Ex is bringing me down!!!

[MamaLuna]

Just had another nasty consversation with dd's bio dad, in which he once again made lots of threats and demands. He said that it is about time he "took more control of the situation". Any time I try harder at asserting myself with him, he ups the ante in nastiness and threats. Nothing unusual about that I guess. And they're usually empty threats, problem is, I never know what to expect from him and never know when he'll follow thru on one.
On this go round, he has been bad mouthing me to dd (ie--telling her "your mom doesn't want you to see me" and when dd suggests that daddy move closer to us, his response is "then your mom would just move away" ). I have tried so hard to not badmouth him to her and not put her in the middle. She is so confused. So, I recently sent him an email, an assertive one, but not nasty, saying that he needed to stop badmouthing me, etc. that it is hurting dd. His response was to pretty much ignore this issue and launch into a whole saga (same one every argument) about poor him and how he never gets to see his daughter, etc, etc....Anyways, I'm getting off track. The point is, I'm concerned the badmouthing will worsen on this next visit (in 2 wks); and am tired of him bringing me down!! I am tired of feeling angry, and scared of what tricks he will come up w/ next, and worried about the effect he is having on dd and the effect all of this has on the whole family (including dh who is so sick of it all!!)....HELP????

[laralou]

Does he have legal visitation? If so, you can threaten to take him back to court to give him only supervised visitation if he doesn't cut it out. The courts hate it when a parent badmouths another. I would keep a journal of everything he says to you or your daughter just in case. Ugh! Why are men such creeps?

I am so glad that my ex is in San Fransisco (and I'm on the East Coast-- he is the one that moved) so that I have a good reason that he can't up his visits. Dh promised me that we will spend any amount of money if ex takes me back to court to get increased visitation.

[ediesmom]

MamaLuna,

The only thing that keeps ME sane around Edie visiting her father is my saying to myself"do I know this is true?' I can never really know what will happen over there, and I have no recourse at this time to keep her away from him.

I can sit around for days and think of the things that will happen during their visits, but I don't know that any of them will actually happen, so I try so freaking hard to just let it go, and save my strength for the stuff that actually happens. And when she is actually visiting, I try not to conjure up negative images. My boyfriend calls it 'making movies'. That's a pretty good description of it. I sit there and watch a whole horror flick in my mind, when, for all I know, she is out sledding and having a great time.

I hope this helps a bit. It is so necessary for us to save our strength for the real issues that actually arise.

randee

[MamaLuna]

Thank you Randee and Lara for the advice and encouragement. I just have to vent about it sometimes or I'll go crazy. KWIM? Funny thing, Lara, is that he moved 2 states away and a 10 hour drive (w/o baby) and constantly complains about not getting to see her enough. And, he blames me for him moving to where he did (he thought we were going to move their too :confused: ), he's truly amazing. Anyways...Am keeping a journal, and trying think positive and store up strength for when it's really needed. Most of all, I think I need to keep remembering that dd will turn out ok despite all this. :(

[laralou]

That is so weird MamaLuna. Are our ex's the same guy? Mine complains about not seeing ds too even though he moved. He now tries to blame it on us moving around but the thing is we come home every three months for 2 weeks to 2 months so if he moved back home, he would still be able to see ds more. I think it may be an epidemic.

I do agree that you shouldn't obsess over it but I still think you should keep records. That is what I am doing.