What am I to do??

[momoffourtobe]

I recently found out that I am pregnant with our fourth child.This is an unplanned pregnancy-I was on the mini-pill and breastfeeding.
My husband is so not happy about this pregnancy and has asked me to terminate it.I do not feel that I would be able to live with such a decision and when I told him this he has said I am "on my own" if I proceed with this pregnancy.

I am so distressed.Am I being unreasonable? Is he thinking things through?We have three beautiful healthy children who will loose their family life as they know it if I keep this baby.

Has anyone had any kind of experience like this?Please share!!

[Luv2Skydive]

I'd rather be on my own than to be with someone giving me an ultimatum like that about MY body and baby! I'm sorry he has put you in this position when you are also dealing with the surprise of an unplanned pregnancy. I hope after the initial shock wears off he'll come around and accept this fourth miracle for the sake of the other three.

[pauletoy]

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. Lots of hugs.

This is just my personal opinion so take it for what it is worth.

If you are against terminating the pregnancy then don't let him talk you into it. It will only create resentment in you toward him. Now I know others will say he will probably resent you for keeping the baby but I would rather be alone with the baby that I really wanted than to be grieving the loss of a child and a marriage.

Give it a little time before you decide you don't have to make this decision today. He may just be too shocked to accept another baby right now and tomorrow is a new day.

Also, I would run, not walk, run to a marriage counselor.

I am really tired so I am not sure this even makes sense. Please just know that there is someone sending you positive energy.

[Sioko]

If you terminate to "save" your marriage it will lead to regret, guilt, and resentment (on both sides) and the marriage will end anyway. Then like pauletoy said, you will be grieving the loss of BOTH a child and marriage, not to mention the emotional and physical side-effects from termination itself.

I'm not gauranteeing (I cannot spell that word!) anything but a very similar situation (sort of) happened with my brother and his gf (now wife). She purposely stopped taking the pill and didn't tell him until she was pregnant. He was betrayed and angry and said he couldn't be with someone he couldn't trust and demanded she terminate or "it's over". He was 18 at the time and not ready for the responsibility and she was 25 and already had an older DD and saw no prob with it. She had the baby anyway. Well, he couldn't help but love the baby. 5yrs later they are finally married. So their relationship didn't end, it continued to grow.

So what I'm saying is, since you didn't do this on purpose and in secret and are already married and you both are more "mature", you are starting off on even better ground than my SIL. My brother is a real jerk too, so if even he can get over himself and accept the baby and my SIL after what she did, I'm sure your DH will come around too!

You are NOT being unreasonable! You told him you would not be able to live with such a desicion, he is being unreasonable in not respecting your feelings on it and threatening you. I agree about the marriage counseling! I will pray for you and your baby and family and that your DH's heart is opened to his new child!!

[elfinbaby]

I am so sorry that your dh is putting you in this position. I'm due w/#4 next month. It was a very unexpected preg. that I knew dh would not be happy about. He's a reasonable man so he's been doing his best. It's taken time but he's trying. When the baby gets here, of course he'll love him. That's just how it works in my family.

I agree w/the pp that said if you terminate, it will cause so much resentment, guilt, and pain that your marriage will be over anyway. Don't worry about your other kids right now. I'm not sure kids care so much how many siblings they have, lol. Mine don't. I think they'd be happy if I had 12!

Take some time. See a counselor. Let your dh be for awhile. I'd let him know right off that there's no way I'd terminate and I'd like to start looking for a more positive way to deal with the situation. If dh gave me that ultimatum, it'd be over. I'd be scared to death but it would be over (until he came around).

I know dh's stress from another child is different than mine. He's imagining how he's going to provide for another one, how he will never be able to retire, will lose his precious golden years b/c he's still raising kids:eyesroll I'm concerned how this is all going to work out for me but I'm just taking it one day at a time. It is going to be hard but I believe every baby comes to us for a reason so I'm just going to get on with it:)

Take your time. This is hard. Let the dust settle.

[AverysMomma]

I am sorry.....but your husband needs to have his head examined. You guys have a family...what, his children mean nothing to him?? He will leave you and abandon his kids if you keep this baby?? That's a load of bullcrap if you ask me, if he loves his kids at all and is a good father, he is bluffing because he's scared out of his mind and would never leave his kids. If he WOULD leave his kids and abandon you with a new baby....he's not the kind of man you want around anyway, because at some point in the future, something big will come about that he "just can't deal with" that will cause him to leave. If he could leave you over a child you created together unintentionally...there's no telling what other circumstances could arise in the future that would cause him to skip out on you.

All that being said...I'm a hormonal mess right now! It's very possible that I am overreacting. So, I will also say this:

My husband is the greatest guy around and the ONLY guy for me...I love him with all of my heart and I am glad that we are starting a family together. However, one thing about him that I've noticed, and that I think is something a lot of men struggle with, is projecting...he can't see himself living in future events. Any time something is going to happen that is really big, he struggles a lot with anxiety because he can't imagine how it's going to be, he can't see it working out. Like this baby....this baby was not planned and while he is so excited now that she is almost here...in the beginning it was really tough for him to imagine what life was goin to be like with a baby and he was very scared. He just draws a blank when he tries to imagine what a big, new change is going to be like...so, he assumes the worst possible scenario and accepts that as how it's going to be. It creates a very powerless state for him and I often have to talk him through the problem solving...help him to paint a positive vision in his mind of what this big thing is going to be like...then, he gets over it and, nine times out of ten, the positive imagery we've used to help him feel less anxious about the event, turns out to be the reality!

So, maybe your guy is the same. Maybe he is freaking out because he can't imagine another little person running around there...maybe he is one of those people who just have a hard time realisticaly projecting a future event. Maybe he's just flipping out completely, going into "provider emergency mode" because he's worried he won't be ableto support another kid. Marriage counseling would probably be an awesome avenue for you two to explore. If he says no to that...tell him that, essentially, he is making the conscious decision to throw your marriage and family life away. I doubt that is really what he wants.

Good luck to you.....I know that it must be incredibly hard for you to deal with this on top of being shocked about this unplanned pregnancy!

I feel I must also mention....I once was deeply in love with a man who created a little life with me and then, because we were young(19) and he was scared and it was unplanned, said that he would leave me if I didn't terminate. That seems so long ago now....I can't believe that I decided to go ahead and terminate the pregnancy, but that is what I did. I lost a good year of my life to that decision, I completely fell apart and could hardly function...not because of the actual decision, but because I made it due to a stupid man being immature and hurtful. I felt like, because I did it for him and not because it was really what I wanted, I betrayed my baby. It was a nasty feeling.

I resented him so much, I hated him and couldn't even look at him. I know, looking back now, that I can be at peace with the decision I made...because 1. it's made, I couldn't take it back if I wanted to and 2. I can't imagine how hard it would have been to have and raise that baby so young and unsupported...also because my life now is so perfect and I know that THIS is when my family was meant to begin, with this wonderful man, in this wonderful house...I know this was the right path. But there is still a part of me that cannot forgive myself for terminating the pregnancy because of the wish of someone else. I have stopped, for a long while now, beating myself up for that. I learned something valuable and can't make myself feel badly for what I did...I would never let someone make me do that now...but that's because I had that experience and because I'm older and have grown and learned alot.

I believe that every woman has the right to make decisions about her body and future...but I think it is important that you make the decision based on YOUR feelings and instincts....NOT the threats and immaturity of someone else. You have to do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do...I promise you, if you do what someone else wants, instead of what you want...you are inviting heartbreak and regret into your life. YOU follow YOUR heart....and he has to follow his. If they lead you to the same place, you will find peace...if they don't....you will still find peace, just a different sort than you imagined. You can do it, you are strong and brave and you can make it through this.

If I were a betting lady....my money would be on, he's completely flipping out and scared that you guys won't be able to handle another kid. I would be willing to bet, that he is going to be doing a lot of apologizing for saying such cruel things to you....I think this situation needs time, breathing room and possibly a third party consulation (counselor/therapist). Good luck, we're rooting for you.

[JSMa]

I can't beleive his response! OMG! I am so sorry he said those things to you!! :hug

If you feel in your heart that the right thing is to not terminate DON'T!!! I can't imagine how a Father could even think such a thing with three babes already! This just breaks my heart, and I'm weeping for you Mama. :hug


Maybe he just needs some space to think? Maybe he's scared? Are you religious? Do you have a reverend or priest or someone to offer some guidance counseling? I'd seek all avenues to find out what's going on in your DH's head first...

But really, don't terminate just to "save" the marriage. Like PP's said... it wouldn't. :(

I hope you and your DH can find peace in this. :hug

[N8'sMom]

Your husband is being ridiculous! You guys are adults who already
have children. You aren't 14 years old, in high school, and just found
out that her 15 year old boyfriend got her pregnant.

If it were my husband, and that were his response...I'd say....
Ok, I'll take the kids and have the baby and be on my own....WITH your
alimony and child support!

[rachel616]

:hug

My husband is so not happy about this pregnancy and has asked me to terminate it.I do not feel that I would be able to live with such a decision and when I told him this he has said I am "on my own" if I proceed with this pregnancy.

Saying something like "you're on your own" is probably just a (nasty, insensitive) bluff - it's unlikely that a man with three kids already would just up and leave because a fourth is on the way. If he would, then that's really irresponsible and you don't need him anyway, but I doubt it will happen. Half of all pregnancies are accidental - it's not such an unusual thing, as inconvenient and difficult as it may be to deal with. If he was so adamant that you have no more kids, tell him to get a vasectomy to ensure that this fourth will be the last, because birth control does fail sometimes, as it did for you.

I am so distressed.Am I being unreasonable? Is he thinking things through?We have three beautiful healthy children who will loose their family life as they know it if I keep this baby.

No, you absolutely are NOT being unreasonable! It's your body and your pregnancy and he cannot force you to terminate.

I'm a little concerned about your statement that your children will lose their family life... are you referring to the possibility of divorce, or the addition of another sibling? Because a divorce would definitely have an impact on them, but it can be manageable and a lot of children (myself included) had divorced parents. If you're talking about another sibling, then I wouldn't worry. Kids will adjust to having another sibling fairly easily, I would think. Kids are pretty darn resilient in general. I would worry more about keeping your marriage together and stable and not airing your grievances with each other in front of them.

Is he thinking things through? Probably not. Give him some space and some time to digest the news. Like a PP said, he's probably panicking about having another mouth to feed. That's understandable, but a little concerted budgeting and planning will probably help alleviate his financial worries.

You might want to give it a week or so and then try to talk to him again, calmly. Find out exactly what his concerns are and then offer to work together to address those concerns. Remind him that you're a family and you need to work together for everyone's benefit, especially your current children. If he still tries to throw an ultimatum at you, I would demand marriage counseling because it's not acceptable (in my opinion) for a mate to hand down ultimatums when it comes to children and termination. That's just too heavy of a subject to be so unequivocal and stubborn about, and it's YOUR BODY.

I think it can work out, and he'll come to accept the pregnancy. Whatever you do, do NOT terminate unless you personally are 100% on that decision. You should not make that kind of permanent and difficult decision because of pressure from someone else.

Good luck!

[Ninnifer]

i agree this is very unreasonable thing to say. it was a genuine accident, you havent 'tricked' him into it or anything. i also agree with the others when i say that having a termination on his say so will be no good for you personally in the long run. how far pg are you? when did you find out?

xx

[GooeyRN]

Don't let him pressure you. If you want this baby, have the baby. With or without him. But you do get his child support and allimony. :p If he didn't want another, he should have seen to it that you didn't get pregnant. (whether helping you chart, wrapping it up, the big V, etc) It is not YOUR fault. It takes 2 to tango.

If you terminate to make him happy and keep him, your marriage is going to most likely fall apart. How would you not resent him if he muscled you into terminating you baby? How will your children feel about the loss of their sibling if they found out later? Will they feel less loved? What other decisions would he muscle you into? Is that how you want your marriage, do this or that or I will leave? Thats a slippery slope. If you let him muscle you with this decision, what other decisions will he muscle you into?

This is a huge decision that you will have to live with forever. There is no going back. You should not be bullied into it.

:Hug

[LoganBsMom]

Hugs to you! We just found out last week that we are unexpectidly, and unwanted (initially) pregnant. My husband and I were both pretty upset, but after a week are settling in. I don't really know what to say, other than maybe he is just scared? I was terrified and had a few thoughts I would be embarrased to admit now. In the end things always work out. I have to agree with everyone else, if he would truely leave because of this, then he would probably leave for other reasons as well, so terminating would not be a way to save things.

I would definatly remind him that it is not your responsibility alone. He had a part in it as well. You were being as responsible as possible, and it happened anyway. If he wants a more definate and permenant birth control he should make himself an appointmen.

Good luck, and do what is in your heart.

[kittywitty]

I'd rather be on my own than to be with someone giving me an ultimatum like that about MY body and baby! I'm sorry he has put you in this position when you are also dealing with the surprise of an unplanned pregnancy. I hope after the initial shock wears off he'll come around and accept this fourth miracle for the sake of the other three.

I agree. I'm sorry, but any man who does that to you, especially when you are pg with his child is not worth it.

I agree with everyone, especially Averysmomma. You will hate him deeply if you let him do that to you. And maybe even yourself. :Hug

[momoffourtobe]

Hey everyone,thank you all for being such super support and basically re-enforcing what I have felt all along.I have to go with my gut and what will be will be.I hope and pray that this is just emotions and fear kicking in and he will come around,but if not,as sad as it is to say,then its better off this way.

I am 9 weeks on now,only suspected something when I missed two periods as I have not been regular as still feeding my little man on demand.

When I said "the change in my kids family as they know it" I did mean without dad in the picture.I know that they will only be thrilled with another sibling.

My parents have been great pillars of support and insight-with their 4th being unplanned too.As my dad says- the reality is he will have the reponsibility of four kids either way,why walk out on the joy.

Thanks for helping me feel strong and centred!:)

[Ninnifer]

As my dad says- the reality is he will have the reponsibility of four kids either way,why walk out on the joy.



what a fabulous point. :)

have you put your feelings to him? what was the outcome? has his inital shock worn off yet?

[GooeyRN]

the reality is he will have the reponsibility of four kids either way,why walk out on the joy.



That was a great way to put it. I am glad your parents are supportive.

[Collinsky]

I'd rather be on my own than to be with someone giving me an ultimatum like that about MY body and baby! I'm sorry he has put you in this position when you are also dealing with the surprise of an unplanned pregnancy. I hope after the initial shock wears off he'll come around and accept this fourth miracle for the sake of the other three.

I agree.

[thismommy]

Your dad had great advice!


Seriously though, if my dh pulled something like that, I'd tell him "fine...I'll raise this baby and our kids with YOUR money in YOUR house and some other man will probably eventually have the joy of being a daddy to this child". Ugh, I'm really sorry, but I just can't believe he would say that. Maybe he's got some outside pressure or something.

[BlessedOne]

I can remotely say I have been there. First off all of my 4 pgs were unplanned and neither of us were overly thrilled at first. But we are both pro lifers and did not consider terminating any of the babies.....except the first...the thought crossed our minds, but we knew that we could not live with ourselves if we killed our own child....even if we did not want it.
This is how it went with my first......
I was just finishing high school, we were not married and our 'relationship' was horrible. We had been together on and off for a couple of years and he just kept ripping my heart out (he is 6 years older than me). We were not even dating when I told him the news. Just the week before I heard him telling his friend that he did not want kids.....especially with me. And this is basically the same time I just found I am pg with HIS kid. So I tell him the next week and he is devasted and does not want to have the kid. He jumped into a state of denial..........not even admitting I was pg. Once it became obvious that I was pg...he did not stick around. He would not talk to me or see me. This went on until I was 7months pg. I was at this alone because my parents did not know about the pg until I was 6 months. I told one "friend" and told her not to tell anyone......but she broke that committment and told a bunch of people at our work. Needless to say we have not been friends since. With that friend pulling that stunt, I refused to tell my other friends that lived around me.The only ones I told were two that lived out of state (which was the only reason why I told them..plus one had been through simular ordeals.) The other was a guy friend that was willng to step up to bat to be the baby's daddy if the actual father would not. But he was states away and in the coast guard....so he would not be around much. So I kind of built a resentment towards the child, but at the same time, she was all I had. No family support, only two friends to talk to who were states away. It was such a horrible time. But thankfully the babies daddy came around. We ended up getting married and have been happily married since.

I tell all of that to say, that even when something seems soooooooo horrible and like it can not get any better, it really can get better.

Throughout our marriage, all the rest of our kids were unplanned and closer than we would have liked.......but everything has worked out great. By the grace of God, my hubby supports all of us on his one income and we are never hurting and still get to have fun! It really is amazing!

I personally would not terminate your pg just to keep your marriage together.....
So do you even think he would really leave you if you did not termintate? Chances are IF HE REALLY DOES LOVE YOU then he would not leave you over something like that....he is probably just threatening. If he is threatening things like that and is serious....then I think the problem is deeper than he would admit. But I would guess that he is just talking out of emotion. And if he is not and he is giving you threats like that.....then to me he is not worth keeping. We are talking about the life of YOUR child here!

Also I would go as far to say that your family will not be ruined if you keep this child. I have had simular feelings when finding out about our unplanned pgs. At first I would feel like our family was being bombarded by some stranger. Thankfully I eventually got over that.

I would say keep your baby and if he leaves, then he is not worthing keeping. And if he sticks around...then you have the best of both worlds. Chances are his feelings will change for the better.

*hugs*

P.S. I have had several friends and family members that have had abortions and the emotional baggage and problems that it brought them was not worth it.

[scarlett8808]

I definitely agree with what just about everyone else has said - definitely don't terminate just for him. I'm 27 weeks pregnant with my first, completely unplanned, and my ex hasn't spoken to me in over 10 weeks (he even requested that I not tell him the sex of the baby when I found out, so I didn't - he just now found out that it's a girl, because one of his friends slipped and told him, says his sister). He tried to pull that on me - "If you want any sort of future with me, you'll terminate this pregnancy. We could always try later, if things work out between us, when we're in a better situation." As soon as I told him no, I refused to terminate, he got huffy and insulted me every which way he could.

It basically came down to me asking him "why would I want a potential future with someone who made me abort my baby?"

I'm glad you've decided to keep the pregnancy and not terminate for him. He can choose to handle it or not - either way, you have to be able to live with the decision you make. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself and your baby. :)

[happyme226]

My personal beliefs aside; You should Not even consider abortion if that was not what you two previously agreed to as a way to handle an unplanned pregnancy, when discussing your family size.

Also, I do not think that an unplanned pregnancy alone would cause an other wise happy husband and father to abandon his family. If what he said was not just because of shock and worry (about your health, money, extra stress), I would think that he is having some personal problems or that there may be some issues within the marriage.


I really hope everything will work out for you guys.

[Breeder]

Just read the OP but:

No matter what you would NOT be "on your own", regardless if the pregnancy was planned or not your H would still be financially responsible for all his kids even this last one.

I think you need to have a serious talk. His response is inexcusable.

[coyotemist]

This baby (our 3rd) is completely unplanned as well. I'm unable to use birth control (list the device/drug and I'll tell you why I can't have it!). A year ago when we got insurance (and a year after a severe bout of PID in the hospita) I gave hubby the number of a urologist to go get a vasectomy, as he always promised he would do.

Well, obviously he didn't really mean it or something! :) He freaked out when I gave him the number and refused to call. I reminded him that we were currently using natural family planning and I don't have the most reliable of cycles...Still the answer was no.

Fast forward to March. My period was due in a week, we should have been in the safe zone. We went out on a date, grandparents had the kids, stuff happened! ;) We should have been safe. We weren't. My period was late. I went into the doc for my pap, she looked at me sideways, and I said, oh, well my cycle is sometimes irregular, no biggie. 4 days later, still no period. On the 23rd I tested, 15 days after our date (the only time it could have happened). Positive. Um, this has got to be a joke. Next day, tested again. Positive. Are you crazy??? I called the doc, she ordered an ultrasound. They saw nothing but a cyst, and the radiologist told me it was ectopic. Fear to joy and back to fear again. I sat down and talked to hubby that I was pregnant, but they had to do surgery. They got me into an OB to schedule surgery, and lo and behold there was a sack in the right place. Just as we were were getting used to the idea of surgery.

The doc offered me termination. And I considered it. However, we've been married 10 years, and termination just isn't an option for me. Hubby was upset and worried and scared. He has cancer, you see, and he didn't want any more kids because he's afraid to leave me with more kids to care for. So he didn't talk to me for days, he was not quite angry, just stunned and shocked, and thought it would be better for all if termination was the choice I made. Not better for me, not better for my mental status.

I'm 11 weeks today. In the last week or 2 he's started teasing me that I'm waddling already, and calling me "preggo". It's his way of acknowledging the baby, accepting it, and more, accepting my choice to keep this new little surprise. I tease him that its my 10th anniversary present. The best present anyone could give me. I wouldn't have had this 3rd baby any other way.

My mom who reacted so badly over the announcement of my son, actually has been amazingly supportive. She said her dad got a vasectomy and she should never have been here, and sometimes there is a plan beyond us.

So whether your guy comes around, or disappears, do what's in your heart. If he's the right guy he'll come around, and realize that the things he said were just in the moment of fear. Remember it's the man's "job" in his mind and heart to care for his family. His own insecurities come out at times of surprise, especially if he's a planner! We'd all like the guys to react like a home pregnancy test commercial, or one of those diamond commercials. However, people aren't really like that, and it's normal to have doubts and fears. Try to give him some loving time to come to terms with this, let him know he can trust you to support him while he's there supporting you.

Hugs to you and best of luck with this new little one!