Hi moms, I'm hoping someone can help me out a little regarding my 4 yo DD's behavior around other children. This has been going on ever since she was a baby at playgroups, and I am frustrated that playgroups and playdates/park time often end this way.

Today's situation: We were at the park, and it was just my DD and another little girl who played together very well. Then, a group of 5 children came over and joined at the playscape. Those children were not doing anything wrong, they were just a little louder and faster paced than my daughter prefers. I see my DD walk over to the other little girl's mom, and I see her say "Those kids are bossing me around". Now, no one ever said anything to my DD, let alone boss her. The only thing they were doing was being present, and thus my daughter had to wait her turn for the slide, etc. I pull her aside, explain, remind her to speak up and say excuse me if she needs to get by, mommy and daddy are right here (you don't need to go tattle to that lady) etc.

She goes back up the playscape and when there are already two kids standing at the top, she cries like something awful just happened. I'm sitting close enough to where I have see the whole thing. She was simply frustrated that those kids were in the way, but all of the kids are asking her if she's okay, parents are coming over wondering if their kids just hit her or something. I'm trying to tell the parents their children did nothing wrong (as they are beginning to get scolded by their parents), my child is very sensitive, and I'm feeling once again embarrassed and frustrated. My DD is screaming "its so loud here" but refuses to just go home.

Sorry its so long, I'm sure I've left something out. I really want to respect her sensitivity, but it often ends up where there is a big scene, she has no fun, and I am embarrassed. What can I do? Thanks for reading this big post and for any replies.

My 4 year old DS is very similar. He is also very sensitive and easily over stimulated, but wants so badly to play in the group and have things go his way. He is always the first to cry in the playground or the first to have an outburst. It can be quite embarrassing. If he is playing with one or two kids he can cope just fine, but in larger groups he gets really weepy and emotional. Preschool was too much for him and we had to pull him out. I appreciate his sensitive nature, but sometimes I wish playtime in groups went a little smoother.

How is she if you host smaller playdates at your house? That is what we have been doing and it seems to be easier on him.

yes it sounds like it is just simply overwhelming for her. My dd used to be like this at school when they went to the gym to play, she hated it!! Now she is used to it and has fun

Is it possible to intervene and play with her when there are too many kids. Like if you notice it getting busy, just jump in and be by her side whether she asks you to or not...

Also you might talk to her about feeling overwhelmed and what that means and how she might feel when more kids come, and is it too noisy, do you feel like its too busy, etc... help her to identify and name the emotions she is feeling and talk her through it each time it happens telling her you understand how she is feeling, naming the emotion "its so hard when you feel overwhelmed, its very busy now.... I can see how frusterated you are....." while either leaving, going to a not as busy place, taking a walk.... try finding a park with a walking path or something so that there is an alternative and say to her "if you feel overwhelmed when more kids come, lets take a walk around this pond here, or on this path here"


ETA: My dd is very sensitive as was I as a child. It can really help to try and just remember that she is who she is.... and thats it. Yes she is sensitive and yes it makes things difficult, but she is also... empathetic, etc...
Im only saying this bc I know that I have been unduly frusterated many a time over some of my kids' behaviors when they just are who they are and once I have accepted that and not tried to change them to fit the way kids should be and stuff, I have reacted better, more calm and things have gone smoother because of it. My dd is very sensitive, glued to me and refuses to be left at playdates, or to sleep at grammies or my mils anymore, but she used to .... it can be very frusterating, but I try to remember that she is only this young and will need me for only so long, and so I just enjoy the one on one when when my ds goes and stays with grammie or mil and she stays with us. Of course my mother takes it personally, but thats another post!!

I would recommend:
The Highly Sensitive Child - it's a great book about kids who are sometimes easily overstimulated by things that other kids don't 'notice'.

You might also consider:
The Out of Sync Child which is about Sensory Processing Disorder - where the child is more than 'sensitive', they just can't process information in the same way other kids can.

I've got one highly sensitive child and one with the processing issues. Sometimes they look a lot a like. The real difference is that my dd (highly sensitive) can get used to noisy, busy environments, and ds (my SPD kid) couldn't. But both would be bothered by a sudden 'invasion' on the playground. Dd would just eventually cope. Ds would want to go home.