Losing control of 9-year-old son -- help!

[tcopley]

My DS seems to be getting worse and worse since he was about 8. 6 and 7 were great years -- he used to help me, talked respectfully etc. Now it is impossible to get him to do anything. Even if he helps out, he either argues, does something goofy, or does such a half-ass job it's not worth the trouble of asking him. He also does things (like noises, etc.) just to annoy us, he just gets louder and louder until we have to tell him to stop. He's very defiant and talks to us like he's in charge of us! I don't like corporal punishment and he's getting too big to control physically anyway. Although, my partner does have to pick up my DS and remove him from the room sometimes. I have actually resorted to making deductions from his allowance for being fresh or uncooperative, but this makes money an incentive which just doesn't sit right with me. To his credit, he has gone through a few changes in the last 2 years -- new stepmother, new stepfather, moving, new school, etc. -- so of course I feel guilty and let him get away with more. His dad and I don't get along and, to make matters worse, we have very different rules in our households -- like there are no chores he has to do at his dad's. I feel like this is just going to get worse and worse until I have a teenage boy that is telling me to "go to hell" or wants to go live with his dad (the "fun" parent). Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[calgal007]

Oh, my. How your message struck a chord with me. I have a nine-year-old as well, but, more to the point, when my now-20-year-old was nine, he was in the exact same position as yours. New stepfather, new stepmother, moving, new school.
His story did not turn out happily. We put him in counselling, which helped with some of his issues. We did not, however, force the issue of school work or of chores around the home. He was allowed to be somewhat of a "free spirit". The result was that he does not have a good idea how things get done.
My heartbroken part cries out to you to remain on top of your nine-year-old and his behaviors. I know it might feel like all you are is a police officer, but it might be just what he needs. Sit with yourself and play out potential scenes in your head, perhaps, and how you and your husband will react, and what the consequences will be for talking back, or not doing his chores or homework. And no, you don't get any time off until he's fully grown. Sorry, but that's how it is!
Let your son know, in a loving family meeting, that there is a new home order, and here's what the consequences are for becoming abusive, etc.
Children are sometimes relieved when they realize someone is in charge of them. With all the upheaval in your son's life, he may be looking for the lines of good behavior -- "is THIS gonna fly?" and each time he's allowed further transgression, it may be scaring him that he actually IS the one in control. That might be a frightening thought to a child.
You can not change the situation at his dad's house. You can, however, say, "This is how things work at our house." And, if your ds follows the norm I've seen among my son's contemporaries, he will demand to live with his dad around the time he's a Freshman in high school.
Keeping a humorous but no-nonsense tone when you deal with his bad behaviors may work wonders to keep from getting sucked into the nasty pre-teen tone of voice that I'm pretty sure you hear. You are right about getting on top of this sooner, rather than later. My son escalated from "go to hell" to the phrase that actually (and I'm ashamed to admit it) caused me to slap him across the face, "Fuck YOU." Please don't judge me on that departure from my normal no-corporal-punishment rule; it was done so quickly that I felt like it wasn't even ME who did it, until I saw my handmark on his cheek. God, I'm appalled even as I type this, eight years after the event.
Finally, what about enrolling him in Aikido (sp?) or Kenpo Karate, or some other discipline-based martial art? Might help.
I'm sorry this message is so long. If I could go back and undo the way we allowed our son to "have his freedom" in those nine-year-old days, I would. Blessings on you and your family. Calgal

[dfoy]

Although I don't have a 9 year old son, I have been a teacher for 20 years and I can tell you that I have seen a lot of kids (boys in particular) go through just what your son is in response to those type of changes in the home. As the above poster said, things can get much worse if you don't take some appropriate action now.

I would agree with the above poster on setting the ground rules all over again. Have a family meeting once per week. They can work wonders. And everybody, including your son, gets a chance to talk and have input on whatever issues you are discussing.

You may want to consider counseling.

The idea of channeling energy and anger into a positive way like martial arts is also an excellent idea.

Also, I would try to incorporate some positive motivation types of things into your child's life. You can make chores more fun by doing them together and listening to fun music. He can chose a place to go together as a family on the weekend after he has successfully completed a week without talk backs, etc.

Good luck to you.

[Iguanavere]

Please read "Kids Are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso. The subtitle to this books is "Giving your children the gift of inner discipline", I believe....

It is a powerful book that gives you real tools in helpin gyour child become self-disciplined.

Good luck!

[alianmama]

AS a teacher and mother of 2 boys, 8 & 14, the previous posters are right on. Children need to know that there are certain, specific requirements of them as members of the family that are non-negotiable. I have been a single mother for years, recently single again after a 3.5 yearlong relationship, so I've done the stepparenting thang too. Children KNOW when you waver as a parent due to guilt- get over the guilt NOW! Just do you best and know that you have the right and responsibility to be a firm, consistent parent.

Sit down and think about what rules, boundaries and guidelines you want for your family, including what you want from each member. Go over it w/you SO. Ponder it for a couple of days and ask yourself if you are being reasonable or unreasonable. Once you decide that you are rightfully requiring reasonable behaviors, keep the knowledge that you are IN THE RIGHT and the confidence in your belief in what you are doing (parenting) will come across to your child.

It seems to me that clear expectations and consistent enforcement of them is the first big step. Equally important is the attitude and energy behind the way you enforce the expectations and boundaries. If children feel that you are unsure or feel guilty- they will resist and push the boundaries. If they clearly get the message that you know you are doing the right thing, and it comes across in your body language, tone of voice, directness and by being consistent, they will respond. I promise.

Just want to put in a little disclaimer. As important as it is to come across as the parent that is unquestionably in charge, who parents with confidence, it is important to be honest and acknowledge mistakes and take action to rectify or apologize. Assertive, knowledgeable parenting is good. Being Hitler isn't.
:thumb

You CAN do it. Know that children never outgrow the need for attention and care and energy that you give them at birth- it's just HOW they get it from you that changes. I put as much parenting into my 14 year old as I do into my 8 year old- just differently.

Stay strong! Take action now before you lose him.

S

[andi_3k]

God, can I relate. My Nephew is hte same way and then some, and always has been.
He thinks he is the center of the universe and acts accordingly. No amount of punishments help either. He does what he wants to do no matter what.
He is in counseling but it does little if any good, in terms of his behaviour.
His Birth mother died when he was less than a year old so I helped and still help with his raising. Dad got remarried two years ago and his mom ( she is hte only mom he has ever know,so it's not a "stepmom" thing) just had a baby, then they bought a house and he entered a Catholic school.
None of the changes in his life have made him change his "I am the center of the universe" stance. If I am talking and he wants to say some, he does...over riding me with tone and volume. he thinks he can hold everyone up so he can play. EX. they have been having car trouble recently,so last week I took them shopping and then out to dinner, he spotted some friends and decided that he could play rather than leave when we were ready. When we did not succumb to his wishes, he kicked my car door with muddy boots, making such a mess that it took me a half an hour and an entire can of that "scrubbing bubbles" to clean it.
He failed absolutely everything in school and does not understand why. Mainly it is because he wants to do things his way not the teachers.
Home schooling him was no better. He did what he wanted to do and if there was someone that mom asked to teach him something, ie a jewish friend tried to teach him about Channuka (sp?) and refused even to look at her.
Christmas time was a disaster for all of us. He started the "I want"s before Labour Day and has not let up yet. And it's not as simple of I want this or I want that. He has actually looked at me and said "I want this and you're going to give it to me"
We have done everything we can think of from "tongue time outs" to physical removal from the situtation. to "quarentine" and yes, to spanking. Nothing works. He is on an Herbal Medication meant for ADHD kids but it id not helping either.
I recently lost it on him and just sat there and screamed at him for a good five minuets and told him that he needed to get over himself. That his parents may have to tolerate his behaviour to a certain extent but I do not and would not be around him until he learned to treat people with respect. And I have held to it.
It breaks my heart but the behaviour can not continue. We have tried everything we can think of for the past nine years and nothing helps. I am at wit's end.
I have helped raise him from the time his Birthmom died and he still thinks of me as a "second mother" Any Suggestions?

[Eosine]

I have an 11 yr old with Tourettes Syndrome. The caregivers at the hospital where he was diagnosed had an excellent disciplinary procedure, but it has to be followed step by step.

First, if the child is misbehaving, do not try to reason with him or argue. Simply have a pre-arranged place where you can have a chair in the middle of a room or facing a wall. You'll find what works best, especially if the child loves to kick the wall. Have a clock in his view wherever the chair is to be.

Then explain to the child during a calm and quiet period before the child is misbehaving that the new discipline is "chairing" (not the time out so much because this is a new form of time out). When the child is being chaired the child must know that they will be chaired for a certain period of time (10 min), but that the time WON'T START until they are sitting quietly and facing forward. They can yell, kick, scream, whatever all they want, but no time will be counted down until they are sitting quietly facing forward. If they start yelling or acting up before the time is up, the time starts ALL OVER AGAIN once they are quiet and facing forward again. If they are screaming and dancing around the room, they can do that all day, BUT their time doesn't start until they sit quietly on the chair facing forward!

THE MOST important part is once they complete the 10 minutes of quiet. They have to tell you calmly and looking in your eyes why they are there. Were they arguing? Not listening? Interrupting? Kicking someone or something? If they give you an answer like "cause you suck" or something like that, then their time begins again because "they are not ready to finish chairing yet". They know at this age what they did wrong.

When they finally give you the right answer, (you can help name the behavior when they explain what they did-like "that's right, you were interrupting") then you can talk about what happened and hopefully tell them an appropriate behavior like in the case above "wait for your turn to talk".

This has worked wonders on a kid who put holes in his wall!

Another important thing to do is reward the child whenever the child does listen or is "being good". Tell them "thank you for doing ....." or "It was nice when you....".

In our home we hand out bingo chips for whenever the kids do something good. They save them up for things like 100 chips is going to the bowling alley, or 50 chips is a trip to the dollar store.

Then they get positive reinforcement too! Each kid has their own color of chips, and you cannot take chips away for bad behavior.

I can't tell you how much this has helped!

[LizD]

For a different perspective on the turmoil, the Waldorf/Steiner view of a "nine year change" may be helpful. I don't toe the Waldorf party line on everything, but with a grain of salt there are some good ideas there. Also, Raising a Daughter and Raising a Son are helpful books, I think, because instead of cookie cutter solutions they offer a more broad perspective and give more to consider. The gloom my nine year old can bring to the household is hard to offset sometimes, so I wish everyone luck!