Hate breastfeeding.

[2much2luv]

I am so torn. I am 10 weeks along and nursing my 17 month old dd. Ok, I could handle nursing if it was a daytime thing, but dd is such a booby baby night and day. She nurses at least 3 times a night, usually more. I have read the No Cry Sleep Solution and tried some of the gentle techniques in there, but she continues to 'need' the boob to sleep. :( I am exhausted and at the end of my rope. Last night she just kept nursing and nursing and nursing...I was getting so angry and frustrated and grrrrr so dh took her in the other room for awhile. But she cries and cries without me. I am not trained to tune out her cries and I can't just ignore them. I don't know what to do though. What we have right now is not healthy. When she nurses so frequently I feel like raped...nothing sexual at all, just invaded, YK? I keep telling myself "this is my body, why am I letting her have it if I don't want her to." But it is so much easier sometimes. I try giving her to dh at night but she cries and we are all awake anyway so I think what is the point. So I nurse her and hate it and resent her and don't know what to do.
So, I won't feel this way about nursing a new baby, right? I had that fear suddenly last night, what if I am just sick of nursing and what if I hate when even the new baby nurses. :eek
What should i do about dd? Something has to be done. Nightweaning tips? Do I need to toughen up? In my mind when I think if over I am ok with her crying in her daddies arms. I don't really think that is CIO with a baby her age. But am I just trying to talk myself into doing something awful or is it really ok?
Thanks for listening to my long ramble. :D

[Chanley]

I went through this. it really affected my attitude with my dd. It happened during early preg and every time she latched on I wanted to hit something. It hurt so bad.

We nightweaned. But she is 2.5 so it was easy for me to explain that the "booies are tired and need to go to sleep." I would let her nurse till the count of 10. Then I would pull my shirt down and they would go to sleep. I would then rub her back or gently massage her legs while singing her a tune. She protested a few nights but I realized. I had to set my limits. I would not put her in a position where she was uncomfortable and hating our interaction on a continual basis so it was not fair to either of us if I let her put ME in that situation.

I was there for her. It was harder to get her to sleep at first. It took more time and energy. But now!! WOOO!!!Now we read two books, she kisses each breast good night (her idea not mine) and she rolls over and goes to sleep for the night. Her daddy has even been able to get her to sleep which is the goal for after this baby is born.

You might get more responses to this post on the nightwaking board. Just a thought.
Hope you find the solution, I KNOW where you are and hated it when I disliked my nursing relationship.

[LizD]

a friend of mine had similar feelings around 17months, and they weren't exacerbated by pregnancy! Remember, LLL says weaning should take place whenever mother and baby are ready. You have a more-than-equal say, and it's not really easier to nurse her if you're feeling this way. I'm sure you'll be fine with your new baby when your new milk comes in, but if you feel so awful, wean her and feel good about it. Have you begun reading to her at bedtime? My friend and I both read "Moonbear's Books" (a wonderful board book)and Grandfather Twilight over, and over, and over, to make our toddlers fall asleep without nursing in those desperate months.

End the nursing relationship gracefully now and enjoy all your happy memories of it. If you're disappointed because you planned to tandem nurse, there are advantages to weaning at this age, too. Lots of luck!

[lilyka]

Dr. Jay Gordan has a night weaning plan. It is kinda tough because it does involve your child crying for several nights (or more) but it works wonderfully. Oh, I should point out theyare crying in your arms while you confort them. anyway here is a link:

http://www.drjaygordon.com/ap/sleep.htm

You can set limits on nursing. Your child is old enough to get all of her nutritional needs met elsewhere. So you don't have to worry about depriving her of her only source of food. It is OK to set limits on nursing your toddler as it is OK to set limits on everything else. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing deal. When I was pregnant and nursing my 20 month old I reduced her to before nap and before bed. And then she only got 5-10 minutes each time. It wasn't a lot but it was all I could handle. She still got her nursies and she still pleased as punch to be getting them. when my milk dried up she quit nursing. I was more than ready. I was very worried that there wouldn't be anything left emotionally for the baby if I was stuck nursing Lily too. (never really liked the idea of tandem nursing - I get touched out really easily) Let me reassure you, It is totally different nursing a newborn from a toddler. Your body and spirit are so much more willing. I don't know. it just sorta defies words. when you have this sweet little newborn you would cut off your fingers while smiling if you thought that was the very best thing for them. yk? It was beautiful to just to sit and nurse even though 4 months earlier nursing was similar to nails being scratched down a chalkboard. Just comepletely different.

[Miss Kitty]

I have a question. Have you started her with a sippy cup yet? Although ds nursed until 14 months, he was using a sippy cup for juice starting at about 1 year old. He was handling it really well by the time we weaned. It became his night time ritual so have a cup of milk before brushing teeth and bed time.
I would suggest explaining to you child that she is going to get her cup before bed, brush teeth, read book then good night. It will probably involve some crying, some whining, but once she knows you aren't giving in, the routine will be set.
Good luck. I hope you feel better real soon!

[Kirsten]

Originally posted by 2much2luv
I nurse her and hate it and resent her
I think you have gotten some great advice so far. I agree that both of you have to want to continue for continuing to be a good choice. You obviously are not in a place where continuing to nurse your 17 month old will work. Resenting her and hating breastfeeding is not worth her getting breastmilk at this age. She is old enough to have other choices now. You are pregnant. You can think of yourself too. And being in a poor mindset is not healthy for you, your pregnancy, or your relationship with your 17 month old.

I am the biggest proponent of breastfeeding you will find. I wish everyone would nurse to a year - but that is about where my personal comfort level ends. I nursed dd1 to 16 months (planned 12 but didn't end up that way), dd2 to 12 months. Dd3 is a newborn so we'll see how far we get - planning 12 months again.

I found 12-16 months to be an easy time to wean - they are big enough to drink from a cup and get all their nutrition from cups and table food (and baby food if you want) but young enough to be fairly easily distracted. I looked at it as they would only get more determined and less distractable as they get older so when I knew it was time (for me), I just bit the bullet and put up with the difficulty of weaning. We did not have to CIO - you can gently tell her no more nursing, offer her a cup, rock her, sing to her, read to her, take her outside, show her a toy, call gramma to let child talk on the phone, whatever you want to distract her. Once you are firm in your own mind that this is what you want to do, you just do it. Nursing only works when both of you want to be doing it. Don't let your feelings about extended nursing get in the way of your relationship with your child.

I would not worry about nursing the new baby. I agree that that is a totally different thing. I never nursed while pregnant (my kids are spaced further apart) but I have heard that it is often very uncomfortable both physically and emotionally for some women. It is not just you and it is not wrong for you to need your body back. You have given her a great gift by nursing for 17 months. It is ok to stop now! You will find other ways to soothe her. Your dh will find ways to soothe her. The hard part will only last a few days (at least it only lasted a few days for us with dd1 - dd2 was easy to wean and we really didn't have any issues). You can also cut out night nursing first as a transition to full weaning - that may be easier but you know your child. I just would try not to go backwards once you start. If you decide not to nurse at night, don't. You can hug her and rock her and sing to her - she will be ok. So will you!

Good luck!
Kirsten

[2much2luv]

Thank you for all the great replys. It is great to be heard for one thing. :D
I am ready for something drastic but not at all ready to completely wean. I am ready to completely night wean. I haven't checked out Dr gordon's site but I will do that when i finish this reply.
The thing I think I have face is that it is going to take several nights and dh and I are going to have to lose some sleep over it. When you are on your first night of nightweaning it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. YK? But I know in a few nights we will all be better rested and love each other more. Maybe I can get a plan set up so that I can see the end.
Ok, anyway, thanks again for the advice and mostly for listening. :love I will let you know how it turns out in a week or so. (I hope it doesn't take longer than that.)
Beth

[Leddie]

I can totally understand the position you're in. I just went through this with my 20month old. Nursing at night was driving me BATTY (well, nursing in general...urgh). We did the Dr. Jay Gordon method and there was about 45mins of crying the first night and about 5 the second night. Just because we eventually got down to nursing right before bed and at about 4am and 6am didn't mean my dd cut down on her night wakings. She still woke up each time she used to nurse!! Not crying, just asking for a sippy cup. This continued for about 2 months. About two nights ago, in an attempt to cut out the 4am nursing, I told dd that the 'nursies' would go to sleep after it was dark and wouldn't wake back up again until it was light outside. It worked AMAZINGLY well - except, that since it's summer, it's now becoming light at 4:45am!!! ARGH. Anyway, I don't know if that would work for you - but it might be worth a shot.

Best of luck to you - we're hoping to cut down to once or twice a day in the next few weeks as I had preterm labor with dd and am paranoid of having it happen again!

[Mom4tot]

Hi Beth, don't feel bad, I believe your body is just telling you that you need to rest. And it is also natural to begin concentrating on the new baby to come. Remember during pregnancy, we naturally turn inward. Your toddler may sense that and is "latching on " even more...slight pun intended :) . I also used the "we have to wait for the sun to come up" idea and it has worked very well. My ds was around 20 mos. or so when we started that. And also, you won't feel this way about nursing your new baby, they are so little and hungry! I know it was wonderful when my son was born...I had forgotten what it was like to nurse a newborn. Best of luck to you.

[elfinbaby]

I didn't go through this while I was pregnant but I did go through it with ds at the same age. He'd practically have to have it in his mouth all night or he'd wake up. I was very resentful and I remember days when my body ached because I couldn't sleep comfortably. I never found anything that worked for night weaning so I stuck it out. I just couldn't listen to the crying and dh was impatient since he was coming home from work at 2 a.m. and staying up all night with a screaming baby.

I do agree that it's time to end or make some changes when the relationship isn't working for both of you. I also agree that you will likely fell very different when your newborn arrives. Plus, every child's nursing habits are different. DS would have preferred me to go topless for 2 yrs. so he could have full access. DD has never been particularly fond of the breast although she was exclusively bf for 9-12 mos and is still nursing (I'm also 20 wks. along). She has always been able to go to sleep with dad or on her own when she's really tired. I think it's the luck of the draw.

Good luck. I hope all goes well. It's a tough time and a tough age for toddlers. I've heard so many moms say their toddler really started getting after it during those months.

[Eman'smom]

Do you co-sleep, we don't and what we did was when ds woke up in the middle of the night, dh would go to him, and rock, swing, hold, sing, whatever he could do, there were a couple, like 3 rough nights, but ds soon got the hang of it. He did cry a bit, but he was never alone, I still nursed before bed.

I agree you need to take care of you, nursing only works if you both are enjoying it. I found when ds was still nursing (he weaned last month) what worked well was tell him at the start that he could only have one side, or when I got tired of the session, I'd say ok mommies done, I think 17 months is old enough to understand that.

Good luck.
Go slow, and be firm, for me night weaning was were we started I couldn't handle being up anymore, and I wasn't pregnant then.

[2much2luv]

Thanks everyone. I am glad to hear it gets better.
Something will change soon here. I didn't attempt anything last night but I am going to start the nightweaning process tonight I think.
One major thing that dh helped me realize is that she STILL does not eat alot. She has her moments but generally she'd rather wait for milkies. The other night when dh took over for awhile she ate a pear and a bunch of crackers and stuff.. Duh, she's hungry. But I can't force her to eat. I always, with both my girls, offer lots of food before bed. But she is so picky and usually she just won't eat. So, though it is cruel, I think I am going to have to let her get hungry and then she will eat YK? Like she skips the food because she knows she will get to nurse all night. So I am going to have to refuse to let her nurse all night and then perhaps the next night (or the next or the next) she will know to eat before bed. We will offer her food and water if she wakes at night but I think I am just gonna have to be mean and say no milkies even if you are hungry.
Well, I know I must have good milk. lol We'll all sit down to eat. She'll taste everything on her plate, spit it out and ask for milkies. Apparently they taste better than anything. :D
Ok, thanks again.
Beth

[twinkletoes]

hello! i am also pregnant with a 17 month old nursomaniac! i noticed that my milk decreased a LOT once i got pregnant, especially around 10-12 weeks, and that relentless sucking on empty teats is enough to drive anyone batty!! egads! we struggled and i was exhausted but i didn't feel like he was ready to be weaned, so..

turns out he was (tada!) HUNGRY, just like your baby, and he also didn't think much of solid food, so he just kept nursing more and more. we began a feeding campaign, especially before bedtime - and mainly led by his daddy (so the lure of my breasts could not distract him!). and over the past month or so he's started eating much more, and even for me. last night i fed him baked beans, then yogurt and fruit before bed. he comfort nursed to sleep and had some supplementary sips from my water cup, then slept all night (!!!!!!!!!!!!) oh, except for one tiny comfort nurse (he sleeps with us). and i keep food by the bed (manna bread/ bananas) to give him the minute he wakes up. it's working out.

one thing that he'll always drink are smoothies - i'll put in yogurt, fruit, flax or hemp oils, powdered greens, veggy juices, a bit of protein powder, whatever , he loves them.

mind you, he still nurses all the time, it's just no longer desperate and endless. more like topups and comfort nurses, which i find completely tolerable and sometimes even relaxing!

good luck!

[LizD]

with my daughter, I found homemade oatmeal had that stick-to-the-ribs quality that helped nightwaking/toddler hunger.

[bec]

Originally posted by Chanley
You might get more responses to this post on the nightwaking board. Just a thought.



I went through the same thing a couple of months ago with dd! I was exhausted, in pain and needing her to just not be attached to me all the time. It was getting so she was up 3-5 times a night! (She was just 2 at the time). I read the Pantley book and it didn't work either. I posted my desperation to the nightwaking board and did not get much response, and none of it sympathetic. If you do post there, I hope you get a better response than I did.

I did finally night wean dd. I thought it would be very awful for her, but I just laid down with her, held her, rubbed her back, and just let her know I was there for her, but we weren't going to be able to nurse. I was fearing hours of horrible crying, but she really only gave a couple of whimpers (less than 30 seconds worth) and fell asleep. The worst night she cried for about 3 minutes before settling back down. I was very surprised. I tried to give her a very filling snack or dinner right before bed. I also leave a sippy of water near her pillow, so she can still drink if she's thirsty in the night. Finally, I've started talking to her every night before bed. I tell her I want her to sleep all night long until it's light out. I also tell her to put her head on the pillow and close her eyes if she does wake up. And I also tell her that I'm a happier Mama if I get a good nights sleep and I know she's a happier dd if she gets a good nights sleep. I think this is finally starting to sink in. She is making an effort to sleep all night long and to put herself back to sleep.

That's the good news. The bad news is that she is still night-waking. She has had a couple of nights here and there that she's slept 8+ hours, but not very many. And I will say she does wake up less (usually 1-2 times a night). But she is still up. And it is true, it is easier to put her to sleep, and less taxing on me, because I don't have to nurse her anymore at night. I have found a much more difficult time in trying to get her to sleep without my laying down with her than with the night-weaning. DH is starting to take over the night time routine. I'm hoping that will help. Or at least it won't be my problem anymore. I can cope with 1 child in the night all right. Two is right out. And with the next one coming in December, I don't want dd to associate the sudden nighttime disappearance of Mama with the new baby, so we're getting her used to it now.

I hope this helps, and I really hope you get the rest you need! Good luck!



Bec

[Britishmum]

I've been there, a year ago!

Firstly, don't worry that it will affect your feeligns about nursing your new baby - it won't. But do be prepared that the feelings about nursing your toddler might be there still - for me, they were strong and it took some teeth-gritting to get through it. I think it's your body's way of adjusting for the new baby.

We did nightwean, which helped enormously. Dd was 18 months at the time. It was hard, but well worth it - I told her nursing had gone night night, and if she woke just rubbed her back, cuddled her, and stood firm about not nursing until morning (the early hours, then pushed it back a bit over the course of a few weeks until it was 6am)

I also then got up once she'd had her morning nurse and left her on the bed, that way when she woke I wasnt available for another nurse. Changed routine during the day - eg let her nap in the car for a while, so that when she woke we just got out the car, and weren't in a position to nurse. I had to get creative to avoid the nursing cues too often.

It is tough, and it takes commitment and determination. You are doing a wonderful thing. We've tandem nursed now for almost a year, and Dd is now almost weaned - actually I think she might actually be weaned as she hasn't nursed for over a week - and I still have very mixed feelings.
:crying :love :crying :love :crying :love

Good luck, I'm sure you'll get lots of support and help here. :hippie

[Imonion2]

I nightweaned my son when he was about...15 months old. I simply held him at night when he would cry, and after about 3 nights, he no longer asked to nurse at night. It really was hard the first night, but they are smart and realize soon how things have changed.

Good luck,I know how frustrating it is to have a little one who just loves to nurse at night!