miscarriage

[Joenette]

I have sat in front of the computer so may times since early October, at first desperately checking if the boards were back yet, and when they finally were, I started writing I don't know how many times, but was never able to finish a post. Maybe this time.

On Ocober 2, at 14 weeks pregnant, I went in for an Ultrasound after a week of spotting/bleeding, and found out that our baby had no heartbeat and measured only 7 weeks. A week later I miscarried at home. I got really sick w/hypovolemia after 3 more weeks of spotting and bleeding and had to be in the hospital on the IV for a day. A scary experience that really proved to me that we need to take extra good care of ourselves after something as traumatic as a pregnancy loss. Obviously I didn't do such a good job at it.

I started telling lots of people around 7 or 8 weeks and really regreted that at first because now I had so much "un-telling" to do, but in the end I was glad I did, because that way I learned that quite a few women around me had been through the same thing and I received a lot of unexpected support. The hardest thing to do was to tell my (almost) 4yr old daughter. Such a huge thing for such an innocent little mind to grasp. She woke up crying for several nights after I told her, and she still needs to talk about it frequently.

My questions to those of you who have had pregnancies after a loss are these: how did you handle the fear of having another miscarriage during your pregnancy; can you still truly enjoy being pregnant after a loss?; how did you know you were physically and emotionally ready to be pregnant again; and how soon after the loss did you become pg again. I know that there aren't any One-fits-all answers to these questions as they are very personal, but it's what's on my mind. I still want to be pregnant and have another child, but I don't know how I could handle another loss. I have learned way more than I ever wanted to know about miscarriage in these last few weeks.

Well, I feel pretty drained now, but I'm glad I was finally able to write this all down.

Take care,
Jeanette

[Julie]

Jeanette, Im so sorry for your loss. ~*~Hug~*~ Yes you can enjoy your future pregnacys, Its natural that you will worry more and you might not want to become as attached as quickly (but you will fall head over heals in love!). My first pregnancy was the baby I lost, My second pregnancy I was very scared and didnt tell anyone (even Dh!) till I was 13 weeks. When I felt comfortable with myself I told Dh, and then we told everybody, but not till I was 20 weeks, we wanted to keep our secreat to ourselves so we could enjoy it! I loved my second pregnancy, I marvled in it. I think because of my loss I loved more and sooner and I was in awe that I could cary a baby inside me, My Loss made me know Just what I had and helped me to enjoy it even more.

If you need to talk pm me :)

[abimommy]

{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I am glad that you have some people giving you some love and support.

I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until well...actually a lot of people ended up asking me...

My pregnancies were eight years apart...I am 26 now

I think you should give yourself some time to recover and to morn.

I think it is important to take some time to morn because once you DO have your child your loss is going to seem more painful because the reality of a child is sometimes what brings it into focus.

[MoonBabiesMomma]

Joenette, I am so sorry for your loss and on top it that having to deal with being so sick. Last week, I lost my baby at 15 weeks so I know how heartbreaking it is. It really helped me to write about it and the support from this forum was so nice.

Right now I do not think I want to try again. We had only planned on having 2 children so the third was a big surprise. I was sure it was a "sign" that it was meant to be and I was so excited. When we lost the baby, I thought it was another sign that maybe it was not meant to be at all and so I am scared to try again. This is probably crazy and maybe I will change my mind later on but for now that is how I feel.

I am so sorry about your 4 year old daughter. It must be so hard for her. I told my 3 year old daughter that our baby was sick and could not be born (I think I made a mistake and should have said something else) and she cried and cried. That night she woke up crying and said she was sick and needed medicine to get better. I felt so bad I told her that--it probably scared her so much that something might happen to her. She's been asking me about the baby every day and it just breaks my heart.

Please take care and thanks for sharing your story.

[L.J.]

Sorry about your loss. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago. It was difficult. Shortly after my ds had some health problems and I began to see how difficult having that baby would have been. I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see the reason right away. Now I am pregnant again. I'm at 29 weeks. I spent the first month convinced I'd misscarry and the next 3 months thinking I'd find blood everytime I went to the bathroom. Each week I've gained more confidence and now I'm totally excited and in love with this child and have finally found the peace I was looking for and loving every minute of this pregnancy. It can happen. Take care of yourself and allow yourself time to heal. Good luck!

[rockergirrl]

I lost my first child two years ago at 8 weeks. I just gave birth to my second child two months ago. I remember being terrified when I found out I was pregnant again. In the begining of the pregnancy I was very nervous, but I did feel better as time went on. I was able to let go of my fears ( they will always be there) but you learn how to focus on the positive - you have to. It gets better I promise. You never forget, but you do continue on. What helped my husband when I got pregnant again was to think that it was our first child coming back to us. We believe that perhaps the first time was not the right time for some reason and we always knew that the time would come again. You can enjoy another pregnancy. You have to keep reminding yourself that your feelings are felt by the unborn child - so let them feel joy and love.

As parents we must learn every day how to be strong for our children. Getting through a pregancy after losing one is the start of this learning process. So many of us have been there. My heart still bleeds each day when I think back. My last thought is to move forward, but don't ever forget. The pain gets better as time goes on, but allow yourself the time to grieve and heal. Good luck to you.

wow - after rereading this I just realized something amazing. I had my miscarriage on 10/6/1999 and I just gave birth to my son two months ago on 10/6. I can't believe I have not put these together until now. More reasons to believe in fate I think.

[OceanMomma]

{{{{{{Hugs }}}}}}}

I lost my last baby before Saffron at 16 weeks. You know the usual, I got some wierd spotting & went for an ultrasound & there was no heart beat. The baby had been dead for a week or so. They reckoned there was nothing wrong with the baby, but I didn't let them disect him ( I'm sure he was a boy ) so who knows ?

My baby before that was ectopic. So I'd got past the 6.5 week scan & I'd got past the 12 week phase & finally stopped feeling nauseous at about 14 weeks. Only to find out that this was coz the baby had died.

I found the ectopic a far worse experience to live thru mentally. They effectively have to kill your baby to save you & you have to let them do it. I will remember forever seeing its little heart beat on the monitor screen in the wrong place. Losing a baby in utero was more like a death of a family member than a murder. All of it is far too much to live thru for anyone & not an experience I'd wish on my worst enemy. However, I will say that it has made me a much nicer person. Far calmer & far happier - well happier since Saffron is born since I can see what a gift she is.

As for surviving the next pregnancy... firstly get a sympathetic midwife. Mine wasn't so that really didn't help. She would also dismiss me with platitudes about not worrying but would contradict herself. I got a brown blood spot, she'd tell not to worry unless it was red. I'd get a red blood spot she'd tell not to worry unless it was brown. It helps if you can meet other woman who have had pregnancy losses & have made it thru a subsequent pregancy since it makes you feel more normal when you have totally irrational fears.

I was shockingly morning sick. I threw up daily until I was about 24 weeks pregnant & then felt nauseous until I was over 30 weeks. I'm not sure if this was physicological ( sp ? ) but every day I'd wake up & still feel sick & know the baby was still alive. I battled daily with neurotic feelings which was horrid coz I am normally very laid back. I was starting to feel like my m-i-l & I really didn't like myself. Every day seemingly I'd find some horror story about someone else who'd lost a baby for no apparent reason at whatever stage I was at. BIG TIP. Avoid any pregnancy loss forums once you get pregnant again. I went to acupuncture a lot when I was pregnant for the morning sickness. They can also tell if you're still pregnant so I used to ask her every time if Saffron was still alive. If you get a good acupuncturist they can tell a lot from your pulses so I used to feel very reassured.

You need to develop a thick skin. The in-laws used to ring me up when we finally told them I was pregnant ( at 20 weeks ) & ask if the baby was still moving. Other people always asked me seemingly totally insensitive questions, like how's the baby. I had one woman tell me that my ectopic pregnancy was not a baby but a monster. I found it easier to avoid a lot of people while I was pregnant. Most people who weren't close friends of mine didn't know what to say to me coz of my last 2 losses anyway.

Looking back now, I wish I'd relaxed more & enjoyed being pregnant. But until I had Saffron in my arms, I really was not sure if she was gonna make it. Having 2 nasty pregnancy losses with lots of medical interventions leads you to question your body. I was fortunate in that I had an awesome birth experience ( accidental unassisted home birth ) with Saffron so it made me feel that much more in control. I got no post natal depression at all.

All I can say is you will get thru. It may be difficult but try to relax, don't get scared coz if the baby is gonna die, it will regardless of how much you stressed out & were miserable. Which is very easy for me to say now !! As for the amount of time before you get pregnant again. I worked on at least 3 periods since that is apparently how long it takes the uterus to regenerate properly. I went to acupuncture weekly during this time & did the whole healthy diet, lots of protein, no tea, no coffee, lots of essential fatty acids etc. I went to see a homeopath & had lots of reiki.

[ttiinnaa]

i feel your pain, i guess getting pregnant within a month of my son passing has been very painful. i feel full of regret and doubt. i had a live birth at 35 weeks. he died at six days old to a preventable sickness. no one knew so know one did nothing. i'm scared i will have the same misfortune i just encountered with this pregnacy..i can only hope for the best and prepar for the worst as i might end up burring another one of my children...my son passed 5-1706...i got pregnant again around 6-11-06..:innocent