Adoption vs. Foster parenting, etc...

[OdessaEarthenMama]

I'm posting the following for a friend of mine that would welcome some advice...

Sheila says, "I am a WAHM mom to a 4 year old daughter, due to an affliction with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome I have not been able to concieve another child, my husband & I would very much love another child to fill our hearts with more love & joy, as well as our 4 year old daughters. I have recently been considering adoption & foster parenting. We are a stable family, have a nice home in a nice location, good jobs, but are not wealthy or have much money to spend on the adoption process. I have heard that our state will pay people to foster children, and I was also wondering if adopting overseas is more affordable. I'd like suggestions from anyone who has adopted, foster parented, etc..."

Thank You

[grisandole]

Well, I'm starting the process of getting licensed as a foster parent :) And, adopting through fostering, through the state, is usually free or low cost.

HTH

Kristi

[Leatherette]

I believe overseas adoption is more expensive in general, especially when the travel expenses are factored in.

Adopting waiting children (those that have been in the foster system and are now legally free for adoption) in the US is the least expensive, but many of the children are older (8 and up), and the recommendation is that they usually need to be the youngest child in the home due to family of origin issues. But there are younger children at times. I think you need to be licensed as a foster parent to adopt waiting children.

There are also US infant programs that place African American infants, and some of the agencies' fees are on a sliding scale.

Hope this helps!

L.

[OdessaEarthenMama]

Thanks, that helps a ton. I also found out about a 12 hour foster care class here in Iowa for her & the licensing info.

[Amazlilith]

We just finalized through the fost/adopt program and the total cost for us was under $50.

[T. Elena]

Before you assume you cannot afford adoption, definitely speak to a reputable adoption lawyer or agency -- there are several ways to get assistance. One of the most notable is a new federal adoption tax credit (yes -- that's credit, not a deduction) of as much as $10,000. See the IRS site for more info:

http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p968.pdf

The agency I'm going through (WACAP) has a decent overview of other options online at http://www.wacap.org/FinancialAssistance.asp And looking into fostering or foster-adopt is another excellent possibility.

Good luck to you!

[kama'aina mama]

Foster to adoption can work very well. A friend of mine (whose older DD is in preschool with mine) had a three day old baby in her arms less than a month after she first started paperwork for fostercare. And she turned down three babies before that because there was a chance their parents might get them back. As i very cynically put it "she held out for a couple of real losers". This babys parents are both habitual drug users who have already lost parental rights to two other babies in the past. One of her priorities was that she didn't want to bring a baby home, tell her 3 y/o 'this is your new baby bro/sis' and have it fall through. The baby is about ten months old now and within a month or so the courts will probably finish severing parental rights and then she can finalize the adoption.

Good luck, whichever path you choose.

[AnnMarie]

I am a licensed foster parent and I do NOT recommend it for anyone with young children. After our second placement we decided to call it quits. The girl, 12 years old, tried to take my daughters clothing off. Thankfully we heard my daughter yelling and stopped it before she got very far. I have family that was raised with foster children and bad things happened. I tried to ignore the warnings thinking I was doing a good thing. I learned the hard way, and my daughter had to pay for it. If anyone with their own children wants to do foster care I'd suggest only taking in babies. That's also a good way to adopt if you don't have the money. If you do it through foster care they pay for everything.

[Leatherette]

I am sorry you had that experience, AnnMarie. I think the general recommendation is that kids in foster to adopt programs be the youngest kid in the family, or the only child. Many come with baggage from negative early experiences which make it difficult for them to be around younger children.

L.

[AnnMarie]

Originally posted by Leatherette
I am sorry you had that experience, AnnMarie. I think the general recommendation is that kids in foster to adopt programs be the youngest kid in the family, or the only child. Many come with baggage from negative early experiences which make it difficult for them to be around younger children.

L.

TY Nothing was ever recommended to us. Now I know why they were so happy we were willing to take all ages. :LOL But even a young child could be an abuser. If I were to do it again it would have to be a very young child or infant.

[Ravin]

Just to bring some balance to what AnnMarie said, I grew up w/ foster kids, my parents started when my bio sisters were toddlers and I was pre-K. Out of the ten foster sibs we had, only one seemed like trouble--he had been very poorly placed in our home w/ a SAHM and 3 small girls, he was @13 and had been abused by his mother. He was removed in short order and placed in an all-boys group home instead.

By and large, we got on better as a family when there was a foster kid or two around. Often, you can agree to take only children in a given age range or of one gender. In Idaho, our 1st 3 were teenaged boys, my dad worked just a few yards from our house so that worked out well until the one who was so troubled. Then a pair of preteen girls, still quite a bit older than us. Then a teenaged girl. My parents also refused to take African-American children because we lived in a very small town and they feared a black child would face racism at school that they wouldn't in the city.

Then we moved to another state and it was several years before my parents got back into it. In TX, we took in only teenaged girls. By then I was also in my teens and my sisters not far behind.

One of them, Janice, came to us when she was 13, she's a little over a year older than me and we were in the same grade. We still consider her part of our family, along with her dd, and always will, and vice versa, although she was not formally adopted. Her life up until she came to live with us was one horror story after another, and included physical and sexual abuse, from being born prematurely because of alcohol on.

Today she works at the same childrens' shelter she lived in before being placed with us and is starting college soon to major in social work. She's a kind, sweet, and gentle person, and if she hadn't found a good home, her life would have been flushed down the tubes before it ever got started.

Part of one's experience w/ foster parenting depends on what state you're in. I've heard horror stories from former foster kids as well as parents. The system isn't perfect. In some states, it's just plain screwed up. But the more people get involved, the less screwed up it will be.