A little bit sad to be pregnant

[~Megan~]

This thread is not meant to make light of loss, infertility, or any other pregnancy difficulty (I have experienced all three of those!). This is only a support thread for those of us finding ourselves unexpectedly pregnant and having some reservations.



We are pregnant with our third child now. We did not plan the pregnancy, in fact we were tta. I didn't think I could get pregnant without trying because I have suffered infertility in the past and was actually beginning to think I might have PCOS.

Now we are pregnant again. I had just gotten used to the idea that we would only have 2 children. I had started working part time again. I was liking the freedom of going out to coffee with friends for hours. I liked that my kids were becoming more independent. I was looking forward to when ds weaned so I could do a cleanse and improve my health some.

I know I will love this baby. I am glad we are having a third because I have always felt like there was a third waiting for us. But I am still a little disappointed in this major life shift that having another newborn will cause.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[Bella Catalina]

Mama I am sorry that you're struggling. :hug While I am thrilled to be pregnant because it took us a year to conceive, I just wanted to give you a :hug

[Shiloh]

Yep.
I found out I was pregnant only by doing a test (went into the dr's complaining about fatigue...she said she'd run one...well I didn't want that news over the phone....so I got a home test)

to my shock...
pregnant.

I wanted more kids.
But I was planning to do other things in the short term...travel again before...dreams small dreams...paint some furniture, toilet train the last baby...
dh and I have been seperated since March and were working on rebuilding - he's thrilled about kid number four....but not motivated to come home in earnest...

but I feel much better about this preg than the last one where I found out I was preg at 5 months and gave birth at 8...just gone back to work full time...and he was a few weeks early....

lol I knew I wasn't that excited when I told my midwife hey maybe I won't even breastfeed why bother....
I am at over 5yrs of experience breastfeeding....but its still a long way off...I even had fantasies about crib training a baby as the thought of sleepless nights alone is well not thrilling....(all evil stray thoughts mamas no worries) must cleanse these thoughts and start having fluff dreams again

[texaspeach]

I am right there with you. I know we will love this baby, but now wasn't the greatest time. I have a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm sure the hormones and feeling sick aren't helping either.

we were TTA. we'd been using FAM to avoid for over three years.

this is our first, we weren't planning on kids for another two years. I was set to apply to nursing school this month, school begins in August, and well, you're in my DDC so you know that's when I'm due. It really isn't feasible for me to apply to begin then, so I'll have to wait until next January.

I feel incredibly guilty that we aren't overjoyed when so many of my friends have dealt with loss and infertility.

:gloomy:

[Shiloh]

I think mixed emmotions are par for the course.
Especially when even thought not unwanted unplanned big events like babies do give you a bit of whiplash when you were using BC properly (that always does me in follow the directions get pregnant)

[ladyelms]

I slipped into a very deep depression from the moment I found out I was pregnant w/ #4 (we were done--my kids are 15, 11 and 8) until at least my third month of pregnancy. (I'm 17 weeks now)

I was loving this new chapter in my life--where my career choice was taking me, my new-found freedom and experiencing some semblance of carefree-ness, going to coffee shops, like you, w/ friends, and having margarita's on the weekends w/ my hubby. I was on a new journey of exploring and unraveling my new feelings of sexuality (that had been repressed due to years of breastfeeding) and really learning to enjoy being in my own skin for the first time in a very long time. I totally here you. I went trough a serious mourning process, but I've come out seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm feeling my baby move, watching my body change--and I'm liking it, so much more than I thought I would. :) I know this time is only a blip in the grand scheme of things and these set-backs are only temporary. I've realized just how adaptable I am and that there're just never any gaurantees in life. Nobody ever promised me a set blue-print of plans, y/k? :) So I'm feeling pretty damn happy about this new prospect. :)

And my kids are elated as is the rest of my family, and that's been huge...

You're not alone. It does get better and easier. Hang in there.

[~Megan~]

I think you are right. I am so sick. Nauseated all day long with a small reprieve in the evening and then back again at night.

I feel like a complete jerk announcing to my infertile friends especially since I have mixed emotions about this pregnancy.

[Contrariety]

Hey! This was me when I found out I was preg with DS. I was like "Huh? Wha...??"

I still had many years of school left before feeling educationally satisfied. We were thinking we wouldn't have kids, maybe, for another 10 years or so! I only cried for the first few weeks... but eventually I accepted and embraced it...

Has anyone seen the movie Waitress?? Because her pregnancy is EXACTLY how I was. I was always like "please, really... I'm not that excited. It is what it is, and I don't need a gestational cheerleader, thankyouverymuch."

Of course now I can't imagine my life any other way, and I love the little guy with every ounce of my being, but he sure was not expected!

Somedays, though, I am in a hurry to get back to "my life." We want DS to have a sibling and now we are torn between not wanting our kids too close together, but also wanting to get the baby stage over and done with, so I can get back to school.

I feel you, mamas!

[Shiloh]

Its hard to be honest with people about mixed emmotions as a mid thirties woman...I've tried...and gotten odd responses like would I give this baby up for adoption....?

[Leilalu]

I did have a few miscarriages before this baby, but I totally understand how you feel:hug

I for one didn't nessecarily feel that I was in a "perfect" spot to be pregnant, yet I *knew* I was supposed to have another. I felt that it was somehow the right timing. So we were ttc. But I definitely have days where my feeligns are very mixed. It does get easier even with 2 kids when the sickness goes away..... but some days are still hard. I too was enjoying the freedom my kids gave me from being a bit older. I enjoyed quick trips out with kids who can put their own shoes on, pee by themselves, get snacks, etc.


But if you look at it in the logn run- you will have much more freedom having your third now, rather than having the baby later. I always felt it was best to have all my kids within a certain timeframe, then let them grow up together an and be done with the baby stuff.

But I want my body back. I want that freedom I could be forfeiting for a few years......

[ladyelms]

I think depressive feelings are a huge part of first trimester "morning sickness" symptoms for many women, unfortunately, we just don't create alot of space in which to talk about it due to guilt. :( Yet, it's just another facet of this journey that deserves to be acknowledged and honored. It's no coincidence that I personally happen to be feeling 100x's better as I move into the second trimester...

[Shiloh]

yeah maybe pushing down those normal pregnancy feelings makes them come up and bite us emmotionally. I've been exhausted before I had a clue, dog dragging arse exhausted. I've been feeling sick to my stomach, cranky, swollen....I think when a pregnancy is planned and excited about its sometimes like whooee I am pregnant look at me, I can feel pregnant...now its like I don't want to feel those feelings I want to push it out of my mind cause I can't get so excited yet

[hempmama]

I'm with you, too. I've suffered miscarriages and infertility as well, and so feel triply guilty that I am not just over the moon about being pregnant (on purpose, even) with our third child. But I am hyperemetic, and am looking at 7 more months of nausea and vomiting, followed by low energy, no libido, being overweight, and mild depression for as long as I nurse. We want the third child and know it's worth it, but staring down the barrel of it all is just...depressing. No other way to put it.

I tend to feel movement around 13 weeks, and am hopeful that will help me feel more connected to the potential child, and not just the difficulties ahead. But at this stage it's just really hard.

[mandalin24kd]

I was there too! We took in my three siblings this year and we ended up cashing our 401k, selling a car and getting a car title loan just to make ends meet this year. I was already exhausted from all the kids and I hadn't moved out of my post partum dep. from my daughter. So when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to scream and kick and blame someone for it. When my husband told me how happy he was, it took all my will not to punch him right in the jewels. And then I started to get sick. Then I got hyper-emesis, all I could do was drink ensures and sleep. But I still had 6 kids to take care of and a husband that's gone 60 hours a week. I actually started to despise the baby!

I can eat now, I'm getting my energy back and I'm starting to realize that this baby is starting my spiritual journey of finally be true to myself. It might sound funny, but this baby has probably saved me from letting my life fall apart!

I'm 16 weeks now and I'm so happy and greatful for being pregnant!

[LoobyLoo]

I'm still struggling to be happy about this. I feel connected to the baby and was terribly worried I'd m/c, and am getting used to the idea more each day, but 9 years of supposed infertility left my dh and I quite happy with the idea we'd never have children. We'd totally got used to the concept and had made a life where we pleased ourselves, where we could be free and easy, make decisions without much forethought...

We were supposed to be immigrating to Nevada from the Uk around April this year (I have US citizenship, dh's visa is due in April). I feel trapped here in the UK: the lifestyle doesn't suit me and the climate strongly contributes to my regular barometric migraines. We've been looking for a place to immigrate to for the last 5 years and were sooooo ready to move. We went to Vegas in October to use it as a base to explore South Nevada, and that was enough: we decided to go for it.

Seems the warm desert sun contributed to me ovulating for the first time in years, and dh managed to hit that sucker right out of the gate!

So now, as I didn't have health insurance prior to becoming pg, it could cost a fortune for me to birth in the US, so we'll have to wait over here. This leads to more paperwork problems with babba, as s/he won't automatically be a US citizen. We'll also have to wait 3 months after the birth for a passport to come through so we can travel as a family.

Yes it's only a 6-8month delay but I just want to be out of here and settle into my new life. I'm overjoyed that we'll have a little'un to include as I think dh and I were stuck in a huge rut, and this sure is a way to get us out of it! I'm happy to be pg and so terrible glad that I didn't m/c. But darnit, this is going to make the whole immigration process a million times more complicated, and it's complicated enough already TYVM!!

And it occurs to me that fate or whoever is having a nice little laugh to choose this, out of the 16 years that we've been together, as the perfect time for me to be pg. I know there's never a perfect time to have a baby but heesh.

This is the first time I've allowed myself to communicate these thoughts fully as I was so worried I'd m/c and then feel awful as if I'd wished it to happen, so made myself stop thinking/talking about all this soon as I'd started.

[AmamaAgain]

Loobyloo, I can truly understand what you're feelinig. I'm only in my mid twenties and a single mother so this was not necesarily the best time for me to get pregnant again. This was planned with my boyfriend but since then, things have not really been at their best. I've found myself not wanting to get attached to the baby God forbid something happened. I also finding myself trying not to think about the situation in order to cope with how I'm feeling. Luckily not feeling many pregnancy symptoms is helping me be able to do that. I have a six year old son and struggled with him. I had him at 17 and put myself through college immediately. Now, him and I are on our feet and I hope that I'm not setting back too much. I understand the guilt of feeling this way, especially after reading everyones posts. Hopefully this feeling will cease soon.

[pixiepunk]

you're soooo not alone. while i'm mostly happy about the pregnancy now (at 24 weeks), i still have phases when i get really depressed about it, and am trying to just force myself to stay positive for the baby's sake more than anything - i don't want him/her feeling all that negativity. i keep reminding myself that we did want another baby, just wanted to wait a little while. and in many ways, for the kids, this spacing is a lot better. DH and i just were not at all ready.

we were just settling into a happy place. we had moved to our dream farm, DH was working part time and trying to get something going at our farm. i was teaching more, and looking at a couple of great opportunities to teach even more in the immediate future. money is really tight, but we felt OK with it since i had more teaching opportunities down the pike and we were able to squeak by on our monthly bills. then i got pregnant. not only am i going to have to pass up some great opportunities to teach (some of which will probably not be waiting for me when i'm ready) but i'll have to take at least a couple of months off after baby, which means we'll be without a pretty big chunk of our income during that time. DH reluctantly talked to his boss about going full-time, and while he was promised full-time hours starting in January, we found out a few weeks ago that's not going to happen now and we're starting to panic a bit about how we're going to manage.

i hate having these kinds of feelings, and i don't want the baby to feel unwanted. my mom was a third baby, an unplanned for surprise, and she always felt that way. her cousin even told her once that my grandmother tried to throw herself down the stairs to cause a miscarriage. while i'm certainly not anywhere near the point of doing something stupid like that, i just worry that this child will somehow sense that this was not meticulously planned for the way the other two were and feel lesser somehow. i really really don't want that, and i'm trying to stay happy and focused on the positives. but some days it's just really freakin hard.

ETA - thank you for this thread. it feels good to say it and know others understand how you feel.

[DBZ]

Oh when I started this pregnancy I was pretty depressed about it. I wasn't planning on another in fact we were actively trying to avoid. We don't have the room in this place and I just always expected Abby to be my baby. I also struggle quite a bit financially. It's so hard. Since then I've come to believe that there is a reason why I am having this baby and as usual we will deal with whatever issues that come up as they arise.

[mama to 2 girls]

Can I join in here? ...I can really sympathize with all you mama's..We were TTA also and this was TOTALLY unplanned ....dd1 was almost potty trained and then the m/s hit and that all went to pot! :( DD2 JUST started sleeping thru the night, I was looking foward to b/f her as long as SHE wanted, not having to stop because my milk is going to dry up. :(

We were just starting to get our life back, we HATE the baby stage. I know this baby will be loved but when we tried a week ago (I was 13 weeks) with my neighbors doppler to try and find a heartbeat I was relieved :( to not hear a thing. I too have suffered loss(2 m/c's) and what they thought was infertility(just took us a while but we concieved dd1 on our own)....but I have an appt. today with my m/w and if they don't find a heartbeat, which i know it can happen even with a healthy baby at 14 weeks...but I will be relieved, I feel really ashamed for saying this but that is just how it is at the moment.

My cousin keeps joking about twins!!!! I just want to kill her!!(Not literally of course) She has NO idea how that makes me feel!

We have only 2 bedrooms and a tiny house, I have no idea where we are going to put this baby! We could have bought a bigger house but we decided not to so dh could get a new car because we didn't need anymore space as it is now...I should have known as soon as he bought it, something was going to happen!! I am on the verge of depression....my patience is almost at a zero, I feel so bad for my girls! :( Plus my m/s is still hanging around a little...so maybe once I start to feel better the future won't seem so bad.

Well, anyways I was just happy to see this thread and know that I am not the only one. :(

[Pholkchick]

I agree with pixiepunk; thank you so much for posting this thread!! It does feel truly wonderful to hear others expressing the same negative emotions that I felt at the beginning of this pregnany...for myself, I relate most to the comments about just longing to have my body and freedom back for awhile before plunging into pregnancy #3 (I've been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for the past 4+ years!).

I must say, somehow, perhaps magically, this past week or two my whole disposition and outlook on the pregnancy and birth has taken a shift. I am 35 weeks in and I feel my world shifting. I wonder if it isn't the effect of that amazing love hormone, oxytocin, that I know begins an upward surge before the labor and birth. Of course, with that in mind, I don't anticipate the hormone crash around day 3 postpartum...and I am may just need to revisit this thread then for encouragement! But I am feeling much warmer toward the pregnancy...I've even allowed myself to find delight in the thought of stroking another babies hands in the middle of the night (random!).

Somehow, by God's good graces, I feel like everything is falling into place...just in time. But for those mama's who don't feel this love rush, I recently took encouragement from an older thread that said, "It's okay if you can't come to terms with the pregnancy. Just be honest with yourself about your feelings." When I read that, I felt such freedom!! Maybe that's how I really got to this happier place...I allowed myself to work through my negative feelings with no pressure to come out the end dancing for joy about the pregnancy. But here I am anyway, dancing my heart out with joy and anticipation...

[Galatea]

I feel you. Though we were TTC, I was only doing it halfheartedly, more for dh's sake. I had finally gotten comfortable - going to the gym, working, going to school. I thought I could just keep doing all that, but I have been sooooooo tired this pregnancy that I haven't been to the gym in 4 months and had to drop a class. I didn't address these feelings when I needed to, and ended up being totally bitchy from 8 to 16 weeks. Then we saw she is a girl and that cheered me up and I feel better. But it is so okay to be upset about being pg, so don't hide it.

[xixstar]

I like hearing from the ttc mom's who also have reservations. I'd actually decided to take a break from ttc cause I just wasn't really feeling committed enough but that ended up being the magic month.

I still freak a bit when thinking about how much this changes stuff and how much stuff we haven't done yet (mostly house repairs that I now can't do) -- and part of me thinks we should have stuck with not having any.


I look all around my house and I just can't see a little one in this house. I just see us with dd (12) living out life as it's been. It'll certainly be a change and it's taking me, and I'm sure dh, a while to get excited about it.

[veganf]

All 4 of mine are Oopses. We wanted them, it's just that we would have timed them differently had we chosen. This time especially I am hesitant. I was happy with our three boys and things were beginning to get easier. Now I just want a girl and I feel guilty about how I'll probably be disappointed if it's another boy and will have to go through that difficult first year after 9 months of puking. It just seems sooo long. So yeah, I'm having trouble feeling excited about this pregnancy.

[peacelovingmama]

Thank you for posting this Megan. I always hesitate to express these feelings because I realize that many people here have gone through such pain and grief in trying to conceive/IUI/adopt/etc.

But my feelings are real and this seems like a safe place to express them. On the one hand, I've always wanted a large family. But DH was happy with 2. He agreed to have our third because it was so important to me. But this time, we were just waiting for our medical flex-spending plan to kick in so we could undertake permanent birth control -- either IUD first and then a vasectomy or right to the vasectomy -- in January.

We conceived before I had a post-partum AF and after only having unprotected sex twice. We knew it was a risk but really didn't think it was very likely. I am adjusting but DH is still having a hard time. Also, I just lost 60 lbs after having insulin-dependent gestational diabetes and a difficult 3rd pregnancy. Our children are amazing and we were feeling pretty complete. Our third child is just starting to sleep through the night (well, with one or two night-feeds, but close enough!) and our other 2 children are becoming more and more fun.

I had just started leaving the kids for short periods and going to lunch with friends, movies, etc. I never feel comfortable leaving my babes for about the first 7 or 8 months. Soooo... while we are truly blessed, I do sometimes feel conflicted about this pregnancy. And then terribly guilty for feeling that way.:( I am glad I am not alone. Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. I know we will all get through this and ultimately thrive with our new additions.

[LoobyLoo]

Just wanted to pop back in to say thanks for the thread, and also a big thank you to everyone for posting as it is the best thing ever to see I'm not alone and that there are people out there who understand - everyone I know irl expects me to be even more excited about this pg than is normal as I didn't think I could conceive, so it's a real blessing to be 'allowed' to feel otherwise!

[~Megan~]

When I shared the news with two of my closest friends (both of which advised me to stick with 2 kids when I was conflicted about a third) they were so dang excited. One of them even jumped up and down and squealled. They just keep telling me it will be alright which really isn't helpful!

We need the money from my job but I can't see working 30 hours for the rest of my pregnancy and then once baby is born. Dh is freaked out by the thought of caring for 2 kids and a baby if I went back to work after birth.

My home is crazy too. I remember that I could really start to keep it clean and organized when dd go around this age. Now I have to start with the chaos again.

We had also planned on maybe moving back to my home state about 2000 miles away to live near my family. This move was dependent on help from my mom and me getting a job immediately while dh looked for a career. In some ways this is still a good idea but I won't move before birth as homebirth midwifery is still illegal there. And moving with a newborn is scary! I won't leave my baby in my mom's care though. While I trust her to not hurt my kids she has a lot of regrets about having a busy career growing up and I think she is trying to relieve her motherhood through my kids. I don't want her developing that kind of bond with my baby. Since she would be helping us tremendously financially I don't want too many boundaries crossed. I think it would be horribly complicated.

This pregnancy completely changes everything for us! I have no idea what to do at all.

[Shiloh]

I think being honest with your emmotions is good.

I bought maternity pants today...thinking that would be good.
I wanted to glare at the happy couple in the store with me and was glad no one said congrats or something cheesy to me ;) I need some time to ramp up my excitement but with baby number four i am afraid I will start showing tonight ;)

Hey on the positive side we all don't need to worry about birth control now we've got that covered for a few months.

My new years resolutions do NOT include diets, getting down a size in pants ;) And well I gave up smoking drinking drugs casual sex and other fun things I don't do too ....wow I am a one woman new years resolution success.

[goldfinch]

Megan, thanks so much for this post. I am having very mixed emotions about this new pregnancy, which was allegedly "impossible" and thus a total surprise.

[AKA_PI]

I'm from the August DDC but I just wanted to jump in here. Initially I was TTC then once DBF and had a conversation that he wasn't ready, I stopped. It was then that I discoverd I was actually prego. Up until two days ago, I was ok with everything but now he's not very supportive or active and my parents have totally renigged on being happy about this so I'm dealing with alot of emotional issues. I myself are not feeling very happy or excited about this pregnancy right now at all. I feel bad that I feel that way but it's hard when the people you care most about aren't happy for you.

[PixieAlly]

Its hard to be honest with people about mixed emmotions as a mid thirties woman...I've tried...and gotten odd responses like would I give this baby up for adoption....?

I am in the same boat and I don't understand it either...I get a lot of "put it up for adoption" or "get an abortion" (even my midwife suggested adoption)....just because I am sad/upset about something doesn't mean I want to give away an entire human being and give up my responsibility for it! Do people REALLY think it's that easy?

Ally

[balancedmama]

Thank you so much for this post. I am pregnant with our second child, a complete surprise. I had hoped to have babies no closer than 3 years apart. It took 2 years to TTC DD, I also have had late-term losses in my past. I never imagined I would get pregnant without at least some serious effort. DD was terribly high-needs and I still feel traumatized by my PP time with her. Additionally DD had some food aversions and was still primarily breastfed (probably still 95% of her intake) at 12 months, when I got pregnant. As of now nearly all of my milk is gone. Not only do I feel a great sense of loss around that, but also just complete shock and fear in terms of what I am in for with baby #2. By now I have gotten over crying nearly every day about it, but I just feel ambivalent. I know I will be head over heels for this baby eventually but for now I'm not feeling it.

[iris427]

I just found out this week I am unexpectedly pregnant with my first. I cried all day. Now I am feeling better about it but I can definitely sympathize and it's good to know I am not alone or horrible for not being instantly happy to learn I was pregnant.

[AKA_PI]

I just found out this week I am unexpectedly pregnant with my first. I cried all day. Now I am feeling better about it but I can definitely sympathize and it's good to know I am not alone or horrible for not being instantly happy to learn I was pregnant.

You certainly aren't alone.

[gingerbane]

Ditto. Dh always wanted kids, so I knew we would probably have kids.....someday. It was very unexpected when somday came so soon. I had hoped to have another 4-5 years with just DH and I. I'm trying to take it in stride as just another part of life but I do sometimes mourn the loss of those days where it was just the two of us.

Due Feb. 2008

[bethie]

I just want to give you all hugs during this time. Though I can't relate at the circumstances... it's still a situation out of your control - just as me taking longer to conceive was out of my control. You ladies are just as entitled to your rights and feelings and expression just as anyone...

Hope you all somehow have the best pregnancies in the world... and somehow some major meaning is found during this time... Sorry to lurk... just love reading other points of view.

[whathappened]

wow. I could have written this.

I just found out I am pregnant with #3 - dds are 7 & 5. I was done!! Major BC malfunction on day of ovulation and bam. I'm 6 weeks. I'm starting to embrace it but wow, do I feel you on this.

[thismama]

I wonder if there is always a sense of loss that accompanies pregnancy? One door opens, another door closes, type of thing?

I am pregnant through valiant force of will and determination and mostly I am over the moon about it. So it's not the same as an unexpected surprise, for sure. But still I think about what I am missing out on and what I will miss out on... I'm really interested in school and thriving on the intellectual stimulation, and I will need to take a break from that. A friend of mine joined this religion where everyone gets high on a quasi-legal substance and communes with God - that is out, for not only the pregnancy but years afterward, with nursing and being unable to take so many hours away from a young child. I will be solo parenting and man... that's a lot of commitment and a lot of work in the beginning. My financial situation will diminish for the first while. I worry about the transition and the effect on my relationship with my daughter, which is so intimate with it being just the two of us, and so important to me and to her.

Etc etc on and on. I mean, it's a huge gift, one I actively chose and am tremendously grateful to Spirit for. Tremendously grateful. And there are also things to mourn and be sad about, both at once.

Much peace to you on this journey, Megan.

[mamade2]

Hmm, this baby was planned for us (number 3), though I wasn't 100% convinced (dh was really gung ho). Even now at almost 7 months along I have mixed feelings, though I'm starting to get excited a bit, too....

[Shiloh]

I am so sad that i am sad about this pregnancy.
i know its so early but I can't seem to get excited at all, and then I guess its the sounds of everyone else in my ears I feel silly like I'm a pregnant teen (again). STBX is zero support lets say negative support.

I cry that he won't talk about the baby and avoids it if I mention anything at all. I know I am alone in this one but when i had my daughter alone at 19 I had my convictions I was going to do it right...now I feel its all doing me in! I have a therapist (next week she's been off this holidays) I have a support group I will be going back to.

I just feel so cheated out of being excited and happy.
Abortion is not an option and there's no reason for adoption...
Its not that I feel trapped more delayed enthusiasm...
I can't see what's going to bring that around, the baby and maternity wear shopping just makes me resent those seemingly happy people .....

I figured out my due date how big the baby was now...
and I am not connecting with this child (mind you I am not worried I found out at five months I was preg with child number three so I have time to get more bonded).

And I am not sure if any one else feels this way but I feel like i am tempting a miscarriage because there is so much of me that really doesn't see this positively....then I feel silly and superstitious...

lol I feel like I've been backdrafted stop lossed without warning and mommy deployed into hostile poopy territory....yeah we know you just got back from serving, breastfeeding, changing washing poopy diapers, but pack your mama kit and see you again in 3 years....when those breasts will be out of service again.....

yeah my breasts deserve a service medal... ;)

[leobabe]

oh thank you so much.
i feel like i'm going to burst into tears, probably will.

i've been a pent up emotional black pit, ready to volcano.

i too have had a miscarriage, and ttc for years, and when i found out i was pregnant i didn't even force a smile.

i feel so, so bad. when i was pregnant with ds, i was ecstatic from the moment i found out. he was wanted beyond the shadow of a doubt. now i feel so guilty that i'm not over the moon for this new one.

part of it is, it doesn't feel real, and i've had a miscarriage before so i don't want to get to attached. a lot of it has to do with tremendous fear that this baby will have something wrong with it.

my son has been an absolute handful, spirited child beyond belief, behaviour issues out of control - borderline diagnosed asperger's. in my husband's family there are a lot of asperger's like symptoms and learning disabilities. in my family there is depression.

the years from one to four were absolutely draining with my son. after age four, he began to get under control and he has been pretty delightful. but those years before were very trying, and i had more worry as a mother than i had enjoyment.

so even though i should be rejoicing over this little one on the way, i fear another hard road. i keep thinking is this a good idea? it is a scary place to be. really scary.

[Equuskia]

Wow, thanks Megan for posting this thread! I remember back last February I was pregnant, and none too thrilled. My dd was only 16 months old, and very stuck to mommy. I then has a miscarriage, and I must say, I was actually relieved. I really didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't dare post here, because I didn't want people to think I was mocking their pain, but I really was relieved. I'm pregnant again, and while not super thrilled (m/s, although more like all-day sickness, sure isn't helping), at least i've mostly come to terms with it.

Thanks again for starting this thread and letting us express our feelings and that it's ok to not feel that "Hurray, I'm pregnant! Joy!" feeling. :)

[jule924]

I'm in the same boat!! NOT ttc at all. Dh would talk about getting "fixed" every month around that time and I would say, "No, you're too young!" (He's only 32) Well, last month we had that moment and slipped so I was semi-preparing myself for that bfp. Baby is only 16 mths so these will be 24 mths apart exactly. He's still bf so I've had about 6 mths break from pg or bf in the last 4 1/2 years! Not to mention that we knew for sure we only wanted 2! So here 6 weeks in and I have days where I think "how the he** am I going to do this" and days where I think, "OK, I guess this was meant to be". We are seriously growing out of our house already especially with me being a p/t WAHM. I guess it will have to work some way!

[Shiloh]

so even though i should be rejoicing over this little one on the way, i fear another hard road. i keep thinking is this a good idea? it is a scary place to be. really scary.

I hear you my first was sn too from infantcy.
I think its just hard to throw yourself back in before you have your game face on.. I almost cried yesterday as my two youngest got dressed for school, got their own coats, mits shoes etc...thinking oh crap just when I got the youngest toilet trained..I've got 2-3 years more of diapers babe in arms, crying sleepless nights..

where do I muster that kind of energy from

[chrfath]

This is a wonderful thread thank you so much for sharing.

I am 23 weeks today, there is a 5 year gap between all my kids. They wean, I get pregnant. We had been talking about some permenant birth control and I found out I was expecting.

I know this baby is meant to be, and will be a blessing for our family. But, that really isn't helping me get through the feelings of being overwhelmed and like I am right at the edge of losing it. I am trying flower rememdies and they help some days. But the days the dog has chewed up something or got into the trash again and DD keeps making mess after mess after mess...I just want to throw in the towel. Most days I feel like crying.

It really sucks, because I want to be happy. I want to feel excited. But the thought of a 10yo, a 5yo(with down syndrome), and a newborn makes me feel like running away screaming. I just try not to think about it - how unfun is that?

I do feel better knowing I am not alone. I know I will move into that better feeling place. I just really hope it is soon. I am tired of feeling like this.

[chrfath]

I hear you my first was sn too from infantcy.
I think its just hard to throw yourself back in before you have your game face on.. I almost cried yesterday as my two youngest got dressed for school, got their own coats, mits shoes etc...thinking oh crap just when I got the youngest toilet trained..I've got 2-3 years more of diapers babe in arms, crying sleepless nights..

where do I muster that kind of energy from


Those are some of regular thoughts too. Just all the new baby stuff. I was thinking of potty training my DD, but now I am going to wait a bit. My DD still can do very little for herself, all that motor skill stuff. It will be like having two little ones. I just can't think about it. :(

[AkRotts]

Boy can I relate.

My mom passed away August 13, 2006. Four days later my sister had her twins (over a month early). The twins tested positive for cocaine and opiates, so the state stepped in took them from my sister and gave us custody. They came to us at three weeks old. Talk about a major shock. I was DONE raising kids. My daughter was 21 and moved out of the house. I was very busy training and showing my Rottweilers and Arabian horses, I didn't have time for babies. I was very happy with my life, but how could I let these two sweet innocent babies go to anyone else?

In less than a month my entire world got turned upside down. Little did I know god had more in store for me.

When the twins were 3 months old I found out I was 4 months pregnant, talk about SHOCKED!!!:dropjaw I have to tell you I was less than thrilled. In fact I was quite pissed!!!:angry

A baby was the LAST thing I needed at this stage of my life. My hubby was beyond thrilled and as soon as he found out he was on the phone telling everyone.

I can't tell you how stressed I was about having another baby. Here we had two premie, high need ones already, what the heck were we going to do with another one??? I cried more from the time my mom passed away until I had Caitlyn than ever before in my life.

On April 22, 2007 Caitlyn made her appearance 20 days early (yet another surprise lol).

My entire life changed the day she was born. She is everything I wanted, but never knew I needed. She has enriched my life in so many ways and I thank god every day for bringing her into my life.:love

I wish I had known then, what I know now. I would have had a much easier time with the whole pregnancy, baby thing:wink


Since taking in the twins we have also added thier 11 yo sister to our ever growing family. I went from an empty nest, to a full house in less than a year:love

I really do believe everything happens for a reason. :)

[becoming]

I very much felt that way when I found out we were expecting our third child. Our DD had just turned 1, and though I wanted a third child at some point, I was so looking forward to being baby-free for a couple of years. Now my new baby (6 months old in a few days) is the absolute *light of my life*. I am so glad we have him, and I can't imagine life without him. I know your situation will end up the same. :hug

[mommyddeville]

I was fairly sad to be pregnant. That's hard to even say. .. . we just weren't expecting to be pregnant yet. It was a huge surprise, and correlated with DH going on a business trip (that's when I found out I was pregnant). Both of us kind of met the news with "oh, I guess we'll manage" rather than "oh, how wonderful."

Now that I'm 9 weeks, I'm getting used to it. Actually, I'm even excited. I want this baby. It's going to be ok.

[mamaSun loveMore]

Thank you so much mamas....

Once again its so comforting to know I'm not alone....

[peacelovingmama]

We had been talking about some permenant birth control and I found out I was expecting.




Us too. And we had told some family and friends that we were done and looking into permanent birth control. So now, on top of feeling overwhelmed, I feel foolish. I still haven't told my parents. I keep thinking they might say "but we thought you were done? we thought you were going to do something permanent?" And my only response really can be, "uh, duhhh...."

[hempmama]

Us too. And we had told some family and friends that we were done and looking into permanent birth control. So now, on top of feeling overwhelmed, I feel foolish. I still haven't told my parents. I keep thinking they might say "but we thought you were done? we thought you were going to do something permanent?" And my only response really can be, "uh, duhhh...."

I can help with that. Everybody thought we were done, and pretty much everyone I've told has given some version of "I thought you were stopping at 2! What happened?" (um, duh, Sherlock). At first I was stumbling around feeling foolish, but now I say "We kept those discussions private." That stops the conversation pretty quickly, and I think is a nice reminder that this is a very personal issue.

[mamaSun loveMore]

wwId without MDC????

it helps sooo much hearing all of these stories!
DP and I wanted another baby. in fact we want at least 2 more after this one. so I have to admit, this pregnancy was sort of accidentlyonpurpose. but I feel so sick. and there are so many variables in play that its hard to feel hunky dorry. we're moving to a remote island mid-pregnancy. (ok, i guess that part isn't so bad). but we are not financially stable really. we live with my folks, and though we take care of most of DS needs on our own, we probably would have a hard time with that if my folks didn't support us so much.
I guess part of me feels guilty bringing another person into the world when we are not totally self-sufficient yet. I'll be relying on medicaid to take care of the expenses. I've just left my job after my boss couldn't afford to pay me. (foolishly I stayed on for 6 months, not wanting to abandon her in her time of need). I'm glad to have a chance at some rest, but depressed about not having an income. DP is very skilled in his trade, but having a hard time finding work in his field. compromising in the service industry is squashing his spirit.
truthfully i want this little angel, and i do have rare moments of glee. but overall i am feling heavy with apprehension and worry. i even considered starting some antidepressants. my doc said no, that i just need to be realistic. that its just not as exciting the second time around. (how sad is that from an ob?)
reading what you wonderful women have to say is encouraging. it has brought a few tears of hope. thats nice for a change.

we'll get thru this!

beautiful babies for all!

[peacelovingmama]

I can help with that. Everybody thought we were done, and pretty much everyone I've told has given some version of "I thought you were stopping at 2! What happened?" (um, duh, Sherlock). At first I was stumbling around feeling foolish, but now I say "We kept those discussions private." That stops the conversation pretty quickly, and I think is a nice reminder that this is a very personal issue.

Yeah, good point. I mean, it is pretty nosy for people to cross-examine me about our family planning in the first place. So a response like yours might sort of remind them that family planning is not a public affair!!

[eastvillage]

Glad to see this post. It's not that I was sad, exactly, to be pregnant (it was planned - just happened really quickly and I was a bit surprised) but I debated long and hard over whether or not to have another child. DD is just over 2, so she'll be more than 2.5 when baby is born, but I LIKE MY LIFE NOW. Life with an infant sucked. No sleep, no life, no schedule, nowhere to be, not accomplishing anything, messy house, etc. I was deep in PPD and didn't understand what was happening to me until I reached out for some help from a non-profit when she was 6 months old and thought I'd never be happy again.

Once she turned a year, I started to see how wonderful parenting can be, and she's a joy...challenging, but a joy. I can hardly look down that tunnel again of year-long-difficulty.

We wanted two kids - we wanted her to have a sibling - all of that, YES. But I didn't even tell people I was pregnant until 14ish weeks (when we really couldn't hide it) because I wanted to get my head straight before we said anything. I didn't want to have to try and "fake" happiness, as everyone expects it to be the most wonderful news in your life. Which it is - but I'm just mixed about it, that's all. You can be anxious and terrified and still happy, right?

[goldfinch]

How's everyone feeling?

I'm still really ambivalent. I haven't really told anyone (I'm 13 weeks) and don't even really like talking about it all that much. Sometimes, I'm actively sad/anxious. Other times, I'm okay with it, but I've yet to have a blissful moment about this pg.

Hope things are looking up for all the other conflicted mamas out there... :o

[Halfasianmomma]

I felt immensely confused/conflicted when I found out I was p/g, even though I had gone off the b/c pill a month or so beforehand. I guess I thought it would take a year or more to conceive since I'd been on it for 14 year straight. Also, DH and I were *not* in a good place emotionally. Going off b/c went something like:
DH-"You're not committed to this relationship! You've done xyz to hurt me!"
Me-"You have no clue how committed I am!"
DH-"Whatever, I don't believe you."
Me-flushed the b/c pills down the toilet "Now what do you have to say?"

Honestly, it was not the best way to start off, and I seriously thought for a few weeks that we weren't going to last. Gradually, things improved bit by bit and then the shocking news I refused to believe, even after 5 positive home tests. I was extremely sick for the first little while and it made it all seem like a big mistake. There were a lot of times I considered abortion, because the whole thing seemed overwhelming.

At the time, we really weren't doing well financially (I have probably about 30K worth of debts), to be honest, it's gotten worse. DH lost his job right before Xmas, and he's still searching. We're having problems making rent, paying for food, conflict with my folks, and DH is hating living in our new city. So, all in all, it's not the "dream pregnancy" I had imagined for the last few years, with me staying home, going to workout/yoga every day, being super relaxed and healthy. I work full-time and deal with a somewhat depressed DH who can't seem to find work...it's tough somedays. At the same time, though, at 21 wks, I'm starting to find joy in the simple knowledge that I'm making life inside my body, and no financial worries can take that away from me.

[Shiloh]

Stable...
I've got 2 more months to be done school..can't believe I am 12-14 weeks already..getting u/s on saturday maybe will find out the sex...that helps not to be too excited actually if its a boy great, a girl great.
I don't really care much I'll be happy either way.

I have started buying stuff but I am a little resentful about getting bigger...I just bought some nice nonmaternity clothes before finding out (they will be there after I know)

I think the "sadness" is actually helping pass the time this pregnancy is going by fast... oh that and I have barely told anyone...lol

I will have some time off between school and baby and am planning a trip to egypt so hopefully that will keep me a bit active and excited..instead of decending into fastfood and icecream drugs ;)

I am happy actually that I can admit I am not entirely happy...I am atleast honest with myself! The thrill will come after all its a baby! MY BABY :) oh that smell that smile you get when you hear that cry and know its feeding time....

[~Megan~]

I'm a lot more accepting of it. Things still feel up in the air though. We aren't really sure how things are going to work out.

There is an option that dh can take over the p/t work for me though. We aren't for sure about it, see what I mean about up in the air!

I'm starting to look actually pregnant which is really nice. I didn't like that phase of being too big for my Spanx but not into maternity clothes. Being bigger I'm not quite so proud of my lumpy stomach and loved Spanx. Not being able to wear them was a little like admitting, "Yes, I'm fat!"

[sadiejane08]

I can so relate to so many posts here. I'm 40, and we were really and truly Done. We've always used condoms with 100% success but were talking about something more permanent, and bam! condom failure. Five days before ovulation, but together we are more fertile than the Nile delta.

Aside from the total upside-downing of our plans and lifestyle, it was just terrible timing; our eldest was sick with terminal brain cancer. She died when I was 3 months pregnant.

Fortunately DH has been very positive about the new baby from the start, and our other 3 kids were delighted. Everyone around us has been positive, in fact, which helps so much. Nonetheless I've felt trapped and panicky, off and on, throughout the pregnancy.

I was just getting to the point where I was truly more excited than ambivalent about the baby coming and we got hit with a serious complication. Fortunately it's one that can almost always be avoided if you just know about it ahead of time. But talk about stress. And it's a one-way ticket to an early c-section, which just kills me.

[pixiepunk]

sadiejane - :hug been meaning to do that for a while.

i'm starting to get more excited, and simultaneously more scared, about this little one. i'm now due in 9 weeks. our money woes are better, DH found a very good paying job, but unfortunately it's one that he loathes and would not have even considered if i weren't pregnant. so that makes me feel terribly guilty (albeit grateful) that he has to do that in order to make ends meet. unfortunately it also means a very long commute, and during his 90 day probationary period at the new job, he's keeping his old part-time gig, in case either he really can't stand to stay there or they for some reason decide to let him go. And he's teach a college night class. So he's working upwards of 70 hours a week for the next three months - the last bit of my pregnancy when i could really use his help and support around the house and with the kids. so in a way i've traded in one problem for a couple of others. but it is a relief to stop stressing about money, even if it's only a short-term solution.

anyway, i'm trying really hard to focus on the positives - i'm really looking forward to birth, actually. i'm excited about wearing a wee newborn again and that sweet newborn baby's head smell. i was washing baby clothes the other day and those wee tiny baby socks gave me a big smile. my other kids are, at least in theory, really excited about the baby coming, which helps me to be excited too.

really trying hard to stay positive!

[almadianna]

i cried for the first week after i found out I was pregnant this time.
i was really shocked and scared.
I am better with it now but I dont blame you for what you are/were feeling.

[Shiloh]

How's everyone doing?
Me well I feel badly that I am not as excited as my kids are..
my son wanted to talk about the baby and where my baby would go when I am in class (I am presently back at University until April not even sure when I will go back to finish this degree...) I felt badly that I wasn't excited I still have told no one other than close friends (I am only 16 weeks or so mind you...and not showing oddly) I felt like I had to appologize then realised that me explaining how I didn't really expect this gift might confuse him so I just talked about babies take a while to come and how much he was adored when he was born...

but I still find myself avoiding other pregnant women (not women i know but like socially, at the gym)

[~Megan~]

I'm 21 weeks today and doing better. Getting more excited. Making more plans.

I think I figured out why this seems like such a blow. I don't parent the easy way. I hold my babies all the time, I nurse them, I sleep with them, I don't leave them to cry, I don't leave them in the care of others.....thus this is a bigger impact for me than someone who spends less time and energy on their children.

It all came together the other day for me.

But that said I love babies and am starting to look forward to the birth of this one.

I jokingly said to dh the other day, "But this one might be our favorite!" You never know ;)

[tireesix]

Yeah, totally....

I have PCOS and have had a miscarriage before, needed help concieving my first (not my second) and am here pregnant again.......

I was just getting my life together again, I was wanted for a job I really wanted, I had plans, we would be able to afford to move, there was so much I was going to do....... And now I am pregnant, and I feel awful for feeling bad about this pregnancy, I am getting better, but I guess I am still grieving for what I am having to put off and that sounds so stupid but I am........ I am only 6 weeks so still got a way to go.

I am only 27, and people seem to think that because I have years ahead of me its ok but I have been living in the shadow of painful illness and depression for the past few years (as well as social phobia) and this year is the first year that I have felt kinda ok about life (except for a hiccup at the begining of the year with major suicidal feelings). My pain was being managed (can't at the moment due to pregnancy but we are considering getting me on the old opiates again if this pain continues).

I have lost the past 7+ years of my life to illness already and I really didn't want another to go down the pan, just waiting.... Ya know......?

However, I am starting to get excited (as excited as I will allow myself so early in a pregnancy), my husband is over the moon, I wish I could share it with him.

It will get betterr, compared to last week I am feeling a load better and I am sure the improvement will continue. There is always next year and this is so definitely my lastt child...........

Hugs to all........ I never thought an unexpected pregnancy could feel this way (my last was unexpected but I didn't feel like this), I didn't reralise just how difficult it could be and to think I nearly went through an abortion this time......... Praise be I listened to folk here because I think if I had gone through with it I would have been a total wreck. Not much point in having the life you had planned if you are too sad to enjoy it.......

[Sage_SS]

No hon, I don't get it. I don't mean to sound callous or cold. Honestly. I'm happy that you and your hubby have been blessed with a child. But it hurts me a little bit to hear the complaining.
My hubby and I have been trying for nearly 7 months to have another and during that time I've had two miscarriages.. at least.
I realize that my problems have NOTHING to do with your life or your life plans, but please believe me when I tell you that being pregnant, the ability to carry a new life within your body is a gift. Its a gift more than a surprise, ask any woman who has been trying for any amount of time.
I'm happy for you and your family! Enjoy this time.. know that so very many women, good women who deserve to have babies, can't and count yourself amoung the blessed and lucky who can carry a child within your womb.
Womb.
That word has come to mean so much more to me than I thought it ever would.



Please find a way to love and cherish this time. If not for anyone else, but yourself.

Many hugs and much love...

[lil_earthmomma]

No hon, I don't get it. I don't mean to sound callous or cold. Honestly. I'm happy that you and your hubby have been blessed with a child. But it hurts me a little bit to hear the complaining...

Um... I'm pretty sure this is suppose to be a safe place for complaining, venting and sharing of the negative feelings that are sometimes involved in becoming pregnant. This post seems very judgemental and preechy, and will not help someone who is feeling depressed. No matter what your life is like, your hardships do not change her hardships, and I think it's very cruel to shame her for not living up to your ideal of pregnant thinking or feeling.

[~Megan~]

No hon, I don't get it.

My first child took over a year to conceive and my second 1.5 years. I, too, have struggled with infertility and miscarriage. This does not change the fact that this pregnancy was not planned and puts a huge burden on our family. Our feelings are genuine and worth discussing.

[pixiepunk]

wow... just.... wow. in case you missed the memo, Sage_SS, this is supposed to be a *support* thread. Your struggles and losses do not in any way minimize someone else's difficulties, regardless of how different than yours they might be.

[Sage_SS]

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I was shaming anyone. I know that surprise pregnancies are not always good surprises.

Last night I was feeling especially sad, it was out of place for me to share those feelings on this thread. I'm sorry.

[jul511riv]

sage, just lurking, but I think this place is safe enough for you too. :love

Your struggle is heartbreaking, and i know that many people don't realize this but there are womyn who are on the other end of that...they are struggling to NOT get pregnant, and this sort of "surprize" can be just as heartbreaking for them too. Also, there is a hormonal element at play.

We wanted ds, but then I started to get overwhelmed within a month or so with dd who is super high needs and spirited and the nausea and living in a foreign country and a hubby never home and no money to buy furniture and having an empty apartment. It was really scary. I spent the whole pregnancy FREAKED OUT.

But you know what? I ended up having THE BEST birth experience with him, and he was SUCH an easy baby. Slept lots and was just sweet and gentle. Now we've got our other issues with him. LOL. But he's still sweet and wonderful and was SOOOO different from dd, it was a hard first year, but it was hard because of dd, not ds. He is what made my days worth living for certain streches of time.:o

Just wanted to offer some encouragement. I, too, would have relaxed a bit mroe during my pregnancy if I knew that it would turn out the way it did. This kid is on the way regardless, so might as well embrace and enjoy it, just as soon as humanly possible.

[Shiloh]

Sage balance is not a bad thing for us, I think though we are looking for support as we feel bad we feel bad..

Honestly. I'm happy that you and your hubby have been blessed with a child. But it hurts me a little bit to hear the complaining.
I think if you dig into our personal stories you see that for some of us we are parenting alone so I wish me and my in the house husband were given the gift together not in a period of gross uncertainty..many of us have medical, financial issues....so another responsiblity compounds the fears and worries we had.

Carrying a child is a gift but sometimes you wish you were given gifts when you were really prepared for them ;) Also many of us are facing health issues that complicate matters - hence why another time would have been better I have three MAMMOTH kidney stones that aren't passing but keep breaking off in little chunks..ah peeing glass ;) they want to surgically remove them but can't of course now. This will also be my last child so there is some grieving going on there as well as this isn't my picture perfect new baby senario. I am also looking at not being able to stay home as long as I want so feeling like I am going into this infant's life giving it a half assed shot and not the same attention I was able to give my other kids.

I don't think any of us are really wanting to give the gift back just struggling with how to really enjoy something that doesn't seem so enjoyable at the current time.

If you have any advice Sage on how to enjoy this time feel free to give us ideas. But guilt is probably not helpful as we all feel guilty that we aren't over the moon excited!

I also think that when you find yourself unexpectedly pregnant the suprise aspect also kicks in some insecurity of thinking this baby might not stick if it catches on to the fact that the mama isn't 100% thrilled....I was suprised at my last MW appointment there was still a heartbeat as I feel that I don't deserve this baby because of the guilt factor, I think also there are mamas on here who have for the first time actually thought even briefly of adoption/termination...

its a pretty low place to be to think that you have reservations about a child of yours and that you know the positive feelings will kick in you just can't wait for the cloud of depression over it to lift. I think with all forms of depression its not always situational or comparative...it doesn't make sense, feelings usually don't.

I wish that logically we could all say to ourselves well jeez we are blessed we can concieve many cannot, we are not in a war zone, we can have kids and poof that grey cloud would disappear. So on that thread if anyone wants to share how they've helped get more excited post away!

[almadianna]

No hon, I don't get it. I don't mean to sound callous or cold. Honestly. I'm happy that you and your hubby have been blessed with a child. But it hurts me a little bit to hear the complaining.
My hubby and I have been trying for nearly 7 months to have another and during that time I've had two miscarriages.. at least.
I realize that my problems have NOTHING to do with your life or your life plans, but please believe me when I tell you that being pregnant, the ability to carry a new life within your body is a gift. Its a gift more than a surprise, ask any woman who has been trying for any amount of time.
I'm happy for you and your family! Enjoy this time.. know that so very many women, good women who deserve to have babies, can't and count yourself amoung the blessed and lucky who can carry a child within your womb.
Womb.
That word has come to mean so much more to me than I thought it ever would.



Please find a way to love and cherish this time. If not for anyone else, but yourself.

Many hugs and much love...
:eyesroll

i love it when people pull this, really i do....:irked:

[jul511riv]

but that is a valid feeling too!

I think the mistake is trying to compare situations. We simply can't compare! Another's loss isn't your gain or vice versa. Everyone has their own journey...their own story, and this is totally independent of YOU (and ME).

For those who are ttc, okay, so other women are concieving. Ignore it. Comparason will get you no where to meet your objective. It has nothing to do with you. It's not your journey. People have money and others do not...I don't sit on their fence looking in their windows and having a running commentary. Everyone has got someone better off and worse off than them.

For womyn pregnant and confused/upset/etc... about it, okay, let's not look at the womyn who aren't fertile (for whatever reason, emporarily or otherwise) and wish we were them, G-d Forbid, because that isn't our journey. One is not dependent on the other. It is the way it is and we can only compare to ourselves...

Where were you 5 minutes ago? 6 months ago? Are you doing better? If so...GREAT! Are you doing worse? Okay, so what can you do to make things better? Now reevaluate in another 10 min. Or 3 months.

The anger on both sides has gotta stop, mamas. Fertility...it's such a personal and spiritual thing. It brings up issues on both sides of the equation, and when we are hating on womyn for the gift that G-d has given us (whether we see that as a gift or not, and by gift I mean everything from a pregnancy to infertility) we are bringing down all of womyn kind. We've got to respect one another and our choices on the path and try to lift other mamas up.

So, Sage wants a baby...so we should all be giving her the loving vibes and care that we would want if we were in a similar situation. That's THIS mama's choice and path and as other womyn our job is to nurture and support her and make her feel good...as good as she can under the circumstances.

Sage, these womyn here are really struggling. Some have suffered miscarriage with their babies since they have posted...some have not but wish they would. I know that sounds just awful to ears on the other side, but we mustn't compare. Let's respect the fact that these womyn are feeling this for whatever reason. Enough people tell womyn that their feeligns aren't important or aren't real. That they are the result of hormones or lack of sleep. That is totally belittling to womyn. Don't feed into that mamas...it might be true or it might not but underneith it all these are REAL feeligns that need to be validated and nurtured and loved. So as hard as it is, try and seperate your journey from theirs...besides, you never know what happens when you put LOVE out into the world. Sometimes it just comes right back to you.:wink

On both sides of the equation, mamas, we are all mamas and we are all having our own private trials and tribulations. We have our own joys too. Let's support one another on our journies and then maybe we won't have to compare to deal with our emotions, because we will always have another mama to help us sort through it.

[lovingmommyhood]

:eyesroll

i love it when people pull this, really i do....:irked:

almadianna, Sage apologized already. No need to drag it out.

[Era28]

Im sad to be pregnant too. Im more then a little sad, Im depressed.
I just got done with the bar exam and was really looking forward to relaxing and starting the job hunt for a legal career. which I can still job hunt but now my opportunites are more limited.
I thought I was late because of stress... little did I know, my birth control did not work.

I was on the patch and have been for over 2 years. I thought I was safe, I planned on getting pregnant after my wedding (which was going to be in Jamaica in october). Now my wedding is off or on hold (I think we conceived on valentines day so that puts the baby due in like october/ nov).

I know Im going to love the little sucker once he/she is born but I just wish that this wouldve happend in like 1 year from now.
Im so conflicted, sad, scared, and anxious.
Anyway, I hope things will get better because right now Im at my lowest point.

[Shiloh]

Hugs Era I know how you feel.

Sage trust us all if we could give you a baby in your womb now we all would....trust us! I feel envious that inshallah you won't have these feelings when you get a sticky one.
Pray for us we'll pray for baby vibes for you too.

Anyone got some great suggestions for getting over the prebaby blues?
I figure that symbolically I will start to nest, get the house in order, declutter work on making the baby shrines - the diaper stash organized, a layette, maybe scrapbook the ultrasound pictures.

[~Megan~]

I'm finding planning to be fun. Looking at ways I can make money to buy something special.

I bought a custom Baby Hawk with tax money. I'm excited as I've always wanted one but never let myself spend that much money on a carrier before.

I had fun making a registry. I'm not going to tell friends about it but it was fun to make!

Thinking of baby names is fun for me too.

[thefragile7393]

I feel I belong here.

My son is 2, and I've always known I'd have another....but not this soon. Ds won't even be 3 when this child was born.

I also am having a lot of emotional difficulties....stuff I didn't think would happen with this pregnancy. I had a rough, stress-filled pregnancy with ds. There's also the likely chance that this is a girl, and for many deeply personal reasons I really wanted another boy.

My child, daughter, will be loved and cared for. Right now though, the adjustment is very hard. I don't even know how far along I am, since my first MW appt isn't until the 24th!

We were planning for me to work for at least a year, get our last cc paid off, maybe move back to the small town we are from, maybe have a homebirth. Now, none of that will happen...except for hopefully getting the cc paid off. I don't know what i'm going to do with work....I panic at the thoguht of being home with a toddler and a new baby.

[mandalin24kd]

I posted on this thread back when it was brand new. I was NOT at all happy to be pregnant at the time.
I had severe hyper-emesis and had lost 19 pounds because of it. We had just taken in my mothers 3 youngest children because they were living in an R.V. Our high needs autistic son was not adjusting well to all the changes and then my wonderful toddler..... Well, she's made this all interesting!

But now, I'm 26 weeks, I am not sick anymore, my siblings recently moved back in with our parents and I'm learning to use my time better.

Now, I just can't wait to see her!!

I'm relieved that this thread was started when it was. I didn't need yet another reason to loathe myself. And I really think knowing that it's okay to be not okay helped me stay sane and eventually be healthy and happy.

And to those of you still a little sad, we love you and completely understand!

[AmamaAgain]

Well...You guys seem to have been having a long convo about this for awhile. I might as well jump in.

My can relate to many of you on here. Having an unplanned pregnancy can be so difficult. Here was my situation. I have been dating a guy for four years. We decided in October that we wanted to start trying to get pregnant. We tried and finally found out that we were pregnant at Christmas time. This was followed by an early miscarriage at the beginning of January. This was DEVASTATING for me. The night I miscarried, my bf and I broke up and I ended up on anti-depressants and medicine to sleep at night. Two weeks after the miscarriage I got back together with my bf on the basis that we would not worry about having a child right now.

Make up sex soon led to me finding out by Valentines that we were pregnant again. This led to a LOT of stress. My bf didn't want me to get preg again so fast, so we broke up again. I was worried that I had been taking all of these medications before I found out that I was pregnant. The stress of all of this, my classes, already balancing motherhood, and then the death of my best friend became QUITE overwhelming. I worry every morning that I don't feel morning sickness whether or not I've miscarried again, etc.

It can be a lot for anyone. Pregnancy doesn't always immediately bring us a lot of joy. This is coming from a person that has suffered more than one pregnancy loss...but no matter what our past experiences are, we have to be kind with each other and KNOW that we all are MOMS. No matter how we get there, no matter how sad or depressed-we will all be moms and have to be there to support each other through this journey.

[tireesix]

I wish I could feel something about this baby but I feel nothing. I feel no connection, I just feel angry. I have been working so hard to keep myself under 10 stone in weight and now this happens. It might not seeem a big deal, but when you have just lost 7 stone in weight, when you are petrified of getting big again......... Gah, what was the point?

Thing is, a couple of weeks ago, when I was seriously considering going for an abortion, all I could say was 'I can't do this, mummy loves you'...........

I am terrified of eating but I am so hungry........... I am terrified of not exercising but I am so tired......... I have visibly put on weight because MS has put mee off all foods, everything makes me feel sick except for stupid chips (as in British chips, like the ones you get with fish). People say I need to put on wewight, I am within my normal weight range, I don't need any more weight and despite what people might think I look better as, my body works better at 9 stone 2. Thats it, end of story. Besides, if I am going to put on weight, the last thing I want to do is put on fatty weight, people are just mad.........

I am so totally starting to obsess again, I was doing ok, yesterday I thought aboutt purging. I have started binge eating again....... This is so not good. Having a baby may be a blessing, but having a mother like me is no blessing for a baby. I am not healthy enough to be having a baby inside of me. I am not strong enough at the moment to control my food issues......... I am living on crap at the moment, I have food issues with vegetables. I can't remember the last time I had a piece of fruit or a vegetable (that wasn't a potato) because the thought of them makes me feel sick and that has nowt to do with morning sickness.........

I am taking my vitamins and hoping it gets the baby through for now. I have bought some fruit, I thought the least I could try and do is have at least 5 portions of fruit per day. Maybe get my juicer up and running again and see if I can sneak some veg into my juices because I don't see any other way around this.

I just hope the baby is ok, I hope it doesn't know what I am feeling right now, I hope the scan comes through soon so I can see it, maybe that will help. I just hope it can put up with me for the next few weeks until I can get my act together...........

[blondemommy]

I was in denial for the first 3 months. I got married August 27th and found out I was pregnant September 10th. I didn't want to grow up yet and wanted to enjoy being newly married. When I took a preg test and found out, I went nuts. DH was overjoyed and I was crying and screaming and locking myself in the bathroom!

After a couple of appointments with the doc, I broke down to her and told her I didn't want a baby. I just was getting used to being married and wanted it to be DH and I for a while. She said, "You've already heard the heartbeat. You can't go back to it being just you two." And that's when I completely changed and having been nothing but happy! Especially when I found out we're having a girl!

I still feel bad for the way I acted for the first 3 months. Today, you would think all I ever wanted was a baby! It's nice to read similar stories on here!

[Dillpicklechip]

I find this thread so interesting as I went through a very similar experience. This is my third baby, and the pregnancy was planned. But for some strange reason, as soon as I got pregnant I felt terrible about it. I don't know if it was just first trimester hormones or what, but the first three months I was incredibly depressed. I didn't want to be pregnant, I thought I had made a mistake by being pregnant, I thought I only wanted two kids, etc...I was miserable and used to just lay in bed and cry!

My dh was very confused. He couldn't understand why I had gotten pregnant on purpose if I didn't want a baby. I couldn't give him an answer. All I knew is that I felt miserable and depressed. And strangely...around the 4 month point of my pregnancy the cloud lifted and I started to be happy about it. I started to care about taking vitamins and eating right.

Now at 20 weeks I feel great physically and emotionally. I can't wait to see the baby. I still don't know why I felt that way for the first part of the pregnancy. The only possible explanation that makes sense to me is that there was some weird chemical thing going on in my body that was throwing my brain off balance...

Whatever it was, I'm so happy that it's gone and that I feel like myself again. If I am ever pregnant again I hope that that doesn't happen, but if I lapse into depression again at least I will know that it's probably not permanent.

[Shiloh]

I have to say I am thankful for this thread and even the seemingly counter supportive posts as I started bleeding yesterday at 16+ weeks... I felt aweful as I have gone through so many emmotions of not wanting this baby...
only to find myself convincing the babe to stick in there and not be put off by my negative emmotions ;) I started finally I think connecting with this new life slash parasite....

I started to visualize the stuff we'd do together and when I started to think about loosing this baby it showed me what parts of this pregnancy aren't so sad. I went out and bought a diaper bag (on sale so the woman told me it was not returnable well babe I can't get a refund so :) and even a crib set..
lol yes 4 kids and my first crib set that won't get used but it provides a visual for me in my bedroom....my three year old slept in the crib last night it was too funny....he hasn't seen a bassinette/crib/cosleeper since he was 6 months old! (*we are modified cosleepers as I have a sleeping disorder)

I think I am at the point where I realise I am not entirely happy to be pregnant but I would be very sad not to be pregnant or loose this baby...I guess its a turning point of sorts and I am not expecting it to be overnight that the sadness fog lifts but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[AugustineM]

I find this thread so interesting as I went through a very similar experience. This is my third baby, and the pregnancy was planned. But for some strange reason, as soon as I got pregnant I felt terrible about it. I don't know if it was just first trimester hormones or what, but the first three months I was incredibly depressed. I didn't want to be pregnant, I thought I had made a mistake by being pregnant, I thought I only wanted two kids, etc...I was miserable and used to just lay in bed and cry!


Thank you for this, because this is also my third baby, I am about 7 weeks along, and I have felt similarly! I also thought that I wanted to have another baby, though we weren't planning on it this soon, but still, I knew I wanted a third child. But since I got pg I have been extremely worried about it, and even depressed. I've been stressing a lot... wondering if I/we made a mistake, etc.

Your post helped me realize that it can definitely be the mood/emotion changes of pregnancy that might make me feel worried... and I know that as things go along I will feel better about it and I'm sure even excited. Part of me is excited now, but most of me is worried!

[Dillpicklechip]

I am willing to bet as time passes you will begin to feel better, Augustine. I can hardly describe the difference in my mood from a few months ago to now. I am still not sure if it was all hormones--I think it helps that now the days are getting longer (more sunshine), I have been going for more walks, and I started taking fish oil again.

Just make sure to take care of yourself, get lots of rest and exercise, take those supplements, and things will look up. :hug

[thefragile7393]

It's odd....I think I've finally accepted I'm pregnant, but I don't know....I haven't accepted that it's probably a girl. I still need to work on that. I'm not exactly HAPPY to be pregnant...but it's here and I need to accept it.

[MommaHeather]

Its hard to be honest with people about mixed emmotions as a mid thirties woman...I've tried...and gotten odd responses like would I give this baby up for adoption....?

I am right there with you.... I had been told by doctors that I had secondary infertility. I have a lot of mixed emotions about being pregnant. I had just gotten used to the idea that I was going to be childless for the rest of my life, and tried to empower myself with that idea. However, then surprise... I'm pregnant. And, I am happy, and all... But I am fearful to say that I am a bit scared, nervous, etcetra, because I do NOT want to be approached in that way with the odd responses.

[Shiloh]

I think people say stupid things in general...But I am fearful to say that I am a bit scared, nervous, etcetra, because I do NOT want to be approached in that way with the odd responses. get pregnant and be told by some cooky person that they once knew a neighbour who went into give birth and the baby ended up being a lizard with four heads so maybe it wasn't so tragic that the doctor....

I still haven't told many people.
I know there are few people who can be supportive without being overly sympathetic...I don't want sympathy but support would be cool...

mind you I have deemed today
""if its just the thought that counts
respectfully I request you don't think of me.."

in light of the birthday card I got from inlaws who haven't talked to me since dh left 1 year ago...(*nothing I had anything to do with all dh melt down...there was no infidelity etc...)

Happy Birthday this card it jam packed with happy thoughts and warm wishes we are wishing (insert my first name here) the best birthday ever....

*and you know the got my name wrong on the envelope....
its printed off their computer....I am not materialistic but maybe the 'best birthday ever' might have included a halmark card, flowers, my name spelled correctly...

I think part of it is just feeling that no one will really see or understand where I am right now...they think I can handle everything and I can cause I have to...and I am not going to get much support and I still don't understand why I don't....

[spiderdust]

I'm kinda glad to find this thread... I was in a bit of shock and not totally happy when I discovered I was pregnant this time.

Definitely unplanned, and not the best timing. I had gotten used to the idea that I would only have one child, and was trying to finish college... and along comes baby.

I feel a bit better about it now, don't know if everyone else in the house does. Baby's still coming all the same. We'll make it work, and the baby will still be loved, but the timing still wasn't great.

[tireesix]

I am feeling somewhat better too......... I am not in a sheer state of panic, howeveer, at the same time, I want this baby out of me ASAP......... I am so not enjoying pregnancy simply because of health conditions. I am so for natural childbirth but I am really seriously considering a section and I know it sounds stupid because my health issues aren't that bad, I tink I am still quite emotional and worried about everything. I am planning a homebirth but I am terrified of giving birth these days.......... I am just so mixed up. The important thing though, is provided baby is ok, baby is definitely staying with us!

[kristenf]

i have spent 8 out of last 10 years pg or nursing. we have 2 girls, 9 and 3. i was just starting to think about some things just for myself, and feel soooo guilty i'm not excited. also, i recently lost a hand in an accident and am worried about taking care of a little one.

[Shiloh]

Welcome!
I am sorry to hear about your hand, have you searched for other amputees for tips on managing with a baby (emmotionally and practically)?