1st anniversary of twin's death

[kykarraliv]

Tomorrow is the 1st aniversary of our baby's death. I was pregnant with twins and durring my pregnany Hannah's little heart just stopped beating. We have a wonderful day planned. We are lighting a white candle to burn all day in remembrance of her short life, we are releasing a pink balloon with messages from our family on it to Hannah, we are also putting together a time capsule and writing in a journal positive things we know about other members of our family. We will finish with cake and a movie. The thing is I am just so.......getting upset.....Sometimes I feel like crying, sometimes I feel like screaming, sometimes I feel like everything is fine .....sometimes especially lately I feel frozen. I tend to do a lot and get nothing done..........That is mainly how I am feeling.....frozen. Like time is standing still and I am stuck. All I can think about is Hannah and how I miss her and how I want her here. Does it get easier after the anniversary has passed? Do anniversaries ever get easier? It just goes against the cosmos for a child to die....sigh. Thanks for listening. Just needed to vent.

[lisamarie]

I am sending you and your family healing thoughts and hugs right now. I am so sorry for your loss of your dear Hannah. Anniverseries are such an intense time. Sometimes, I have felt in my experience, the anticipation and the anxiety leading up to the day is so gut wrenching and difficult. It can consume you. After the day is gone~I still think about the person, but with not as much anxiety and trauma to my soul. I try to keep in my mind that "this is normal", but it is still hard living through it. This year, when the anniversery came around, I did know to prepare myself. But, it still hurt.

It sounds like you do have a beautiful day of remembrance planned for her, but it still HURTS so much! Please know that you are not alone. I am so glad that you can come here and express your grief and share the spirit of your little angel, Hannah.:angel

Hugs~

Lisa:love

[sunmountain]

{{{{{kykarraliv}}}}}
*edited to correct spelling

[lunarmomma]

I am so sorry for your loss.
Sending you lots of love and strength to make it through.
I have heard that the first anniversary is the hardest... not htat others won't be, but this is the first time you are experiencing this so it might get a tad easier.
Hugs to you... Don't judge yourself on any feelings or states you are in. You just need to get through the day.
Hang in there.

[Dr.Worm]

I am so very sorry. I really don't know what to say. If you ever just want to talk, you can pm me anytime. Please take care.

[Jacque Savageau]

What a hard time this must be for you. Filled with the joy of a new child and being reminded of the child you lost.

I can certainly understand your feelings. My first child was born still and the pain of loosing her is still mixed with the joy of raising my other two.

On her birthday, we create an alter and light a single candle in her memory. It burns morning till night as a reminder of the light she still is in our lives. We set out memories of her, I collect fairies and ballet slippers to remind me of her. I Get some wild flowers to sprinkle around and I put out the pictures of her.

My kids enjoy this ritual and they feel proud that they have a sister who is always with them.

I'm going to move this to Pregnancy and Birth Loss. I hope you don't mind. I just think you'll get a better response over there. Also, I'd like to invite you to read thorugh some of the threads over there. We have several with suggestions on remembering our babies lost that are very heart warming.

Your in my thoughts as you jouney though this greif.

[ediesmom]

I don't know that it ever gets easier, it hasn't for me yet. The pain is an intense one that makes me feel like no one could possibly understand.

A few weeks ago was my little ones 10th birth and death days. I found so much support right here. And connecting with other women in my life who have had similar losses, and remembering a bit with family members.

I am sorry for your loss.

Randee

[kykarraliv]

Thank-you everyone for your beautiful responses. Sometimes it is hard to find people who understand. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish there was no need for a baord like this, but, I am greatful it is here. The 23rd was a wonderful day. I spent it with my family. We released 7 pink balloons up in the snow covered mountains. One from each family member with a personal message on it to Hannah. A passerbyer took a family photo for us. Each family member also wrote in journal something positive about everyone else. We put together a time capsule full of things from past year, including the twins' sonogram, Olympic stuff ( I live in UT), stuff from 9-11-01 and our most personal hopes and dreams written down and predictions on what our lives would be in 10 yrs. We lit a white candle in rembrance of Hannah. We sang "Families can be together forever" before we cut a cake that said,"In loving memory of Hannah Noel, February 23, 2001" When I picked up the cake the lady in the bakery asked if we had lost a baby and then told me about her nephew that was born still. She was really sweet. Then we went to the movie Black Night. Afterwards my dh and I went alone with just the baby to see the last night of the Olympics. We saw the athletes village, the cultural village, the huge Olympic rings and a lot of partying. It was a lot of fun. It was a really great day. We took lots of pictures and made lots of family memories. I crashed a bit the next day. It was my day for sorrow and grieving. I am doing much better now. It really helped me to plan out our Angel day and actually do the things I planned. It was very healthy and healing. My family was wonderful. Thanks again for your kind words and support.

:lady :lady :lady :lady :lady :lady :lady :jammin

[lisamarie]

Kim~

So good to hear from you! And yes~I agree....I wish there didn't have to be boards like this, but I am so thankful that there are! Your Angel Day touched my heart:love ~thank you for sharing what your family did remembering her.

Hugs~

Lisa

[Jacque Savageau]

Kim, Thank you for sharing your day with us.

We belong to a Pregnancy and Infant Loss group. They have a celebration on the first Saturday of October and we all gather at a beautiful Gazebo on a stream. During the celebration each child's name is called and their name is put on a tree (on a piece of paper). At the end of the cerimoney everyone releases a balloon with a message to their baby. At our first outing 8 yrs ago there was about 200. Now there's about 400! It's overwhelming how many people come each year. But, like this forum I'm so thankful that they're there.

Your an amazing woman Kim, and Hannah can feel your great love for her.