mixed emotions, pg w/ 2nd baby...

[meghandmama]

hi mamas, i just found out i'm pg w/ 2nd babe. my dd is now 4.5 yrs old and she is the joy of my life. i grew up an only child and anyway to make a long herstory brief, my dd was truly in my heart all i'd ever thought i'd birth...my fiance and i talked about someday adopting a child as i never wanted megh to feel like the odd duck out if he and i conceived a child together. well............here i am pg and it really is miraculous to me cuz he and i lately only make love about 1x a month and so this is amazing to me that i'm actually pg.

the mixed emotions of course are related to my dd...his family has been hinting for us to get pg w/ 'one of our own' kind of crap for a year now and it has pissed me off so much. makes me upset as if my dd is not enough for them to consider 'ours'. btw, my dd's 'father' is not in the picture...he's been out of the pic since she was 9 mos. old. great for me. probably for my dd too... then today, here i am having these wild emotions of grief, despair, worry, etc. at about 8 wx pg and my fiance's aunts were visitng his mom and the one asked my fiance if 'that' was 'his' daughter referring to megh...like my dd is stupid!?!? why do people say things like this!? i was sitting there and my fiance's sis, god i love her but she is very bipolar and doesn't help herself one bit w/ it so she is very dysfunctional and i know she didnt' mean bad by it but she quickly and loudly says 'no that one's not real' and i quickly said 'yes she is! she's the real thing baby...' and i just felt myself infuriated and even more protective of my megh.

i told my fiance on the ride home that that upset me greatly and i would like for HIM to talk to HIS sister about what she says to relatives/people about OUR daughter who is...THE REAL THING. he understood but then got more defensive as i went on and on, venting to him about my upset and my reasons...he said well ya gotta try to see it from our point of view...meaning his family's point of view...i said oh really no i don't. i said i need you to stand up for me, for us, and to make SURE they know you consider megh YOUR daughter since you say you do...and that she IS the real thing and any talk of not being REAL or from some other relatiionship of mine or whatever is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and as far as i'm concerned not to be mentioned. he said well what am i supposed to lie...i said well no but you don't need to offer it up to anyone.......my fiance goes to 12 step meetings and he shares a lot w/ others...a lot are his friends and i'm sure he shares loads w/ them too about my attitudes or whatever...it bugs me but what can ya do, that's how those meetings go. THEY get anonymity but do their significant others??? not really!!! i'm sure his buddies got the dish on my many attitudes or our arguments or his struggles w/ meghan. i'm an AP mama and he is not an AP knowledgeable guy....for the most part he can be....but then he gets so impatient w/ her. i could just scream.

ok...so where was i.......so now i'm having to process this reality of being pg w/ what his family obviously considers our 'real' baby and i'm having all sorts of thoughts and feelings about this pg compared to my pg w/ meghan...i feel bitter, trapped, invaded, pissed off, scared, protective and worried for megh...etc. i'm worried megh will be treated differently by tom's family especially compared to the new baby...and also by tom, my fiance. before this pg i was considering splitting on this relationship and now i feel even more trapped. tom has gone from masonry work to focusing on real estate investment yet hasn't made any deal yet and we are getting VERY low on money. we have an upcoming wedding and a midwife to pay for. i'm so upset. as an AP mama i do not want to work but part of me says i want to find something to make myself money and be w/ my dd megh while doing it...i've done childcare before but don't wish to do that...i've been a farm caretaker but don't want to do that while pg...i could clean houses...i feel so utterly trapped and annoyed and dependent. my mom wants me to put her as guardian of my dd on a will if something happens to me or i die and it is bothering me...i just want her to shut up about it. tom is supposed to be meghs daddy and her family now and she should stay w/ him right. ugh i'm so annoyed. can you tell. i really just need to vent and i hope you all understand and maybe someone out there can relate and have some insight or some suggestions. i think i need a counselor but tom won't allow me to go he'll say we can't afford it right now. we truly are VERY low on money and it is downright scary. usually we have thousands to cushion us and now we have very few and 2 mortgages to pay (ours and his parents...they are not productive people...).

how do i process what i'm feeling about this pg and how do i deal w/ these non-AP non-like us kind of family he has around here who think the way they do and say the things they do...i just don't know how to live a peaceful loving family life when there are these highly loud dysfunctional people i have to deal w/. toms' sisters boys are violence oriented and his sister assaulted their SIL 2 summers ago in front of megh...it was horrible. his mother is developmentally disabled or something...she is 'slow'...dependent and victim oriented. his dad is a total deadbeat. we are moving closer to them all and we have talked about moving further...maybe someday we will if i can't stand it once we move.............i'm so overwhelmed ladies. well fiance's home i better scadaddle for now.....i'll come back on later. tia for listening.

[mommajb]

:hug

I couldn't read and not post though I have no experience in this realm (other than in-laws that drive me crazy).

It sounds like you have recognized your feelings now you need your fiance to recognize them and stand behind you. I doubt you can control his family's actions and words.

I hope you find ways to work through all the emotions.

[sunshine's mama]

:hugs mama

I am sorry for all the negative's in your life right now...my family and dp's family is the same...

DD is almost 3 and we were told we coudn't have any more children without the help of treatments, drugs, $$$$ so it took me almost 2 years to be ok with her being my only child ( i do have a 7 yo step daughter but it's not the same)....then whamo....pregnant with child #2 and it's still has me in shock...just for the factor that more than 1 doctor said not gonna happen and the same as you....We barely do the deed 1x a month....guess it was meant to be....

I watch dp's family dote on his first (i have been in her life since she was 2) and it hurts esp when dd (our child together) doesn't get a second glance when we are with his family and he gets upset when I don't want to visit. She (sd) gets the birthday presents that arent from the dollar store, she gets the hugs and attention and dd gets shafted like she doesn't exist. They come to SD's birthday parties and stay until we shoo them out, a few come to DD's (well, the 2 that she's had..family only) and check their watches every 10 minutes (literally to the point last year i said aloud, "if there is somewhere else you would like to be, by all means, go..." to which they made excuses to which someone else replied back, "you keep checking your watches, that's why she said something..."...it's hurtful and sad and they will be the ones to miss out on this wonderful child....

Many hugs to you...It will get better....that's what I tell myself right now and it helps...

[Jenlaana]

I know what you're going through and I wish I could say that my situation had a good outcome. My inlaws treat my son like a leper (my DH's step son), just barking at him whenever he puts a toe out of line when we visit, talking about how 'bad' he is and just generally not warming up to him, not once, not at all since my DH and I got together 5 years ago.

Fast forward to 2 years ago and we had a daughter. They send her presents for her birthday and christmas, they ask how she's doing when they call (they live far away thank goodness) but they completely ignore my DS's existence except when he is doing something 'bad'.

Except his brother, who really was great to my son when we were visiting. He even let him ride with him when we were going around town etc. He bought him a sweatshirt that he cherishes since we got back.

But then, I think my DH's family sucks anyways, so them not treating my DS right is just one more thing in a long list.

YOU need to love all your kids alike, and your DH does, but you cant control your inlaws unfortunately. :(

[OTMomma]

:hugs Take a deep breath. You and your children are going to be OK. Really. I have some toxic inlaws- after years of trying to make it work, I simply avoid them now, and shelter my child from that situation (though mine is different from yours). I gave up expecting them to be something they are not, and I have worked to make sure dd doesn't expect things that aren't going to happen- like I never say in front of her how I think things should be.

Next- try to give up the guilt of having this baby as taking something away from your dd. Your dd is going to get the joy of being a big sister, of having a sweet little sibling to love and play with. She's not going to care about the biology of it, as long as you and your dp never make an issue of it.

If you need something for the wellbeing of you and your child- like health care- emotional or physical- then you need to do that. Call your insurance company and see what they will pay for, you might be suprised. If that doesn't work out, look for local resources through a church or other group if you need to. If you can't find a resource, explain to your dp that you think its great he can go to his meetings for free, and you'd do free support if if itwas available, but you need some help. Surely he'll be able to understand.

I wish you a blessed nine months! Congratulations!

[Cujobunny]

:hug I think these feelings you are having are totally normal. I posted a while ago about having mixed emotions too, except we were totally trying to get pregnant. Yet I still felt I was taking something away from ds.

As time has gone on with this pregnancy (I'm 23 wks now) I have realized how much I will be giving to him. He strokes and hugs and kisses my belly and talks about the baby, how soft it is, and small.

I am not an only child and I"m glad I"m not. I'm the oldest of 4. My youngest 2 brothers are not from the same father and I never considered them any less of family. I was excited and happy to be having more siblings to take care of and play with.

My only advice would be to limit your exposure to your toxic relatives. They don't do you or your family any good. Your daughter will be better off without their influence.

[meghandmama]

u mamas are the best ya know taht...you understand...omg sorry but there is this porn on the left hand side of this page...what the HECK is THAT! they are like personal ads but raunchy ones...that is WEIRD. i'll have to figure THAT out and quick...something slipping into the mothering forum pages...strange. never seen porn slip in like that before, have you???

thing that is SO HARD is that FI loves his family, despite their extreme dysfunctional lives...we just got a house on some land and we actually decided to move 3 miles from his parents...sigh...my bad. we ALMOST got a house in the total opposite direction about 45 mins away which i kind of wish had not fallen thru...FI worries so much over his 69 yo mother who has all sorts of health issues...and he loves his sister very much despite her impulsive rageful and innapropriate behavior and comments at times...she lives only 10 minutes away. we get invited over for dinner, etc. which i must admit i like a lot, because it gives me a sense of extended family where my mom i left behind in oregon cuz of her alcoholism...didn't want my dd to grow up not knowing what my mom would do next to herself. now here i am having to deal w/ these crazy in-laws who live so close by and stop by and invite us over often. my FI stopped by his sisters yesterday so i'm hoping he talked w/ her...i figured i wouldn't ask cuz its his job to take care of it. i just hope she didn't ask him if i put him up to talking to her about her comments about my dd not being 'real' and that he admitted to it cuz frankly, i feel it should concern his heart as well. i don't care if she didn't mean anything bad by her comment...it was downright wrong in my eyes. you are right though, i can't control what comes out of this woman's mouth unfortunately. sidenote: my dd is outside eating a chunk of freshly fallen snow (snow! can you believe this...our poor planet/universe is really letting us know lately she is not happy) and looks so precious.

ohhhh now she is feeding it to our newfoundland.....god they are just beautiful!!!

i just love talking with you mamas here. i feel right at home. thank you for being here...i have taken all your advice and support to heart and its good to know i'm not alone.

seems this pg i'm showing a LOT sooner...maybe cuz i have a little more fat on my tummy but i have heard that the 2nd pg often shows faster than the first. interesting stuff. which means for my june 2nd wedding i'll probably be showing a lot. beautiful stuff.

[meghandmama]

what is with my mother??? mamas i need advice. my mom seems to be hell bent and focused on this will she wants me to have notarized and for her to have a copy regarding guardianship of my dd, who is 4. i have already told her this is too much for me to think about right now as i'm mama now to TWO babies and i need a week to ponder this and talk it over w/ my FI. i think my mom truly downs the significance of men/dad's and i must admit i tend to sometimes too due to this upbringing, but i want to break this cycle and i want to put my mom in her place... i know she loves my dd but it almost feels to me right now that she wants my dd for her own. its weird. my mom was like this w/ my ex and his dd who was at the time 3...my mom would act like she called the shots and would totally ignore and negate/invalidate what i said in re. to sd...it drove me batty. my mom seems to have some serious issues in regards to young girls under the age of 5...she and i were very close til then and then if you ask me it got phoney and distant after that...in the name of best friends and closeness was really distance and non-intimacy. i mainly conversed w/ my mom over voicemails and the phone and in letters or cards...and i lived w/ this woman. to this day, our best communicating is over emails or voicemails. she is very avoidant and inconsistent w/ her decisions. probably due a lot to her upbringing...she was brought up catholic and also lost her own mother at age 5 or 6ish...her little sis was only 2. so i understand the protectiveness of young girls she loves and her immature reaction to life... but her pressure in regards to my making a will is annoying and concerning me. my mom is an alcoholic and she is in denial of it. she apparently is sober 2 mos. but still, not stable enough to me. let me see a couple of years and going to therapy plus 12 step meetings faithfully and wholeheartedly for me to feel comfortable w/ you as a sane person capable of raising my dd if you so ever should...ya know!? despite my grievances w/ my FI he IS a wonderful loving for the most part man and i love him, as does my dd. he wouldn't want to lose megh if i died, he said. i made him promise not to ever marry a woman who is meanhearted if i die...to marry someone who'd love and care for megh and our expected baby...i wouldn't want megh separated from her sibling nor her 'daddy', my FI. so what do u think of this will thing and my mom? i think part is a rational concern, but mostly i think its overkill and just plain weird. thank god she's in oregon and i'm in minnesota. my choice. sometimes i wish she were here but the way she tries to 'own' my dd is weird. it goes beyond normal grandma ways...i feel it in a 6th sense ya know...its just weird. input anyone?