Another Death in the Family

[Cedarah]

I posted in the Parenting Issues Forum last week that my Grandfather had passed away. He was almost 100 years old and while it is a relief that he isn't suffering anymore, I will also miss him more than words can say.

A few years ago I was a person who could say she hadn't been touched by death much. Then my Grandma suddenly died on Christmas Eve. My Mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in the next month. She died almost five years ago. Then my father died a year and a half ago, and although I hadn't seen my abusive father for years, his death still marked the end of something. Sort of the final statement that I would never have what I had never had.

And now my Grandpa.

I am in my mid-30's and all of my family that I was close to is gone. I never got to say, "I'm pregnant!" to my mom. My Grandfather was too old and infirm to really be a part of my life.
It is lonely. And grief follows me around. I'm kind of embarrassed by how the grief still hangs on -- it seems there is so much expectation in our society to move on. But the thing is, there are so many things that bring the grief back up again, over and over.

I think I need to get into some counseling. I've really become paranoid about dying myself and leaving my daughter without her mother. My eyes have been opened that tragedies happen all of the time.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting. Anyone feel anything similar? How do you integrate these losses into your life? What do you do to work with your grief? Anyone very afraid of dying and leaving your children?

[lisamarie]

My heart goes out to you. It can be so hard when there are multiple losses.

After my dh died, I was so, so scared and anxious about myself and my ds dying. It seemed like it consumed my thoughts. My ds and I attended a family grief and loss group and hearing that other people feel this same exact way, really helped me feel that I wasn't alone. One thing that I have done, to make myself feel better, is that I updated my will, bought life insurance and set up a saving account for my ds. In my will and other documents, I also wrote him a letter in case I pass away. In the letter I tell him all my thoughts, joys, concerns and what I hope for him for the future and how much he is loved. Doing "something" and writing to him, really helped me. I know that I can't control my own destiny, but I have peace. I still sometimes worry (especially after 9/11), but I know its normal and I'm not alone.

The group therapy and indivdual counseling really helped. I've done alot of reading on grief and loss and writing in a journal has also helped. Coming here to the boards and supporting each other, has also been healing.

I hope this has helped some. Please take care of yourself.

Hugs~

Lisa:love

[saige]

I second the counselling.It is soooo important to talk about these things,or they stay with you forever.My best friend (my whole life ) died when I was 14,followed by a boyfriend who hung himself when I was 16,followed by 10 more friends and family members in the next 4 years.I felt like I lived in the frikin funeral home.It got pretty bad with me,and I'm just now dealing with it all.How much better it would have been if I'd learned how to deal with those emotions earlier on.

By the way-I'm so sorry for both of your losses,may you find peace and healing.

[Cedarah]

Thank you both so much for your replies. I'm so, so sorry for both of your losses.

Lisa -- I've been thinking a lot about getting things set in my will, etc. just in case. I've got a mental block about doing it though as it is so hard to choose who will take care of our dd if we pass on. Our IL's are out of the question. Rationally, I know that we *have* to do this! After I get back from the funeral, I am publicly (sp?) committing myself to doing this. Hold me accountable, mamas! I'm also in the PNW -- do you have a lawyer you'd recommend that isn't terribly expensive? (You could PM me if you don't want to post their name.) What books have you read that you found to be helpful? I have one that I can't seem to progress through -- Life is Saying Hello, Life is Saying Goodbye. I read Motherless Daughters. That was a good overall experience, however, it also seemed to just churn things up mightily for me. It did help me to recognize that some of my grief has to do with my mother becoming mentally ill when I was a young child and how she subsequently stopped taking care of us. She was here still in body, but gone in so many other ways.

Saige -- I'm speechless at the losses you described experiencing as you came of age. :-( Other than counseling, what got you through it? Any advice on finding a "good" counselor for grief issues? I have been seeing someone off and on in the last two years, whom I saw regularly several years ago for other issues and he helped me SO much with other stuff, but he can't seem to understand the grief stuff I'm experiencing and how it plays into my sense of myself in the life cycle, my role as a parent, etc. I'm really leary of finding a new counselor as I don't have a lot of money to spend on this and don't want to waste it on a non-productive counseling experience.

Thank you both again for talking with me about all of this. It is much appreciated.

Cedarah

[lisamarie]

Cedrah~

I will dig out some of my books and post their names and titles this weekend. Also, where are you in Washington??? I can also give you the name of the attorney who did my will. But, I also have a will software program and if you want a copy, let me know. I didn't use it because of the messiness w/my late husband's family and I had already had a will made up by this attorney prior to my new one.

Will keep in touch~

Lisa

[Greaseball]

I'm not so much afraid that I will die, I'm afraid that dh and/or dd will die. Every time dh goes for a drive on the freeway I'm afraid he will die, even though I drive on the freeway all the time and am not scared to, and I don't actually know anyone who has died on the freeway.

I check dh and dd several times a night to see if they are breathing.

[Cedarah]

Originally posted by lisamarie
Cedrah~

I will dig out some of my books and post their names and titles this weekend. Also, where are you in Washington??? I can also give you the name of the attorney who did my will. But, I also have a will software program and if you want a copy, let me know. I didn't use it because of the messiness w/my late husband's family and I had already had a will made up by this attorney prior to my new one.

Will keep in touch~

Lisa


We are outside of Seattle. We have kind of a sticky situation too and I think I'd like to go with a lawyer just in case. Thanks so much!

That will be great to see your book recommendations! Thanks!

[Cedarah]

Originally posted by Greaseball
I'm not so much afraid that I will die, I'm afraid that dh and/or dd will die. Every time dh goes for a drive on the freeway I'm afraid he will die, even though I drive on the freeway all the time and am not scared to, and I don't actually know anyone who has died on the freeway.

I check dh and dd several times a night to see if they are breathing.

ME TOO!

So see, I have the fear of myself dying, AND my DH and DD!

I'm soooooo healthy! :rolleyes:

But seriously, I hope we both get some peace. It is so hard to live this way. (((((((BIG HUGS))))))) to you!

Cedarah

[lisamarie]

My dh rides motorcycles and I have no problem w/it. But, if he goes on a long streetbike ride, I get anxious. I run everything through my mind~I'm getting better but I still do it.

And w/my ds~I check on him too, to make sure he is breathing, etc. at night. One morning, he woke up before me and was SO quiet in the bathroom. So, I went into his room and he wasn't there. I truly thought someone had taken him. I was running all around the house calling for him. He then, just came out sleepy eyed from the bathroom!

I know in my head these fears are normal and natural, but in my heart I feel something different.

Warmly~

Lisa

[lisamarie]

Cedarah~

I can understand why you want to go w/an attorney~that's why I did. I think I paid $170.00 for my will. I used Clint Johnson, in Lakewood/Tacoma area. His phone # is: 253-581-0660.

Some books, two in particular, that I have found helpful are: "Guiding Your Child Through Grief" and "How to Survive the Loss of a Loved One". I checked out tons of books from the library and through our grief and loss group.

Sending you healing hugs~

Lisa