amnio death

[asherah]

A horrible thing happened to a friend of mine.
She was 15 weeks with a seemingly normal pregnancy when she went in to have an amnio.
The baby's heartbeat stopped during the test.
They kept her on the ultrasound machine on and off for most of the day.. the heartbeat flickered faintly a couple of times but then never came back.
Her Dr. says the baby was never poked with the needle.. and did not have an explanation for what happened.
I am 8 1/2 months pregnant myself.. so I not only feel sorrow for her and her loss... I just feel devastated to hear such a thing in my own, vulnerable state. I usually stay out of this forum because while I admire the strength and courage of those of you who have suffered losses, it is just too painful for me to hear right now.
Have any of you ever heard of such a thing happening?
What does she need me to do for her/say to her.. and will it upset her to see my big, round belly?
Advice, please.

[asherah]

gosh, should I not have posted this here?
I see people looking but no replies..
I am sorry if this is in the wrong place or I said something wrong.
I am just so heartbroken and confused. And I don't want to say or do the wrong thing.

[4cuddlebugs]

My water broke at 19 wks, the hospital offered to terminate the pregnancy but we refused believing it was not our choice. My baby died and was delivered at 22 wks. She had not grown or developed since my water broke. This was in Nov. 1996.
I will be honest and tell you that the hardest thing in the months afterward was seeing pregnant women, and at the timethey seemed to be EVERYWHERE! I would see pregnant ladies and/ or
newborns and just feel sooooo empty and alone.

If you can direct her to look around for websites or support groups to talk about it with others who are going through similar losses. I know it helped me ALOT to know that I was not alone, and that others understood my loss. Otherwise, it will take time. I would expect her to be somewhat distant from you as you represent what was taken from her. Remember to be patient and let her vent if she needs to.
I would like to send a BIG (((HUG))) to both of you! I know the aching she is feeling, just love her and give her time.
I feel for her, and I will send love and white light out in hopes that it may bring what she needs to heal.

Love to both of you in this difficult time,

Kelli

[AmyG]

The best thing you can do is really to say you're sorry. Don't try to elaborate, because it's impossible to know what she's feeling. I had people tell me, "I know this doesn't make you feel any better, but it happened for a reason." Well if it doesn't make me feel any better don't tell me that!

I would guess that she's probably feeling guiltly since most women do when they lose a baby, and since an amnio is usually optional. Now isn't the time to talk her out of it. There are lots of women out there who have lost babies all kinds of different ways. They're the ones who should really try to help her. I know that sounds rude, but really it is something you have to go through to understand. You obviously care about your friend, and you don't want to say anything that will make her feel worse.

Yes, it will hurt her to see you pregnant. I would call her and see if she wants to see you. Sometimes she'll be able to handle it and sometimes she won't. But the fact of the matter is that you can't help that you're pregnant and deep down she knows it, so she will get over that part. Try not to be too obvious about being pregnant, but on the same side of the token, don't try to act like you're not.

I know that I gave you a long list of don'ts and not many do's, but there really isn't much that you can do to help. What helped me most (at least, from people who hadn't been there) was just an "I'm sorry" and "I'm praying for you." The people who tried to do more usually ended up hurthing my feelings more. The good news is that I've forgiven them now that the worst is over, and she will too, but it's best to try to avoid it all together.

[Jacque Savageau]

asherah,

You're definitely in the right place. So sorry, I read your post earlier, then got sidetracked before I could respond.

What a kind and compassionate friend you are. Caring so deeply about her feelings. I understand you not coming here while going through a pregnancy. There have been times I was too overwhelmed with happened to me that I had to focus on what was happening then. Like when I was pregnant with my two living kids. I had a hard time re-visiting my grief.

I think that's perfectly ok, we're drawn to what's important to us at that time. I'm glad this forum exists for people when they need it - like you do now.

Though I've never heard directly of an amnio causing a baby to go into distress, I can see how it's possible. Either way, it seems like a situation that your friend will never have a direct answer to. This alone will cause so many difficult emotions. Since part of the grief process is searching. We want answers, especially in a situation like this.

I was a lot like Kelli, I saw pregnant woman wherever I went and it was very difficult. I didn’t attend baby showers for many years. Some people understood, many didn’t.

Kelli, I’m so very sorry for you and the baby you lost. What a heartwrencing experience – please know your in my thoughts. Thank you for your honest and heartfelt information – asherah, as the mother of a ‘spirit child’ I think Kelli described how we feel beautifully. Your friend is going to go through so much over the next year.

I’ll add to Kelli’s suggestions; talk to her about the baby – ask her hopes and dreams call the baby by name if she has one (or suggest she give it one). Don’t be afraid of her tears – you're not causing them and they'll help her.

You may want to recommend a few organizations for women who’ve lost children. I found the following extremely helpful. Don’t assume that she wants to be alone – ask her if you think you’re bothering her – most women won’t come to you.

SHARE - www.nationalshareoffice.com - support for woman who have lost a child
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center - www.pilc.org - support for woman who have lost a child
Bereavement Magazine - http://www.bereavementmag.com/ - lots of resources

I also have a lot of books if you want some recommendations, please let me know and I’ll either pm you or post them here.

Grocery Store Grief

Her still-swollen belly,
once holding life,
now holds nothing,
and she grieves.
No one seems
to understand.

Strangers stare and
exhcange glances
as she struggles
to fight back her tears,
but finally surrenders
to the pain.

Her cries
shatter the quiet
of the aisles
filled with jars
of baby food
she'll never buy.

She wonders if the pain
will ever end.
But, most of all,
she wonders "Why?"
and knows life will never
be the same again.
--By Debbie Dickinson

[jordmoder]

thank you for being such a good friend.

This may seem like a long time from now, and you'll obviously be busy with a new little one, but when September rolls around (or her due date) it may be important to her for people to remember that she would have had a baby right around then. Anniversaries can be very painful, but also potentially healing.

And this may not be her path, and probably not something to bring up to her now, but a friend of mine whose baby died from an amnio accident (they broker her water) was pregnant again in 3 months ... her daughter is now almost 2 1/2.

and take care of yourself, too, asherah

Barbara

[asherah]

Thanks so much for the words of wisdom- as usual I have found sanctuary and help on these boards.

I am still wordless myself from the pain, so I truly cannot imagine what she is going through. I would never presume to tell her I could. I just want to support her.

I go to the same OBGYN practice as she does and all the midwives and Docs are devastated, too.

So so sad.