2nd time - worried about labor (very long - sorry)

[KareninCT]

Midwives, doulas and wise people - I didn't realize how much my last birth had bothered me until I got pregnant and realized - dear god I don't want to do that again. We had been trying to get pregnant so I should have been excited when we succeeded. I wasn't. It wasn't until my husband asked, "Are you ready to it all again?" That I realized I wasn't. So now I’m pregnant and need to figure out how to get over it so I’m not afraid of labor this time.

With my first birth, I had read all the books and was ready for birth as a natural event. I was expecting the ecstasy of birth, the zen state of calm and peace, the primal knowledge of my body to take over. I was to give birth with a midwife in a birth center 45 minutes away (it was the closest of the two in my state). I thought I would have plenty of time since it was my first. When I was check two days before my son was born I was already dilated to 4 cm. I hadn’t been able to sleep so when the contractions hit me at 3:00 AM I got in the shower so the water could hit my back. After only a couple of minutes they were fast and furious. I woke my husband and called the midwife. She tried to convince us to stay home for a few more hours, but I KNEW we had to leave immediately. My water broke while I was getting dressed from the shower. I road for the 45 minutes in the car, not able to move and getting all tense. My contractions were right on top of each other and I just kept thinking where is the time to rest everything said I would have?

When we arrived at the hospital (the birth center was an independent area inside the hospital), the midwife hadn’t arrived yet so I had to go to the maternity area. The nurses checked me and I was 10 cm – so I had gone through transition in the car. They made me lie down and started talking about what size needle they wanted to suture me with. Not what I wanted to hear. The midwife finally arrived and told me to push. I know I should have listened to my body but by that time it was about 6 AM, I hadn’t slept since the day before and I was in a lot of pain. So I pushed and pushed and pushed even though I had no urge. When it appeared that the baby wasn’t just going to pop right out we moved down to the birth center.

I was on my hands and knees in the tub, crying saying that it hurt. It was excruciating. I hadn’t expected that. I was expecting the near orgasm so many natural birth books describe. The midwife just kept asking what hurt. It was one specific spot in my lower back. I pointed and explained. She just told me to keep pushing. After over an hour a back-up midwife arrived. When she found out I had been pushing for over an hour in one position she pretty much took over. The first midwife seemed annoyed with me and impatient. Like I wasn’t doing it right. They kept having whispering consultations and not telling me what they were talking about. At the time I realized this, but was took out of it to ask. The second midwife had me try all sorts of positions. Ever two or three pushes she had me change. I kept waiting for my body to tell me what to do, but it was telling me that pushign was what was hurting my back. My son was finally born after 3 hours of pushing. I was thrilled at the time, but within a few days felt disappointed. I felt let down by my body. That wasn’t how a natural labor was “supposed” to be. I was extremely sore and exhausted for weeks even though my labor was so short.

Months later when my back still hurt I went to chiropractor for the first time. X-rays showed that my coccyx had been moved about 1.5 inches. I’ve been going to chiropractors for over a year and it is still over an inch off center.

So now I am starting to interview midwives for a homebirth for my second child. There are only 4 within an hour of me – the closest being 45 minutes (I was only in labor 3 hours before pushing with my first so that pretty far for a second birth). The closest is the first midwife and I didn’t feel she was supportive. One of the other is still in training. So that leaves two. After asking about my first labor and birth, the other midwives have said that it sounds like I either dislocated or broke my coccyx. Nothing like that was ever mentioned to me. (In fact they acted like I must not have prepared for birth well enough.) They asked if he was posterior or in a weird position. If he was, no one told me about it. Of course now I wonder what all the whispery talk was about. My son was 8lb 4oz and had a 14.5 inch head so maybe that was the difficulty.

The midwives I talked to said if it was broken it heals inflexibly and will break again next time. I’m afraid that if I act too concerned about my back they won’t want to take me for a homebirth. But I am concerned. It was really, really painful and I don’t want to go through that again – three hours of pushing your own backbone out of joint should only have to be done once. However, I would be just as concerned if not more in hospital. I feel like there aren't enough midwives around here to really interview and be choosy.

So I need to stop being scared of labor again or I'm going to go into it with negative energy. I have seven months to deal with this. It just that my back had hurt every day for 18 months and, although I'm only 2 months pregnant, it is hurting worse with each passing day. Not my whole back, just the area the size of a 50cent piece that hurt during labor. Help, please, I need ideas, thoughts, suggestions, anything. I want to be thrilled about this pregnancy like I was with the first and not worried about finding a midwife and the pain of labor.

[Drewsmom]

Karen,

What an ordeal. Can I just say that you did great! Just from an empathizing standpoint I can say that I know what you're talking about. I took a Hypnobirthing class (which I do recommend for relaxation and they have a part that specifically helps you release past issues with other births or just your impression of birth which I thought was helpful) and I expected like you to be totally free from pain. I can say that my experience was somewhat similar in that I felt really in control until those contractions were coming back to back like you said and I too wondered, "Where in the heck is this break that they were talking about?". That's when I was at an 8 and I did fortunately have the urge to push which opened me up to a 10. I had back labor too and had broken my tailbone as a child. I think that I broke it again giving birth but the chiropractors didn't confirm this, it was sore for a few months but it sounds like not quite as sore as yours. I'm so sorry that the one midwife made you feel like you weren't doing something right. Whatever! I think very few people realize, no matter how much they've read, exactly what to do when you're pushing. They coached me into a good pushing position and that helped things move along. I was glad for their experience in helping me to be more effective in my labor.

You may be in luck as far as information. I'm going to get my sister in on this convo. she will probably be a big help to you. She had homebirths with both her children (the first was born in CT). She had a wonderful midwife who actually flew out to CA for her 2nd birth. I'll let her tell you about her story but she had INCREDIBLY long labors with both and back prob.s but after working with a great physical therapist after her 2nd was born she understood why the labors were so long (something the midwifes couldn't figure out) and how to help her next birth go more smoothly.

I remember pushing wondering "why did I want to have this child naturally again?" and even being a little resentful at my Hypnobirthing instructor who was telling me to hang in there. Even a few hours afterwards I thought, "There's no way I'm going to do this again!" But I still think if you're able to resolve the issues of having a traumatic experience with baby #1 that the benefits to both you and the baby are so great that it's worth a few hours of hard work....and it _is_ hard work. I think a few people truly do have little/to no pain births but most people do have to experience the toil and work and yes some pain to birth their child.

[glad2bemama]

KareninCT, Hi there! My sister is Drew's mom and steered me to your question. I have a lot to talk to you about and have some WONDERFUL reccommendations for midwives in CT. It doesn't sound like you have met mine, yet. Maybe I should pm you and give you my # if you are interested in talking about this more.

I grew up in Fairfield County, went to UCONN and lived in the Hartford area for a couple of years after my marriage. so, I am pretty familiar with the state.

I also know some wonderful LLL leaders, childbirth instructors and midwives and doulas. Also, have you heard of the Homebirth Support Group? Last time I checked they had two. We used to attend the one in Middletown-- it met once a month. this was incredible! We went my whole pregnancy and learned so very much and really connected with the people there. But, most importantly, we heard many, many birth stories and learned how very important it is to be able to share your experience in a place where youar not judged. It sounds like you really need this. In fact, everyone does.

Like my sister said, I can relate to your back problems and actually, I broke my tailbone during three hours of pushing with my first. The good news is that I did not re-injure it with my second. Both of my children were born at home, the first one was in CT almost 5 years ago and the second here in CA, almost 2 and a half years ago.

Well, if you are interested, please let me know and I would be happy to let you know the names and numbers of some of the people that I know. In fact, my midwife there took a class last year on back labor and posterior labors ( this is the only way that I can carry my children ) and has since learned some pretty innovative techniques to help with pain-- they are all natural and involve water and yoga!

Anyway, you should NEVER have felt like you were being judged ( my words ) for your labor or pushing. These were CLEARLY not the right midwives. They should have been supporting and empowering you while you were giving birth. Labor is such a suggestive experience and they should have known this! Oohhh.. this really makes me angry that you had to go through this!!! I am so sorry.

I hope that you have a wonderful and beautiful pregnancy and birth and that you are able to to feel total trust and admiration of your body and your experience. You deserve this and your baby deserves this...:love

[fourlittlebirds]

Karen, that sounds a lot like my first birth. I too have a history of back pain -- I was in a bad car accident and a few of my vertabrae are out of place. I also have a congenital shallow hip socket where scar tissue has formed over the years, and during pregnancy when the joints are loosening, it gets worse. So during my first labor (in which the baby was posterior) I had severe back and hip pain, crying, whimpering, pleading throughout the last six hours. The midwife was constantly in my face, directing me; later I realized that this prevented me from listening to my body. Every time I had an urge to do something different from what she wanted me to do, she won. I eventually just gave up, exhausted and rationalizing that she must know best, after all she was the "expert". Although I had no urge, she had me start pushing when I was "complete". I now know that this is a completely nonsensical and counterproductive thing to do. I pushed for two hours, and every bit of it was agony. The midwife and her assistant acted annoyed, like if I really wanted to I could do it "right". They also acted like I was making too much of the pain; I was told not to make loud noises or writhe around. And like you, I had an extremely long recovery. I didn't step foot out of the house for three weeks, and during that time I shuffled around like an old lady. I was very depressed, and in a lot of pain.

By the time I was pregnant with my second, I was very very angry. I'd done a lot of research and realized that although she was a homebirth midwife she took her cues from traditional obstetrical practice. In other words, the medical professional must be guiding the birth at all times, s/he knows better than the birthing woman what she needs, the labor must be judged by some standard (necessitating dilation checks and timing of contractions), pushing happens when the medical professional says it should, not when the mother feels like it, etc., etc. I was lucky enough to find a midwife who believes that the laboring woman has in her own body the instinct for how best to give birth, and that ideally labor support should be limited to making the mother comfortable, giving unconditional emotional support, and observing (unintrusively) for signs of complications.

Here's what happened. The birth was just as painful, and the baby was again posterior. However, this time, because I wasn't being bombarded by negative and illogical influences, I was able to access the resources within myself to deal with the pain, and I was able to listen to my body and act on my instincts, which included a lot of moaning and yelling and writhing around and *not* being "in control". The labor was much shorter, it was empowering, and my body worked smoothly and efficiently. Because I waited not for the stupidly arbitrary 10 cm., but for the unmistable urge to push, and got into a position that would naturally facilitate the descent of the baby, I didn't have to worry about doing it "right" -- my body did it all for me. It was wonderful, and I felt fantastic after the birth.

Birth may be painful, but it doesn't have to be traumatic.

[KareninCT]

Thank you all. Everything has been crazy so far this pregnancy and when I talked to the midwives who said that a break would heal inflexibly and probably break again it was the final straw. I think I just had a total panic attack yesterday. I was seriously thinking of ditching the entire homebirth idea and finding a doctor because I just knew I'd need an epidural.

So really, truly, thank you. I'm still worried, but I no longer feel like I'm going to start crying just thinking about it. It was a strange reaction and very unlike me, but I really just freaked. I appreciate the comfort and the support. I would welcome any ideas on positions, movements, massage techniques, pain management ideas, etc. that any of you know.

Sometimes I feel like the people on these boards have a window to my soul and provide what is needed at that moment. Thank you.

[hawleyclan]

Hi! I can't say that I've had anywhere near your experience in birth, but with my CNM birthcenter birth (my 2nd birth) I remember having some issues... The labor was fast, and I remember being about a 7+, and really feeling it, and I got noisy, and my CNM quickly let me know that I didn't need to be so loud... then her assistant made the comment that she had brought her two daughters (who were in the other room) and that perhaps it would make them think twice about getting pregnant...! Then, later, I was on the bed pushing, and really coming to a new understanding of the term "ring of fire"... she kept telling me to push, and I was pushing, just slower than she wanted, it was an intense burning sensation and I was working with it the only way I could, slow, firm and steady. (You see, my 1st birth I had the standard hospital episiotomy, and the subsequent 4th degree tear- which the doctor seemed to imply was my fault..., but the numbing shot for the episiotomy deadened that "stretching and burning" sensation, and I could not take the cues from my body on when and how to push) My second birth, I was quite surprised at pushing time, all the sensations were there and so was I (no demerol), and in the end I only had a little tear- not even worth the stitch she put in for it. She later told me I did a good job, but that was hard to believe after the critcism during labor.

In her defense, she had been up all night with another birth just prior to mine, her assistant was unable to come in to help, and the birth resulted in a transport. She had just resterilized everything when we got there. I sure that was draining and hectic, and her assistant showed up about 20 minutes after I got there. (I arrived and delivered in 45 minutes)

I would do it again in the birthcenter if it were still the only other midwife option in my area. It was not really bad, I just have some lingering memories of things I wish would have been said differently, or done differently. I understand better now that some of her techniques were throwbacks from her medical training and doctor techniques. There were other signs during prenatal care, but I did not recognize them until later. She had a preoccupation with weight gain, and she was quick to want extra tests and ultrasounds, and perterbed when we declined them. Other than that, she was quite nice, and good at her work. I believe that in lue of her many years as an OB/GYN nurse, she had really made strides to break from the norm. She did later close the birthcenter due to her inability to get reliable help.

My husband and I elected to find a homebirth midwife for our next births, and our last two have been homebirths. You couldn't pay me enough to do it any other way. If everything is fine, leave me at home. I can hear my body talk to me when I am in my home... I am relaxed and confident, and everything is comfortable and familiar. Even when things do not go as planned, I am calmer in my home. (Of course I can't say enough about water comfort in labor... :) )

Well this is long, so I am going to close. I sure hope you find a wonderful caregiver who respects your need to hear your body and follow its cues, and I hope that your tailbone decides to cooperate with you this time too! I had read that just a simple dislocation of the tailbone can be excruciating until adjusted, I can't imagine what a broken one would be like... :(

The Lord bless you with a beautiful birth,
Zoie :)
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Godsbabycatchers

[Drewsmom]

Something that really helped me, and I had not read anything about this, was sitting straight up with the bed broken down or in a chair whatever's comfortable & having someone else (instructor, husband) push on my knees when I was in a contraction. It _really_ helped to alleviate the pressure and towards the end they were getting a really good workout themselves (maybe it helped dh to realize the work I was going through :D ha ha) when the contractions were back to back but I had them in there pushing on my knees almost constantly until I was ready to push. Hope the idea helps. They had to push really hard too (i've heard it's good particularly for back labor)

[Kalinka]

Hi Karen,

I think that you are going to do great this time around. I think that you are on the right track in dealing with your fears. It is really amazing what the mind can do to your physical state of being. Just by you talking about the fact that you are scared of going through the same thing again you have already taken the right step in changing the outcome. I really believe that, I'm not just saying it. :)

I just had my 1st baby the 9th of this month and like one of the other women who posted I also did the whole Hypnobirthing thing. My husband and I spent the whole nine months preparing for a pain-free birth and practicing all the exercises and so on. I had my baby at home with a great midwife (I got lucky with her) but my experience was similar to yours in the sense that I had horrid back labor, I didn't know it at the time. I was in labor for 14 hours and 12 1/2 hours of that time it was just me and my husband at home. My midwife didn't get to our house until I was close to pushing. I couldn't find a position that made anything a bit more comfortable, I spent most of those hours telling my husband that I couldn't do it (I have a very high pain tolerance and am probably the biggest natural/drug-free activist you'll meet) and that I wanted to go to the hospital and have an epidural. Thank god I wasn't close to a hospital. LOL. I did get the baby out and my labor was beautiful to me inspite of what I felt. I did however feel disappointed that the hypnobirthing didn't work and that I had back labor even though my baby wasn't posterior and that I was ready to put drugs in my body when it got hard. I am even a little bit jealous of all those women who say things about different positions making things easier because I sure as H*** couldn't find a position to make things easier.
Anyway, the reason that I posted this is for support and to let you know that there are more women out there who are scared to have their second child too. :D

I do have a book to recomend, it is called "Mind Over Labor" by Carl Jones
It has some really good visualizations in it, it did help me in the sense that I could focus on the contraction and sort of go into it. I think that there are some good fear exercises in it that you might find helpful.
I hope that you are feeling better. Take care.
Fawna

[sully]

I had an absolutely horrid first birth experience- induced due to dangerously high blood pressure after a month of strict bedrest. Three days of labor, 4 hours of pushing, broken tailbone, vacuum extraction, episiotomy, 4th degree tears. When I became pregnant again I was absolutely terrified.

Well, last week I had the most PERFECT birth! Labored at home, had mild contactions all day and strong ones for about 2 hours, went to the birth center/hospital and had a fantastic water birtth, baby was born an hour after I got there! No new trauma to my tailbone, easy easy labor and delivery! I don't know if it was the water or what but it was the antithesis of the first time. THERE IS HOPE FOR A HAPPY HEALTHY BIRTH FOR YOU!!!! Take it from me! :)

[KareninCT]

Thank you all again. Sorry it's taken me so long to say that - things have been crazy around here.

I'm looking into hypnobirthing (although not the instructor who told me that my last labor had hurt only because I had been conditioned to believe it would and it had nothing to do with breaking my tailbone :eek). I'm hoping the hypnobirthing will help me go into pregnancy and next labor as calmly as I did with the first. I'll also look into the "Mind Over Labor" book.

I'll definitly try having someone pushing on my knees next time to see if it helps. I'm 10 weeks now and still looking for a homebirth midwife. Not a good area for to find them in. Thanks for all of the birth stories; it so nice to know that others experienced the same thing and things can turn out better the second time.

Again, THANKS :thumb

[parisfrance]

Hello from another terrified mom. My first was supposed to be a homebirth. My midwife didn't have much experience with homebirths though, and didn't have me try any positions or anything. My baby was posterior too. She finally said that I had "stagnated" at 9 cm and transferred me (45min in the car!!) to the clinic where she used to work, where nobody tried to help me, and I ended up with a c/s. I'm 6 weeks pregnant with the second, and hoping for a VBAC. We'll see, but I'm thinking of labor and panicing sometimes. Here in France it's very hard to find support for natural birth, and almost impossible to do a homebirth.

Michelle