Welfare moms

[Greaseball]

I'm not single, or on welfare, but I really hate it when other people give welfare moms a bad time. I don't think a woman should be forced to live in poverty, be deprived of basic needs and human rights, and have to work in a miminum-wage job and leave her child in full-time day care. I'm also sick of all the misconceptions about women on welfare - like they all have six kids, they all do drugs, etc.

I know a few welfare mothers who use drugs, and I know MANY non-welfare mothers who use drugs. Why are the welfare mothers somehow worse?

I realize that for several reasons, teenage women should not have babies, but the fact is, sometimes they do. Should we punish those babies by denying their mothers welfare checks, affordable housing and medical care, and foodstamps?

About welfare moms being a burden to society - I for one am GLAD that my tax dollars can go to disadvantaged women and children! I'd much rather it go to them than to any of the other things it goes to.

Remember, women do not impregnate themselves. These impoverished children are a result of MEN as well as women - men who frequently do nothing to care for them. If the men were providing adequately for the children they created, women would not need welfare in the first place!

All mothers, no matter what their age, marital status, or how many children they have, deserve the right to raise those children themselves - which does not mean keeping them in day care! All mothers also deserve comfortable, secure, spacious, affordable housing; nutritious, high-quality food; the right to breastfeed exclusively without resorting to pumps or formula; the right to remain at home with their children as long as they see the need to; quality medical care (not Medicaid) for ALL medical conditions; and the right to go to school (and bring the child to class with them) instead of working.

In reality, women on welfare (actually, women period) are not given these rights. Raising a child and keeping a house while single is probably the hardest work there is - and people call welfare moms "lazy"! I think they deserve so much more than they are getting.

[AmandasMom]

Personally, I'd rather support a single mom or dad on welfare for a year or two or three, rather then have him/her have to put baby in "day care". I believe the first few years are extrememly important, and all moms or dads should be home teaching and interacting and loving their children....

[daylily]

Yes, it really irks me when welfare mothers are all tarred with the same brush as drug abusing, lousy, lazy, good for nothing mothers. A mother's work should be valued. Good parents are contributing to society and if a mother is single, with young children, then she should be able to recieve welfare without feeling ashamed.

[Greaseball]

Some people think that if you don't have a *paid* job (one that gets taxed) then you aren't worth anything to society and you're nothing but a burden.

But really, who does more for society - a mother, or the owner of McDonald's?

Also, as far as drug use, we all pay for it whether it's a welfare mom or not. Plenty of single men are in prison for drugs - we pay for that.

[*Erin*]

Good point greaseball about men in prison. I read that it costs taxpayers $56,000 a year to house and keep one man in prison . Thats twice what we make a year. Welfare is there for a reason. I hate our idiot president for making welfare even harder to get, and cutting funding for early-ed and head-start progs. He also cut millions from a prog designed to feed low income schoolkids healthy,free breakfast and lunch when that is all some of those kids eat all day. GRRRRRRRRRR

[peatree]

I think the statement that teenagers shouldn't have children can be hurtful to alot of us teenage parents. Focusing on the idea that teens have no business having children only further stigamatizes teen parents and does little to encourage them to be thoughtful parents. What teen parents need is encouragement and support for the often very hard decision to actually bear and raise these children. I think this is a great thread and it touches on many topics that really hit home with me, but coming from a teen mother and knowing many wonderful teen parents I'm especially sensitive to the subtle and somtimes, unfortunate shaming that these young people (usually women) have to face. I think the issue isnt whether or not teens have any business having children at all, but rather the fact that not just SOME, but ALOT do have children and they need support. Just my 2 cents.

[daylily]

I hear you, peatree. I was not technically a teenaged mother, but I had my first born at 23 and I looked about 19 at the time and the subtle discrimination continues to this day, even though I'm now 33. One example (of many): During the 2000 election campaign, the Green Party was very eager to get signatures from people demanding that Ralph Nader be put on the ballot in every state. One day, at our local farmers' market, there was a Green Party table set up, soliciting signatures. I was there with 3 of my 4 children and I went up to sign the petition, and the woman at the table looked at me doubtfully and said "Are you registered to vote?" I was the ONLY person she questioned that way. I'm sure she saw a young mama with a brood of kids and immediately made the assumption that I was uneducated, ignorant, voiceless, etc. (Sure, I was dressed rather sloppily at the time, but it was 7:30 in the morning!)

Anyway, welfare mothers are criticized, but teen welfare mothers are positively vilified. You hardly ever hear people complaining about "teen fathers" or "welfare fathers."

[Forest Sage]

It is my belief that compassion alone will not help the poverty disaster. The only people who dedicate their talent and intellect to finding solutions for this problem are people who have BEEN THERE.
Do you know that it is the wealthiest people who leave nothing to charity in their wills? I will find the exact figure, but it will make you sick.
Please, no flames. I know there are wealthy people who are very charitable and loving. But the people who have the real power ($$$$) generally do not care, and use words like "tough love" and "accountability" so as to keep the dependent people dependent. This society makes it next to impossible to get ahead, or get out of the cycle of poverty.
Since I don't have alot of time right now, I'll copy this list that I posted in Activism, in case people have not seen it.
It is an example of how, if you need help, the 'system' thinks you are not entitled to have any privacy at all.

The Ministry of Community and Social Services form to determine spousal status for social assistance includes the following questions:

~Who pays for the groceries and other household supplies?
~If you have a will, is your co-resident mentioned in it?
~Has your co-resident been appointed in your will as executor, beneficiary or guardian of your children?
~Do people think of you as a couple?
~Do you and your co-resident entertain together as a couple?
~Do other people invite the two of you over together?
~Do you go out with your co-resident to dinner, movies, social events or sporting events? Who pays?
~Do you and your co-resident attend holiday celebrations together?
~Does he/she buy holiday presents?
~Who eats meals with you at home?
~Who does the weekly meal planning and how is it decided when to order takeout/in or cook at home?
~Does your co-resident ever do your laundry (or the children's)?
~Do you ever open each other's mail?
~Do people think of you and your co-resident as a family?
~Do your children receive gifts from your co-resident's employer or attend events sponsored by your co-resident's employer?

I'll be back later with bells on.
Amie

[daylily]

Forest Sage, I'm convinced that large ammounts of money corrupt people. The more they get, the more they want and to hell with anyone who gets in their way. Why else would super profitable corporations like McDonald's push to expand and yet at the same time lobby against raising the minimum wage?

[Forest Sage]

"The more you can increase fear of drugs and crime, welfare mothers, immigrants and aliens, the more you can control all the people."
Noam Chomsky

I think one of the reasons wealth refuses to acknowlege poverty is because wealth sees in poverty the EXACT same thing that drives it - fear of powerlessness. Wealth is about image making, and it's about presenting itself as worthy, great, potent and indestructible.
But a vital part of keeping wealth invincible is keeping poverty dependent. In an egalitarian state welfare moms would be as powerful and revered as Julia Roberts.

Large corporations and banks have convinced people there is not enough money for things such as education, welfare, health care, unemployment insurance, legal aid, etc.

One of the things my premier did to get into power was declare that the government was not in the business of housing people.

The poverty rate for single parent families in my city is 60%. If a single welfare mom or dad is lucky enough to find an apartment for $325 inclusive, (Canadian dollars) they will still be spending 63% of their income on shelter. Living on welfare certainly isn't the 'free ride' alot of people think it is.

I live in a university town that is very resistant to see the problem of poverty and homelessness (which is on par with Toronto's). Right now, despite overwhelming opposition to building it, there is a 42 million dollar hockey arena being built in our core. It just doesn't matter what we serfs have to say!
Amie

[Greaseball]

Peatree - Oops, I apologize. I realize that must have sounded bad when I wrote that teenagers shouldn't have babies. I guess what I meant to say is that for most teens (under 18, I mean), at least all the ones I knew in high school, raising a baby can be harder than for an adult, and there are a lot of reasons not to have a baby so young.

Some teens, especially those just starting out in puberty, will have an extra hard time carrying and delivering a baby. I know many who have had cesareans, partly because of the medical community and its arbitrary rules, of course, but it could have been due to their underdeveloped bodies as well.

Also, most teens are in high school, and many of them have never had a job. I don't know of any high schools that allow a student to bring a baby to class, so many teen moms do not get to finish hs. Many teens' parents are not happy about the pregnancy and will not help in any way - some even throw their kids out of the house. Teen fathers are notorious for doing NOTHING. The last stat I read said only 20% contribute any kind of help at all.

The jobs one can get while under 18 do not pay a decent living wage to support a family. One cannot usually rent an apartment if they are under 18. The stresses of raising a family, in my opinion, are too much too soon for the average teenager.

I did not mean that teens couldn't make good parents. I think if they can get around all these obstacles, they can. I believe there is a lot more to being a good parent than your age.

Also, every teen I knew in hs who got pg, got that way by an older man who had no business with teen girls. But, of course, it's easier to blame and shame women. I think all teen moms deserve so much more support than they are getting.

[Greaseball]

Forest Sage - Also, I read that the people who contribute to charities usually have annual incomes of around $10,000. And that when rich people make donations, it's to organizations that benefit other rich people - museums, opera houses, etc.

Another thing I don't get is the notion that charging everyone a percentage of their income for taxes is supposed to be fair. Or we can use the church example of a 10% donaiton -

If you make $4000 a month, you can probably afford to part with $400, but if your monthly income is only $800, there is no way you can do without that $80!

[Tori]

Wow, it's really nice to hear that! As a single mom of two little ones it's nice to know that not everyone looks down on me for getting help through DSS. I am probably not the typical welfare mom, just made a very poor choice for a husband who moved away to who knows where when my first was almost 7 months and had just found out I was pregnant with second. I did not go on welfare at first because I felt embarrased. I also don't like telling people about it because I stay at home with my kids during the day. I was babysitting during the day so I could take my kids with me and going to school at night. Now I am waitressing on the weekends, something I never thought I would do and still in school at night. I am scared to death of the day I have to put my children in day care, which will happen soon so I can go to school full time.

[laralou]

OT: Tori, I would recommend looking into a home-based daycare. I was a single mom for most of ds's life and he was in daycare. The only places he wasn't mistreated were in home-based daycares. You have to be careful but I had terrible experiences with every institutional place I tried. Just thought I would share this.

[saige]

I just wanted to say-Tori,you sound like a great Mom!!!:D :thumb

[Tori]

Thank you so much for telling me that, I definatly try to make the right choices and decisions for my children's benifits and I know I am doing the best I can but I do worry that I could do things even better and for a stranger to say that brought tears to my eyes because sometimes I do wonder if I am doing a good job. I definatly need to hear that!:)

[jelleebear]

Tori, the fact that you are concerned about how your choices impact on your children prove that you are a good mother. Being a good mother has nothing to do with whether you have a partner or what your income is or where you get it from.
I get very tired of hearing people bag out single parents and those who get government money. To be honest I would prefer my tax money to be spent on single parents rather than on politician benefits (which I believe are excessive).
I am a single mum of a 3.5yr old. I get alot of flak from people because I'm a single parent, I receive some government money (but then everyone I know receives some government money via family allowance) and that fact that my son is autistic; something which some people believe is a direct result from my single status.
I live in Australia, so the pension system here is different, but that attitudes are not, unfortunately. It's very sad, because these children are our next generation and we should be doing all we can to try and make things better.

[amy mama]

I was going to post here to voice support for teen mothers-but peatree did such a great job-there's not much left for me to say!

[member]

WOW! What a really great post and so much support going 'round. It was really nice to get online and see this. Wado to Greaseball for starting the thread and to all who contribute(d). I love my welfare mommy.

[telekinetic pyro]

Originally posted by daylily
I hear you, peatree. I was not technically a teenaged mother, but I had my first born at 23 and I looked about 19 at the time and the subtle discrimination continues to this day, even though I'm now 33. One example (of many): During the 2000 election campaign, the Green Party was very eager to get signatures from people demanding that Ralph Nader be put on the ballot in every state. One day, at our local farmers' market, there was a Green Party table set up, soliciting signatures. I was there with 3 of my 4 children and I went up to sign the petition, and the woman at the table looked at me doubtfully and said "Are you registered to vote?" I was the ONLY person she questioned that way. I'm sure she saw a young mama with a brood of kids and immediately made the assumption that I was uneducated, ignorant, voiceless, etc. (Sure, I was dressed rather sloppily at the time, but it was 7:30 in the morning!)

Anyway, welfare mothers are criticized, but teen welfare mothers are positively vilified. You hardly ever hear people complaining about "teen fathers" or "welfare fathers."

I can totally relate. I was 21 when my son was born (I found out I was pregnant on my 21st b-day) and I look about 16. When I'm not at work I dress like a slob. Baggy jeans, too big t-shirts, sandles. When I was on leave I took my son the mall alot because it was too cold (in Nov/Dec) to have a newborn out in the cold and it was a way for me to get out of the house and get some exersice. I was browsing through a jewelery store one day, looking for a mother's ring (which I'm going to get tonight! :) ) and when I told the girl what I was looking for, she says "well our lower cost ring are this way" I was just like, wait a minute, I never asked for lower cost rings, I asked about mother's ring in general. You can just let me decide what fits in my budget. She just assumed that I was a teenage mother and probably single since I had been at the mall everyday for two weeks by myself.

[mamafinn]

Being a welfare mom is in truth a real drag. I was two months from college graduation when I concieved my girl and after graduation I pretty much had to relocate to work. No family, no partner, no friends, nada. MOst of my pregnancy and Finn's first 6 months were a grinding struggle, trying to cover food, housing, diapers... Being broke was always an issue, always on my mind. It's strange how poverty affects every aspect of your life. It just taps you out.
Going on public assistance helped; knowing that we will eat, and eat well, gives a tough day a really nice ending. Having Medicaid and not hesitating to take her to the doctor with bad, bad croup may have saved her life. I'm grateful for the help.
At the same time, it's degrading having to spill your life out; financial, educational, legal, familial, occupational, and personal if there is paternity issues, all for $400 a month. The poor have no rights, least of all privacy rights. And I don't tell people. I know the least busy times at the co-op, and the cashier who is herself on food stamps and so won't give me the eye. I've started a business and I certainly don't tell my business partners as I don't want to deal with the funny oh-well-that-changes-everything stare that comes when people do find out.
My situation is improving now and I hope to be on my own in two or three months. The past year of monthly expense/income sheets, photocopies of all reciepts, endless forms asking redundant questions and all those odd looks have given me a lot of humility, a ton of empathy and a fantastic babyhood for my daughter. In the end it's worth it because the shitty attitudes belong to other people and the minute I look into Finn's eyes, I forget them.

I agree with Greaseball's list of things all mothers (and their children) should have, but welfare is not the way to get them. These things come from having a supportive social community, whether it's family, friends, a partner, whatever. There is no government in the world that can provide for all the needs of all it's people. That is the job of society, not government. What welfare should provide is a safety net, maybe rough and crude, but enough to catch you before you fall.
I haven't enjoyed being on public assistance, but I knew when I was pregnant that by choosing to have my baby I was choosing the results too. Being a mama, single and fresh out of school I was choosing to be poor for at least a couple of years. I get most of the credit, blame, or glory for how my life turns out because I'm the one calling the shots.
I hope this post doesn't sound preachy, but I get tired of both the demonization of welfare recipients, and the way that our society encourages not taking responsibility for the world we have created. One feeds the other.

Thank you for the chance to blab about this. I didn't realize how much I had to say and how badly I wanted to say it.

Take care,
Brenda

PS. Yammer - Your quote about Judas and Christ is perfect; absolutely truthful.

[Forest Sage]

Brenda, Tori, I support you!
It never ceases to amaze me that people applaud a family who earns great money working for a big corporation, while looking contemptuously on a mother who needs support because she wants to care for her babies herself instead of putting them in daycare. I mean, why are these people so revered when the actual rate of welfare fraud is 3%, and the value of corporate crimes is 88 times that of welfare fraud?

[Skyemama]

I am a single woman on welfare. I never thought that I would be saying either part of that sentence. What has happened just wasn't part of the "plan". I have a degree in Women's Studies and was preparing for graduate school when I got pregnant. My partner (my son's father) and I split last year when we couln't survive the emotional and financial stress of losing our business and suddenly being broke. We lost everthing, including eachother.
I could go back to school, I could get a full time job, I could start an in-home day care. If it came down to survival, I would do these things. However, I found a way. I was willing to do almost anything to figure out a way to be home with my almost 2 year old son. I applied to deliver newspapers in the middle of the night where I would put my sleeping son in the carseat, I guess I was over-qualified, I didn't get the job. I am now doing afterschool care for some family friends where he can come with me, I make $600 a month. My rent is $675. The rest is made up by what ever my son's father is able to give me that month and the "system".
I love being a mom, it is my world, and I do it very well. But this is hard. I had planned on staying home with my son, homeschooling, the whole bit. I never counted on this. The worst part is the shame. I feel like I lose another piece of my dignity every time I pass that flag-colored food stamps card to the cashier, every time I have to get my employer to sign the paper stating how much she pays me (I tell her it's just for medicaid for my son), every time I walk into that crowded, filthy office where the toys are an inch deep in crud, to talk to my incredibly over-burdened caseworker. I am willing to go through all of this, anything for my son. I have a wonderful group of friends, none of them know. I know they would be supportive, but I feel too ashamed. I know inside I am doing the best that I can do, but the stgma is huge. I encounter working mom's all the time that would shutter to know my truth. I just know in my heart that I am doing the right thing, I just wish society thought the same thing.
Peace

[lilablue]

edited

[lilablue]

PS - Skye Mama

please don't be ashamed. I cried the first time I went into the welfare office with my six week old baby in my arms. But I let that be the last time it made me feel like dirt. As a matter of fact, my caseworker is a big fat mean and very sloth-like woman on whom I call supervisors all the time - she fails at every turn. I let them know it. I don't even care that they don't care. Their phone messages from me are the bane of their existence. Next time they jack you around - get on the phone to your district HQ and get the superivisor of your office on the phone. Watch how fast they clean up their mistakes.

I take my Bel-Air raised, private university educated ass into the local health food store and pay for our food with food stamps with a smile on my face. I like counting out the ones to make exact change. I like it when the people behind me nervously toy with their Prada bags when they see my foodstamps. Reality check. I thank god each time I get the cash aid that doesn't even cover half of our rent each month. My girlfriends are all people with nice homes and trips to France and the whole bit. They all know this has happened to me. It doesn't mean anything.

Don't let some stupid public misconception about what we are going through - and it is temporary, get you down. You need all the dignity and pride you can muster, for your son. Don't give up any head space to anything but that you will make it - and some day things will be different, and you will have survived.

take care.

[Forest Sage]

Lilablue, I hope you went back and read all the posts. I can imagine how angry and defensive it makes you, however, this discussion has been pro-welfare and positive. I am an anti-poverty advocate who will soon be apprenticing with Life*Spin (Low Income Family Empowerment Sole-Support Parent Information Network) http://www.execulink.com/~life/
I just wanted to let you know this is a safe place to talk about this kind of stuff. I'd like to think most of us are well informed and we "don't believe the hype."

[lilablue]

Not sure what you mean forest. I was just sayng how I feel. Not flaming anyone's post...

Maybe you read me wrong.

[telekinetic pyro]

Originally posted by lilablue
The courts are f-ed up. The system is entirely wrong. That jerk should AUTOMATICALLY have his right to her terminated after one year if he fails to show up and put up.


I'm not trying to start a p!ssing contest but I would like to ask you to clarify that statement. Do you mean that after one year of no contact, he should never again have the right to see his child? If that is the case, what if he were paying support but just didn't see his daughter for that one year period?

[Forest Sage]

Lilablue, I misconstrued your first post as flamage because you said you read five posts before getting cranked up. I thought you had read something here that pissed you off. My apologies. I'm not well aquainted with the social assistance system in California....is there a possibility that you could deal with another caseworker?

[lilablue]

any caseworker in California is a mess.The sad thing is, if they were more efficient and ran the thing in a professional way, so much more could be done.

I've been trying to get info regading MediCal for two weeks now and have spoken to a dozen different people with no answers. It's such a monumental waste of time and resources. What takes them a month to do, would take any normal professional perosn on the outside one day to do - wasting that much time doing menial things is a huge waste of money too.

It's sad, and I'm sorry I have to be part of it right now...

[Skyemama]

Lilablue,
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. It helps to hear from others in my situation that have overcome the shame. I am sorry about what you are going through with your child's father. It must be really scary to imagine your child going to him if something ever happened to you. In that sense the "system" does fail us. In order for me to get my "benefits" they make me jump through so many hoops I feel like a trick poodle!
The latest from our wonderful government...
The Republican portion of our great legislature is trying to push a bill that requires single welfare moms to work 40 hours per week! Who are they kidding!?
:jaw

[Greaseball]

What is the process for getting cash assistance like? How long does it take?

Are there any situations where a mother is not required to work? I heard in three states mothers on welfare are allowed to go to college instead of working. What about if she gets pregnant again - does she still have to work? How long after delivery does she have to go to work?

How much per month can a mother earn and still get welfare? What if she also gets child support?

Is having a male caseworker different than a female?

Do they say anything to try and dissuade you from applying for assistance?

And do they do "surprise visits" at your home?

I think Mothering should be free for women on welfare.

[lilablue]

Originally posted by telekinetic pyro


I'm not trying to start a p!ssing contest but I would like to ask you to clarify that statement. Do you mean that after one year of no contact, he should never again have the right to see his child? If that is the case, what if he were paying support but just didn't see his daughter for that one year period?



No Pyro - if he pays support then it's not abandonment in the court's eyes. It's only if there is no contact and no support paid atl all.

[telekinetic pyro]

Ok, just clarifying. I'm kind of one the opposite end of the spectrum. I have a stepdaughter, who my husband rarely sees. He does pay his support faithfully, every pay check. in addtion to cards and letters and gift for holidays. He just doesn't talk to her or see her very often (although we are working to change this)

[Tori]

I don't know how it works everywhere elce but from what I do know so far: I stopped receiving or will stop next month any cash assistance because in the state of maryland if your youngest child is at least six months old you have to participate in a job club. Meaning you have to make so many contacts with so many jobs a week etc. You also have to accept any offer you get. You then have to work 30 hours a week to continue to receive any cash assistance. I tried working on the weed-ends but this was too hard to work out. My father was watching my kids while I am taking classes at night as well. I told them I refused to put my kids in day care and they were like well you won't get any more assistance. I will still get food stamps which are a big help but not enough.
You get nothing for being in school as far as I know. There are ways to get around things and different programs etc. but if you don't already know what they are so you can ask, or if your case workers are not helpful, like most, you got to figure it out and ask around. I am planning on going back to school sometime soon and I am not really sure how I will work out childcare?
Oh yeah, I am a single mom of 2 who is not receiving any child support.

It is a huge pain applying for assistance and takes a while for all the paperwork to go through and slightly embarrasing at times asking people to fill stuff out for you. They do retroactivate it if that makes sense. It goes into effect from the time you filled out the forms, eventhough you may not get anything right away.
The amount of money you get is based on your family size an income etc.
No one has actually come to my house for a visit except when I had my first baby. I think that was through my health insurence company though or the health department to check to see if I knew what I was doing. Department of Social Services has never visited though.

[Skyemama]

Well... The wonderful House in our government approved the tighter restrictions on welfare moms today. Requiring moms to work 40 hours per week.
As stated in the article I read...

"Under current law, a welfare recipient may take vocational education courses for a year and still be counted as ''working,'' Cardin said. That option is gone from the GOP bill."

"Along party lines, the House rejected 222-198 the Democratic package. That bill would have provided $11 billion more for child care, opened aid to legal immigrants and let states put welfare mothers in education and training programs."
:cuss :cuss

What can we do??? I feel so helpless!!!!

[jelleebear]

That's ridiculous that you HAVE to go to work when your youngest is 6mths. I'm feeling decidedly lucky living in Australia right now. Currently there is no legislation to FORCE single parents into paid work outside the home - although they are trying. The government should not be able to dictate that a certain group of people have to work rather than stay at home with their children.
They also talked about making our payments in the form of a card - so we don't actually get cash, the government have a record of where we spend our money and what on - how demoralising.

[lilablue]

edited

[jelleebear]

Oh lilablue, I wish there was something that I could do to help you, I really feel for you. I know that it's really hard, but try not to stress too much, that'll only make you sick and definately won't help you or bubs. Can you appeal the decision? I hope you've got some great family and friends around to help you through this time and let us know how you're going. I'll be praying for lots of really good things to go your way.

[Tori]

Lilablue, don't give up! you WILL be okay. I am not sure how things work where you are but I would try to appeal it. Although I am not quite sure I understand why they canceled on you anyway. It will work out. you mentioned you would do day care? Maybe you could nanny? I was able to take my daughter with me to someones house. It worked out great. Our kids were 6 months apart and feeding and naps worked out very well and the family and I are very close now. She even bought a used twin stroller so we could go for walks. I definatly agree you shouldn't put her in day care to work but if you have to, you have to there ARE good daycare faculities out there that aren't too expensive. Don't give up and don't get stressed, just think about your beautiful baby and how you are doing what is best for her/him and he/she will totally appreciate it all when it gets older. It will one day think what a great mama I've got!!!!

[Skyemama]

lilablue,
I am so sorry that you feel this way. I know exactly how horrible it feels. You could be telling my story 4 months ago. Listen, you can do this. You can find a way. I promised I would not give up until I found something, I would not give into the daycare system. I was so blessed to find a nanny job where I could bring my son. Brainstorm until you are blue in the face, something will happen. That is such a heavy cloud hanging over you right now and it hurts so much, but know you will find a way. Minimize your material lives as much as you can. I have a completely different view on material items now, I even know how to bargain shop thrift stores, and garage sales are always good too. You can do this.
The latest on my nightmare with the system... We have to reapply every 3 months in Florida. I turned my paperwork in a week early. When I never heard anything back I called to find out that I had an appointment that I was never told about and missed. They proceeded to tell me that they would send me another appt. Again I called and again they said I missed an appointment that I was never informed of. I told them that I was unable to get a hold of my case worker, the reply was "Oh, she is gone, you have a new caseworker. There is a pretty high turnover here, this isn't the best job in the world.". This is what I get from the people who hold my food in their hands. Now I have an appointment for the 23rd of this month. What good does it do to give me food money for this month at the end of the month? They don't care, they don't try and they certainly don't see you as a human being, much less a mother trying to feed her baby. I am going to raise hell when I go in there. What good will it do? Nothing, that case worker will leave just like the rest of them, I have had a different worker every one of the 4 months I have been a part of this system.
Powerless, to say the very least.

[telekinetic pyro]

Originally posted by Tori
if you have to, you have to there ARE good daycare faculities out there that aren't too expensive.

I agree, there are daycares out there that are good that won't cost you an arm and a leg. It takes some work to find and you have to spend a lot of time, interviewing and researching everybody but they are out there. I had a fantastic daycare provider up until two weeks ago. My ds was the only one under 2 and she only had to other kids. A 2.5 year old, part time and a 5 year old. He had all the attention the could ever want or need, he was never left to lay and cry, even for a minute (in fact one day when I got there to pick him up, he was laying on the floor and started to ah, ah, ah and she leaped off the couch to run and pick him up) I'm looking for a new provider now because she passed away suddenly. I have spend every night for the past two weeks interviewing people to find out who would work for my ds. Finally I met a lady that will be great. All older kids (mostly after school) a real grandmother type, loves to hold babies. And she only charge $100/week for full time and $55/week for part time.

So, if you are willing to do some work and put a little effort into it, it is possible to find daycare that won't have her "psychology getting maimed for life" Good luck in your search

[Greaseball]

In my state, every time I have gotten Medicaid or food stamps, they won't even tell me the name of the caseworker. They mail you this letter-number code and when you call the 800# (which is constantly busy, it takes several WEEKS before you are able to get thru, and you get cut off a lot when you do connect) and you have to ask for that code, and then you are taken to a voicemail to talk to. Of course, no one calls you back, and you are given a new caseworker every month.

Also, their phone system is set up so you can't *66 when it's busy - you just have to sit there and redial. And if you call the AFS office in your city they just say "We can't help you, you have to call the 800# when it's not busy and leave a message for your caseworker."

[lilablue]

I must be on the right track. I have several flyers up around town at various mommy-friendly places to provide childcare. I visited acouple last week who have a two month old - but Ithink they think it's too much with my babe there to - but I will keep trying and keep putting up flyers for that.

I found out today the one thing they won't cancel is the medical -which is a relief.
The state medical coverage is pretty awful - but I just need to be covered incase of a big
accident or something big. Baby has good medical coverage and that is what's important now.

LA is a different kind of place I think in terms of daycare and child care expectations. I wonder
if I will find a family who will allow me to work with baby with me... I hope I will.

I was out walking DD this afternoon and saw a house around the corner from ours that's $400
less per month and twice as big. I didn't realize (we just moved last month) that this neighborhood
could go so cheap. I'm wondering if I will anger my new landlords if I ask them to reduce my rent $200

I'm going to go look at the other house this weekend. It's not as pretty as ours is now - but has an
extra office and garage space - ans CHEAPER.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I know I'm meant to do what's best for the baby and I will.

I'm sorry we don't have better standards in this country for legitiamte mothers who need help
when their kids are so small and there's no other support around.

[Forest Sage]

Originally posted by lilablue
I'm sorry we don't have better standards in this country for legitiamte mothers who need help
when their kids are so small and there's no other support around.
Amen to that! Someday it WILL change. Never give up.

[Skyemama]

I have been inspired.
I woke up with my little one beside me at 6:30 this morning with a million ideas running through my head.
It happens that the woman that I nanny for is one of the head people of the Bill Bradley campaign for the Governor of Florida. He is running against Janet Reno in the primaries. Anyway, I spent an hour with her yesterday on a rage about our system. I wanted to know what her candidate planned to do about welfare reform. After talking to her and anyone else who would listen to me yesterday I began to get ideas. I am very serious about doing something to change the system. Grassroots efforts DO make changes. I want to know how someone gets the chance to speak before congress. I once sat in front of the Florida legislature lobbying for a masters program in Women's Studies at my university, we got it. I am also contemplating a photojournalistic style compilation of the REAL faces of welfare. The woman that I work for was telling me about the governments campaign to make welfare moms look like drug addicted abusive mothers in order for the general public to support their reform ideas. I want to change this misconception. The actual average length of time a woman is on public assistance is 4 months, not years like they would like everyone to believe.
I am not afraid to fight the system and I refuse to sit here helpless any longer.
Do you all have any ideas?

[Tori]

Skyemama,
"Wow". Thats all I can say. Sorry I don't have any ideas right now.

[lilablue]

i pmd you about this skyemama

[LupaQuince]

Hi everyone,

I'm a single mom with a four month old baby and a ten year old boy and an eight year old girl. I have a dream of creating a self-sustaining community that would serve the needs of single mothers while allowing them to attachment parent. I see this as a viable alternative to the whole welfare mom thing, which as most of us know doesn't come close to meeting the needs of moms and babies. I will post more about my idea, but in the mean time, anyone interested is welcome to email me.

Lupa

[Nanner]

I am 21 with a 20 mth old dd, living with my wonderful parents. I just told my Mom that if I did not have the excellent family support I have, I would be living on food stamps and welfare and would also attend school (paid for by the govt.) to be a teacher (which is what I am doing now, just my parents pay for it). I think any woman who is using the govt. to help them and their child to becoem a better person, you should be proud!!!! You are raising a child- the best job in the world. I can see how you could feel ashamed, but forget what others think of you- you can go places and taking very good care fo your child is very important our society will benefit in the long run!!!
I got prego at 18 by a Loser boyfriend who was 31 at the time- I made bad bad decsions, despite the fact that I come from a very good home, my mom was an LLL leader!
The only real life experience I have had with welfare moms is those that lived off the govt. b/c they were too lazy to work. I lived in a neighborhood where at least 40% of the people received govt assitance- the local grocery store was a mad house on the first of the month. And everyone I saw was people who just did not care about working and milked the govt. The couple living across from us did not work, and the woman had 5 kids that her mother took care of, and yet she was getting the check for them every month. This is extremely ommon in my area. Frankly I have never met anyone who truly needed govt assistant who was on it- everyone I know has been totally capable of getting a job and taking very poor care of their kids.
However, I know there are people out there who really need it and I wish the moochers would stop giving Welfare a bad name! It's such a shame that these people make Welfare look like a handout instead of a leg-up. I think all those mama's who are living on welfare and still giving their kids the best in parenting should be congraulated b/c it takes a very special and strong person to do that.
Sara

[Forest Sage]

Skyemama! You are inspiring! Keep up the good work... The secret to not feeling so helpless is to do what you're doing... talk until you're blue in the face, do your advocacy projects, start chipping away at all of the lies and prejudice until the truth is revealed.

Lila Blue, I found out yesterday that people in my municipality CANNOT change their caseworker. I'm sorry I don't have more knowledge about the systems in the U.S. It's hard enough keeping track of the policy directives of different cities in Ontario. All of Ontario is painted with the same brush, that means someone living in a rural area on a farm has the same "budgetary requirements" as someone living in Toronto in the eyes of Ontario Works (formerly General Welfare). Which of course is ludicrous.

Nanner, of course it's true that there are going to be people who are unwilling to work. After people have been living on welfare for a while it becomes very challenging for them to go out and find work, for various reasons. That's why we need more resources for people in that position. Job banks, clothing banks, counselling, resume help libraries, etc. I won't even get into the pitiful daycare issue. However, I do not believe welfare is a system that is truly meant to help people... it is a system that tries everything to deter people from using it. The same can be said for both the U.S. and Canada. The paradox is that there are not adequate resources to help people get back to self sufficiency. Not everyone can muster the strength to go "out into the world" and start working at a job (which there are not enough of) so they can start getting taxed to death again.

Let's put the blame where it belongs, on the FACT that there are weathly corporations and individuals that use TAX SHELTERS and other devious and unfair ways to get out of their social resposibilities. In Canada, unpaid taxes by corporations and SOARING interest rates account for about 95% of the federal debt. Social programs account for about 5%.
:bang

[Nanner]

I actually was not blaming anyone! I think the system needs a lot of work too! I was trying (though not very well!) to say that the system needs to do more to support those who need it and really give them a leg up, and try to weed out the moochers. I have a friend who is a moocher, I hate to say it, but it's true. She lives with her parents and does not need the money, yet she receives govt assitance such as WIC, food stamps, her school is paid for, and she was getting a welfare check. Her parents make over $100,000 a year and they are hardly lacking. But 2 girls at school told her how she could get hooked up too. I see way too much of that around here. People actually plan to go on welfare, rather than using it as a leg up. And then there are people who really need it who could use a lot more help than it is providing.
Sara

[Greaseball]

I don't believe a mother is "lazy" simply because she doesn't have a PAYING job. Being a mother is the hardest job ever - being a single mother, harder still. I believe that a woman should have the right to stay home with her children and get paid a decent wage for it. Sure, it takes up the taxpayers' money, but so do teachers, police officers, and members of congress, and no one complains about that!

I would much rather my tax dollars go to someone on welfare than to a drug-using congressman.

[Forest Sage]

(((Nanner!!!)))
I'm sorry if it seemed like I was jumping on you! I wasn't trying to attack you! I just have to deal with clients who are being hassled relentlessly by their caseworker when they aren't doing anything wrong. Such as people being investigated for welfare fraud, for no reason. They are in a vulnerable position, and I feel like they're being taken advantage of. Your 'moocher' friend, under the system where I live, would not be getting one red cent! Not even a student loan! It's because the rules are so stringent here that there are alot of people "falling through the cracks."

[Nanner]

I wasn't offended, Forest Sage! I Just hadn't read all of the responses and I honestly do not have a thourough undertsanding of the Welfare system. I wish it did more for those who need it!!!!
Maybe my area just sux at keeping the moochers off of it. Actually, I can guarantee it sucks at that b/c of the reports my friend gave! The workers are way overburdened and nobody has checked to make sure she really does need it.
Sara