Wives of physicians in training tribe? [Archive]

hsumam11

05-15-2008, 02:33 PM

Hi everyone - so good to see that there are more of us on MDC than I thought. I think my thread sat all alone for a while. :) Anyhow, being the wife of an MD-in-training is definitely not easy, eh? We do end up sacrificing a lot! I hope you guys have a good support system for when you need that time off!!

We moved a lot for dh's training - NJ then DE then NJ then FL and now off to PA! haha! So I had to find a support system fast! And I guess we kinda just hafta go with the flow or we can go a bit bonkers, huh? :)

And I hear you guys about the whole studying for the boards thing - dh is now on the final stages and is taking his oral boards this weekend!!! Please pray if you get the chance!

I found some local friends on MDC to hang out with and also found some on mamasource.com! :) Looking forward to chatting with you all! And if you're on facebook, PM me!

thelocknestmother

05-26-2008, 11:09 AM

I am married to an ER doc. When he works nights or weekends it can be hard. :hug to those of you supporting a partner through residency.

thelocknestmother

05-26-2008, 11:10 AM

oops forgot to sub! :innocent

umsami

05-26-2008, 12:22 PM

I actually just ordered this book on Amazon.

The Medical Marriage
http://www.amazon.com/Medical-Marriage-Sustaining-Relationships-Physicians/dp/1579470750/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211822939&sr=8-1

I also saw a new book on medical marriages during training (med school, residency, fellowship, etc.):
http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Residency-Medical-Embracing-Training/dp/0595487017/ref=tag_dpp_lp_edpp_ttl_in

I"ll let you guys know what I think once I get it. :)

Abby

05-26-2008, 06:14 PM

Hello everyone! I think there actually was a tribe a while back that never got very far. In any case, I'm married to a general surgery resident, who is 3 1/2 weeks away from finishing his residency and about to start a 1 year fellowship in colorectal surgery. and after that we are DONE! We've been together since college, so I've done it all, premed, MCAT, med school application, med school, residency application, residency, fellowship application and now fellowship. It is a ridiculously long haul, but this is what he loves, and I love him.

along the way we've had 3 kids, 5 1/2, 3 1/2 and 1. For long parts of this I have been a single parent. I'm home with our kids, so money is, to put it lightly, tight. But we've tried to be smart (picking a residency in a cheaper area) and try to stay focused on the end of the game. He will still be working hard, but the money will help mitigate his absenses.

Right now we are in the midst of packing/selling/moving for fellowship, so I'm not sure how much I'll be around, but I'm always, always up for a bitch session about the world of medicine!

Abby

umsami

05-26-2008, 08:22 PM

Hey Abby:

Can I ask a personal question?? Do surgical fellowships pay as little as ophthalmology? DH is starting a vitreoretinal surgery (ophthalmology subspecialty) fellowship in July...and it pays almost 1/2 of a resident's salary. $30k. Literally, he could make more if he was the department secretary. I'm a SAHM to three under five, and I'm wondering how we're going to survive on even less money. We actually qualify for WIC, and may qualify for food stamps as well.

I just assumed he'd be paid PGY-5 or 6. This sucks!

hsumam11

05-26-2008, 08:47 PM

Umsami - I know you directed the question to Abby, but I just wanted to pipe in and say that my hubby is getting paid less in felllwoship than when he was a resident and we're having another in Nov! Maybe that's just the way things are? Though he did get another offer back up North and it did pay a bit more? Anyhow, it definitely does not help. Alas...

Hubby also just took his oral boards to finish up his fellowship and I can't believe that he got grilled for over 3 hours! And this is after he took the written. Sheesh. And just to vent a bit - I always wonder why the tests always have to cost so much....maybe because they HAVE to take it? Ugh. Like they are not in that much debt from med school already.

Abby - we're also in the midst of packing and moving, as well. When people find out how many places we've moved in the past 5 years (since med school), they ask if I'm in the military! LOL!

Abby

05-26-2008, 09:00 PM

Umsami, not to personal, don't worry! So, we are taking a pay cut, but it is small, but the problem is not the fellowship, but rather the residency. Right now he is a PGY5 at his hospital, and paid the PGY5 salary. Starting in July, he'll be a PGY6, paid PGY6 salary at the new hospital. But he happened to do a residency at a program that paid well, so now, he's going to a program that pays closer to average, hence a bit of a pay drop.

my understanding is that you are paid according to your PGY, regardless of what you are actually called (resident/fellow). So for example, here, there are medicine fellows (3 year medicine residency, 2 year cardio fellowship) making the same salary as a surgery resident (5 year surgery residency) since both are PGY5. I'm not sure what it is like other places.

as far as the logistics go, basically we are tightening as much as possible, using some part of the sale of our home, and just hoping to come out on the other end not too far in the hole. Also, this is the last year for us, so we know that we've got a significant pay increase coming, which makes much of this just a bidding our time type of situation.

hsumam11, don't even get me started on boards (surgery has written, oral, colorectal has written and oral) and licensure. Seriously, writing a check for almost 1000 to be licenced in a state for 1 year? WTF?

(also as a ps, I swear a lot, especially when I'm angry about various medical issues, I'm apologizing in advance)

calpurnia

05-27-2008, 05:54 AM

(I'm not a wife, can I come in anyway?)

My partner is currently in his first year of med school - we're in the UK though so I think there are quite a lot of differences between our systems. Our baby is due any day now! He starts clinical training in two years time, & that's when I think things are going to get tougher. I'm excited for when he's qualified though & the flexibility it will give us.

Does anyone else feel that everything goes by the wayside apart from their partners qualifying? In our situation it does make more sense to give that priority, but at the same time - ergh, it rankles a bit!

hlkm2e

05-27-2008, 06:17 AM

My dh isn't in training anymore, but I'll join in in case I can help anyone out. My dh is an oncologist/hematologist, so he had 6 years post med school of training. We didn't get married until his fellowship, although we dated throughout his residency.

Unfortunately, many of the time demands do not fully go away once their training is done.

Will post more, need to go attend to a baby!

tabasco

05-27-2008, 06:56 AM

May I join you? I'm married to an emergency physician. He's been finished with training for almost 4 years, which is nice. However, he's pursuing an MBA part-time and is involved in several departmental and hospital committees. Sometimes if feels as though he never has a true day off between class and meetings. As thelocknestmother said, it's tough when DH works evening shifts, which is probably the majority. We're expecting our second child this summer, and I dread the thought of doing bedtime alone. I should say, though, that it's been wonderful having DH home so much during the day, and his schedule has always allowed him to participate in the nighttime parenting.

I'll be back later! My daughter just woke up.

Abby

05-27-2008, 07:04 AM

hlkm2e

Unfortunately, many of the time demands do not fully go away once their training is done

this is so true. When we first started out on this journey, I always thought "when we get to the XXXXXXXXXX it will be easier" (when we get into med. school, when we start clinicals, when we get into a residency, when he's no longer a junior resident, etc.) Part of it is true, as you get further along you have more control over your time, you get higher on the totem pole, etc. But part of it is not, he's never going to work 9-5 with weekends off, he'll always have call overnight (even if it is from home), we'll always be dealing with emergencies and crisis at the hospital. the one thing that will change is the compensation and then sense of knowing you aren't a grunt any more.

calpurnia, it is very true, that many many things take back seat to this, and believe me when I tell you many many people (even family and close friends) won't understand. it's part of the process. I think the best thing is finding some sort of understanding support system

Abby

hlkm2e

05-27-2008, 07:38 AM

OK, big kids are playing in the basement and the twins are sleeping, a quiet moment!

Does anyone else feel that everything goes by the wayside apart from their partners qualifying? In our situation it does make more sense to give that priority, but at the same time - ergh, it rankles a bit!

Being a partner to a doctor can many times make you feel like you and everything else takes the backseat. Especially in the training and early attending years. First they have to get into xyz program, then choose speciality, then choose academics or private practice, then build up their patients. They are lowest person in seniority while their families are young. It is frustrating.

I try to remember how hard my dh works. I realize I work hard, but I at least get to be with my kids all day. He works from 6am-6pm and then only gets to be with the kids for dinner, baths, and bedtime 5 days a week. That's 2 hours on a really good night, less if they are tired and go to bed early.

But I admit, often I feel like a shadow of my husband.

The one thing that gets better is the money struggles. With all the other time stresses, etc. of being partnered with a dr., the better pay helps. With him working so many hours, it is nice to not have that worry to shoulder by myself.

Danelle78

05-27-2008, 10:43 AM

Hi all, I'm married to a FMG (Foreign Medical Grad) who's been a research fellow the past few years, is now studying for the boards and getting ready for a neurosciences residency. I freakin' hate how everything takes second to his studying/research, etc. The good thing is that we won't have to be doing a lot of moving. But it's lonely, I maybe get to spend ten hours a week with him. We have a five year plan which includes that after his residency and placement I get to pursue some of my interests.

Umsami-can't wait to hear how those books are.

Keyfairy

06-01-2008, 01:29 PM

My fiancee is just graduated from his pre-med undergrad, and is going to be applying to med schools at the end of the summer, after the MCAT. I totally get what you guys are all saying...:irked: If he doesn't get into a US med school, hes planning to go to one of the more reputable schools in the Caribbean, and I need to stay here and make money (i just graduated with a BSN). which would totally suck. And since I will be working full time and making all of our money until he's in residency, we can't have kids for awhile...:( Buuuut, I want him to do what he loves, sooo...;)

hsumam11

06-01-2008, 02:46 PM

So glad to see all of you replying - makes me feel like I'm not alone. :) I think the medical route is so different than any of the other professions, so it's so nice not have to explain here what boards are, what a fellow is, why he's getting his first "real" job after hubby/partner is already 30, etc. LOL!

After talking to hubby about some of my concerns after we had kids (time issues, being a pseudo single parents and all that), I was so glad that he chosen rehab as his specialty, though it is what you make of it, I suppose. Since his goal is private practice, you can be as busy as you want to be, you know? And it's so hard to find that balance...

And being that it's the first time he's earning "real" money, we're struck by all the money paid out for different kinds of insurance and the talks of how easy it is to get sued these days. Is that really true: that people sue much more frequently nowadays? Do any of you have a trust of some sort?

Abby

06-01-2008, 03:34 PM

hsumam11, this isn't totally relevant to me yet, since we're still in training and malpractice is covered by the training facility, but I've heard that ever doctor gets sued at least once over their career. I think having money banked as a cushion is not a bad idea, even if you are only talking of money to cover you if he's out of work for some time period for whatever reason. I think most malpractice would cover any pay out for a lawsuit, but this is something to talk to an insurance person about, and is probably different if you are in private practice, vs working for a large practice or in a hospital setting.

I've also heard that some specialities tend to get sued more (neuro surgery, ob/gyn, for example) b/c of the nature of their practices, and that people tend to sued doctors they don't know (so if you are in a bad car accident and are treated by a neurosurg that you don't know you are more likely to sue them for a bad outcome than your GP who you might really know and have a relationshhip with)

lawsuits are a part of this life, and it is really scary, b/c once you are out of training you loose that protection

Abby

hlkm2e

06-02-2008, 09:02 AM

After talking to hubby about some of my concerns after we had kids (time issues, being a pseudo single parents and all that), I was so glad that he chosen rehab as his specialty, though it is what you make of it, I suppose. Since his goal is private practice, you can be as busy as you want to be, you know? And it's so hard to find that balance...

Is that really true: that people sue much more frequently nowadays? Do any of you have a trust of some sort?

Private practice can be less busy because you are your own boss, but often it doesn't work that way. If patients need to see a dr., it is hard to turn them away because you want to work less. You can hire other drs. to ease the burden, but often private practice docs work long hours due to patient demand, not because they just want to.

On the sueing thing, I don't know for sure. My dh's specialty isn't a high malpractice specialty. I do know many states have made it more difficult to sue drs., but I hear horror stories all the time still. Insurance is definitely a huge expense for any practice.

Once you get out of training, you definitely need a lawyer to set up trusts and arrange your assets so they are protected.

feistyoldsoul

06-15-2008, 03:40 AM

hello all, I am hoping you can provide me with some feedback. I am with a third year med student looking at doing a surgery residency, and I am having a lot of fears and doubts about whether this is a life or lifestyle I want to pursue. I am hoping you all would be willing to provide some feedback about what life is like living with a surgery resident. I am terrified of not seeing him for a few years, raising kids essentially alone, and keeping what feels like a containerized life for him to step into when school or work allows. However I do love him and want to be with him. What makes or made this process worth it for you? Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks!

Abby

06-15-2008, 06:48 AM

FOS, I'm confused, are you the med student looking at surgery, or is it your partner? do you already have children, or want to know about fitting kids into a surgery residency?

my husband just finished his surgery residency (graduated friday afternoon, yippee!) so I can speak to being a spouse of a surgery resident. It is a long and difficult road, I am not going to lie. on average, he works more than 80 hours a week, even with the work restriction laws. He had to round on patients usually at least 1 day a weekend, and throughout the first 4 years had to take blocks of call in the hospital overnight (amounts varied each year, but as a 1st year he did 2 5 week blocks of nights). the old boys network is very much still in place in surgery, and while there are plenty of women in his current program, none of them are married (2 are engaged) and none have kids. his hospital gives 6 weeks maternity leave, but since no one has taken it in the 5 years we've been here I can only imagine the resentment of other residents/attendings (it would impact call for instance).

all this sounds pretty bad, but if you love surgery (or your partner does) than it becomes an issue of career satisfaction. ideally, you are doing this for 50 years, so you want to really love what you do, not to mention so many years of training to put into a career. but realistically, surgery is not considered a family friendly speciality, especially if the woman is the resident.

I would urge you to look into some of the surgical subspecialities (urology, plastics, ortho, ent) since once you've completed a prelim year/s, they tend to be easier in terms of hours and call, but they are super competative because of that.

my husband told me he wanted surgery during the 1st trimeste of my 1st pregnancy, and he basically told me "I love this" so we said ok, it's worth the sacrifice to have him be happy. but there are plenty of times when he doesn't see our kids (we now have 3) for days at a time, and yes, I am a single parent for a large portion of my life so far. but again, this was something he really loved, and I couldn't see having him be unhappy after all we'd dont to get through med school.

sorry this has been so long, I could go on and on and on, did this answer any of your questions?
Abby

umsami

06-15-2008, 07:30 AM

Hi Feisty:

My husband a preliminary year of surgery before his ophthalmology residency. The first year was total hell. Work restrictions really don't mean a whole lot. I never saw him...and when I did see him, he was sleeping. There were a few times when he was so overworked and tired that he fell asleep driving home.

Having said all that, usually things get easier as one gets a bit more seniority.

If it's what you love to do, then you're probably not going to be happy with any other specialty. Just know it's a long road... plus most likely a fellowship.

I honestly couldn't imagine being a surgical resident and having kids.... but that's just me.

hsumam11

06-15-2008, 09:56 PM

hlkm2e & Abby - thanks for your comments. I feel like we definitely have to find a good lawyer and read up on malpractice and asset protection - all things I don't have a clue about right now. :) But at least I have a vested interest in learning more! ;)

feistyoldsoul - I don't have any firsthand experience since my hubby chose rehab as his specialty. But I feel that you and your partner can maybe talk about your priorities - whether it is lifestyle or career satisfaction or something to that effect. Just talk, talk, talk and make sure you're both on the same page. From working at a big teaching hospital and being surrounded by residents, I hear a lot of how brutal it is as a surgical resident and being on-call Q2 sometimes. I also hear about people falling asleep when they're eating or driving because the schedule is so demanding. But, of course, we need good surgeons, as well. It's a hard call. From my friends' experiences, you might want to rethink doing this right when you get married (if you're not already married) because being apart so much your first few years of marriage can make the transition of marriage even harder. But then again, everyone has different experiences! God bless on your decision!

nursingmom

06-16-2008, 10:41 PM

My husband is a family doc. I had my first when he was in medical school, my second when he was 1st year in residency, and my third just recently with him practicing as a family doctor.

It was really difficult raising my two older boys while my husband was in medical school/residency. He worked 100 hours a week. I felt like I was a single mom although he was doing his best to spend time with us. Now that my husband has regular hours, my life is so much easier.

I was able to stay at home because my in-laws were generous. They bought us a house and paid the mortgage while he was going through residency.

Good thing about him being residency compare to now is that I was able to talk to him whenever I wanted during the day. When I felt like I needed to talk to an "adult", I just called him. Now that he's practicing as a doctor, I can't talk to him unless it's during lunch break. And I try not to call him unless I really need to tell him something becuase he's so busy during lunch time.

feistyoldsoul

06-16-2008, 11:52 PM

Wow, thank you all for your thoughts. that was exactly what I was looking for. I am not the med student, my partner is. I didn't think a lot about what it would mean to raise a family with a sugeon when I met him. I think I was clueless actually. But family is very very important to me. I don't yet have kids, but want them very soon. (actually my uterous has been doing flip flops for a while, but timing hasn't yet been right.) And the thought of raising them alone scares me. And truely, i never wanted to be a stay at home mom. My dad was a teacher and was always the one off with us, while my mom was at work. Sigh. Thank you all for the feedback. I have a lot of thinking (and talking) to do!

Abby

06-17-2008, 10:58 AM

FOS thanks for clearing that up, so as the wife of a surgeon I have to say it is very hard. I am alone for much of the time, with my husband making every effort to be around for the important stuff. But that means he misses school conferences, bed time, family events, holidays, etc. on a regular basis.

also, surgery is a 5 year residency, not including additional time for fellowship training, and once you are an attending, hours are not necessarily better, but both money and control over your own time are.

medicine is a long haul for those who feel called to do it, and I truly belive you have to do what you love. but you also have to be willing to find compromise and set prioirites. in our situation, my husband wanted to do a fellowship, so we focused on clinical fellowships that had shorter training periods (colorectal is a 1 year fellowship) instead of the opposite (surgical oncology is 3 years, both clinical and academic). for us that worked best, but it still puts him at age 34 before ever having his first real job, and 10 years of post college training (4 for med school, 5 for residency, 1 for fellowship)

I would talk with your partner about his career goals, does he want a clinical practice or academic setting, is he looking for an office based job, or one out of a hospital, does he want rural settings or urban. Once you've hammered out these large issues, you can start talking specifics.

hope that helps
Abby

nursingmom

06-17-2008, 10:43 PM

I totally know what you mean by husbands sleeping on the road. My husband, during residency, often fell asleep on highway... which is dangerous. He would literally be up all night every 3 to 4 days. So, when he would drive home, it was really easy for him to fall sleep on the road. I remember praying everytime he was on the road that he would be safe. Thank God those days are over for me.

By the way, we got really good deal on life insurance through family doctor association here in our state.

Being a wife of resident/medical student is not easy. I joined LLL, formed a neighborhood playdate group, and met with my friends w/children as much as I could during those lonely years.

Even though I was difficult raising two young children during my husband's school/residency years, I knew that my role was to support him. I'm his partner for life, right? As a partner, I try to make sure he had food to eat once he got home.... and allowed him to sleep early if he had to go to wake up 4:00 a.m. to go back to the hospital. I try to be as supportive as I can be so that we can have the life we have today. Residency is hard for wives.... but it's also very tough for them as well. They don't sleep, or eat well, and are under high stress... one of our friend almost quit medicine during his residency because it was so tough.

As a wife of a practicing doctor, life is good now. My husband chose family practice because of lifestyle. Less residency (3 years) and maybe more time with family. Although it's not a financially rewarding practice, we are fotunate enough that my in-laws helped us so much through medical school/residency... and even now.

Now my husband is very involved in our children's life. I love it! My princess baby, born in golden pig year, is really lucky. She has two older brothers and a dad who wraps his arms around her every night.:love

Maryana

07-05-2008, 09:43 PM

Hi everyone.

Another wife of a physician here-- Emergency medicine. I am an RN, but that's in my "former" life. I went on maternity leave, then decided to become a SAHM. Now our son is 9 months old, and I can't imagine having to be away from him for 12+ hours at a time (not to mention what a hassle breastfeeding would be).

Anyhow, it's pretty stressful at times to have a lifestyle like ours, because my husband's shifts are all over the place (rotating shifts), and when he works midnights, he sleeps all day. I am a single parent more often than not, but I guess I'm trying to make lemons out of lemonade and focus on the positive. At least I'm fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my baby. Not everyone is able to do that. Still, it's very tough. We also moved from MI to TX when I was 7 months pregnant. Moving, starting a new job, having a baby, becoming a SAHM, and my husband's first job after residency... it's very tough, especially with no family in town, and no friends yet, either. But I know things will improve with time.

happyhats

07-06-2008, 02:14 PM

Well, we still have a ways to go, but my husband wants to eventually be a surgeon. Right now he's halfway through a paramedic course, which he hopes to use to support us while furthing his schooling. He has another two years before medical school actually starts, but schooling in and of itself already affects our lives, obviously. He's going to be quitting his job soon (maybe as soon as September if possible) and we'll be living off of school loans/grants so he can get all of his internship done-it's a full time job in and of itself! Couple that with the baby coming in December, and it's the best decision for us. Thankfully we're both committed to really buckling down financially!

nyssaneala

08-11-2008, 09:19 AM

I just have to say I am so glad I found this thread. My husband just started his 3rd year of surgical residency. I foolishly had the hope that things were going to get a little bit better with a better call schedule (every 5th night now instead of every 3), but we actually see him less.

He was prelim, so we just moved to a new area with no family, which may explain why I'm currently having such a hard time, I went from a good support system to no support system. Monday-Friday he rarely makes it home before our daughter (8 months) goes to bed, which is different from his previous hospital (Johns Hopkins). I do see him more on weekends now, which is nice, but usually we focus on spending time together as a family. I haven't had any time to myself away from my daughter in more than 5 months. (Honestly, since she was born, the total amount of time I've been away from her is less than 10 hours). I'm just wondering, since I'm sure many of you are used to moving frequently, what do you do to keep your sanity when you move somewhere with no friends or family nearby? Out of all our moves, this is the first time I know no one, and I am finding it very, very hard. I understand I can better take care of my daughter when I am also able to take care of myself (by having some time to myself). But with no one to care for my daughter, even for a few hours, that realization isn't much help in making it happen!

We've struggled with finding someone to watch her to give me a break since she was born, but I seem to feel it more now than I did a few months ago. Sorry about the rant, but I came across this thread, and just had to vent!

umsami

08-11-2008, 09:59 AM

I'm just wondering, since I'm sure many of you are used to moving frequently, what do you do to keep your sanity when you move somewhere with no friends or family nearby? Out of all our moves, this is the first time I know no one, and I am finding it very, very hard. I understand I can better take care of my daughter when I am also able to take care of myself (by having some time to myself). But with no one to care for my daughter, even for a few hours, that realization isn't much help in making it happen!

We've struggled with finding someone to watch her to give me a break since she was born, but I seem to feel it more now than I did a few months ago. Sorry about the rant, but I came across this thread, and just had to vent!

Hi nyssaneala:

I totally understand what you're going through. We moved from an area where I had lots of friends and family not so far away to a place where I knew nobody. We didn't really have any extra $$$ for babysitters, so I was the sole source of childcare 24/7 for about 4 years. It started with one newborn and grew to three. It was really tough. MDC provided a lot of release for me. I also joined some local parenting groups on YahooGroups which helped me meet some other Moms.

Some hospitals have support groups for spouses of residents and such. You might want to check that out as well.

Feel free to vent anytime!!

We just moved back to a place where I have friends and family near by and DH is hating his fellowship. He keeps on talking about leaving--which I just do not want to do. I've longer to have a support system for so long.

nursingmom

08-11-2008, 01:25 PM

In my neighbhorhood, there are many bright young girls under 13 years of age who are willing to be a mother's help for $2-$5/hr. Once you right the right girl who is helpful, I'm sure your life can get easier.

I've been there with two young chilren with husband is residency. I joined LLL and found few friends who were really helpful.

Abby

08-11-2008, 02:24 PM

nyssaneala, I was were you are just 2 years ago. believe me when I tell you that you will survive. it is difficult and isolating and draining, but you will both survive. my husband just finished his residency and is now doing a 1 year fellowship. we had picked his residency based on education and the fact that is was very close to my mother, so we had a lot of support for the 5 years. but we just moved from PA to Florida, loosing our entire support system (which had also included a lot of family within 1 1/2 hour drive). so now, my mom and her husband are here for 1 week to help me get settled and then they leave. and I'm here, with my 3 kids and 1 dog (who hates it here!) for the year.

I don't have a ton of suggestions for you, but here is my meager advice. find the closest college/university for babysitting, call LLL or API or MOMS for social network, contact the other wives of residents (even if not in surgery) if they also have kids, get out of the house, go to the park/library even if your daughter is too young, it will help in meeting others.

finally, know that it is for a limited time, you will survive, you will become a very functional and independent person and your husband will reap the benefits. sanity comes and goes with this lifestyle, and most people do not understand. we really are medical widows for most of the time.

Abby

MiaCosima

08-11-2008, 03:34 PM

"medical widow", yup, that's me - mind if I join in?
My husband is 34 and finally in his last year of fellowship. He's a maxillary surgeon (maybe the term is maxo-facial in english, not sure).
Sometimes it's hell. He comes home most days to collapse on the sofa and falls asleep after 10 minutes. Whichever kid is awake usually settles on his lap and they snore together.
We've searched and found ways for him to spend more time with each child individually, and all together...but I desperately crave more time as a couple. Sigh.:o And my kids fight for their father's attention big time - like when he goes jogging, he will usually take one or two with him on their bikes, and yesterday the 4-year old was screaming mad because his older brother and sister went (they're faster) and he didn't want to stay home with me and the baby.
So please, if any of your kids miss their father a lot, what do you do? Most of the other doctors we know don't have children yet, and they seem to think we're a little crazy with four kids.

hsumam11

08-11-2008, 08:25 PM

It sounds like we are all trying to figure how to survive our hubby's training, huh? For me, I've moved 5 times since I've been married (we got married during dh's 3rd yr in med school) and I've only been married 5 years! LOL! But honestly, I've survived by trying my best to make new friends (mamasource.com, MDC mamas, diaperswapper mamas, at a local church, introducing myself at B&N to other moms, library storytimes, etc) and keeping busy. But I felt so much like I'm going on a blind date when I go to meet a mom that I found online, you know? LOL!! Plus, I wanted to make sure our kids get along, as well. Sometimes it's so hard being the new person all the time. Sigh. But once I have a few activities to fill most of the mornings during the week, and the naps fill up some of the afternoon, it does get a bit more bearable.

With that said, hubby just got his first "real" job and his hours have been very reasonable, so I feel like I'm on vacation. Haha! So, for those of your hubbies that are still contemplating what field to pursue - maybe rehab medicine is a field they can explore? :) May God bless all of us with more patience and love during this time!!

tbone

08-11-2008, 09:08 PM

nyssaneala

08-18-2008, 02:28 PM

:wave

How do you all keep your marriage healthy?

We've never lived near family, we've never had a babysitter (I'm sure you all understand the small budgets), he works 6 days a week, and when he comes home (at around 9-10 pm) he has more work or studying to do. We're never in one area long enough for me to feel any sort of settled, after our 3rd move I stopped unpacking everything, and keep some things in boxes, ditto for hanging up any decorations or pictures.

Sometimes, I just want to take the kids and settle somewhere and tell Dh to come whenever he's done with everything and ready to spend time with his family. I know this is unrealistic and I know I'm harboring more angst then I should.:guilty We're both stressed out and it's really taking a toll on our marriage.

Any tips on how to keep it together?

We don't. Ack, how sad is that. But honestly, we are both always tired and burnt out, and have no one to relieve that. I resent his vacations because we always end up going somewhere which is not much of a vacation for me, or his family invites themselves on a visit, and I still don't get a break. His response to my statement "I need some time off" is "So do I." Granted, he does help out around the house, which I am grateful for, but I think he resents the fact that I ask him to help out after coming home from a long day at work. He doesn't get the fact that I am working too, just in a different way. So I can't offer any advice, but I am always here to commiserate if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime you need to vent.

I also hate eating dinner at 8.30-9 at night. :) And a residen't uknown time of departure from work wreaks havoc on trying to make meals!

hsumam11

08-18-2008, 08:47 PM

:wave

Hey ladies, another wife of fellow/resident here. Dh and I got married right before he started his residency. We've been married 5 years, moved 6 times and have had 2 kids.

Honestly, I'm sooo sick of all the training, moving, being 'single mom'. Dh and I have been arguing a lot lately. After 5 years of residency and now he's just started a fellowship, I feel like the life has been sucked out of me.:(

How do you all keep your marriage healthy?

We've never lived near family, we've never had a babysitter (I'm sure you all understand the small budgets), he works 6 days a week, and when he comes home (at around 9-10 pm) he has more work or studying to do. We're never in one area long enough for me to feel any sort of settled, after our 3rd move I stopped unpacking everything, and keep some things in boxes, ditto for hanging up any decorations or pictures.

Sometimes, I just want to take the kids and settle somewhere and tell Dh to come whenever he's done with everything and ready to spend time with his family. I know this is unrealistic and I know I'm harboring more angst then I should.:guilty We're both stressed out and it's really taking a toll on our marriage.

Any tips on how to keep it together?

Ah, I totally hear you on this one. When we moved this time, I had some boxes "already packed" because I never bothered unpacking it in the first place. And we ended up giving away one of the boxes all together b/c it had gone thru 3 moves without being touched! LOL! I also had some pictures that I had MEANT to put up still laying against a wall. Sigh.

Keeping a marriage healthy is so important yet so much work. So after talking about it, we decided to keep to a date a month. We would save up for this one date and go on it (almost) no matter what. :) We also got involved in a church quickly, so we had some sort of support system. Dunno if you're religious or not but it was a great way to know a lot of nice people very quickly, esp if they had small groups. Having small groups was the main criteria for us when we were looking for a church. And when I had one kid, I used to babysit swap with another mom during the mornings sometimes. We also ended up doing that with another family, so we could go on dates. [We took their kids for a few hours and then they watched ours another day.] Just somes ideas we had when we were without family and any longtime friends.

Besides that, I just remember praying a lot and reminding myself that 'this too shall pass' since he's a rehab resident and normally rehab physicians have pretty good hours, if they choose. Anyhow, reading everyone's comments makes me think I should start a site for wives/SO's of physicians, whether in training or not....so maybe ppl can find some support with other moms local to them. If only I had the computer know-how...anyhow, hope this helps!

Abby

08-19-2008, 07:17 AM

hsumam11, there are actually some online forums, scutwork.com has a place for spouses, there is also some international society of something for medical spouses with forums. also, sometimes residencies/fellowships are good about hooking up families, especially since many of us move to places without familial support, so that is always a good option (you can try the program administrator of your spouses residency or the educational director of the hospital if there is more than 1 residency associated with the hospital)

for me, I just keep in my head that this is 1 year and then I'm done. we might have to move again, but this is it for us in terms of training. it's been 9 years and 3 months, but in 9 more months I'm done. Residency was the hardest b/c it was 5 years, so each time we dealt with something, I knew we'd have to deal with it again the following year. Now, at least I can say, well, next year will be different.

I think that finding time to be together without kids is so important. and it doesn't have to be major, renting a movie you'll both like, going for a walk, going for a drive, whatever. but you have to find a way to prioritize your relationship. I know my husband works crazy hours, and so when he's home, we work to make it quality time, with our kids, with me, etc.

the best advice I ever got, was before residency started. the wife a surgical attending told me, "you need to become independant" and it is so true. There is very little that I cannot handle on my own at this point (having spent 5 years perfecting the skill, ha ha) but this way I know, when it is serious and I need his help. most of the time, I just do it. and while sometimes he's sad (missing a school event) most of the time he is relieved to not have to eat up his time out of work with daily grind type of stuff, which helps to make our time together better.

for those of you just starting out, or in the middle, trust me when I say it will end, this is not the way it will be forever. but it is hard, hard, hard and the stress and stain are not something to dismiss.

Abby

tbone

08-19-2008, 09:30 AM

:grouphug

Thanks ladies for your commiseration and words of advice.

As awful as it sounds, it really does help to know that others have the same struggles.

I'm going to call his program and see if there is some sort of spousal support group, I know the place where he did his residency didn't (that place was just horrible to it's residents in general). But this is a bigger program so maybe..

Anyone here in Virginia??

Thanks again for listening to my vent, my ears are wide open for anyone else!:love

hsumam11

08-20-2008, 08:50 PM

Thanks for the website, Abby - I'll hafta check it out!

Tbone - hope this program has a great spousal support group in place! :) We're in PA, so unfortunately not too close. But definitely check out: mamasource.com - it was a great resource for the 3 times I moved with kids! :)

dollysods

08-24-2008, 08:27 AM

Any of you know about a tribe for us mama doctors? It gets pretty lonely to be a mama doctor, particularly the type who reads mothering!

umsami

08-24-2008, 11:41 AM

Any of you know about a tribe for us mama doctors? It gets pretty lonely to be a mama doctor, particularly the type who reads mothering!

You should start one, dollysods :) I know I've met some other Mamadocs here on MDC. :)

I may be heading off to med school once my DH finished his fellowship... we'll see. Just need to retake my MCATs as my scores are too old. (Ended up going for an MBA instead of med school because I thought I was too old to be a doc. :lol )

tbone

09-09-2008, 07:47 PM

Hi!

Just wanted to check in with you all and see how things are going. Both of my ds's just started preschool and I loved having a little break today!!

I came home slept for 1/2 hour, took a non rushed, non child peeking in and non- " MOMMMMMMY!" crisis shower.:carrot

Dollysods, I remember seeing a site called MomMd or something to that nature that you may want to google. I'm not sure how "crunchy" it is, my experience with most medical families is that they have not been into crunchy or natural living lifestyle, although some seem to be more natural friendly now.:)

Take care ladies:love

tbone

09-09-2008, 07:51 PM

I may be heading off to med school once my DH finished his fellowship... we'll see. Just need to retake my MCATs as my scores are too old. (Ended up going for an MBA instead of med school because I thought I was too old to be a doc. :lol )[/QUOTE]

Good luck on your MCATs!! That's so awesome that your pursuing your dreams. I've kinda given up at this point, but do hope to go back to school in the future.

nyssaneala

10-05-2008, 09:39 AM

Just checking in again.

You know what I have noticed recently? I have a few SAHM friends that complain of being bored, and not having a lot to do. I'm wondering if I just have poor time management skills (I somewhat doubt that I lost these just by no longer working outside the home!), or I am really that much busier being the primary caregiver with a hubby that is rarely home? I run all the errands, always with DD in tow which slows us down tenfold, pay the bills, get the car serviced, go to all the doctor appointments, cook the meals, run his errands, clean the house, do the laundry, go to music classes, walks in the park, playgrounds, feed the baby (which feels like it takes forever from start to finish ever since we introduced solids months ago!), handle all household maintenance problems. The only thing I don't do is the dishes. :)

I try to give myself a 1/2 hour each day to sit down with a book (I love to read), but other than that it's go, go, go. And DD is only 10 months old. Anyone else feel that way?

texasmommatotwo

10-21-2008, 07:54 AM

another "widow" here!

i have a hubby in his last 8 months of family medicine...can you tell we are in the BIG countdown? anyway...about the bored thing...i totally agree..i am bored too. it's not because i don't have lots to do, like cleaning and such, it's that it seems so mundane...y'know. get up, get food for kids, get kids to gymnastics, get kids sippy cup, get kids lunch, yell at kids, blah blah. i am bored because i have nothing for myself. when i was working with one child, at least i had my job as a sort of identity..now? i seems like i am floating. i know that taking care of my two boys is the most important job in the world, and i still feel like i have no goals or i am not a productive member of society cause i don't get a paycheck anymore.

ugh, i dunno what i am trying to say.

does anyone else feel jelous of hubby? or just plain pissy? i mean, he gets to live out his dream job, while i stay home and deal with meltdowns, blow out diapers, paying bills and cooking. all he does is come home, eat, get laid and go to bed. rinse and repeat. it gets old....i miss my friends from resdency...

i miss having a life of my own...it's not the kids, it's a feeling of just being lost and not knowing where i fit in....please tell me it's just a phase, lol!!

nice to meat y'all, btw!!

kimchihoff@mac.com

11-01-2008, 10:03 PM

Hi everyone-
This is the first time I have ever joined a thread and posted, but felt I needed to connect with like situation-ed wives/mamas.

My husband is an ER doc and hours are crazy-no schedule to speak of and changes every day/week/month...we have two kids and another on the way in March. I am grateful to have met him post residency, so there isn't the money issue, but there are certainly others. He is gone half the nights of the month and though I often get help for dinner/bath/bed, the reality is that our relationship feels very nonexistent. I keep a "normal" schedule and even when he is home, he is on a late schedule and often goes to sleep in the middle of the night in a separate room. I left my job after kid #2 came, as we felt that would give more flexibility to be able to have time together, according to his schedule.
That hasn't happened really-he is always catching up on sleep, charts, etc. Though I am less stressed not juggling a full time job, kids, help and his schedule, I am realizing that I feel pretty lonely and bored. Busy with dealing with household and kids, yes, but we still are constantly going in different directions. And admittedly, resentful.

What has also become a real issue is that with him being gone so many nights, he feels he never does anything "fun"-go out to a concert, seeing friends, etc. I admit I get pissy about him doing those things because I am alone with the kids every night. So the additional recreational "gone" time feels like a slap in the face. How do you all handle this?

We try to have date nights, but being preg again and tired by 9 pm as I am up with kids early, they have felt pretty lame. And the last time we "got away" for a night-surprise! I got pregnant again, with two young kids already.

I recently started a few hours of work, as I was really feeling the resentment building, and that feels good. I plan on increasing it, so I have about two days a week, but that still doesn't change the crazy erratic ER doc schedule.

Any insight, wise wives?
Much appreciated.

Abby

11-03-2008, 11:00 AM

kimchihoff,

it's a tough spot to be in, your partner works long and hard hours, and feels like he deserves some time off, you work long and hard hours and want him to be home to help and support the family.

we've also gone through this a various times, with various amounts of success. I do try really hard to resepct his need to have time off for himself, to exercise, go out with friends, etc. he tries really hard to recognize that this cannot be the priority at all times. more often than not, family has to be first. so we try to have him do 'fun' stuff with the kids, exercise with them, go out with them, whatever, which has been helpful. we also both recognize that this lifestyle requires a ton of compromise and a ton of talking through for both of us.

I would strongly urge you to talk to him, as often as necessary to get through what it is you want from him

Abby

hattifattener

11-03-2008, 11:56 AM

Hey! Maybe I don't belong here, because DH is going to be a PA instead of an MD. But that doesn't make a big difference to me when he's living 3 hours away doing a family practice rotation, so you'll have to pull me out of this forum kicking and screaming. :D

For me the issues are:

*Nooooo money
*occasional jealousy- I get to take out the trash and do the nightly bedtime routine so that he can have his dream job. Hmmph.
*having trouble adjusting to him being gone, but also (and this was a surprise to me) having trouble adjusting when he's back; all of a sudden there are other "opinions" floating around about my parenting and household choices- WTH? :p

texasmommatotwo

11-04-2008, 07:49 AM

all i can say about the er schedule is to keep a schedule that you like and your dh can adjust his schedule to you and the kids...it sounds harsh, but you need some normalcy and so do the kids. as for the resentment, i feel it, but because of my faith i can handle it. we, the family, have not and will not be a priority for a long time and i have accepted that. get on the internet everyday to this forum and i talk to my friend who lives far away a couple of time a week. it's hard to be alone and lonely all the time...very hard.

talking to dh about my feelings and such only works when he is isn't tired, charting or making phone calls. i also don't want to burden him with a b**chy wife because he has so many other probs to deal with at work (trying hard not to be a martyr).

it's always job first, which bothers me...what can i do? focus on the kids and not on myself or my pity parties...it's hard...i wish i had my best friend closer, then we could hang out and i would feel like i have something to do...y'know?

anyway...the no money thing sucks and won't get better till next year....
never had anyone question my pareting choices, but then again i have a pretty strong personality, so i think most family would keep opinions to themselves.

adjusting to him being home? that's funny cause i know what you mean...sometimes i am like, why aren't you at work...you are messing up my schedule. i am so used to him being gone that when he is around, it's like what are you doing here? it's weird.

i miss talking and connecting. he just doesn't seem to want to talk. he sits in front of the tv and stares at it. alot of time if i try to talk to him, he pushes the pause button to listen to me, which makes me feel like the tv is more important because he is pausing it so he won't miss anything, kwim? so i keep it short.

sometimes it's really good, though, and we have a great time when he is plugged in and wants to hang with the boys and stuff...i just wish it was more often that he could and had the energy to give.

being married to a dr isn't all that it is cracked up to be! maybe in 20yrs or so!

medmom7

11-05-2008, 07:30 AM

I'm a 4th yr med student and mother of a young baby so I understand firsthand both the challenges of mothering and the challenges of medical training. Medicine is truly a rewarding calling, and those of us who are fortunate to have supportive spouses are truly blessed. I am so busy and tired and probably don't let my husband know nearly enough how much I value his support. Please know that you have such a vital role in the life of your medical spouse. The extent to which he/she is able to provide good care to his/her patients is due in large part to the support you provide. Thank you!

tbone

11-07-2008, 09:56 PM

I completely understand the boredom too. I have plenty to do, it's just mind numbing. Both of my kiddos are in preschool now, so I have some relief, but
I'm still doing mundane tasks. Laundry, cooking, putting away laundry, cooking some more, cleaning house, doing all the yardwork since dh is never around, paying bills, dishes, and again the never ending chore of hanging up clothes. Then Dh has the nerve to ask me how my "day off" is. He calls the days when the kids are in school 'days off'. :eyesroll

I guess I wouldn't be as bored if I had some friends around here. We just move so often, and I'm not the most extrovert person. We just moved here this past summer and we'll be moving again this July when dh's fellowship is over:D. At this point, I feel like what's the point of even trying anymore since we're moving in 8 months.(I completely on board with the countdown! Last year dh had the countdown down to the hours, ex 6wks, 2days,and 11 hours!) I've been on some playdates with ds, but I honestly felt no connection. The mom's of kids ds's age are so much older than me, and I really don't mind it, but I always get the feeling they do. Add to it my crunchy ways and well..

Next week, dh is leaving to fly across the country for a 1 week conference, he gets to be in sunny california, while I continue to be mom/housewife. Yay:irked:

Sorry, I didn't mean for this post to be such a rant! Just wanted to let you mamas know that I feel ya!

kimchihoff@mac.com

12-25-2008, 10:08 PM

Hi all-
It's xmas and I hope all yours feel happier than mine...my husband left today for a week with our 4 year old for the annual family visit to Colorado. I am 7 mos pregnant with #3 and am staying home with our 16 mo. old.
Though I really wanted it to be fine for him to go, I am not okay with it...I am hormonal and resentful. He is an ER doc and as usual, before leaving or taking any time off, had to squeeze all his shifts into a smaller time frame. He is exhausted, as always, and worked to the bone. I feel sick of this being my life but it is and with baby #3 coming in march, it doesn't feel like it's going to get better...I am trying to not be such a pessimist, but its how I feel.

The solution, I have decided, is we are going to hire an au pair. We have an extra room and his his insane hours it is too hard and costly to have the help I need when I need unless it is live in. We have just started the process and I feel hopeful that my life won't feel so hectic, frustrating and empty and lonely all the same time. I don't resent his profession or career-I love that he is a healer and a teacher and so good at what he does, but the lifestyle is a real challenge for a family and especially with 3 kids under 5.
I will keep you posted and have hope that an extra pair of hands and eyes will make things feel manageable.

Happy holidays to all...

nursingmom

12-29-2008, 12:16 AM

Happy holidays!

One of my neighbors always had an au pair (live-in). They have three kids. I do not know the previous au pairs who only stayed for one year, but the recent au pair lived with them for 7 years and she was fantastic. She was so good with all the kids. Never yelled at them... yet was able to displine with calm and assertive manner. She even slept with the youngest for the first year of his life. She was in her twenties/early thirties... from Poland. She drove the kids to all the activities and helped them with homework.

Yes.. you need all the help you can get! ....espeically with three young kids!

hsumam11

12-29-2008, 03:23 PM

Hope everyone had a great holiday! We had a nice time with family since dh had Christmas off - woohoo! ;) I definitely hear you guys about it feeling mundane day-to-day, even though it's so busy - esp with you're juggling being home and if you have more than 1 child. I just had my 3rd this Nov and it's been hard trying to get in the groove again!

With this being hubby's first year out of training, I want to encourage you guys and say that it does get a bit easier, depending on the speciality he chooses. And if he's still deciding, physiatry is pretty good for having a home life! Though with the economy these days and dh being at a small practice, we're not even sure where we'll be next year...but that's for another post. And people think MDs are always making the big bucks.....ahem. :)

I totally agree that it's so hard to find a balance between being the best supporter your dh can have and having time to yourself. But I really feel that for me when I take care of myself first, I can take care of others better. Since I can't really ask dh to help me much more, I started looking for other things. One of the best things I've joined is our local YMCA - they have free 'childwatch' when you work out, so I go there maybe 1-2 times a week just to drop the kids off and walk on the treadmill and read mindless magazines. Hehe. It makes me feel so good just to have that break! :) There is also a MOPS group at my church that offer free babysitting when we have meetings. And I've met mamas that I can hang with. Maybe you guys have that near you, as well?!

Sometimes, I do feel envious that hubby can do what he wants and have the free time that he needs. And we've been talking more about what I need. Something it's hard to talk about it or I find myself not knowing what to say but we sort it out eventually. ;) But he is doing his best to help me when he can and I find that when I say that I appreciate him doing x, he does it more. :)

Anyhow, sometimes it's hard to even know who I am apart from my kiddies - and I've been thinking about that a lot lately since I turned 30 about a month ago. I've been trying to rediscover my interest and find ways to pursue them bit by bit. Alrighty, enough rambling from me, thanks for letting me get some thoughts on 'paper'. :)

sidereal

01-03-2009, 07:39 PM

Abby

01-04-2009, 08:05 AM

sidereal, I think it's fair to say, we'll take anyone!

it sounds like you have a real love of medicine, which I think is critical to emotional success. I always tell people, if you can imagine yourself doing anything else, then medicine is not for you. it has to be the only thing you can imagine, because it requires so much sacrifice for both the doc and the family.
in terms of the logistics t hat you asked about, we had our 1st during the 4th year of med school, as did a lot of our friends, it is typically a more laid back year for most. in terms of lifestyle, truthfully, residency is what will decide that. Although med school seems crazy right now, and overwhelming and all consuming, it is nothing compared to years of training. so, if you want to be around with your kids, and if time at home is a factor for you, I would urge you to consider some of the better 'lifestyle' residencies (peds, IM, ER, etc.) that have shorter training times. They will put you into practice quicker and limit the lenght of residency. However, the counter to this is that these typically pay less, so if you are planning to be the primary breadwinner, this is also a factor.

another option, is to go for a harder residency that has better payout in the end, figuring a little more time in residency but better lifestyle at the end (radiology, derm, some surgical subspecialities) these are going to be much harder to get into, but again, will pay out money and lifestyle at the end.

again, I would stress, no matter what you go into, residency is its own kind of hell. the hours are long, the work environment can be really toxic at times, and physically it is rough (lack of sleep, poor eating, etc.) so I would try to prepare yourself for that. You will be away from your kids, not matter what you decide (weekends and nights on call, holidays, etc.) although most programs will guarantee maternity leave, I would assume no more than 6 weeks, max and depending on your program, you might also have some resentment from other residents who have to pick up slack (more likely in 'harder' programs like surgery rather than peds).

I don't want to scare you, again, it does sound like you really love medicine, but it is not an easy road and there are lots of sacrifices necessary.

Abby

umsami

01-04-2009, 01:23 PM

Can I join in? I am not the spouse of someone going through medical school...I am the med student at the moment. I had always wanted to go to school, just never realized how difficult it is to a) be a woman, and b) be an older woman who thinks of how to fit in having another child during 4th year, and residency?
Probably impossible

I wonder on a regular basis if this is the wrong decision, if I should back out now before I get us any further in debt, if my husband and DS will even recognized me at the end of this journey? I'm lucky in that my DH is very supportive right now putting me through school b/c he want to be a stay at home dad at the end of the road. I want to be a physician, but I wonder at what cost. Do any of your spouses regret their decisions?

Hi Sidereal:

It can be tough to be a nontraditional student.. and a woman as well. :hug: I can tell you that my Dad has been training radiology residents for the past 40 or so years... and he's seen many many non-traditional ones turn out to be the best in their field. He's also had a few female residents who have had not only one child during their radiology residency, but two! They do have to make up time at the end (it takes longer)... but it can be done.

You might want to hook up (if you haven't already) with some of the MdMom sites.... and also the nontraditional student support groups like on Student Doctor.

:) But, you are absolutely welcome here as well :)

sidereal

01-04-2009, 05:35 PM

Thanks so much for the warm welcome.

I have always wanted to become a doc -- but I didn't come into myself until after I was accepted, and started school-- if that makes any sense. I love being a mom more today than I did when DS was born, and I wonder if in the end it will be worth it -- i wonder if I even understand what I'm sacrificing when i look back at all of this in 20 years.

Not to be a bashing feminist, but I seems to be different for us as women who go to school versus our male counterparts. They can be stay at home dads, raise kids, do all the things that we have traditionally done. But they can't grow a child in their womb for 9 months, or breastfeed. At my old job, i used to pump in my car, the restroom, etc -- and this was a progressive place. I know that at hospitals as a resident, you can pump. We have made great headway as women, but I know that there can be backlash toward women who want to have it all. I know I can't have 6 months off after birth, and would be grateful to just even get 6 weeks. I am more than willing to pull my fair share, and even more just to have the opportunity to be able to do something as simple as pump every 4 hours....

The lack of medical knowledge being forced into my tiny little brain allows me to have these moments of self reflection! I'm glad school starts back up soon :)

I admire you ladies for putting up with those of us crazy enough to want to go to medical school and do this to ourselves and our families!:joy:

tbone

01-27-2009, 05:20 PM

Hello ladies,

Just wanted to check in with ya. Dh is in the process of sending out CV's for jobs now. It's really exciting to think about finally not being broke all the time!

Later, he'll be sitting for his oral boards, then his fellowship's boards. (Does it ever end? )

From your experience or from others you know, do you see most physicians staying with their first job?

From most of the people we know, most don't stay with their first job for more than a couple of years. Then, it's time to move again, either to someplace better, or to be closer to family, etc. I'm just so tired of moving around..

umsami

01-27-2009, 05:30 PM

From your experience or from others you know, do you see most physicians staying with their first job?

From most of the people we know, most don't stay with their first job for more than a couple of years. Then, it's time to move again, either to someplace better, or to be closer to family, etc. I'm just so tired of moving around..

DH is still in his fellowship... but of all of his colleagues and friends, I can only think of one who stayed with his first job. It was where he did his fellowship (they asked him to stay on)... so that could be part of it. He knew what he was getting in to... and knew that he liked working with them.

I think part of it also depends on whether there's partnership potential and what the timeline looks like.

Good luck and Congrats!

I hope to be where you are in a year. :)

Abby

01-28-2009, 06:00 PM

tbone

we are in pretty much the same position, fellowship is over at the end of june, looking for a job to start sometime next summer/fall.

my sense is that the first job is somewhere in the 5-7 year range (this is for surgery), after that all bets are off. I think part of it is because you don't really know what you want when you are in training (besides more money and more time) but that a lot of stuff does become important (administrative duties, teaching, billing practices, etc.) and can impact job satisfaction. once you are in the field a while, you know the stuff that you and your family care about.

something to think about though, if you are in a large metropolitan area, moving jobs doesn't necessarily mean moving locations. he could move to a new practice/hospital and you can still stay put. this is what we are hoping for and one of the many reasons to pick a larger city, rather than go really rural for us. also, the next move, if it comes will be very different financially for us. moving expences would be paid for by the hospital/practice and we'll be more stable than we are now coming to the end of 10 years of training.

Abby

texasmommatotwo

01-29-2009, 02:24 PM

yep...we are looking....well..sort of. does anyone else have a procrastinating husband? here we are, 5 months left and dh has barely started looking for a job and hasn't called a recruiter. he called on one job, they didn't call back. he interviewed one place, but didn't want to go to work at 7 am everyday (we are being cherry pickers!) but, man oh man, is he taking his time!!

we are looking at jobs in east texas. they are rural and pay for his loans. there are several positions open, so if the first one doesn't work out, he knows there are others. i told him i don't want to keep moving and he agrees. we have only had to move 3 times, so we are relatively lucky. i don't think any dr stays in the first job they take! i know as a former hairdresser none of my coworkers stayed in their first...it think it is likely that dh will work for awhile, like 2 yrs or so and realize what he really wants. we both are open....i can move again if need be but i don't want to. although, i can say shopping for a house is already WAY funner this time!!! i mean, LOTS more options, heehee! plus, we are looking at land and that is fun too. anyway, that was a tangent.

our last date wasn't to hot...we have little to nothing to talk about...he didn't even want to talk about moving or jobs or anything...kinda gets pissy when i bring it up, and i do bring it up a lot...mainly because i want to get the show on the road ya know? anyway...i hope y'all haven't lost your coversation skills!

tbone

01-31-2009, 08:21 PM

Thanks for the input ladies!

I guess I just hate not feeling settled. A dramatic change from pre-marriage days when I was more like a freebird!

So far, Dh says he know what he wants to do, but finding that perfect job has not been easy. He's picky as to what exactly he wants to do, and I'm picky about the places I'm willing to live! This combo has so far landed him only one interview:(

texasmommatotwo- my dh is a procrastinater too! He's also not very good with following up. Sometimes people contact him and he just doesn't respond:eyesroll

abby- your right about the move, hopefully won't be as stressful if his new job will pay for the expenses. He's looking at private practices though, not sure if most do moving expenses or not.

umsami- yeah, the partnership track is big concern for him. He knew a couple of people that are offered partnership tracks after 3 or so years and then when the time comes the practice either let them go or gave an excuse why their partnership was denied. I really hope this does not happen with him.

I really appreciate your support! We used to live on campus during his residency so there were other spouses around to chit chat with on occasion about this kind of stuff. It was nice to be around people who are going through the same processes. I don't have that now, so it's really nice to be able to come on here and be reminded.:love