dealing with attention

[okura]

this may not be an issue for those of you living in multicultural places like america, NZ, australia etc, but i thought we could share ways of dealing with the reactions (positive and negative) of others towards our mixed race children.

for example, we live in japan and our australian-japanese daughter gets A LOT of postive attention from strangers when we go out. she is only 2 and already telling people 'No' if they look at her too much or talk about her. i didn't think she'd catch on so early.
so, i want to help her in these uncomfortable situations. how do you deal with this type of thing?

[okura]

anyone?

my daughter gets so shy and won't do or say anything so often when we are out because people are pointing her out to their friends or gawking/talking about her in a very obvious way. if she's out with her dad, she blends in and doesn't get special attention for looking different.
should i talk to her about it? explain why this happens or just leave it? sometimes i want to ask people to stop it because it makes her uncomfortable, but that'd be rude and i'd probably create an even bigger scene.

[yvonnemlv]

I think explaining it is a good thing.

[eepster]

DS gets lots of attention and just seems to bask in it. I'm not sure it's the same type of attention that you are talking about, though.

Mostly people just comment about how cute he is and say "hi" and smile. They will ask normal questions like his age or name or the name of his stuffed bunny (who gets a lot of attention too.) They only rarely ask about his heritage.

As a redhead I've always gotten lots of attention too (and people do ask about my heritage quite a lot.) The thing I found was that when I was with my dad, who is generaly comfortable with people and out going, he made it a positive expirience simply by being friendly with people. When questions about heritage came up my dad would talk about ours with great pride, since he is proud of his heritage. Whereas when I was with my mother, she tended to be uncomfortable with it and would get prickly, then it would be a more negative experience.

Attention in and of itself does not have to be a bad thing. I just try to make sure DS knows he gets attentiion b/c he is wonderful and beautiful, and try not to let him think that the attention he gets is b/c he is different or wierd or something. I also want him to grow up with pride in his heritage.

[Katica]

Hi :wave

I`m also a mother of a 18 month old son who is half Japanese. I`ve also noticed all the positive attention he gets from strangers here. We love it though and ds is not bothered by it by any means *yet*.

If your dd is bothered by it I would try to explain to her in very simple terms. Something along the lines that she is getting all the attention because she is very cute and/or funny. And I`ve come to realize that probably is the truth. The *admirers* mean no harm, they truly think our children are very cute...

[nznavo]

I dealt with this every day when my son was a baby. We were in Thailand until he was 1 and got so much attention. It had its pluses and minuses but I have to say it wore on me. People were usually really sweet but some people would just randomly touch him (without otherwise interacting with either of us) while we were walking down the street and that bugged.

I was always wearing him and still he would be touched/prodded/stroked by strangers many times a day. I was told it's good luck to touch a baby. I almost never saw Thai babies in public where we were so I wonder if part of the interest was checking out any baby, never mind a farang one. Often people would touch even if I asked them not to but my crap Thai could come into play here!

Now we're in Singapore and it's not an issue.

[TeaLeaf]

We're not an interracial couple; however, what I have learned over time is that each culture has a different way to look at mixed babies. They can be avoided and hidden as an embarrassment as seen, for example, as a result of certain wars, to completely accepted in the most progressive instances.

When living outside our birth country, we can expect many cultural differences to pop up and potentially make us or the locals uncomfortable ('been there :p); it's a 2 way street. Most of the time, people don't even realize they are doing something different b/c it's part of them. Once made aware, they usually stop or have that choice; it's also our choice to accept the local customs or not.

Our LOs can be taught those differences and depending on how we present these to them, they will react accordingly.

Good luck

[Sakura]

I have gotten quite a few "did you adopt her from China" comments (I'm very blonde, while my dh looks a picture of my Japanese husband), but what really threw me were the TWO times that I was accused of kidnapping her! Both times I was hurrying to get her somewhere on time and I guess it looked suspicious. When I explained that I was her mother, one lady actually said, "But you can't be! She's a little ASIAN baby!!!" Wow! And this in California! I've decided to take the whole thing positively because it means that people care about our children. Also, people apparently think that my baby's so darn cute that crazed white women would be grabbing her off the street! ;p

[elizaveta]

My daughter isn't bi-racial, but she is different from most of the people here and she gets quite a bit of attention. I still haven't found a way to politely deal with situations where it becomes too much. I normally just try to get out of there as soon as possible. :D

[MetasMom]

People say the funniest and dumbest things! A redhead I know has three children with an asian man and she even had nurses doublechecking the baby's wristband after delivery in the hospital.

We're going to have to live with people's comments. We're all multi-racial, genetically speaking. This will start to show more and more by the way coming generations look. And then there will be less comments!

When I was a child, everyone in the U.S. told me that I was the cutest little thing, being a freckled redhead. In Germany, some children tried to make fun of my hair but I was already so brainwashed that there was no way to upset me with comments about my hair. I just answered proudly: "Yes, I am a redhead. Are you jealous?"

Perhaps just a sunhat could shield your child a little bit?

And no matter what the cultural context: If someone reaches out to touch my child, I would say: "No touching!" She has sensory issues and hates being touched by strangers, just like I do myself.

[PrennaMama]

I oft see folks look from dd to me and back, and then come the exclamations of "What a DOLLY... she's just a doll... Are you her nanny?" or "She must look just like dad..."

Dh is Cambodian, I'm mostly Irish Canadian. Dd is 3.

At 2, she did the same thing... I suspect it may also be a developmental stage... carefulness, staying close to mom, and general shyness (even concern) when strangers would show overt interest... I was thankful dd was a cautious child, then.

Now she's quite out-going and talks people up... if they try to converse with me about her, she will interject answers of her own.

[Bunnybee]

Last weekend we were in a store and DD was walking around with me folloeing, and DS was in shoppping cart with DH pushing. This woman, out of nowhere, just blurted out, "oh my, look at her, what a princess, she's gorgeous" or words to that effect. And she kept looking back as she walked away! Yes, I think my daughter is beautiful but it just seemed very odd the way this women reacted. It seemed more like my DD was a spectacle than just a cute kid. Maybe the lady loves kids and would react that way to white babies too (the women was white)? BUt for some reason I just felt weird about the whole thing. I was thinking "do I know this lady?" her whole manner was just so over the top!

[RainCoastMama]

Heh, DH and I had been dealing with looks from the time we started dating, probably because we're a mixed couple with neither of us from a dominant culture. Our kids also cause a lot of attention for the same reason, mostly extreme curiousity. We live in a highly Asian city (like, about 50% Hong Kong immigrants) and we're chased down by everyone from the grocery clerk to old ladies on the street and asked questions. Without doubt every Asian person we encounter will comment on how large DDs' eyes are. DH and I used to have a tally at the end of the day :lol I had no idea this was a 'thing' in the Asian culture until I had kids!

Honestly, we've never had negative experiences (and god save the first person to throw one our way...), but the inordinate amount of attention on their looks had the kids asking questions. We shrug it off. It's human curiosity. It's nice to be told you're pretty by someone. Of course, DD parrots my words "...but you also have to be pretty on the inside."

We'll see what happens when we take them to Japan :shy

[mad cow]

hello okura.

my kids are older than yours and are quite often uncomfortable with the attention. I tell them that sadly they will continue to get this attention and that they just have to learn to live with it. while I try to explain to them that being born in japan, raised in japan and never having lived anywhere else, they are 100 percent Japanese, and their MOTHER is gaijin. but, with not black hair and not black eyes, they are also, GAIJIN. I hope that by example and by some form of osmosis they learn to appreciate their uniqueness and to embrace their non-japanese roots.

I hope that they will grow in to the comfort with the discomfort.

[my2kidz]

I can totally relate to you because I am biracial (white/black) and lived in Tokyo for 3 months on a modeling assignment. I got loads of positive attention and honestly loved it. There just isn't much diversity in Japan so when they see someone of a different cultural decent they do tend to gawk or comment. Teach her to love it and be proud. Encourage her to say "thank you" to the nice comments. Raise her self esteem so she learns to relish in the attention instead of reacting negatively. Say something like "oh, this nice lady things your so beautiful, can you say thank you?" When she's older, her self confidence will be great. She might as well embrace it! You don't get that kind of attention in the U.S., I miss it sometimes :)

[Merilin]

We do not have children yet. But my husband does stick out in the US. No one ever comments negatively on it, but people remember us very well - not so, if I am doing things without him. The same people who would recognize "us" took much longer to recognize "me, without him". Sometimes in restaurants it can be akward, when the waiters only talk to me and ignore dh, or when looking for place to rent, it is soo much easier, if I go and check things out and make the first connection, instead of him.

On the other hand, the situation is reversed, when we are in his home country, where I stick out, with having reddish hair, being slim (and not superskinny), and tall (3-4 heads taller than a lot of woman). Bit cities are less of problem than country sides. I had elementry schools kids once swarming around me, testing their first english words shyly and just being excited to see someone like me and on other occasions, people in asked my husband if I am allright and what happened to me, that I grew that tall - I am 5.10, not that anusual.

Part is just normal curiosity and I prefer if people ask and make seemingly silly comments and learn that way, than if it is they silently discriminate against us. Same as I am excused in a foreign country, because I do not know all the rules of proper conduct, I find people with little exposure to other culture should be a bit excused as well, when they are curious and excited and thus behave sometimes accidentely rudly.

What I do not accept is rude behavior just because we are foreign looking. But I don't think that was your problem in the first place. It is strange to receive so much attention, but I am sure you can help teach your child how to deal with it and show her a polite way to react to situations, that embarres her.

[KathinJapan]

We are also in Japan.
I got some good advice from the book *Does anybody look like me?* I think th at is the title, currently out on loan or I would check.

Somebody joked my DD would think her name was *cute* b/c that is what everybody called her.:wink

I say things like *all children are beautiful/cute/wonderful* and have spent time with DD talking about her beautiful features, but what makes her really beautiful is being herself, what is on the inside.

My girls look a little more like their dad, which is fine. Some people have made sort of negative remarks about it, as if it would have been better for them to have looked more like me...

It is a long road.
I think it is important for children to feel comfortable and proud of the way they look.
Kathryn

[ernalala]

It is a strange thing!

On the one hand I am often being recognized by others in my 'host country' (Turkey) as a 'foreigner', on the other hand I have the kind of looks that also seems to blend in for other locals, who do not (initially) seem to recognise me as a foreigner.
When recognised as such you feel the looks, and you often literally hear them say when you pass/behind your back 'yabancı' litterally meaning 'foreigner' (how lovely :eyesroll), they aften assume sice you are 'foreign' you do not have a clue what is been said, so sometimes I might hear more of their comments (often based on curiosity, but at times very offending, very rude, have had some really bad experiences, luckily isolated incidents). It also happened many times that people have been staring at me and my kids, you really get the feeling like you're 'screened' head to toe. Not very pleasant. Sometimes downright funny, I mean it is so over the top that I cannot but laugh about it.
Really, I do have the kind of looks (light brown hair, pale but not ivory skin, with freckles, small posture) that is also found among Turkish locals, Turks are really a blend of all kinds of looks, from fair-skinned to dark skinned, from blonde over red to brown and black (and grey :-), there really is no stereotype that can apply to his people, nor as one could generally apply to all inhabitants of other countries. E.g. My ILs initially expected a blonde, blue-eyed bride, and my hair (dyed) and eyes were olive black :-)!
I must say I do not really like to be addressed just because of my 'foreignness' which makes me a curiosity, or being named a 'foreigner/stranger', the last thing also because it is an impolite/rude or oven racist attitude in my country of origin (Belgium) to call or address someone as such. Sometimes it feels really unpleasant or weird. I'd just like to blend in an be addressed because of who I am or because I'm a customer or so. Luckily that also happens enough :-).

My husband is really dark skinned, and has pitch black hair.
Kids are a blend, they got their dark eyes from mom though not from dad :-). The eldest is dark skinned, a bit 'furry' like dad :-), and his hair colour has changed from black at birth to blondish to medium brown. In Belgium he 'jumps out' because of his draker/different looks, in Turkey he is specially noticed as well because here too he looks 'different'. The youngest is fair skinned, has medium blonde hair, and really is noticed in Turkey, while he may blend in more in Belgium. Let's check that out when in a month we go visit my motherland.
It is often fun when people 'like' our kids, Turkish people are generally really really warm towards children and it happens so often that a shopkeeper or waiter or passer-by wants to hold your child and show it off to others. I wouşldn't let them when they were just a baby and/or in a difficult mood, but now they're older I enjoy these encounters most of the time. And it happens even more when your kids look a bit different, so it happened quite a lot to us. Few minutes of hands-free shopping, or a pleasant opportunity to finally finish your own meal at a restaurant :-). My kids are very extraverted, have no fear of strangers, so they mostly like such attention. It also depends on HOW people respond to them, there is a big difference in their reaction when they really get positive attention or when it is about strangers 'just wanting to touch them' or 'wanting to kiss them', stroke the hair and saying 'you're cute' and/or pinch their cheeks, then they are not so happy at all! They are too young to notice people staring at them, but they more often stare at me then them so that's ok. Their reaction may be more annoyed when they get a little older though. As a teenager they may either hate to look different, or love it.
If it really happens TOO often on one and the same day, it DOES get annoying.
I also just try to explain things to my kids as they are, in words they understand, about all kinds of topics and also this one. They deserve to get the thruth, in a way they can understand/deal with it.

My father was driving my baby in a stroller in Belgium and he encountered two olive-skinned muslim girls who looked at the baby, then at my father, then again at the baby, again at my father, and then he saw them say something, giggle and shake their heads. We thought that quite funny. He often happens to take out two boys of a Moroccan neighbour too, I am sure that gives strange looks as well!

Both in the İstanbul Bazaar and in Belgium me and my husband (no kids yet) have been even called Spanish hahaaaaaaa - funfunfun!

I really wonder if ever someone will ask if my kids are adopted, but I do think they look enough like me. But even then, I'll just explain they're mixed, why being offended while adoption is such a good/wonderful thing?
It is good to look at the fun sides of things.

Maybe I would say differently if I would live in a society where blending in isn't possible at all with my and my kids looks. That must be wary and/or scary at times!

Me :bfs:1bftot::treehugger:
H:love:stillheart:
4y old:kid::sunshine
2y old:banana:eat:
:cat: