supposed to come every other weekend. That rarely happens anymore. My daughter and our 2 toddlers live with us all the time. My daughter's dad takes her out for a couple of hours about every month and that's an improvement from what he used to do.
My dh's exw pulls stuff often. She'll call at the very time we're expecting the kids to show up and announce she's not bringing them. I get so frustrated. My dh doesn't say much of anything about it and that used to frustrate me more. We have had many talks about it. I suppose he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. He's been dealing with this woman longer than I have and doesn't like to dwell on anything he can't change. Men hate having no control more than women do. I know that this is a gross generalization, but it seems to be the case from my experience. That is my theory anyway as to why more men give up trying to negotiate with their exwives. I hear so many women complaining that their dh doesn't *do* anything about the evil exwife. It still drives me crazy, but the fact is, there is nothing he *can* do except maybe get into a fight with her or call the police to enforce the court order, neither of which are good for the kids.
Anyway, we moms can't do much about the situation, but writing to eachother can ease some of the stress. Keep in touch.
~Amanda

[simple gifts]

I think the whole blended family thing is very tough, and I have it much easier than you do. My stepchildren live out of state, and visit on school holidays and through the summer.

We don't have much trouble with mom, because they live away. We do have the constant struggle over whether we should move closer to them. My kids' bio dad lives here, so moving to be closer to the stepkids means my kids get moved away from their dad. However, the step kids are a little younger than mine, my youngest is 11, and his youngest two are 8 and 5.

I sometimes have the opposite problem than getting the kids used to AP parenting. Their mother is very AP, had three of the four at home, etc. The problem is that now the kids come and tell us things like she locks one in his room, or in the playroom when he doesn't behave. The 8 year old told me all summer how he gets spanked now (he was 7 then), as does the 5 year old.

So I get angry about that, and about the fact that the mom is this big AP advocate on the outside and being such a hipocrite.

We also have the problem that the stepkids are much better off financially than my kids. DH was generous in the divorce, and his ex and the kids live with her mom. They have a large house, but more than that they have lots of "stuff". The kids have TVs and computers in their room, cell phone, that sort of thing. My stepdd enjoys showing off to my two dds, understandably so.

Some of that goes against our values as a family. I don't believe in kids having tvs and computers in their room, and neither does dh. He can't do anything bout it, though. His kids, especially his dd, feel "deprived" when they are here with us. We have a much more simple lifestyle, with an emphasis on different things.

So, anyway, just checking in and offering up my sympathy and support.:wave

[Amandzia]

Welcome,

I do think one of the hardest things we deal with is having my dh's daughters raised in a way we don't agree with, so I really hear you on that one. For us it becomes a problem when his kids bring things into our home we don't approve of, like skimpy clothes, the oldest brought a TV into her bedroom one summer, or movies we feel are inappropriate. I don't want them to feel I'm insulting their mother by saying we don't approve of these things. It's frustrating to have your kids asking for the things their step sibs have that you don't approve of. You want to stick to your values without putting down the other mother who has completely opposite values (sometimes I think no values at all).
How do you, Vicki, or anyone else out there, talk about this with your kids, and/or his kids? I find it to be tricky at times.
~Amanda

[bandcsmommy03]

I have a 3 year old dd from a previous relationship. We broke up last year, and the first date I went on, with a long time friend, we had an oopsie and we now have a 3 month old ds together. We are very happy, and my dd and her father have a wonderful relationship, we share custody 50/50. She's actually a lot happier now because she's in 2 happy households instead of 1 unhappy one.

Melissa

[Amandzia]

Hi Melissa,

I too had my first child out of wedlock. But honey, you better be careful about having anymore oopsies. I wish you luck in your present relationship and that you're getting financial support from both fathers of your kids.
I agree that getting married just because you have a baby isn't always the right thing if you know it'll end in divorce. I'm very sorry I had my first daughter without a husband, but her father and I could never have had a marriage together for resons I won't go into now. After I got pregnant I didn't date and stayed celibate for 6 years until I met my husband. His kids had to go through a divorce 3 yrs before I met him and they were still not over the breakup. Their lives were torn apart, but my daughter never had that to lose and so never had to suffer that pain.
After having a baby without a husband and now having the twins with a husband, I definitely prefer being married. But as you know, that's not always possible and we who have had kids out of wedlock suffer another kind of pain, the stigma attached to unwed moms. So, I am glad to meet you and welcome you to this thread!:p

[bandcsmommy03]

Thank you so much for the welcome! I know that I am very lucky things turned out like they did. I really believe that I got pregnant with my ds for a reason. If I hadn't, my current boyfriend would probably have taken a job in the middle east, and we would not have stayed together. Instead, he asked me to move in with him so I could quit my job and not have to worry about finances, and we are now engaged. And also, if I hadn't gotten pregnant, I probably would have gotten weak and went back to my unhappy relationship with my ex, out of a sense of obligation to my dd to have her parents together. I am so happy things turned out the way they did because I know I have found my soulmate, my df is truly perfect for me.

I'm sorry that things were so bad between you and your daughter's father, but I'm glad you found someone you love! Good luck to you with your marraige and your children! Twins...I can't imagine :LOL

[stepmama]

My dh had a son from a previous marriage (he's almost 6 years now). We had a son together who is now 9 months. In the beginning, biomom wasn't around that much. She was interested in partying and hanging out with friends more than being a mom, so she gave up the house but retained joint custody. She started coming back into the picture more and more when dh and I got married (2 years ago), I think because she was jealous and didn't want her son to be around me. He's always called me by my name, for those who are interested in what the stepkids call their stepmamas (even though biomom has accused me of "forcing" him to call me mom).

January she took us to court for full custody with no lawyer, so of course, we are paying for everything. We settled by agreeing to see a parenting consultant (sort of a mediator/arbitrator) and that person has been a nightmare. We have retained the same basic schedule for visitation (every other week) but he's now in another school district which is hard. Dh has to drive him 5 days out of our week with him which has turned out to be a total of 90 miles a day, just to continue to be a good father and be able to see his son. Sheesh. It's been rough.

Are you all from different areas? It would be nice to organize a support group, but I guess this is better than nothing. I haven't been able to find anything in person in my area.

[daisysmom]

Man, It's amazing how much things have changed in the last 2 years. DD just went down to visit her Papi for a month and she had no problem coming home to dh. I had a few issues with her expecting me to buy her everything she wanted, but otherwise things went really well.

I felt kind of bad though, I missed dd most of the time she was gone, but it was 4 weeks before I cried. Dh cried almost every night. He really missed her a lot. Even now that we have another baby, he doesn't feel any different about dd#1. It makes absolutely no difference to him that dd#1 isn't biologically his, although he is wishing now that he had been around her as a baby. He finds dd#2 fascinating (she's 10 mos now). I don't know how I got so lucky.

[SillyGigglyGirls]

Hi, I am a mom of three girls.
I just joined, my oldest daughter is my bf's
but nevertheless, I take her as my own.
Nice to meet you all! :wink

[harleyhalfmoon]

Hello. Long story short- I've been with my Hubby for 6 years, married for almost three. My son just turned 12, my stepdaughter is almost seven. I love my stepdaughter as my own, and her Mother hates my guts. I'll write more another time, but I have to go to work right now...