Expat Mamas- Homesick!!! Need comfort and advice

[daileyjoy]

How long were you in your new country before your overall homesickness went away or at least let up? What are some did you did to make life easier being an expat who is struggling with the language but still trying? How did you deal with or ward off depression? Did it ever begin to feel like home? How long did you struggle or wonder if you had made a mistake?

[wonderwahine]

:hug going on 4.5yrs here, and I still get homesick and want to move back, wonder if I made a mistake. It still doesnt feel like home, i know if I could get a new house where I could make it my own, I would feel a little more comfortable. But me and dh hace decided we are just going to change what we have now, why wait on something that could help my mental state.

To ward off depression I talk to my family as much as I can, make time for things I enjoy, lean on my dh's shoulders when I need to. :hug
I hope you can feel a little better soon.

[gassadi]

We were in Israel when the first was born and were there about a year longer before moving back to the US. My husband's family lives there, so our situation was different, but I was very lonely for conversations in English. Many of the women in his town weren't educated beyond high school and most were SAHMs so we had very different perspectives on lots of things. (i.e. cleaning the floors with bleach is common as is screaming at the children constantly.) The women in my husband's family, though, were educated and many worked, so they understood that sometimes my priorities were not totally focused on housework and food prep. They still thought I was odd for wanting to read rather than do household stuff, but they also left me alone about it. I'm not saying either perspective is right, but just that we had different ways of approaching the world and sometimes I was very lonely because of it.

Do you have other Americans in your community? What is your family situation? How is your family handling the situation?

I think learning about the culture helped me get out of my funk a little bit as did developing friendships. When we got back to the US, I was homesick for Israel. Now, I'm not sure if either place fully feels like home. But, the constant is the family. I'm home wherever my kids and husband are.

If you have access to a place where you can find ingredients for your favorite dish or dessert, make yourself a treat and share it with some of your neighbors as an icebreaker?
Good luck

[Hollycrand]

In my current country it took me at least 3 years before I felt comfortable with the language and where I could actually say there were things I liked about the place. It comes and goes, but the most important thing for me has been finding like-minded people - no matter what the language.
I didn't find like-minded people until I started going to some children's playgroups. In English, German and French (dh is French so we wanted to expose the kids to French as well).
Do you currently go to any playgroups with the kids, or do you have any contact with other Americans/Anglophones?
There are still days I find myself feeling homesick and wishing I could be back home and/or closer to my family. I have fought depression for a long time as well. I have found that doing yoga twice a day has helped me have the energy for a positive outlook on my current situation, and 'splurging' on something from home (ingredients for a goodie like a pp suggested, no matter what the price, or buying/finding an English book to read, or going to see a movie in English). Something that could help if you have the funds and the time is doing some travelling around the place where you live, or in a nearby country. I find that when I travel, coming 'home' to the place where I live helps me to see some of the good things about my situation. It also helps to have a change of scenery.

[RomanGoddess]

How long were you in your new country before your overall homesickness went away or at least let up?

The second I crossed the border. At moments, I miss things like the seasons in Canada, snow in winter, and chocolate bars, but it passes when I look at what I have.:lol

What are some did you did to make life easier being an expat who is struggling with the language but still trying?
Learn the language as quickly as you can. Take an intensive class three hours per day. Get childcare if you have to. Very important or you won't integrate and you will enjoy your days less and you will have many more frustrating and sad moments.

How did you deal with or ward off depression? Did it ever begin to feel like home? How long did you struggle or wonder if you had made a mistake?

Language classes and more language classes. Reading a few articles from the local paper as much as I can. And getting together with other people, both of my own nationality and locals.

Hope this helps!

[matchlessorinda]

I miss Canada all the time. Even though I don't love Canada, I miss it. I probably compare Turkey to Canada too much and too often.

I struggle with lots of things here and in two years have never been able to find a babysitter. The culture is just totally different and babysitting just doesn't seem to happen here. It's so incredibly different from Western nations. I never felt like this when I lived in France... France was soooo easy in comparison!

I don't think I'll ever feel at home here. I won't ever have a career here either. I hope I can eventually get back to the Western world-- the UK or Canada, preferably.

[edenluna]

i haven't had to deal with a lot of language problems (well, the accent at times!), but i have been in Scotland almost 2 years and i still get homesick. i am married to a scot, and i think that makes the transition easier, but sometimes i think it would be easier if we were both expats experiencing a new country together.

The UK is alot like the US at times, but at other times it isn't at all. sure the language is the same, but i have had a hard time finding people that i could connect to here....

[EVC]

Oh, daileyjoy, I just want to send you major :hug I see you have started several threads about this--clearly you are in difficult position and are very unhappy in it. I understand how you feel :( The first time I lived abroad I had major homesick, too. It gets easier, it really does--if you can stick it out. But, alas, that is the hard part. Are you familiar with the stages of cultural shock? What you are experiencing is entirely normal and, with time, is very likely to pass. It really took me maybe three years to REALLY adust to life in Eastern Europe--I mean to the point where it really felt normal, natural, and like my real home. And now, you know what? I am back in my native US and I am homesick to Eastern Europe! So it does happen ;)

My dh is about in the same place you are now. he is from E. Europe and moved to the US about two years ago. He has not adjusted to life here and is also very homesick. Will it pass? Probably it will, eventually. Is it worth sticking it out until then or just throwing in the towel? Is it worth the effort to adjust when home is just a plane ride away? I don't know. It depends on the situation and the family's long term goals. Think to the future--what will ultimately be better for your family? Can you get yourself through the day in order to work towards that future? Do you have the strength to be patient another day if ultimately you will reap rewards for your determination?

It WILL get easier. But is it worth it? Only you and family can asnwer that.

[sraplayas]

daileyjoy! Big Big Hugs to you! We are into our 4th year living Internationally and it has been a rich experience but very difficult too.

I still feel homesick and feel like I am grieving for the life that I had in the States and wanting that for dd (who was born while we were here). There are trade-offs, of course and it has helped me to enjoy what is unique to this culture.

If you would like to chat more, feel free to pm me.
sraplayas

[mkmama]

oh :Hug
Seriously, homesickness is so hard, so serious of a matter. I cried my eyes out from the moment i was at the airport for about 6 months daily. It was so hard. I would say after that it got better, as in, the pain wasn't so bad i wanted to curl up and never go outside...

That combined with just finding out i was pregnant 4 days before i left and culture shock is always in the mix of homesickness...it was a rough time.

3 years later...i'm not as desperate homesick but it never goes away completley...also i am still not in love with this city and look forward to moving on to the next country at the end of the year for different work.

THE BIGGEST help to me in the midst of my pain was WEBCAM. seriously...seeing everyone and seeing that life continues and i'm not missing "that much" really helps a lot. I think SKYPE and WEBCAM helped/helps me tremendously. Especially now that DS interacts with the webcam and can "spend time" with his family back home and know them...the hard part for me is not having them see him grow and be the best little boy that ever was! :love

[castlehouse]

I am having a hard time moving from California back to florida, I moved in December, and the lonelines is incredible, I even had a severe depression that got me practically hopeless to feel I would live the life I wanted (especially since 10 years prior to this move, I moved to California leaving florida and had to face severe homesickness, but at least that time I had hope when I got to florida again things would be better)

Anyway, things are starting to get a bit better, btw- being pregnant even makes it harder to cope, and when I was isolated with two children that made it harder, so I recommend lining up ways to cut on isolation for after the baby comes, keep using the internet, see if you can have someone come and visit to tutor you or your older child in something such as the language.

Also, being outside the norm can make it a little bit harder to connect with others but join egroups that are related to your interests,

I found that UC helped me feel something empowering and healing, I'm pregnant with my 4th, my last two were UC births and this one is gonna be one too (but in a new state) for me, some of the nonmainstream stuff I do I don't let on about publically such as uc, no vac, or homeschooling or even being vegan, my husband wants to live out of the country for a year (he is a retired teacher and so we live off his retirement and could travel and live out of the state) anyway because I have been having such trouble being uprooted with very little friends and extended family in my life for the first year I live somewhere. but I do want bady to try the adventure.

I just want to say I have experience it as some days are worse than others but they will get better especially as you develop more and more control over your life, believe it or not, a cleaning website helped me a lot called Flylady.com for if I got too depressed I would let things pile up and stay in situations where I could improve my social life, fly lady would nudge me out.

Also the center for nonviolent communication, has egroup list called nvcparenting@yahoogroups.com that had such nurturing people around thed world. it didn't matter if you had any nvc background or not, people would try to help understand your feelings and connect with your needs to let you problem solve on your own pace to meet your needs, they gave such empathy it was easier to move on to what was next for me to do, usually I couldnt do much because my grief needed to be expressed and without me feeling heard or understood on some level, even my own self fighting my feelings-when your pregnant it's hard not to fight some of these feelings are hormones to make us more empathetic with the coming baby make us more apt to be sensitive to whatever isn't quite right. Afterall being pregnant is a time to prepare and make things safe for upcomming baby.

reaching out and getting your feelings witness will help they move to something else and you will have more and more bouts of empowerment, I think you are on the right track exposing some of the "darkside of your realty" so that you can more fully experience the lightside too.

I don't know if I had anything helpful to say, except to share what I am learning in my struggles with homesick times.

My husband calls it grieving and I agree, and he says grief isn't something to fight (for it holds tighter when we do) it gets a hold of us rather than we get a hold of it, the best thing is to simply witness ourselves grieving and give ourselves compassion and understanding and allow that its alright to grieve whatever loss we are having, this sooths grief so it doesn't have to get so desperate for your attention.

Your grieving because you are missing certain experiences, and so as you think about what you miss, you start to think about what you want rather than what you don't want (which is what happens when we fight grief) when we start allowing ourselves to grief and consider what we are wishing we had, little by little we start thinking about how to have experiences that we are missing. that thinking will lead to us getting on tract to experiencing the very thing we miss, so it lightens our grief load.

:rainbow:stillheart:

[sharr610]

:hug

Hang in there! There is so much great about being in a different culture as a family, but so much that is hard.
First, I agree with PP, web cam. We do Skype REGULARLY with our family and friends. It really helps. Also, see if there is a newsletter for the American(or Canadian, British, or other...whatever you may be) community that comes out of the embassy. We have a small ex pat community here in Mali, but its REALLY active. There are a ton of activities going on every weekend and its a free place for classifieds. Start your own play group/book club/pot luck, whatever and send word out about it. Those connections really help.

We were lucky to have lived here before as Peace Corps Volunteers(which I think there are in Romania and if so, find them and befriend them, they can be invaluable resources and always like a good homecooked meal) and so were able to pick up on the language and culture which does helps so very much, but its not everything. I'd agree with PP, the key is to meeting like minded folk. I can talk to tons of people here, but most of those people are uneducated women with more work to do in any given day than I could ever imagine and who don't listen to the news or read the papers. To the men, I can be engaged a bit, but they have to know me first. Its been lonely, thats for sure, but DH and I's relationship has really grown as we've become supports to each other that we never were in the states.

Ok, I'm rambling...What I do when things really get hard is either give myself one and only one day in the house(what we call our little america) and the next day try to do at least one thing that I can only do here...share a huge yummy, just off the tree mango with DS. Take him to the zoo and let him feed bananas to the monkeys that are wandering about. Go visit daddy at work and say hi to some of our good friends. Wander through the shady fabric market. There are things I love here, despite having to brave the horrid heat and dust to get to them.
Granted, I only have a wee babe with me. Another mom I ran into recently has a 10 yo with her and is really struggling to keep him and herself positive. They try to step back and remember positives as well.
Is this a permanent move for you?

[ema-adama]

How long were you in your new country before your overall homesickness went away or at least let up?
I think it was about 1 1/2 years until it let up.... 4 years later and it still is there at times


What are some did you did to make life easier being an expat who is struggling with the language but still trying?
Made myself work in Hebrew even though I had no idea what people were saying around me and couldn't read my patient files.... 6 months of hell and then I was pretty much getting the hang of it... also found a second hand English book store and bought on Amazon pretty much each month... and found an English speaking friend through Hebrew school


How did you deal with or ward off depression?
Went into therapy with an English speaking therapist who had gone through similar issues many years previously - moving to a foreign country


Did it ever begin to feel like home?
Yeah. I now feel like I have 2 homes


How long did you struggle or wonder if you had made a mistake?
I still sometimes wonder if I would have done it if I knew what I know now, but I think each situation is unique and only you can know if it's not the right thing for you

I know how tough it can be and can only emphasise that finding the support you need is essential. I could not have done it without my DH's complete support (He is Israeli)

PM me if you want some would like to chat some more :hug

[Dafni]

Nice to see other people are going through similar processes...Though misery may love company, we also gain strength from each other...
I have been back and forth to the UK for many years (originally from Greece), trying to decide 'where home is'.
Now back in the UK 2 years, in Greece for a year before that, where I had a lovely water homebirth with my daughter. The answer for me is 'home is neither here nor there': when I was there I missed being here and vice versa and also, while being at my own country, I felt like a tourist as I have lived so many years abroad in a very different culture. Equally, I am not at home here, nor do I think will ever be.
I do crave the adventure of living somewhere new and full of surprises and we might go to Germany next as dh is German. I miss the feeling that my children are 'cherished' that I got back home, here people don't seem to really cherish children, they're more of a hindrance really. And family not seeing them grow, while time passes so quickly for all of us...But as life cannot contain everything, we make choices. And it's significant when I'm away I appreciate what I have here, it makes me see more clearly. I have tried connecting with people locally and finding it very hard. Luckilly, I do have some old and trusted friends in London, who I see when I can. As the cost of life is so high here, we can't afford a babysitter, so having time on our own is almost impossible. I do think though that if things, year after year, don't seem right, that maybe it is time to look at other options...Sometimes a place is just not the right one for our development, once its purpose has been achieved...

Dafni :treehugger: mom to Anais-Luna (3 on Friday) :birthday: and Demian-Iasonas (10 mts.) :baby.......Also, :hippie :goorg: :bfing: :fsling: :h20homebirth::novax:

[Mommiska]

Hi there - hang in there! I've lived in Scotland for 13+ years now, and I'd say the first 18 months or so was the hardest.

It's still hard to leave family after we visit, but Scotland very much feels like home now.

I'm also barging into this thread to post this about voting from abroad:

Here is a video that Democrats Abroad is trying to spread far and wide - it is very easy to register to vote from abroad, and more important than ever in this election year.

I vote in Virginia, which all the polls suggest is very close - I'll definitely be getting my ballot in! If you are American and living abroad, please make sure to request your ballot soon so that you can vote in this very important election:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amukRM9SSoo

I know it isn't always at the top of our priority list, but it's still important to vote. The Democrats Abroad makes it very easy, as it fills in forms for you - all you have to do is print the forms out and send them off!