Postpartum "help" from Dh - not so helpful

[Surfacing]

I need to vent and ask for ideas on how to communicate with dh and keep things under control in the early postpartum. Dh's help sometimes creates new problems and is not exactly helpful.

After the birth of dd#1, dh was supposed to help tube feed her while I pumped (after we tried bfing and she wouldn't suck or latch on, and mightily refused the breast). Except that he wouldn't let me sleep, but kept interrupting me and asking for my help because he found it too hard to do by himself. "You're better at this," he'd say. And since he was labelled as a kid with fine motor skill problems, he'll say now as an adult decades later that he can't do stuff. But I wonder if it's just an excuse, YK?

He helped at night while I pumped--he would feed her--so I could sleep between pumping (except that I couldn't so well because of nerves, anxiety, etc.). But then he stayed up all night though playing on the computer between her feedings and then slept during the day. So he helped but in other ways he didn't really help, KWIM?

This time will be very different, I know. He won't be off work for a long time after babe is born, just 2 wks. We already have a 2.5 y.o. to take care of and she'll need some nighttime attention while I attend to the newborn. Sigh.

I'm just nervous because although dh is "there" and "helps", he doesn't really give me the help I need at times. For example, nowadays (I'm due in 2-4 wks) I've been asking him to install the baby carseat and do a few other things. Sure sure, yeah yeah, he promises but doesn't do. And he doesn't drive. Sometimes I feel like he's another kid and I can't rely on him when I'm really down and out.

Sorry to rant and be so negative. There are many ways that he DOES help and I can rely on him for some things. Just bugs me that sometimes he really seems to miss the boat, be clueless, and sort of self-sabotage so I'll just take over and not really get his help. KWIM? I need to communicate with him better about those needs in the postpartum and now I suppose. Any suggestions? TIA

[tessamami]

I mean I think you just have to accept the fact that he just isn't capable of helping in the way that you need. Maybe you could plan on having someone come either in the 2 weeks, or just after. . . .
I used a wonderful postpartum doula. She made a few meals, did a few dishes, swept the floor, went grocery shopping, and generally was very helpful. . . .

[Surfacing]

I mean I think you just have to accept the fact that he just isn't capable of helping in the way that you need. Maybe you could plan on having someone come either in the 2 weeks, or just after. . . .
I used a wonderful postpartum doula. She made a few meals, did a few dishes, swept the floor, went grocery shopping, and generally was very helpful. . . .

Yes I think you're right - I do have to accept that he isn't there quite in the way I need. It's a little unnerving though because I realize I can't quite rely on him completely during a very vulnerable time. OTOH it's just life. My mother has often found this during her marriage and you just have to find other alternatives.

I do have a doula and have asked for some postpartum support. I guess I should just make sure I take the help I can get. Also, last time I didn't communicate what I needed enough to dh I think, I just let things be and swallowed things. This time Mama needs to open her mouth and SPEAK! :lol

It's not fair, I don't mean to bash dh - he really is a wonderful husband. But I have some reservations and am trying to think ahead. Thanks for your input.

[pbjmama]

Thinking ahead is smart. It sounds like he is pretty passive aggressive. Have you tried different phrasings? Like if you are saying, I need you to install the car seat maybe you could change that to, it would really be helpful if you install the car seat?

[Surfacing]

Thinking ahead is smart. It sounds like he is pretty passive aggressive.

Oh. My. Gosh. He is TOTALLY passive aggressive. That is one of the most frustrating things about him. :hopmad But I have to accept, realize and move ahead, even without him. It's just too bad and erodes trust some. OTOH, maybe I expect too much from him? Anyway, I have found it to be more helpful to be direct so there's no question about whether I'm asking him to do something or not, otherwise it's like a shot in the dark...he won't pick it up, he won't get it. Is that phrasing you suggested a tried and true way to deal with someone who is passive aggressive? :lol Just wondering.

[smeisnotapirate]

Oh. My. Gosh. He is TOTALLY passive aggressive. That is one of the most frustrating things about him. :hopmad But I have to accept, realize and move ahead, even without him. It's just too bad and erodes trust some. OTOH, maybe I expect too much from him? Anyway, I have found it to be more helpful to be direct so there's no question about whether I'm asking him to do something or not, otherwise it's like a shot in the dark...he won't pick it up, he won't get it. Is that phrasing you suggested a tried and true way to deal with someone who is passive aggressive? :lol Just wondering.

As the wife of a passive aggressive DH, I use the "profuse thanks" method. I'll ask him to do something, then the next time I see him (regardless of whether he's done it or not) I thank him a lot (and it has to be genuine) and ask if there's anything I can do for him to repay him. He gets all stuttery, says no, and then it gets done!

Hope this works with yours. :lol

[dirtgirl]

I really hear you on this, as my dh and I sometimes have a similar dynamic. first, I would highly recommend hiring a postpartum doula if you can swing it. One of the roles of a pp doula is to model for the dad how to be helpful for the mom, and also to check in with him about what is going on for him. Often with passive aggressiveness, there are underlying emotions that aren't being addressed. I would also suggest that if you ask for something, try to be specific. Such as "can you install the car seat after dinner tonight".

Another thing I would recommend is to try to focus on the ways in which your dh is helpful, rather than the ways he isn't. You can work on your communication, but try and remember to always acknowledge the positives!

[Surfacing]

I agree that acknowledging the positives is absolutely necessary. Re-reading my original post I think gee, I was really speaking from anxiety there....I had dd#2 a month ago and we did have lots of postpartum help. Dh totally stepped up all that he could and has been fantastic ever since. He has always been devoted to our family and helpful, just not always in the way I've wanted. I've learned to ask him to spread his energy differently and he's seeing that sometimes it's necessary.

We have been communicating more about things so that's good. Thanks for the suggestions here.