mamas exploring bisexuality while in relationship(s)

[birthinglau]

ok, vis a vis the bi mama roll call and my long confessional post, I am starting this thread.

this is a place to talk about navigating bisexuality as a mama and a partner in a relationship.

I am still trying to figure this situation out, having become a wife in november (after some relationship drama with now husband), and a mama in march, but still feeling that I ID as a bisexual woman, and I would truly enjoy getting to explore.

please share your experiences!

-Lau

[Nicke]

OK, here is my story. :)
I was curious about the bi side of my sexuality since I was a teenager, but I never acted on it. I felt that society said it was a no-no, so it must be. I opted to supress my desires/feelings to "fit in" to mainstream thinking. (OK, I did kiss my best friend a few times, but it was always a joking kinda thing, in front of our boyfriends) Three years ago, after some deep soul searching I decided that I could "deny" myself no more. Being married (for 5 years at that time) it was not an option to just go out and explore. So I approached my DH about something we had talked on and off about for some time; opening up our relationship. We talked about it for quite some time, with me explaining my "new" realizations (ie, that I did not want to hide my attraction to women anymore) to him. We came to the decision that we would open our marriage (yup, we are poly) and this would be a facet of myself that I would explore through this new relationship. And in the last three years, I have done just that.
Since we have kids, we are very careful about how we go about our lives. I am not ashamed of our lives, but I do not want to confuse them or make it hard on them in any way. Other than one couple who we were involved with, the kids never really know about the other people we spend time with. In hindsight, I am sorry that they ever even knew them. Since we are no longer with them and there is no chance they will see them again (bad feelings there, a whole other story :rolleyes: ), I feel bad when they say they miss them.
As for me being bi, it has not changed anything between DH and I. He knows I love him and that I am sexually attracted to him. He is never jealous and is forever understanding of me wanting to be with another woman.

[Arduinna]

I don't have any experience, I'm still negociating the whole thing. Dh and I have talked about it. He says that if he knows (no lying and not behind his back) that it wouldn't be cheating. He says that me being with other women aren't an issue for him. I have been honest with him about my feelings for a woman I know. We talk about it, he is very supportive. He says he is happy for me. Although other than flirting and talking about it nothing has actually happened with her. I'm just enjoying embracing this part of me that I ignored for so long.

My main concern is that I don't want anything to hurt my relationship with him. So far, it has only brought us closer. And the more I talk about her with him, the more I love him and less I feel the impulse to be with her. I don't know.

I'd love to hear from some that have BTDT. He and I have a very close and honest relationship. I've had "ooo bad idea" warnings from people. Mostly from bi or gay people that are married and chose to not explore their sexuality outside the relationship. I'm happy for them, but not sure where their warnings are really applicable since they haven't BTDT.

[Indigo73]

I am personally in a similar situation as Nicke, except I was poly before I was married.

I have identified as queer since I hit puberty and actually dated more women than men in college. I also knew that I didn't want to chose one or the other - not that I was ever good at being with just one person. So thru research and an interesting talk with a psych prof visiting from another college I discoverd the concept of polyamory. REVELATION! I wasn't weird or unable to commit just capable of loving more than one person at a time.

Fast forward a few years, I meet my dh. Honestly wanted nothing to do with him - thought he was too vanilla (he proved me wrong, he's as bi as they come). After months of chasing me I finally said yes to a date, then another and another. Well - 3 years later and lots and lots of talking we married. That was just over 3 years ago.

I meet people who think poly and parenting don't mix and other that do, so... It's interesting.

All I can say to those that in the curious/talking stage - keep talking and talking and talking - negotiate guidelines and then renegotiate those guidelines.

[Nicke]

Originally posted by Indigo73

All I can say to those that in the curious/talking stage - keep talking and talking and talking - negotiate guidelines and then renegotiate those guidelines.

You are right, this is very important. We had certain guidlines that we started out with. Things we were OK with and things we were not so OK with. Overtime we have found that these guidlines have changed. We have evolved as partners and lovers and need to re-evaluate them all the time. Communication is key to any relationship, but I find it is even more so when in a poly one.

[Nicke]

Originally posted by Indigo73
REVELATION! I wasn't weird or unable to commit just capable of loving more than one person at a time.


Amen sista! :p

I often tell DH that I am one lucky woman. I get to love and be loved by more than one person. It doesn't get any better than that IMO. :)

[bunny's mama]

here's my BTDT story (prolly short, as i'm typing one-handed, baby in other arm).

dh & i have been married 8 yrs, together for 12 yrs. he knows i'm bi and was a huge part of helping me sort out my feelings before we got married, as i was really scared about what the feelings might mean (i.e. was i really a lesbian in denial? was getting married to a man a huge mistake?) he was endlessly supportive and loving and i realized i was not actually a lesbian, but truly bi (altho i do feel more attracted to women than men in general...i also knew in my heart that i loved dh and was attracted to him, so i just accepted that fact.)

about 6 years ago, i got to talking with a woman i'd been close friends with for over 5 years. i knew she was bi too. long story short, we realized an attraction to each other and asked our dh's how they would feel about her and i making love to each other (no involvement of the dh's in said sexual encounter was wanted by any of us). both men were really supportive so she and i had a date in san francisco one night. fancy dinner with (quite a bit of)wine :eek and then we spent the night in a hotel downtown and made love. we went out walking in SF holding hands, and got lots of knowing, sweet, supportive looks from other gay couples (and straight one's, too... it's SF after all :thumb ) after that, we had sex i think on 3 or 4 other occassions (including one wonderful weekend away together at a hot springs).

although we talked about continuing to have sex with each other about once every year (always with full knowledge and consent from our dh's), we haven't been together sexually since i was about 8 mos. pregnant with dd, which was back in sept. 2000. now i have 2 kids and she has 1. perhaps we will get together again one day, but for now, our lives as mamas just take precedent (dh and i rarely have time/energy for sex these days :zzz )

there was little "fall-out" from having a friend become a sexual partner, prolly because we were unfailingly honest with each other and our dh's. and our #1 groundrule was that if our sexual relationship got in the way of or harmed our marriages IN ANY WAY we would never do it again. we both had the understanding that our marriages are our "primary" relationships and neither of us wanted to jeoprodize that. there was a time right after our first date that i got to feeling fed up with dh for whatever reason (just normal long term relationship stuff) & started to convince myself i was in love with her. but again, i talked it out with her and with dh and those feelings passed (actually, she and i would never work out as a couple for many reasons).

so that's wher i'm at. all in all, i'm really glad for the experience. i love my dh tremendously and we have a good solid relationship a beautiful love and a great friendship. :couple and he is a wonderful father.so thats something i would never want to lose. he okayed sex with this one friend, but in general, i don't think he's okay with me going outside of our relationship regularly or with a number of different women, and honestly, i am totally against him going outside our relationship at all (and he's completyely not interesyed in doing that either).

so now i've typed a book. sorry! and all one-handed, too :D

[birthinglau]

thanks for sharing so far. I would like to share a little more of my story, but I will save that for tomarrow, as it is getting pretty late here.

I would also like to bring up some concerns, mostly about trust, b/c that has been a BIG issue in my relationship w/ my dh. and the more I think about it, has been a big issue with me for all my life (but I suppose that is part of what I need to work through, in being with him).

we have not been exploring our bisexuality at all, and I don't think we will be actively doing so for awhile, but it is an important part of me, and I already feel that so much of "original me" is underneath the mothering and wifing, that I want to make sure I don't forget about it, or let it go because it seems too much to deal with.

funny, just realized my sig line pays homage to a fabulous bi polyamorist. :) anais nin. well, she was kind of messed up, and never had to negotiate her sexuality with mamahood, but a cool lady none the less.

-Lau

[StarMama]

I thought I'd share my story too :)

I always had bi-sexual fantasies, but totally blew it off as "fantasies aren't something you neccisarily want" until me and a girlfriend got very very drunk one night (we were oh 17-18) and things ah, happened. :) We dated twice for a few months each time, but thats the only woman I've had a serious relationship with.

My Dh knew about my bisexuality when he met me. I never kept it from him because when I first met him (online) we had no thoughts of becoming serious, so we were both very open about ourselves (what were we going to loose?).

When we did start being sexual active with each other (dating happened later :o ) a few things happened within our group of friends while drinking/being silly... so while we fell in love with each other, being sexually open was just what was going on occasionally and it wasn't a big deal.

Since then we've laid down our rules, and gone over them until we were very very clear on things. We don't get intimate with anyone without both of us being there (but occasionally I have been intimate with a women with him just being an observer). We don't have other girl/boyfriends, but we are comfortable forming strong loving friendships with the people we are with (it closely resembles the kind of love you'd have for say, a best friend of 10 years... well thats the best I can describe it). I think I brought up rules and scenarios until my Dh was tired of us speaking about it :LOL But I wanted to be SURE of everything.

I would truly love to have the chance to have a MFF relationship, we have close friends who have a relationship like that and it works so well. However I know it would be VERY hard to find someone that we'd both be compatible with (and visa versa), and that it would be a LOT more work for all of us.

But we're very happy with how our relationship works out now as it is :)

[CeraMae]

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[AshesAndDust]

i have been reading this and it has peaked my curiosity. :jaw (not in a bad way :) ) i was wondering how this all works, i mean within a relationship. i guess there are some fairly obvious things that come to mind to a person like myself who idenifies themself as heterosexual so here goes:

what exactly do you (some of you use this word) mean by 'poly'? do you mean your husband has more than one wife (cannot do this legally but marriage is more than a peice of paper to) do you mean that you or both of you have more than one sexual partner?

what kind of problems can come up 'poly' marriage?

i'll understand if you're not interested in discussing these questions but if it'll make anyone more comfortable i don't mean anything by them other than curiosity :hippie :love

[Nicke]

Everyone makes their relationship work their own way. "Rules" that I have within my marriage (pertaining to relations with others) may not be the same as XXXX has, but it works for us. Just like XXXX's rules may not be for us. It is all about communication. To be able to tell your spouse/SO what your wants/needs/desires are and then to listen to theirs and find a way to incorporate them together. This lifestyle is not for everyone. Some people are not comfortable with it. That's fine. I know a few single friends who are not comfortable with marriage. We are all different. As long as we are honest with ourselve and others, that is all the matters.

As far as poly . . . that is short for polyamory.

The best way to describe polyamory is that it is a relationship style that involves an openness to be being involved with more than one person at the same time. Polyamory is about responsible non-monogamy. Polyamory is not about cheating, or dishonesty. Polyamory pre-supposes that all people involved consent to this arrangement, and are honest about what is going on. Polyamory is NOT swinging. There is a major distinction to be made between what is called "Swinging" and Polyamory. In swinging, the intent is to engage in non-monogamous sexual behavior without the development of love, affection or personal intimacy between oneself and the secondary partners. Swingers generally seek to engage in recreational sex without emotional intimacy. With polyamory, there is no such restriction, and the intent IS to allow such emotional intimacy to exist, develop, and grow between the people involved.

[AshesAndDust]

interesting. correct me if i'm wrong here but based on what you are saying a 'poly' is like being married and being single at the same time. its like having the best of both worlds.

do you both take lovers seperately? i know this seems like a personal question for nicke but its a question open to anyone. sorry if it seems a forward question to ask. again, i'm just curious.

[bunny's mama]

ashes, i wouldn't say that being poly is like being married and single at the same time. it's more like being "married" to more than one person (in the emotional sense), i.e. being in an intimate relationship with your partner and your other partner. i'm not poly myself, so i'm sure others here will be more articulate in their responses.

[StarMama]

And we're a completely different story all together :) Not really poly, but not quite "swingers" either. We do form emotional attachments to our intimate friends, but not to the point of it being anything close to a secondary marriage type partner. So I am utterly clueless as to what I should even be calling us... :confused:

[AshesAndDust]

it seems as though poly cannot really mean multiple relationships equal to marriage since that's the definition of polygamy...unless there is no distintinction between the two. i do have a bit of trouble seeing the difference between swingers and 'poly' since swingers, i would think, can be every bit as intimate with their lovers as anyone else or simply choose not to be. sorta of going with the flow of what ever happens next. seems to me that the difference is more in degree than in intent. i mean, intamacy to some people is, quite simply, heavy panting, pushing, and groping. to others it is a relationship of commitment which can be between wife and husband, mother daughter, sister/sister in which sex is not a requisite. to others still intimacy encompasses that kind of closeness with sexual relations as well. however, the intent of both polygamous and polyamorous couples would seem to be the same. extra-marital (addintional to marraige if you prefer) sexual relations...just in varying degress of commitment. to me, its like the difference between saying something is hot or warm. hot to one can be warm to another and cool to yet another.

based on nicke's definition up there it would seem that bunny has a polygamous marriage, since the dgree to which they take their relationships is equal to the marriage itself, where as lisa seems to be in a ployamory marriage since the degree to which they take their extra-marital relations is 'less than' the marriage. i see little difference between them really so i can understand why some will indentify with 'poly' one way or another. again, i could be way off here.

[bunny's mama]

no ashes, the definition of polygamy is one person married to more than one person. i am certainly NOT polygamous, nor do i have relationships "equal" to that which i have with my dh.

in any case, i will speak for myself here, and i don't mean this to be rude, but this thread was not, intended to be a place for a "curious" onlooker to come and debate the definitions of polyamourous/polygamous, etc. i believe it was intended as a safe place for those of use who are bi and have had differeing experiences in our lives to share these experiences with each other. many of us do not feel the need to define ourselves and our relationships. we simply wanted to share with others who understand.

i, for one, am beginning to feel as though your questions are hijacking the intended purpose of this thread.

[AshesAndDust]

my apologise. that was not my intent at all and i'm sorry you took it as that. i won't ask anymore questions.

[BrooklynDoula]

At a kid/teenager I thought I was likely a lesbian. All of my first sexual experiences were with other girls and all of my fantasys/attractions were to other girls (although I tried to play along with the whole het scene for a while). I met my dh in high school actually and started dating him right before I turnned 16 (I knnow this sounds crazy!). So, we have been togther 10 years now and have a 1 year old son. We have talked about sex outside the relationnship. He okayed it (in theory) and then when it started to take shape (I had a friend who was also interetsed and we where flirting pretty hard one night at a bar) he got scared and backed out (which was totally okay because our relationship comes first). He felt really scared, which I sort of can't blame him as I would never be okay with the reverse and I am really only attracted to womenn on the whole. He always jokes and says I am really a lesbian and he just got lucky that he got me when he did.

BUt, I really love dh and and very attracted to him (he is VERY femmey for a guy, though. Likes to wear skirts and paint him toe nnails and ALWAYS gets hit on my other men - which he LOVES, although he isn't interested really). So, that is us. Dh jokes that ds has a lesbian mom and a "faggoty-ass dad" who are passing as vanilla straight in the suburbs!:eek

M

[Ravin]

I identified as lesbian from adolesence, then joined the Navy and the great abundance and availability of the opposite sex inspired me to experiment and I discovered that boys weren't so bad after all.

DH and I had a very clear understanding when we married that our relationship would not be sexually or emotionally exclusive. he is free to date other women (he's het), and I am free to date others regardless of gender. We were geographically separated the first couple of years of our marriage, but we always kept each other up-to-date on our love lives w/ honesty, and had ground rules about safe sex w/ others (as well as regular checkups). Now that we're under the same roof, we've been focused mostly on each other (particularly after a very sticky/bad ending rel that followed me home from Japan), especially w/ the baby on the way, but the future is still wide open.

Polyamory can imply having a primary relationship and secondary relationships (such as a spouse and less involved bf/gf type situations), or more than one relationship in various arrangements with the committment level of marriage (obviously not more than one legal marriage can take place). Triads are the most common of these, w/ either two people attached primarily to one person (a "V") and a platonic friendship/involvment w/ each other, or all three equally attached/involved w/ respect to sexual relationship and emotions.

It gets complicated, can you tell?

[TheOrignlGrlyGrl]

I've only recently admitted to myself and my husband of ten years that I'm bisexual. I think I always knew it and the more I've thought about it the more I remember. I was seven when I had my first crush on a girl. At the time, I had no sexual knowledge but remember thinking even then I shouldn't tell anyone. My husband is surprisingly understanding and supportive. He thinks it's a great idea for me to explore these feelings. I've never had a sexual experience with a woman. I have however had very strong feelings for another woman. She knew, not the full extent of my feelings, but she knew. She couldn't get past my being married. And I understood, respected and accepted that. I don't know if I'll ever have such an experience. I'm happy and satisfied with my marriage and I don't feel like I'm really missing anything. But... at times I wish I could find a woman like myself. For the understanding and companionship. But this isn't exactly something I can bring up with the Mom's at the preschool. KWIM??

[TheOrignlGrlyGrl]

i just popped on in here and didn't even bother to introduce myself. My name is Michelle and I'm a SAHM to six. Cody-10, Joshua-8, Brendan-5, Sydney-3 (only girl), Riley-2 and Logan-7 months. I live in PA, Philly burbs. And... well gee, my previous post said alot so I guess that's pretty much it. :wave

[robynberkley]

Boy I haven't posted at MDC in a while but I only recently came out to my husband (and to myself I guess) that I am bi. I finally admitted it to myself about a year and a half ago and told him in January after I chewed on the idea for a while. I guess, however, I've always known I was attracted to women even though I tried to rationalize my feelings regularly! It has been a struggle because I wasn't sure at one point if I wanted to leave my husband because I thought I might actually be a lesbian, not bi, but we have worked stuff out and I can't imagine being with any one else. He is wonderful and very supportive of my bisexuality (yes I'm sure I'm bi and not lesbian...but more attracted to women than men, which he knows about). We have other issues to work out in our marriage but my sexual identity is not one of them.

At the present moment, neither of us are inclined to get involved with a third party...polygamy or polyamory...although that appears to be an open ended issue...not at present but who knows what the future holds. I have a crush on someone (a woman) in particular which he knows about but he also knows I won't act on it. I agree that trust and communication are so important when one or both parties are exploring multiple partners. I am feeling more and more comfortable sharing my feelings about it all with him. I have to say overall I've been very lucky with the friends/family I have told. All have been supportive and no one has run screaming away! I'm not fully out but I'm getting there little by little. Nice to be able to share here!

[Inwe Surion]

My story is really no different than many of the others.

Always knew I was bi, had both male and female lovers til I married dh.

Not too long ago, he said I should find myself a nice woman! I couldn't agree more, but...I think he said it in the heat of passion. :p

I've been enjoying everyone's stories. Nice to feel part of something rather than alone.

[robynberkley]

Hey Inwe... long time no hear...thanks for sharing!!:Kiss :hug

[HappyHippieMommy]

Hi all.

As a new member, I just wanted to say thanks to you all for this thread/discussion. I won't get into my personal situation as of yet, but it is nice to hear from others out there--especially other "crunchy" moms. It' s good to feel "less alone".:thumb

[LunaMom]

I "came out" to my dh as bisexual about a year and a half ago, though I had dropped many, many hints over the years which he chose to ignore. What made it so much harder for him was the fact that I had been unfaithful one time, which I told him about, and that at the time of my coming out, I was completely obssessed with another female friend of mine. Understandably, he felt incredibly threatened by the whole thing.

My dh is completely opposed to the idea of any "openness" in our marriage. I can certainly understand that, especially since he did not know I was bi when we got married so never considered this as part of the "deal." Sometimes I'm fine with that and sometimes I'm not, and we are trying to work it all out thru counseling - but we have come a long, long, way in the last eighteen months. Like another poster mentioned (Hi, Robyn! :D ), coming out was so overwhelming that for a while I was convinced I was a lesbian and that I couldn't stay married. I became completely cut off from my husband both emotionally and physically. I am so thankful that this has changed, not because the prospect of being lesbian is terrifying, but the idea of giving up the life we have built is. I come from a severely dysfunctional family myself, so giving my daughter a stable family is a fierce goal of mine.

It's so great to hear other people's stories...when I first was going through this I was sure that I was the only person who felt this way. Being bisexual and married is something nobody can understand unless they are in it themselves.

[Nicke]

Hey LM, glad you decided to join our thread. :)

It's good you are working this out with your DH. Coming out while already in an established relationship can be hard. For you and your DH. I'm happy that you have acknowledged that outside help can be useful. I hope you both can come to terms with this and deal with it in a way that makes you both happy. Keep us posted!

[robynberkley]

Hi Luna :Kiss !!! I read your post and I'm still amazed at how similar our stories are...short of a few details. It IS so difficult staring the person you love in the face and telling them you may not be who you thought you were...that was the single hardest thing I had to do in my life. Maybe short of admitting it to myself...well...come to think of it, that was pretty easy by comparison...sigh...

Anyway...you are not alone with your struggles as you know!! Hey...did you finish the books yet???

[TheOrignlGrlyGrl]

Originally posted by robynberkley
It IS so difficult staring the person you love in the face and telling them you may not be who you thought you were...

This was so tough for me. Discovering the strong feelings I had (and still do) for a woman pretty much blew my world apart. I always knew on some level. But I'd never experienced the feelings so strongly. I began to question everything I'd always thought to be true about myself. :confused: How could I feel these things, so strongly and so real and still love my husband so much. And it wasn't just about sex. It was deeper then that. I think that's what scraed me the most. I'm still haunted by these feelings for this woman. Our world's were too far apart for anything to come of it. I had the hardest time getting over it, and I haven't done that completely yet. Some days thoughts of her just slam into my head leaving me feeling breathless and having an almost physical ache. :( I don't know what to do with these feelings. And some days I have to literally fight them off.

[robynberkley]

Been there...I have/had a huge crush on someone here but I have found that my feelings waned in time when I really focused on the life I was living at the present moment. While I am attracted to her, it doesn't mean much to me beyond that because I am really happy with my life now. But there were days when my heart and soul ached...wondering what it would be like...

The feelings are still overwhelming to me too. I'm constantly surprised at the depth of feelings I have for women, especially now that I can recognize it as such.

You are not alone...HUGS!

[TheOrignlGrlyGrl]

The feelings are still overwhelming to me too. I'm constantly surprised at the depth of feelings I have for women, especially now that I can recognize it as such.

You are not alone...HUGS! [/B]

Thanks:) It's nice to know there are others out there who understand what I'm going through. I've been immersing myself in my family and my hobbies lately and trying to forget "her". Most days I get through ok. But sometimes something will just bring the memories rushing back. It's then I need to find a quiet place and just let the feelings wash over me. I know eventually it will fade and remembering won't be so hard. I just have to wait it out.

[robynberkley]

I ran into my friend a few weeks ago and I hadn't seen her in 2 months and she just TOOK MY BREATH AWAY...I swear I must've been sending out huge waves of sparks...but I sat down and really tried to search in my soul what it was I was looking for in general. I realized that I really wanted to honor the feelings she evokes in me...WOWOWOWOW...believe me, but that I adored my husband and wouldn't trade what I have for the world.

The best healing process I have found is time, space, journaling, fantasies :D , and a healthy cry here and there. Honor how she makes you feel...put those feelings in a warm and safe place and nourish them. I have found talking with other bi women/moms and with my therapist has really helped. It was so liberating to me to finally accept and embrace being bi, even if I never experience a physical relationship with a woman. Just knowing I had found this important part of my identity really made me feel whole and I didn't feel like a martian anymore, KWIM?

As for my friend...I don't know what it was exactly, but one day, this button went "CLICK" in my head and suddenly I allowed myself to just enjoy her friendship and stopped mourning the "what ifs"...especially since I'm fairly certain she wouldn't be interested in women. I stopped thinking of how attracted I was to her and simply enjoyed her friendship. And that's a great feeling...

As for you...don't rush it...take each day...write down your feelings, share with a friend, spend some time exploring who you are and it will all come together...I promise! The journey is rigorous but the destination is AWESOME!

PM me if you want to chat more personally!

[TheOrignlGrlyGrl]

[i]
The best healing process I have found is time, space, journaling, fantasies :D , and a healthy cry here and there. Honor how she makes you feel...put those feelings in a warm and safe place and nourish them. I have found talking with other bi women/moms and with my therapist has really helped. It was so liberating to me to finally accept and embrace being bi, even if I never experience a physical relationship with a woman. Just knowing I had found this important part of my identity really made me feel whole and I didn't feel like a martian anymore, KWIM?

As for you...don't rush it...take each day...write down your feelings, share with a friend, spend some time exploring who you are and it will all come together...I promise! The journey is rigorous but the destination is AWESOME!

PM me if you want to chat more personally! [/B]

Thanks:) I do write in a journal daily and that helps. I also find immersing myself in my hobbies (scrapbooking, sewing, reading) helps immensely. The woman of my affection is lesbian and currently in a relationship so it's hard for me to see her. I still care for her deeply and hope that as time heals me we'll be able to enjoy a friendship.

PS. I'm new to this type of message board. What is "PM"??

[robynberkley]

A PM is a private message...kind of like sending an internal email where others can't see our communication. You can either click on my name and there should be an option to send a private message OR you can click on the button under any of my posts that say PM on it...and you can compose from there!

I'm glad you are journaling because that really helps. As for my friend, although I see her regularly which has been really hard (she's my daughter's swim instructor), I'm fairly sure she isn't les/bi although I have never asked her and it hasn't come up either. So that makes it a bit easier in some ways because it wouldn't happen even if I felt free to pursue a relationship. I couldn't imagine how difficult it would be for me if I thought she had any interest in women, as you face with your friend. There are no easy answers other than take each day as it comes!

Cheers...Robyn

[Kaitnbugsmom]

I've always known I was bi, I've read bi erotica since I was ten :) Had my first bi experiences at thirteen, then a three year dry spell. At sixteen i got into an on & off relationship with a bi friend. By eighteen she had kids and a DH and a live-in girlfriend, so I was out in the cold.. oh well..

Now, I'm twenty-five, married with two kids, and still bisexual. Haven't had another woman since I was seventeen, and I would LOVE to find 'ms. right' Heck, after a nearly six year dry spell, Ms right NOW would work... :lol but I don't drink, so the bar scene, limited as it is in this area, is out, and I'm too broke for those "pay to get in contact with bi singles in your area" services.. so I'll probably be in for a lot longer dry spell

My dh knows, and has known. he's straight, but he is also open to me having a relationship with another woman. He knows whose bed I sleep in at night, and that's all that matters..

[grltalk]

I'll just chime in that this has been a very interesting thread. All people who don't think anyone can really be "bi" should read it.

I met my first girlfriend right before she got married. We maintained the friendship for about 15 years. About 10 years in, she told me that she and her husband had included another woman in their relationship several years back. She told me it went pretty well for a while, and that it definitely confirmed her own bisexuality. The relationship ended because there was a much stronger attraction between the other woman and her husband, and my friend couldn't deal with that.

A few years later, my friend divorced her husband, began dating women exclusively, and now identifies as lesbian.

[Konur's Mom]

I had suspected for a long time that I was bi, but didnt have my first experience until after I was married. It was with dh full support and blessings. He also feels that as long as I am not hiding anything from him, that he has no problem with it. In fact, he encourages me to have a girlfriend. I dont believe in casual sex, so it has to be with a friend or someone I am romantically involved with. I have had one gf since my son was born, and had no prob showing her affection in front of him and her dd. Dh had no prob with it either. I consider myself polyamorous also, and have had relationships with men outside my marraige also. Again, with full support of my dh, in fact he was always good friends with the men.

[Divina]

DP and I had our first discussion about being bi (both of us, that is) before we were even dating, so that part was easy. And we have both had difficulty being monogamous in previous relationships. For me, it was a no-brainer that we have an open relationship. It made sense for DP, too, but I think he had a hard time, at first, believing that I really meant it!

Our basic rules are: no behind-the-back stuff, we keep each other informed, "festival sex" is okay as long as we're careful (this doesn't count as behind-the-back), and, when possible, we play with others together. (We have two couples we occasionally play with, and a male friend, but it's rare that we get together.)

Interestingly, neither of us has taken advantage of the openness very often--we have a 2.5 yr old and another on the way and, well, we're just too tired! But we both really, really like the level of communication that this kind of relationship requires of us. Since there are really no "traditional" rules, we have to be very extra clear with each other, and this spills over into all the other parts of our relationship.

[chiedza]

I am really envious of all of you who have open relationships and where your SO is comfortable with your bisexuality. I'm struggling with talking to my DH about this!

I have been out as bi since my first semester of college, and met my DH second semester. Since then I haven't been with a woman. There was one year, before we were married, when we agreed to see other people, but I didn't meet the right person.

After we got married I decided to just forget ever being with a woman, but ... ?

It's helped me reading about how the rest of you have dealt with these issues in your own relationships.

[UmmBnB]

I was in college when I had my first experience with another woman. We dated briefly and then I had another fling soon after school. I've always been attracted to both genders but interestingly (to me anyway) I've only choosen to really commit to relationships with men.

My first husband was my high school sweetheart and knew nothing of my lustings for women. My next relationship was with a guy who just thought my interest in women was hot. Whatever. My husband after that - yes, I've been down the aisle more than a couple of times - thought homosexuality was something vile and repulsive...direct from the devil....so I just never mentioned it to him.

My current, and most likely last, husband was very matter of fact in his reaction when he asked me if I was straight or bi - and I said bi. He just said, "Oh. Cool." He is bi as well. :D

I've always been pretty much monogamous - aside from some college trists. I'm not sure why I've always "settled down" with men as opposed to women. I've just not met a woman with whom I wanted a lasting relationship with.

[paintermommy]

I could have written this post nearly word for word...

Except I haven't told him yet. I only just admitted it myself, and I'm struggling with how to tell him. I've always suspected that I might be bi, but tried to convince myself that I just had more of an appreciation for other women than most hetero women do. Until I had this very odd dream that was more like an OBE.. a meeting/conversation with a guide, perhaps? and opened me up to that part of myself as something to take seriously, not to just flippantly dismiss. So, I had an ephiphany, and told DH about the dream and dropped many, many hints, but have not told him that I actually, seriously, do think I'm bisexual.

He seems to think that I'm just kidding .. because in the past I've always been very open about talking about the beauty of other women, and such. I don't know how to tell him that I'm serious, without hurting him. I'm sure he would get over it, he's very openminded, but I don't want him to feel inadequate, which he's not.
I haven't told a single soul yet. And I'm posting here anonymously, I don't want anyone to know before I am ready.

But I can relate, especially to the second part of the post I quoted. I have been wanting to find someone like myself, now and then. But although I am sure DH is open to me being bi, I'm pretty sure that he is not open to me actually being intimate (emotionally, physically, what have you) with another woman.

I just don't know if I could actually be with someone else and DH concurrently. I think on some level I'd always feel as if I was cheating on him, even if he was there. I don't know. I am still struggling with this, as you can see. It's very new. Several people here were talking about journaling and I do that.. mine is a very visual journal because sometimes I just can't get the right words out, but a picture or just some color on the page speaks what I'm trying to say. If nothing else it helps me to clarify what I'm feeling.

I am so glad this thread is here.

I've only recently admitted to myself and my husband of ten years that I'm bisexual. I think I always knew it and the more I've thought about it the more I remember. I was seven when I had my first crush on a girl. At the time, I had no sexual knowledge but remember thinking even then I shouldn't tell anyone.

..........

I'm happy and satisfied with my marriage and I don't feel like I'm really missing anything. But... at times I wish I could find a woman like myself. For the understanding and companionship. But this isn't exactly something I can bring up with the Mom's at the preschool. KWIM??

[Zaxmama]

I am glad this thread is here too...I don't really identify as any one particular label, that I know of anyway....I used to find myself having crushes on men and woman...I have been intimate with Men and Woman....I had an open marriage, that stopped when DS was in utero...now..I think I am asexual..I don't even care or think about sex...whats my label now? mentally when I think about it I would like to be sexual again..but I just cannot seem to get my urges or body to reciprocate...its all very sad.
sorry if this didn't belong her I guess I am just blowing off my sad sexless steam. :o

[wende]

I don't post here often because I sort of feel like this area is "reserved" for those who are in queer relationships, but I thought I'd say hello here.

I started thinking about women when I was VERY young. I think I was 5, actually. Growing up, however, I never realized that I had a choice. I thought I had to be with men, who I also enjoyed. I tried often as a young teenager to convince my girlfriends to experiment. When I was about 16 or 17 I talked to the girlfriend of my ex boyfriend on the phone about getting together, but it was still so taboo and I was scared. I was 19 before I ever really acted on my impulses, and by then I was a mother of 2. I had a few girls here and there that I played around with and one that I dated for a short time, but I was never willing to admit my "dirty little secret". Now, I'm married to a man who is wonderful and understanding. Of course, in the beginning of the relationship I was constantly talking about wanting to date women and he was against it. Now that we are comfortable in our relationship he's willing to allow me that freedom and I'm terrified to do it. He doesn't even want to be involved, necessarilly, though I'm sure he wouldn't turn it down, but I'm worried about what it would do to our relationship and how the kids would react were they to find out. I'm still not out to my family, though if my children asked I'd answer honestly.

[kitty waltz]

I am so struggling with this right now this thread is so fascinating to me. My marriage broke up, but we were poly. I had a close female friend and it seemed that she fit our family well, but it didnt work out between me and her, then she moved away. Then after my marriage split up I committed to a mutual {male} friend of my ex and I. Now my dp who knew Im bi, "isnt okay with it" and Im feeling more and more closeted every day. I used to enjoy being out with my friend, holding hands in public even with the kids and such and now I feel so out of place, especially since we moved away from my liberal sanctuary in Vermont, to arizona! I miss even having gay friends and such. And to end it all Im entirely financially dependant on him at the moment so i cant rock the boat. :(

[woodstock_mommy]

Hello. I am Laura. I live in GA and have 2 children. I am a SAHM. I didn't post an overall board introduction and I hope that is OK. . .but I am really glad that I found this board. I would love to be able to post here and talk about my feelings as a BI parent with other moms who feel the same! Thank you for the oppertunity.

I would also like to meet other moms in the area that feel the same way I do, bi or gay/lesbian either one is fine.

I am 25 and married. I had my first child at 19 and married his father. I never felt that I was even remotely curious until my son was about 2 years old. At that time, I started to have a feeling that I needed to explore the strong urges of being bi-curious. I met someone and spoke with her for about 2 weeks before I agreed to meet her at her apt.

At this time, I had every intention of hiding it from my husband, being with her just once, realizing it was a silly thing to think about and being done. But that is not how it has turned out. I DID hide it from my DH for a long time because I didn't think it was going to be her (or anyone) for a while after that.

Skip to today, 3.5 years later, my DH knows about her, has met her, but has no desire to be a part of that relationship. That is my "other" love and he knows that at the end of the day, I will still be here for him as well as her. The love is def. different, but it's as big from one to the other.

She is a single mom of 1 and we have been offically labeling our relationship as a "relationship" for about 6 months. Before that, life got crazy and we decided to be friends with fringe benefits, but it has progressed and it's getting stronger every day.

I don't want to loose my DH to anyone, and if he had a problem, he knows to come to me right away and talk to me, but so far, he is fine. I don't see him having problems in the future.

Thank you for offering this board where I can get advice and connect with others like me! This will make my lifestyle much eaiser because it gives me a group to discuss it with!

[magentamomma]

I am Bi also. As a kid my firsy sexual experiences were with girls, and I was fascinated with my grandpa's old Playboys circa 1950, but when my mom found them in my room she deeply shamed me I was 10 or so. After that i just felt like straight was easier to undeerstand, easier to access. I still don't know how one would find a woman. Any way I got married to My dh who am very attracted to and in love with, but I find myself feeling like an important part of myself is being denied. I have told dh that I am more attracted to women than men and he seems to understand, but I think for him it is a turn on and he is interested in the menage a trois aspect. i am open to that but for me i am more interested in exploring a sexual/ emotional relationship with just a women. i have afriend who is bi and lately we fool around-Fondling- but she is also in a commited relationship and has intimacy problems. How did you guys meet other women and have any of you reconciled the mff relationship well.DH is definately not bi. i would ultimately be open to a long term two wife situation, but I don't know if that is truly viable or only a fantasy

[SleepyMamaBear]

hi ladies. love this thread.
my name is Tiffany, SAHM to Addy 17.5 mo and DW to Morgan(male). married just over 2 years.
i identify myself as queer. my first attraction was to my best freiends in the 2nd grade. they were identical twins, becky and cathy, i still love those ladies! lol. i knew that i had to hide my feelings for girls growing up because of society, not my parents, caue my mom is great and understanding and loving no matter what. and my dad, well i am his lil girl yanno? so no matter what he loves me.
while a teenager i overemphasized my "hetero"ness to mask my deep desires for girls. i was extremely promiscuous(sp?) with boys and even fell in love with one. my freshman year of highscool i had my first girlfriend. i loved her SO much, and she was out to everyone. i was out at school, but not at home or anywhere else. she was incredibly mentally unstable, and due to me helping her parents help her get into a mental health facility she and igrew apart(her wishes).
i dabbled with a few other girls here and there but no relationships through highschool.
met a guy, fell in love, even moved to Boston from oregon to live with him while we went to college. he knew from the beginning i desired women morethan men, and that honestlyi was not that attracted to men physically, but was able to love men on a personal basis depending on the person. hey, the heart loves who it loves right? regardless of the genitals attached.
we lasted almost 4 years, then ended up crumbling and growing further and further apart.
i dated women on and off. and fell in love with two wonderful women, though not at the same time. the first was closeted, after i had been OUT to everyone i knew or would ever know. it was so hard for me t hide our relationship from those in her life that would make her feel badly about it. but i did for her sake. we ended up splitting when she couldnt commit to an honest (with everyone) relationship. then the second wanted to fool around and didnt want a relationship. and i fell head over heels for her. i mean, u-haul on the second date kind of madly. lol. she ended up leaving me for her highschool bf. so i casually dated here and there, always prefering women over men. even going so far as to telling myself i wasnt really queer, i was a lesbian, becaused i was convinced i could never ever be attracted to a man physically, and that i didnt want to ever love a man again.
then i met my husband. online lol. in a local chat room. where everyone knew i didnt like men. so there was never ay pressure. i was "one of the guys" he and i became really great friends. and ended up becomming really close to eachother. he was my best friend. and i had never met him in real life! ha! we talked online daily and nightly for a lil over a year. he knew all my "dirty lil secrets" and i knew his.
i invited him up for a swim and some homemade lasagna i had planned to make. and we even discussed a quick tension releaving(sp?) shag, jsut to get off.
he came up. and the second i hugged him i fell in love. silly i know. but he was my best friend. and in that one hug i knew he was the one.
we talked, ate, swam, talked, farted(to get past that awkward wont fart around the other person stage) and had no intention of making it anything more than friendship. though through the day, and later night we got so close. we made love, and i was physically attracted to him.
but we vowed we wouldnt date or anything, just remain friends, with the occasional benefit. the following day he left, and we said we would hang out again soon.
later that week i had my last fling with a woman, a friend with benefits. lol.
two days after her, he called and told me he couldnt keep it in any longer, that he had HUGE feelings for me and wondered if we could date. i confessed my mutual feelings for him and we started dating.
fast foreward two months, we declare our love. and ffwd two more months we are married.
he is my soul mate. i never thought i could ever find anyone that could make me feel the way he does.
i even find his genitalia lovely, and not repulsive in the least, as i had with other male members in the past.
we dont have an open relationship and we dont want an open relationship.
we fantasize every now and again, but nothing serious.
i still find myself longing for a womans touch. and always find women a billion times more attractive than men. in fact the only man i find attractive at all is my husband! lol.
but i cant even fathom being with anyone other than him now. my heart is filled with love and devoted to him. nor could i fathom he being with anyone else.
this has become a novel. and i really only intended to write a short paragraph! lol.
nice to find similar mamas.

[bjorker]

Wow, what a great thread. I hadn't seen this one before, it's so old! :nut

Are any of the original posters still hanging around here?

I feel a little funny telling "my story" to a dead thread, but after reading everyone else's, I figured I ought to chime in as somebody else who has BTDT!

I've been involved in a poly relationship before. It's a little complicated, but basically I was living with my BF, GF, and her husband. My BF & GF were not involved together, though they played a little bit. It didn't really last long, but I am glad for the experience. After my BF & I moved away from them, we "played" with another couple, the female being someone I had a "crush" on for quite some time. It didn't last long for a myriad of reasons (well, pure drama, mostly on her part). My BF and I also broke up not too long after that, making it very clear to me that we were not in a position to be with other people while with eachother. Our relationship just wasn't that strong.

Fast forward a bit to my current DP & I... I'll just refer to him as DH to make the gender clear, I guess-- we're only not married because it's totally not important to either of us to be married, not for any other reason. We have an almost-1 year old DD. We are very much in love & have a pretty damn strong relationship, though it did have its rocky beginnings. He's known about me being bi literally since he first met me, since my GF mentioned above was a good friend of his, and that's how I originally met him.

Still following me? If not, here's the important part:
I think I am more attracted to females than to males, though it's a little hard for me to tell since I am so one-sided in my relationships. I've had male partners consistantly since I was ... 15? Yet my experience with woman has been somewhat limited. And it has been almost three years since I've been with a woman at all. I feel VERY sexually frustrated. DH is somewhat open to the idea of me being with a woman, but as a VERY straight (heh) male, he doesn't totally "get it". Most every time I try to talk with him about it, he just makes jokes. He of course would rather another female be with HIM too. I am not opposed to that, but that makes finding someone THAT much harder. If not absolutely impossible. Or so it feels. He says that he won't know how he'll handle it without being in the situation, but it doesn't sound all that promising to me. I'm scared that if I do find a female to have some kind of relationship with, it will mess things up between DH and I. I would definately do what I had to do to rectify that, but I know that deep down I'd be very disappointed if I had to break it off with the female if he wasn't handling it well. So hence, I am very scared to try anything.

At the same time, I feel like I'm not being myself. I feel like I've been supressing something for a long time now. Frustration!!!

Still, I keep my eyes open, and if I have the opportunity to gently bring someone specific up to DH, I think that I would. My biggest problem is just finding somebody, especially while being my incredibly passive self... sigh.

Anybody still reading? :p

Thanks for this thread. It's nice to know that there are others out there, though I am sorry that many of you know my frustration. You guys are great. Keep on keepin' on. I'd love to hear how some of you original posters are doing with all of this now!

:Peace

[Oregonicmama]

Hi Mamas,

I am glad to have found this thread however old it is. Maybe we can liven it up some? :)

I don't really know where to start. I have been with DP (male) for almost 6 yrs. We have a 4.5 yr old and a 13m old. We got preg after dating for 2 months (intentionally) and have been together ever since. I have been Poly most of my life I think. Even in High School I could never just date one guy. Of course, everyone thought I was a terrible slut, no one understood, and I had never heard of Polyamory. When i would tell my boyfriends I didn't want to only date them, they would inevitably get mad and break up with me. Ahhh, high school! :lol I have also liked girls most of my life, but being a "slut" was bad enough, so I just didn't go there. I did have very close but never physical relationships with a couple girls who looking back on it i would say were more like girlfreinds than girl friends, but I nevr really though of it that way then.
So that said, DP and I had a really bumpy relationship for a long time. Still do sometimes. I wasn't exclusive to him when we first got together (it was never discussed, but just expected apparently). He is from a VERY conservative Christian family so he hated me and thought i was -surprise surprise- a terible slut for it. But I got preg so we never broke up. But he held it against and above me for years. He would get very offended if I flirted with anyone (m or f) and I couldn't go out with out him (well, I could g grocery shopping and stuff, but not to a bar or dancing or what not). This year he finally admitted that I haven't been doing anything wrong (i haven't been with anyone else since 2000) and its all his issue. THANK GOD!!!!! So, now we are considering having a Poly relationship. It would probably be more me being poly than him honestly.
SInce having babies, my attraction toward women has grown immensely. Sometimes I wonder if I am a lesbian, but I do really love DP and want to be with him. I hope this spring to find a nice secondary person to be with. I'm not sure if they will be male or female though. ANd I'm pretty shy around people I don't kow, so it may honestly not happen. ANy suggestions about that? Its been so long since I've actively tried to attract another person (heck, I've mostly been trying NOT to attract another person to please DP), that I feel like i'm 12 again!

Well, hope I'm not hyjacking the thread. And I hope some more likeminded mamas drop by.

:Peace

[pinkmilk]

I'm a bi Momma too however if I don't stop havin' babies I doubt I'll ever find a nice woman to romance!! I'm just so caught up in motherhood right now I can't imagine....O.K....that's all I do,imagine!! :blush .

Even though I decided to marry a man and I love him very much(which will never change) and even if I never ever was with a woman again( :( ) I will still and always identify as a bisexual woman. So the importance to relate to others is there.
So where does a Mom pick up chicks anyway!!!?? It seems like such a foreign concept.... What do we do??? Go to the bar 9 months pregnant? (Hi baby...wanna come over to my house...but be careful not to break my waters!) And a pregnant woman just looks so hetro, any self respecting lesbian would just run the other way!!Sighhhhhhhh! And then we're nursing for a couple years and we're leaking and gushing and pumping.And we have puke on our shoulders and we're not confident in our flabby mommy bodies...how the hell are we gonna meet anyone!!!!
Anyway... let's start a bi Mommy group so at least we have each other to talk to.
Who's in??

[Oregonicmama]

i'm in.

i thought about putting a personal ad in the paper that woud read something like this:

BiWMama seeks same for play dates and afternoons at the park. Must be breastfeeding friendly and have at least one child under 5. Should be available for fun during nap times and preschool hours. Must have own babysitter.

think it would work? :lol

[chiedza]

i'm in.

i thought about putting a personal ad in the paper that woud read something like this:

BiWMama seeks same for play dates and afternoons at the park. Must be breastfeeding friendly and have at least one child under 5. Should be available for fun during nap times and preschool hours. Must have own babysitter.

think it would work? :lol

LOL! I'd meet you!

[bjorker]

Oh, you guys are too funny! If I saw that ad in the paper, I'd be ALLLL overrr that. And I'm totally not the type to normally respond to ads.

pinkmilk: I can relate to what you say big time (and omg you made me LOL - seriously). I hate feeling like I'm misrepresenting myself by appearing hetero. To top it off, I'm pretty timid... NEVER the type to initiate something. I think step one is to break out of myself a little bit. I've seen bi-mom w4w ads in the local craigslist... but they hardly ever speak to me. Not to mention my dp, as I mentioned above in another post on this thread-- is not too sure about any of this. I ended up putting an ad on Craigslist at one time on a whim, and got a couple of promising responses. I was very honest about myself in order to cut through the B.S. & find someone "true". I talked to dp again after I got the responses, and it was chaotic, to say the least. I think the reality of it was a little frightening for him. I can't risk my relationship (or add too many bumps to it) by venturing out to find a woman... but at the same time, I feel pretty repressed. I feel like I'm not entirely myself. I do not like being in this position.

I guess I rambled about this already above. :nut

Seriously though - where DO you meet women? And somehow come across as NOT hetero? Yarg.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love this thread? :throb

[Indigo73]

Wow, my original post is over 18 months old - my response is #4. :lol

[bjorker]

Well it's good to see that you're still around MDC! :love

[BrooklynDoula]

Yes, I am post 19 from SO long ago. All still true, though!

[Oregonicmama]

[QUOTE=bjorker] I think the reality of it was a little frightening for him. I can't risk my relationship (or add too many bumps to it) by venturing out to find a woman... but at the same time, I feel pretty repressed. I feel like I'm not entirely myself. I do not like being in this position.[/QUOTE

A few months ago DP and I had a talk about our often turbulent relationship and what makes it that way and me being opressed was a big part of it. But he brough it up not me! :love He was raised in a hardcore Christian family in a small town and has some (sexual) issues because of it. *He wasn't allowed to go to the girls basketball game because he would see the players breast bouncing when they ran and jumped.* Poor DP :( . And he finally admitted to me that he doesn't trust me- not because of anything I have done (because I haven't done anything)-but because of his own issues from growing up. He told me he is ready to work on his problems instead of taking them out on me and I am free to go about my (sexual) business as I see fit. Boy did that ever improve our relationship. I finally felt accepted after 5 years of not feeling that way. I haven't even done anything yet, but I just feel better knowing that I wouldn't be demonized if I did (though he does prefer that I have a girlfriend and not a boyfriend).

I still feel pretty held down though. For instance I have a friend who I think is also Bi and i want to ask her. but if I do and she's not will she be wierded out? she would probably think i wanted to hook up with her when i really just want to know if she can relate on that level (she is cute, but too close of a famil friend to go that way with). I just feel overall held down, not by DP in particular.

I mean I have kids and never leave my house how is this all supposed to
work?

okay i'm rambling.

I'm typing just to hear the sound of my own clicks.

[bjorker]

No worries about the ramble Oregonicmama, I am the queen of ramble! Have fun trying to beat me at my own game, mwa ha ha ... (see, I'm doing it already).

Anyway... I can very much feel what you're saying here. I do believe that if I had the green light, I'd still feel held down-- I mean, how DO we go about this? I can definately relate to the bit about asking someone if they're bi in the first place. I can't imagine asking flat out, but I have figured people out in the past... but only because I was very open about myself. Even still, that chance isn't always present, some people don't even realise it yet, others don't know what they want, etc...
Actually, the whole reason I "figured out" I was bi in the first place was because somebody asked me flat out. That's when I realised, "Oh, that's what this is!" and suddenly everything made a lot more sense.

Though if this wasn't such a big part of me, I'd have given up on it long ago. I mean, so much confusion and potential for drama... yadda yadda.
Why people would EVER think this is a choice, I don't know.
Still, I am proud of myself and who I am.

I must admit when I read of your conversation with your DP, I felt an awfully big pang of jealousy. I really want to be in the position to at least try, to at least be free to try... and I guess in a way I am... but when he came to the conclusion that he's not going to know how he'll deal with it without actually being in that situation... it was not a good point in the conversation. I felt completely backed into a corner. He may have felt that way too. I don't want to pressure him into anything, but what else am I going to do? If he's happy this way, then why would he want to change anything?
(so I can be happy too?)
...And it's not that I'm not happy... I am happy with him! I mean, we have our issues of course, but the point is that I am not complete. It makes me disgusted with sappy songs and poems about relationships when they say, "you complete me" or "you are the only one for me", etc. That sounds awfully co-dependant to me.
It seems pretty clear to me that not any one person can be *everything* to another.

Okay, this is turning into a poly thing instead of a bi thing, but for me that's much of the issue.

When we were having said conversation (and he's done this before), he said to me, "And how would YOU feel if *I* went out and got a girlfriend?". I had mixed feelings about that, but I think much of that was the way in which he said it. It was like he was trying to make me jealous and shove something back in my face. Honestly, if done thoughtfully & honestly... I don't think I'd mind. It's all about *how* it's done, not just that it's done at all.

He is also afraid that it will somehow take away from his sex life. Or if he knows that *I've* had sex with someone else that night, he'll feel bad because it wasn't him that was enjoying himself.

He understands how I feel and who I am, and he has from the get-go, but he does not understand these feelings without having had them himself. I am not sure how to get around that. I am not sure how I can make him see that it's just another part of me. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now there's some ramble for you. (ahem) sorry... :innocent

Good luck to you. Good luck to all of you. It's good knowing that I'm not alone in all this, but I also wish I could take away everyone's pain that comes with being in this situation.

...okay, I'm going to stop now...... shut me up! :blah

[JenniferC]

I think the best solution is to find other bi-mammas to hit on...harder said than done however! I've been going to playgroup while we are in the city, but...it's not exactly something you just up and suggest out of the blue ;).

What I'd REALLY love is for another family to come and live with us on our 80 acres with small children and a bi-mamma in the mix!

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

I'm also another bi mom who hasn't been with a woman in quite some time, and am really missing having a female companion.

SO (male) and I have talked about having a poly relationship, and really would like to pursue that, but like most people have no clue.

Our feelings on it are mutual, but in the end, he wants me to be happy, and if that means I'd be the one being poly, he's happy with that and accepts it.

Meeting people is so hard though. I can't even find FRIENDS let alone someone to date and have a potential relationship with!!

[Oregonicmama]

Hi mamas,

thought I'd give this thread a lift and say hi. Its been a while since anyone posted here, anyone else out there?

Bjorker,

"It's all about *how* it's done, not just that it's done at all."

I totally agree. My DP would try to throw that what if i got a girlfriend thing at me too. I told him that if that was something within the boundaries of our relationship that i wouldn't mind. but that if we had never discussed it before hand i'd be upset. heck, i'd be happy if he had a girlfriend- maybe she'd like me too. :lol

for me it is more of a poly thing. i find women attractive but have never been with one. But my feelings are about men too. I think all that "you complete me" stuff is a little weird too. how can one person (or 2 even) possibly be all that you need forever? people change! no one is forever the same so why should we forever be with the same person? I am certainly different than I was when dp and i met and i wish i had someone i could relate with more to hang out with, but i still love dp.

dp and I have come to the conclusion that it would spice things up for us if we were with other people sometimes. Like the excitement of the new thing would transfer over to our bedroom, and we could learn new things from the new lovers too. At first he felt the same way about it (more so if the lover was male) as your guy, but I got him on my side on this one. And if you are being more satisfied (not just sexually, but mentally, and emotionally) then wouldn't you be more open and in tune for sex?


Meeting people is so hard though. I can't even find FRIENDS let alone someone to date and have a potential relationship with!!

So true!! lol!! and it seems that i don't want to get involved with the mamas i do know because i am just happy to have found some cool friends and don't want to loose any of them.

speaking of which... i think my friend is bi! but she's really cool so, well, as i said above. But when we're together i just get this feeling like she likes me. but i can't eally explain what makes me feel that way. i did find out that she is an aquarius (like me) and that makes me wonder if we're just unintentionally flirting with eachother, and I'm just picking up on it. But I think she gives me special looks sometimes (the unneccessarily extra long look in the eyes type looks) and today she said something to me. We were taking the kids for a hike in the park (our girls go to prek together and are practically best friends) and she was telling me how at school today they were cuddling and her dd told mine that she loves her and mine said "but I'm not a boy!" I was explaining how I try to tell her that not everyone likes the opposite sex and she goes "oh, my kids know ALL about that." and I'm like "oh yeah?" and she just says "yeah" and gave me a look. she was about to say something else and someone walked up and started talking to us. :irked: am I seeing something that isn't there? Am I right to say I shouldn't go there b/c of our DD's relationship? I would hate to have something going with her and have it not work out and there's weirdness between our families over it. But it would be really nice to have such a cool girlfriend!

[chiedza]

Oregonicmama, I think you should totally pursue things with your friend! You could just ask her what she was going to say and/or what she meant by her kids knowing ALL about that -- then if she says she's bi you can say, "me too!" and then that will open up the conversation to the possibility of something happening with you two!

I posted a long time back on this thread but I'm now leaving H so no longer "in a relationship" -- looking forward to exploring bisexuality OUT of my relationship! LOL.

I've been curious, though, reading posts here lately, about why those of you who, like Oregonicmama, don't think 2 people can "complete eachother" decided to get married? I hope that doesn't sound snarky -- I'm seriously asking. Partly because I'm questioning why I got married.

Or to put it on a more theoretical level, what is the value of marriage if you plan/hope/wish to be involved with more than one person? Is it just to gain access to societal benefits or is there some other reason?

[Oregonicmama]

hi Chiedza,

Well, DP and I are not married, and that is largley why. Its not that we don't love eachother, we do, but that may not last forever. And we both have acknowledged from the start that what we have is what works for us right now and that may change at some point. But I have to say that even though thats what we said, it is still a little scary to change.

Even if we did stay together forever, we deffinitely don't plan on living together forever. I want my own house and he wants to travel more, and I am just fine with that. Once we are financially stable enough and the kids are a bit older, my life will be largely my own.

Would I like to get married? sure, maybe someday. But i'd have to know the person for at least as long as I've known DP to even consider it. I am just now REALLY getting to know him and we already have 2 kids together!

I really enjoy the relationship we do have. We live like husband and wife, even refer to eachother as that, but we don't have that whole bound by god and law stuck together forever thing. Its pretty nice.

[chiedza]

Even if we did stay together forever, we deffinitely don't plan on living together forever. I want my own house and he wants to travel more, and I am just fine with that. Once we are financially stable enough and the kids are a bit older, my life will be largely my own.

That sounds like a great arrangement! I could never have had that with H, which is part of the reason we're splitting up.

[Indigo73]

Is it just to gain access to societal benefits or is there some other reason?

societal benefits - insurance, buying a house, co-parenting are the main reasons why dh & I married.

Besides, I knew I'd want to spend my life with him. Just because we are both open to other relationships doesn't make our commitment to each other "less." So we chose to make it legal.

We are pretty tied with the local poly-community. We know couples, triads, quads and various networks/tribes that have been together for decades.

Even if I chose to stay in New England and dh chose to return to California, there is an excellent chance that we'd stay married.

[Sharlla]

I've been curious, though, reading posts here lately, about why those of you who, like Oregonicmama, don't think 2 people can "complete eachother" decided to get married?

No one can complete me as I am a complete person already.

what is the value of marriage if you plan/hope/wish to be involved with more than one person?

I got married because DH wanted a committment and going throught the legal process of marriage made him feel more secure in our relationship. I have made a life long promise to be with him, and he never has to doubt that, nor do I need to doubt him. But I don't feel that my committment with him is lessened at all if he or I were to love or have a relationship, sexual or emotional, with someone else.

[bjorker]

Yay, more activity on this thread! :p

Oregonicmama, thanks for your words. I think that will ultimately help me out a lot. I'll keep discussing it with my DP and hopefully we'll get somewhere at some point...
I thought about how it would spice things up for us as well - I really do believe that. However, I feel a little weird saying as much. I don't want him to think that something is wrong with him that I need somebody else to spark the excitement in our relationship. Hmm... not sure if I'm explaining that right. I guess I'm just afraid he's going to take it too personally. We just think so differently about the issue, that I could see how he would think that. Like, "what wrong with me, that she needs somebody else to make things more exciting with me?" And that's not it at all! I am quite happy with him as a person and a partner, but to me that's largely irrelevant. I like the way you explained it though, I guess I should just try to explain myself to him another way. I feel exactly the same way you do -- it's impossible to find all you need or want in one person. It makes me wonder about our huge cheating culture. People don't know where to go with those feelings, so they act out on them in frustration and screw everything up.

As for your friend - that's kind of exciting. :love I agree with chiedza - if you feel comfortable going back and asking about that particular comment, that could really open something up. Though I thought I remembered you saying that you weren't interested in this person in that way - just more as a person to relate to ... ? Though I've ended up interested in people I didn't prior think I would be, too. One of which turned into a relationship, but that was not while with DP (though I was with a different boyfriend at the time - we all ended up living together for awhile, but I think I've already explained that on this thread somewhere).

chiedza - to answer your marriage question. Actually I can again relate to Oregonicmama here. We're not married for a number of reasons. I'm not religious, not too into the government as a whole-- I really don't feel like I need a piece of paper and a ceremony to commit me to my DP. At all. I'm totally not trying to minimize marriage for other people here, I think that's GREAT if it works for you. I just mean that's how I view it for my own self and my own relationship. I also have a hard time supporting a system that I find very unfair. Sure, I can marry him if I want to, because he is a guy. If I happened to fall in love with a woman, I'd be outta luck, at least where I live. We talked about doing it in Canada - now there's a statement. Still, I don't view marriage as saying "you complete me, that's it, I'm done". I view it more as a way for people to say that they love eachother, respect eachother, want to stay together, etc. That fits me, but I still have those reasons stated above for not doing it. Again, Oregonicmama, I totally agree about acknowledging the fact that we very well might change sometime in the future. I hope not, and that wouldn't necessarily stop me from marriage unless I had a good reason to believe that it would happen sooner than later, but ultimately marriage just isn't important to me. Plain and simple.

Sharlla, I love your statement, "No one can complete me as I am a complete person already." -- absolutely! I think that's part of the reason those sappy love songs and sayings really get to me. If we're relying on somebody else who we cannot control to be a part of our own selves, doesn't that ultimately lead to disaster? At least most likely? Again, that sounds awfully co-dependant. I think it's integral to a relationship to maintain your own identity, interests, sense of self, etc... or else you'll just get lost. At least I would. I've been in that relationship before where I felt I was being leaned upon. I really couldn't breathe or entirely be myself, and it was a disaster. My relationship now is good like that. We have our own things, but we also come together well. I don't feel like I'm being "completed", I feel like I'm being complimented. Cheese and wine, baby, cheese and wine. Hah, we've talked about this before: he's the cheese and I'm the whine. ;) But aren't there maaaany types of cheese out there? I think so!

Bad metaphors means it's time for me to shut up. Thanks again, all. This is officially my favourite thread. :flipped

[bjorker]

Oh, okay, one more thing, a little OT.
Oregonicmama, where in Oregon are you (if you don't mind?)? I think I'm falling in lurrrrve. :throb Teehee. I really relate to what you say here. DP is from Eugene and we go down there every so often - I guess I'm just curious!

Also, my daughter's middle name is Aurora. Had to say it - I just love that name. I wanted it as her first name, but we have an old but major highway here with scrappy businesses up and down it called Aurora, so I couldn't quite bring myself to name her that.

Anyway... :blah ... sorry. :blush

[karuna]

It's interesting that everyone posting to this thread is in a het relationship exploring being with women, and no mamas in lesbian relationships exploring being with men. Just worth noting.

I haven't posted here yet, partly just because so many stories are so much like mine, I felt like it had all been said already! But in the interest of 'tribe' and connecting, I want to join in the discussion. I've really enjoyed reading everyone's stories and thoughts here, and it's provided much food for thought for me. :)

I dated women, pretty exclusively, until I was 25, when I fell in love with my current partner-- and then got knocked up a year later, ha ha! Identified as a dyke, and still do to some extent. Definitely still identify as queer. Most of my friends are lesbians and gay men, but I moved across the country this past year and in trying to meet new friends with kids my daughter's age, I'm finding mostly straight mamas. I miss being/feeling part of a queer community, and I wonder if that's just what happens when you get with a guy and have a kid?? HA.

My partner and I are not married, for political reasons really similar to what bjorker said, and he is extremely queer positive and progressive, and cool with me being queer and all that. BUT, whenever I start a discussion about being poly-- even just a tiny bit, with lots of restrictions and whatever-- he kind of freaks out. I don't have much of a sex drive these days, and I've gained a ton of weight since my daughter's birth, so it's not a practical issue of immediate importance for me! Just a sort of theoretical, if-at-some-point-in-the-future, kind of issue.

crying 2 yr old, gotta go!

[Oregonicmama]

for some reason, I have been unsubscribed from all my threads and have missed out since my last post! I missed this thread! :love


Bjorker, I'm in Eugene. Once I get a car (anytime now just waiting for something we like) I could even meet you someplace between here and there maybe.

I think it is important to stress to your DP that it isn't something better its just something different. Maybe you could give an example of the other guy actually teaching you something DP would like? That was one angle I used. I had to be real delicate about it with DP too. He is pretty insecure so it was hard to say it right and not offend him.

In regard to our Cheating Culture, I think it ouldn't be sucha porblem if we all didn't have the word "cheating" drill into our heads about it. If it was just called polyamory (or anyother word without negative conotations) i think people would be much more excepting of it. i am under the impression that in some european countries it is fairly common place for people to date outside their marriage.

i think I am going to just leave it at that with my friend and see what happens. Its not that i'm not attracted to her or anything, I think she's great, I am just concerned about our dds friendship. the love eachother so much and I'd hate to mess up their bond with some relationship drama, kwim?

My Aurora's middle name is Li "lee." I recenlt noticed a building downtown called the "aurora building" :rolleyes heehee

It seems to me that it would be tough to find other queer mamas to hang out with. Maybe you could post something on Craiglist? Someone here in Eugene posted on our craiglist recenlt for a queer mamas playgroup. There seems to be a lot of queer couples here with kids, mostly women.

DP and I are not getting along very well right now so i am a bit distracted :flipped . I wish i could just zap myself to Hawaii eveynight after the kids go to bed.

[bjorker]

Oregonicmama--

My DP and I have been at it lately too. It must be something in the air..... I hope you two are fairing a little better by now. :hug

After I asked you where you were and mentioned Eugene, I realised that I *think* I saw that in another thread on here (somebody was asking if there were any queer mamas in the Eugene area?). :p I knew I must have gotten that from somewhere. Meeting somewhere would be awesome! I've been looking for an excuse to go to Powell's... I mean, uhh.. Portland, yeah that's it... so I wouldn't mind the ride down there. Not sure how I'd work that one out, though (beings that it'd be about a 5 hour round trip if no traffic w/ a 1 y.o.), but I could probably figure something out.

I must ask, do you go to the Country Fair? My DP usually goes every year (and went as a child!), and I've gone the last three years. It doesn't look like we'll be able to go this year, though, because we usually work the fair through the following week, and last year it totally killed our finances. :( I still get all excited about it though, but maybe because I'm a newbie and not from the area.

As far as meeting other queer mamas... I actually just went to a meet-up today (posted on this sub-forum) though it wasn't made for that reason. I did post something in the way of a personal ad on Craigslist once, but after I got responses and talked to DP about it is when he started closing off and saying those comments I mentioned before... "well what if *I* get a girlfriend, too?!" (negatively, as if with malice). It did not end on a good note, so I didn't pursue it. If we get to a better place with this whole thing, maybe I'll try again. I have other things to work through too.. general shyness, self-image issues, blah blah blah...
Maybe someday...
Until then, my mind wanders.

Thanks again for sharing your experience and such. It really does help, and I've really enjoyed this thread. As I've mentioned so many times before. :love

I hope I didn't ramble too far off-topic here, I really don't want to discourage other people from posting! Post, people, post!

[pinkmilk]

Hi I'm back!!! Took a break to have a baby!!
It's so hard to meet people, especially when you're relatively new to an area. I managed nicely in a gay community in Calgary and again in Kelowna when I lived there. And even though I had kids and dated guys it made no difference. And even after I married dh I still had a girl love and it made no differnce to him. It is real important to who I am to feel a part of a community that I relate to. I'm going to have to make a huge effort this spring to get out and meet people.
My dh knows that I love him dearly and I know when I find someone I want to be with, as long as I'm honest and upfront, my dh will be O.K. with it. As long as it does'nt interfere with "us" in any way. He'd probably be glad because I don't get out much(obviously...I just had a babe) but actually haven't done much in the 3 years we've lived here. I have a couple friends and they know my story but I know they don't relate. Sigh.
In Kelowna I was in a group called the Godess Circle and we got together once a month around the full moon and had a potluck supper, danced or did poetry reading, meditated, belly danced, prayed to differnt forms of God/Godess... and related to each other on deep levels of love and understanding. It was a completely supportive community of women, some gay,some straight...I totally miss it. :(
And I'm way too busy with my family to start a group here.(And I'm in red-neckville so I doubt anyone would come anyway)
:blah

[minkajane]

I didn't realize my bisexuality until after I was married. My husband was present for my first girl experience (CRAZY night!) and I have had two girlfriends. I am not dating anyone at the moment, but I have complete freedom and permission should I wish to pursue a relationship in the future. I don't know how I'm going to work that with my family, though. That's what really scares me. My family is VERY conservative for the most part and I really don't know how they'd react if another person were to become part of our family. And I'd feel bad "hiding" an important relationship. It wouldn't be fair to her. Besides that, DS would be sure to say something about "Mommy's girlfriend." I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...

[bjorker]

Just in case you guys haven't been following the big "Queer Poll" thread (which morphed subjects entirely), I am not sure if this here thread is going to last.

That makes me very, very sad.

I think I'll hold off on responding further to anything here... I feel like I am being scrutinized for taking part in something that was important to me.

Too bad.

[pinkmilk]

This thread can last Bjorker!!!If we want it to! OR we can start a new one. Heck, I'll start one right now.

[bjorker]

Well, right after I posted that, I read that we're okay for now. They're just going through and deciding what kind of subjects are okay and not okay for MDC. This type of subject matter might be deemed inappropriate for the forum :( But until they decide... we're okay continuing to talk about it. It's just making me even more sensitive talking about this stuff. Ya know? It's already a sensitive topic for most, so it was hard hearing that maybe this doesn't belong here. Like I was given a false sense of security or something. eh. :shrug

Soooo... after all that... how're ya'll doing? :lol
Anybody else want to chime in? *poke*

[heket]

Can I just ask... :o

Anyone else not totally feel that this is a "safe place" to speak of this? I've been a long time lurker of this thread (and maybe a previous poster back in the day), but I've never really feeled like this was a place that was ok to post, YKWIM? There used to be a board in cyber world called original moms, but I think it is long since defunct. Some of the mamas here would also post there. If anyone knows of a similar place, I'd be interested! :)

[bjorker]

You mean off MDC, right? There was another forum that somebody here once mentioned specifically for bi moms, and now I can't find it. I'll keep looking if your interested, or maybe the person that mentioned it in the first place will chime in!

I couldn't really get into it... there weren't that many people on it and I wasn't quite sure how to jump in since everyone seemed to know eachother already. Plus there were only a certain number of sub-forums to post in before you had a high enough posting count to be let into the rest of the forums. Maybe once I find it I'll try again.

I'll keep looking!

[maigheach]

no matter where you post, be careful. my sister found out about my bicuriosity simply by doing a google search of my email address. a cached page from a board that i am no longer a member of came up, complete with my comments about my lack of experience! eliminating incriminating "evidence" does no good, since the pages can be archived and accessed anyway.

roxanne

[bjorker]

Yikes :blush ... I actually share a completely different email address with my family for that sort of reason. Why was your sister googling your email address? :( Still ... crappy situation.

I'm sorry, mama... I hope all is well.

[pinkmilk]

I use separate e-mails for different things and I NEVER use my real last name for anything online. That way my private life can be kept private, my past can't bite me in the ass and I don't have to worry about my safety in cyber space.
The funny thing is that I do know a couple moms who are a part of this mothering forums community and well they don't know I'm bi (but if they come across this then they do now!). I've been feeling a bit nervous of them finding out this way cuz all they need to do is look at my profile and see all my posts!! But I want my friends to know who I am so I guess it's O.K.(just not the best way to tell your friends your gay!)

I think I'll change my sig. so I nick's for my kids instead of their real names...just to be cautious.(God, I think I'm getting paranoid).

[Indigo73]

My mom is the "don't ask, don't tell" set of mind. I have never out and out said mom I am bi and polyamorous. But she knows I am "weird."

I am pretty much out.

[bjorker]

Funny, as that's pretty much the way it is with my mom... actually my whole family. I think that they have a pretty good idea, but don't really care to know. Despite the fact that I don't like feeling like I'm somehow misrepresenting myself, I'm pretty much fine with that when it comes to my family. :p

[dawnadelle]

Well... there are 5 pages of responses here and I haven't read any. I am not new to the Mothering board/community, but certainly new here.

I 'came out' to my husband 2 years ago. I was kinda' figuring on having a supportive response after being married for so long... and it was supportive at first. He encouraged me in my search for a girlfriend, but soon found he was not ok with it. I dated one woman for 5-6 months, then broke-up because it was too much stress for him. He seemed to realize my pain, then we tried again. I dated another woman, fell very much in love, and he found it too difficult once again. I was left with a choice... either commit to monogamy, or lose him as my husband and the lives we have built together with 3 children.

Currently - I am in a "monogamous" relationship with my husband, but still very much in love with someone... what should I call her... my girlfriend? my lover? my friend?

I resent my husband and his lack of support/understanding for my sexuality. It was difficult enough for me to come to where I am, but to be chastised and given the threat of abandonment on top of it? I don't know. I am frustrated and angry most days. I love the freedom to be able to say "I am gay" many days, but at what price did I pay for it? It's too confusing of a place for me to comment fairly about it.

But now I am here... where I am... feeling pretty secure about my sexuality, but inhibited by my marriage.

[TexasTomboy]

I wish I had time to reply to all the interesting stuff I've read on here.

I've been through the crappiest experience. My (ex?)girlfriend was a mom with two kids. And her marriage totally blew up partially because of the relationship she had with me (although more because her soon-to-be-ex-husband is an abusive jerkoff). And the whole thing was really terrible, and turned into a huge nasty divorce, which I ran away from (to London).

So, I have some issues. :crying

[TexasTomboy]

Well... there are 5 pages of responses here and I haven't read any. I am not new to the Mothering board/community, but certainly new here.

I 'came out' to my husband 2 years ago. I was kinda' figuring on having a supportive response after being married for so long... and it was supportive at first. He encouraged me in my search for a girlfriend, but soon found he was not ok with it. I dated one woman for 5-6 months, then broke-up because it was too much stress for him. He seemed to realize my pain, then we tried again. I dated another woman, fell very much in love, and he found it too difficult once again. I was left with a choice... either commit to monogamy, or lose him as my husband and the lives we have built together with 3 children.

Currently - I am in a "monogamous" relationship with my husband, but still very much in love with someone... what should I call her... my girlfriend? my lover? my friend?

I resent my husband and his lack of support/understanding for my sexuality. It was difficult enough for me to come to where I am, but to be chastised and given the threat of abandonment on top of it? I don't know. I am frustrated and angry most days. I love the freedom to be able to say "I am gay" many days, but at what price did I pay for it? It's too confusing of a place for me to comment fairly about it.

But now I am here... where I am... feeling pretty secure about my sexuality, but inhibited by my marriage.

(((hugs))):bawl

[MammaKoz]

And I'm way too busy with my family to start a group here.(And I'm in red-neckville so I doubt anyone would come anyway)

Hey, I'd go!:D And I live in Red-Neckville too :lol That group you were with in Kelowna sounds wonderful, I'd love to find a group like that!

[Konur's Mom]

*waving to Dawn*


(Psstt, I'm Red from BiMamas.net)

[TexasTomboy]

I use separate e-mails for different things and I NEVER use my real last name for anything online. That way my private life can be kept private, my past can't bite me in the ass and I don't have to worry about my safety in cyber space.

Unless someone prys into your hard drive, or you ISP records, or the NSA is monitoring you.

[pinkmilk]

Hey, I'd go!:D And I live in Red-Neckville too :lol That group you were with in Kelowna sounds wonderful, I'd love to find a group like that!

Are you my queer neighbor?:lol

[pinkmilk]

Unless someone prys into your hard drive, or you ISP records, or the NSA is monitoring you.

Hey...stop that!!!You're feeding my paranoia!!:)

[pinkmilk]

Geez... I haven't been around these parts for so long I can't believe this thread is still active!!!!

Actually I can believe it cuz us complex bisexuals are so very very interesting!!!

Aren't we?:love

[TexasTomboy]

Hey...stop that!!!You're feeding my paranoia!!:)

In my experience, the mix of men and jealousy are a dangerous combination.

:hide:

[HerthElde]

The funny thing is that I do know a couple moms who are a part of this mothering forums community and well they don't know I'm bi (but if they come across this then they do now!). I've been feeling a bit nervous of them finding out this way cuz all they need to do is look at my profile and see all my posts!! But I want my friends to know who I am so I guess it's O.K.(just not the best way to tell your friends your gay!

I :eyes U!!! hee hee, 'sokay I'm bi too :wink

[azedazobollis]

Just reading through this thread.....

This weekend, I briefly mat a lesbian couple with their twin girls at the shoe store. I chatted briefly with them. I just wanted them to experience someone being supportive of a loving lifestyle. What I wanted to say was, "Thank you for choosing to live as you are. There was a time in my life where I could have taken a completely different path. Now, 4 children later, I still look back and say "what if..."

I am honest with my husband. I am married. Being married doesnt change who I am. I am in a monogomous realtaionship and just like a "monogomous married straight woman" who looks at another man, I will always look at and fanatasize about another attractive woman. It is human nature. I do believe that most women have it in them to be "bi". Who doesnt check out other women? Women are beautiful, men are.... well, men...

heh.

[11yrsNoKid]

I met my Dh when I was 16. This didn't give me much time to explor my sexuality before I met him. On the day before we got married, I had my first experiance with a woman. We had a three year relationship, and we eventually shared it with my husband the night before she moved away. She moved to Cali and I when she came back, she stayed with us for a couple of days. She slept with me, while dh slept on the sofa... His choice. Since then, I have had other experiences, but only one other relationship. Her dh was overseas in Iraq. I talked to him on the phone and he was supportive... He looked at it like this... As long as she was with me and I kept her busy, she wouldn't find another man. Most men look at female realtionships as not cheating. My dh and I had seperated last year, for other reasons. Since we have been back together, I cant bring myself to ask him for his blessing to let me have a female (relationship) friend. I am however looking for one at the moment. If I find someone that is worthy, I will bring it to his attention. If he agrees to let me have this friendship, I will make sure not to let it interfear with my married life. I anyone feel the same?

[pinkmilk]

ya...i totally get this. I am in the same boat too. I'm kinda looking(as much as a momma with 4 kids can look!!!:nut )...i know i would be honoring myself on a level that most people can't understand and therefore being a better person; wife; and mother, because of it. I fear it to. I know in the past relationships inside of marriage can be good or bad. I fear hurting dh. Not because i would love this person more than him but what if he was feeling insecure about it...kwim?

[Jilian]

Hi mamas :wave I'm late to this thread, but just found it. I consider myself a bi mama too. I am currently in a comitted relationship with a man, but did briefly date a nice girl back in college. I could easily see myself being with a man or woman. I am attreacted to women just as much as I am attracted to men. However I could never see myself having a polyamorous relationship. I don't think it would be fair to my DP, and it's just not me. So, for the time being I am content with having a relationship with a man.

Its nice to see that there are other bi mamas around here. :D

[pinkmilk]

:wave

[Konur's Mom]

Sorry about BiMamas.net being down, you can go to our emergency forum at http://www.redthorian.org/ and let me know your name there so I can let you in to the private bimamas forum.

[11yrsNoKid]

I went to that site and didn't see anything.

So who here is willing to act on there feelings. I am!!! I am ready to meet someone with my same interests and feelings. It doesn't have to be sexual at first... I am really looking for a female, to get some of this built up gossip about myself out. I want to be able to walk together and say, damn look at that... mmmm she is fine. LOL I would love to be open and honest with a friend. My dh knows about my feelings, but it isn't the same. I want to be able to express them.

[Konur's Mom]

The only way to see anything is to be let in to the private forum there. The main site (Bimamas.net) is back up now. We just use that for emergencies.


I am constantly amazed at how many husbands are not okay with their wive's being bi or are okay as long as they get to be there. Its not a spectator sport!

[dawnadelle]

I met my Dh when I was 16. This didn't give me much time to explor my sexuality before I met him. On the day before we got married, I had my first experiance with a woman. We had a three year relationship, and we eventually shared it with my husband the night before she moved away. She moved to Cali and I when she came back, she stayed with us for a couple of days. She slept with me, while dh slept on the sofa... His choice. Since then, I have had other experiences, but only one other relationship. Her dh was overseas in Iraq. I talked to him on the phone and he was supportive... He looked at it like this... As long as she was with me and I kept her busy, she wouldn't find another man. Most men look at female realtionships as not cheating. My dh and I had seperated last year, for other reasons. Since we have been back together, I cant bring myself to ask him for his blessing to let me have a female (relationship) friend. I am however looking for one at the moment. If I find someone that is worthy, I will bring it to his attention. If he agrees to let me have this friendship, I will make sure not to let it interfear with my married life. I anyone feel the same?

I married at 19, but was with DH since I was 17. I am 34 now and also missed out on that opportunity to explore my sexuality and come to better grips with the fact that I identify as very bi/lesbian.

I disagree very much with this statement though: "Most men look at female realtionships as not cheating." --- Why is it that even when my DH gave me permission, and I did it, he accused me of cheating and that I was acting like some kind of whore? LOL - sorry, just sharing my experience. Besides, he says he's sorry, but whatever... I still miss out, right?

I feel that bisexuals who end up in a marriage shouldn't be condemned. I was never intending on letting my relationship with another woman interfere with my marriage, but the bitterness between DH and I never seemed to let up. Now I maintain "friendships" with women and all is fine (in that area anyway). I can be friends and be in love, but cannot have sex and be in love... I guess... according to him. I am still confused by it all.

[11yrsNoKid]

I hear you on that part... Mine gave me his blessing too, but when we seperated, he used me being with other women as an excuse to cheat. Then when we got back together, he asked me how many women I slept with while we were seperated. This was way back in 2001, so i don't want to dredge up old memories. We are doing great now, but I still have that longing for a close friend that can spend the night every once in a while. ya know!!

[heket]

:duh double post :p

[heket]

I am constantly amazed at how many husbands are not okay with their wive's being bi or are okay as long as they get to be there. Its not a spectator sport!

:lol Yup! My dh falls into the latter. One of the first things he asked was, "Can I at least watch?" :shake :p :lol

[Indigo73]

I am constantly amazed at how many husbands are not okay with their wive's being bi or are okay as long as they get to be there. Its not a spectator sport!

Sigh, I just have to say I am so very grateful to have met my husband. He just gets it. Maybe because he is bi as well, but just as likely because he's such a generous soul.

Not that I have anything against FMF threesomes. :wink