I don't know what to do

[littlemama06]

I dont even know the best way to say all this except to just say it.My dh has a BAD drinking problem,it has gotten way worse the past few months.He is 22 and has drank daily, mainly beer,for the 6 months.
Friday night he went out and didnt come home till 2 am, saturday night it was 4 am,sunday nigh he came home from work and feel alseep at 8 pm and started drinking yesterday,his day off, at noon.Then last night he had a friend have, drank beer and when his friend left he wanted to leave and go to his other friends house. We got in a huge fight and he said he didnt care what i thought he was going to his friends, i would nt tell him where the keyts were, he was way to drunk to drive.He stared walking.
When dh is drunk he says really awfull things to me,it breaks my heart. I cant stand this anymore.It is EVERY night.I leave for work three mornings a week at 6:30,i only work till11 and he keeps V till I get off then he goes to work.Lately i havent been able to leave her with him cause he is still drunk at 6am.
I dont know what to do, i really dont.He still isnt home. I talked to my mom, my brother and my sister last night.They think i should move back in with mom and dad for awhile.My dh's sister and her two kids moved in with my parents this weekend,she is homeless.My brother says i should think about moving into mom and dads and letting Leslie(SIL) and her kids move in with dh.I dont know what to do.I like my little house but Mine, V's and the new babys safety is more important.My dh has never laid a hand on me but my brother thinks it could lead to that.
I have tried talking to dh, his sister has tried talking to him.Their own dad is a major alcoholic and heroin user. I just dont know what to do.
What i feel worse about is not feeling the same way about this new little baby that i felt when i was PG with V.
Thanks everybody,
Kaitlin

[ChesapeakeBorn]

:hug Firstly, big hugs to you. It sounds like are in a very difficult position, yet have a very good head on your shoulders. I do not have any experience in dealing with this type of situation, but I commend you for reaching out. Have you suggested going to counseling with your hubby? That way he could see how much you are concerned about him and how much you support him. Also, I have heard of support groups for the family members whose loved one is battling an addiction. Perhaps you might look around and see if you have one locally? They may have some very good insight as to how to deal with this.

We are thinking of you. Be strong and follow your heart.

[nitemarehippygirl]

:Hug

that's a tough situation. if your hubby has a drinking problem, and he isn't willing to work on it, that doesn't leave you many easy choices.
if you stay with him, it's not going to be a happy (safe?) environment for the kids, or you.
if you move out, that's going to be tough (and sad) too. single parenthood is HARD.

having said all that, i think maybe you should think about staying with your family for a while. (just my .02 cents. take it with a grain of salt, if you want.) imo, your hubby will either come around and start trying to help himself when he sees that you mean it, or he won't, which will tell you that's how things are going to be from now on, if you should decide to get back with him.

dh and i split up when ds was 6 months old. i moved in with my sister for about 6 months. it was the hardest, saddest, most miserable time of my life, but i did what i had to do, and it was worth it. in the end, hubby got a wake up call, and started working on his issues. it took a long time to get things on track again for us, but truthfully things are better now than they ever were. if things had gone the other way, and dh hadn't started working on things, it still would have been worth it. i would have realized that it was never going to be ok for us, and would have moved on.(somehow)

give yourself a bit of time to think about what what's best for you and the kiddos.

i hope things work out in the best way possible for you, whatever that might be.

[littlemama06]

Thank you so much, I am going ot move in with my mom and dad. I just feel bad fro my SIL 's little girl who has moved in with mom and dad. SHe has been homeless a long time and LOVES being at my folks house. If I move i there, they will have to move in with my DH, there is only one available room at my folks house.
I am so mad at dh, he is still not home. My heart breaks.
Kaitlin

[sapientia]

:hugs to you, this is rough all around, I know!

[Mom4tot]

Kait, I'm not in your ddc, but I saw this on 'new posts'. I want to suggest Al Anon to you for support. There are many women (and men) who struggle with the same feelings and Al Anon is a great place to learn how to take care of yourself in the midst of your partners drinking. They are in the phonebook or online for a meeting in your neighborhood.

:hug to you.

[sadiejane08]

Not in your DDC, but I can share two things about alcoholics.

One, some can and will change if you make it clear you won't stick around unless they do. My grandmother left my grandfather over his drinking when they had two little babes at home. He sobered up and never touched another drop.

Two, some alcoholics mean well, and want to, and try, and never can stop drinking. They promise the moon, go to some AA meetings, stay dry for a while, then start back up. Generally they sober up when things go to h*ll and fall off the wagon once things are going well again. During that period they often won't even admit they have a drinking problem. My ex-husband and my aunt are this kind of alcoholic.

Whether your husband is in the first category or the second, if it were my situation, I'd move out and make clear what the conditions are of my moving back in. I'd give him six months to get dry and stay dry before I came back. (Doesn't mean we couldn't see each other during that time, just that I wouldn't move back in yet.) I'd let him know I still love him, but either I go or the drinking goes. Period. That means *all* the drinking. Whatever they might tell themselves, alcoholics *can't* drink just a little bit. Whatever they drink affects them greatly, and after even one drink, saying no becomes extremely hard.

Good luck to you, and lots of hugs.

[Adasmommy]

What a tough thing to be going through right now! :hug

I have not been in this situation, but I agree with pps who said that you should get out of there (he may never become abusive, but if he does, it will be too late to take it back, you know?). I also suspect that if you leave, he may well realize how bad it is, and get himself sober.

It's really unfortunate that your moving out will mean his sister and her children moving in with him, though, as I really think it sounds like a potentially dangerous place for children. It's hard to know what to do! Is there other family that could take you or your sister-in-law in?

I'm sending you love and good wishes!

[zjande]

Alcoholism ruined my first marriage. Once my ex-dh felt he had hit his "rock borrom", he went back to AA, took it seriously, & has been sober for 4 years now. He is a MUCH much nicer & better person & all around easier person to be friends with now. And a much more aware & involved dad to our kids! We are all doing so much better now.

Bug fat HUGS to you. I know how very extremely majorly stressful it is breaking up a family over one's drinking. :Hug :Hug :Hug

[pixiesmommy]

Just saw this and felt the need to respond. Is there any way that you and your SIL could share a living space? There is help available if you have limited resources (public funded houses, WIC, etc.) That was just a thought... that way neither of you would have to live with your DH and maybe you could help each other with the kids while the other works, as well as emotionally support one another??

You aren't alone either... many of us on the boards have left abusive relationships or addicts. You WILL survive and you ARE making your children stronger for letting them see that that behavior is not tolerated or the norm, and kudos to you for breaking the chain so that your children have less chance to grow up into alcoholics themselves.

Big, big hugs,
Manda

[smokeylo]

You should look for your local Al Anon meeting (different from AA: Al Anon is support for families affected by alcohol abuse). They will have lots of support and resources. It's a great network.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. It's a shitty disease that turns people into ogres. Hopefully your DH can overcome this problem, but until then I think you're absolutely right to look for a living situation that will be healthy for you and your children. My Dad was also an alcoholic (he is in recovery too for over 10 years now) and periodically he moved out or we moved out. It was sad but it was such a relief to not have to deal with his BS all the time. You're doing the right thing!

[mom2tig99Nroo03]

no advice, just lots and lots of hugs coming your way mama.

[sandy baby]

hugs = me too.
Similar situatoin, except he is never mean...I just worry over the health and him not getting his shit together. I can't imagine leaving, and I knew what I was getting into when I married him, decided to conceive, etc. I'll try to be supportive, and just know the second he does turn mean, step out. Until then, I can't trust him alone with our DD, and that makes me angry.

[gerlassie]

Hugs and love to you. My husband is an alcoholic and I completely understand. It's hard. Many times, I don't feel love for him and wonder how he can love himself. I'm not throwing stones...when I was younger, I did my share of partying but, I've grown up and my children need me. My biggest fear is going into labor when he's passed out. I've hired a Doula since I don't have a support network. Be careful! My husband is verbally abusive to me and fortunately not our boys. He's never gotten physical with me so, that's probably why I've never left.
Hang in there, you'll know when it's time to leave. I'm not even sure how I ended up here so, I most likely won't be back but, stay strong and if you have a safe place to go, seek help.

gerlassie

[PlayaMama]

Not in your DDC, but I can share two things about alcoholics.

One, some can and will change if you make it clear you won't stick around unless they do.

Two, some alcoholics mean well, and want to, and try, and never can stop drinking.

Whether your husband is in the first category or the second, if it were my situation, I'd move out and make clear what the conditions are of my moving back in. I'd give him six months to get dry and stay dry before I came back.


i second this. my husband and i are the first kind. we stopped drinking when i got pregnant and haven't had anything since.

my dad is the second type. he drank himself into the hospital last thanksgiving and lives with us now because he suffers from brain damage as a result of alcohol poisoning. he still tries to find ways to get alcohol.

the most important thing you can remember is that the alcoholic HAS to do it themselves. you can't make someone stop drinking. you are also not responsible for someone else's drinking.

Al-Anon can be really helpful too as a way to understand what is going on with the alcoholic and just how little of it has to do with you.

i recommend at least six months of serious sobriety before you would consider moving back in. i would recommend AA meetings for your partner but they don't necessarily work for everyone.

my dh tried AA and three different recovery places at different points in his life and none of them worked for him. what did finally worked was being afraid of losing the important things in his life yet again. if he had continued to drink he would have lost me, our life together, some work that was very important to him, and a chance at a happy future.

he didn't sober up until he was 35. that was after years of losing other jobs, relationships, and friendships. i like to think it was me but the real reason is that he had been through it all so many times before and lost so much before that he could just see what was going to happen if he didn't stop drinking. i just happened to be the lucky one that was there when he decided not to drink anymore.

really big hugs and lots of hope for the future!

oh, and just in case you need it, my mom stayed married to my dad for about 25 years after she knew she wanted to leave. due to financial reasons and though she's forgiven herself now, feels like she wasted 25 years of her life that she will NEVER get back because she was afraid to leave.

i promise you, moving to your parents will be one of the best things you will ever do for your children and yourself.

[Mrsboyko]

Yes, I know how you feel. My DH is a recovering alocholic. It took 3 DUI's to get him sober. That means over $15,000 in lawyer fees, a total of 6 months in jail (over 2 periods), 60 hours of mandatory counseling, 2 victim impact panel meetings (family members of people killed in accidents speak), and way too many court hearing to count.

The final straw was when I had to get my car out of impound at 9 months pregnant after his last DUI. I told him to F off and not come home till he had decided to get sober. I let him sit in ail for 3 days before I bailed him out. I was not going to allow my DD to see her dad like that. He has been sober since Sept 23rd, 2006, so almost 15 months now. He was not an "every day, need it to function drunk". He was a "i am a rock star and this is what rock stars do" drunk.

I notice your siggy says he is an artist. What kind? How have things been going lately?