Too much cultural difference?

[veronicalynne]

Mods, I hope I have put this in the right section. My husband is born Iraqi and I am born Canadian (english, scottish, german-u get the picture). It just seems lately that he has been putting me down alot for the fact that i cant cook iraqi food at all and has started calling me not a real woman. I know how to cook canadian but he is not interested in it at all. I have tried to learn to cook his food but it is hard when noone will teach me and believe me the cookbooks/internet about it are not authentic according to him. I used to love cooking and now i hate it. I am just not sure how to resolve this or if it is indicative of a larger problem with our different cultures. We are so different with regards to child rearing, views on life etc. I am starting to wonder how we ever got together at all. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, how did you deal with it? To be honest, I am beginning to feel that the marriage was a mistake.

[elizaveta]

Is this about food or does it go deeper?

[veronicalynne]

It goes way way deeper. Food is only one example. We cant seem to agree about anything at all. Even the way he has been treating me I am not sure if it is due to culture or something else. Even the way we talk is different and how we view life. I am just not sure if it is a cultural problem here or if it is a marriage problem.

[texmati]

:hugs

I couldn't read and not reply. Thats sounds really tough.

My DH is grew up in India, and I grew up here in the US (my parents grew up in India). So although we look the same, DH and I have very different upbringings.

I understand about different cultures having totally different views on what married live should be like.

If you don't mind my saying, I find that what helps us in our marriage is to *not* think about things as a cultural problem but a me and dh issue. DH and I can't control cultural attitueds and norms, but we can change what our attitudes are, and what is normal for our household, so it really helps me feel way less hopless. (does that make any sense?)

[texmati]

Oooh, and I just wanted to add, I did sort of feel this way when DH and I first started dating. And it's gotten soooo much better since then.

I know this sounds corny, but I really feel that we are establishing our own brand or mix of culture.

Please PM me if you want to talk. :)

[eepster]

I'd bet that your individual, family style, economic, personality and cultural differences are all part of the mix that both brought you together, and are causing conflict.

Blaming culture is something my DH does often. Our biggest conflict centers around MILs behavior. DH often claims that the problem is cultural, but that doesn't explain why her SIL (same culture as her) has the same conflicts I do with MIL.

In your example of food the problem probably is more complicated than simply that you don't make it authentically enough. He may want it to be just the way his mom made it. He may be missing the celebrations that surrounded his favorite dishes when he was young. In these cases it would be much more about family than culture as a whole.

It might be more an issue of his feeling isolated. It may be impossible for you to reproduce the dishes he knows b/c you don't have access to the the ingredients in fresh form (you mntioned there is no one around to help you so I'm guessing there aren't Iraqi groceries.) This could remind him that he is very far from home. He may mostly be feeling isolated and is having trouble opening up to you about it.

[elizaveta]

How exactly is he treating you??

[Turkish Kate]

I'm American, DH is Turkish, so similar cultures to yours. I think a lot of times men (and women too) want someone to blame for why their adopted culture isn't more like their culture of origin. I've known Turkish men in the states who complained about the same things--their wives don't cook Turkish food, don't do things the Turkish way, etc. I can tell you from experience that there is no way to make Turkish food (or Iraqi food or Lebanese food, etc) on the North American continent because the ingredients just aren't the same. Although the eggplant that you buy in the US (or Canada) may look just like a Turkish or Iraqi eggplant, they don't taste the same or cook the same. You can be the most expert cook in whatever regional cuisine, but if you're trying to make it out of that region, it's not going to be the same. Which is to say, don't beat yourself up over the cooking. It's not your fault. Tell your DH I said so. :lol

Food is so reflective of culture, and nowhere is that more true than in the "Middle East." When he's criticising your cooking, is he really criticising the food or is he saying, "This isn't what I expected. I didn't think my life would have to change so much." Is he trying to cling to his own culture and feeling that he's being swallowed up by Canadian-ness? Are your differences power struggles or are they truly differences? Does he say black just because you say white? (Or do you say white just because he says black?)

I'd also look at the pregnancy issue. You're due in a couple of months, right? Not saying that it's the right thing to do, but some men get really wigged out at the end of a pregnancy. How was he with your first two girls?

Religion is another angle to tackle, but I won't do that publicly. PM me if you want to go there. I've also got some tricks for making American food taste more like Arabic/Turkish/Persian food, if you want them.

Hugs and Du'a for you. I feel for you.

[veronicalynne]

How exactly is he treating you??


That is the problem. For a long time, I felt and have been told by others including a social worker who visited me in the hospital that he is verbally/emotionally abusive. It is hard to put it all down here but I will try to give some examples. He tells me I am fat, ugly, old and not a real woman. I am a bad mother and (his words) if I leave him the kids will end up on the streets with no future. I have no mind. Everything I do is wrong no matter how I try. He thinks it is ok to look at porn, and then come to me and later compare me to the women in them. He has told me he is only staying with me because of the kids and tonight I found he has been searching on arabic matrimonial websites. He actually slapped my older dd on the face one time and only one time because I told him if he ever did that again I would phone the police and file charges. I was willing to think the one time was due to his upbringing but I have doubts now. He actually had CPS one time called on him when I was in the emergency room (hyperemesis) because when dd1 tried to run into the street into traffic he grabbed her by the hair and yelled at her and at a stranger who tried to tell him what he was doing was wrong. Again, I was thinking maybe it was his culture and if he realized we dont do that here he would change. I told him straight out I was glad the woman called CPS and I also told the social worker who I asked to talk to in hospital. I have given him too many chances havent I? He has never tried anything else with the kids and if he did that would be it. Reading this, I am thinking I have been stupid and negligant havent I? I have been trying to hold the marriage together for the sake of the kids but if I have to keep watching and not sure if he will lose control again it isnt worth it. I should say he has never physically hit me at all but I am wondering if those 2 lapses is an indication that I should get out now for the kids sakes. The social worker told me that she thought the hair pulling incident was him panicking since it was one time only but considering how he also slapped her on the face...I am not so sure. Sorry this is so rambling. I am up tonight trying to figure out what to do and if I leave where to go and how.

[elizaveta]

That is the problem. For a long time, I felt and have been told by others including a social worker who visited me in the hospital that he is verbally/emotionally abusive. It is hard to put it all down here but I will try to give some examples. He tells me I am fat, ugly, old and not a real woman. I am a bad mother and (his words) if I leave him the kids will end up on the streets with no future. I have no mind. Everything I do is wrong no matter how I try. He thinks it is ok to look at porn, and then come to me and later compare me to the women in them. He has told me he is only staying with me because of the kids and tonight I found he has been searching on arabic matrimonial websites. He actually slapped my older dd on the face one time and only one time because I told him if he ever did that again I would phone the police and file charges. I was willing to think the one time was due to his upbringing but I have doubts now. He actually had CPS one time called on him when I was in the emergency room (hyperemesis) because when dd1 tried to run into the street into traffic he grabbed her by the hair and yelled at her and at a stranger who tried to tell him what he was doing was wrong. Again, I was thinking maybe it was his culture and if he realized we dont do that here he would change. I told him straight out I was glad the woman called CPS and I also told the social worker who I asked to talk to in hospital. I have given him too many chances havent I? He has never tried anything else with the kids and if he did that would be it. Reading this, I am thinking I have been stupid and negligant havent I? I have been trying to hold the marriage together for the sake of the kids but if I have to keep watching and not sure if he will lose control again it isnt worth it. I should say he has never physically hit me at all but I am wondering if those 2 lapses is an indication that I should get out now for the kids sakes. The social worker told me that she thought the hair pulling incident was him panicking since it was one time only but considering how he also slapped her on the face...I am not so sure. Sorry this is so rambling. I am up tonight trying to figure out what to do and if I leave where to go and how.

Well, you need to get away from him. As soon as possible. If you have no family in the area or no one to help you - try to find a safe house. This is exactly what I thought it was from your first post as I've seen this happen so many times.

Where exactly are you in Canada?

And big :hug I know that you're going through a lot right now.

[veronicalynne]

I am in Edmonton, Alberta. I did get a list of safe houses from the social worker I spoke to back in March(?). I spoke to her for quite awhile about the situation and though she thought that maybe he had panicked with the hair pulling incident, she thought other things indicated emotional/verbal abuse. I have just been trying to hold it together for the sake of the kids but I think I have been a fool. I grew up in a broken home, and my mother was on social assistance for a long time. It was very hard financially and not having a father around. I think that is what has been holding me back. I have 2 dds and am almost 7 months pregnant now and have just not been sure if I should leave now or after baby is born. I read that alot of women are being turned away from the safe houses right now and if they turn me away, the children and I will have nowhere to go. Unfortunately, I dont have any family at all. So it is a hard hard decision to make. I have the numbers and plan to phone them when he is not around.

[cappuccinosmom]

Yah, I don't think your trouble is cultural. Bad, abusive men are bad, abusive men. :( Even a man from a patriarchal or abuse-encouraging environment can *choose* to be loving, kind, and compassionate, so it's not a "cultural difference".

I hope you find a safe place.

:hug

[Turkish Kate]

Agree with above, your problem is not cultural. Your problem is your UAV of a husband. The actions and attitudes you describe above are *NOT* in any way, shape, or form part of his culture of origin.

Consider contacting your local masjid for assistance. You may have better luck than with social services, depending on the imam. Situations like this are what zakat should be used for.

[ThreeBeans]

This is nothing to do with culture. It has to do with domestic violence. Your husband is guilty of spousal and child abuse.

Please, please, please get out of there. Do you want your little girls growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat your wife?

[veronicalynne]

I have decided to leave him. The social worker gave me a list of safe houses when i spoke to her. I have to wait until he goes out. There is no way he would let us go if he knows i am leaving which is weird because everything points to him wanting out. I am not sure if i should talk to an imam or not. I cant seem to get the words out and i am not sure what good it would do. I dont think he will ever change and there has been so many bad things he has said to me that i dont think i could just go on kwim? I just feel so stupid right now and like a bad mother. I have tried to keep it together for the kids and i swore i would never let anyone hurt my kids. The hair pulling incident was one time and i rationalized that, and i have more or less successfully scared him off from trying to slap yasmeen though there have been a few times i have had to physically put myself in between to protect her. But she is so scared of him. She so much wants love from him (i grew up with my dad not around so i know how dads are needed) but she is too frightened to approach him and i have to coax her when he is in a "good" mood. I always swore i would never let anyone hurt my kids and he has done it not only physically but emotionallly as well. I will just have to plan and quietly get important papers together (i still cant find the passports....i dont know if he would try to take the kids if something happened) and then leave when he is not here. Thanks for your imput. He had me convinced it is just me and all in my head.

[texmati]

Yah, I don't think your trouble is cultural. Bad, abusive men are bad, abusive men


ITA.

:hug Op, after reading your later posts, it does seem like there is a serious problem with your DH.

It sounds like you've already started thinking about leaving. If you have family/ a safe place to go to, I would leave as soon as possible.

[texmati]

I have decided to leave him. The social worker gave me a list of safe houses when i spoke to her. I have to wait until he goes out. There is no way he would let us go if he knows i am leaving which is weird because everything points to him wanting out. I am not sure if i should talk to an imam or not. I cant seem to get the words out and i am not sure what good it would do. I dont think he will ever change and there has been so many bad things he has said to me that i dont think i could just go on kwim? I just feel so stupid right now and like a bad mother. I have tried to keep it together for the kids and i swore i would never let anyone hurt my kids. The hair pulling incident was one time and i rationalized that, and i have more or less successfully scared him off from trying to slap yasmeen though there have been a few times i have had to physically put myself in between to protect her. But she is so scared of him. She so much wants love from him (i grew up with my dad not around so i know how dads are needed) but she is too frightened to approach him and i have to coax her when he is in a "good" mood. I always swore i would never let anyone hurt my kids and he has done it not only physically but emotionallly as well. I will just have to plan and quietly get important papers together (i still cant find the passports....i dont know if he would try to take the kids if something happened) and then leave when he is not here. Thanks for your imput. He had me convinced it is just me and all in my head.

Nope, not in your head. Do you think that your imam would help you leave?

Sometimes its difficult for people outside a situation to see how bad it really is. If you don't think that imam would be supportive, you might talk to him after you leave. Not being in this situation might give you the claritiy that you need to talk to the imam.

ETA: You sound like such a brave mama!

[princessoflove]

It is not about food, or culture, it is about disrespect. If you have made up your mind, and you are certain that you want out, than get a lawyer. A women's shelter or women's resource organization, should be able to put you in contact with lawyers who will help you for free, or who will make your husband pay for their services.

The lawyers will represent your rights and the rights of your children so that you receive child support, and spousal support. Your husband owes that to your children and to you.

Please take care of yourself and your children.

[Barbamama]

It is not about food, or culture, it is about disrespect. If you have made up your mind, and you are certain that you want out, than get a lawyer. A women's shelter or women's resource organization, should be able to put you in contact with lawyers who will help you for free, or who will make your husband pay for their services.

The lawyers will represent your rights and the rights of your children so that you receive child support, and spousal support. Your husband owes that to your children and to you.

Please take care of yourself and your children.

Brand newbie here, sorry for jumping in w/o introducing myself, but I just wanted to propose that speaking with a lawyer might be a good idea even if you haven't made up your mind that you want out. And if there's any possibility that he would/could try to take the children back to Iraq (or anywhere abroad, for that matter), please talk to a lawyer who handles international custody/abduction matters.

I'll be thinking of you.

[Peppermint Leaf]

OP There is a way to get your children's passports flagged (not sure how) so that they are stopped at the airport/customs

My prayers are with you dear momma

[Turkish Kate]

See The Hague Convention on International Child Abductions (http://www.hcch.net/index_en.php?act=text.display&tid=21). I don't have time right now to search it for you--it's late here--but InshAllah, you'll find what you need to prevent him taking the children out of the country.

[elizaveta]

If you have any suspicions of him trying to take them out of the country that can be really dangerous! Especially if it is to an Islamic country! There the court will most likely not be in your favour.

Try to do things quietly and get yourself out. You have a good chance now because you are in your country and living by your laws and you have the chance to protect them. But if he takes them out it'll be fair game. The only way you will be able to try to fight it is to go to that specific country and fight in court there and like I said earlier, if it's an Islamic country your chances can be slim, especially if you have a son. And I'm not sure Iraq in particular follows the Hague Convention. I know the Emirates does not...

I am not sure if Iraq in particular uses the Shari'a law, but if they do then it will be hard. Especially if he has no issues with lying. All he would have to say is you are making haram or you had a boyfriend and you'd lose. I've seen some insane cases... A friend of mine was raped and because the man said she was "devilish" and "tempted" him she was put in prison for six months and then deported.

[Barbamama]

And I'm not sure Iraq in particular follows the Hague Convention.

Iraq is not a signatory to the Hague Convention. And the Convention only guides the actions of its' signatory countries after an abduction has occurred -- e.g., requiring that the child be returned, or not, depending on the circumstances. It won't offer guidance as to how OP can best protect herself and her children now.

Please OP, if international abduction is a concern, you should talk to someone who's a specialist in that area. It's very complex, I wouldn't try to navigate it myself (and I'm a lawyer). Hopefully they could tell you what, if anything, can be done now, before divorce and custody proceedings, to give you the best stance possible later down the road.

I'd be happy to ask the family law practitioners that I know for recommendations, but I'm in the US, have a couple of people I could ask in Canada, but not many.

[RainCoastMama]

Hi mama - :hug

No, this type of personality and behviour goes above and beyond cultural difference. Your DH is ill, and needs psychological help.

In the meantime, the onus is upon you to protect your little ones and yourself, and you are doing the right thing, as extremely difficult as it is. I'm a social worker and have done women's abuse counselling in the past, and I'm Canadian. You can PM me if you like. I'm not in Alta, but there are many similar laws across our provinces.

If you decide not to leave for whatever million reasons you have in your head (it's all a process), call the police should he lay a finger on you and ask for a peace bond - a 'contract' to mutually keep the peace. He can be put into jail if he breaches it. See if your mosque can do an intervention.

If he lays a hand on the kids, you can call children's services and a) have him removed from the house with a restraining order against him for you and the kids; he could potentially return to the home under a strict supervision order that mandates anger management and parenting programs; b) have him arrested. If he is arrested and goes through sentencing, he will have terms and conditions against him as part of his probation that include not being anywhere within so many metres of the house or you/the kids, among many other (like not being to have a firearm or engage in drugs/alcohol). He will also have to go through mandated anger mgt programs. He will be thrown into jail should be breach his terms.

As well, if you are both separate, he will need your signature giving permission to take the kids across the border into the US, and you can get your passports flagged, as mentioned.

If you decide to leave, please call a women's crisis line and let them help you come up with a safety plan, as well as transportation and a bed at a shelter. Let them help you come up with a packing list.

You have 2 months before you have to go through the newborn stage again, and this could raise the stress level in your household. As well, you may be too exhausted to act upon the good advice of these ladies here.

I have to run - baby calling, but please keep us updated.

:hug

[Peppermint Leaf]

:1praying::Hug

[Turkish Kate]

I would think that since Iraq doesn't have an independent gov't but is under the jurisdiction of the US military for the most part, the Hague Convention would apply? But I'm no expert on international law. :shrug I know in the US there is some sort of petition that you can file to prevent a child from being taken out of the country, but not sure what or how or if Canada has something similar.

[Peppermint Leaf]

I would think that since Iraq doesn't have an independent gov't but is under the jurisdiction of the US military for the most part, the Hague Convention would apply? But I'm no expert on international law. :shrug I know in the US there is some sort of petition that you can file to prevent a child from being taken out of the country, but not sure what or how or if Canada has something similar.
----

I have a client in a similar situation and ex-husband is also from Iraq and they are all presently in Canada. She has filed a petition as well - and also taught her 2 little children to run for help if daddy ever takes them to an airport :(

[Peppermint Leaf]

I would think that since Iraq doesn't have an independent gov't but is under the jurisdiction of the US military for the most part, the Hague Convention would apply? But I'm no expert on international law. :shrug I know in the US there is some sort of petition that you can file to prevent a child from being taken out of the country, but not sure what or how or if Canada has something similar.
----

I have a client in a similar situation and ex-husband is also from Iraq and they are all presently in Canada. She has filed a petition as well - and also taught her 2 little children to run for help if daddy ever takes them to an airport :(

[Miss 1928]

Oh, Veronicalynne,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. :crying

I have no advice but I wanted to send you hugs and wishes for courage and strength. :Hug

I also wanted to congratulate you for being brave enough to realize that you do not have to accept things the way they are and that it is not all in your head.

The best of luck to you.
:goodvibes: to you from Rome.

[Peppermint Leaf]

:Hug:dust:goodvibes:

[mean_jeannie]

Had to give you a :hug

Please keep us updated - we are wishing you and your little ones the best!

[Bunnybee]

Also sending you :goodvibes: and :Hug and :1praying:
Good luck mama, please update us when you can.

[veronicalynne]

Thanks for all the support. I am trying to do things quietly here. I think he does know that something is up....usually I end up crying and sad for a while and then he tries to be all huggy to make up. I must be acting a bit differently because he has been very subdued and trying to be "extra" affectionate. I did phone a couple of shelters and got some info as to what exactly I should bring. One thing I am searching for is the passports we do have for the kids. I dont think he would do anything but I know I have to expect anything from him. If I cant find them, I will have to look into flagging them just in case. Someone told me to try to look into marriage counselling but I think it has gone beyond that. I tried to get him to go with me in the past for both of us but he would not. Now, I have doubts that he could change kwim? I am just trying to be logical and careful in my timing. I did find out that if there is no room in the shelter, they will put us up in a motel until there is room which was one of my major concerns. I am worried to because I just got my dd1 into a free preschool starting in September but if I move then she cant go and she really wants to go. I had a friend of mine tell me to go back to Toronto but I think I have to stay here until it is decided who has primary custody doesnt it? I wouldnt want him to use my going back to Toronto as an excuse to make me look bad. I also worry about losing custody of the children too. He is a university student who is just finishing his PH.D and I have been a SAHM since my dd1 was born. Who are they going to think can provide better? All these questions and more are going through my head. I am going to have to look into talking to a lawyer for advice but the only free advice I know of is if I go to the shelters. I would like to know my chances before I leave. I worry about the effect on my children. I grew up in a broken home without a father and I never wanted that for them kwim? It is hurting me so badly the thought of what they will be going through. Anyway, I just wanted to update what was going on......just careful planning and thinking, and putting things together.

[Peppermint Leaf]

OP -- Keep coming back here for support --- Dont hesitate to reach out for help. we are all here for you.

I don't know what religion you are but have you thought about contacting a local church -- they would most likely give you some moral support plus hopefully a whole lot more:)

Blessings to you and your family in this difficult time

[Jannah6]

Veronica, I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Personally, I don't think that a court would award custody to him, especially with a CPS case. I think that you would also be able to call the social worker as a witness, if need be. Also, many a SAHM have been awarded child support.
I was married before and was conflicted about getting out because I didn't want DS to come from a broken home(X and I were both at fault). Divorcing was the best thing that I could have done. You are definitely doing the best thing for your children and yourself, and I pray that Allah gives you guidance and ease.
I wanted to add that unfortunately horrible treatment of women and children is sometimes culturally related. My DH is Albanian(raised in America) and I am African American. His parents/culture did a number on him:(. He has come a long way and is still working on changing. I think the first step is realizing you have a problem. Your husband is not willing to do that, so it's his loss and he will have to answer for it.

[Barbamama]

Veronica --

I've been thinking of you. Have reached to former colleagues to get ideas and possible contacts, but in the meantime, I found this organization on line:

http://www.slsedmonton.com/civil/index.html

Their site has general information about divorce and custody under Alberta law, and they welcome telephone and in-person inquiries -- free or nominal charge, I think. I hate to add to your burden -- more info to sift through isn't always a good thing when you have so much to think about already, but I thought I'd pass this link on.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[Breastisbest2008]

I really feel for you too. The man I am dating now is Chinese and I'm America. His family forbids him to be with because of that, and secondly because I'm divorced with children. I sometimes wonder if going into a marriage with this man might also be a mistake.

[Bad Mama Jama]

:hug This situation sounds abusive to me and I know how much it hurts to realize that we live in abuse. I would get out of there. Though you may not realize it, emotional and verbal abuse takes its toll on you and it is tricky to rebuild. I know that I thought I was strong and that it didn't effect me, but the reality is as a direct result of the abuse, I avoided all men like the plague for quite a while because I feared that they may all secretly be that way. I am sorry that you have to endure this, mama. :hug

[princessoflove]

It sounds like you are really struggling with some heart aching decisions.

As for, not wanting your children to grow up in a broken home. Just my humble personal opinion. You have to decide if a broken home with a loving caring mother, in which a child can learn love and respect, is a better home.

Or rather, a home with two parents, and one of those parents is an abusive father. A home in which the risk are high that the child will learn to either learn to accept abuse or to become an abuser.

I am so sorry you and you children are going through so much pain. Please take care of you and your children.

[veronicalynne]

I am staying with a friend right now and trying not to make rash decisions. I am 7 months pregnant and I want to be as logical as I can be with leaving. I was hoping that maybe islamic counselling would help us but I am doubting that. I do know he loves the kids so maybe counselling would help? Or maybe nothing would help.....

[Barbamama]

Veronica,

I think of you daily, I hope at least a little bit of that positive energy is reaching you in the Great White North. Hugs to you. And more hugs, and more . . . ad infinitum.

[ewe+lamb]

Lots and lots of hugs to you, this must be so hard, but you are doing the correct thing. I am married to an Algerian and I'm Scottish, I don't think that this has anything to do with culture, maybe his upbringing but not cultural, my dh was severely beaten regularly as a child/teenager defending his mother and 7 sisters, it was he that made the decision not to be anything like his father .... I ramble - sorry.

Anyway if you can't find the passports you could report them lost and reapply for Canadian passports and have them sent somewhere safe or you can go collect them at the passport office. I really hope that things work out for you and am thinking about you, this is not your fault, you certainly are not a bad mother/woman/cook whatever he has been saying. Keep coming back but do be careful he's not able to find out by looking into your pc etc. Big big and lots and lots of hugs to you.

[Collinsky]

:hug Veronica, I hope you find clarity and peace as you move ahead.

[veronicalynne]

I agree that it is not cultural at all....i think he is following in his fathers footsteps. My older dd is upset at leaving daddy and i feel so awful for her. I dont like her to see me crying. She shouldnt have to be trying to cheer me up by bringing me flowers. I am so afraid she thinks that this is all her fault. The younger one doesnt know what is going on. My concern now is who i will leave the children with when i go into labor...how will i get to hospital...what if i need c/s.....i am so angry at him right now for making me do this.

[texmati]

Hi... just wanted to check up on you!

You are one strong mama!

[veronicalynne]

Hi... just wanted to check up on you!

You are one strong mama!


Thanks but honestly i dont feel that strong. I am staying at a friends place right now. He doesnt know which one but I have spoken to him on the phone and let him speak to the kids. Just trying to figure out the next step...It is hard because I am due near the end of August and it feels like it will be sooner. I am not sure I am up to big moves right now kwim?

[texmati]

I can totally understand. Will this friend let you stay with her until you have the baby? It would be nice to use this time to figure out a plan for after the baby comes.

[rachel_eva]

:If you don't mind my saying, I find that what helps us in our marriage is to *not* think about things as a cultural problem but a me and dh issue. DH and I can't control cultural attitueds and norms, but we can change what our attitudes are, and what is normal for our household, so it really helps me feel way less hopless. (does that make any sense?)

i have to say i agree. i try very hard to not blame our issues or my issues with my ILs on culture and just say, it is us/him/his family.

dh and i have a lot of the same issues. we have just such totally different views on so much about parenting and life. i mean, there is a lot we agree on-the big stuff (co-sleeping, bf, SAHM), but it is the details that are serious issues.
we used to joke that the only thing we had in common was we loved to go dancing. but...with little ones, we don't do that very much anymore.
it is a real struggle sometimes and although i really love him, as much as i did 9 years ago when we first got together, sometimes i wonder if it wouldn't have been easier marrying someone else.
he is from South america and came here when he was in his teens. his entire family is also here and i think that their proximity makes it difficult cause he sees how his siblings are and hears what his mother's opions are and it does affect how he thinks. and they really tend to drive me nuts.
i sometimes tel myself that it would be just as hard with anyone, marriage is hard...
sorry, don't know if it helps you, but at least you know there are others in your boat!
rachel

[veronicalynne]

I can totally understand. Will this friend let you stay with her until you have the baby? It would be nice to use this time to figure out a plan for after the baby comes.


Yes, thankfully...she is a great friend. I just can't think what else to do right now that baby is coming. I am glad I left because CPS came to see me today about him and an incident at the YMCA a while back. Mind you, it was not abuse but very stupid parenting behavior on his part. He had both dd1 and dd2 in the water with him and he lifted dd2 by one arm (mind you it was gentle and not in anger but you still dont pick up a child that way....i told him that for 4 years) and moved her slowly from his left side to his right side. The lifeguards on duty didnt like that and apparently called CPS. The lifeguards were already ticked off because
they had to remind him repeatedly to stay in the same pool with dd1. He just didnt seem to understand that though she was wearing a floating bathing suit it is still not safe and there are rules and regulations to follow. So I did tell them some of the irresponsible things he tried to do with them until I put my foot down (eg no car seat use, leaving dd1 unsupervised in toy area of store, running around unsupervised near traffic). I mean, all of these things happened one time and one time only but I still should not have to be on guard against their own father making bad safety decisions kwim? CPS basically told me that the YMCA was wrong to call but they still have to investigate which I do understand and they seem to think it is more an issue of him needing to learn parenting skills which is why they want to talk to him. I am just glad I left because what if they took my kids away from me because of his behavior??? Yes, CPS was called on him but technically I am married to him and responsible too. I dont want to lose my kids over this and am afraid now even though they seem to think he just needs a parenting course and it is not abuse.

[RainCoastMama]

I want to send some :hug your way - I pull up this thread everytime I'm on to see if you have any updates. I am so thrilled that you're not regretting your decision, and that you have support :joy: If anything, the time away will allow you to clear your head.

Keep strong, mama - you're doing the right thing.

[veronicalynne]

i have to say i agree. i try very hard to not blame our issues or my issues with my ILs on culture and just say, it is us/him/his family.

dh and i have a lot of the same issues. we have just such totally different views on so much about parenting and life. i mean, there is a lot we agree on-the big stuff (co-sleeping, bf, SAHM), but it is the details that are serious issues.
we used to joke that the only thing we had in common was we loved to go dancing. but...with little ones, we don't do that very much anymore.
it is a real struggle sometimes and although i really love him, as much as i did 9 years ago when we first got together, sometimes i wonder if it wouldn't have been easier marrying someone else.
he is from South america and came here when he was in his teens. his entire family is also here and i think that their proximity makes it difficult cause he sees how his siblings are and hears what his mother's opions are and it does affect how he thinks. and they really tend to drive me nuts.
i sometimes tel myself that it would be just as hard with anyone, marriage is hard...
sorry, don't know if it helps you, but at least you know there are others in your boat!
rachel


It does help:) I just meant with the possible cultural issue things like car seats....he is Iraqi and apparently they dont use car seats his country so he didnt take it seriously here and either do his Iraqi friends. I used to cringe when I would see his friends kids unrestrained. The verbal with me I think is just his family...maybe the way he grew up with his own father? I dont know. I posted above about his irresponsible behavior regarding safety with the kids but to be honest my friend who is Canadian complains about her Canadian husband (Scottish/english background) who does alot of the same irresponsible parenting that my husband did. The problem with my husband is he is loud and gruff when he talks (Iraqis are a very loud people lol and hubby happens to not only look like Saddamm Hussain but sounds funny when he talks because he has 50% hearing loss) and I think people misjudge him because of it......The big thing with us has been the nasty things he has said to me which I posted before. He has never said anything like that to the kids....I would never tolerate it if he did. Anyway, I do agree with you it is more the family than culture.....I was thinking it was culture but the more I think about it....why do his friends not behave this way?????

[veronicalynne]

I want to send some :hug your way - I pull up this thread everytime I'm on to see if you have any updates. I am so thrilled that you're not regretting your decision, and that you have support :joy: If anything, the time away will allow you to clear your head.

Keep strong, mama - you're doing the right thing.

Thanks.....it is nice to know others feel I did the right thing. It is sooo easy to doubt yourself especially when your children are crying for daddy but since the CPS thing I just mentioned I am feeling more and more I did the right thing.

[RasJi7]

Congratulations on your LO! Hope you are doing well and continue to have great support. Thinking about you and sending lots of :hugs and :good vibes:

How are your older two doing with the new addition to the family?

[Ellien C]

My prayers are with you. Never doubt that you did the right thing. Don't go back, don't let him convince you that you can't make it on your own. You CAN!

[Bunnybee]

I just noticed in your siggy that you had a baby boy! Congratulations. I hope you and the children are doing well.

[veronicalynne]

Bunnybee and RasJi7,

Thanks....we are doing very well. I went on vacation to Calgary with a friend and ended up in labor at 37 weeks...the baby is fine. I guess he just decided it was time to come. Yasmeen is insisting on calling him Sleeping Beauty the Dancer....boing (very important to have the boing at the end)...and poor Tamara looks at me so crestfallen when I bf him. I am tandem nursing but she is still sad poor thing.

[RasJi7]

Bunnybee and RasJi7,

Thanks....we are doing very well. I went on vacation to Calgary with a friend and ended up in labor at 37 weeks...the baby is fine. I guess he just decided it was time to come. Yasmeen is insisting on calling him Sleeping Beauty the Dancer....boing (very important to have the boing at the end)...and poor Tamara looks at me so crestfallen when I bf him. I am tandem nursing but she is still sad poor thing.

aw poor Tamara! I love the nickname...and the boing haha.

So happy that you are all doing well! :love

[jul511riv]

just be careful, mama. hugs.

[princessoflove]

Nice to hear that you, and the children are doing well. And congratulations on the birth of your ds. :love

[Bunnybee]

Bunnybee and RasJi7,

Thanks....we are doing very well. I went on vacation to Calgary with a friend and ended up in labor at 37 weeks...the baby is fine. I guess he just decided it was time to come. Yasmeen is insisting on calling him Sleeping Beauty the Dancer....boing (very important to have the boing at the end)...and poor Tamara looks at me so crestfallen when I bf him. I am tandem nursing but she is still sad poor thing.

Aww, that's great that you are still nursing though! I'm sure Tamara will be fine, And that is an adorable nickname from Yasmeen!

[ernalala]

Just thinking... shouldn't you be a little more careful with what to write on this public board. I mean, maybe your husband may know about you 'visiting' MDC and know your nickname and trace some of the posts/info you gave free and it may also get him very mad at you, even just for knowing that you've been posting delicate private matters on a forum without knowing which one or even having read the contents.
I would suggest to have your posting/thread moved to the non-public abuse forum and to have this thread deleted at the multicultural forum?
Also pls do not use your own name or your children's names in your profile/signature when being in such an awkward situation?
Just in case. Then it cannot be used against you.

Congratulations with your new baby!
Hope you will find a way to be happier, even must it be as a single mom...

[texmati]

I was just thinking of this thread... hope that you are well, and many, many congratulations on your baby boy!

[EdnaMarie]

We are going through something similar. My DH is depressed and has insomnia as well as really starting to show his true colors. I hope things work out for you guys. I personally don't really know what to do- I feel I'm more willing to change than he is, but I have my limits.

My DH doesn't complain about food, but that's really probably just an excuse for your DH to get his negative energy offloaded on to you. I mean, he knew when he married you that you weren't Iraqi, so what does he expect? My DH has other issues, but the point is- do you feel there will always be SOMETHING so that he'll always be unhappy with you?

That would be to me a sign of depression (him) and abuse (from him) that needs to be dealt with. It's not so much a question of being different as it is of not accepting the other person as a human being.

[veronicalynne]

We are going through something similar. My DH is depressed and has insomnia as well as really starting to show his true colors. I hope things work out for you guys. I personally don't really know what to do- I feel I'm more willing to change than he is, but I have my limits.

My DH doesn't complain about food, but that's really probably just an excuse for your DH to get his negative energy offloaded on to you. I mean, he knew when he married you that you weren't Iraqi, so what does he expect? My DH has other issues, but the point is- do you feel there will always be SOMETHING so that he'll always be unhappy with you?

That would be to me a sign of depression (him) and abuse (from him) that needs to be dealt with. It's not so much a question of being different as it is of not accepting the other person as a human being.

I do think he will always be unhappy with me:( but i think he is really unhappy with himself kwim? I do think he is depressed and stressed trying to get his phd but it is no excuse and i think there are issues with his own fathers behavior too. I havent been online too much because of a demanding newborn, a jealous toddler and an insecure preschooler....i will try to pm you tomorrow though

[EdnaMarie]

I do think he will always be unhappy with me but i think he is really unhappy with himself kwim?

I know exactly what you mean. Mine is the same way. I am beyond caring whether this is the norm in his country or not. It's just not okay for him to do what he does. I'm ready to do a lot for him, but it's never enough. Mine has good and bad days and the good days make me think he might get better. Not likely, I know. Sigh.

[kokonutmama]

I'm coming in late, so I am sorry. I went through something similar with my ex. Wasn't sure where to draw the line between cultural issues and marriage ones, between him being abusive and me being too needy, between solvable marriage problems and insurmountably disparate needs. Eventually, I left. 3 years later, I still struggle with those questions, but ds and I are better off. You have it harder because your kids are older and more numerous. My heart really goes out to you.

Congrats on your new little boy! I wish your family the best. Have courage and strength. I invite you to PM me if you want to talk in private.

Oh, and be very very careful. People I spoke with in legal and social services before leaving said things to me like, "does baby sleep with you? [he does] Good!" "you really need a restraining order" etc

[MrsAprilMay]

OK, I just read through the thread. I hope all is well with you and that you are staying safe.

[princessoflove]

Glad to hear from you, I have been thinking about you and the kids. Please take care.

[iamthesmilingone]

:hug

Take care of yourself and those sweet babies...

[Swan3]

Take care of yourself and please know that the law won't work against you and your kids. My mother went through something similar (although there was also physical abuse) and was able to use Legal Aid (we're also in Alberta). Remember the cycle of abuse - the abuser lashes out, abuses you emotionally/physically - you get upset, they go through a honeymoon period (making promises, acting differently) then it happens again. I know in our case he kept stepping further and further over the line.

You're in my prayers, please get out. I don't think this is a cultural thing. I think your DH is behaving in the same way any abuser would and that you run the same risks as any other woman in that situation. I really hope you can get out now and negotiate later.

I know it's tough to think about those things that the kids might miss out on in their regular routine if you leave. But you can build new routines, it will be hard at first but they will thank you for leaving. Just as I admire and thank my mother to this day. She taught me how I need to be treated and that is an invaluable thing.

I'll be thinking of you,

:hugs

[jul511riv]

thank you swan for that beautiful and inspiring post.

[Swan3]

thank you swan for that beautiful and inspiring post.

Thank you! Family violence and abuse is a subject that always strikes a chord for me. Even 20 years later my sis and I are still dealing with it. And they never change, fortunately I have a positive relationship with my Dad and although he's no longer violent around me it's quite east to see the potential is still there. According to him, cultural norms made what he did acceptable and he would be ok if it happened to me (you know as long as my DH was comfortable going to the strippers with him - which is part of "Latino" culture to my Dad :eyesroll).

My mother taught me it was my right to expect a different life and not live in fear. Both my sis and I found good men who wouldn't dream of lifting a hand against us and her's is Latino like my Dad!

Once you leave it's amazing what a positive life change it is...after you've dealt with all the legal mess. It was like my life switched from black & white to colour. I know if we'd stayed with him I wouldn't have had half of the positive life experiences I've had.

[texmati]

still thinking of you, mama!

Swan, it's wonderful to hear about your mother's story-- she sounds like a great mama!

[jul511riv]

she sure does!

[Swan3]

she sure does!

Thanks guys! I tell her that every opportunity I get!

VeronicaLynne, hope things are going well for you. You are always in my thoughts. Please let us know how you're doing!

[lovemybabies924]

(((HUGS))) dont have time to read all these pages but hope it all turns out ok :)

[expecting-joy]

I didn't read all the replies yet, but I did get half-way, and there is some good stuff there. I also wanted to add that even if you were doing everything perfectly in the kitchen the food would not taste the same as what he grea up with. You just won't be able to get the exact ingredients. In our case, flour you buy in the US is not the same as flour you buy in Germany.

HTH!

And I love Aquarian's advice.

[texmati]

And I love Aquarian's advice.


:joy: I'm blushing!!! Really though, I think that this community is a wonderful place to get advice. It's full of what I used to call "potato peeling" conversation... When I was young, my mom and her sisters, and sometimes my grandma, would get together to cook. I've learned so much about life sitting at the end of the the table while everyone peeled veggies and traded stories about life.

OP, still thinking 'bout ya'. Hope everything is well.