Cross posted in Gentle Discipline

Dar!!!! Unschoolma!!!!!!
hey!

Where are you two~!??!@?!?


My 13 (almost 14) year old and I (and his Dad) got into it big time today!

He flat out refused to help with chores. He told me NO!

So we argued and yelled......

And I ended up holding him.... and hugging him and telling him that I knew what he wanted. That I knew he needed more control. I told him I knew that he needed to feel like he was treated fairly (compared to his 12 year old sister and 10 year old brother). I held him tight (he struggled against me) and told him he meant more to me than life and that all I wanted for him was happiness! We bonded during those 10 minutes!

And then - 3 hours later - he is back at it and hating us. And screaming. And refusing to cooperate and help with family stuff!

Help Me! He is so mad. He rages against me.

{{{{Hugs}}}} I am thinking that maybe a 13-14 year old boy is like an 11-12 year old girl, maybe, in terms of hormones and puberty and growing up stuff... that's when Rain had those kinds of overwhelming emotions that just didn't seem to be very connected to what was happening... it was coming from inside her.

Regardless, I think sometimes it's best to just let go of as many expectations as you can and focus on bonding... sometimes I chose to think of Rain as "ill," and treat her as I would if she had a long-term physical illness... gently, giving her time to heal, and just focusing on keeping her calm soothed.

(I think Rain used the same trick with me during my recent bout with depression, too)

I would talk to him, too, about how you think he might be feeling, and about how confusing it can be when you have really strong emotions like that... and talk about some things that he might do to soothe himself, too. Sometimes playing video games worked here...

And you take care of you, and talk to people who will support you, and listen to you...

Dar

That sounds very heartwrenching and frustrating. It sounds like he is riding a bit of an emotional hormonal rollercoaster, and when that happens the family goes along for the ride too. I know it's probably not very comforting to hear right now, but the fact that you feel/experience his ups and downs this way says a lot about how attentive and present you are for him. I have seen parents that just refuse to discuss or be involved for a hormonal pre-teen or teenager. You're there for him, however sucky things may currently be, and he knows it even if it doesn't seem that way.

Is this a newer thing for him... this attitude or level of emotion? My Dd went through a super emotional phase around the middle of her 13th year. Boy was that a wild ride LOL. We know all about girl hormonal cycles, but I think we sometimes (though unintentionally) forget that boys have a lot of changing going on around these years too. When he's not pissed is he able to see his rage at all? When Dd would calm down after a melt down she was often able to say "Wow, that was totally wierd. What was that all about? Why am I doing that?" I didn't always have an answer for her, but I thought it was good that she could see it and talk about it. Has he said what he is feeling angry about specifically?

It might sound totally crazy but I'd leave the chore thing alone for a bit. I am with you on the "everyone here should pitch in" thing, and my family does mostly that. However, if it's adding to the drama and the tension, I'd let it fade for awhile to focus on your connection with him being healthy. Also, maybe you can talk to him about ways to be mad- really mad even- without being lost in rage and failing to communicate. Is there anything he is willing to do when he is mad until he can come back and talk about it? Let me tell you, when I am mad I can have such a sharp tongue... I force myself to shut it for awhile! LOL Dd will go to her room and turn her music up, and I know to leave her alone for awhile.

I think for me a part of this age with the kids, esp Dd, was to realize that my relationship with them was changing because they were changing. (Of course we're all always changing, but teens just do it a little more in your face lol) I'd occasionally find myself having a moment where I'd think "Where is my daughter? Who is this person?" And then I would remember that my daughter is a person (duh lol) and that she's got lots of new things going on in her body and mind. I just try to keep up...

*Talk about the chore thing, but don't let it be the mountain you die on

* Talk about anger and expression and respect when you're both calm

* Make sure he knows he's hormonal not crazy lol

* Find time for fun reconnection after a total meltdown (Sounds like you've been doing that already though.)

Hang in there!