disciplining my almost 4 yr old son

[pattigirlny]

hi and thanks for any advice. has any one read "how to talk so kids will listen" book? are there any other 'good' books out there regarding getting your child to listen and obey? my hub and i need help with this. i havnt read any of the books yet but im going to the library tomorrow. my son is very stubborn and i find that i am constantly bribing or threatening him to get him to obey my commands. we also tend to have to repeat ourselves 3 or 4 times before he will do what was asked of him. it could be something like...ok,lets get dressed now so that we can go...and he'll just continue jumping on the bed until i'm so angry, i threaten him or have to literally begin to leave the house...and then he'll follow! another example is when we have to leave a playground..of course he doesnt want to go, i dont blame him...but he'll fight to walk back to the car or even worse get buckled up in the car seat..we try to do alot of fun things with him but they usually end so bitterly...takes all the fun out of it! we are at wits end! my hubs threatens to spank...i usually take a toy away...but theres got to be a better way... any advice? thanks

[peggy]

I really like the "How to Talk so Kids will Listen" book. They were very helpful. I also liked the Dr. Sears Dicipline book.
Ooops! Thought I'd have time to write more...Baby's crying! Good luck!
peggy

[Elizabeth]

My favorites are:

"Kids Are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso, "Positive Discipline"
by Jane Nelsen and "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles" Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

[Missgrl]

I've got the "how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" book.....I've only read bits and pieces of it. It came HIGHLY recommended from my pediatricial....and he's wonderful!

[Alohamama]

My dd and I also have problems with transitions - every time we come home (from anywhere), and turn down our street, she starts crying and saying "I don't want to go home!"

The "how to talk so kids will listen" book is great, but the best help I got was from an article in "Mothering" from Sep/Oct 2000 called "Let's Take a Bath in the Magical Forest: Moving Through the Day with Play" and it's all about transitions and getting your kids to cooperate.

BTW, yesterday I finally decided NOT to get angry when dd dawdles around and ignores me when I say it's time to go. As she ran off in her underpants yet again I let out a big sigh, and she said "aren't you going to get angry?" and I said "no, I've decided that isn't much fun for either of us. But I am going to leave when I get ready." She said, "but I want you to get angry!" When I asked why, she said "because you sound so different." That really shocked me and made me realize that she was deliberately provoking me to see what kind of reaction she could get. From now on I'm going to try humor instead of anger (although that will require tremendous self-control!) to get her to cooperate.

[ambdkf]

I wanted to second the recommendation of Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. From your post, I think you would get a lot out of this book. I also like the "How to Talk..." books. I think it just involves a paradigm shift. I obviously don't know anything about you or your family but just seeing the words "obey my commands" makes me think you might want to try a different approach. I hope that doesn't upset you. I've just learned you can never control another human being be them your child, your husband or your friend. Good luck. I'd love to know what you think about the books.

Anna

[Pussycat]

Hi- I have an almost 4 yo dd, and we are having the exact same struggles as you pattigirlny!! I'm glad we're not the only ones!! I have read "How to talk..." and loved it, but I'm not sure how to apply it to this age, maybe I need to read it again. I've also read "You Can't Make Me... but I can be persuaded" by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. It is about strong willed children, and has some good ideas in it. There is also "How to Make Children Mind Without Losing Your Own" by Kevin Lehman (of Birth Order fame) which I liked and it is pretty funny (if I remember correctly, its been a while since I read it).
Alohamama- I love the big sigh story- I will have to try that one!

[mountain]

Read so many books and am none the smarter for it. Here's an idea--to reason that you will have time to do a positive thing (e.g. shop for treats, go to playground) if he complies. It works with my boy 4 1/2...seems like from 3-4 they just like to scream a lot. This too shall pass--keep your smile

[saganaga]

A lot of the things you described sound like my almost 4 yo DS...not listening, not obeying, difficult in transitions, high energy & I'm thinking maybe you have a spirited child like mine? Do you think your child is spirited?

Spirited children have difficult temperments & that can make for a whole different parenting ball game. What works for average childre doesn't work for children with difficult temperments.

Some books that are helping me:
The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki, he's got some great discipline ideas
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka
The Fussy Baby Book (from birth to 5 years) by Dr. Sears
I also heard Living With the Active Alert Child by Linda Budd is good
Hope this helps