Moms of Onlies

[dancingmama]

Has there ever been a moms of onlies tribe here? I think we are looking at dd (11 mos) as most likely being an only, and though it feels right for our family, there is part of me that is beginning to mourn a bit for what I always thought would be my family -- 2 adults, 2 kids. Dh is 53 and I love him like crazy and we are thinking that 2 would mean much less time for us, and we simply don't have that "empty nesting" to look forward to in the same way as other couples. And only so much energy now! Anyway, I'd love to connect with other mom's of one!

:love

[Arduinna]

That would be me. We have a 13 year old dd and my dh is 46, I'm 39. Not likely to have more. We are enjoying the freedom of having a teenager by having regular dinner dates alone ect.

:hippie

[zealsmom]

Joining the tribe. Our ds is 2 1/2 and will likely be our only child. I sometimes crave being pregnant again, but oh well.

I have always thought it would be nice to adopt, but dh has not wholeheartedly jumped on board.

edited to add that dh is an only (actually he does have half and step siblings but was raised in a different country, so doesn't know them at all). But, I say that to say that he is perfectly happy with being an only and sees it as being great for our ds too. I am not so convinced, so anybody that can offer me more insight to what ds' experience may be, please do. I was raised with 2 siblings and sometimes want that for my own kid.

[chanibell]

Hi,
I was an only child and I was really lonely. I had a brother but he lived with his dad and I lived with our mom and he would visit a couple times a yr so its not really the same as falling into a daily routine. I want to have just one,but I envision having maybe 2. My hubby was one of three but there is a large gap between his youngest sister so Its like he really grew up with one sibling. I wouldnt wish it on any child to be an only. Sometimes it works out great when the parents have more time to spend with their kids ( my parents worked alot) Having said this as I got older I really liked spending time by myself and am used to quiet. I did have dreams of being part of th Brady bunch though :) I had cousins who lived near by and were as close as I got to having a sib.We are still really close. Still having an only may be easier to travel and do more things financially as a family.

[*LoveBugMama*]

Joining the tribe!!

I have always wanted 1 child. And that hasn`t changed since my beatiful Noah was born.

He is 26 months old, and will be an only.

To me, thats the right decision.

:D

[Potty Diva]

Kailey is 29 months old and an only, so far. Although we are trying for number 2, if it doesn't happen we'll be just fine with our little girl.

I really go back and forth on whether we'll have a second child or not.

Most people I hear from with onlies get battered by the when are you going to have another question. But when *I* tell people we'll have another, they frown and ask why. Is that odd?

[dancingmama]

Well hello, tribe. Nice to meet you all. Brand New Me, yes, sounds unusual! I have a very hard time with the "are you going to have another?" question that seems to be on everybodies tongue. And people have SUCH strong opinions about this one.

Arduinna, does your 13 y/o have any opinions on being an only?

As I said, I am trying to come to terms with just having one. I have my own issues around the subject of lonliness. For me, it's just a horrible thing to be avoided at all costs. My dh is quite the opposite. He remained unmarried for 50+ years by choice. He said sometimes it was lonely, but for him that's not so awful. He notes many good things about being solo for so long. Anyway, I think I may be projecting my fears a bit in that I just don't want dd to feel lonely. I don't have family nearby, though we are quite social and have many friends. But I am not so sure that trying to prevent dd's potential loneliness is a good enough reason to have another, when we have so many reasons not to.

Alas, I ramble.

:Peace

[chanibell]

Dancing mama dont feel bad about not wanting to have just one child. What is the reason people have more than one? Ive been on other boards where people say that having another child so the first one wont be loney is a lame excuse for having another child. I dont think there are stupid reasons for having more than one. Ok maybe one like," we are in a circus act and we need one more person to do the live wire with the alligators" Were people critisized in the 1800's for having more than one child? I know a different era but still, people have their reasons and I hate it when people's reasons get shut down. There's always something people feel that have the need to say to you," why cant you stop having kids", or "why dont you have enough children" or "when are you going to have children" or "there's so many people on this earth how dare you have another child" Why are people so bleep bleep concerned about other people's reproductive rights ... thats what I want to know.

[Arduinna]

In answer to the Q about my dds opinion on being an only.

She wanted a sibling before (sister only please), but hasn't mentioned it in a long time. She has a BF with some very active younger brothers, so she sees the pros and the cons over there :-)

I was practically an only myself, I am 9 years older than the closest sibling. I think it's why I enjoy my alone time so much.

[chanibell]

I like my alone time too. Ide be in for a wakeup call having say 3 kids ( coming from an only child household myself) I just remember growing up and visiting friends houses and seeing how they fought. People always assume if you have maybe two kids they will be close,but I know alot of people that cant stand their siblings as adults.

[callmemama]

I'm an only with an only! I started late and while there's no reason to think we couldn't have another (I'm 44 now), we have such an adorable little boy (almost 4), that I'm afraid to push my luck! Does that sound crazy or just conceited?! LOL I'm so fortunate to be a SAHM and dh loves being a dad, and we love our little family just the way it is:)

As far as being lonely goes - there's a big difference between alone and lonely.

[Indigo73]

Hi, another "only" mama. I was never really planning on having any biological children, sooooo...no guilt here, what so ever.

I am a childhood cancer survivor and the chances of my offspring having it as well, were amazingly high. Ryne is clear (knock on wood). Had my tubes tied, so hopefully no more surprises.

DH & I have talked about possibly in a few years looking into fostering or adopting, but Ryne will be involved in making that decision.

[Arduinna]

I'm afraid to push my luck! Does that sound crazy

not at all, my dd was really a dream baby (which I think has more to do with similar attitudes) I was so worried if I had more that I'd be miserable. I wanted more, just never happened. But let me tell you, I'm not one for a loud crazy house. I can't stand having house guests, either. I like talking and interacting with people, but I like my private space alot.

[Potty Diva]

Although I still have thoughts of a second, and dreams of three of four, one thing that could keep me with my sweet only would be what you ladies described above. Not wanting to push my luck, and the fear of not being able to have enough hands :p

I just love the time I get alone with Kailey. And she is such a sweet little girl(98%) of the time- but hey, she's two :) ANd what would I do if I had a child who was super high needs, could I be a good parent to both Kailey and the new baby? So many questions...

[maddysmommy]

Hi! Count me in to the moms of onlies. Dh and I go back and forth on this one, but I think in the end Maddy will be our one. I think that all of the reasons mentioned resonate for me. I don't want my relationship with her to change, I want my body and my space, I don't like loud or chaos much. I don't worry too much about her being lonely, but I do have baby fever pretty bad. All of the women in my playgroup are expecting or planning #2 so I feel pretty much on the outside. It's hard to think about not having that feeling again, but I do relish my amazingly close relationship with Maddy. Dh says "I can't imagine having an infant again." I think that the whole baby/colic/no sleep thing was more than he bargained for. I do feel a lot of pressure now to really get my career and business going and I sort of envy the moms I know who are planning to sahm for the forseeable future as they have 3 or more kids in succession. Then I remember what they are doing at home and it gives me a headache lol! I guess every decision has pros and cons, and in the end we make them with our hearts, not our heads :)

Leah

[Arduinna]

Dh and I were talking about this last night. He is at the "if it happens fine, if it doesn't fine" regarding more kids. I hate living life like that. I do not like limbo.

Anyway, I was telling him that the reasons I'm not 100% into having another child is that I come here and am reminded of what it's like to have a small child. All the complaints about lack of sex drive, and being exhausted, no sleep, discepline issues. I think back and remember how little time we spent together alone when she was little. Finding baby sitters isn't always easy. I know it's not all drudgery ect. Babies are great. I think I'm just hitting the BTDT stage, lol. I'm so enjoying spending time with him. And in a few years (she is almost 14) she will be a full blown adult.

Oh I wish I'd just hit menopause and not have to worry about the possibility anymore, lol.

A part of my does wish that dd would have had the big family with all the siblings getting along and lots of cousins. But I agree with the other poster, many families have siblings that don't get along. There just isn't a guarentee. And besides, who's life am I living? I'm living mine.

[AahRee]

We'd always planned on having 2, and we're even TTC #2 when our DD was 3 months old. But, the past year has taken a serious toll on my DH, and he has changed his mind about wanting another baby. I've had some health issues this past year that have really added a lot of stress. So we didn't have an easy first year, despite having a very, very good baby. DH is worried that we won't get such an easy baby next time around (very likely), and it was hard enough the first time. I go back and forth, but I can definitely see the benefits of our DD being a one and only. Anyway, we haven't totally decided (we're both 28 and DD is 15 months, so we have some time to decide), but my DH is feeling pretty strongly about it right now, so I think this is where we're going to end up. Nice to meet you all! :D

[callmemama]

Health problems really can make you re-think decisions, especially when it comes to making sure our children are provided for in case something happens to us. This is such a heart-wrenching thought because we don't know anyone that would raise him the way we are (ebf, ap, hs, vegan), and of course, I suppose none of us believe that anyone could love our children as much as we do.

[Dar]

I have an only, although not out of intent - I've always been a single mom and never met anyone else I really wanted to have a child with. I still think about it sometimes, but we have a pretty good thing going with the two of us. There's no way we could do all the things we do now with another child, just logistically...

It surprises a lot of people that Rain really enjoys younger children, and goes out of her way to include them, and they tend to like her, too. It also surprises people that she's not at all "spoiled" and tends to get along well with others her age as well... all those negative stereotypes :/

Dar

[petit_bleuet]

Hi tribe!

Ian is to be our only child. I think it's a pretty sure thing now that DH had the snip done August 1st and we're being mighty cautious until he goes in for his follow-up visit. ;)

Honestly we didn't plan on having children at all but learned of our surprise on the heels of a cross-country move in 2001. Ian has warmed our hearts and enriched our lives in ways neither of us ever deemed possible but neither of us wants to give so freely of ourselves to another little person.

This will probably sound horribly selfish but I especially don't want to give of myself like this again. I did not like or enjoy pregnancy, my med-free birth was excruciating, and the logistics of cosleeping and breastfeeding another child for 19+ months (we're still going strong with Ian) just doesn't appeal to me. I wouldn't change a thing about how we've raised Ian, he deserves it all and then some and I'm willing to provide... Just not to an army of children (aw heck, not even to 2 or 3).

Also there are the environmental and financial implications of more children... More sacrifices DH and I do not feel like tackling.

As for loneliness, my only brother is 8 years older than I am and moved away from home when I was 8 years old. I'm not close to him and spent most of my childhood being the only child at home. Did I feel lonely? Never! I had friends and friends' siblings to keep me occupied. And then I got to go home at the end of the day and sleep in my own room and find my own clothes where I had left them without errupting into a fight with pesky sibs.

So... That's my story. I love my son more than anything else in the universe but he'll do nicely for me, thanks. :D

*edited for glaring grammatical error*

[AahRee]

For those of you who have already made the decision to stick with one child, did you read any particularly good books on the subject beforehand? My DH and I each had one sibling, so neither of us knows anything firsthand about being an only child. Also, none of our friends have (or intend to have) onlies, so we don't have a personal resource to draw from (well, other than FIL, but since his family life was less than ideal, I'd rather not have him as our sole representation of only children...).

I've checked out Parenting Your Only Child, Maybe One and one other book (can't remember the name) from our library, and I'm reading Parenting Your Only CHild right now. The author seems to be a tad defensive about only children, though, which is irritating. I'm hoping it gets better. Anyway, if you have a good resource you can refer me to, I'd love to know about it!

The more I think about our life and our lifestyle, the more I think that having an only might be the right thing for us. My husband literally lives for ski season, and he likes to escape to the mountains to hike in the summertime (and there's always waterskiing, too...). Anyway, his hobbies combined with his work (second grade teacher AND summer school teacher AND weekend landscaper) mean that I'm alone with DD a lot. It's great, and it's getting easier all the time, but when I try to envision myself doing everything I'm doing with DD, plus keeping the house clean (something I'm striving to do better at... and improving at a lot lately), the mere idea of adding a newborn to the mix makes me want to collapse with exhaustion! I know that there are plenty of people who do it... I'm just not sure I'm meant to be one of them. And at this point, DH is certain he is NOT willing to be the father of two. So my musings on whether I could handle it or not are sort of a moot point! :lol

[callmemama]

No, we didn't use books - just a gut check:) We went through the baby-longing phase, but as ds keeps getting older (not yet four years) and more active, I think of all the fun things we do together now, and how much that would change with a little one. Then there's the "I couldn't possibly love another child as much as I love ds", but everyone with multiple children says that isn't so!! And don't forget the old wive's tale that the second child is the exact opposite of the first ... and our first has such a sweet disposition!

[Aster]

I'm a mom of an only too. :D

I really liked what the celestine prophecy says about children and their energy needs. It put into words a lot of things that i already believed in before i'd read it. The 8th insight talks about how children need constant unconditional energy and at least one adult committed to focus full attention, all of the time, on each child. I just dont think i could provide ~that~ to more than one child.

Outline of the Celestine Prophecy (http://homestar.org/bryannan/celistin.html)

[Liz]

Hi, I'm Mom to an Only.

Originally posted by callmemama
[BI think of all the fun things we do together now, and how much that would change with a little one. Then there's the "I couldn't possibly love another child as much as I love ds", but everyone with multiple children says that isn't so!! And don't forget the old wive's tale that the second child is the exact opposite of the first ... and our first has such a sweet disposition! [/B]

These are the exact reasons my ds is an only so far. PLUS I just don't cope well with 2 kids begging for my attention. It totally stresses me out. I know I would want so desparately to keep them both happy that I'd be miserable. I'm also a second child and have always felt like second best. And I see my friends with two do it, too. The first always gets the full spa treatment then the second gets the new improved more efficient up bringing ("I really spoiled little Billy. I won't do that again with Susie!")

The one reason I'd like to have another is that it would give ds an ally, ya know? When things are a little rough at home or stuff is going on at school that Mom doesn't understand or whatever. It's nice to have a kid's team to go up against the parent team sometimes. Evens things out.

Anyway, I'm 41 and dh is 46 so our window of opportunity is closing and we still have not had the urge to have another. I'm blissfully happy with ds so if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen.

[AahRee]

Okay, I finished *Parenting an Only Child*, and didn't like it. It was a collection of quotes and anecdotes, and they didn't always really back up the point the author was trying to make. The whole book was just disjointed and confusing.

I'm reading *You and Your Only Child: The Joys, Myths and Challenges of Raising an Only Child*, by Patricia A. Nachman right now. It is A LOT better. :) It has solid information about the advantages of having an only - for the family as a whole, for the parents and for the child - and puts to rest some of the old wives' tales about onlies being loners, brats, etc. It also discusses some of the challenges that are particular to raising an only, and how best to deal with them. So far, I really like it. And the more I read, the more confident I'm feeling about our decision to stop with Katie.

Which brings me to my next question: For those of you who are young enough to conceive again, how do you deal with the pressure to have more children (especially from the grandparents), and the comments that you'll *change your mind* about having an only?

[somemama]

Chiming in here, if I may........

I THOUGHT I was going to have an only. (Then I got "baby fever" really bad when dd was 4, so now we have 2 kids!)

Anyway, when I had 1 child and got the inevitable, "When are you going to have another," question, I said: "When you get it right the first time, there's no need to try again!"

That shut everyone up.

[Aster]

mom2katie, that books sounds like a good one. I'll have to add it to the long list of books that i want to read. :)

Which brings me to my next question: For those of you who are young enough to conceive again, how do you deal with the pressure to have more children (especially from the grandparents), and the comments that you'll *change your mind* about having an only?

Dh usually goes with some variation of the 'we got it right the first time', but i dont like that. It seems too much like a backhanded slam at the other person's kids to me. I dont know, it's hard to find the right thing to say, bc a lot of the reasons we only want one child ARE things that someone with more than one child could find offensive. I guess something like, 'we're doing what's best for our family' would work for just about any situation, without offending pple. Then again, i'm queen of :foot and find it really difficult to actually say things like that. :raz

[Eggie]

I was an only child and never felt lonely, always was surrounded by lots of friends, though I am very independant. I only have one daughter (4 months old) and because of medical reasons probably wont be able to have more, pregnancy and everything was extremely complicated so I wouldn't look so much forward to it, but you never know.
Dh has a sister and actually they have a terrible relationship so also he thinks that to have an only is very nice.
About others pressuring us to have more kids, I really don't care about it, usually I answer that I haven't thought about it. Anyways, I don't feel I can love someone else as much as my daughter!

[AahRee]

Aster ~ I have a bad foot-in-mouth habit, too! :lol That's why I asked the question. I'm not good at thinking on my feet about things like that without offending those who make different choices. I have a habit of getting SO excited about things (like AP, for example) that I can sometimes alienate those who have a different viewpoint, and I hate doing that. I like *We're doing what works best for our family*, but something tells me I'd choke on those words if I tried to say them to my mom or my MIL! :lol

Eggie ~ OMG... if anyone was asking you ALREADY when you're going to TTC again, I'd...well, I don't know WHAT I'd do!!! I'm glad they're not asking yet! Hopefully you won't have to deal with that for a while! I'm glad to hear from an adult only who had a positive experience being an only as a child! :D

[Eggie]

Well Anne, you wouldn't believe who started to ask the other day... my dh!!! He said "Our dd and I want so much a little baby brother":jaw
then I had a nervous laugh attack :D , there's no way I will get prg now, unless the Holly Spirit "visits" me, LOL.

[AahRee]

Originally posted by Eggie
there's no way I will get prg now, unless the Holly Spirit "visits" me, LOL.

:LOL

We were actually trying for #2 at 4 months PP... and I am SO glad we weren't successful! :eek Now that we're out of that newborn fog we were in, we're so happy that we DON'T have another newborn to take care of with our toddler running around!!!

I think your DH has guts to be asking you to try again so soon, though! :LOL

I'm on my third *only child book*. This one is called *Maybe One* by Bill McKibbin, and so far, I really like it. The basic premise is that population is a huge environmental issue - not the ONLY issue, but a huge one, and one that isn't really talked about that much. He feels that the next 50 years are a sort of *watershed moment* in history in terms of population growth and its environmental impact. His thinking is that if more families choose to stop with one child (or not have children at all), during this time, it would go a long way to protecting the earth that ALL of our children will inherit. He also says that not everyone has to have only one child ... there just needs to be an increase in the numbers of single child families. The first section (which I'm still working on) is devoted to tracking down the source of the *only child syndrome* myths (which he traced to a study in the 1800s that was basically a pile of anecdotal garbage with no real research value at all...) and to debunking those myths with reputible research (which says, among other things, that only children typically have higher IQs, better verbal skills and complete more years of education than children who have siblings.)

So, all in all, I'm liking everything I read about only children, and I especially like hearing from onlies who liked their *only-ness*. :D

[aimcar]

I'm a mama to an only. :)

Jacob will be two next week and will most likely be our only child. I had always envisioned myself having 3 or 4 children, but I am so completely happy and more than satisfied with my beautiful, sweet boy.

DH and I go back and forth a lot about having another one, but the only reason we're even considering it is because we don't want DS to be lonely. I personally don't think that is a very good reason to have another child. DH is an only child, and while he admits he was lonely at times and wished he had a sibling, he had a perfectly happy childhood. I think the lonliness he experienced was more due to the fact that his mom was a single mother who worked a lot.

I am perfectly happy giving all my love and attention to the wonderful child we have. I feel like our family is complete, and I don't have a longing for another baby...at least not at the moment...LOL ;)

[AahRee]

Hi Aimee! :D

I could be wrong, but I think I recognize you from somewhere else online. UB AP thread? If that means nothing to you, then forget I mentioned it! :LOL:

Anyway, your Jacob is only 8 months older than my Katie. We've mentioned to a few friends and family members that Katie is probably going to be an only, and just about everyone thinks we'll change our minds. But honestly, I realized that the main reasons I wanted another child were to prevent lonliness (but there's no guarantee a sibling would do that...) and to relive Katie's newborn days (and I can't ask another baby to be exactly like Katie, as much as I'd like that!) So I'm feeling like you are - very content to pour all of our love into the child I have. :D And counting my blessings to have her. We just found out my sister's DH has serious IF issues, and they're probably not going to get pg, ever, without donor sperm. :( So I honestly just feel so lucky and blessed to have my little girl!

[deb_n]

Conor is very likely going to be an only. My husband and I met in our late 30's, he had never planned on children, I had always dreamed of them but felt I had some childhood traumas to deal with myself before I dumped that on a little one. When I finally felt I had myself together, suddenly my dh was there in front of me (in the form of an online ad, quite literally) We were still working out the if and when of having a little one when he forced the issue by joining our lives. At 39, I felt so lucky to have have my life quite suddenly enriched by not 1 but 2 lovely men. So I fear it is likely a little too late and unlikely to have that lightning strike again. Also, dh really feels strongly that our finances and life can support only 1 dear soul. And although I frequently dream of being pregnant again (I loved almost every minute), I know that I probably would not have it as easy and much of my desire stems of the Csection that ruined our midwife homebirth plans.

An only myself, I do know that it gave me an independence and strength. My traumas had nothing to do with my oneness, just parents with many problems, which meant being an only was also a blessing as there was not another child to worry about-being the surrogate parent myself. My dh was the oldest of 7, so a very different life. We are enjoying this new life together so much that I can't imagine more.

[aimcar]

Originally posted by mom2katie
Hi Aimee! :D

I could be wrong, but I think I recognize you from somewhere else online. UB AP thread? If that means nothing to you, then forget I mentioned it! :LOL:

Hi Anne! Yep, you have definitely seen me in the UB AP thread! Are you still a member over there? I never renewed my subscription when it expired in April. A hard decision, but a good one. ;) Anyway, how nice to "see" a familiar face over here! I do remember you and your sweet baby girl, Katie. :)

We get the same "you'll change your minds" comments all the time. It's very annoying, and I have yet to understand why other people care so much whether we have one child or 20?

[AahRee]

I thought that was you! It's good to * see* you, too! :D

And I think you're not the only one who felt that way about renewing. I'm probably not going to renew next year...

I'm glad to have caught up with you again, though! :D

[callmemama]

This thread inspired me to read "You and Your Only Child". I haven't quite finished it yet, but it does a pretty good job of debunking the old "only" myths. Problem is its not exactly AP. One of the examples it gave as a way to define an adults-only area in the house was to gate the parents bedroom from the time of birth (to keep the child out):o It was not advocating that everyone do this, but it was cited as an example of what worked for one couple. But I guess you can't have everything in one book, can you? lol

[AahRee]

callmemama ~ I noticed that, too. :( I sort of took the examples of what worked for certain parents with a grain of salt, and focused on the general idea that you can raise a normal, happy, intelligent, caring, wonderful only child. But yeah... that book isn't a great AP resource, unfortunately. I haven't found a single book about onlies and AP. Maybe one of us will wind up writing that book! :LOL

[dancingmama]

Thanks for the book recommendations -- I'll check it out.

Lately I'm beginning to feel more secure in the dd-as-only decision. I ADORE being her mama, and love my new life with her. And as much as I'm sure I'd adapt and love life with another kiddo, the sheer amount of work, lack of alone time, lack of dh time, sleep deprivation, etc etc is completely intimidating to me. I look at mamas who make it look so easy to parent several children, and I'm bewildered and awed. Also, when I got pregnant with dd, I was completely 100% wanting her, whoever she would be. But now, with one sweet happy little girl, I wonder about what it would be like if #2 was very high-needs in one way or another. I'm just not sure I'm up for that, which doesn't sound as unselfish and unconditional as I felt with dd, and that's not really fair.

I know I may change my mind, but somehow I don't think so. And anyway, I'd have to change dh's mind too, and not so sure I could do that!

It's been great reading all the posts....

Peace,
Julie

[TieDyeMom]

Count me in too! My daughter will be 1 yo on Monday and she is and will continue to be an only. I was an only as was my dad and his mom too so I see no need to break tradition. My family has always been really small. I always had really close friends and so was never lonely. Once in awhile on Christmas would be the only time I could think of that I really wanted siblings. I do like my alone time and at 1 yo I can already see my dd playing well by herself and totally enjoying her books alone (I read a lot to her too but sometimes she seems to get frustrated when I try to butt in). I couldn't imagine sharing my time with another to be honest. I love our time together and between dd, dh, 2 dogs and a spoiled cat, my alone time has been delegated to after 11pm.

[PM]

It's very comforting to read these posts; it's great to see such positive emotions about having only one child.

We have been TTC for 2 years next month. In the past 6 months I've been diagnosed with a back problem that will just not support a pregnancy.

It's heartbreaking for me - though I really enjoy and love my dd, and often wonder how hard it would be with others.

But then I see signatures of mothers here with 4,5, 6 kids and makes me so envious.

I would like to adopt, but my dh is very much against removing a child from his/her native culture.

Anyway, thanks for this thread, it's helping me!

[katmainomad]

we plan for our ds to be an only, though we aren't willing to permanently change our bodies to make sure. i have, for a while, planned to have only one - mainly for environmental reasons. now that he is here i also see the practical reasons for having only one (cheaper, more sane life...) he is such a joy, and even though i enjoyed being pregnant, and birth was quick, and infancy is going well, this just feels like such a right number of children to have. we are a perfect unit. all my only child friends are wonderful, giving, happy people. only the woman at the WIC office has said i should have another (because ds is so cute) i smiled, but should have said "i'm already on public assistance, i don't think i'm a perfect candidate to bring more mouths into the world!" um...that's a joke...not meant to offend anyone who might want or have more than one :)

[Guava~Lush]

For some weird reason I thought I responded to this thread, but re-reading it, I gues not, LOL! I am an only and ds is an only. He will be 3 soon, and I vowed that if I had another, he wouldn't be older than 5. I have no good reason other than I think that's a big gap in age. For some reason though I see him being an only, when I think it. Dunno why. I really want another! I hated and still hate being an only. All my cousins don't leave near me and my parents are divorced. I have no sibling to talk to or help take care of them physically or financially as they get older. This is actually a cause of stress for me.
My dad has to fly to Cali. on Friday to visit his mother and two sisters. His older sister is dying of cancer. He is blessed to have many shoulders in his family to lean upon, and help each other.
That leaves me thinking of my dad and if anything happened to him. I alone will be taking care of any loose ends. Ok, it all sounds morbid, but I think about it. All his family are on the mainland. Yes, we have many friends, but no family here.
Perhaps for these selfish reasons, I wouldnt want that burden on my only son. My dh has 4 brothers and sisters. He doesnt realize what he has.
I promise, I'm not bitter:love !!!
I just wanted to chime in, thanks for listening ladies!!

[callmemama]

I'm an only too, and I've already lived through the death of my parents. Yes, its emotionally difficult, and yes, I had a lot to do, but I can't imagine that I wouldn't have wanted to be there for my mom (she had the long illness) even if I had siblings. But I know what you mean. That worries me too sometimes with ds. He really is such a sweetie, and I wonder if as onlies, we're closer to our parents? I just hope he grows up happy and healthy, makes good friends, and has a family of his own someday - then he'll have plenty of love and support ... of his own choosing:)

[malamamama]

After thinking we were always going to have two, we have now decided in this past year to not have anymore children. Dh was the leader in this decision and after reading, talking, and considering the results of our decision, I feel.....98% sure of the decision.
I read Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only by Susan Neuman, PhD. This could be the book that the other poster was talking about.
I received a number of things from the book which brought peace to my heart and mind. One being that when you have just one child, you are much more able to give energy and time to your relationship with your spouse. This is very important to us as our relationship is just 5 yrs old. Dd is 3. And while this may seem selfish to some, our relationship was founded in a beautiful, loving spirit and we want to continue to honor that and our growth with each other. And not get so totally engrossed in "parent" mode as you do when there are more kids. (Not that that path is "less than", it is just not for us)
Also, dh is really into his Taiji Practice and I am an artist. It is really important to each of us that we continue on these paths for our own personal growth, and I think, very healthy for dd to witness this in us, for discovering and following her own self direction. This would definitely be more challenging for me with more kids, because I am just now beginnning to have time for myself again.
Dd being lonely was a consideration, but we are already helping her to create significant relationships with 3 special children in her life and hopefully this experience will help her to continue to create close, nurturing relationships on her own as she grows.
I grew up with 4 older brothers, and my appreciation and love for them soared as an adult. So I am concerned for dd when she gets older without siblings. Although as others have posted, sibling closeness as children and adults is not always the case. Often as adults we create our extended families and support networks anyway.
Something else that the book suggested was that if you don't have family, cousins nearby, to then create a family with special friends and make it a point to consistently come together at all the holidays and special events in life....this is something we will do as we are living on an island with absolutely no blood family around.
I am really grateful for this thread as I was wondering who else was out there in this tribe......:grouphug Thanks for your thoughts and opinions Mamas!!!

[BCmommy]

My Tyler,age 8, is an only by our planning. We wanted one child and that's what we had!! :D

BTW, I was an only and obviously enjoyed it cuz I decided to raise one myself!

[fyrflymommy]

.

[callmemama]

Hey BCmommy, me too:)

Do you all go out of your way to provide playmates for your onlies? I worry about it off and on, but ds (almost 4) is still very happy playing with dh and me:o I've seen other onlies that are very social, so I think its a personality trait (not unlike dh and me) more than an only thing. Ds converses very well with adults, and if anyone gives me a hard time about not putting him in pre-school to "socialize" with other children, I just tell them he'll be an adult someday anyway!

[Elphaba]

hey mamas of onlies, would you mind sharing when you knew or decided that having one child was the right thing for you to do?
dh and i went from no children ever, to thinking we'd have 4 or 5, and now i am really leaning toward dd being an only.
she's a delightful child and i'd really like her to be able to have everything she can get out of life. i want to travel with her and take her to concerts and plays and let her participate in whatever activities she likes, without worrying about money.
i come from a family of 5 kids and hated it. i would have liked to have had a large HAPPY family, but i doubt that would be the reality. i know i don't have much left in my personal reserves right now, and a second child would just suck the life out of me. we had a miscarriage 6 weeks ago, and though this is a horrible thing to say, i was kind of relieved not to be pregnant. i was not having many positive thoughts about being pregnant. i was plagued with doubts and anxieties about my dd being forced to wean early because of the milk drying up, not getting enough attention from me, not being able to do all of our activities anymore, never getting my body back, etc.
i feel like i can do a decent job at parenting one child, but i don't know if i can with 2 or more. i'm already not living up to my expectations as a parent, and i'd hate to see how low my standards would drop with 2.

[Aster]

Those are all really valid reasons elphaba. I'm coming from a similar background--hated being in a big family, already raised my mom's kids, didnt think i'd ever want a child of my own, etc. I've also seen how the dynamics of a family can change with the addition of the second child. Personally, i dont want to have to deal with sibling rivalry but i do see those kinds of behaviours in boo when he is hanging out with other little kids anyways.

We havent done anything permanent to make sure that there wont be any more kids. My body's already messed up enough as it is, i dont want to modify my reproductive organs. Reading about the things that can happen to guys after vasectomy isnt very pretty either...so, i guess there's a chance that we could possibly be parents of more than one someday just because there's no birth control that's 100% effective. It wouldnt be the end of the world, but it wouldnt be my first choice either.

We've also considered fostering, and almost went for it last year, because 'i was at home anyways'. We decided not to, because of the attention factor (more children=less attention for each child, which leads to rivalry). It's still something that i would like to do, but it wont be until boo is older and can participate in the decision making process. His wants and needs will definitely be a big part of whether or not we foster.

[Yin Yang]

Hi, can I join?
My DS in 2 months old and I am pretty sure he is going to be the only.
Like some of you here, we never wanted to have kids either. He was an "accident". I was 13 y/o when my bro was born and I trully feel like he is my son and I thought that experience was enough.
But now we have this wonderful human being here and I am so in love with him!! I never wanted to have childern of my own, but I always had a "vision" that I would have a son.
I am so glad I found this thread b/c it makes me feel like I am not the only one who likes quite time, who wants to be with her DH and not spend all the time running around 5 screaming kids. I want to have life and most of all I want to travel a lot! I was not ok with being pg until I was 5 months pregnant. I had REALLY HARD time dealing with being PG. I did not want to give up my "freedome". But now having one child I don;t see it such a problem. I can still do lots of things with him.
My family lives in Europe and I really can not imagine being able to afford to go there every year with more then one child.
For some reason though I am still thinking about what it would be like to have 2 kids. I know for sure I don't wanna have more,but I am just thinking about what it would be like. But am NOT willing to go through it any more.
I cannot wait to have lots of fun with my only child. I have 2 older sibblings as well and they pretty much hate each other and I am not exactly close to them either. Since living on different continent, none of it matters anyway......

[callmemama]

Elphaba, we really wavered on the only-child issue the first couple of years. My age was somewhat of a factor in the decision, but more importantly, we like the family dynamic the way it is. Ds gets lots of one-on-one time with both his dad and me ... which he loves. Ds also has an easy-going personality and its so easy to go places with him. I looked in my heart and realized the only reason I would be having another child would be to provide ds with a sibling and it didn't seem like the "right" reason. I guess you can say I'm biased though - I'm an only too:)

[abranger]

can i join in here? my dd is also going to be an only. like many here i never really wanted children but my dh talked me into it. i have a brother 4 years younger and while we are fine now all my childhood memories are of fighting with him. i have a sister 9 years younger and like pavlina i feel like i raised her. with one child we can give her so much more, travel school etc. i also cannot even imagine feeling like i feel about her for anyone else

amy

[Suzannah]

It sounds like there should be a tribe for people who weren't going to have kids and then...surprise!

My DD is an only and shall always be an only. DP said he wanted a passel before we got PG (he is an only and sort of raised himself anyway), but after DD was born he changed his mind!! DD is charming and wonderful, but AP has taken a toll in the sense that it requires (it seems to me) more sacrifice and life re-arrangement. I also had a really difficult time adjusting after DD was born; I think I had PPD pretty bad right after DD turned one and it really set in that there was no way I could be who I wanted to be for awhile (and who was that anyway, after birth?!). DP's g'ma told us we were selfish and lectures us all the time about having another, and I even have a friend who has 2 who constantly tells me to have another (after telling me that it's a nightmare for her!!). People who know me, though, know that there is no sense even trying to convince me!

It has become so much more difficult with the spoiling issue, though. I finally started giving DD an allowance every week and teaching her about money so I could restrain myself from buying her stuff (even little stuff, like a MAtchbox car here or there). I'm not replacing any of my time with presents, but there are so many things she would love to play with. We tell her to save her money for the things she wants, and she has bought herself a few little things (she gets $1 a week, sometimes in quarters, sometimes in paper, so it takes a long time to save up!!). DP and I really agree, though, that because she is an only we need to be vigilant about sharing and cooperation, and DD is turning into one of the most loving and giving people.

We may adopt when DD gets to be a little older, but that will be only after some serious consideration and conversations with the whole family, and I highly doubt that we will. One kiddo has been a much better choice for us...

[AahRee]

My FIL is an only child, and his mother died last Sunday, so we're seeing firsthand how that could be for Katie someday. And although it's been tough on him, I don't really think that it would be any easier if he had siblings. He's fine with the details, and he has my MIL to lean on for support, as well as some other adult family members. (Adult meaning his generation, not ours... :LOL ) Anyway, in a strange sort of way, this experience is giving me more confidence about Katie being an only. Not a fun way to learn that, though. :(

[malamamama]

Thanks Mom2Katie, for sharing your perspective with your FIL's experience. That often has been my thought~that onlies will be more inclined to create a support system around them in lieu of siblings. Even those of us with siblings will do this to some extent, yk?

[callmemama]

Has anyone's only requested a baby?! Mine turned 4 this week and asked for a baby. Oh my!! Then he wanted to know how babies "get in that nest". So far so good on age-appropriate answers, but I think I'd better get a book to be prepared for more!!!

[malamamama]

All the time! And she's going to teach her baby this and that....and on and on. She says she's gonna have the baby. I will be the mama and she will be the big sister! When she gets really full, she says, "I'm so full! I'm gonna have a baby!
(Our good friend is pregnant, so there's lot's of baby talk around here!)

[mama-t]

Oh yeah, we get the 'when am I going to be a big brother' question. Breaks my heart, because I'm pretty sure we're done; we're even talking about the ol' snip-snip for dh.

Dh is 42, I'm a 35y/o WAHM artist, and ds is 4. I feel our family is complete, even though I get yearnings for another. Maybe it's hormones??
When I'm with tiny babies, I dont feel the 'oh I must have another' longing, but it is funny things like one day I saw one friend carrying another friends tiny one and could've sworn I felt my breasts let down! Odd sensation, very real, but when I think about my family and how things work for us now, I don't think I *want* to have another (and I guess that makes me feel guilty).

All the past posts brought up our reasons for leaning towards a one child family; environment, schooling, quiet, no guarantee of close sibling relationship, time spent with partner and child.
We're not big travelers, but do really want to enjoy being in the world, owning our own business', helping ds have a fabulously lovely life; this encourages the one child way for me, also I just don't *see* another child coming our way.

Dh does get jealous sometimes of my closeness with ds, and wishes that another child might mean he could have a chance at that type of connection, but then knows that it is silly to think life works out that way.
And now ds is going through a very lovey-dovey phase and dh is getting some extra love.

A friend of an only shared a quote one day that I really liked, from Alice Walker:
Question: Should artists have children?
A.W.: Yes, one.

It speaks of experiencing motherhood, birthing (or not), being responsible for another human being, and of sustaining your own sense of self (which must be where I am right now).

I hope there will be more topics on this thread....this could really feed me right now.

[insahmniak]

so So SO SOOO glad to find this discussion! Can I chime in?

DP and I haven't come to any firm decision on the issue, but we're seriously considering it. I can totally relate to malamamam re: DP and I still wanting to give lots of good energy to our relationship. I love my DC dearly AND I really miss the time and space my DP and I had together.

:confused: Does anyone have any thoughts on how to cope with the triangulation situation? Does this make anyone else nervous? I know that I'm extremely sensitive about feeling left out or ganged up on (I'm middle-born of three v. close kids) and I dread triangulation. It's such a personal issue that I need to deal with. And now that DC is really here, I'm going to have to work on it. Yes! Ugh. Ouch. Yes! Ugh....

I've started reading You and Your Only Child. Maybe this book will help me out.

[capermom]

Hi I am a mom to an only! Before I had ds I never ever thought that I would only have one. But after I had him, I just knew that I only wanted him, my dh feels the same way. Our ds is perfect in every way, he is everything that we could have ever imagined and more in a child.
I always go back and forth with maybe he should have a sibling and feel so guilty because I feel that I should want to give him one, but I just want him. It is so nice to hear others who are feeling what I am feeling.
My bestfriend has an only, she is 4 and plays with my ds all the time but my bestfriend doesnt understand me because she plans on having more. She thinks that children should always have siblings.

[pugmadmama]

Edited to add: I'm bumping this up because I'm so excited to find a tribe of other Mamas of only children!

Another Mama of an only-child (11 year old son) checking in! I've loved reading this thread...I've nodded my head so much that I think I've thrown my neck out!

My pet peeve is the phrase "lonely only". Next person who says anything about "lonely onlies" to me gets whacked over the head with a copy of by Bill McKibben's Maybe One: A Case for Smaller Families!

[thirtycats]

Oh I wish I'd just hit menopause and not have to worry about the possibility anymore, lol.


This is me exactly! Now that we've made the firm decision to not have any more babies and we're very happy with our decision...I'm paranoid about becoming pregnant. I feel like a teenager when we have sex. I can hardly enjoy myself because I'm so scared the condom is going to break or something. I think I'll feel better when DS has weaned and I go on BC pills.

Anyway, I NEVER in my life imagined having an only or wanting an only. I always went back and forth from no children, and 2 or three children. While pregnant, I was making charts of when we'd have our next two kids and how old they'd be in various times. Then the day, my DS was born...I looked at him and knew I did not want another baby. But it took a long time to accept these feelings. I had originally wanted a 2nd baby very soon after so they'd be less than 2 years apart. I pushed it to 3, then 4, than 5, and then said oh, forget it! My husband said he was fine with whatever I decided and was happy with just one.

My family gave me a hard time at first...more so when the decision was up in the air. But when I made it clear, that this was what we definitely wanted, they seemed to accept it. My dad though said "But if you got pregnant accidently...you wouldn't get rid of it, right?" One of my sisters said "What are you going to do? Poke holes in their condoms?"

My sister has two babies and I see how hard her life is. It's so much better with one. Some people will call us selfish. I say they're absolutely right. I love my time alone and don't want to give that up. On the other hand, I think my son gets so much more because we can give him so much more attention.

Dina

[rainsmom]

*I bet alot of us moms of onlys have alot of animals to fill the house*

Hi, Im a mom of two onlies. My first I had w/my first marriage, age 19. I was widowed by 21 and raised ds on my own. I remarried when he was 21 and didnt think my new dh and I would have kids, and we were both fine with that. Then one day......we both had dreams about a little dark haired girl. We started seriously considering it and after much discussion, conceived our dd. I was 42, dh was 35. He had a vasectomy soon after the birth.

Though my first experience having an only were a result of consequences of life........I liked having one child. I came from a family of 5 also and hated it. We were all 5 years apart, so had nothing in common. We are close now, yet all different still. I like having the energy/attention/finances to give to a child without being pulled in another direction by another. I feel I still have time for myself (which is very important) and my dh. I felt very neglected and lost in the shuffle when I was growing up with that many children. Fathers didnt participate like they do now, or most didnt anyway, so the load fell on my mother.

Glad to hear there are more couples out there who dont have another child, just to keep the first company.

edited to add: we have 2 dogs, a new kitty and a huge fish tank

[ilovebakedgoods]

Mom to an only checking in! I am Teresa, almost 33 years old and I have one child by choice. My son Tristan is 3 and he is all we want or need. To quote Petit_bluet "I love my son more than anything else in the universe but he'll do nicely for me, thanks". This is exactly how my husband and I feel! We feel secure in our choice and we haven't looked back. DH was even snipped a few months ago. So yay, now I won't have that fear of getting pregnant looming over me LOL.

Also, add us to the "we didn't want any, but surprise" group! We are so happy to have Tristan in our lives since he has decided to make his appearance. I truly believe that he was brought to us for a reason.

I'm tired so I won't babble on... it's great to see a tribe here for Moms of Onlies! I hope this thread continues to remain a *support* thread!

Teresa :)

[Indigo73]

*I bet alot of us moms of onlys have alot of animals to fill the house*

Nope - at this point there is 1 kid (2 year old boy) and 1 dog (9 year old Italian Greyhound).

There have been talks to add more, but I have been putting it off. No more "kids" til after Ryne has learned how to use the bathroom on his own, then we can talk about more dogs, cats, reptiles, etc.

[rainsmom]

:OT


Indigo73.....how do you pronouce your dc's name?

[Indigo73]

Ryne rhymes with line.

But a lot of people call him Ryan, including his dad when they are playing. Dh, likes to talk sorta sing song and a one syllable name doesn't work for that. Ryne gets a kick outta that.

[insahmniak]

Anyone have any insights about Triangulation?

Is anyone here struggling with or has anyone here had issues with triangulation? This is a tough area for me and I get kind of anxious just thinking about it.

My DP is a terrific father and partner and I often feel like a fairly weak link. THe issue seems to have everything to do with my self-esteem, which unfortunately suffers in the area of parenting. I'm not as patient, creative, fun-loving, easy-going, etc etc, as my DP.

I love it that he has such good qualities. How do I keep from beating myself up about not having these qualities that I feel are very important for my daughter?

I end up feeling on the outside sometimes, particularly when I see their wonderful, positive interaction. I can't help but think things like, "I never would have thought of that!" or "She laughs more with him because he's so much more easy-going and she can sense that."

Ugh. I wish I could get myself out of myself sometimes. Yet another thing to beat myself up for.

Anyone else have similar struggles? Anyone have any feedback?

[rainsmom]

I know I should be or could be jealous or feel left out when I see dh with dd, but Im not.

My father was pretty vacant, emotionally unavailable to me when I was growing up. It affected all my relationships, esp those with men. It affected my self esteem.....everything. In my opinion, THEE most important relationship for my dd is with her father. And Im lucky that he is an amazing father, partner, everything......and they are SOOO close. And I can already see the positive effects that has on her.

So when I feel left out........or dont get their jokes.......or when she cries for him everyday, asking WHY does he have to go to work....again........I remember that I didnt have that...........and I just feel greatful that she has him and their special relationship.

I think reading some books on father/daughters might help......Reviving Ophelia is one I can think of...and the same authors mother wrote one too that was excellent. Maybe that could give you some insight on the subject.

Hope that helps.

[KylaKay]

I have not had time to read through all the posts, but will make time to do that later.
Dh and I have been married going on 11 years in May, I just turned 32, he will be 39 in June and our dd will turn 3 in a few short weeks. We always at least wanted one, maybe two. Now that we have her, sometimes we can go either way, have another one, not want another...sometimes I just feel the pressure because everyone ELSE thinks it is soooo awful to be or have an "only child". We so enjoy her and waited so long to have her (kinda wished we would have started earlier!). I was one of three, the oldest.............dh was the youngest of 3. My family/siblings was and are very close, he does not talk to his siblings at all really, they just don't bother with each other. I do make an effort to make sure she has friends and when I see her with younger children being such a cute little mama to them, I do get a pang and a second thought or two......but just the three of us just feels so right.
We have an extremely large mutt with aqua-colored eyes, and a beautiful little dwarf bunny, fish and a 13 year old Lovebird dh bought me when we first started dating. :love
I am so glad to see this thread!

[abranger]

i highly recommend the book 'dads and daughters'

[insahmniak]

Thanks for the book recommendations. I know that what I feel isn't logical. It's the emotions that I'd like to get a better handle on. Maybe these books will help.

[rainsmom]

Its logical......its normal.......its real......Its what you feel mama. I think if you read some of the suggested books.....you might just get a different perspective on it.....and feel better about it. Id also find some recomendations on mother/daughter books. Im already getting books on teen daughters etc......preparing for the future. ONe that is really good is MoonMothers, mOon Daughters. A coming of age book.

[callmemama]

My little 4yo is such a sweetie, but he seems to prefer adult company. I make an effort to put us in places with other children (story time, roller skating, dance class). He loves the activities, but by and large he either ignores the other kids or is intimidated by them (we're just not used to loud and rough and tumble). I don't want to push him. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that when he's ready, he'll make friends:)

[karuna]

Yeah, I totally know what you're feeling. My (only 7 month old!) baby seems most days to laugh more, and be generally happy and more free-spirited with her daddy, and it already makes me feel jeaous and insecure (the insecurity thing is OLD news, though!). I have a health condition that keeps me from spending as much time with her as he does, and I can't sleep with her at night, so even though I BF during the day and part of the night, she still often seems more bonded with him. I hate
it, because I am so in love with her, and it feeds into all my bad self-worth issues. Sometimes I hear her laughing so loudly playing with him, and I just cry and feel like a failure.

But then, there are days--sometimes 3 or 4 days at a time--when she really seems so attached to me, cries for him to bring her to me, calms and smiles more in my presence, etc... And I realize everything is impermanent. You might notice times or days when your dc is more attached to you, too. And if not now, then certainly you will in the future.

But I do understand how much it can hurt. I think we just have to trust impermanence, and trust that our love is getting through to them very clearly, through all our imperfections (which our DPs have as well!)

Off Topic:
What does Ohmtaretu mean? (Sanskrit? Pali?)

[Also, I keep seeing it, and keep meaning to ask people, what does NAK stand for?]

[insahmniak]

karuna-
I'm sorry to hear that you have esteem issues. It sounds like you really do understand the feelings I get sometimes. You described them perfectly. I admire my DP so much sometimes that I forget that I have my own valuable qualities, too. That's particularly easy for me b/c I used to get a TON of my esteem from a career I had. Now that I'm home all the time I can no longer rely on that source of good feeling. That's something I really have to work on.

I haven't yet picked up the books that have been recommended here, but they're coming up on my must-read list. I'm hoping this helps.

Something that helps me out is to talk with my DP about how I'm feeling. B/C he doesn't have such issues, he has no idea what I might be going through sometimes. I'm SUPER sensitive about how other people get along, so I'm constantly trying to facilitate relations between DD and DP. I guess I see this as a big part of my job in the triangle: to make sure the other two members are doing well together. And I guess I expect the other two to do the same for me. When that doesn't seem to happen and they just stay focused on each other for what seems like forever :D, I start feeling anxious. I'm working on taking note of the anxiety and just letting it be there, talking to it, reassuring it, etc. And I'm also working on inserting/asserting myself in a gentle and positive way when I feel left out. I know these things may seem very basic to most folks, but they're kinda new to me.

I didn't intend to derail this thread! I thought this might be a common (but dark?) issue for some folks.

Update on our "only" decision: I'm keeping tabs on how I feel about having only one, and the reasons FOR seem more and more compelling every day. Impact on the environment, what I have to offer, my love of quiet and order, and how much I really, really miss time with my DP.

Thanks again for the book suggestions.

("ohmtaretu" comes from "om tare tutare ture svaha" a Buddhist mantra that invokes libration from suffering)

[1xmom]

Hi, I am a single mom with a four year old and she is my only. Although I registered 3 mos. ago, I've rarely had the chance to come here. But I'm looking forward to hanging out more often.

[lunchbox]

I found it! :)

I am a SAHM to Anna Lucille (Lucy) who will be 2 in May.

We feel complete with one. Plus, we feel like its socially responsible.

[pioneermama]

Hi mamas,

We planned on one (and got one wonderful dd) but have recently been chatting about the potential of one more, though our hearts aren't in it which means unless something big shifts dd will be an only.

Anyway, my question is how many of you mamas of onlies are either artistically inclined or scholarly in nature and if yes, do you think this has impacted your decision to have one child at all?

[lunchbox]

I am artistic but I don't think it had any impact on our decision. I would say that DH is more scholarly. Since we both have backgrounds in the environmental field, we are passionate about that stuff and that impacted our decision.

Whenever I pictured the future, it was always DH and I with a little girl. I really feel we are complete.

Plus, it would be impossible to improve on perfection. ;)

[Emys_Mama]

Joining the tribe!

We have a 21 month old dd and we are 99.9% sure she will be our only. My dh is also an only child of an only child father. He thinks being an only is awesome. I just can't see sharing my time with another babe. I want to lavish all my attention on my one dd! Am I being selfish?

Anyway, glad to see this tribe emerging!

[mother_sunshine]

:wave
Hi everyone, I'm joining in late but I just wanted to chime in and say that we're here too. Over the last 7 years I've felt like I had to come up with excuses as to why we have 1 child....but when it boils right down to it, we are a family of 3 simply because we're ALL happy just the way we are. We love our little family!

Dd loves being around people so, if she becomes bored or lonely, she meets her needs by having friends over and/or visiting the neighbors. We have a great neighborhood so she usually has somebody to play with when she wants. And when her bestfriend (also an only) sleeps over, they are both ready to be alone by day 2!

I grew up with a brother 3 years older and I was often lonely. Like someone here said, being lonely and being alone aren't the same.

[katmainomad]

this decision (to have an only) really shows me how different people are. i read posts here in other forums from women who are heartbroken that they have to wait to ttc or are having problems ttc, and not that i can't sympathize, but i am in the 'afraid of getting prego' boat with some of you. i would seriously consider aborting since i am so pleased with just one. it is perfection for my life and i strongly believe it is the responsible thing for this world. and yes, i have a scholarly background and i think that does somewhat influence my decision...the intellectual thought i have put into population, consumption and how my decisions touch the environment. but i also feel complete and right with this one beautiful child, and every stage he passes through i feel 'that was fun, but i never want to do it again'. i have a walking vibrant talking boy now...i don't want another immobile slug again (though i loved him at that stage too). dp is unwilling to snip, so i consider it, but need to research exactly what that would mean for my body...bad things i'm sure, but sometimes i decide to put what i perceive to be good for the whole above what is good for me.

[Dechen]

My 6 month old will probably be an only. My husband was an only and is very comfortable having an only. (He loved his upbringing). I always thought I wanted two, but the entire process of pregnancy -> now has made me strongly favor one.

Unlike many of you, my daughter is NOT easygoing! She was colicky and remains HN, but she is full of spirit and spunk and is larger than life, even at 6 months. I adore her, but don't think I could give her and another what they need. Let alone have any energy left for myself or my marriage.

We do have a good deal of animal life running around my house, so even with only one baby I'm still playing referee. ("Stop barking at the cats." "Stop meowing in the middle of the night for cuddles and waking the baby." Etc etc etc. :bang )

FWIW, the only thing I enjoyed between conception and 3.5 months old was giving birth. I had a rough pregnancy, and a colicky baby, but I LOVED giving birth to her. It was truly magical. :love

[pioneermama]

I thought it might be nice to talk about all the bonuses in having one just. Anyone want to say what they think is great about it?

[mother_sunshine]

For us it means being there for her no matter what, never having to divide our time, never having to miss a game/performance/field trip/etc. There are compromises, of course, that's an essential part of life. But for us it means complete undivided unconditional love. We're a close connected family.
:love

[rainsmom]

I must have lost my subscription to this thread....I didnt get new notices! :(

Anyway, Im an artistic mama.....and I find I definetly benefit from having an only.....time to myself is just mandatory for me, on a regular basis. Dh is great about it and knows Im happier if I just get an hour to myself.

More Positives on having an only: I love being able to be attentive to my dd.....to be aware of her needs and able to meet those needs, having money for private school we are planning on sending her....I just dont get overwhelmed by mothering like I see other moms. I think that could be that I got an easy child this time around....or my age:shy

I get really distressed when I see moms of multiples getting pulled in different directions.....little ones being neglected bc mom has her hands full....it just breaks my heart. I guess its just an issue I have with my own childhood.

[rainbow dancer]

Just discovered this thread.
At 47, dd (7 months) will be our one and only. The advantage I think is to really be able to tune into her needs, to find out who she is, to appreciate every single moment knowing it's not going to ever come back.













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[lunchbox]

Lately, it seems all of my friends IRL and online are pg. I've gotten a little sad lately as Lucy's second birthday draws near. I see her interacting with her stuffed toys and the pets and I think how much she might enjoy a sib. She is so personable and outgoing. I had such a great pg and Lucy was such an easy baby. Sigh.

I do love being able to give her all of my attention. And I love our little family of three (plus two dogs, three cats, and the chickens).

[ajsmom]

We have one son, 3 1/2, I am 45 and waited until I could stay home. I'm not sure I want to nurse a baby when I'm 50... ;)

One of the things I like about having only one is that we can get out of the house more quickly to go do fun things. In general, my friends and relatives with more kids take a long time to get ready to do anything and there always seems to be more gear and stuff involved.

The cost factor is big for us because we are living on one income and probably will for a long time. I wish ds would toilet train soon so we can put that money toward my IRA! He wants to send the money to save cheetahs; maybe we can split it.

Another thing I like about one child is travelling. I have taken ds on 3 plane trips, one 2 week road trip and one train trip alone. I could not do this if we had more children.

I don't yearn when I hold little babies but those 6 month olds are very cute!

[rainsmom]

Yea, most of the moms I know are preg or ttc. Even though dd would do well with a sib, Im 46 now and dh is fixed, so no chance there. Its just starting to get easier........and I love just hanging with dd....shes so fun at this age (3 1/2) While we were at the airport traveling this past week, I saw one mom with 3 kids, and a $hitload of stuff!! IT was unreal!! People were helping her, but still! I dont know if Id attempt one while I still have to lug this big carseat on the plane etc. We were traveling light and it was still a load!

The biggest thing is having time.......like right now......to get on MDC without someone needing my attention.

[Elphaba]

bumping up for the new mamas!

[Mama Faery]

Hi there. :wave This thread was just brought to my attention and it makes me happy. :)
I think I'm a little rare, as I am fairly young (28yo) and just had my first (and very likely only) child, Rowan, in May :love and DH and I are 99% positive that this is our only one. DH is getting a vasectomy this year. He's 27yo.
We have lots of reasons, financial, personal, we had been 90% sure while I was pg, even though I had a very easy pregnancy, thank the god/dess, but then I had a very difficult birth that ended in a c-section and to be honest, I NEVER want to go through that again. :eyesroll I had some pretty serious ppd as well...though that's mostly gone now.
It was solid one night when DH and I were up with our newborn, I in tears with my baby, no sleep, when I looked wearily at DH and said "now imagine doing this with a toddler in the house too!" He said "no way!!". That was it.
I think it's great that so many mamas can do it, but I see just as many who are pulled in 1000 directions and have no time for themselves, much less the brood they're running after! My next door neighbors have *6*. :eek

We want to focus our attention on our one precious babe, we want to be able to afford to raise him well, and, as someone else mentioned above, I'm an artist-creative-mama as well, and I do much better with some time to myself sometimes. We can collect our little one fairly easily and get out the door and well, we know Rowan has our undivided attention!
Anyway, hi. I didn't mean to ramble so long. I'm glad I found this thread.

-Renae :fairy

[insahmniak]

Hi Renae! Thanks for writing about your own path to this place. I really appreciate hearing about what moves other people to abstain from procreating. I feel like I'm awash in unconscious fertility, and hearing your story feels so validating.

We JUST DID The Big V on Friday! We showed up for the appointment to discover that they would only take CASH, and that it had to be paid BEFORE they would even start working on him. So out I ran with the baby to go to the ATM. No luck: $600 is over the daily ATM limit. Okay, inside for a withdrawal. Hey, where's my driver's license? Call partner at Dr's office. Nope, it's not in the diaper bag he has. Drive across town to go home, thinking I might know where it is. Found it. Back to the bank. Out with the money. Back to the Dr's office. Snip snip. Ice it, baby.

I tell you, when I was running into all of those hiccups on Friday, I had to work very hard at not going down the illogical path of "maybe this just isn't meant to be" thinking. I know our decision was the right one for us, though, and so I didn't end up being swayed.

And after the fact I can say that I feel very relieved. Having made the decision and followed through has helped me to treasure every fleeting moment with our ONLY even more. We're not in limbo anymore, thinking about what might be, which helps me concentrate on what is: perfect.

[corwinegall]

I'm new here...I just noticed this thread and I'm glad to see new posts.

My ds is 7 and an only. I am really tired of people telling me why they're having more kids, then asking me if we're going to have more. I never even bring it up-it's like they feel they need to justify it to me. There are actually a lot of positive statistics for only children-and we see it in our ds. Dh is afraid to have more, he says we might not get such a wonderful child next time. If we do have another, I think I'd enjoy it a lot more than if they were closer together. After a 5 year spread they're considered only children-so all of those positive benefits wouldn't be lost :).

[Devaskyla]

Since there were a few other people who weren't sure if they were finished, I figured it was safe for me to chime in. I don't want ds to be an only, I feel so bad for him not having a sib to play with. Dh is an only and is quite happy he never had to have siblings to fight with. I had a sister who I fought with a lot and I'm still glad I wasn't an only child (most of the time!).

The thing is, I keep having miscarriages. I don't know why yet, and I don't know if it's something that's fixable. Ds might end up being an only simply because I can't have another one. :(

I find it interesting that a number of you had c-sections. So did I and for awhile I really did plan not to have another one because I couldn't endure it again. Then I found out about unassisted birth and decided that it would be worth the risk. I know it's actually a lot more common for women who've had a cesarean to choose not to have any more children though. And some of us are forced into it due to the fertility problems. I really feel at this point that I'm not going to be able to have another child. I hope one day I can be as happy about only having one as most of you seem to be.

[ajsmom]

No one asks me this but if they did, I'd tell them what I tell ds, 3 is a magic number. From the Blind Melon song:


Somewhere in that ancient mystic trinity
You get 3 as a magic number
The past, and the present, and the future
Faith, and hope, and charity
The heart, and the brain, and the body
Will give you 3, that's a magic number

It takes three legs to make a tripod or
To make a table stand
It takes three wheels to make a vehicle
Called a tricycle
And every triangle has three corners
Every triangle has three sides
No more, no less, you don't have to guess
Now this three, can you see? It's a magic number

1-A man and a woman had a little baby, yes they did
They were three in the family, that's a magic number

[Mama Faery]

I love that song, it's from Schoolhouse Rocks, right? :D
DH put it on a tape for me, a long time ago.
And now my poor little baby is wailing, and DH doesn't know what to do. :(
Good night...

-Renae

[ajsmom]

Alas, at 45, I never saw this program but I have a dear friend your age who makes great music cds for ds and this song was on one of them.

I checked their website and they have the 1973 series on dvd. It looks fun. Is it worth $45? I ask because ds loves the story of "How we got our own country." After the 4th of July he wanted to know about our country so I started telling him about it. He knows who is on our money so it helps him remember who was the first president, etc.

He turned 4 yesterday and today he seems older! :love What happened? Actually he has been changing a lot lately almost as much as his first year, I think. He is so old and sophisticated for one who still nurses and won't wear underwear or use a toilet! :D

[mother_sunshine]

ajsmom, many libraries have schoolhouse rock tapes to rent (our library rents them for $1/week). Or try Half.com if you want to buy. :)

[ajsmom]

It's funny, whenever I am looking up books on Amazon I also open my library's site too so I can request things. They had Schoolhouse rocks so I requested the multiplication one. I think I'll watch it alone first. Ds doesn't like being bombarded with images like they do on Sesame Street and Zabomafoo. I hope he likes it.

Off topic Mother Sunshine, where do you live? I grew up in Aina Haina and Manoa Valley...going to Maui in May...can't wait!!!

[mother_sunshine]

We're on the Big Island. :)

[sloanv]

It's great to read about all of your thoughts and experiences on this issue. Thanks!

I'm trying to figure it out myself. We have a terrific 4 yr old boy, and at 42, I've had too many miscarriages (well, one is too many). This last one somewhat doused my spark for having another, which we were on the road to doing through adoption. My husband still wants another, and my heart really does, but my head thinks it might seriously be too much for us to handle very well. We don't deal that well with chaos, and I also feel like i do the brunt of work around the house. I am a SAHM, have worked part-time for part of the last 4 yrs, and will be teaching at a university this year, which I am excited about.

I actually wish we could have another (and we could adopt), but I am also really concerned about the stresses on our marriage and our lives if we were to do so. I also worry about my son not having a sibling, *even though* i know that there is no guarantee of that being a happy thing (I dislike my sister quite a bit).

So I would love to hear more from folks about what they do like about having one child, what they miss, and how they deal with people's comments. Just today an aquaintance told me "Oh but they need each other..." about whether to have another child. So much for seeking feedback from her! I guess that tells me what I wanted to hear.

:)

[Mama Faery]

Well, I mentioned before...financially, it made more sense for us to choose to have only one. I want to be a SAHM for the early years of my baby's life, and more than one child would make the IMPOSSIBLE...if I had a second, I would HAVE to go back to work and put him/her in daycare and that'sjust not fair.
A friend of DH's said to me when she found I was pregnant and we only wanted this one, "oh, just wait till you see how much FUN they are, then you'll want more" (she has one and wants more; we see how strained her marriage is just with one child, along with other things) and for the most part, some family & friends laugh us off, like we'll change our minds someday.
(not sure how that'll happen when DH gets the vasectomy! :LOL)
Other reasons for me; having siblings most definitely does not mean they'll be loving playmates; I hardly know my older brother, and my younger brother and I haven't spoken in over 2 years; and when I lived at home, we fought so viciously my mother would throw us outside "if you're going to fight like animals, you can go outside like animals!". :crap I didn't have the best home life either (I was in foster care from the age of 16).

We wanted to focus all our time and attention on one child; he won't lack for playmates, if he wants them; even now we go to mother & baby groups. DH and I would go to the store and see parents with multiple children, and they just seemed so stressed, pulled every which way...and I just don't want to have to do that, to myself or to my son. I also don't want to do the sleepless nights thing with a newborn AND a toddler...I have high respect for moms who do it, but it's not something I think I could handle emotionally. I know my limits, and I am fulfilled with my one child.
As someone else mentioned, we're concentrating on the perfection of every moment of this one child, not thinking of "when we have the NEXT one..." because, he is our ONLY one.

-Renae :fairy

[callmemama]

ajsmom, I love that poem you quoted; I had never heard it before. I'd love to check out Schoolhouse Rocks, but we're planning to homeschool - how schoolish is it?! Ds finally got to ride on a schoolbus (with us) the other weekend - I really hate that they don't have seatbelts (this was a big step for me to "allow" our short ride!) Happy B'day to your little one too!!

sloanv, if it makes you feel any better, I'm an only raising an only:) Dh and I agreed on "one" when we started, then when ds was born, we absolutely fell in love with him and thought maybe we should have another. But we love our ds and our little family of 3 just the way it is! :love At some point I realized the only reason I was considering another child was to give ds a playmate. I decided that was a pretty lame excuse! I must admit, even as he's approaching 5, dh is his favorite playmate, and I run a close second ;)

[ajsmom]

:W and I'll let you know callmemama if it's schooly. We are unschooling ds but if he learns his multiplication tables from this, hey - less work for me! He won't even know what it is anyway, he'll just learn the song and poof!-he'll know 3x3 and 3x4 and and and...

Mother Sunshine - the big island is so beautiful! We finally visited the summer before ds was born. When I was a kid, my parents left us with a sitter or gparent on Oahu while they went to neighbor islands, probably for a break from all of us! :D

Sloanv- I agree with Renae about why we are having an only. We didn't plan on only one but we bought a 700 sq ft house and ds doesn't even have his own room yet. And dh has a long commute so when he's home I must say that one dc is enough for him. I'm sure it has nothing to do with our being 45! :wink The idea of nursing someone when I'm 50 is, well, not what I want to be doing. I'd rather be playing and learning with ds and dh!

[sloanv]

It's great to hear about your experiences and how happy you are having one. Really great! My husband was 6.5 yrs younger than his sister and brother (twins) and didn't like that gap because it was hard to do things together as a family. That would definitely be a concern for us with a minimum 5 yr gap.

It's also good to hear from those of you who didn't plan to have an only but love it, and those of you who did want an only to start with. I love finding people who are happy with one. :love I think on other threads people would be trying to persuade me to have more - that 's what I suspect a lot of Mothering-readers are all for...lots of kids. So it's great to find you women out there. THanks for your good stories.

I do think that adopting would be a great experience, and I have this feeling that there is a little creature out there waiting for us to give him a home. But I also want to do what's best for our family, and right now that seems like THREE. Of us, I mean, not kids!

My mum, who had two, told me that it was hard for her to stop having babies. So I should remember that it will be hard to stop whenever we stop, and so having another won't make that issue go away.

At the same time, it could be easy to stop. Like a lot easier than having another baby! :D

I, too, love being able to have a one-on-one relationship with my ds. I know a woman with twins who laments that she will never have that.

THanks again.

Noah's mum

[mother_sunshine]

ajsmom, it is beautiful. We have family in Honolulu, which is nice to visit, but it's always so nice to come home to the peace and quiet beauty. :love

sloanv, I know what you mean, we couldn't afford for me to stay home another 5 years. Or if I did I know it would put a strain on our marriage. Dh gets really stressed when he is the sole provider. I was supposed to start teaching when dd was 1yr but there was no way I could leave her so I stayed home until she started kindergarten (then I worked PT in her class). I put up with a lot of stress and pressure from DH, I finally had to make it clear that I wasn't leaving dd with a stranger. I know that I wouldn't be as lucky the second time around. When dd weaned, we went through her baby clothes and videotapes and for the first time dd said that she would like a baby brother or sister. I was surprised because up until now she expressed that she didn't. I think she might have been caught up in the moment though, those baby clothes are adorable. We talked about it and how it might affect her life...now she waivers back and forth. But her words ignited a little spark of interest in me to have another. But I'm going to wait several months first to see how I feel then. As time goes by the feeling comes and goes. I know in my heart that we are all 3 happy just the way we are. For one thing, we co-sleep and 3 is so cozy and comforting and it means a lot to dd. We go places together and have fun together. We even surf together! And dd has our complete undivided support and attention. 3 is a wonderful number for us too! So we'll see how it goes, even though another might be a good thing, I want to do what is right for all of us....so we'll probably stay at 3.

[sloanv]

Mother sunshine, thanks for telling me about you. Your experiences resonate with me. I am feeling done with being at home (this year I was at home fully compared to part-time work in the past years, so it felt the hardest to me), but didn't ever feel like I could go to work full-time. And doing so in the future would also strain me and therefore us,( and financially, too).

I had been thinking that if we had a second, I would use more outside care (home daycare or something), and that could be workable. As would having some extra housekeeping help. It does feel like not going there would be a lot more simple and easy, and it would! There is just this little nagging feeling that I'd be missing out on yet another beautiful relationship with a child. And it doesn't help when my husband says things like "I think it would be a lot of fun," or one of my dh or ds says "look at that cute little baby!" I guess I just want my dh to be thinking whatever I happen to be thinking at the same time!

Anyhow - it's helpful to know that others have struggled with these decisions too, and that it's not always easy or clear cut. Thank you so much for listening!!

[rainsmom]

Welcome new moms of onlies to our tribe!

This is my second round of raising an only. My ds is 27yrs old......my dd is 3 yrs old. Ive never regretted my decision......and I know it was greatly influenced by my own family growing up (4 siblings). I know what I can handle in order to be the mom I want to be. Im one of those kinds of people who needs time for myself......in small quantitites, and having one child allows for that when I have a partner who is as involved as I am in childcare.

That said........I attended with dh his high school reunion this past weekend. So many couples were having 3 and 4 kids....... Everyone asked if we were having any more and looked surprised or dumbfounded when I said no. One couple was trying to decide if they were going to have one at all......she really just wanted one, but didnt know if she could wo all the comments. I was happy to tell her my experiences and joys of experiencing parenthood with only one, yet still having time for myself..........and how at some point, family and friends DO accept it.

I guess I find it interesting how some people couldnt imagine just having one, just like I find it interesting how people are considered selfish by having just one or none at all. I think its great to know your limits and needs regarding bringing children into your relationship......bc things DO change when you do.

[callmemama]

Rainsmom, your two onlies reminded me of a woman I met a couple of years ago. She has 3 daughters, each eight years apart! Let's see, I would have to have another child at 48, and another at 56 to achieve that spacing at this point in my life! I don't think so ;)

[onlyzombiecat]

It is good to see other moms of onlies here! :)
My dd is 4 years old and will be our only child. We are very happy with our decision. Our dd is very good at sharing. She is not greedy or as competitive as many children we know with siblings. I think she is a more independant thinker.

We decided not to have another child for a variety of reasons.
Concise answer- we felt one was all we could handle emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially.
Long answer-
I have taken care of multiple children at once and even with just 2 I feel so exhausted and stressed out. I don't feel that with 1 child.
I don't want to go through childbirth again.
Our insurance/financal situation are not the best and we just can't afford additional expenses. We have just enough living space right now.
We are very comfortable as a family of three. It feels right.
We want to be involved parents. We want to do things with our dd. We like not having to divide our time. We feel we can be better parents to 1 child. I enjoy being very close to dd.
We look forward to dd growing up to spend more couple time together. We had dd soon after our marriage and didn't have time with just us for long.
We feel it is easier to take dd places. We take dd to stores, the zoo, wherever we go and we don't have to coordinate schedules or try to pack in more than one car seat.
There are things we want to do that we feel will be easier for us with only 1 child. We want to send dd to college. We want to homeschool dd. We would like to travel.
We are concerned about overpopulation. If we ever feel we have more to give another child we plan to become foster parents or adopt. We are comfortable with those options.
Dh and I both have siblings so we know what that is like. Between us we have 10 nieces, nephews, or siblings under the age of 7 years currently. We enjoy being a part of their lives and having time and energy to give to them also.

It took us 3 years to make our decision permanent. I guess I would advise someone thinking about it to consider it from both sides. Make pro/con lists for each choice to help clarify your feelings and thoughts. Be very very honest with each other. Figure out if you can handle it financially, etc. Borrow another child for a weekend or something to see how you feel taking care of two at once and how you handle it.
It can be tough even if you are sure. More important than the number of children you have is how you parent them.

I haven't read many books about only children but I do know that there is an only child newsletter in addition to some books that have already been mentioned. http://www.onlychild.com/home.html

[callmemama]

I haven't read many books about only children but I do know that there is an only child newsletter in addition to some books that have already been mentioned. http://www.onlychild.com/home.html

Welcome onlyzombiecat! I looked at the website you posted. Does it support attachment parenting? I didn't subscribe, but from the "blurbs" attached to some chapter titles, it sounded like they were pushing independence, as so many mainstream folks seem to think is all-important!

[insahmniak]

Confessions of an Only Child Snob....

Umm...I think I'm approaching OCS status. At public play areas, the most difficult behaviors seem to come from kids who have siblings. If ever my daughter has been pushed or hit or kept from exploring something ("MINE!") the child involved has obviously not been an only. And it's not usually the oldest child who's involved, it's the next-oldest. The only thing I can think of to explain it is a competition for resources that onlies don't experience.

It's getting so bad that when I see other kids in public places I immediately look for siblings -- as a clue to what I might be able to expect. If I don't see any and the parent looks "fresh" (KWIM?), I heave a sigh and feel like I can relax a bit more.

Okay, so I've confessed to some pretty ugly ideas here. Anyone else find themselves doing this? Please help talk me out of it. I'm not getting very far on my own.

[ajsmom]

I never thought ds would say this but he was SO possesive for a few months and is still a bit territorial. He really liked yelling it at one and two year olds at the park about pieces of the structure he was using. Lately he runs the cat out of whatever area he's in saying,"this is my territory!" even when I tell him the cat is 12 and he is 4 and that this is the cat's territory! :D

He also pushed over his one year old friend whom he really loves. Not hard, more like to see what would happen. She hardly noticed but we had a BIG discussion about it before he could return to be with her. He was fine after that.

[kidspiration]

So great to hear about such positive experiences of being parents of onlies.

We are also planning to have one child. It amazes me that people are so quick to disparage our decision.

The "best" response we've gotten so far is "oh, but you'll make such wonderful parents, you HAVE to have lots of babies."

Um...ok.

Mind you we're not even pregnant yet.

The other that has gotten a chuckle out of me is: "but your child NEEDS to have a sibling to LEARN sibling rivalry"

What?

[rainsmom]

Okay, so I've confessed to some pretty ugly ideas here. Anyone else find themselves doing this? Please help talk me out of it. I'm not getting very far on my own.



OMG! That would be me!......I think its really clear I made the right decision, when I call moms of multiples....and cannot carry on a conversation bc of all the noise, fighting, etc.... all the while dd is chasing butterflys in the backyard and Im sipping a cool one. Lifes good.....sometimes you dont know it till its over.....

[amylsp]

Hi, I'm Amy - 43 and mom to my 3 1/2 year old son. Because of age (my DH is 8 years older than I) and financial reasons, we've decided to only have one child. Sometimes I do feel sad about it. Not so much for him now, but when he gets older. Once DH and I pass away, he's not going to have much of an extended family. His cousins on DH's side are much older than he (12+ years), and neither of my brothers are likely to have children. One of my cousins has two girls my son's age. But they live so far away, we're lucky if we can visit once a year.

Mainly, I worry that by the time he's in his 30s or 40s and the older generation is gone, he won't have any extended family that he's close with. That just feels so lonely to me. I guess I just have to hope he marries a girl with a big extended family. :)

[callmemama]

amylsp, those were my concerns for a long time. Even though I'm an only, I had aunts, uncles, cousins ... ds doesn't. But dh and ds are my family, my life. I too hope that someday ds has his own family to love and call his own or at the very least a few very close friends. It seems like there are so many estranged families. Having another child is never a guarantee....imho:)

[CindyC]

Another mama to a likely only...

I had Rachel when I was 41, she is 2 now. Since the day she popped out of me, DH has been asking about another, but I keep telling him no. We are actually in a precarious situation right now financially and DH really wants to get his private practice going. It's just best if we wait a while or just have one baby.

I'm kinda nervous about trying for another. We were so lucky in that we conceived very easily and I had no problems during pregnancy. Labor was only 4 1/2 hours with no epidural. I just feel we would be pushing our luck.

People still ask if Rachel will have a brother or sister. One cousin who is an only actually told me to have another baby. Sigh. Luckily, SIL is an only who is very happy with her childhood. While she and my brother plan to have more children, she would be okay with an only, too.

I used to feel lucky that I had a brother and two sisters as our parents age, etc. But the truth is, one sister doesn't talk to me and we have to make a special effort to see my other siblings. I see/talk to my friends more often. How common is this?

It also seems strange that DD only has two aunts, three uncles, and three cousins so far. I counted them years ago, but I think I have more than 70 first cousins.

mother_sunshine: We love the Big Island! We're going for the 3rd time next February. :)

[Mona]

i was so adamently happy about only having one until just a short while ago. i still feel that we'll only have one, or if we do have more it won't be for awhile. but sometimes i wonder if it is the right thing for dd.

i wonder if parents of onlies do more extracirricular activities- playgroups and what not.

:scratch

[mother_sunshine]

I second what callmemama said. I have a brother and some cousins, none of whom I am close to. I see them maybe every 2 years at the most and even then it feels like "work" to visit with them. My DH has a brother and a lot of cousins (his grandmother was one of 6) but he isn't close with any of them, not even one. And he hasn't seen his brother in over 7 years (they just don't like each other and never have). Dh's Mom has 1 sister whom she has always battled with and has never been close to. My Mom has 1 brother whom she has never been close to. And recently when my Grandmother got ill and passed away all they did was fight and bicker as to what to do with her and all her belongings.

So my point is that having more children does not guarantee happiness nor closeness with relatives in the child's future (unless they are lucky enough to have one of those wonderfully close families that I've only seen in movies and read in books). The beauty of choosing our own loved ones is just that, we choose each other. You don't have to be blood-related to have family. We have friends who are like family, just closer in heart and mind. :love

[mother_sunshine]

I forgot to add that I did recently go through a very brief period of wanting another child. It was right after dd weaned and we went through her baby clothes. But when I thought I was pregnant I experienced this terrible feeling of sorrow and loss. It just didn't feel right. I knew that my close relationship with dd would change, and that made me feel so sad. So when I found out that I wasn't pregnant I knew that another child would not be the right choice for us as a family. We would have survived just fine if I was, but I am so glad that I wasn't. We are all happy and we want to keep it that way.

Just like dd said the other day (when listening to School House Rocks Multiplication)...."Hey Mama, 3 is a magic number, just like you me and Daddy". :D





BTW, :wave CindyC :)

[**guest**]

I'll hop on board of the onlies. It's a long story but I was told by more than one doc that I probably couldn't get pregnant. So, ds was a HUGE surprise. Ds's father (my boyfriend at the time) was not happy about it all and I ended up single (and homeless!) while pregnant.
I'm almost 38 and ds is almost 2. Even though I long to have a little girl, I know that ds will most likely be an only child. It does make me sad that he won't have a sibling. And, oh yeah, I certainly get baby fever. But, with no man in sight, no money in sight, chances are slim for another child.
I do wish things were different though.

Michelle- Did i read that right...Did you bf for 7 1/2 years? wow!

Hugs,
Liz

[mother_sunshine]

Hi Liz, Yes it's true. We went the child-led route and I couldn't be prouder. :love

[beetledance]

How is it that I didn't know about these forums before?

I've really enjoyed reading the posts here - my ds is 3 and it looks as if he will be our only one. Not by plan, really, just that (as someone else said) the 3 of us just feels right. My dh and I both need lots of quiet and alone time. Throwing another kid into the mix just seems like it would tip my life over the edge into chaos! Not only that but there are marital stresses and financial constraints already...there are just so many sound reasons for us to stop here. Still, I have a real hard time parting with the baby clothes!

As for my family, I have one sister (not so dear) who I talk to occasionally - we are too different to really get along. DH has two bros, they get along ok, better than they used to (he says they fought viciously while growing up).

I have watched my mother go thru many ordeals with her siblings. My Grandfather recently passed away after a prolonged period of ill health; 98% of his care fell to my mother even though she has 3 sibs (2 in the same town as her)! Not only did they not help, but actually caused more stress by criticizing the difficult decisions my mom had to make (like putting him in a care facility, which she hated to do). I don't necessarily buy the argument that "family is there for you when no one else is". If she had been surrounded by supportive friends through this, instead of siblings with emotional baggage, it would have been easier on her.

So, I second what mother sunshine said, about having siblings not guaranteeing closeness. I also believe that choosing my own "family" will be the best way for me (and my ds) to find the connection and support that we all need.

I'm glad to have found this discussion!
Brenda

[Zach'smom]

I wish I had found this earlier! I feel guilty a lot about having an onlie. My DS i just turned 3 and everyone has been asking when we are having another. The truth is I would love another! BUT, it app