DS just turned 12.

I am finding this transition from childhodd to teenhood really hard. I am at almost constant loggerheads with my son. The dominant issue seems to be that he wants to do stuff I do not want him to do - so the age old quest for independance, I guess.

He is also belligerent and very resistant to change. We actually got into an argument yesterday because I cleaned the gaming stuff. For years (yup, years) it has lived on the floor or on the TV. Stuff on the TV falls if the pile gets too high, stuff gets lost, stuff gets stepped. Oh, and it looks like crap, and it is in the family living room. So I created a slide out tray at the bottom of the TV stand, and put the gaming stuff there. It is very handy, and safer. Well, DS blew up. Claimed I was a cleaning fanatic, that he was not going to put the stuff there, and that I wanted everything my way. He said I thought I was a "Queen". I laughed at this one, but it was a sort of laugh-cry - he hurt my feelings, yk?

And the interesting thing - even though DH is right there with me with any changes we make, DS anger is directed at me. He has even said, "DH is only doing it because you want to" - so papa is off the hook. I am the designated bad guy.....It is upsetting.

Totally off topic, but I had been toying with the idea of HS him next year. At this moment in time (and yes, I know, things can change) I think we would really get on each others nerves if this happenned. Ds has been on March break - and is returning to school today, and I am glad! We both need the change of pace.

Kathy (the venting)

From my experience (and those of my friends, we've discussed this), it's TOTALLY normal, though frustrating.

I'm going through the same thing with my 12 year old DS right now, and a couple of years ago with my DD. It DOES get better.

From my experience (and those of my friends, we've discussed this), it's TOTALLY normal, though frustrating.

I'm going through the same thing with my 12 year old DS right now, and a couple of years ago with my DD. It DOES get better.

Thanks for this. I need to hear it gets better......

Hormones are mysterious and lively things eh? ;) It can be tough sometimes. For us and for them.

It sounds like maybe he took the clearning of the game stuff personally. Like he felt it said something about him, his things. It's something that can happen at this age even when we don't mean it that way. That crazy sensitive "are you judging me?!!" response not unlike something I've felt when I was hormonal.

As for him doing stuff you don't want (though you didn't mention it specifically so I am not sure)...try not to turn it into a full on battle.

Hang in there! :)

I had not thought he might feel judged. It might explain the situation - and this isn't the first time he has been disproportionally upset over cleaning. I think some mother/son time is in order - see if we can iron out some things. Truthfully the cleaning/organisaional spree is all about me - it was not intended as judgement of him.

Which leads to another question - how do you talk to children without coming across as naggy/beating a dead horse? Quite frankly, I am sure my DS wants to run from the room whenever I suggest we talk - as we "talk" so darn much! I need more communication tools.

So while I want to talk to him about it, I am also afraid to. I talk so much I am afraid he does not listen (and I know I own some part of this negative communication pattern - I just do not know how to stop it)


Kathy

Repeat after me:
" I have the right to a peaceful and orderly home."


Everything has a home. The cd's, the dvd's, the game cartridges.... all have a "home". It is not too much to ask that they get to their home at least at the end of each day.

Your son is probably feeling frustrated in some other area of his life and is taking it out on you.

Which leads to another question - how do you talk to children without coming across as naggy/beating a dead horse? Quite frankly, I am sure my DS wants to run from the room whenever I suggest we talk - as we "talk" so darn much! I need more communication tools.

So while I want to talk to him about it, I am also afraid to. I talk so much I am afraid he does not listen (and I know I own some part of this negative communication pattern - I just do not know how to stop it)

Kathy

It can be tough to know how to approach things. I'd just say "Hey the game stuff is a little cluttery/chaotic. Do you mind if we (or just I) change how we store it? It might be more practical if we do ...xyz. What do you think?"

Then it's more conversational and you're seeking his input. He might be less likely to personalize the changes.

Sometimes he's just going to be touchy no matter what you say. In those cases you just have to remove yourself from his reaction a little bit and try to remember that it's not really about you. I've been known to tell Dd "I'm not picking you kiddo. You okay?"

When I am feeling this way with ds I try to spend some time with him that has nothing to do with "issues". We'll go out for a meal together just the two of us .. or shopping or something fun. (a walk or a hike or a game of mini golf or bowing?) It seems to "recharge" our relationship back up to where we can talk to each other without all the underlying resentments or should/shouldn'ts or whatever that ickeyness is that keeps us from being able to just talk about things.

I really love the book "How to talk so kids will listens and Listen so kids will talk". It has done wonders for how I talk to/with my son (who is much youngers than yours) and both my sister and SIL said the it really helped with their pre-teens and teens who are now seniors in highschool and older.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960

I agree it's normal but frustrating. :hug

As someone with OCD, I hear you on the mess! My DH has a basket into which all the gaming stuff goes. The rule of the house is that controllers and other game paraphernalia gets put back into the basket, or the system is off limits.

The kids don't always love the rules--no more than they love having to put their shoes and coats away at the front door every time they come in the house--but we make it clear that with a large family, sometimes there needs to be a plan in place to maintain some sort of order.