Anybody Have a Partner Who Doesn't Want to Speak Their Native Language to Your Kids

[umsami]

DH is Egyptian, yet he barely speaks any Arabic to our kids. It really frustrates me because I see as time goes on, they're losing the potential for ever being fluent. He says he feels weird speaking Arabic to them, when I don't understand it. I've told him, I don't care... but still he doesn't speak it very much. Although they do know when they're in trouble in Arabic. :lol

Any tips on how to overcome this?? The kids are 4-1/2, 2-1/2, and 10 months and I worry especially that the older one is getting too old to pick any Arabic up. The eldest knows a bit, and goes to Arabic class twice per week (I take him)... but it's very basic.

[Flor]

My dad is a native Spanish speaker and my mom is monolingual English speaking. My dad didn't teach us Spanish. I ALWAYS wished that I had been given that gift! Instead I got to be the Latina in Spanish 1, Spanish surname not helping me with my struggle to learn Spanish. It makes me feel like an idiot to see white Americans speak Spanish better than me! It feels like my birthright! It was embarassing to have people approach me in Mexico expecting me to be fluent. I took classes all through highschool and college, have a minor in it, moved to Mexico for a while and attended a university, but I STILL struggle with it. Being from a mixed household, I think it would have given me a better connection to my Mexican heritage and family. So, I don't really have advice on how to get your husband to start, but I have friends in your situation, too, where the husband is only speaking to the child in English. I don't know why.

[eepster]

I couldn't get DH to do Chinese with DS.:(

[grumpybear]

Hi,
I'm actually the spouse who doesn't speak my native language to our son.
It really is harder than I thought it would be.
It's hard to switch from one language to another in the house. If I have to speak in English when talking to my husband and then speak Tagalog when talking to my son, it'll drive me nuts. And I have tried. I end up botching both languages and forgetting words.
Another thing is that most of our friends are American so I speak English ALL THE TIME and my tongue gets used to the softness when speaking American English. Tagalog requires a much harder tongue so the switch isn't as easy. Pretty much like muscle memory.
And yes, it feels awkward talking to our son in a language that his Dad cannot understand. I really feel rude doing it. Even if my DH won't mind, it still feels rude to me so that's something I need to get over.
What we have come up with is for my husband to learn Tagalog via Rosetta Stone so that he can understand the basics while I try harder to impart my language with our son.

[Alcyone]

Do you have the opportunity to study Arabic yourself? Maybe your DH would feel better if you were learning it as well and it wasn't such a "secret" language between him and the children. When I lived in the States, I can remember seeing quite a few books, tapes, videos, etc. for Egyptian Arabic as well as MSA when at bookstores.

[DariusMom]

This is happening with my niece. My BIL has the same experience as grumpybear. He left China when he was 7. he grew up speaking mandarin with his parents, but they are the only people to whom he speaks the language, other than the random relative in China who calls. The rest of his life is in English. So it's very hard for him to switch. Further adding to the problem is that he doesn't read the Chinese characters. His family left right at the age when he'd have started learning them. Then they got caught up in building their new life in America, in having BIL learn English, etc. I think it would help him if he could read to Dear Niece in Mandarin.

Anyway, no advice, but it bugs my sister no end.

[lisac77]

DH won't speak Farsi to DS. I don't know why... I've reiterated with him time and again that DS will lose the chance to be a native Farsi speaker unless DH speaks to him. He just won't do it.

My dad speaks French to DS, and DS is learning a ton of French, even though he only sees my dad a few hours a week. Every little bit helps... if only I could get DH on board.

[menudo]

Flor-my 11yo DD is feeling the same way and 6yo DS is getting annoyed. When she was born we lived in a multilingual community-primarily Spanish and English. You had to know some Spanish to get by. When she was 2 we moved to mainly English suburbs and DH stopped speaking Spanish due to his own issues. We fought about this alot-I gave up. He feels it won't help them but may HARM them!! :irked:

So here are my kids with Spanish surnames clueless in Spanish class-adding to the fact everyone seems to question their ethnicity and race already. They have friends who speak Spanish and Arabic and feel so left out.

[lajn]

I tried everything to get DH to speak Hungarian to the kids when they were young, but now that the oldest two are 7 and 5, and the little 1 1/2, I've given up.

I really don't understand why his kids learning his native tongue is not important to him. We have visited his parents in Hungary numerous times, and it breaks my heart that the grandchildren and grandparents can't really talk to each other.

My daughter started grade one at a French immersion school in September, and I can't believe how well she is speaking already. What a shame it isn't her third language.

[cappuccinosmom]

Yup. :(

My dh is fluent in 5 languages but only speaks English now. I think it's probably because it's just too hard for him to switch back and forth--he worked so hard on his English and hates making mistakes, and because his language (Amharic) reverses sentence structure and has other gramatical differences, whenever he spends any time speaking Amharic, he has to struggle a bit when he switches to English.

I am going to find an Amharic learning curriculum for the children so they can at least get a taste of it, and hopefully we will move back to Ethiopia before they lose the ease of language learning they have for the next few years.

[Kitsune6]

My DH says he feels weird speaking Japanese to the kids. He gets really frustrated when he tries to teach them words and they don't get it right away. :eyesroll

[CharlieBrown]

Yes! :irked:

[sunnmama]

Yes. My dh speaks greek, but doesn't speak greek to our children. We don't live close to his family, so they are not exposed to the language through their grandparents either. My children are the only cousins who don't know any greek :(

But, I recently read (on MDC somewhere) that it actually is not true that it is easier for young children to learn second languages than older children/adults. It is easier to learn in immersion, but not necessarily within a specific window. I teach ESL, so I know that adults can become fluent in second languages. Our children can learn the languages of their culture when they are ready, if they choose. The biggest difference is that they won't have a natural accent.

[kirstenb]

Yes. DH always says he wants DS to speak Spanish, but he never seems to remember to speak to him in Spanish. We live far from his family and only see them twice a year, so DS doesn't hear it from anyone else. I sometimes find myself speaking more Spanish phrases than DH! Our four year old niece lives with my MIL (who speaks only Spanish) and she is almost fluent. It makes me sad that DS might not have that same chance.

[Mommy2Amira]

I struggle with this too. It really is hard to switch once you exclusively start thinking in one language.

[Oka-san]

Wow, this thread is interesting, because DH is the same way. It was our original plan that we’d do the “one parent one language” thing, but instead of speaking Japanese to DD he uses English all the time.

grumpybear, I appreciate reading your perspective as a native speaker of Tagalog. DH and I have never discussed this in depth (it’s a very sensitive subject for him) but I’ve come to believe that this is the case with him, too. He speaks English all day long with practically everyone, including me, and it seems too hard for him to switch to Japanese with DD now. Especially since she doesn’t understand him when he does.

I’m not going to push him, as he’s sensitive about it and we’ve had little arguments about the topic before. But I do feel bad about it and I’m not sure what to do.

[ewe+lamb]

DH speaks lots of languages but really only speaks english with the kids which REALLY gets to me as it was absolutely his choice to come to france, we now how problems with my dd in french school, but he also speaks berber and arabic which he refuses to speak to the kids saying there's no point, but I think it's got more to do with his personal family experience and then after 9/11 things didn't get any better i.e. people's opinions of Algerians which they weren't afraid to tell him about - he was regularly accused of being a terrorist because of his country of origin. We met in Italy so we do introduce a smattering of Italian which the kids enjoy learning but the non-communication of other languages really bugs me.

[Mali]

Wow, it was good to come upon this thread. My husband rarely speaks Thai to our girls and I am always harping on him to speak with them more while they are young. DD #1 lived in Thailand until she was 1 1/2 but has forgotten most of it. We were back in Thailand for 2 months over the winter staying with my in-laws there who speak no English and it was really hard as they couldn't really communicate with DD #1. The visit has helped a little with DH using more Thai at home but he still mainly uses English. At this point the girls learn more Thai from me than DH so they'll learn the words but not the accent since I wil never be able to get the tones right! Great thread though, thanks!

[webjefita]

I guess from reading here and what I've seen this is a common problem.

It sounds like there are a lot of reasons why it is difficult and uncomfortable for the parents to speak the other language. Of course it is frustrating for us if our children are not picking it up like we think they could, but I think it is unrealistic and unfair to expect our partners to just change, too.

My husband actually does usually speak Spanish to our children, so I am thankful. But still, they only use it with him, sometimes with me, and I still worry that they will not be fluent.

I am constantly trying to tell him we should join a Spanish speaking church, a Latin American group, anything. He is not very social so it's just been a round and round never-ending plea for years.

I think I will finally have to take it upon myself to join a group and do the things I feel would be best for them. I'm sure my DH would come along.

What do you all think? Have you already tried to find other speakers of the language without needing your partner's participation? I guess it would be harder if you don't speak the language. What ideas do you have for finding those opportunities?

Children's videos and programming
Books on tape
Library story times
Special schools and classes
Playgroups
Churches
Associations (our city has a Peruvian Association that we've never contacted)
etc... ?

[webjefita]

Also I wanted to add my experience. I spoke to my first in English (my native language) for his first year and then decided we should both speak to him in Spanish (my 2nd language-fluent). It was hard to switch, but once I had made the decision and stuck to it, it became easier and easier.

Now I have decided to switch back to English, and again it was very uncomfortable at first--not only making the switch, and remembering to do it, but taking into account my feelings about them having Spanish as their native language and feeling like they might be losing something.

Anyway, I just thought this perspective might help some of the other parents. They should know, yes it is very hard when you start, the children won't understand you, you'll feel uncomfortable, but it gets easier every day. I also taught immersion Spanish Kindergarten to English-only students so I know what it feels like to have kids looking at you with a blank face. It will be easier to make the switch than you might think. It helps if you think of it as the way you speak to a baby--of course, they don't understand you word for word but they learn through context, repetition, nonverbal clues, etc.

As for the other parent not understanding the language, it could become a special thing for the children and one parent. It might help to introduce a very structured daily ritual--not formal lessons, but just a *special* time with mom/dad where they use the other language in a very natural way. Bedtime stories could be only in the 2nd language, for example. Or, weekend mornings out to a restaurant where the language is spoken. The English-dominant parent can stay home and take a break and not feel left out :) This kind of structure might help some parents who find it hard to make the switch--they could find it easier to organize their brains into using the language in a limited situation with certain activities, where the vocabulary would come more easily.

[umsami]

As for the other parent not understanding the language, it could become a special thing for the children and one parent. It might help to introduce a very structured daily ritual--not formal lessons, but just a *special* time with mom/dad where they use the other language in a very natural way. Bedtime stories could be only in the 2nd language, for example. Or, weekend mornings out to a restaurant where the language is spoken. The English-dominant parent can stay home and take a break and not feel left out :) This kind of structure might help some parents who find it hard to make the switch--they could find it easier to organize their brains into using the language in a limited situation with certain activities, where the vocabulary would come more easily.

webjefita...I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experience and these ideas. DS1 is really into "secrets" and such... so I think if I told him that Arabic was his and his Baba's (Daddy in Arabic) secret language, he may find it very cool.

[bri276]

I really wish my father had. He was born in Italy, and my grandparents never became really good to hold a conversation with in English. When I went back to meet the rest of the family, I couldn't talk to them.

My mother used to beg him to speak Italian to us. His excuse was that it was a local dialect that would be useless in Rome or elsewhere. Who cares? it would have made a huge difference in the relationship with my dad's side of the family, and enriched us in other ways. I wish sometimes that I could speak Italian to my dad or sister on the phone or in secret when I didn't want others to understand us. I could cry thinking about it. He was a poor immigrant as a child, and I think the trauma from that made him hate his heritage and try to get away from it.

:( Please do everything in your power to change his mind. even if it's just words and phrases rather than 100% fluency. There's nothing to lose, and so much to gain...

[girlstar808]

I don't post much :o , but this thread caught my attention.

I am the one teaching my children languages (I grew up in Hawaii) because my husband only speaks English. I am teaching my kids 3 languages and yes, it is a challenge, but my feeling is that even a little exposure is advantageous.

I speak to them in a different language per day. I also teach them more Hawaiian thru music, song, and dance. I noticed they are picking it up more when it is fun rather than a chore.

I would take the bull by the horns and learn the language together with your children if you have to. If that's the only way, then I would encourage it.

There's nothing to lose, and so much to gain...

:thumb

[kirstenb]

What do you all think? Have you already tried to find other speakers of the language without needing your partner's participation? I guess it would be harder if you don't speak the language. What ideas do you have for finding those opportunities?

Children's videos and programming
Books on tape
Library story times
Special schools and classes
Playgroups
Churches
Associations (our city has a Peruvian Association that we've never contacted)
etc... ?

I have started to look into this already as well. We are lucky that we live in Southern CA where it's not uncommon to hear more Spanish than English at times! We go to a Spanish and bilingual church and shop often at Hispanic markets and stores. DS has no interest in videos yet but in the next year or so I imagine we will start looking into them. We have a number of Hispanic friends as well that we try to speak at least some Spanish with them. I have bought him a number of Spanish books that I read him as well.

[SaraFR]

webjefita-I like your suggestions. Thank you.

Dh is so used to speaking English that it's hard for him to remember to speak to me and everyone else in English but then switch to Russian for the kids. I originally wanted DH to speak to them in Russian and I would teach them English. Also, Dh would rather they learn what they'll need more so he would rather they focus on Yiddish and Hebrew (but I can't guarantee they will become fluent in either).

[lisap]

I thought I was the only one who had this issue. My DH speaks Hindi and Gujrati, but will not teach the children. His mom tries, but the kids are cluless as we don't see them often enough. He dosen't understand how wonderful it would be for them. He says it's just too hard and then when he tries he gets frustrated when they don't pick up right away.

It's frustrating for me because he also doesn't teach them anything about his rich culture. It's left up to me to research and celebrate important holidays and traditions. My DD has had a hard time identifying with her Indian culture because my DH really sort of shelters her from it. And I think that is such a shame. This schol year I decided to celebrate Diwali in my DD's classroom and all of the kids had a great time. My IL's were shocked that I did this. But I did it for my DD.

-lisa

[Katica]

We are a Hungarian-Japanese couple currently living in Japan. It`s been hard but I`m only speaking Hungarian to Ds (21 months old). He has no other way of learning my own native tongue at the moment. It helps in a weird way that I`m not fluent in Japanese yet. I guess if my Japanese were better it would be harder to switch to Hungarian with my son. This is the only language I speak well so...

I really think that books, tapes, videos are a big help with teaching children other languages. Ds and I listen to Hungarian radio on the internet and I`ve found many Hungarian cartoons on YouTube.

[kateena]

we had the "problem" (I thought it was one, my husband didn't ;)) in the beginning when our daughter was born. My husband didn't consider his language to be very important, and given that his homecountry has had its share of problems he didn't want to pull our daughter into all that.
For me the bilingual thing was pretty simple. Having grown up in a bilingual household myself, it actually seems very normal to be speaking a different language to my child than the people around us. I'd say my daughter was confronted to a lot of Swiss German to start with, and when she began to really understand things and talk (only single words at this stage), we noticed that she really did pick up German. I think that's where my husband noticed that he is the only one who could teach her, and if it worked with my language then maybe it would with his, too ;). Anyway, all this rambling to say that maybe it helps to join other families with similar constallations, where the second/third language is being spoken with kids. Seeing that it works with others might be a motivation, as well as a way to help kids see the new language as "normal", and see their parent in his/her language. I have the theory that people behave differently according to what language they are speaking, and I've felt that kids pick up on that.

With us the change was 2-3 months ago- and now my daughter refuses to talk to my husband on the phone when he speaks French with her. I think it's fantastic, even if she doesn't speak Kinyarwanda she'll have a relationship to that language.

[tinybutterfly]

My dad is a native Spanish speaker and my mom is monolingual English speaking. My dad didn't teach us Spanish. I ALWAYS wished that I had been given that gift!


:yea

Only my mother was Spanish and didn't teach my brother or me to speak Spanish. English was her second language.

I took 3 years in highschool, 1 semester in college, considered majoring in Spanish in college...but since after all that time taking classes I still couldn't carry on a basic conversation, I decided it was probably not a good idea. :innocent

I have a friend from home who has married a Mexican gentleman and he does not want their girls to learn Spanish. He says "English only." Sigh.

I WISH I had learned Spanish as a child, and then I could have taught my children, too.

All I have is a family tortilla recipe. :p

[dayiscoming2006]

Hi, this is a very interesting thread.

I'm married to a Romanian and we are currently living in the US. I'm a US citizen born and raised here and I'm mostly monolingual except for bits of Spanish and Romanian. I tell my hubby to speak Romanian to my son but he forgets a lot because he speaks English with everyone else throughout the day except if he calls his family members or chats with them online.

I try to remind him though and that seems to be helping since he does want my son to learn. I plan to learn Romanian as well but at the moment we are considering a move to Denmark or another country around that area so I am not learning right now because if we do move I would want to focus on learning the language of the country we move to. I do have a text book and a language program for Romanian. Sadly they don't have Rosetta Stone in Romanian but there is "Before You Know It" which is pretty good for vocabulary and common phrases and I can have hubby add his own flash card to it for me. I recommend that program for vocabulary.

If we move to Denmark I'm getting Rosetta Stone and a Danish language text book. And I might also get Before You Know It in Danish.

I have to wait and see though.

[Alcyone]

With Danish residency you will be required to take Danish language courses anyway, and they are paid for by the state. You might wait and see how the courses work for you before spending the money on a program like Rosetta Stone. RS is great, but it's expensive and you might not feel you need it.

[nanay2bella]

I am a native speaker of Tagalog.And i swore from the moment of conception that my DD is gonna speak both and also teach my DH at the same time. But the busy life of a new parent and working mom just drains me out of the energy to switch nbetween two languages. IT bothers me. BUt i guess it is not to late to start again. DH been on my case. I better heed.:o

[WC_hapamama]

My DH says he feels weird speaking Japanese to the kids. He gets really frustrated when he tries to teach them words and they don't get it right away. :eyesroll

I think my maternal grandmother often got frustrated at our pronunciation of words. In Japanese, putting the stress on the wrong syllable changes in the meaning of the word. Not to mention that some of the Japanese sounds are hard for us native English speakers.

When my grandparents had my mom, they decided not to raise their children as bilingual. I think that decision might have had something to do with my grandfather's experience with the internment though. I've read and been told that it's a very common experience for my mother's generation. My mom and her sibs all went to a Japanese language school when they were older though.

My kids are learning some Japanese, mostly from my MIL... polite phrases and some baby talk words for those words MIL doesn't seem to want to utter in English (stuff like poop, pee, penis, etc). MIL is weird like that. :rotflmao

[_betsy_]

DH insists that two languages at home (Italian and English, mostly Italian) really messed him up. He insists that English was harder to learn because of Italian being spoken at home, but I'm pretty it was hard to learn because Italian was primarily spoken at home and the family learned nglish together, mostly through Sesame Street and other TV.

I wish he would speak some Italian to DD, but he won't. She'll hear it at the ILs, though, and she's there 3 days every week, o maybe she'll pick some of it up.

[SamanthaJ]

We have this problem, too.

DH is Chinese and speaks Mandarin, but refuses to use it with our son. He is almost four years old and knows very little Chinese. He actually knows more Spanish, which is my second language.

[joanq]

My husband is the same way. I am gradually learning Spanish, but I think he should be speaking it with our son all the time. He just doesn't, not even when I remind him.

We are sending him to an expensive Montessori school so he will learn Spanish, when his dad could do it for free....sigh.

[Bella Luna]

I really wish we had stuck with the OPOL as we had planned. DH felt that our daughter lost interest in learning German when she realized that he was the only one around who was able to understand her (he was a SAHD when she was little and I worked in an office all day). My ILs don't speak English either, and both sets of parents get on our case about it. I hope he will keep it up with the new little one, and that the older kids will thus become more interested. Since he is the native speaker, I feel that he has to want to teach them for it to work well. I am a pretty good conversationalist, but I can't teach them German grammar!

[ledzepplon]

My dh's first language is French, and my kids have learned more French from Raffi songs than from their dad! :p I think it's hard because I don't speak French, and we're usually all together, so it's just awkward for him to try to speak to them in a language I don't understand. Although I've told him many times that I'd love to learn, too.

[KnitterMama]

We have precisely the same problem. It seems I am more interested in preserving what of DH's culture I can, and DH isn't interested at all. He's pretty much never spoken Turkish to DS, despite my strong encouragement to do so. From the little he has communicated on the topic, it's mostly a problem of my not speaking Turkish. He has little opportunity to engage DS with the language, because he's the only person who speaks it. I really wish he would make more of an effort, but I can understand where that sentiment comes from. I've realized that if I want my DH to teach my son Turkish, I'm going to have to learn it as well, and engage my husband and my son in practicing.

I really haven't been able to learn much yet. I have a couple books, but I'm really not that type of learner. I'm hoping to be able to pick-up Rosetta Stone soon ... it's been a little out of my price range.

[sandsprite]

we try our best to speak Punjabi at home. and My husband and I speak punjabi together and to our youngest (non talking) child but even when we speak punjabi to my oldest (4 year old) he answers back in english we switch to english...almost unconciously. I think since he started school he speaks english instead of punjabi.


But we are planning a trip to india soon so best to get our oldest back into the habit. knowing 2 languages gave me a huge advantage, when we took french in high school is was way easier for me to learn, and when I went to portuagal I was amazed at how fast I picked it up compared to my friends, I think it is because when you already know 2 languages is way easier to pick up a third or forth language.

[dex_millie]

It is good that he is at least going to a class, hopefully dad will realize the importance soon.

I am half french and my grandmother(married a english guy, not my father bio-dad) didn't teach my dad the language, hence we didn't get thought. Results when we meet our french side(well my father fater side) of the family only one of them knew english and we had a sit down dinner with a heap of translations inbetween. We haven't seen them again, how would we communicate. I actually don't care for learning it now and am trying to learn spanish (even went Puerto Rico) and will get my son involve in spanish also. I guess we will do french as the next language.

[sandsprite]

If you know spanish, french is not that hard to pick up. one of the romance languages... and vica versa.

We learned french in school and I found it very helpful when were were in Spain/Portugal... it was much easier to pick up those languages when you have a little french exposure.

[LauraN]

I am so relieved to read about all these experiences. In our case, both DH and I speak second languages, but only speak English to our kids (me=Spanish, him=Arabic).

It's not on purpose--we both want our kids to speak all three languages. But it's really, really hard to speak to our kids in a language the other doesn't speak. It's much more natural to speak to them in the one language we have in common.

We've gotten a lot of flack from both our families for not working harder to teach the kids languages. And we both know they're right. It's just hard.

So our solution was to move to Miami :thumb. DH's family lives here, so the kids hear Arabic daily now. And it's Miami, so they hear Spanish all around them.

The move turned out to be the right thing for us. The kids have become a lot more interested in learning both Spanish and Arabic, and have recently begun trying to speak Arabic to their grandparents. :joy:

[mags]

Could it be that some of you who are hesitant to speak (or your partner who is hesitant to speak) are self conscious? My DH speaks korean, but pretty much only exclusively with family member and only when necessary when going to the korean store or restaurant. He is very self conscious about his korean. He immigrated to the US from south korea when he was 7 yrs old and feels that his korean is at the skill of, "baby" korean. I have encouraged him to speak to our kids in korean and he seems to forget to do it. Usually, he will just teach them what x is called in korean. So, they are picking up some vocab, but don't hear conversational korean.

As for me, my parents spoke both taiwanese and mandarin at home. I learned mandarin, was sent to school not knowing any english at home. My parents freaked out and wanted us to only speak english at home (while they spoke mandarin to us). Then around jr high aged, my parents suddenly decided they wanted us to speak back to them in mandarin, but by then, we weren't used to it and just couldn't get into that mode. So, while I understand mandarin and taiwanese, I speak HORRIBLE mandarin and taiwanese (and they even sent me to chinese school on sundays, which was a torture and a waste of time). I regret that my parents did not have my siblings and I speak mandarin at home.

So, my question to all of you who want your spouse to speak another language with your child. Do you expect your child to speak back to your spouse in that language? If you don't make them do that, they will end up like me, and understand the language, but their speaking skills will not be very good.