Just curious... what about last names?

[MizLiz]

Hey everyone,

I'm mostly curious to see how others handle choosing last names for their kids when parents don't have the same last name.

In our situation, my ds (from a previous relationship) has my last name, while dd has dh's last name and my grandmothers name as her middle one. For this baby, dh suggested that we give her my last name and his grandmothers name as her middle one. I agreed as I don't want ds to feel like there is some sort of divide between him and his sisters (he does know about his bio father but is not in contact at all with him and considers dh to be his one and only "dad").

This hasn't really caused any grief in our families but some people I know think that my kids having different last names is beyond unconventional (especially as the last two have the same father).

So just out of curiosity, what have others done when there is more than one surname between the parents/family?

[MotherofEden]

We're a little stuck on this too- my dd is 10 and doesn't want to be the only one with my maiden name. I hyphenate w/dh's and I'm thinking we'll hyphenate both kids, although a little cumbersome.

[Corri]

My family has a massive screwed up set of last names - practically none of us have the same name as anyone else. (my dad was adopted and went back to his birth name about 12 years ago, my mom went back to her maiden name after they divorced 20 years ago, my stepmom went back to her maiden name and didn't change to my dad's, and my stepsisters have their dad's last name... so it's really just my brother and I, and a couple of uncles we don't see much anymore.)

Since I kept my name and DH didn't change his, we decided to use his name for the baby based solely on aesthetics! :duck: My last name is really easy to turn into insults/rude words, and the playground teasing got super bad sometimes (I love it as an adult 'cause it's pretty rare, but kids are awful to each other sometimes). His name is nice and generic, he actually has a solid family history behind it the way I don't, and it works for both our cultures.

[Spark]

I think you just have to do what works best for your family. Perhaps ask your son about what he thinks would be best.

With our family, I kept my maiden name. Our DS1 has my last name for a middle name and DH's last name as his last name. We had talked about switching that around for future children so we'd be combo of my last name & his last name, but decided against it with DD1. I suddenly thought I didn't want her to have 2 last names and if she got married later & wanted to take her DH's last name have to carry 3 last names or decide to cut one out. So, she has my DH's last name & so does DD2. It's what works for us. :)

[Liquesce]

My husband's first and second name will be our child's middle names, and his third name will be our child's last ... all to satisfy a cultural naming convention which makes your father's name your second, your grandfather's your third, on so on down the line, transplanted into a first-middle-last culture and tacked onto my husband's wish that what he uses as a last name in the U.S. will be shared by his child there. To which I say a resounding "oi!" :lol

[becoming]

My DD was born during my separation/divorce from my DH. She has her father's last name. Now DH and I are remarried and pregnant with #3, our second baby together, so both our boys will have DH's last name. DD will be the odd one out. I wish I would have given her my maiden name. Then I would have hyphenated my maiden name and married name so that I could share a name with all my children.

[lyttlewon]

My maiden name is Erich. My eldest brother whose name is Eric was four when my mom married my dad. My brother refused to be named Eric Erich :lol. So my mom had both my brother's keep their last name and my sister and I had my father's surname. It never caused any real issues that I know of.

My sister had hyphenated maiden-married and when she divorced she dropped the married. So now she and her DD have different last names. That has never caused any issues either. Even with flying.

[philomom]

I have my name. Dh has his. The kids bear a hyphenated name.

Yes, I know it won't last into their marriage and childbearing years, but for now, I like to see some "credit" for my hard work.

[Redifer]

DH and I aren't legally married. Mainly for political reasons, but that's beside the point.

DD#1 has his last name. We've decided this "critter" will have his last name, as well.

I'm the only one still retaining a different name. I've considered just going downtown to change it, as I really have no attachment to my own last name, but I just don't care either way, honestly.

[Jada Mae]

It is more important to me that I name our children than it is for them to have my last name. So I pick the name and hubby gets the last name. Of course, I wouldn't pick a name he hates, but I do get to do much of what I want. With last one, we agreed pretty easily on the middle name, and then I "snuck" in my last name as the second middle name.:lol With this child, we will do the same.

[wombatclay]

Dh and I both had degrees when we married and the thought of changing all that paperwork...ugh!

So we have both kept our original last names and the little one's get a hyphenated name. It's a bit cumbersome since Dh and I both have long/ethnic last names (so we've chosen very short first and middle names for our little ones) but overall it's the option that seemed to work the best for us.

Other friends of ours have gone with the girl children carrying their mother's maiden name and the boy children carrying their father's name (and vice versa) and one couple decided to use the mom's maiden name (even though she changed her name to match her DH and is not chaning it back to her maiden name) since due to an accident their children are the only one's in this generation to carry on that family name.

[Mumof3Nic]

When I married dh my oldest son was only 2, he has a different dad. We had talked for a few years about giving him my dh's last name, having dh legally adopt him.. hyphenating names etc. I'm really glad we never went through with any of it. His dad died when he was 5 and eventhough he has a different last name than the rest of us he wishes to keep his because it's his last tie to his bio-dad. Every so often I ask him if he wishes to hyphenate the name just so he doesn't feel "left out" and he always says no he's fine with being different.

[pianojazzgirl]

We've done the old hyphenation thing. :)

[PiePie]

I never considered changing my last name, but I always assumed that my kids would have his as a last and mine as a middle. That was until I met DH, who thinks it makes sense to use mine, to buck tradition and because I am more attached to my last name/father/paternal ancestry. he said this 2 weeks into dating, and i kind of got used to the idea. Now if he were to change his mind I would be crushed! :lol

[Gumby]

"DH" and I aren't yet married...so baby will have my last name. No hyphenating--that drives dh nuts. Besides, we both have really long last names.

His last name is really common and his father is nonexistent in his life, so I don't feel right "honoring" an unkind person in such a way, although I know it is dh's name too...

My last name is highly uncommon (Zsch...), I'm very attached to it, love my family, not to mention I've grown up knowing that I would never change my last name just b/c society says so. My sister kept our name but her daughters have the hubbies name and their other names are family names from our side.

We've talked about both of us changing our last names to something else one day...we'll see.

Besides, I have numerous friends who had babies (unmarried), gave the baby the dad's name and now regret it b/c of lack of presence, etc.

"DH" is even considering taking my last name more so he can have same last name as baby, not me. Maybe I'll suggest that he gets to pick the other names if baby has my last name...

I'm glad you posted this, I've been wondering what other people are doing!

[swimswamswum]

DH and I have different last names. Our baby will have his last name. My dad has 6 brothers and I have many male cousins- my name is going not in any danger of disappearing. DH has one brother who will probably never have kids and no male cousins or uncles.

I also don't want to do the hyphen thing. I think it's a PIA and I really don't think of it as a super feminist statement because my last name is still my father's. Yeah, it's my identity, but it's just not that big of a deal to me. I think my attitude is partially shaped by the fact that I grew up in a household with different last names and it wasn't a big deal.

[amyleigh33]

Any unfortunate children my brother and his wife have will probably carry on our boring old 5-letter English family name, plus my father passed away and his father is long gone, my grandmother on that side is completely senile and thinks she's a teenager again, and so, yeah, really nobody on that side to care whether their name gets passed on or not. DP on the other hand, has a grandma who is obsessed with family tree/lineage stuff and she only has 2 grandchildren, so it's kind of inevitable that the baby will take his last name. Fine with me, I hate my last name. I was planning on changing it legally (not to his, just in general) until I found out that you have to submit fingerprints to the gov't in order to do so: creepy! Only other option is giving baby the last name that I had wanted to change mine to, but I don't think DP's family would like that at all...

[Seena]

My DD has my last name, which is my maiden name. DH and I weren't married and in fact had broken up when DD was born, so it was important for her to have the last name of the parent who would be her primary caregiver...me. Now that DH and I are married, and expecting #2 who will carry DH's last name, we are in the process of changing DD's last name to DH's. Luckily she's young enough to not know the difference, all she knows is her first name right now!

[Lizzo]

We are a happily unmarried by choice couple and right now, our son has DP's last name (which bugs the p*** out of me, let me tell ya!).
We have already had to change DS's name once (their mistake) and are still, two years later awaiting the birth certificate...so when we get that's we'll change it again- to combine our last names- an invented last name if you will. that's what this new baby will have off the bat.
I am uptight about last names b/c my mom gave me her last name, even though she and my dad married 3 years later. My sister (3 years my junior) also only has my mom's last name. I guess it has given me pride? Even though I am much closer to my dad and my mom disowned her family anyway....perhaps it's honoring the magical dysfunction I hold so dear to my heart :wink

[hubris]

My DH and I each retained our family names when we married. Our kids have his last name.

There are many ways in which we buck the system, most of them led by me, although my DH is a sport and doesn't mind my constant questioning of the status quo. I didn't want to hyphenate, didn't want to make up a new name, and wanted the kids to share a last name, so it was either mine or his. I bowed to tradition on this one and they all have/will have his last name.

[finn'smama]

Well, dp and I aren't married and aren't planning on it and we gave ds dp's last name. I didn't give it that much thought and dp's last name is pretty cool and mine, well, not so much!:lol
That said, I have regretted not putting my last name in there too and am considering adding it to ds's name and also giving it to this baby as well (so both kids would have both names). I'm trying not to be too attached since it is just a name really, but like a pp mentioned, I kinda want some credit too!

[MizLiz]

Wow! Lots of interesting replies! I don't think that during this age of "blended" families that having kids with different last names will be considered to be as strange as it would have when I was growing up.

The only issue I have with the different last names in my family is that dd (with her dad's last name) wants my last name, mostly, I think, because we live quite close to my family and because she is at a stage where she really tries to model herself after me :shy (very flattering!). Her whole name is really pretty so I'm hoping that she'll grow into accepting it and not feel mad/upset that hers is different than her brother and sisters name.

[lunabelly]

My dh and I took each other's last names, so the baby will have our hyphenated names, too, but our names go together pretty well, I think.

My dd has my ex's last name, and I asked if she wanted to hyphenate with my maiden name when I remarried, but she said no, and I'm totally fine with that as long as she's comfortable. My dss, on the other hand, asked if he could add my last name to his, but his mom did not like the idea very much.

[Samjm]

nak...

i kept my name (mei....), dh has his (gar...). our children have their first name and middle name with a last name of gar... mei.... (no hyphen)

[Kitten]

DH has an awful, awful last name that NO ONE ever gets right. You can spell it out letter by letter and it still gets screwed up. You could hand them a slip of paper with the name written out in clear block letters and they'll still get it wrong (yes this has happened). I did not change my last name when we got married because I didn't want to spend my life in name hell. I really wanted to give DS my last name and my last name only but DH did not like this. So we hyphenated. Guess what. NO ONE gets the DH part of DS's name right. I should have held out.

[zinemama]

We didn't want to hypenate, so our two kids have different last names.

Ds#1 is hisname mylastname dh'slastname
Ds#2 is hisname dh'slastname mylastname

We have never encountered any confusion over this, and they certainly don't feel any kind of divide, especially since they have the same names (essentially), just in different orders. It's not unconventional here.

[sue-bert]

DH and I:
I wouldn't mind hyphenating, but our last names rhyme with each other, and it sounds goofy. I wouldn't mind changing BOTH our last names to something altogether different, but DH refuses to change his last name, so we each have our separate last names and that's that.

Kids:
DH wanted our kids to have his last name. I think that's sexist and obnoxious. He also picked out really crappy first names, so I told him: "You either get to pick the first/middle names, OR the surname -- not both. Which do you want?"

He was so inssitent about passing on his last name, that he relinquished all voting rights to first name choices. So at least my son and any future children we will have have nice given names...

[tamagotchi]

DS has my last name. His first name is from DH's family's side.

The new baby isn't born yet so I don't know for sure... but I think we will use my last name again. We both like it better :o

[hucifer]

With our family, I kept my maiden name. Our DS1 has my last name for a middle name and DH's last name as his last name.
This is what we're doing. We are giving our child/children my maiden name as the middle name. DH HATES this idea, but he just has to live with that.

[hazieluna]

In Spain everyone has both the father and the mother's last names and no one changes names their entire life - this is the tradition. It use to be the first last name would be the Father's but now it's possible to do the order the parents want. So this is my side of things.... of course I am keeping my last names for life! And yes I want my children to have at least one of my last names! Why not I'm a parent just like my DH.... but this is just my point of view.

Now DH is completely opposite, his Dad left when he was 7 and he doesn't have any relationship with the man or that side of the family. When we got pregnant we started discussing names (mostly disagreeing about first names unfortunately) and he let me know he doesn't want to pass his name to the children at all.

So no problem right, but I'm a little freaked out by this since he's a parent too so shouldn't the baby carry one of his names too? He says this is my Spanish side coming out since in his culture only one name gets passed along so he doesn't mind it being mine.

I guess come Sept we will see how we wrangle the names!

[ani'smommy]

I never changed my name when we married, so DH and I have different last names. Anneke has her first name, a middle name, and then my maiden name as a second middle name and then DH's last name.

It's a lot of names, but I'm happy with it. I figure she can choose which name she wants to go by when she's older.