Having a 3rd, when did you know it was time?

[angela&avery]

I have no idea where to put this, and I think I have actually asked before, but Im getting pangs for a 3rd and I dont know if its time!! I just go back and fourth. My dd is 4 and ds is 6 and I want more but Im worried about the stress of one more. Im worried about another 5 years home. Im worried about waiting longer bc I have a hernia surgery coming up so as it is by the time we conceive (next year) and have the baby my kids will be 6 and 8!!! My other concern is I can't imagine having 4 kids, so this would probably be our last and I am concerned about the dynamic and the child being kind of lonely...

[angela&avery]

wow... anyone?

[Ruthla]

Um, I decided it was time for a 3rd when AF was 2 weeks late and I couldn't make heads or tails of my cycle chart because I'd had a week of insomnia screwing up my temps around O time, and I finally caved and bought an HPT and I got two lines on it and I just couldn't make peace with the idea of terminating even though it was a HORRIBLE time in my life for another baby (not married, unsure of my relationship with DP, my parents were still recovering from a horrible car accident and my dad had a cast on his leg and my mom was still hospitalized and my hands were full with my preschooler and my kindergartener.)

[socialworkmamma]

Well, no answer but wanted to let you know I totally relate! I have a just turned 7 DD and just turned 3 DS. I sometimes so want to try for a third, then I wonder if it would really be fair to my children. They are really developing the sweetest relationship and I wonder how a third child would impact everything. I also think about work. Right now I work part-time by seeing four clients for therapy and then also doing contract work for an adoption agency. I would like to expand as my youngest goes to pre-school and then kindergarten. Of course a new baby would change those plans. I'm in my late 30's, so I don't have lots of time to think about it. I guess for me the hardest part is really trying to analyize what is biology and baby fever and what would be best for my family. I wonder if there is always that desire for a baby and the joy it brings. I loved being pregnant and having a newborn. My son still nurses, but that will be ending in the next few months, and I can't imagine not having a baby, as I've been pregnant or nursing for the last almost 8 years. Of course, at some point you have your last baby and fear of change is not a good reason to bring another person into the world!
This really turned into a novel, but I hope if helps to know you are so not alone. If you have any great insight, please share it.
Take care and good luck with whatever you decide,
Pamela

[Bex80]

My son will be 6 in May and my daughter will be 3 in November. Dh and I would like a 3rd and a 4th (God willing) and we knw we want to TTC this year but we can't decide on when.

I am 27 so we have some time, but the thing is, is that if we have a third and want a fourth, those two will have to be closer in age than our first 2 because while at times the age gap is good, other times it's not. I have hard that there is no *perfect* spacing for siblings and I agree.

As far as being worried about staying home for 5 more years, is that a financial issue for the family or is it you feeling like you can't imagine starting from scratch again? I know that sometimes I waffle between being ready and not because of how much easier it's been knowing that my kids are getting older and more independent and starting over with a newborn is daunting.

But then there's being pregnant (which I love), birth (which I love), breastfeeding (you get the point :wink), first smiles, siblings learning to care and share, another child to enjoy and nurture, another companion for your other children when you and your dp are gone, etc.

I'm sorry I know I'm no help and am atually rambling, but I've had this subject on my mind, too. Thank you for posting this! :hug

[mija y mijo]

I've also been struggling with this question lately. A few months ago I was sure we would have another, but now I'm not so sure.

DS is very active (today I just posted a thread involving an ink pen and a couch :eyesroll) and I don't know if I want to try and juggle another high needs infant, a busy toddler, and homeschool DD. I'm also still nursing DS and don't want to nurse during pregnancy. At the same time I LOVE being pregnant and everything that comes along with a newborn baby. I don't want to wait too much longer, DD will be 7 yo soon and I don't want a huge age gap again. So right now we're on the fence, too.

I'm interested in hearing how others knew that they were ready to make the jump from 2 to 3.

[Lousli]

I'm struggling with this too. I am completing a training and afterwards have a 3 year contract with my job. I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. They would be 9 and 6 by the time I was ready to ttc! I'm not sure how that would work out for our family. Plus both were early, the first was 4 weeks, the second 7 weeks, and I worry about going earlier still. I wish I could help you decide. I kind of wonder if people just know when they are truly done, and if you're still considering, that means you're not done?

[SusanInItaly]

I have the exact same issue. My children would be at least 6 and 8 if I got pregnant tomorrow (not possible, DH is deployed) and I'm also hitting mid 30's now. We always just wanted 2 but I still in some crazy way, want another one. But I don't want the work of a baby, the up all night long, bringing baby gear or buying baby gear, new carseats,etc. My brain says NO but when I see a little baby I just want one more...

DH doesn't want anymore but wants to adopt. We may go that route instead but I'm still sad...

[johannasonja]

Hi,
i have a 4,5 year old and a 15 months old and now i am pregnant with number 3 (only 7 weeks). For one their is never the right time if you think about it. we didnt want the first two beeing apart 3 years in age, but my husband was deployed , then he got out of the militarty and we moved to the states . after i had the second one we decided not to get back on birth control and just let it happen, i brestfed so it took 11 month for my mens to return than 3 months later i got pregnant, lost it and now i am pregnent again.
Even though i am scared how its gonna be if number 2 and 3 are only 23 months apart i am glad, because we both didnt wanna get stuck again with reasons to wait.
Hope that helps.
johannasonja

[honeybee]

Our first two are 2 yrs 4 months apart. With our 3rd, the original plan was to wait closer to 3 years apart. I wanted ds1 weaned, ds2 closer to being nightweaned, and hoped both my older two might even be potty trained before bringing in another baby. I also thought ds2 could use a little more time as the baby before becoming a middle child.

Then, when ds2 was about 19 months (same age as ds1 was when I got pg with #2), I started having major pg symptoms. I felt nauseous if I didn't eat, smells bothered me, there seemed to be weird hormonal things going on, etc. I even ran into my mw, whom I hadn't seen in a really long time, and she said how wonderful and glowing I looked. I thought it was a sign. I really thought I was pg. A couple of negative pg tests a couple weeks apart, and starting to chart and seeing all the low morning temps disabused me of this notion. The funny thing was that I felt soooo disappointed. And, I was surprised to find out dh was disappointed, too. I thought for sure he wasn't ready, yet.

Soooo, I figured these were all signs that we were ready for another one after all. We decided to start ttc in a couple months. Our first cycle of ttc, we got pg with #3. Ds2 will be just about exactly 2.5 when #3 is born. Ds1 still is nursing and has accidents, ds2 still nurses quite a bit at night and has not really started potty training yet, both boys are still in our bed most of the night.... but I just trust that things are going to work out the way they're supposed to!

[zoebugsmom]

I'm currently pregnant with our third. The biggest thing for us was spacing. I really didn't want the kids to be too far apart in age. Most of my siblings are much older than I am and we don't have much of a relationship as adults. It's like we grew up in different families and I didn't want that for our kids. So, right around when the boy turned 2 I started bringing up the possible age difference and after a couple months of talking we started TTC.

Another factor for us was age. I don't want to be doing the pregnancy/baby/toddler thing into my 40s so we agreed on a cut off age of 35 for me. I'm 31 now and would ideally like to have 4 so it was start trying now or not do it at all.

I'm glad we gave ds longer than originally planned because he seems younger than dd at the same age. I think he needed the extra time as baby. I just didn't want him or dd getting too old to relate to the newest addition. As it is dd will be 5.5 and I worry that she won't be as close to the new babe growing up as she would have been if we had stuck to our original 2 years apart plan.

[JustVanessa]

Well for us dp's age is a factor. We are currently pregnant with #2 and I don't plan to start any form of birth control after he is born. I had amenorhea the whole time I nursed ds so I might have that again this time. We will probably conceive once he is weaned around 2 yrs old if not before. Its important to us to have our kids grown up before dp retires. He is 40 now and we plan to be done having kids by the time he is 45.

[chic2chic]

this is a great thread.

i've struggled with this, too, mostly because my 2 kids are really a handful, even though they're almost 3 and almost 6 now. dd2 still nurses frequently, including at night.

the clincher for me is that i couldn't shake the notion that i wasn't "done" after two, and that the fear of regretting that i didn't have that third child was greater than the fear of the chaos a third might bring.

DH was certain that he was "done." he is also 52 years old (i'm 37). however, suddenly a month ago he changed his mind, even after i had dropped the subject entirely. and i was elated, which made clear to me that my "gut feeling" was that it was the right thing to do.

so all of a sudden we're now TTC (which we never did before, as the first 2 came as a bit of a surprise). we'll see if it works (given our ages), but if it doesn't, then we'll know it isn't "meant to be" and won't pursue it any further. we also have a time limit because of DH's age: i know he won't keep TTCing indefinitely.

anyhow, i know that if this 3rd baby comes along, there's no way that i, DH or our girls could ever regret it. :)

good luck in your decision.

[Ilaria]

Ours just happened. My husband was very much against having a third, but we were seriously discussing adoption...

[34me]

I knew it was time when the prenancy test was positive - oops!

[AugustineM]

:yeah Ha ha... but seriously we were planning on a third and I knew that I wanted them not too far apart. So as it is they'll be: newborn, 2 1/2, and just over 4. I know it will be a little crazy at first but I think it will be great later on.

I think if you start thinking you'd be happy if you got a :+ test then it's time.

[Tattoomom]

Well, I'm not sure you ever really know that your ready for a third! I went back and forth and back and forth and about drove my dh nuts. About a year ago, I said "I'm ready! Let's try!" and then it would come down to ovulation time and I would back out. I did this more times than I would like to admit :shrug I'm not sure why but I had such mixed emotions. Somewhere I felt in my heart there was another little one out there for us, yet the reality of it was too scary. And even though I've always felt like I wanted more than 2, I would think of reasons not to have a 3rd. We were totally out of the baby phase, our two children are only 2.5 years apart and they are best friends. My husband and I were finally able to spend time together, etc....

Anyway, I can't explain it but after a year of going back and forth about it, we decided to throw caution to the wind and not be careful. Well............... that's all it took! One time :wink

I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant with our 3rd. :thumb

I wish I could help you in your decision. It was a very tough one for me. Now that I'm pregnant and with it happening so quickly, I can't help but think it must be meant to be.

Good luck and just follow your heart.

[Tattoomom]

AND... I just realized that your children are the exact same age as mine!! 01 and 03!


Well, I'm not sure you ever really know that your ready for a third! I went back and forth and back and forth and about drove my dh nuts. About a year ago, I said "I'm ready! Let's try!" and then it would come down to ovulation time and I would back out. I did this more times than I would like to admit :shrug I'm not sure why but I had such mixed emotions. Somewhere I felt in my heart there was another little one out there for us, yet the reality of it was too scary. And even though I've always felt like I wanted more than 2, I would think of reasons not to have a 3rd. We were totally out of the baby phase, our two children are only 2.5 years apart and they are best friends. My husband and I were finally able to spend time together, etc....

Anyway, I can't explain it but after a year of going back and forth about it, we decided to throw caution to the wind and not be careful. Well............... that's all it took! One time :wink

I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant with our 3rd. :thumb

I wish I could help you in your decision. It was a very tough one for me. Now that I'm pregnant and with it happening so quickly, I can't help but think it must be meant to be.

Good luck and just follow your heart.

[Kleine Hexe]

I have 2 and they are 7 and 4. I've been TTCing for a 3rd for 6 cycles now. I was ready for #3 when my younger ds was 2. DH was not. So we waited. I wish we had not waited.

Now I don't feel so ready. Baby stage is over and I wonder if I really do want to start over. I'm liking this new non-baby stage. I wish I had gotten pg when ds was 2 and I had not yet left the baby stage.

TTC is stressful. It's not working and I wonder why. It makes me sad and I have no control over it. At his point if I don't get pg this cycle then my boys will be 8 and 5 when(if) #3 is born. I never wanted a gap that big. So I wonder if I should still have another with that large of a gap. My sister and I are 7 years apart and I hate it. So does she.

So I really regret waiting. I'm beginning to think that I should stop at 2 because the window is closed. Even these past few months make a difference to me. My boys being 7 and 4 seems much better to me than 8 and 5. Had I become pg immediately I'd be happy. Yet, TTC is not going well and the gap gets larger every month. Maybe this is a sign that I should stop?

I say if you have any notion that you want another do it sooner than later.

[angela&avery]

the clincher for me is that i couldn't shake the notion that i wasn't "done" after two, and that the fear of regretting that i didn't have that third child was greater than the fear of the chaos a third might bring.



see this is exactly how I feel. Im so glad I got some responses, I feel much better knowing that Im not the only one who is kind of stuck on what to do!!! I do think we will enevitably have a 3rd, I dont want to regret not doing it and pine for the rest of my life...

[angela&avery]

AND... I just realized that your children are the exact same age as mine!! 01 and 03!

huh!!! sometimes i have wished it would just happen by accident so that I didnt have to make the decision!!

[Bex80]

sometimes i have wished it would just happen by accident so that I didnt have to make the decision!!

Me too!!! :love :love :wink

[jule924]

You'll be jealous of us then :innocent We had no plans for a third, but I had said I reserved the right to change my mind. We were getting into talks of a vasectemy (sp?) and then OOPS! this little one came into being. I'm happy about it now, because I'm definitely done now - no question! Our boys will be 4 1/2 and 2 when this one arrives. I really don't think there is any "perfect" time or spacing.

[dimibella]

We went back and forth and back and forth about adding a third, but we knew for sure that we didn't want our 1st and our 3rd to be too far apart in age and since he will be 6 this spring we figured that for us it was now or never. We decided we would try for a few months and if we got pg, great, if not then that was okay as well.

[cj'smommy]

this is a great thread.

the clincher for me is that i couldn't shake the notion that i wasn't "done" after two, and that the fear of regretting that i didn't have that third child was greater than the fear of the chaos a third might bring.



:yeah: That was me too. DH wasn't quite so sure, on one hand he did want more children but ours can be a handful as well. Plus I have rough pregnancies and DS#2 has some mild special needs. He was worried how hard it will all be on us.

If it was going to happen, it needed to happen soon. I have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old and I didn't want them to be too much further apart in age. Ideally I wanted them closer, but we had a hard time TTC #2, #1 was a wonderful surprise. Plus I'm 37 and didn't want to be too much older. We decided to put off a decision until I had some jaw surgery done and a full mouth reconstruction started (I have some major dental/ortho issues) well......I scheduled the surgery and found out two weeks before my pre-op appointment that I was pg so the decision was made for us. :)

Good luck with your decision, it's a tough one. I just knew in my heart I wasn't done yet. I say I'm done now, but we'll see how I feel after this baby is born. Age is a big factor for me, if I were younger it would be very easy for me to say I want four. Also this baby has some medical issues, so we may indeed be done after this. I don't know how I'll feel in a couple of years, but DH says he's done.

[stephcrouse]

I have two DDs. My oldest just turned 9, and my youngest is 3 years old. I am divorced from their father and remarried. My DH has no children of his own. On one hand I would love to be done as my girls are getting a bit older, but on the other hand, I am 35 he is 41, and I would really love to have one more baby, and he would like to have a child of his own. So, here we are ttc#3!
Stephanie

[watchthemamaze]

Yes it will be busy and yes it will be stressful but no time will not be right? For us we lucked out in that we decided about number 3 right at time of ovulation (unknowingly) and decided to start trying in Feb. OOPS prego in January already. Good thing we had that small talk when we did. The interesting thing for us was deciding to go from 2 to 4 that night. Not sure how my hubby got to 4 but I am cool with 4 or 5 so was OK with it. When 4 will come in comparison to the rest I have no idea and I am having a hard time seeing 4 when 3 is barely a bump yet. My point...I think you know what will feel right.

[MomaLisa]

so this is my first blog, although I have read these blogs for years now......I have four, ages 1-14, a boy sandwich as my friend says. Athene is 14, Druid-Shanti is 8, Leif-Erik is 5, FloraMae is almost 2. I am currently going back to midwifery studies, apprenticeship on my little island, we homeschool, we home business..........So that's my background

I would have to say that family grows like a garden. Mother Earth has given us such fine examples of growth. Sometimes a seed blows in and we cultivate it to be the flower we see. Sometimes a plant, never before seen or appreciated, takes off and before we know it we are cultivating it to grow, grow, grow. Like those giant pumpkins in Alaska!!
I guess what I am saying is that you are mother earth and cultivate your life and home within you. It spills out when we have relationships with each other.
If you choose to bring another love into your home, your children will accept it as such. If you choose to see it as a challenge and something that might disrupt your garden. Your children will follow that too. whether you speak it or not, children feel what we feel. Especially when we connect and bond with them.
It's alot of pressure, sure, but on the flip side (and this is what I try to concentrate on when making a big decision) when we cultivate our garden it grows to fulfill us and then we can give from the bounty of the harvest.
search within YOURSELF if another one is calling to grow in YOUR garden. If you believe another memeber of your family is waiting for a body, don't hesitate ( after weighing in any medial issues, etc), give it one. Believe and trust in your ability to know what is right for your garden growers, and all else will fall into place.
Even if it's hard at first or later, there are lessons there. People in close relationships are brought together not only to love and live together but learn from one another. Make your decision and look forward.
We knew that our fourth was on her way and we waited because our third is such a handfull-full of life my Morfar says-we thought he wouldn't be able to handle it. As soon as we realized that this would all work out and let it go, he was fine-and I got pregnant that month, which is unusual for me. He is an awsome big brother and she really calms him, she balances him and they are such good friends.
When we had our second I was afraid that the six+ years between them would be a burden, but Athene was so happy to be old enough to hold him and help, she remembers all my pregnancies and births-this prepares her for motherhood (talk about birth control!!). They fight like they were born a year apart!!
currently FloraMae is smooshing her butter toast into the carpet...........gotta go.....

[Malva]

This is going to be our first month ttc for our 3rd. DD is 8 (will be at least 9 by the time the third is born) , DS is going to be 3 in April.

I never thought I’d want to have 3 kids. It’s just that with our current 2, our family doesn’t feel quite complete yet.

I’d like a 4 year gap between next baby and DS ideally. It took a long time to get pregnant with DS and the 5.5 years gap him and his sister is a bit too long. I like a 4 year gap as I feel it gives my son quite a few years where he gets to be centre of attention until he get “middle child status”.

[alisonbr]

It's been a real process for me to feel like I'm done, but I think I'm there. For those who haven't yet conceived, don't underestimate the amount of work another child is. If you have two, you're already living the mommy lifestyle, but an additional child is another opinion to consider, and another child to shepherd through their education, to take to activites, etc. In my own case I feel that being a mother to young children is very special, and as my kids are no longer so young, I feel less special. I mourn that, but I no longer think that having another baby is right for me or my family. So I'm beginning to look outward to try to find other special things to do. My husband is opposed to another, so in a way that helps. On the other hand, I can want another as much as I want, and he'll still be opposed -- his position allows us to set up a dichotomy if we choose that. I try not to, though.

My youngest is three now, and I'm just getting a breath of my own autonomy again, and I'm not sure what to do with that since my free time is still pretty limited. But having decided not to have more, I'm exploring who I want to be in addition to a mom.

Finishing with babies allows you to look forward to the fun things that you can do with your families without a toddler. In my family at least, I often stayed home with the toddler while Daddy did fun things with the older two (a baby is portable, but a 1-3 year old can be less so). But now we're looking forward to hiking and skiing as a family. We're also looking forward to traveling (if we can find the money). It will be much easier to go to England, say, without a baby or toddler (no daily naps to work around, for one thing). There are other aspects to this too, but I just thought I'd weigh in on the side of being done!

Alison
everydaybest.blogspot.com
Homeschooling Mama to three boys 3, 5, and 8