Dealing with pregnant women

[brianlove84]

What is the best way to deal with a pregnant woman in oder to avoid conflict.


Laddies any advice?


-Brian

[mkmama]

How sweet of you to ask! Either you know a woman at work/family that is driving you nuts, or you're a super sweet hubby/partner that wants to help his partner, or you're someone in big big trouble. :D

Do what you can for her...i don't know your relation, but if you are her partner, anything you do that is thoughtful/attentive is a huge help. Footrub, dishes, meal making once a week, errands, running to get a craving...without complaining...anything you do to help her and just let her know you can't empathize with her but you can care for her is huge.

Listen, don't try to fix her problems unless she asks for ideas, just listen and give hugs and ask how she is feeling. Also, my DH is not very touchy feely, but if he were to ask me questions about how the baby is growing, or lay his hands on my tum to feel his daughter move, or accompany me (he did 1x) to any doctor/US apts, it would really make me feel like he was involved in the process. its a very special time for a woman and sharing it with others is so special, so show a little enthusiasm/interest!

OH, and when she wants to talk about names, talk about them! or set one day a week to go over names (that's what we do), and don't just veto everything that comes out of her mouth! :D

HTH!

[mkmama]

And when she (me) reads something like this to you (my DH), do not laugh hysterically. :irked: :lol.... :irked:

[MKury]

Unfortunately, the only way to avoid conflict altogether is for her to understand that you are doing everything in your power to make her number one in your life right now. Dh and I got pregnant 3 months after we got married. We didn't even know how to live with each other, much less live with each other while I was a totally new (and mean) person. He did everything right, and it still wasnt good enough- I hate to admit. Then I had to tell him to stop being so nice because it was making me feel guilty. He was in a lose-lose situation. Just realize that most things that are said in anger or in frustration aren't meant, and don't take anything negative personal. It's just the nature of the pregnant beast... Best wishes!!!

[Ironica]

First trimester:

* Know that she is probably TIRED. In a way she's never even *known* before. There is not enough sleep in the WORLD for the first trimester.

* She's also probably hungry. At the same time, there's all these weird food aversions, her sense of smell is going crazy, and she may have sudden cravings for random stuff. For me, what this all boiled down to was I would get to where I NEEDED food desperately, but I was completely unable to *think* about food enough to feed myself. I had to tell my DH basically to just put something in front of me (and make sure it's not ______________). It's really crazymaking.

* Emotions tend to go haywire too. Sappy commercials will trigger tears. She doesn't get *why* it's so.... whatever it is, and she'd rather not feel this way most likely. She's not doing it on purpose. For some women, comfort and response is the way to go; for others, they'd rather you pretend it's just not happening, like a fart or a burp. ;-)

Second trimester:

A lot of the food issues and the fatigue are starting to level out. She's still more tired than usual, and more hungry, but there's less food aversion interfering with the eating process. The emotional issues may actually get worse, though.

For a lot of women, this is the "sweet spot" of pregnancy, where they're still feeling really good physically (not bloated and huge and uncomfortable), and the first-trimester illness and tiredness are wearing off. This is when she's most likely to start getting excited about being pregnant. Share the joy!

Third trimester:

Her body has been taken over by an alien that is kicking/punching her in intimate places, jamming appendages between ribs, and so forth. The stomach is getting squeezed by the uterus, so even though she's hungry all the time, there's not much *room* to eat. On the other end, the bladder's running out of real estate too. She's starting to really look forward to reclaiming her internal organs.

This is also when things that were easy are starting to get really hard, like walking or getting up out of a comfy chair. A hand getting out of bed in the morning may be appreciated. She suddenly realizes she can't see her toes without sitting down. It's rather disconcerting. Some women end up with balance problems and are more likely to stumble or fall over; this can be embarrassing and scary.

It's also a time when she's likely feeling of two minds about the time left: on the one hand, it will be nice to not be pregnant anymore... on the other hand, there's anxiety about the impending birth and caring for a newborn, and whether one is ready or not. To-do lists loom large. "Nesting" may take hold, where she gets obsessed with cleaning or organizing projects around the house (even if they don't seem associated with baby). For a first-time mom, it's also a "last chance" to do some things for a while, like a nice dinner and a movie, or going to a party.

So... hope that helps you get into her shoes a bit and know how to avoid conflict! Pregnancy really messes with your brain ;-). It's not just a myth... it changes the way you think, the way you perceive the world, your priorities. Some of that goes right back to "normal," some will persist as long as you're nursing an infant, and some of it never really changes... it's part of becoming a mom.

[crazydiamond]

To be perfectly honest, most of our conflicts came about when my DH assumed there would be conflict and desparately tried to avoid it.

I'm pregnant. I'm not brainless or frail. I still am who I am, with my same likes and dislikes. I am still perfectly capable of doing things around the house and pulling my weight. I do not want to be catered to like I'm a poor little thing who might just crumble or whither away to nothing.

So, we avoided conflict by carrying on like before. If there's an issue, we discuss it just like always. I find tip-toeing around an issue just because I'm pregnant or "hormonal" (and how I hate that phrase) to be absolutely patronizing.

The only thing I've asked is to be listened to. If I say I'm feeling fine and don't mind cooking dinner, let me. But if I say I'm too tired and would rather rest, please do cook dinner instead. I will ask for help when I need it, otherwise I expect to be treated as I've always have been.

[Writerbird]

As people said in the (identical) thread where your motives were less-charitably interpreted, you "deal" with pregnant women the way you deal with human beings. "Do unto others..."

But I'll throw in the two cents I threw into another thread: Pregnancy hormones do not make me angry (or weepy, or disgusted, or anything else). Pregnancy hormones DO make me uninterested in filtering my reactions and emotions. The basic underlying emotion is exactly the same regardless of my reproductive status.

[mkmama]

As people said in the (identical) thread where your motives were less-charitably interpreted, you "deal" with pregnant women the way you deal with human beings. "Do unto others..."

But I'll throw in the two cents I threw into another thread: Pregnancy hormones do not make me angry (or weepy, or disgusted, or anything else). Pregnancy hormones DO make me uninterested in filtering my reactions and emotions. The basic underlying emotion is exactly the same regardless of my reproductive status.

i love how you worded that! I hate when my DH says "its the hormones". and you know what, no...it doesn't even matter if it is "hormones" that cause the reactions...the point is i'm feeling that way right NOW and it doesn't matter the cause. don't blame her feelings of saddness/anger/whatever on hormones!

[barefootpoetry]

THere is a lot of great advice on this thread, but I really want to second the hormones comment. Don't ever ever EVER tell a pregnant woman "it's just your hormones." (FTR don't ever say that to a PMSing woman either.) To a man it makes perfect sense to blame hormones for turning his pregnant wife/girlfriend/friend/coworker into a crazy person. But trust me, that is NOT what she wants to hear. Regardless of the source behind the craziness, these are still legit feelings and emotions that she is experiencing, and to have them dismissed as "just hormones" will make her feel ten times worse....and hate you ten times more. :wink

And honestly, even if you couldn't blame hormones, pregnancy would make ANYBODY into a lunatic. Try it sometime! You're tired and sore pretty much all the time. You're nauseous one minute and voracious the next. You can't get comfortable when you sleep, or at any other time for that matter. You have a teeny tiny person inside you kicking the life out of your internal organs. You're forbidden from doing anything fun like having a few drinks, going on a rollercoaster, or even taking an ibuprofen when you have a headache. I could go on and on. Pregnancy can be a joyous time, but it's certainly not a picnic. Please keep this in mind when that pregnant woman in your life gets b!tchy. She really can't help it.

[Gnatty]

This may not help if she is already upset, but tell her she is beautiful. :-) Even if she feels like a beached whale. If you're sincere, she may not believe you but she will probably appreciate it. Also, my husband has regularly told me that he is proud of me. That helped lots as I went through hideous morning sickness, and now, as I grumble that putting on socks while pregnant should be an olympic sport. :lol

[riverundine]

don't get offended (or make it apparent)
let her vent
show more compassion than you ever knew you had

[Barcino]

You dont "deal" with them - you help them and love them ;)
Just be patient and try to go out of your way to do something kind and or romantic. Your body does a number on you so anything extra helps ;)