Dh not attracted

[Surfacing]

Dh is not attracted to me *that way* when I am big and PG. It's been eons since we've DTD or even had close physical contact and I'm frustrated. It makes me feel huge and unattractive. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets all defensive, says he can't help it that he's not attracted at that point (from second trimester on). He doesn't like to feel inadequate that he's not stepping up.

I tell him it's fine for him to have his feelings and reaction, many men feel as he does. But I haven't stopped being a sexual person and my feelings haven't gone away. I feel frustrated and powerless and totally unsexy. What, I'm not supposed to tell him about it because it makes him feel bad? So just pretend everything is fine and suffer silently?

This sometimes puts a strain between us and affects my patience with parenting. Anybody else? What do you do about it? How do you get over it?

I feel like our communcation on this sucks as we both just sit in our camps across from each other and that's it. Duh. Must be missing something. :lol

[firespiritmelody]

I don't have any great words of advice for you at this point, but just wanted to give you a :Hug You'll get through it!

[treehuggermama]

My dh voiced similar feelings the first two pg's and it is hard not to feel resentful. He was also worried about "hurting" the babies/pg. Now ironically with baby #3 he tries to start things and I am just too uncomfortably huge/not interested, so he jokes that he is celibate until next summer! He was just never one of those guys that got into how beautiful my wife looks carrying my baby types. I just console myself with the fact that once I am up to it post partum our intimate life is usually even better then it was before :)

:Hug I know it is hard.

[Surfacing]

After dd#1 was born I had postpartum mood issues and our intimate interactions never did resume quite the way they had been before. Now Mommy is on a very helpful medication which the whole family is overjoyed about, and sees benefits from, and perhaps this postpartum dh and I will again resume with joy those activities. Sigh. We'll see. Thanks for listening, just sucks. It'll pass. :)

[KatWrangler]

I'm not sure what to tell you. :hug My husband loves me/attracted to me when I am thin, when I am fat, non pregnant and when I am pregnant. I just don't get guys that use pregnancy as an excuse. I can see if he feels he is hurting the baby (which is still a bogus excuse), but still.

I am sorry your husband is being this way.

[Surfacing]

I know, there are some men at work who have made it quite clear that they still find me attractive.....just too bad it ain't my hubby! Oh well. I figure if the tables were turned, and he had desire but I didn't, I wouldn't want to be pushed to do something I didn't want to do. Just have to handle this with some maturity and keep a good stockpile of batteries! :lol :thumb

[rubyeta]

When i was 8 mos pg with my dd, my dh said "there is a time and place for sexy and this is just not it". This time he claims that he feels totally different this time. I just have a hard time letting go of that comment. I know how you feel, it is no fun. (my dh is a wonderful loving man)

[Surfacing]

My midwives were encouraging and joking DTD right now as I am so close to my due date. But dh is unwilling to participate. My MW talks about how good the oxytocin is, etc. But I feel so unattractive and low about myself - not confident, sexy and oxytocin laden! I feel powerless and helpless to get a little lovin', to get that oxytocin going. I ain't gettin' it going with my spouse! I wonder if that will affect my birth and breastfeeding again.

You know, I'm at the point where I am considering telling dh I don't want him at this birth. I know that he would think I'm being overly dramatic and he'd be angry/upset, but I feel like sexuality is such a personal part of me, and if he doesn't want to share it with me all these months, why should I have him there when I am dealing with it in such a personal, intense way? KWIM?

[mamatosaskia]

Hi,

Just thought I would chime in and tell you that you are not alone in this! AND I don't think it means that there is anything wrong with your dh. When I was pg with my first child, dh and I had sex ONCE!! Part of that was my own apprehension (I had placental problems and I was freaked out about bleeding). Dh told me repeatedly how beautiful he found me, but that he just wasn't turned on by my pregnant belly. I was devastated! I remember crying in the shower one day and feeling like he had fallen out of love with me. The thing is, he was super affectionate with me during that time. We cuddled a lot, kissed, etc. We just didn't have sex. You hear a lot about how turned on women get during their pregnancy and some men just LOVE pregnant women, but mine wasn't one of them.

We talked a lot about it during that time and it seems that a lot was going on with dh. He was adjusting, just as I was, to the concept of what a child was going to mean to our family. After dd was born, our sex life certaintly hasn't returned to what it was before dd was born (nursing, sleepless nights, etc.) but it did return to a normal frequency that we are both comfortable with.

The whole point of this note is to say that you should talk it over with your dh and see what other things might be going on. Men go through just as many changes and emotional upheaval when a baby is on the way. I bet it would help for him to express some of this. Also, if you happen to have the Dr. Sears book on pregnancy, check it out for some talk about sex during pregnancy. He also talks about how some couples stop having sex, and it is normal!

Good Luck!
J

[Surfacing]

I realize this is not an isolated incident, that other husbands feel the same way. But as much as he is entitled to his feelings about it, so am I. And it's okay if we're both okay with it, but I still want to have sex. I am not happy with hardly ever or never having sex. I am not happy with dh m-bating to porn on the internet and not finding me attractive. Your dh told you repeatedly you were still beautiful, etc. Mine didn't/doesn't.

[AKA_PI]

Just wanted to add my two cents from the August DDC. I totally don't feel sexy and don't feel as though he still finds me attractive as the women with the flat stomachs now. :( It's frustrating but I would suggest getting an electrical friend for yourself in between times and consider counseling. Just another avenue to explore on ways of really talking about both of your feelings at this point.

[Surfacing]

Darling I sure do have an electric friend! :lol

Actually dh and I had a long talk about this. We are spending much more time connecting intimately but in a non-sexual way -- doing skin-to-skin hugging and spooning, talking, massage. I also realize that I have to either be the aggressor more or let it go.

Anyway, it's almost over. I'm about to have this baby.

It helps that I got new batteries. :thumb

[3cuties]

I am so sorry. I wish I had great words of wisdom. I just wonder how these men will feel as their wives age - -and their bodies change normally with the age process? I think this is a problem within them and they need to address it. Just my opinion though.


I realize this is not an isolated incident, that other husbands feel the same way. But as much as he is entitled to his feelings about it, so am I. And it's okay if we're both okay with it, but I still want to have sex. I am not happy with hardly ever or never having sex. I am not happy with dh m-bating to porn on the internet and not finding me attractive. Your dh told you repeatedly you were still beautiful, etc. Mine didn't/doesn't.

You are right on about this. You should be okay with it. :(

[ccasanova]

*hugs* to you for having to go through this. I wish I had some better advise for this but I don't. Dh has been attracted to me 'in that way' from day one no matter what was going on with my body. If I were in your shoes though, the only thing I would do is tell him how bad it makes me feel that he does not see me as an attractive/sexual person when I'm pregnant. Oviously I am if I got pregnant right? I would try and make him see that he is the one causing this pain and that it makes me feel the way you said you feel when he rejects you in that way. If anything I would think that he would make love to me because he loves me. I would probably also ask him how he would feel if I rejected him because something was going on with his body that he had no control over. Say he had some kind of accident where he couldn't move much and gained a lot of weight because he was restricted of much movement. Would it not hurt him that I didn't want him in that way because he was a little chunkier? If you don't want him at the birth I would think you have that right. He might think your overreacting, but maybe it would make him see how big of a deal it is to you. If you don't mind me asking what is he doing during all these months if he is not making love to you?

Editing because I just saw what your dh *is* doing if not making love to you. And that is totally not ok IMHO. How can he be m-bating to a fake image on a computer screen instead of the woman he loves that is real, living, breathing flesh??? Especially when he knows how much it is huring the woman he loves? That is not an act of love. Not at all. I would not let it go just because you are close to giving birth and all of this will just *go away*. It's not really going away, it's just getting stuffed in the back of your mind somewhere. But what about when another baby is coming, if one should come? It would all be back again. And because he thinks it is ok, he will do it again. :( And you will be feeling like this all over again.

[mchalehm]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm sure it's hard.

A pp used the term "excuse"--I don't think that's a word that helps anyone in this situation. You can't expect or force him to feel something he doesn't. It is reasonable, though, IMO, to expect him to be willing to talk about it and work with you on it. I mean, just because he's not in the mood for sex does not mean that the two of you are condemned to spend months sitting on opposite sides of the room.

[3cuties]

I think he needs counseling. I was thinking about this the other night. The problem with sex is him -- he has an idea of what sex is about and it doesn't appear to be about love and relationship. Additionally, he has unrealistic idea of what he is attracted to and what is sexy. Obviously he is not to blame but he needs to address this. Your body will likely not return to normal right after the baby is born. Is this your last baby? What happens as you age? What if you get sick and gain weight? What if your thyroid is out of whack and you gain weight? This is not an isolated issue -- I would force him to seriously address this. I am sooooo sorry you feel like this and are going through this.

[Surfacing]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm sure it's hard.

A pp used the term "excuse"--I don't think that's a word that helps anyone in this situation. You can't expect or force him to feel something he doesn't. It is reasonable, though, IMO, to expect him to be willing to talk about it and work with you on it. I mean, just because he's not in the mood for sex does not mean that the two of you are condemned to spend months sitting on opposite sides of the room.

nak
I agree with this. Just before dd#2 was born (since orig. post) we talked a lot about things. I sought to understand his p.o.v and he mine. He was very saddened knowing I felt unattractive to him. And I realized I had to be the pursuer instead of waiting for him. I had to be willing to try new things, to show and teach him how things COULD be done with a PG mama so he wouldn't be intimidated. I had to understand his p.o.v, tell him I'm not trying to change him, but he had to understand there were consequences. Things improved a bit. :wink We also bumped up the skin-to-skin contact and emotional intimacy. That helped some.

It's not that I "got fat/old"......he said when I'm PG he doesn't feel that drive to impregnate me :lol and he feels like my body is the baby's. I had to help him understand that I was still the same sexy mama I was in the first place and challenge him to look at things differently.

We may have one more child & I agree that this issue needs to be tabled and in the open. We both have to give a little & move out of our comfort zones. We did by the end of PG.

[mchalehm]

I'm glad to hear this!

It's hard when there's a discrepancy in drive between partners....and there often is. I think it's a very emotionally loaded issue. Kudos to you for dealing with it so openly.

[AugustineM]

I have a greatly increased sex drive while pregnant, and luckily, DH is a HUGE fan of that. I do remember, though, when I was pg with our first baby and very big, he went through a period where he felt "weird" about having sex with me. It didn't last very long, though, and I did a lot of explaining about how it's fine and good to have sex while pg and how I wanted to A LOT. So he sort of went along with it. Then later he realized how good he had it when I was jumping on top of him while pg, rather than nursing all the time and NOT feeling sexy at all!!


I'm glad things worked out in the end and GL!!!! :)

[adamsfam07]

With my first 3 pregnancies (all boys) we never went through this, my DH still found me attractive and we DTD pretty regularly. However, this time it comes and goes, the first trimester I was so sick and not in the mood at all, second trimester we were back to our norm again, but this last trimester (I'm 36wks) he hasn't really wanted to which is very unusual for him. In fact this last month we've hardly hugged or kissed and only DTD once! I asked him about it the other night and he says, he's just tired from working so much and just not really in the mood. Again, this is not like him. So of course I start to cry, feeling really fat and unattractive and just go to bed. But I've been thinking lately, I wonder if it has anything to do with us having a girl this time. He's made comments when we would start to fool around and she would kick, that maybe we shouldn't do this because she's awake. :lol I assured him she wouldn't care but I think in his mind it's somehow different this time because it's a girl. I don't know I could be way off base, but it makes me feel a little better. Hang in the momma! I hope things get better for us all. :grouphug

[kalamos23]

My DH is the same way - although I have varicose veins on my labia and things just don't feel the same way right now for me so I was okay with not having sex. I gave him a lot of BJs though and we actually did have sex this past week for the first time in months.

I do try to snuggle and connect with him, even if all we do is makeout - it makes me feel more like a sexual being that way. Plus, it almost feels like when we were first dating :-) I have noticed that I have to make the first move a lot though - but *shrugs* this too will pass and things will eventually be back to normal or some semblance of normal.

*hugs* I really hope things go a bit better for you, but at least you are close to the end now! It won't be like this forever!

[Surfacing]

As an epilogue: my baby is now 4 mos. old and we have a 3 y.o. as well. Things have improved some. We've communicated a lot and looked at what we need to improve our trust and our relationship. Dh has deleted all his p*rn on the computer and is taking a holiday from it. He's gotten to realize how disrespectful I am finding it and we are connecting more. It's still a bit hard with the kids and the whole business of life etc. but it's happening.

We've also made it more of a priority to get out on dates etc and that helps a lot.

Thanks for your posts on this topic. Best wishes to all.... :grouphug

[Ayame87]

My situation in completely different... but yet I am still the one feeling crappy.

My DP wants it all the time, and generally hints around or says things that make me feel bad for not "pleasuring him." We've had many arguments over it. One time he told me it is a womans job to pleasure a man, and satisfy his needs (he normally never says this stuff, he is NOT a typical man).. and tries to tell me how good I look. Which is fine.. but I don't like feeling like a piece of meat and that he is insensitive to the fact that I am just not comfortable having sex in my later months of pregnancy.

*shrug* I guess I won't be pregnant and unwilling forever. But he could surely leave out the unnecessary comments.

[jenniferadurham]

I am actually having the opposite problem. I'm so very not in the mood..we haven't DTD in 8 weeks. He says he fine with it, but I know it's killing him inside.


The only way that I can get to my DH about any topic, is to get "aggressive" about it. I mean that I get kinda pissed off about it, then he see's how important it is to me. I had to do this when I started getting more and more sick. I think at first he thought I was faking it. But then after I got pissed about it, we sat down and talked. It cleared it up. Sometimes it takes anger, and some tears....try tears!


Good luck to you!!!

[holothuroidea]

The only way that I can get to my DH about any topic, is to get "aggressive" about it. I mean that I get kinda pissed off about it, then he see's how important it is to me. I had to do this when I started getting more and more sick. I think at first he thought I was faking it. But then after I got pissed about it, we sat down and talked. It cleared it up. Sometimes it takes anger, and some tears....try tears!

DH and I were in a store last night, and he kept walking very fast and I was too tired to keep up. At one point, he ended up about 50 feet in front of me and I just started yelling at him to slow the heck down! He got mad at me for making a scene. :irked:

Later on he felt really bad and he said, "It's just that you never complain, I never know if you're not feeling well..."

So yes, men are somewhat oblivious. Complain more.

:lol

[Phoebe]

:Hug

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
During my 1st pg we didn't do it for 8 months! I can tell you it was the WORST thing to happen to our sex life. The reprocussions went on for a couple of years after.
I can tell you though that in my case it was my insecurity and my interpretation of my dh's feelings about being with me pg. It was the "don't want to hurt the baby" thing, etc and not that he wasn't attracted. Maybe he felt it was a bit weird.

My second pg we had more sex. This pg we have alot more sex.
I think he's gotten used to it by now.

I hope this doesn't continue. It can be quite damaging.

[alaskaberry]

I would just take out the vibrator and say "well, I will be using this instead, honey" and leave it at that. But that is just me.

You could also ask for more cuddles and massages and stuff, since he is unwilling to dtd. Some men just are like that...he is worried about hurting the baby?

[Surfacing]

Here we are now at 8 mos. postpartum and with a 3.5 y.o. We are in couples counselling to discuss a number of issues. Our sex life is one of them.

All I have to say is: I'M STILL SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[shelbean91]

When I was pg, I was the one not interested. But, I have to say, there are many 'marital aids' that help out rather well. Of course, if you're in counseling, it sounds like there's more to it than just 'it'.

[MommyofHero]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm going through it as well.

So now I have a little "secret" porn stash and have "me time". (Never really got into porn before the pregnancy, but now my hormones are all over the place and i find it quite fulfilling to be so naughty secretly! hehe!!)

I know it's difficult, but put on a confident face and put the moves on your DH. Once I swallow that rejected feeling, I have quite a fun time getting him turned on, and by then he has forgotten all about the sexual weirdness he's been feeling.

Also, DH's job every night is to slather my naked body with oil. (And now he does perineal massage too.) I make it a required job for him because I don't want stretch marks and an itchy belly ;) This always allows us to be close and intimate, though not necessarily sexual. It's so relaxing, and now he knows it's the perfect way to physically and emotionally relax me. :thumb

[kriket]

:hug I am so sorry mama.

I have seen a little of this in myself and I am not sure what to do. My breast are changing into nourishment and it feels strange when DH wants to touch them. I don't quite know how to separate the two. It's hard I know what your DH means. :( This too shall pass, :hugs

[kayleesmom]

big hugs

[HennyPenny]

it sounds to me your husband is the "victim" of our societies feelings and ideals about "sexy". sexy SHOULD be love, pregnancy, family, bodily changes and all that entails. it SHOULD turn on a guy knowing he "did" that to you! but... our society doesn't do that. porn and porn-ish images on tv, computer and in daily life don't show us that is what is sexy. and it is SO sad b/c it cheats us all out of good sexual relationships. it breaks my heart!

the other thing... it could be he is adjusting. not that it is okay, believe me I don't mean that. but often first time dad's FREAK out in this way. they suddenly see your belly and see responsibility and it scares them and they dont understand how they feel - they just feel a disconnect sexually. what does having a baby mean to them? will they like it? it's hard for a first time dad to feel connected with the baby and pregnancy b/c they don't have things like oxytocin running through them. they don't feel the changes. it just seems like the mom just before there eyes turns into this mother, instead of wife. it can be scary.

I don't know what the right thing to do is. I think to an extent it's normal... but to the extent YOU are expressing itis clearly hurting you. I don't know what your marriage standards and expectations are so I won't impose my views, but in our marriage porn and other such things is not allowed for either of us, we consider it adultery. we take it very seriously. but if this is something you all decided was okay, then it may seem totally okay in his eyes to use that to please himself and not have to face the responsibility of fatherhood when he looks at you.

most of all I just wanted to give you a great big hug ((hugs)) b/c i know how hurt you must feel. I went through a similar situation with our first (9 yrs ago) and it hurt me terribly for my husband not to want to touch me. after 3 kids things have totally turned around and I turn him on lol... but it doesn't erase how hurt i was then. I cried a lot. please know you're not alone.

[MommaShark]

My DH was scared of poking the baby - knew he couldn't but that was the image in his head.....and men are so visual! We DTD to try and speed things along at the end - we were laughing so hard it was not romantic but we got the job done :)
It was 6 months after birth that we DTD again - he was scared!!!!

[Frunchy Mama]

I am so sorry. I wish I had great words of wisdom. I just wonder how these men will feel as their wives age - -and their bodies change normally with the age process? I think this is a problem within them and they need to address it. Just my opinion though.

:(

I'm very sorry about your situation. I agree with this poster with the idea of what will happen as you age....or if you were to gain lots of weight in the future... It must be different for different men, I'm open to that, but it seems to me that physical attraction has a lot more to do with love and affection than physical appearance when you're in love. At that point, I see it as shallow to choose digital girls over your own wife/partner who is carrying your child.

Moreover, pregnancy is a time when you need to feel beautiful and appreciated more than any other. You shouldn't be feeling so down on yourself--it's detrimental to your baby! And after having been in a 10 year relationship where my partner's psychological issues prevented us from having a regular sex life, I KNOW what damage it does to a woman's psyche and self-image when you feel unattractive/untouchable...even if you feel the reasons are legitmate...and I couldn't even imagine if he were "getting off" in other ways stimuated by other people....

I'm sorry if this is coming off as harsh, but if he chose to have this baby with you, he needs to step up and choose to take care of it properly as well. You're doing the best on your end. And you're making TONS of sacrifices. I hesitated to comment on this at all, but I wanted to STRONGLY SUGGEST counseling for you both. There may be other underlying reasons why he is uninterested in sex with you. As I said, if he is in love with you, the fact that you're carrying his child shouldn't deter him from his need and desire to make love to you. I could parallel it to something like not holding a toddler in need of physical affection because the child has the flu.

Best of luck to you!!!