Are Those Your Children?

[olliepop]

Last week, my dd (4.5 yrs), ds (16 months) and I went to Babies R Us for a registry gift. The (white) cashier asked, "Are those your children?" I said, "Yes." Then she paused and said, "They're beautiful." Of course, I said thanks.

My dd then asked, "Mom, why did she ask if we are your children?" :confused:
I said, "Maybe she didn't hear you call me mom," and I shrugged. The cashier then said, "Oh, well lots of people come in here with their friends' children. That's why I asked."

I think she may have thought that I was the caretaker. I'm AA and my children are biracial. I get that a lot. People aren't sure and they tip toe around the issue, but this was the first time I've been asked outright like that.

Has that happened to any of you? How did/do you deal with it? Would you put your baby in this t-shirt (http://www.swirlsyndicate.com/shopping/sh_nanny.html)?

[purplegirl]

I can't view your link at this time because I am work. However, my first instinct would be to say "Why do you ask?" Even if they weren't your children, how is her question even relevant? I think it is one to thing to say "your children are beautiful" but quite another to ask if they are yours.

[olliepop]

It's a t-shirt that reads:

she's my mommy,
not my nanny.

[cappuccinosmom]

(I'm white, my kids are biracial)

I've been asked if I was my kids nanny before.

I don't think most people mean any harm by at. At worst, it's usually just their mouth moving before their brain gets a handle on what's coming out.

[olliepop]

It's just that my dd is old enough to understand what people are saying now, where before if it ever came up, she was just oblivious. I think my reaction is more impressionable than what the other person says or asks, which is why I didn't make a big deal about it and pretty much shrugged it off.

My dd knows that I'm brown and that dh is white/peach and that she and her brother are light brown. It doesn't come up often, but when it does, those are the words she uses to describe us. She has no clue about race really at this point.

I really wish people would think before they speak. I remember years ago, a woman told me that I was "pretty for a black girl." She really thought it was a compliment. :eek

I just wish I knew how to be more prepared for these types of situations.

[purplegirl]

It's a t-shirt that reads:

she's my mommy,
not my nanny.

It is a great statement excep,t I think you'll have to be prepared for the unsolicited questions and stares. Of course, then this will put you in the position of having to come up with additional responses. I agree that your response will be impressionable, which is why I again suggest, retorting in a matter of fact manner, "why do you ask?". As your children get older, will probably be faced with, "what are you?". Again, I see that as an irrelevant question that one shouldn't have to answer unless you want to.

[shayinme]

16 years ago when my eldest was born, that happened to me all the time, it was maddening. I am cocoa brown and he looked pretty white, actually at the hospital he was born in, one nurse insisted he was not my baby when they brought him and triple checked my wrist band and his band. By the time ds was 3.5 some kid told him he was adopted because I could not be his Mama because I was Black :(:irked:.

Needless to say race has always been a issue in my family, at this point I am much more mellow and chalk it up to ignorance. I have a 2 yo dd and while she is lighter than me, she looks so much like me that no one has asked those questions.

However at this stage in life if someone did, I would probably get less upset about it. Though I will be honest if someone did ask me now, I probably would crackwise and say something silly like no, I am not the nanny I bought this kid, but I have a pretty b-itchy sense of humor, so I know not everyone does.

Olliepop, the comment you got about being pretty for a Black girl brought up a memory I have from HS, cute popular white boy said that to me :irked:, talk about whether I should be pissed or flattered.

Shay

[earthgirl]

This has happened to me. I'm biracial (B & W) and DH is a pale white. DD favors DH (you can see her pic in my siggy). I have been asked if she was mine more than once. To be fair, I do live in a neighborhood where there are lots and lots of nannies, usually of another race/nationality from the children in their care. But it still hurt my feelings to be asked if DD was mine.

[purplegirl]

This has happened to me. I'm biracial (B & W) and DH is a pale white. DD favors DH (you can see her pic in my siggy). I have been asked if she was mine more than once. To be fair, I do live in a neighborhood where there are lots and lots of nannies, usually of another race/nationality from the children in their care. But it still hurt my feelings to be asked if DD was mine.

:love

[earthgirl]

:love

Aw, thanks. :)

[MamaEli]

Yeah, this has happened to me a couple of times. (I'm white, the kids are bi-racial.) Once was at a Chick-fil-A, and it was an AA woman who asked me. We went back a couple of months later, and she remembered who we were, and gave us great service. I think she was really embarassed.
A couple of other times, too, usually in wealthier parts of town. DH gets really mad when I tell him people ask, so sometimes I don't bother mentioning those exchanges to me. I usually just look at the person with a smile and answer, "They sure are!"
It was kind of cute at the park last week when a middle school aged boy with autism was trying to figure out why I had Black kids....I could tell he was really trying to fit the family picture into his schema.
"Is this your daughter?"
"Yes, she is."
"But she is black, and you're white." Long pause.
"Is the father black then?"
"Yes, my husband is black."
Another long pause. "So do you have any white children?"
"No, I don't."
"Do you have other black children?"
"Yes, that is my son right over there."
"And he's black." This is a statement. "Is his father black too?"
"Yes, he is."
"But you don't have any white children, only black children?"
"That is right, all of my children look black."
"Hmmm, okay."

And we walked on to the next toy. In that case, I thought it was kind of cute, as I used to teach middle school special ed, and I could just see the wheels turning.

But for everyone else, just a cheery yes, while thinking, you idiot.

[Kapat]

We're not biracial, but DH is very white guy and I'm olive skinned and my oldest two have olive skin.
We where in a boutique years ago, DS was 6 and DD was 2, so the kids where just playing with DH while i was just looking around, and DD yelled "daddy!" and one of the workers asked DH,"Excuse me sir, are those your children?", and DH said, "Yes, why do you ask?", and then she said in a not very nice tone, "No offence sir but they're a little bit dark skinned to be your kids that's why i asked":irked:

I'm also asked, "Why do you dye your daughter's hair?" she naturally has light blonde hair but some people think it doesn't "fit" with her skin color:(

[olliepop]

It happened again, yesterday at the library for storytime. The librarian explained to the children that they would be doing a Mother's Day craft. She looked out into the crowd and said, "It should be fine. I only see caregivers, grandmothers, and Dads."

I didn't want to raise my hand and say, "Oh no, I'm their mom," so when she came around to give my dd the craft supplies, I said to my dd, "I promise I won't peek at my card."

Passive aggressive? Maybe. Effective? Yes.

The librarian said, "I'll help you do it so Mommy won't see."

I also thought that it could be offensive to a "grandmother" who was actually just an older mom. People make a lot of assumptions.

[thebarkingbird]

i saw this as it was the first post just now. my whole family is pudgy and pasty.

i ran into a multicultural family the other day and did not, at first, identify them as a family. they have ten children all adopted and of different races. some of them were speaking different languages. they were all working at the family's booth at the farmers market.

i'm not sure what people could do to avoid these mix ups. what would you like people to do? of course there are rude ways to ask and kind ones but i do not look at every group of children with an adult or a pair of them and identify them as a family unless proven otherwise. i ask because i do know what it's like to have a life people question ALL THE TIME (DS is autistic. it's always does he play an instrument, can he talk, are you miserable) and it can be tiering but i did run into a situation the other week when good information about how to ask politely would have been helpful.

i know it sounds selfish but i don't have time to approach every single meeting with a person without the shorthand of my schema's and doubt i could free myself from the need for shcemas in general but having one for ascertaining who is mom and who is not without being a butt head would be good.

and yeah, i'd buy the shirt. :)

[Collinsky]

Has that happened to any of you? How did/do you deal with it? Would you put your baby in this t-shirt (http://www.swirlsyndicate.com/shopping/sh_nanny.html)?

We probably won't have this situation, so I don't know how I'd feel...it's more likely that someone will assume my kids are white, and say something inappropriate to them. I've had a couple people make jokes about Puerto Ricans RIGHT IN FRONT of me and my kids, totally unaware. Ugh. :hopmad

I absolutely love those shirts though! The Multi Culti Cutie and the I Can Whine In Two Languages... Awesome!

[sevenkids]

This used to happen with my oldest dd ALL THE TIME.
No one believed she was mine. Someone made her cry once, when she was about 4 or 5, because he kept insisting I got the wrong baby from the hospital. He kept saying, "Somewhere out there, there's a Black woman with a biracial baby who is in a lot of trouble with her man"
Once, I was out shopping with DD, her dad, and her dad's wife (who is Black) and everyone kept telling DD's step-mom how pretty her daughter is. Even now, (she's 25), people ask if she's adopted or my step-daughter.
It used to hurt my feelings (Hey, I wanted some credit for my pretty daughter!) but I finally came to the conclusion that she really doesn't look Irish, haha!, and it may not be people's business to get in my business, but I have no control over other folks lack of judgment or their assumptions and I was wasting energy getting offended over it.
SMILE! and say, yes, she's mine! Yes, she's gorgeous! And she is MINE!

[earthgirl]

i saw this as it was the first post just now. my whole family is pudgy and pasty.

i ran into a multicultural family the other day and did not, at first, identify them as a family. they have ten children all adopted and of different races. some of them were speaking different languages. they were all working at the family's booth at the farmers market.

i'm not sure what people could do to avoid these mix ups. what would you like people to do? of course there are rude ways to ask and kind ones but i do not look at every group of children with an adult or a pair of them and identify them as a family unless proven otherwise. i ask because i do know what it's like to have a life people question ALL THE TIME (DS is autistic. it's always does he play an instrument, can he talk, are you miserable) and it can be tiering but i did run into a situation the other week when good information about how to ask politely would have been helpful.

i know it sounds selfish but i don't have time to approach every single meeting with a person without the shorthand of my schema's and doubt i could free myself from the need for shcemas in general but having one for ascertaining who is mom and who is not without being a butt head would be good.

and yeah, i'd buy the shirt. :)

It's early so I'm not thinking clearly yet, but can you explain a little better why you might ever need to ask? I mean, what type of situation do you need to know? I'm just thinking that when complete strangers ask me if I'm DD's mom, it's just to satisfy their own curiosity. I suppose there's nothing wrong w/ that, but most people that know me, or are getting to know me, know that DD is mine. I see your point, though. I don't really know of a PC to way to ask. But I'm just wondering how often it needs to be asked.

[mcng]

Im white, DDs are white and I still get asked if they are mine, some people say but you look so young others say they are adorable I think is just people making conversation.

[Oka-san]

earthgirl, I agree that part of the problem is the fact that people feel the need to ask. Sometimes when they ask me “The Question” I have to wonder why it even matters to them if DD is adopted or not. But it’s kind of a moot point because yes, they DO ask, and sometimes it’s done politely and sometimes not.

... it may not be people's business to get in my business, but I have no control over other folks lack of judgment or their assumptions and I was wasting energy getting offended over it.
SMILE! YES!

Me, I try to respond the same way each time. When someone asks “Oh, is she adopted?” I smile and say “My husband is Japanese. She sure takes after her daddy!” When someone asks “Is she yours?” I smile and say “My husband is Japanese. She sure takes after her daddy!” When someone asks “Ooooh, did you have to go overseas to get her?” I smile and say… Lather, rinse, repeat.

I do it because each person is asking me for the first time. I’ve heard The Question many, many times, but for them it’s the first. Being rude or snappy will just make me appear rude and snappy. Also, it helps me in general to respond politely and calmly, since I’ll be the one who has to deal with getting angry at the asker and it would upset my equilibrium (and now that she's old enough to start to understand, DD’s as well.) My hope is that answering nicely each time will also help DD deal with The Question as she gets older; hopefully, she'll learn how to answer calmly, and not let it upset her either.

[Joyster]

I am seriously, seriously tempted to get that shirt. I was assumed to be my oldest son's nanny one time when walking through the area of town DH works (really rich). I just gave an icy cold glare and said "I'm his mother". My younger son is even paler than DH (he's white, I'm interracial and brown) with blue eyes. That shirt would be perfect.

[cyndimo]

Olliepop -
I think you are right on key when you mention that your reaction is the most important to your DD. You might want to reherse a few different answers depending on the situation and the exact phrasing of the question, so that you won't be stumbling for your answer at the time.
Your daughter will be asked if you are her mom when you aren't around as she gets older. She will need to have heard you answer proudly, without apology many times so that she feels as strong about her family.

DP and I are both white women and DS is AA. I've got good answers for "Is he yours?" (though few people ask when he's hanging off my body saying "mommy, mommy, mommy!") - It's "Does he look like his father?" that I don't have a good 1-liner for... we have no daddy in our family and I never met either of his birthparents. I do know some lesbian moms to say something like "I don't know, I only met him one time and it was all such a blur!" We don't have many other POC in our family, or else I could say something like "We have a bunch of those great brown eyes in our family" to deflect.

When I see other pairs of adults/children in the park (for example), I assume that they are parent/child until proven otherwise. I do seem to be a magnet for nannys, though - they come to chat me up to figure out where I fall in relationship to DS.

Good luck!
Cyndi

[xochimama]

It's "Does he look like his father?" that I don't have a good 1-liner for... we have no daddy in our family and I never met either of his birthparents. I do know some lesbian moms to say something like "I don't know, I only met him one time and it was all such a blur!"


:laughup

[MetasMom]

My daughter looks exactly like her dad. Looking at their baby pictures you can't tell them apart. Well, I do not look like my husband and therefore my daughter didn't use to look much like me (that's changed a little now).

So I've been asked a couple of times and usually answered: "I'm not sure she's mine. I'm wondering did my husband cheat on me."

I wasn't really happy when asked if I am the grandmother.

[olliepop]

I think you are right on key when you mention that your reaction is the most important to your DD. You might want to reherse a few different answers depending on the situation and the exact phrasing of the question, so that you won't be stumbling for your answer at the time.

Fantastic Idea! Let's brainstorm and let's pretend the children are with us so our response is for them too. We need answers for:

Are those your children?

Are you the nanny?

I guess they look like their dad, huh?

Are they adopted?

[Bunnybee]

So I've been asked a couple of times and usually answered: "I'm not sure she's mine. I'm wondering did my husband cheat on me."
.

:lollaughup hilarious!

[seoul_mama]

Great thread...

Fortunately, I never get asked whether ds is mine, but I do pick up on people's stares whether subtle or not (that is, eyes on me...eyes on ds...eyes on me... eyes on ds... you get the pic, right?) I can see on their faces that they want to ask. Interestingly, my husband (Czech-Irish; Caucasian American) is asked frequently whether ds is his - most think he's adopted. Others have made more unsavory comments like, "Asian people are good people..." Sure, upon first glance a statment like this seems complementary, but it's so fundamentally problematical. For me, I hate when people assume that all Asians look alike or know each other. While waiting to get into the children's museum, if there is an Asian family in line ahead or behind me, the customer service person will nearly always ask US "are you together or separate?" Here's the thing that bothers me the most: when I address this issue with the customer service person and say (in a sensitive and gentle manner) "I would appreciate if you didn't make assumptions based on race..." I always get a defensive response and it makes me feel awful and worried that progress is out of sight. Here's the most fascinating experience, IMO: sometimes other korean speaking koreans assume I don't speak the language and, therefore, make unpleasant remarks, in Korean, about my family being biracial. The thing is, I understand them!!!

Ignorance and intolerance comes in all shapes and sizes.

[soso-lynn]

It happens to me all the time. I look very young (I was 20 when I had DD but routinely got asked if I lost my parents...) so people would assume I am the big sister or baby sitter even if she did look like me. The thing is, I am very pale white while my DD is half congolese, but looks like a dark skinned Indian. I have encountered so many people, in so many circumstances, who did not believe she came out of me. They usually stop questioning it when she starts pulling on my shirt and asking for milk. A usual conversation goes a little like this
-Where is she from?
-My uterus
-oh...are you sure, she is Indian right?
-couldn't she be half Indian?
-NO! She is definitely 100% Indian.
-Well, she is not Indian at all.
-yeah, right...

I also had problems when I left her for a few minutes at the IKEA childcare thing while shopping. The woman was worried I might be some crazy kidnapper or something. I can see why she would it take it seriously, so I thought it was hilarious.

[Bunnybee]

I also had problems when I left her for a few minutes at the IKEA childcare thing while shopping. The woman was worried I might be some crazy kidnapper or something. I can see why she would it take it seriously, so I thought it was hilarious.

That's interesting about IKEA...

Well just the other day I was walking around the neighborhood with my DC and got asked this. We were passing a woman and she first said how cute the kids are etc. and then came the "are you the baby-sitter, or are they yours?" question! DD is 2 and understands everything so I wonder what she thought of this woman asking "are they yours?"

When DD was a baby I got "my what a tan she has" and "where did she get those curls?" DH was out with her one time and a woman said to him "I guess she has her mother's complexion", which is funny b/c uh, no she doesn't! She doesn't have mine or Dh, it is her own!

Oh, I just remembered a NICU nurse asked where she got her dark hair from! Some sensitivity please? My DD was born 10 weeks early and you're wondering why her hair is black and mine is blond?

Sorry if I am rambling or off topic but the NICU thing reminded me about the pediatrician. When DD was born he came to NICU to meet us. She was very pale with black, straight hair. Dr. hadn't met DH. Fast forward to our first appointment after coming home from NICU about 2 months later. DD was now darker and her hair was beginning to curl. The dr. looked shocked when we came in. Again, DH wasn't with us and the ped asked "what ethnicity is your husband?" I don't know if I was just being overprotective/paranoid but my first thought was "if you knew she wasn't 100% white does that mean you wouldn't have had her as a patient?" OK, sorry to go OT...

[marzanmama]

I'm white and my boys are biracial. I never get asked the "are they yours" question--we live in a very p.c. area. But I often notice people giving us the surreptitious once-over and doing some silent calculating. I swear I can see the lightbulb go on in a person's head when they figure out that they are "my kids" and that daddy must be Asian.

A few years back I was at the park with ds#1 and I spotted a blonde woman with three kids who were hapa just like my son. I was intrigued just because dh and I know tons of asian woman/white man couples but seldom meet white woman/asian man pairs like us. I attempted a little small talk and said "oh, your son is so good on the monkey bars" or whatever, to which she said, kind of annoyed "uh, I'm the nanny".

You really never know.

[meowee]

My husband (not white) is the one who gets this-- I don't think anyone assumes he is their dad. Even my DD's teacher asked "who's that?" when she saw her with my DH. Most of our children are assumed to be white except for one DD who looks ambiguous-- and with her, I am the one who is asked "Where did you adopt her from."

Maybe I shouldn't but I find it funny! I just laugh and say her dad is not white, or, she;s not adopted.

I do worry that my DH, since he is never assumed to be their father, might get stopped and asked questions or somehow be under suspicion when he is out alone with them. I started to get paranoid about this after reading a story of two white gay dads who were stopped by police when traveling with their AA adopted daughter. I guess when there is a man involved, people might be more likely to be suspicious?

[thebarkingbird]

sometimes i ask just to be social. like, cute kids, are they yours. every kind of person gets questions like that from me.

in that particular instance there were like, ten kids and i knew that the family ran a farm together. i wondered if all of those children were the kids who helped run the farm. several of them appeared to be the same age. i just asked them some questions about the family farm and how they got into it.

of course, that's not a situation that comes up every day but i can think of a few times when i've asked if the adults with a child were his parents. it does come up occasionally.

[cyndimo]

I do worry that my DH, since he is never assumed to be their father, might get stopped and asked questions or somehow be under suspicion when he is out alone with them. I started to get paranoid about this after reading a story of two white gay dads who were stopped by police when traveling with their AA adopted daughter. I guess when there is a man involved, people might be more likely to be suspicious?

OK - so, I'm working on a few slightly paranoid solutions to this, and they may be of use to your family... I try to have a few slightly older snapshots of DS and me/my partner. Pictures where it's clear that it was a while ago, but also clear that we are the same people. Like pictures of us in a public Christmas display. So, that if we were stopped, we could prove that we had at least been together since last December. (Super recent pictures or "holiday" pictures at home might not be enough proof that we didn't just nab him off the street yesterday and pose for some pictures.) I have the pictures taken in mind, but I haven't printed them out and I don't carry them with us. My plan is to keep a copy in my purse, car and in DS's backpack/tether when we're someplace super crowded, along with my cell phone number, in case he gets lost, and then refresh them every 6mo to 1 year. HTH!
Cyndi

[DoingDoing:Julie]

i saw this as it was the first post just now. my whole family is pudgy and pasty.

i ran into a multicultural family the other day and did not, at first, identify them as a family. they have ten children all adopted and of different races. some of them were speaking different languages. they were all working at the family's booth at the farmers market.

i'm not sure what people could do to avoid these mix ups. what would you like people to do? of course there are rude ways to ask and kind ones but i do not look at every group of children with an adult or a pair of them and identify them as a family unless proven otherwise. i ask because i do know what it's like to have a life people question ALL THE TIME (DS is autistic. it's always does he play an instrument, can he talk, are you miserable) and it can be tiering but i did run into a situation the other week when good information about how to ask politely would have been helpful.

i know it sounds selfish but i don't have time to approach every single meeting with a person without the shorthand of my schema's and doubt i could free myself from the need for shcemas in general but having one for ascertaining who is mom and who is not without being a butt head would be good.

and yeah, i'd buy the shirt. :)

You know what, the best thing to do is remember that we are all one giant family, and dont let it bother you anymore!!

However, I have also wondered what it will be like for me. I am white white white with fair skin and hair, and pregnant with my husband's baby, who is 100% chinese. I sometimes wonder if when the baby and I are alone, if children will think I adopted! I think it is hard for certain people to imagine biracial relationships! They need to watch more children's cartoons!! (I feel like they are doing a pretty good job these days advertising multi-cultural)
And I would buy all of those T-shirts. Actually, I think Ill show my husand the site tonight.

[DoingDoing:Julie]

I do worry that my DH, since he is never assumed to be their father, might get stopped and asked questions or somehow be under suspicion when he is out alone with them. I started to get paranoid about this after reading a story of two white gay dads who were stopped by police when traveling with their AA adopted daughter. I guess when there is a man involved, people might be more likely to be suspicious?

People are suspicious of men. hopefully that is changing. But even if the kid was traveling with his/her uncle or aunt. A police officer stopping those two white dads is rediculous. WHATEVER, dont get me started.

[mntnmom]

DD was born with dark hair. I am a very pale Anglo. The nurse told me "Don't get excited about the dark hair. A lot of babies are born like that, her real color will grow in later" with my black-haired tan-skinned DH sitting next to me.
Some people just don't have a "brain/mouth filter". I have probably been guilty atleast once, but I generally don't ask about a child's parentage until I'm friendly with a family. There's just too much potential for hurt feelings, and it's really not strangers business anyway!

[hyz]

I'm finding this conversation very interesting--I'm pregnant with my first, and I'm white with a Korean DH. I guess it never occurred to me that people would think I'd adopted! As for the staring you may sometimes get, I have an admission to make, just to show that you can never know why people are staring at you. DH and I have longed for a baby for almost 8 years now, and I'm guilty of staring a little at all babies, but especially at babies or kids who appear to be half white and half Asian. I do try not to be weird about it, but I can't help looking at them and wondering if that little sweetpea might be kinda what OUR baby might look like some day. :innocent Well, we don't have long to wait now! :love And if I continue to stare a little, because children are all just so beautiful and interesting and wonderful in all their diversity, at least people probably won't be as likely to think I'm a psycho when I have a baby on my hip! :)

p.s. I find it interesting also that people seem to jump to the conclusion of adoption or nannies. When we first met our current neighbors, we saw that they appeared to be white, and one of their two kids was very light skinned AA. After squinting hard at both parents to be "sure" that they couldn't have produced such a son together (it was a close call, as both are somewhat olive-skinned, and dad had curly hair just like the son's), I assumed that the child was probably from a previous marriage. But, it turned out he was adopted! Of course, I never asked or brought it up--mom & dad mentioned it in conversation.

[Ekere]

I guess I get all the direct nosy folks coming up to me.

I've been asked if my children are mine too many times by now. Last week a woman I've never met said. "Their father is Indian, right?" The week before a woman who I'd never met blurted out, "is their father white?" A month before that it was "Oh, look at these beautiful Puerto Rican babies." Then it was "Oh, I thought you were their nanny." Damn it to hell, why do these people care? Is it going to change their lives or give them more peace of mind to know who I sleep with? Oh, and in Belgium it was "They have nice complexions." Someone did venture to say "not too dark."

People need to get out of their boxes and stop being worried about bs.yeah, I said it.

I like that t-shirt. cute and on point.

BTW my husband is African and European. I'm African-American.

one love,
Ekere

[Kitsune6]

I've only had this happened to me twice by white women. Once I was at an event in central oregon and an older women started telling me about how her DD adopted chinese babies but not that I did :eyesroll My kids are half Japanese. The only other time was when I was in the supermartket line and as my Dh came up to me and the kids I hear her say, "oh, that's why'. I didn't really worry about it. On the other hand asian (my kids are half japanese) feel free to ask me or dh all the time if the other is either asian or caucasian. I think that because we are in a multi cultural area we don't seem to notice so much or mind. DH is always asking me what my friends 'are'. I guess as a white girl or as an american or as a human being I just think it's rude to ask people what nationality they are so I don't. If it comes up, cool. If not whatever.
I feel so lucky that there are so many multicultural marriages in my neighborhood.

[menudo]

Or the need to point out why they are not racist. Again the other day a white man doing some work at My Mom's felt the need to point out that his daughter has kids with a "black" man-not a man but a black man and he loves those kids. :irked: Peopel think this shows how no nracist teh yare when it points out tehir focus on the race. I didn't bother to day that technically-DS-who he was referring to when stating this-is technically not black or African American.

[meowee]

OK - so, I'm working on a few slightly paranoid solutions to this, and they may be of use to your family... I try to have a few slightly older snapshots of DS and me/my partner. Pictures where it's clear that it was a while ago, but also clear that we are the same people. Like pictures of us in a public Christmas display. So, that if we were stopped, we could prove that we had at least been together since last December. (Super recent pictures or "holiday" pictures at home might not be enough proof that we didn't just nab him off the street yesterday and pose for some pictures.) I have the pictures taken in mind, but I haven't printed them out and I don't carry them with us. My plan is to keep a copy in my purse, car and in DS's backpack/tether when we're someplace super crowded, along with my cell phone number, in case he gets lost, and then refresh them every 6mo to 1 year. HTH!
Cyndi

What happened with the dads in the story is that they had to produce a birth certificate to show the police (they had been stopped while driving out of state on vacation). I guess they'd had trouble before so always carried a copy of her birth certificate.

The pictures are a good idea!

[soso-lynn]

Or the need to point out why they are not racist. Again the other day a white man doing some work at My Mom's felt the need to point out that his daughter has kids with a "black" man-not a man but a black man and he loves those kids. :irked: People think this shows how not racist they are when it points out their focus on the race. I didn't bother to say that technically-DS-who he was referring to when stating this-is technically not black or African American.

My mom is kind of like that. She loves to let people know that she has a black granddaughter like it's some proof that she is not a racist or something. It really pisses me off. She came to visit a few months back and some woman in a store was saying how pretty DD is. My mom just, completely unprompted, went on to discuss the details of her ethnic heritage and how it's was so great. I just took DD and walked away.

[heythere heather]

I get asked alll the time. Especially when I'm with my 2 older DS, who are as blonde and pale as me, and DFD, who is an AA baby. I don't mind at all, though, and I see it as a great chance to let people know about foster care and why we're doing it. I live in a very diverse area, and it's not just the other caucasians who are asking.

The cutest was when a 8-10 year old AA girl asked me, "Is she yours?" I normally say, "Yes, she is." Then depending on how much time I have for talking, I'll follow up with "She's in foster care." Well, for some reason I didn't do it this time (kids don't always know what that means anyway). This girl pondered it for a few seconds, then said, "Oh, she looks like you!" :love Of course, she looks nothing like me, unless you count the fact that we're both beautiful. :D

[Diane B]

sometimes i ask just to be social. like, cute kids, are they yours. every kind of person gets questions like that from me.

in that particular instance there were like, ten kids and i knew that the family ran a farm together. i wondered if all of those children were the kids who helped run the farm. several of them appeared to be the same age. i just asked them some questions about the family farm and how they got into it.

of course, that's not a situation that comes up every day but i can think of a few times when i've asked if the adults with a child were his parents. it does come up occasionally.

So in my opinion, since you are basically asking only to make small talk and satisfy your curiosity, I would suggest that you stop. I generally try to be patient and have a sense of humor, but I don't like the fact that my daughter has to hear questions like, "Is she yours?" For adopted children such as mine, that can be a difficult question to encounter over and over. It sounds like, from reading this thread, that this is also a tiresome question for biological parents and children as well.

I make lots of small talk with other families, and I have never once felt the need to ask, "Are they yours?"

[momof3ejs]

Ugh! I've been asked this, and it really pisses me off! Are they yours? No, I just felt like taking 3 children -that aren't mine- 4 and under to the store today! What do you think?:irked:
I, personally, liked the I'm swirled tshirt! That's adorable! I may have to get that!
We went to Pittsburg, Kansas yesterday to see IL's, and the ignorance and prejudice there really irked me. People would look at me, then my children, then give us 'the look'. :angry
I hate it when people ask 'are they yours' or 'what ethnicity is your husband' or 'wow! do they get their hair from their dad' no, they got it from God, yes they're mine, and it's none of your d*mn business!:nono02:

When people say, in that condescending tone, how beautiful my children are, my mom says "yes, we know" and walks on:p

[DRJ]

This thread is great. I get asked weird questions all the time.

I am half-Asian and my husband is half-Puerto Rican, so we're both olive-skinned and have dark hair. Our first son is also olive-skinned with dark hair, brown eyes, and looks quite Asian. Our second son is white. Pale, blond hair, blue eyes. His coloring sort of makes sense if you look at the whole family tree with the two caucasian grandfathers, but strangers looking at me just with DS#2 either assume I'm his nanny or they comment that my husband must have blond hair and blue eyes. If you see us all together, it just looks like we abducted DS#2. ;)

When we first brought DS#2 home from the hospital, we joked that somewhere in Atlanta, there was a pretty white woman wondering why her baby looks so Asian.

[Bad Mama Jama]

I like the shirt because, it leaves ignorant folks floored. I remember a shocked woman at my dd's daycare saw us sitting and nursing and she asked, "Is that you child?" I told her, "No, I just come and feed whoever looks hungry." She closed her mouth as did I. We don't owe an explanation, but I like to befuddle the already clueless. Yes, I am naughty and I know it. :lol

[Jannah6]

I really don't care about the comments, I do care if people are rude though. Some people are just curious, I know I am, I love to know the racial makeup of different people. I'm Black and I've been asked if DC are mine. DH is White and he's been asked too.

When DD1 and DS2 were young a lady was just tripping all over how gorgeous DS was. DD1 came over to me and said "Mommy, such and such". When I replied and made mention of DS2 being her brother, the lady not only was shocked, she couldn't get away from us fast enough:eyesroll.

[joanq]

That shirt is hysterical!!

I get asked quite frequently questions. I am quite fair (blonde, blue eyed, very pale skin). My son looks Mexican. I also look young so I think a lot of the time people assume I'm the babysitter.

I've been asked "Is he your baby?", "How'd he get so dark?", "is he adopted?". Most commonly people say "He must look like his daddy".

Which is odd. He actually looks a lot like me (shape of head, face etc). His features are more similar to mine, but his coloring is more like his dad's. I've noticed that white people always focus on him looking like his dad, where as non-white people tell me he looks like me.

[joanq]

OH! And also when DS was born....I had a nurse insisting he was jaundiced although the test came back normal. She insisted "look at how yellow his skin is next to yours!!" The whole time my dh (a mexican with yellow undertones to his skin) was sitting next to me. I just looked at her like she was daft and they redid the test....it came back normal of course.

[mom2tatum]

I dunno, I don't think I'd get the shirt...It kinda screams, "yes, I have a chip on my shoulder about it, too" or something...I don't want to seem annoyed by people's curiousity...I really don't care what people think most of the time and usually I don't notice or think about it...but to be fair, on two things: 1 - It is pretty common to see all shades of people and mixed families in most places around here and 2 - I am white, not black or any other minority. I imagine being a minority and it sort of feeling like, "here we go again" - probably more offensive since you are more likely assumed a nanny of wealthy "white" kids.

I get bothered by people assuming I must have gotten knocked up by some black guy instead of assuming we are married. I know its easy to think that b/c of where we live, but ugh, that makes me feel bad for some reason. I guess b/c they don't assume that when they see a white mom with a white child...that is automatically assumed to be a two parent family, and we just aren't unfortunately. I feel like screaming, "my husband is a good husband, a good dad, and we love each other and yes, we are happily married and living in the same gosh darn house people!" It is more common in our area for mixed kids to be raised by a single white mother.

[MamaEli]

I get bothered by people assuming I must have gotten knocked up by some black guy instead of assuming we are married. I know its easy to think that b/c of where we live, but ugh, that makes me feel bad for some reason. I guess b/c they don't assume that when they see a white mom with a white child...that is automatically assumed to be a two parent family, and we just aren't unfortunately. I feel like screaming, "my husband is a good husband, a good dad, and we love each other and yes, we are happily married and living in the same gosh darn house people!" It is more common in our area for mixed kids to be raised by a single white mother.


YES!!!!!!
I try to ALWAYS wear my wedding bands when I go out, even though I usually take them off at home. Nothing against single moms---wow, so much power to you---but I hate the assumptions people make.

[Ekere]

Bad Mama Jama said "NO, I just come and feed her when she looks hungry." I am on the verge of tears laughing my A@# off at that one.

Love it.




one love,
Ekere

[earthgirl]

So I think it happened again. I was walking over to a friend's house w/ DD. There was a woman waiting for the bus in front of my friend's house. I was unlocking the door and the woman stopped me to ask if I did childcare. I told her I did a little babysitting now and then. She said, "Oh, I'm trying to start up a home daycare and thought you might know how to go about it." I told her a group I knew of and that was it. Once I got inside I realized she probably thought I did childcare b/c she probably assumed DD wasn't mine. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but I doubt it.

[peggyitaly]

Since I'm half Asian and my dh is Italian, I constantly get "Are you the babysitter?" Here in Italy it is quite common to have Asian maids/baby sitters. It used to bother me a lot, but now I kind of just laugh it off and try to educate people. My mom (who is of European descent) also got "How nice of you to adopt these 4 girls."

[ewe+lamb]

OH! And also when DS was born....I had a nurse insisting he was jaundiced although the test came back normal. She insisted "look at how yellow his skin is next to yours!!" The whole time my dh (a mexican with yellow undertones to his skin) was sitting next to me. I just looked at her like she was daft and they redid the test....it came back normal of course.

Haha, this happened to us too, dh is Algerian but from Kabili so lighter skinned than most north africans, it was the nurse who had seen my dh who nudged the nurse convinced that dd was jaundiced and told her to shut up!!!

[avalonfaith]

I am so sorry, i read the first post's but not all. first i'd like to say i didn't even know there was a multicultural families forum. i'm going to have to check this out more!

then:
Has that happened to any of you? How did/do you deal with it? Would you put your baby in this t-shirt?

i wish I had that shirt now. not sure if i'd put DS in it. (he's 2) that's MY statement not his at the moment. i wouldn't put him in it now.

i am bi-racial. white momma and black dad. raised by mom with dad in jail. mom married all white men. if anybody has listened to Bridgette Grey you'll know what i mean by saying i felt like the black sheep of the family...literally. (and if you haven't you should check her out!). anyway, i'm back to seeing my dad (and the rest of the fam-bam that goes with him...both GREAT things)

anyway, my partner is a nice scottish boy. :lol and our son for sure looks like me and him but with his complexion and hair. it's really quite interesting. :lol our daycare situation was weird for a min. a new teacher came and there is one darker complected boy in DS's class...well of course i go to pick DS up and the new teach assumes he's mine. they both run up to me everyday, as they are the best of friends so i really do understand why it happened. but it really was heart breaking still to have the new teacher trying to pull my DS off my leg while he was hugging me because she really thought i wasn't his mommy.

[hottmama]

When my youngest was a baby, I used to get quizzed on my nationality-- frequently asked if I was "hispanic", puerto rican, italian, etc. etc. I do tan easily and have dark hair and eyes, but I'm pretty much standard white American. And when I told people I wasn't, then it would move on to "Is your husband hispanic? Indian?" etc. etc. No, he's black. Ohhhh.

Now that he's older people have stopped asking, though. Maybe because his skin is darker and it's obvious he didn't get it from me? And I've never been asked if he was adopted. I have been asked once or twice if my kids are mine, but I assume it's because I'm 24 and they don't think I look old enough to be my 5 yr. old's mom, which is also insulting.

[muttix2]

Ds2 is drastically lighter than any of us and because of it we constantly get suspicious looks as if he isn't my husband's (I'm mixed b/w and he's full black). It is maddening to say the least. I answer any question with a pretty curt reply as it pisses me off. I'll be glad for the day when people realize that shades of skin are akin to eye color in a mixed child.

On a lighter note, I love the "black and white and loved all over" and "I can whine in two different languages" shirts so much, I'm going to have to buy them!

Ahh... The languages one is out in my kids' sizes.

[innle]

My uncle has gotten the question a few times. He's anglo-saxon, and my aunt is Japanese. As for how their kids look ... well, we (my family, who are all also anglo-saxon) think that they look more Japanese. My aunt's family (who are all Japanese) think that they look more anglo-saxon!
:lol:

[tropicaldutchtulip]

I got this more when the girls were newborns/infants but not so much now. I don't know if it's because they are CC/AA or if I look so young! I'm almost 39 but can pass for 16 easy! And I'm sure I'm more confident in being a mom too now so I act more like a mother!

[mntnmom]

If anyone mentions my DCs complexions, it's usually a German saying how nice it is that they won't burn easy! My husbands family is Quebecois and Polish,and people often think I AM German, but the kids all take after his side.

I think as "mixed" kids become more visable, the ignorant masses will realize skin comes in all shades, regardless of what your parents look like!

[Oka-san]

My uncle has gotten the question a few times. He's anglo-saxon, and my aunt is Japanese. As for how their kids look ... well, we (my family, who are all also anglo-saxon) think that they look more Japanese. My aunt's family (who are all Japanese) think that they look more anglo-saxon!
:lol:

This is something we've found too -- when DD is here in Colorado with me, she looks very Japanese, to the extent that many people assume she's an adopted child from an Asian country. But when we're in Japan it's pretty much instantly obvious when you look at her that she's not 100% Japanese. The question we get asked there all the time is "Is she hafu?" -- which is "half" pronounced Japanese style, the term for a child like DD with one Japanese parent and one non-Japanese parent. That question bugs me in a different way, for a different reason, but it's not the same one that we get here in the US.

[WC_hapamama]

OH! And also when DS was born....I had a nurse insisting he was jaundiced although the test came back normal. She insisted "look at how yellow his skin is next to yours!!" The whole time my dh (a mexican with yellow undertones to his skin) was sitting next to me. I just looked at her like she was daft and they redid the test....it came back normal of course.

One of my dad's favorite "multicultural family" stories is similar. He was at my older brother's first doctors appointments, sitting in the exam room with my brother while Mom was parking the car, when the doctor told him "Oh, your baby looks a little jaundiced." and when Mom walked in, said "Oh, nevermind that bit about jaundice."

My dad is Anglo with the typical red headed complexion. Mom is Japanese. I frequently get mistaken for being Hispanic. My kids are 3/4 Japanese... they definitely look more Japanese than I do, but you can tell they're biracial still.

My nephews' father is Anglo, and he and my sister popped out 2 blonde haired, blue and gray eyed, pale skinned boys with somewhat Asian looking eyes.

[mommyintx]

I get this all the time being white with biracial children. I LOVE the shirt!!!

[leighi123]

DH and I are both white, but DS is a lot darker than both of us, sorta olive toned - People always ask if he is mixed with something, and when I say no, they look at me like they dont believe me.
I have no idea where his skin tone came from, its kinda weird!

[Calidris]

Oh, i have one of those stories too :)
When the nurse brought me to my mother in the hospital (back in the 60s), she checked my bracelet, my mother's. mine again, and was about to take me back to the nursery when my mother insisted that I was hers. My mother is very blonde/blue-eyed, my father is Indian. Mixed children were rarer back then.

[Jade's Mom]

I get just the opposite. My DF and I are both white, as is our DD. However, my stepson is black and has a 4mo who I often babysit. My DD and DGS are 18 mos apart so when people see us together they assume both are mine. That sometimes bothers me for a different reason. People seem to think that because the kids don't look alike but are so close in age, and because I don't have a wedding ring, that I must sleep around and got knocked up by two different men.

We get a lot of looks now. I wonder if I'll get more or less when he is walking and talking and DS calls my "Mommy" and he calls me "Grandma?"

Also, when I first moved in with DF and his DS and we would go out together we would get lots of looks as people tried to figure out the family relationship. They couldn't figure out why 2 white folks would be with a black teenager.

[yaboobarb]

My husband is Hispanic and I am white skinned ( hungarian mix). My kids are BEAUTIFUL and they brown right up in the sun even more.

When we were swimming last year at the community pool, someone asked my husband (who was holding our 3 month old and playing with the 3 and 5 yr old)

"Did she adopt your kids?" :)

I love it! It makes me laugh.

I brag all of the time about their beautiful skin. My kids even come up to me and say- " Look mom, I am turning brown." to hear me gush over them

[KnitLady]

I haven't finished reading all the responses (on page 3), but I do have a question. I've never asked anyone if those were their children because I think it is rude. However, I have found myself in a situation where I really couldn't tell if the children were with a nanny or with their mother. I would say different things to a mother than I would to a nanny. In these situations, I've just smiled and said nothing instead of trying to go through the shenanigans to find out who belongs to who and if what I want to say is appropriate or not.

To be clear, I'm referring to situations where small talk is appropriate like playing at a park, not at a store when everyone is busy.

Also, adoption is something that DH and I have thought about many times and I love to talk to adoptive parents about their experiences, but again, I never feel comfortable asking if they adopted or not. Sometimes the questions aren't out of curiosity, but have a purpose.


What would be the best policy? Should I just always assume the adults are the parents and risk offending the nannies? Or should I just stick with the shut up and smile policy?

[expat-mama]

I'm biracial (mom- red-haired Belgian, dad - dark-skinned Zimbabwean!) and the strangest thing for me was looking like NEITHER of my parents. If I was out with just one of them, people would always say things like "oh, whose kid is that?" One thing that really helped was that my sister looked just like me! We definitely looked related, and when all four of us were together we got far less questions- I guess we looked more like a family unit with 2 of us that looked alike! :D

When I was a kid in the eighties my sister and I were the only biracial kids we knew. We used to get sooo many comments and compliments about how "exotic" we looked and how stunning we were, etc. We didn't really mind unless the comments came at a time that singled out us from a group of kids and made us feel "different".

I think these days, people are getting a lot more used to seeing biracial and multi-racial kids.

One thing that I really love about the way I look is that so many places I go I really look like I could be from there! I have traveled all over south-east asia, africa, the middle east, europe and south america and in so many places people assumed I was a local! Then they see my polish/ukrainian-english husband and catch on that I have no idea what they are saying!:lol

Anyway, I wouldn't worry about offending kids and parents too much~ most of us are used to the questions and proud to tell you the answer! Especially if the questions come after a big fat compliment!:wink

[yaboobarb]

Anyway, I wouldn't worry about offending kids and parents too much~ most of us are used to the questions and proud to tell you the answer! Especially if the questions come after a big fat compliment

I love this!
Yes!:thumb

[ernalala]

I've occasionally had similar questions like 'are they yours', and it might be both because I (think :-) I look younger than my true age, and because of the tan of my kids. Also on one occasion someone asked me if I was one of the teachers since I was always spotted with one or two of my children when bringing to/picking up from pre-school.

I am Belgian, white-skinned freckle-faced with darkbrown eyes and fine light brown hair, in Turkey where I live they even call it blonde :-). DH is local and dark olive skinned with thick black hair. DS1 looks like a real mix and has middle brown hair, 'my' darkbrown eyes and quite a tanned skin. DS2 is dark blonde with the very same dark eyes and has a paler skin than DS1 but now summer has come he starts to get a darker complexion too. His features look the most like mine. Kids look like each other too.
You also find middle to dark blonde hair en bright blue, grey or green eyes in Turkey. But still I guess my kids look just that littlebit 'different' from others here, at least it's always being spotted.

My HB has been asked a few times 'are they foreigners'?, about our children and/or me. Mostly when I was not in the picture for a few seconds. He replied: 'indeed, but only half, mom is European' or sth. It may sound rude people asking if you'r foreign or a foreigner but it happens to me ALL THE TIME in this country. Sometimes you hear them say it behind your back but I sure do understand them). Whatever, I was quite annoyed about this kind of question but now realise it is just the direct way of curious Turkish people wondering where you're from. However, the often inquire because they positively interest in you (although exactly for being a foreigner) and/or for starting a social conversation. Still it's annoying, especially the frequency, but I guess I'll have to learn to live with it, that it 'll happen as long as I live here :-). But I DO hope that my children will not have too many annoying or embarrassing (in the meaning of rude by the questionneur) experiences in this regard. They ARE locals, yes mixed, and bi-lingual, but born and raised here.

I think it is important indeed that on the one hand you do not take the inquiries too seriously, and on the other hand try to give a plausible and polite answer (not defensive) as an example for your kids. My 4y old starts to understand more complex subjects and understands already that he is a mixture from parents of two origins, so he can also accept and think about our explanations about it. He likes to compare his darker skinned arms to mine too and finds it funny :-). And then I show him my freckles (which HE doesn't have) :-).

And they are both handsome (look 'different' and interesting to people in both Belgium and Turkey) - and oh my do they KNOW IT:shy. Hope that won't lead to arrogance or annoyment later in life :-). But they get to hear it all the time, also from complete strangers and they often get cuddled and kissed without 'warning', which my 4y old starts to resent! I assume random people will stop cuddling our children past 6 or so? Or maybe I should ask their IDs first :D...

[butterflykisses4]

We are biracial I am hispanic and dh is white as casper. LOL Anyway we have 2 children together and then each of us has a boy from a previous relationship. His son is of course white. I am his mom. I am in the process of adopting him and have raised him since his mom left him on our doorstep at the age of 9 months. But we get this ALOT. My older daughter 4 looks nothing like me. She looks alot like a light skinned Dora. My son looks AA and the youngest baby looks like my mini me. ANYWAY< I would want a shirt that says I AM the nanny!! For all the time we have breakdowns over toys in stores or outbursts in restaraunts. LOL Somedays I wish I could just be the nanny. =)

[littlemizflava]

awww i love the http://www.swirlsyndicate.com/shopping/sh_swirled.html so cute and the mixed thing is always there. i got when dd was born "THATS NOT YOUR CHILD" yes it was being yelled at me by a cashier. my mom was standing beside me and said i was there when she was born and "YES that is her child" i guess i am just a mommy time even kids that i was taking care of have always been looked at as mine :wink every day my and my bestfriend go out. both me and my best friend are white both of our kids are mixed with black. she has 2 kids 8dd and 7ds and me i have 6dd and 19m ds well when we are out they are all mine never once are they her's. she is looked at the mothers helper even when they are calling her mom.

[Bunnybee]

Ugh, it happened again today! We were leaving the playground, walking home, as 2 women and 5 kids were also leaving. The kids looked biracial black/white (some had blue eyes). I assumed they were the moms of the children until one of them, after gazing into the jog stroller, asked me "are those your kids?" I said yes and answered questions about their ages. Then the woman said "they must look like their father" and it sounded rude to me but maybe I am reading into it. But it really hurt my feelings! ANd right in front of my 2 year old who understands and remembers everything. I said something stupid like "it's hard to tell who thye look like at this age" but I wish I said something like, "oh, I always thought they were my spitting image!"

[littlemizflava]

Ugh, it happened again today! We were leaving the playground, walking home, as 2 women and 5 kids were also leaving. The kids looked biracial black/white (some had blue eyes). I assumed they were the moms of the children until one of them, after gazing into the jog stroller, asked me "are those your kids?" I said yes and answered questions about their ages. Then the woman said "they must look like their father" and it sounded rude to me but maybe I am reading into it. But it really hurt my feelings! ANd right in front of my 2 year old who understands and remembers everything. I said something stupid like "it's hard to tell who thye look like at this age" but I wish I said something like, "oh, I always thought they were my spitting image!"

:lol i would of said YES of course they are mine! are all of them YOURS?

[KellyKA23]

What happened with the dads in the story is that they had to produce a birth certificate to show the police (they had been stopped while driving out of state on vacation). I guess they'd had trouble before so always carried a copy of her birth certificate.

The pictures are a good idea!



I know of a story just like that, but with the mom. They were going on a cruise ( the father had passed away years before) and she was asked to show their birth certificates and his death certificate in order to leave the country! How horrible!!! They missed the first half of the trip.

[JacquelineR]

I haven't had this problem with my own children, but my mom used to have it with me. I also haven't finished reading all posts.
I'm blonde-haired, blue/green eyed and "Irish skinned". My mom's Native American, dark brown hair and eyes, dark skin, so are my 3 brothers.
I remember one incident where my family went across the border (from Canada to the US) to go shopping. We were confronted by a security guard and my mom was accused of kidnapping me. :irked:
Another time, my brother and I went to visit my gran when she was staying in an Elder's home on reserve. I went in first and asked which room my gran was in. I was told that only family could see her. I argued with the receptionist until my brother came in about 10 minutes later and confirmed that I was *indeed* her granddaughter. :angry
And I don't know how many times I was asked if I was adopted, had the same father as my brothers, etc. My brothers used to just laugh and say "No, she's the mailman's." and I'd say "We have a mail lady." or I'd say "Yeah, they're Uncle Ralph's (who is "black")" if he was around. I still sometimes get asked that.
It's annoying but I don't (personally) find it offensive. :shrug I just try to remember that not everyone's lucky enough to have a family as multi-racial as my own.

[Jannah6]

DH and I are both white, but DS is a lot darker than both of us, sorta olive toned - People always ask if he is mixed with something, and when I say no, they look at me like they dont believe me.
I have no idea where his skin tone came from, its kinda weird!

This reminds me of a story my SIL told me. A co-worker had knew some people from Church. Woman gives birth to a child, her DH is set to leave her because the child is too dark to be his. DH mother is informed about the impending break up and comes clean that his great-grandfather was Black:yikes:

[Larrysgirl]

I love the shirts.

:)

[laohaire]

Just sharing a story as someone who has asked that question - not to make a point (not trying to say that it's not insensitive, annoying, and all that!!!) but just as a hopefully interesting story.

I was at Home Depot with DH and I was carrying DD (2.5yo) and we were selecting floor tiles. Very near where we were shopping were two strollers with two children, one about 2 years and the other about 4 years old. DD was looking at them with interest so I smiled and waved and said "hi" to them. They both stared at us but neither gave any sort of response. They seemed shell-shocked or something, and I felt there was something wrong (that they were maybe autistic, abused or neglected).

Just then I noticed that one of the strollers was a double stroller, and there was apparently a baby in the back that I couldn't see because a blanket was covering it entirely. The baby was moving hands and feet trying to get the blanket off, but it wasn't going anywhere. The baby was also crying.

I had already noticed the lack of any attentive parents but started looking around more because of this issue. I wanted to just move the darn blanket but I know a mama bear could rip me to shreds if I chanced that. There was only one possibility - a man and a women who were halfway down the aisle (Home Depot has looong aisle, remember). I had been watching them for some time, figuring they must be the parents, but over time deciding they in fact were not. The strollers were turned away from them, and not once in a period of a few minutes did either of them even glance back at the children, even as they moved further away from them, and even as DH and I approached the children somewhat. I can't imagine any parents with no radar regarding strangers approaching their children. But the baby was struggling, so I called out the dreaded question: "Excuse me, are these your children?"

I wasn't expecting an overly pleasant response, but I was kind of shocked at what I got - the woman got In. My. Face. and started saying "Is there a problem? Is there a problem?" over and over again. I was taken aback but managed to say "There's a blanket over your baby's head." She went over, ripped the blanket off, and -- argh -- the baby was AA (the other two children, and the man and the woman, were all white).

DH said later that the man that was with her somehow managed a few words while I was dealing with the woman. Apparently all the kids were foster kids and she was tired of comments about the baby being AA.

It totally sucked that I played right into that tiring situation... when I didn't even know there was a racial component! LOL.

I sure hope those kids are ok though...

[Marilde]

When I was a baby and as a young child, there was a big facination with me among the neighbors, Why? Because I was a blonde, blue eyed and freckled kid, and my mom is brunette with dark eyes, hair and skin. But I don't now maybe in the 70's they where very few "blonde" Mexicans, which i don't think they where becuase for some people here, blonde features are for the rich or foreigners, and seriously I'm Mexican and people didn't believed me and my "weird surnames" didn't helped either.We went monthly to the US, and people there thought I was American until I opened my mouth.

My blonde haired disappeared as well as my eyes, I have dark brown hair, hazel eyes, and very pale skin with freckles. My DH is white, with blonde hair and darker green eyes.
Now, DD1 is blonde with green eyes, and when I used to take her to the park or just somewhere out, people used to ask me if she was mine by saying "She's very blonde and you're not" and I was mostly like "So?", seriously DD1 looks a lot like me, she's my spitting image and especially now that she's older, but well people still think she's not my daughter or also becuase of the fact that I look younger than 33 and she 14, so get the picture.

But the winner is with my youngest, she's redheaded and people think she's not mine or that she got it from DH, and she's redheaded becuase my grandma and greatgrandma where redheadeds, she got it from my side of the family not his, and it bugs me.
But, lol we have the 3 main hair colors in our family, DD1 is blonde, DS has brown hair, the twins have lighter blonde hair than DD1 and the baby is redheaded:love But also, that seems to be a problem for some people think that my DD's are not mine.

[Teenytoona]

Just sharing a story as someone who has asked that question - not to make a point (not trying to say that it's not insensitive, annoying, and all that!!!) but just as a hopefully interesting story.

I was at Home Depot with DH and I was carrying DD (2.5yo) and we were selecting floor tiles. Very near where we were shopping were two strollers with two children, one about 2 years and the other about 4 years old. DD was looking at them with interest so I smiled and waved and said "hi" to them. They both stared at us but neither gave any sort of response. They seemed shell-shocked or something, and I felt there was something wrong (that they were maybe autistic, abused or neglected).

Just then I noticed that one of the strollers was a double stroller, and there was apparently a baby in the back that I couldn't see because a blanket was covering it entirely. The baby was moving hands and feet trying to get the blanket off, but it wasn't going anywhere. The baby was also crying.

I had already noticed the lack of any attentive parents but started looking around more because of this issue. I wanted to just move the darn blanket but I know a mama bear could rip me to shreds if I chanced that. There was only one possibility - a man and a women who were halfway down the aisle (Home Depot has looong aisle, remember). I had been watching them for some time, figuring they must be the parents, but over time deciding they in fact were not. The strollers were turned away from them, and not once in a period of a few minutes did either of them even glance back at the children, even as they moved further away from them, and even as DH and I approached the children somewhat. I can't imagine any parents with no radar regarding strangers approaching their children. But the baby was struggling, so I called out the dreaded question: "Excuse me, are these your children?"

I wasn't expecting an overly pleasant response, but I was kind of shocked at what I got - the woman got In. My. Face. and started saying "Is there a problem? Is there a problem?" over and over again. I was taken aback but managed to say "There's a blanket over your baby's head." She went over, ripped the blanket off, and -- argh -- the baby was AA (the other two children, and the man and the woman, were all white).

DH said later that the man that was with her somehow managed a few words while I was dealing with the woman. Apparently all the kids were foster kids and she was tired of comments about the baby being AA.

It totally sucked that I played right into that tiring situation... when I didn't even know there was a racial component! LOL.

I sure hope those kids are ok though...

:( That poor little one. Who cares about the comments, care about the kid!

[Collinsky]

When I was a baby and as a young child, there was a big facination with me among the neighbors, Why? Because I was a blonde, blue eyed and freckled kid, and my mom is brunette with dark eyes, hair and skin.

MIL says that Dh (he's PR) was quite blonde as a child, and he remembers getting lots of attention because of his light green eyes. His eyes are still green, but his hair is very dark now. Our children all have light hair, but it seems that as they get older it will get a lot darker.

[olliepop]

"You have got to be the babysitter!"

That's what I heard yesterday as I sat w/my two children (4 and 18 months). I said, "Nope, I'm the mama." I wasn't offended, nor did I have any reason to be b/c the woman went on to say, "You look so young!" :D

That could have been a quick save on her part, but I took the compliment anyway. :joy:

[mercyrus]

People think that I'm my son's babysitter/nanny or just a friend of the family. I am bi-racial (Black and Japanese) and my husband is Irish/German. So, my little one is more fair skinned than I am.
Here's the annoying part, sometimes I think people think that he's beautiful because he didn't turn out as dark as me - which is completely messed up.
But, I know my child is beautiful, so that's all that counts.
People are just SOOOO STUPID sometimes.

[JacquelineR]

I need to say something.
I am sometimes one of those who approaches a mom with obviously biracial kids. Usually only if they're nearby: in line at the store, we're both checking out toys, whatever. I will ask "Are those your kids?" because I want to tell her they're "beautiful".
For me, it's not just about their appearance though. It might sound ridiculous, but I'm so happy to see our society getting to a point where "inter-racial" couples *are* acceptable. Bi-racial children are beautiful to me because they are *proof* that our society is changing. It's beautiful to see children of two ethnic origins because they are our next generation. They and their friends will grow up knowing it's normal and okay to love someone who isn't the same ethnicity you are. Or, at the very least, we are one step closer to being to that point. :love

[mercyrus]

When you're bi-racial and you hear someone ask "what are you?" or question whether or not that my mother is in fact my mother is annoying and hurtful. None of my caucasian/asian/african american/hispanic friends seemed to ever have that happen to them. When you're little - you don't want to stand out as some sort of anomaly, you just want to be treated like everyone else. I guess that's why I feel that some people only think he's beautiful because he's not as dark as I am. When I was little, I felt the same way...that people were pleased with the fact that I wasn't as dark as my father. Whether it's true or not, who knows.
So, when I'm asked the same questions that my mother was asked it just sends me over the edge ... I mean, the kid looks like me, he's just more fair with slightly reddish hair. I know that he's going to have to respond to the same types of questions, endure the same stares. I birthed this beautiful little boy, I feel that I should be given full Mommy credit.

[JacquelineR]

When you're bi-racial and you hear someone ask "what are you?" or question whether or not that my mother is in fact my mother is annoying and hurtful. None of my caucasian/asian/african american/hispanic friends seemed to ever have that happen to them. When you're little - you don't want to stand out as some sort of anomaly, you just want to be treated like everyone else. I guess that's why I feel that some people only think he's beautiful because he's not as dark as I am. When I was little, I felt the same way...that people were pleased with the fact that I wasn't as dark as my father. Whether it's true or not, who knows.
So, when I'm asked the same questions that my mother was asked it just sends me over the edge ... I mean, the kid looks like me, he's just more fair with slightly reddish hair. I know that he's going to have to respond to the same types of questions, endure the same stares. I birthed this beautiful little boy, I feel that I should be given full Mommy credit.

Sorry, but firstly I *am* bi-racial. As for the "what are you?" question, that's something I struggle with in my own head on a daily basis (see my thread on "white" Natives) even without others questioning it.
If you sit my mom and I beside each other, I look exactly like her, only "white" skinned, blue/green eyed, blonde haired and taller. My features are hers. It didn't stop a security officer from accusing her of kidnapping me and it didn't stop the border officials from phoning my father if/when she tried to cross the border with me to confirm she *was* my mom.
The only reason I ask "Are those your kids?" is because I was in the embarrassing situation once where I didn't ask and said "Your kids are beautiful" to the woman pushing the cart (both she and the children were "white" for whatever that matters) and she *freaked out* about the fact that they weren't hers. I'm sorry, but I don't just ask that question about bi-racial children nor just comment on bi-racial kids being beautiful or cute- I do it to just about every kid I see that's cute or beautiful in my mind. I might do it a little more often with multi-racial kids because of my mind-set from above. It probably doesn't help that I always wonder (when the kid is from a "black"/white union) what my cousins would have looked like if my aunt had been able to have any instead of being forced to have an abortion at 17 because her boyfriend (my uncle) was "black".

[Minxie]

When you're bi-racial and you hear someone ask "what are you?" or question whether or not that my mother is in fact my mother is annoying and hurtful. None of my caucasian/asian/african american/hispanic friends seemed to ever have that happen to them.

FWIW, I am white and was asked this very question a few years ago by a young lady of biracial heritage. I was offended by the question and she couldn't understand why I was offended by her "curiousity". As I explained to her, it's just rude to ask people that.


My son is biracial and I have been asked:

"Is he mixed?" and "What is he mixed with?"

I was so offended the first time it happened (at the airport, black female security officer) that I simply answered yes. The second time, I also just answered yes. By the third time, I was ready!

"Nope, he's not a smoothie..."

It set the young woman back (Baskin Robbins, young white counterperson) so that she then explained, "My boyfriend is black and I was wondering what our kids are going to look like." :eyesroll

Still, odd experiences for me and quite offensive as I was brought up that it is rude to ask someone about their cultural heritage. I've never been mistaken for the nanny but that's partly because he favors me in coloring and partly because he yells, "Mama, my mama's here!" :joy:

Minxie

[JacquelineR]

You're right, it IS rude to ask "What are you?" or "Is/are he/she/you "mixed"?". I honestly was *not* trying to defend that question whatsoever and if it came across that way, I didn't mean for it to do.
All I was saying is that for myself, it's a question I struggle with often with my background and looking like one ethnic group though raised in another and I can't imagine being able to answer someone even if they did ask.

I have asked people about their cultural heritage- ie Are you Native?- usually because I'm looking for a particular item which that ethnic group is more likely to know where to find and/or how to acquire and, having moved across the continent, I don't have the ties to this community required yet to be able to find them myself nor do I know where to get them.
Of course, any reason I have isn't going to be "good enough", so I guess I might as well just say "Well, I'm just rude." :shrug

[Collinsky]

I've asked the heritage of my friends, and boyfriends. White or otherwise. But I would never ask something so personal and potentially loaded of a stranger or even casual acquaintance unless for some reason it came up in conversation.

Except I did approach a woman in Toys R Us to ask if that was her daughter - she was a white woman with an Asian baby, and we have been thinking of international adoption for some time... I apologized (probably profusely, knowing me) and acknowledged that it might be too personal, and explained why I asked. She was very sweet and talked to me for a while about the process. It took a lot for me to even talk to her, I'd have been crushed if she'd been offended or laid into me.

I wonder if that bothered her, but she was just too nice to let on? :o I do hope not.

[JacquelineR]

I guess I just don't see it as being a "loaded" question. It's just a part of who each of us is, right? Why should it be a big deal?
Maybe it would be more of a big deal to me if I were more "visibly" a minority? Of course, I kind of get offended that people assume I'm "white" because I look the way I do, so... :shrug

[olliepop]

I would just rather people skip the asking if they are mine part and just get right to the compliment! :D If you're the mom or the aunt or the caregiver, there should be no offense to "Your children are beautiful." If they are with you in the store or at the park, they are YOURS, at least for the moment. No one needs to know the family history to pay a compliment.


The only reason I ask "Are those your kids?" is because I was in the embarrassing situation once where I didn't ask and said "Your kids are beautiful" to the woman pushing the cart (both she and the children were "white" for whatever that matters) and she *freaked out* about the fact that they weren't hers.


For that woman to freak out is ridiculous. I'm sure not all caregivers (or whatever she was to those children) would react that way.

[olliepop]

I guess that's why I feel that some people only think he's beautiful because he's not as dark as I am. When I was little, I felt the same way...that people were pleased with the fact that I wasn't as dark as my father. Whether it's true or not, who knows.


My sister is the opposite. I think she wishes that my children were darker, like me, but not in a good way. She'll say that my children are cute but it's only b/c of my DH's white genes. Their hair wouldn't be as "nice" and that their skin wouldn't be as light, etc.

She has always had issues w/me marrying my DH but my relationship with her took a turn for the worst after we had children. It's almost like she's jealous of our children. It's very strange. She's never been comfortable in her own skin and although we are the same complexion (both dark skinned), I have.

She has always compared herself to black people w/lighter skin and comments about how lucky they are to have lighter skin and longer hair, but then turned around and hated them b/c of it. "She thinks she's cute b/c she's light skinned." So when my children were born, it's almost as if she took it as a slap in the face.

She also treated my children differently than our nieces and nephews. She felt that my children have the advantage b/c of their heritage and would go out of her way to do extra things for their cousins b/c of it. The reason I said treated is b/c we no longer have her in our lives. She's way too toxic to have around our children who were becoming old enough to understand some of the ignorance she was sharing.

I hope that made some kind of sense. Maybe I need to start a new thread...

[purplegirl]

My sister is the opposite. I think she wishes that my children were darker, like me, but not in a good way. She'll say that my children are cute but it's only b/c of my DH's white genes. Their hair wouldn't be as "nice" and that their skin wouldn't be as light, etc.

She has always had issues w/me marrying my DH but my relationship with her took a turn for the worst after we had children. It's almost like she's jealous of our children. It's very strange. She's never been comfortable in her own skin and although we are the same complexion (both dark skinned), I have.

She has always compared herself to black people w/lighter skin and comments about how lucky they are to have lighter skin and longer hair, but then turned around and hated them b/c of it. "She thinks she's cute b/c she's light skinned." So when my children were born, it's almost as if she took it as a slap in the face.

She also treated my children differently than our nieces and nephews. She felt that my children have the advantage b/c of their heritage and would go out of her way to do extra things for their cousins b/c of it. The reason I said treated is b/c we no longer have her in our lives. She's way too toxic to have around our children who were becoming old enough to understand some of the ignorance she was sharing.

I hope that made some kind of sense. Maybe I need to start a new thread...

I totally get what you are saying. In psychological terms, it's called projective identification. Colorism has hurt people of color so much, but sadly some of us perpetuate it.
Sounds like you made a good decision to let her go for the sake of your little ones.
:hug

[grumpybear]

Jumping right in...

Haven't read all previous posts but I also wonder why it's offensive or rude to ask about cultural heritage or ethnicity?

I get asked that a lot because people cannot seem to pinpoint. I'm Filipino but have been mistaken for being Japanese, Chinese, Innuit, Native American and even Argentinian. And I'm really not offended. Maybe it's because I am also interested in other cultures so my knee-jerk reaction when I see someone who looks foreign is to ask where they're from.

Or maybe it has cultural underpinnings too because even in the Philippines, when we meet other Filipinos we ask what part of the country they are from because there are sub-cultures in the Philippines too depending on what region one is from.

A lot of people just seem to have a genuine curiosity on where I come from. Of course there are generalizations and stereotypes but it's a chance for me to educate them on what my culture is like. It's not exasperating on my part because most are happy with the learning experience.

So yeah, I guess I am just not understanding why it is offensive to ask about one's ethnicity.

[Barbamama]

Let me try to explain -- with the caveat that this is something that I haven't totally thought through, and I'm writing on the fly. Would welcome others' reactions/input on this complex topic.

I think the "It's rude" reaction (which is what I was taught), comes from a couple of different places. First, that personal matters, including personal appearance, aren't proper subjects for casual chit-chat between strangers (e.g "what's in your purse?" "what size bra do you wear?" "tampon, pad or diva cup?" Would you really ask someone who you just met any of these questions? Even if you were genuinely curious? )

Second, I think that there's the sense/fear that somehow the answer would make a difference to the questioner -- that the person will be categorized, perhaps discriminated against, based on his or her answer. And until recently -- last 30 yrs or so? -- one's answer to that question, at least in the US, could hold legal implications. So, to be color-blind, politically correct, polite, whatever you want to call it, one doesn't ask the question at all.

Also, depending on the person's background, the answer might raise particularly difficult issues. When I tell curious insistent folks that no, I'm "just black," no, not mixed, not bi-racial, "just black" -- I'm giving them the cut and dried answer to a family ethnic history (part of which was lost due to slavery) that is waaaay more complicated than "just black." People who insist that I "must" be mixed with something and press me on the issue are asking questions that I really don't know the answer to, or don't care to discuss. Not nice.

I think that there's also probably a generational component to this too -- that as people's world views broaden, and we learn to celebrate each other's differences rather than use them to pigeonhole, some of the discomfort around discussing racial and ethnic matters will start to subside. Maybe it has already.

But I know that for myself -- a black woman of "certain age" -- I can't help but wonder why the heck it matters when someone asks, "what are you?"

[JacquelineR]

I've created a S/O thread on this topic.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?p=11587886#post11587886

[plenilunio]

When I was a baby and as a young child, there was a big facination with me among the neighbors, Why? Because I was a blonde, blue eyed and freckled kid, and my mom is brunette with dark eyes, hair and skin. But I don't now maybe in the 70's they where very few "blonde" Mexicans, which i don't think they where becuase for some people here, blonde features are for the rich or foreigners, and seriously I'm Mexican and people didn't believed me and my "weird surnames" didn't helped either.We went monthly to the US, and people there thought I was American until I opened my mouth.

My blonde haired disappeared as well as my eyes, I have dark brown hair, hazel eyes, and very pale skin with freckles. My DH is white, with blonde hair and darker green eyes.
Now, DD1 is blonde with green eyes, and when I used to take her to the park or just somewhere out, people used to ask me if she was mine by saying "She's very blonde and you're not" and I was mostly like "So?", seriously DD1 looks a lot like me, she's my spitting image and especially now that she's older, but well people still think she's not my daughter or also becuase of the fact that I look younger than 33 and she 14, so get the picture.

But the winner is with my youngest, she's redheaded and people think she's not mine or that she got it from DH, and she's redheaded becuase my grandma and greatgrandma where redheadeds, she got it from my side of the family not his, and it bugs me.
But, lol we have the 3 main hair colors in our family, DD1 is blonde, DS has brown hair, the twins have lighter blonde hair than DD1 and the baby is redheaded:love But also, that seems to be a problem for some people think that my DD's are not mine.

I hear you, Marilde! I have pale pale skin, freckles, dark brown eyes and dark red hair. Growing up I was the "white" sheep of the family, and although my aunt's hair was lighter even redder than mine, my coloring was constantly being commented upon. My DS is Afro-Brazilian and German-Brazilian on his dad's side and Spanish-Cuban and Irish-Cuban on my side. His dad has dark brown hair, brown eyes and caramel skin. DS came out with his daddy's caramel skin, very dark brown eyes and (for now) very blond hair. I am constantly being asked if DS is mine and where he got his blond hair, especially since there is not one blond in my family; I have even been accused of bleaching it! Go figure..

[Leatherette]

I was not asked if I was my son's nanny. It was assumed. Okay, so I had pink/purple/blue hair, but we are both Caucasian, and he looks just like me.

With my daughter (AA), I am only asked, "Is she yours?" by children (almost always other AA children), and that does not bother me.

If anything, in my very PC area, people assume (or pretend to assume) that I birthed my daughter. She was adopted.

But while the people in my area try to be very PC about issues of race, I found them to be very ageist.

Around here, it is more accepted/encouraged/typical to be a multiracial family than to be a mom under age thirty-five.

I would have gotten my son that shirt back in the day. Now I guess I look old enough to be his mother. Great.

L

[liliesandliars]

People ask me this question all the time about DS. He is biracial, but I don't think that's the reason why they ask. I am quite a young mother. People will ask me if he's mine, and then they'd look at my hand in what they seem to think is a covert manner. :eyesroll I've gotten asked if I am babysitting my nephew or my baby brother.

As for people asking me if he is biracial, yes... it does happen every once in awhile. When my family went to visit the Philippines a couple years back, it was the topic of conversation for every new person my son was introduced to. As for the whole thing about calling biracial children "mixed", I guess it just really doesn't offend me. He IS mixed... it's just a term that people use. It's relatively harmless, it's not like they come out and ask, hey, is your son a half-breed?

[yogafeet]

Just peeking in---

When I was in grad school I was a nanny to a biracial baby girl. I am white. I was carrying her in a sling and as I walked down the street ("gentrified" area of DC) a woman came up to me and said, "she's so beautiful! Where did you get her?"

I explained that I was the nanny... but when she walked away I got pretty sad. This baby's mom was white! I would hate for someone to speak to me about my baby.

Granted this woman was a lesbian and may have been in the market to adopt a child. It was a perfectly honest sounding question. It just made me sad. And the whole idea, of "oooh! that country's babies are really cute, maybe I'll adopt one of THOSE makes me sick to my stomach.

[aloha girl]

imo, it is perfectly ok to ask what ethnicity someone is...I live in Hawaii, and people are always inquiring about that... Almost everyone here is mixed in some way, and people use that as a conversation starter! My son who is white, Japanese, and Indian is often remarked on, and I feel proud rattling of his different ethnicities!:joy:

[Bunnybee]

Just peeking in---

When I was in grad school I was a nanny to a biracial baby girl. I am white. I was carrying her in a sling and as I walked down the street ("gentrified" area of DC) a woman came up to me and said, "she's so beautiful! Where did you get her?"


Hmmm, now I almost wish someone would say that to me so I could say, "from my uterus!" LOL

[JacquelineR]

Hmmm, now I almost wish someone would say that to me so I could say, "from my uterus!" LOL

I actually remember saying "From her womb" and pointing to my mom when people would ask "where I came from". I think I was about 7. My mom would stage-whisper my name in an absolutely horrified tone. :lol

[Swan3]

I actually remember saying "From her womb" and pointing to my mom when people would ask "where I came from". I think I was about 7. My mom would stage-whisper my name in an absolutely horrified tone. :lol

What a beautiful response!

[alllyssa]

When my oldest kids were young, I chalked it up to being young and looking young, but I'm 38 years old now - certainly I look old enough to have a 2.5 year old and a baby! People just don't think before they talk all the time so I'm never all that surprised by what ends up coming out 1/2 the time.:irked:

[CarsonBookworm]

It happened to me more when DD was younger.....now, I am rarely asked that question.

[MadiMamacita]

I guess I just don't see it as being a "loaded" question. It's just a part of who each of us is, right? Why should it be a big deal?
Maybe it would be more of a big deal to me if I were more "visibly" a minority? Of course, I kind of get offended that people assume I'm "white" because I look the way I do, so... :shrug

Just my two cents:
I think that its a big deal to ask someone "where are you from" because that assumes a cultural identity or affiliation that might not exist. Two examples:
1. A family friend (caucasion) adopted a baby girl from china. She only lived in China those first few months of her life, and when she was 3 or 4, and didn't really understand the concept of nationalistic affiliation, people would ask her "where are you from?" She would answer with the name of her midwestern town where she lived. "But where did you come from?" and she'd say "the library" or "the backyard" or wherever she had just been. She was born in China, but is a US citizen and has no affiliation to China other than it happens to be where she was born. The assumption that she must not be "American" is hurtful to her.

2. In college I had a friend who was born and raised in Maryland. Her dad is white-Irish and her mom is Puerto Rican. My friend has light brown skin, lots of freckles, and big curly "ethnic" hair. She speaks spanish, visits her family in Puerto Rico, eats and cooks puerto rican food, and loves her Abuelita, but for all purposes identifies as "American". For her, when people ask her "Where are you from" and "Where did you come from", or other probing questions, she responds "Do you mean why am I brown?" It is loaded because it assumes that if you don't fit a particular physical stereotype, then you must not belong in America.
To me, "American" is a nationality, not an ethnicity, and to assume that if someone is not white, they must not be from America is just not accurate, and can be offensive. Think about kids who live in a setting where their looks make them stick out already, where they might feel like they don't belong. To then question that they "belong" to their parents or their country could be terribly upsetting. This obviously doesn't apply to every person who looks "different" and it probably doesn't bother some people if you ask them questions like that. But I'd rather be safe than sorry when it comes to insulting strangers while making small talk, so I try to just stick to normal, non-personal topics unless they are raised by the other person first. (not trying to attack anyone- just my POV)

I started reading this topic because I am pregnant with my first baby. I am white- dark hair, light complexion, green eyes, but tan pretty easily and people always ask me if I am Italian, Puerto Rican, Argentinian, Spanish, etc. (could be the Cherokee in me) and my husband is Peruvian- he has very Andean features- broad forehead, prominent nose, high cheekbones, dark hair, eyes and skin, and I always wonder what it will be like when I go out in public with the baby- will people assume its not my kid? Can't wait to see what this baby looks like!

[JacquelineR]

To me, "American" is a nationality, not an ethnicity, and to assume that if someone is not white, they must not be from America is just not accurate, and can be offensive. Think about kids who live in a setting where their looks make them stick out already, where they might feel like they don't belong. To then question that they "belong" to their parents or their country could be terribly upsetting. This obviously doesn't apply to every person who looks "different" and it probably doesn't bother some people if you ask them questions like that. But I'd rather be safe than sorry when it comes to insulting strangers while making small talk, so I try to just stick to normal, non-personal topics unless they are raised by the other person first. (not trying to attack anyone- just my POV)

The area of Canada in which I grew up, "white" people were actually in the minority. I realize that might be difficult to believe, but it's true. The majority of people were Aboriginal Americans. I actually always assume that people are from this continent (unless they're rather obviously not, like they have an accent so thick you can barely understand them). It's been questioned all my life if I'm my mother's daughter and if I'm Aboriginal at all. I've had other Aboriginal people tear sacred objects off my person because I "was white and dared to defile their objects". If they had asked me before hand "what are you", I'd have been far less hurt and insulted than them simply tearing MY sacred objects off of me.

[MadiMamacita]

thats an awful experience. I guess I was trying to make the point that people should just avoid making (or at least voicing) assumptions based on appearances (which would include people who made assumptions about you) and just let people be people, independent of race, nationality, etc. - does it really matter who is what?

[JacquelineR]

thats an awful experience. I guess I was trying to make the point that people should just avoid making (or at least voicing) assumptions based on appearances (which would include people who made assumptions about you) and just let people be people, independent of race, nationality, etc. - does it really matter who is what?

I think that voicing the assumptions are important in order to break down cultural misconceptions. I would far rather be insulted once by a stranger and have them learn something from me and take that home to their children than to perpetuate the wall of silence that has overtaken this country regarding racial and cultural identity.
Does it matter who is what? No. But racial and cultural diversity is, imho, one of the most important and wonderful things about our species and our planet. Why can we not all embrace that without becoming pariahs by so doing?
I love the cultures of my ancestors. I love the cultures of your ancestors too, "what"ever and whoever they were. Is it wrong for me to embrace them? Is it wrong for people to be curious about others? Children, in their innocence, ask questions that we, as adults are taught are "taboo" without insulting anyone. Why can it not be assumed that every question is asked with the innocence of a child, simply to gain understanding? It's not. Why? There is so much dissension regarding race, so much pressure and taboo. Unfortunately, it just leads to more fear and misunderstanding which leads to more dissension, pressure and taboo. It's a vicious cycle and it must end somewhere. How is it to end if we do not learn? How are we to learn if we cannot ask?

[yokiwimama]

I really don't understand the hostility about people asking questions like "are they yours?". I never make assumptions about whose child/parent belongs to whom. Of course it partly comes from when I was 20 working in a children's activity centre at our local museum, and I asked the child if they were having a nice day with granddad, to be told coldly by the "elderly" gentleman that he was the father. I was mortified, so from then on I always ask. Especially now i have kids of my own - it's a way of making conversation with other mothers, to make comparisons and to wait for them to ask about by Beautiful Boys.
Don't sweat someone asking if they are yours - answer proudly, so that your kids don't see it as a bad thing.
On the other side (I'm bi-racial) I remember when my sister (who apart from hair and eye colouring is very fair-skinned (white), mother and I met her then sister-in-law to be for the first time and the SIL said in front of mum and I "Is that really your mother?" "Yes" "But she's a Maori?" "Yes" "but..." "Yes?" "nothing". what more needs to be said?

[luciiesmommy]

Interesting thread...

I'm asked too, the weirdest thing is that my daughter is a little clone of me, except that she has lighter hair, but she looks a lot like me. She has my nose, my eye shape, eye color, even the freckles are in the same place and oh let's not forget the ears, she got my big ears too but DD doesnt mind:love
But well, i don't understand why i'm asked if i'm her mom, are people blind or what?

[Swan3]

Today I was asked if I was her babysitter...and haven't heard anything back on the iron tests that were requested citing "how much lighter" DD is than me as one of the reasons!!!!:shake

[Jannah6]

Interesting thread...

I'm asked too, the weirdest thing is that my daughter is a little clone of me, except that she has lighter hair, but she looks a lot like me. She has my nose, my eye shape, eye color, even the freckles are in the same place and oh let's not forget the ears, she got my big ears too but DD doesnt mind:love
But well, i don't understand why i'm asked if i'm her mom, are people blind or what?


Yes, people are blind when it comes to color. So many people say that my DS2 looks like my DH. Uh, no he doesn't:eyesroll. DS looks more like me and my side of the family.

[gerlassie]

I wish I had read this first...I am constantly being asked if I'm the sitter or where are their parents. I now carry a copy of my childrens birth certificates ( my now 3 year old was having a major meltdown in a store and a woman came to "help"me. She was very kind but I later realized that she was trying to keep me there until the police showed up...not to mention that she refused to believe that he was my son. Anyway, the officer believed me and I guess he just didn't feel like getting involved with a toddlers tantrum. At least daily I hear " how many kids do you watch" or my favorite "his mother doens't mind that he calls you mommy?". What's wrong with people...doesn't anyone watch My Name Is Earl?

gerlassie
mommy to my 7 and 3 year old boys and my lovely little 8 month old girl

[Kelldogg]

I would like to add my 2 little stories. First off I am white my fiancee is AA. I have a 6 yr old from a previous realtionship who is white and a 3 month old with my DF who is (obviously) bi-racial. So about 2 yrs ago when my Older son was about 4 he went to the grocery store with DF and shopped. Upon leaving the store there were 2 policemen there to stop them. Someone called 911 to report my son was being kidnapp