Fears and Reflection

[SunnyKat]

Last time I was pregnant, it was a pretty rocky pregnancy right from the start and now I see that it never stood a chance. I miscarried at 7 weeks after trusting 10 HPT's that kept saying negative. I didn't take prenatal's or even any vitamins. I drank, I used arnica (it's an herbal muscle relaxer and one of the top abortitive herbs ever) and I know I wasn't eating well.
Since then my husband and I have had a complete lifestyle overhaul. It was done for us and not for the idea of a child.
I also spotted a lot, and I mean A LOT! Almost the entire 7 weeks. It was the constant spotting and severe nausea and boob pain that kept taking me back to those HPT's.

This time feels so very much better. I've only spotted the first 7 days (from what I believe implantation to be until when my period would have been finished). I'm not concerned about this because my mother had 5 pregnancies, no known miscarriages, and menstrated normally for the first few months with all of them. I've had nauseous bouts, but so far nothing like last time. I'm craving real, healthy foods like chicken and salads and fruit. I want nothing to do with sweets or any kind of candies at all. (I have a bag of organic cookies that has been sitting on my counter for days untouched.)
Even though I'm feeling full, I also seem to be hungry all the time. I'm wanting something to eat every 2 hours or so. Every day I start wondering when the horrible nausea is going to start. Last time it was so bad that all I could eat for 3 weeks was saltines.
Even my horrible day of implantation felt stronger. I'm not a cramping person. I've never had cramps with my period since I was 14, so when I have cramps I always notice. I don't remember cramping the last time at all. I don't remember feeling anything at all until my boobs started hurting. This time I felt dreadful exactly 4 days after I ovulated. I cramped so very bad. I was nauseous, so thirsty I had a sore throat even after drinking 150 ounces of water, I was exhausted, achy, weepy, and just plain feeling yucky. Then the next day I felt great and I was starving, starving, starving...and spotting.

I'm estimated to be 4 weeks, 3 days pregnant and I'm still getting negative tests. I bought a box with 3 tests and I'm not going to bother buying more. Obviously they just don't work on me. I'm not trusting just how I feel because I'll feel pretty much anyway I want to. I'm going on my morning temperature (which has remained consistently high, even after the bright red spotting when my period was due), my boob pain (which I simply could not imagine to be as bad as it really is), and the fact that my hair has stopped falling out. No way could I affect that with wishful thinking...
I don't even really feel the need to see a doctor at this point. My husband doesn't see the need for it at all. He pretty much thinks that either I'll have a baby or I won't. He's a patient man and he's cool with waiting until he can hear the heartbeat with a stethoscope or waiting till he can feel the baby moving around to confirm the pregnancy.
I'm cool with that too except I'm having progesterone concerns and there's a part of my brain that keeps wondering if there was another reason I miscarried last time besides carelessness. I also want that big, huge ultrasound at 20 weeks to look for developmental issues because I'm over 35. I also want medical care for when delivery time comes. I want a natural, peaceful environment for my child, but I'm scared I can't do it on my own.

Right now I'm scared about being pregnant and getting the little one into the world safely. Then I'll be scared about making him into a healthy, functioning human.

One the upside, my husband is way more crunchier then I am. I can't wait to wear his baby to work. LOL

[elisheva]

I'm cool with that too except I'm having progesterone concerns and there's a part of my brain that keeps wondering if there was another reason I miscarried last time besides carelessness.

Can you ask for a blood test without seeing the doctor? I totally get the not wanting to see the doctor, but you seem to want the peace of mind that would go with a positive blood test and everyone telling you your hcg levels are normal. This must be so hard for you.

I also want that big, huge ultrasound at 20 weeks to look for developmental issues because I'm over 35.
If you found suspected abnormalities at 20 weeks, what would you do? We refused all ultrasounds because it didn't matter to us - we wouldn't have aborted. We focused on loving the baby no matter how he was when he came into the world.

I also want medical care for when delivery time comes. I want a natural, peaceful environment for my child, but I'm scared I can't do it on my own..
You can birth your baby in a natural, peaceful environment - just make sure to do your research first. Visit the hospital or birthing center and talk to other people who have birthed there. Hospitals tend to be the opposite of peaceful, but the one where you choose to birth may be wonderful.

Have you considered having a midwife attended homebirth (some midwives can attend in hospitals, too)? You CAN do this - women have been giving birth successfully for thousands of years.

I recently read (i)The Thinking Woman's Guide to Better Birth(/i) by Henci Goer and found it full of useful information on how to make the best choices for you and your baby.

Disclaimer: I was scared in my first pregnancy, too. I had told my midwives that I wouldn't be having a cesarian and I planned a peaceful homebirth. I put my head in the sand and hoped for everything to be fine.

Then, my blood pressure went up and I ended up in the hospital for a non-stress test. Suddenly, my peaceful birth was shattered. I knew that, even if I managed to fend off the medical interventions and birth my baby, the hospital was the dirtiest, least peaceful place I had ever been. I let the doctors convince me that my baby was too big and wouldn't come out vaginally. It is a decision I regret every day of my life. I had a cesarean and I'm now dedicated to helping women avoid unnecessary cesareans whenever possible.

One of the biggest reasons women end up with unnecessary cesarians is FEAR. It's normal to be afraid, but don't hand over your power to the almighty medical staff thinking that they have your best interests in mind. It doesn't work that way. YOU have to advocate for what you want for your baby. You have to be willing to stand up and object when your gut tells you to. End of disclaimer.

[SunnyKat]

I have a doctor appointment with a DO on Feb 4th.
I absolutely do not want a home birth. Not only would I have to clean up the mess, but I'd have an underlying worry about animal hair, the dogs freaking out, and things turning into a fiasco. My insurance doesn't cover a midwife and I was planning on discussing birth options with my DO.

As far as knowing ahead of time about abnormalities. I'm 39 and my husband is 45. I have a birth defect in my spine that will (not maybe) make me wheelchair bound. My husband was recently diagnosed with both Sjorgen's Disease and Alpha One. All these things are definitely inherited. Add on top of that the declining medical conditions in our country, the disgusting way we treat the poor, and our general disrespect for each other and our selves.
Add all these factors together and my husband and I have decided that we want to know are situation as it develops so that we can make the best possible choices for our situation.
I don't want to have to face my child saying "I loved you too much to see if you had the same spinal issues as I did when they are now completely curable if you find the right doctor and situation as soon one is born." Or "I disagree with knowing certain things in advance enough to deprive you or your change to get your liver repaired invetro before you could have even comprehended what was going on." or better yet "I loved you too much to make choices in advance so here you sit in a wheel chair because walking is too painful, and liver failure, and Downs Syndrome, and we have to give you up simply because we can't afford you."

I will not be denied my chances to do the very best for my child based on the rather limited statement of "I'll love you no matter what."

[andrea]

I thought I'd clear up some misconceptions:

1.) A lot of HPT's aren't sensitive enough to give you a + until after your period is late. According to your FF chart, you are only 12dpo, you your period isn't even due for another 2 days. Wait another week and then try another test, it'll probably work!

2.) Home birth isn't messy. A lot of people assume there will be blood splattered from one wall to the next, but our clean up for both births took less than 5 minutes, for the first all dh had to do was use the shower head to rinse the tub and the second all he had to do was one load of laundry for the 4 towels and waterproof pad that were protecting the floor. No biggie at all!

3.) Ultrasound diagnostics are notoriously and ridiculously inaccurate. Might ease your fears to do a bit of research on ultrasounds!

[GwendalynsMommy]

I just wanted to put a suggestion if you wanted a confirmation I went to an urgent care type place today just to get my hormone levels drawn. I got both HcG and Progesterone and they were back within hours. I just told them I was about 4 weeks 3 days and I was concerned with low progesterone and just wanted to make sure everything was ok. They did make me talk to the NP for 2 or 3 minutes just so she could get a fill for what I wanted but didn't give me any problems at all. That might be an option for you.

[VeganCupcake]

SunnyKat, do you think you ovulated on a different day than FF pinpointed? Because yes, 12 DPO is pretty dang early to be sure you're getting accurate HPT results. I got a very very faint BFP at 13 DPO--so faint, I wasn't sure it was for real.

Also, another thing about homebirth--very often, the midwives do the cleanup. That's part of the package, most of the time. And it doesn't take long, either. Many midwives have a towel service, so they bring clean linens, and then take the dirty ones away once it's all over. Heck, I wouldn't want to clean up, either, but you don't have to. Don't let that stop you from considering a home birth.

You might also want to consider a free standing birth center--homey environment, medical-type care available, but a kind of holistic view of childbirth. You sound pretty crunchy to me--that might be just right up your alley!

[SunnyKat]

Yes, FF is very very wrong. I ovulated on CD16 and I normally have a 24 day cycle. I'm already 8 days late.
I've explained several times already that HPTs simply don't work on me. I was testing negative at 7 weeks last time...even the morning of my positive blood result. Chances are my hormone level wouldn't suddenly turn an hour before I got blood drawn.

I've done lots of research on Ultrasounds. That's why I don't want all 3 (or more). I only want just the one. I'm also refusing any testing that can not be done with simply my blood. I absolutely will refuse that stupid glucose test. I don't even understand how that could be healthy for you if your weren't pregnant.