need advice re: alcoholic mother

[MahBearRI]

Okay - I can't get on the "Surviving Abuse" forum - so I am going to post here because I need support and advice from you mommas. If this needs to be changed to a better place to post - please direct me!

I grew up with my mother who is a very unstable alcoholic. We were abused physically, emotionally and mentally throughout our entire childhoods. When I was 17 I moved out and in with a friend's family to finish school - and distanced myself from her - letting her know that though I love her I would not let her abuse me or herself any longer.
Since then I've tried to have a relationship with her several times - and everytime found that her drinking problem had not improved - and it was directly linked to her continuing to verbally abuse myself, her husband, my DH, and my siblings.

This past spring my DH and I decided to move back to New England to be near our family while waiting for DS to arrive. On our way to VT (where we intended to call home - and had a rental house waiting for us) we stopped in to visit my mom. She has several properties and had cleaned and prepared one on her property that she lives on for us and the babe. ANd she begged us to stay...DH found 2 great jobs and we decided this would be a great opportunity to try to get our feet back on the ground.

A couple months ago - I was exactly 7 mo. pg - my drunken mother came to my apartment and started telling me that my DH is "a faggot." He is a loser and she doesn't want him around her house. She thinks he is a thief, and has been in contact with his ex - and is working with her to get DH to pay MORE for child support (he already pays 600/mo)...And the starts on me about how I'm not contributing enough - and she's been asking me to get up on a ladder and wash the windows on the outside of her house for weeks (she had asked me to - and I told her I couldn't - it's too risky for me & I was having some belly pains when my arms were overhead - but I was weeding the gardens, weed whacking, sweeping the walkways and porches, cleaning the pool and her jacuzzi daily, walking her dog and grooming her, as well as other random things I thought up.) And tells me how I'll never be able to feed my baby with "tits as smal as those" and laughed hysterically, and told me how my child would grow up disfunctional and would be missing so much in life because his parents are myself and DH.
At this point I can't listen anymore - and I refuse to let her see her affects on me - so I tell her (as I have many times before) that she has been drinking and I choose not to be engaged in any discussion while she is under the influence of any substance. I shut the door, and she starts screaming like a lunatic through the door - hurling all the insults she can muster.

That night my step-dad gets home - and she bursts into tears telling him that I called her nasty things - and that my DH refuses to mow the lawn and told her to get off her fat ass and to do it herself! He (my stepfather) comes down at 7am the next morning to tell us that he doesn't want us on the property anymore - and he doens't care where we go - as long as he doesn't have to hear his wife complain about us anymore.
(I know every story has 2 sides, but I promise I am a respectful woman, and my DH is a sensitive, hard-working respectful man...we really never would dream of doing the things we were accused of)

So, we were 7 months pg, and homeless.
But, we love eachother, and have 300$, and our truck, and our dogs and enough dog food to last us a month. So, we figure we muyst be grateful and move forward with faith in all good things happening in all good time.

Anyhow, we are now living in my father's garage - and expecting DS to join us any day now. We hope to be on our feet again and able to have a new place to call home before it gets too cold.

My new issue - how do I handle my mother?
She wants so bad to be a part of her 1st grandchild's life - but I don't know how to do so. She is bad energy, and full of resent and hatred. But, she is still my mother - and I want her to heal from whatever it is that makes her this way.
I've not talked to her or responded to any of her emails since we left.
Do I contact her when DS is born?
Do I invite her to come visit him?
Do I bring him to visit her?
She is quite wealthy. She wrote me an email today that says that she's bought another property - and she wants to give it to me - let me lease to own it. It is on the same island that she lives on. This is just bait to get me in another situation where I am helpless, and dependant upon her...or at least that is how I feel. But, I am living in a garage, for crying out loud. I want my son to have the best possible experiences and opportunities....

Agh....this is quite long - and I appologize for that. I don't know where else to go for advice. My father, though well intentioned, always advises me not to have any relationship with her at all...I've cut her out of my life so many times in the past - and then forgive her after a year or 2 and try again for something better...I am lost within this. I want to be strong and show my son true love and respect for all other forms of life....
Any advice at all - or just positive affirmations and thoughts will all be welcomed gratefully....
Thankyou

[Grace24]

OH my goodness. :Hug to you. This is so hard.

I have been in a very similar situation with my father. He used to pay my rent in college but as I myself got sober, I started remembering some things, and waking up to how much he was really still hurting and manipulating me, and had to cut him out of my life. I went back on it once and called him, and we were in contact for about a year. I realized (long story short, again) it was a mistake and told him to leave me alone.

I'm going to tell you what happened the day I said "no more"... I was living in NY, finally had graduated with my masters, and had told him he was no longer going to have to pay for my rent, starting in September (this was 1996). My roommate and I were set to move out of our place and had found something we thought we could afford. We found out at the last minute they wanted first, last, AND deposit! I would have to call my dad! The phone rang (ok maybe not that day but it was soon after) and I was offered a job with a show (I'm a musician) starting SEPTEMBER 1st and they'd put me up in a hotel, feed me, and pay me a weekly salary.

I never looked back, and haven't needed a dime from my father since. I have gone on to find emotional healing and recovery from the damage he has done and I have zero... and I mean ZERO regrets about cutting him out of my life. I will do anything to protect my children from ever having to experience a minute around that man... I have a chance to give them a better life! I choose a decent man to marry, they're going to know what a REAL dad is like. It makes me so happy my eyes fill with tears.

Ok, you're living in a garage... but are you being abused today? NO. You must have some faith dear. Remember my story and know that when you do what's right to protect yourself AND your children from abuse (and make no mistake, your mother is an abuser) it will fall into place. Stay in the garage til something better with NO STRINGS ATTACHED comes along.

I am sooo sorry your mother is like this. No-one knows better than I, the pain of losing a parent who is still alive. But the choice is to be re-abused, to have my kids experience what I experience (because trust me he hasn't changed, hasn't gotten help) and it's not an option. I'm happy today. Happy, and FREE.

Alcoholism is a tough one... I know you can see she is sick, but the thing is, unless she is taking steps to get better you can NOT be around this woman! And I say that as someone who does have compassion for alcoholics (I am one...been sober for years)... WHEN they're getting help.

Your mother has proven again and again that she does not deserve you or your family. Too bad, she wants to be in your grandchild's life. She doesn't know how to behave. Period, end of story.

Good luck to you...your story brings tears to my eyes because I know personally how much it hurts. But the thing is, the more we can let go of the people who are hurting us, the more room there is for good people, and for abundance to come in. The tough part is closing the door behind you... you may need to spend a little time in the hallway (or garage?) before the next door opens.

Have some faith in the universe and protect yourself from abuse! :Hug, and once again I'm soooo sorry for the pain this is causing you. I hope this helps.

[MahBearRI]

Thank you so much. I just need someone to tell me I'm not an awful for cutting her out of our lives.

I need to remember how blessed I am.

So, do I give her an explanation? I want to tell her that until she seeks help and rehabiliatation - I will never allow her in mine our my families lives. And that I do love her! I just can't love her actions.

Or do I just leave it that I was done the moment she ordered her husband to get us out?

I feel awful writing this on the internet - she'd never forgive me if she found out. Do tell if there is a way to edit posts....

[Sabo]

It is so hard. You have spent your life being abused by your mother and fortunately have not filled your life with other abusers in response to that history. You want to do the best for your child and obviously want him to have a stable household. However, we all know that even extremely financially needy children can be happy in a loving home, but all the money in the world will not buy happiness.

It sounds as though your mother knows your weaknesses, that you are worried about finances and she steps in with the money, the answer to your problems . . . but it comes with a price.You have to live in fear of the days when she arrives to verbally abuse you, your dh, and someday possibly your dc. Even if she is a peach to your child, he will probably still hear your mother abusing you and dh. I grew up in a home where I was not verbally abused, but my mother was. I still sometimes struggle with the fear that the people I love don't value me and are trying to control me.

Of course, you love your mother and don't want to deprive your child of a grandmother, however it seems wise to keep a safe distance. Good luck with the house-hunting and your family.

[Upside]

Though my mother is not abusive like yours, she is an alcoholic. The problem with alcoholic families is their tendency to be enmeshed in completely unhealthy ways. Like your mom trying to buy control of you with offers of a place to live. IMO, the best thing you can do for your son is NOT expose him to the type of humiliation and degradation you wrote about.

I do take my daughter to see my mom, but she isn't abusive and doesn't get drunk when we visit. We stay for lunch, a few hours, DD is never unsupervised with her and then we leave. Since I've accepted that it's not my responsibility to fix my mother or convince her to quit drinking, I've been able to find some peace in my relationship with her. But I just don't know how you can find that when your mother is so incredibly abusive. Your story made me so sad and I believe you 100%. You didn't say, but if your step father is an alcoholic too, it will be even harder to break through to your mother if you wanted to. I just couldn't take that burden on myself.

Good luck in what you decide to do.

[Grace24]

So, do I give her an explanation? I want to tell her that until she seeks help and rehabiliatation - I will never allow her in mine our my families lives. And that I do love her! I just can't love her actions.

That sounds perfect.

Then you can write a letter saying everything you want to say, and throw it out. :lol

You're not awful. You sound amazingly grounded considering what you grew up with.

I agree with the PP...money is her way of controlling you. My dad did the same thing. When we were starting to fight but he was still paying my rent, he would "forget" he had to send the money unless I called him, knowing full well I'd be homeless without, but it was his only way of engaging me in his sick little game. The only way to be free of that kind of sickness is to cut the ties. I think what you said above is a perfect thing to say to her. It's compassionate, and firm.

[turtlewomyn]

:hug

My mother is also an alcoholic, and I suffered verbal and physical abuse because of it. She is sober now, but I always worry about a relapse, and it has taken a lot for me to feel comfortable leaving DD alone with her.
If you do choose to allow this woman into your sons life, I strongly suggest that you never ever leave him with her unattended, and certainly don't allow him to spend any time with her when drinking, attended or not. (you probably already know this).

I strongly suggest that you don't take her up on the offer for a place to stay either. I hope you find a better option soon.

Take care of yourself.

[Ruthla]

Go ahead and cut your mom out of your lives. If she ever recovers, you can consider letting her back in- but certainly not before that.

Don't invite her over after DS is born, don't go visit her- I'd suggest not even sending a birth announcement or initiating any form of contact. She doesn't need any explanations. I would just halt all contact and not even bother contacting her to tell her you're cutting off contact.

[pixiepunk]

i agree with Ruthla. IMO, contacting her to tell her you're cutting her out of your life invites her to respond - potentially crying, begging, bribing... i think the best thing to do is just let it be done. i most certainly would not risk exposing my child/ren to that.

mostly i'm just so sorry you're having to deal with this. try to clear it from your mind as much as you can so you can approach birth strong. and find comfort and strength in knowing that your child will never suffer that kind of abuse :hug