Adoptions when mom is over 40?

[QueeTheBean]

My sister has been battling infertility for about 4 years now, and they are going to try 1 more procedure and then they are done. She is thinking about adoption, but is discouraged because lots of people have told her she'd be ineligble for a newborn or infant because of her age (40). Her DH is only 34, but I guess that doesn't matter.

Any input here would be much appreciated.

Thank you.

p.s. I personally wouldn't care if it was an infant or an older child, but THEY do want a young baby.

[wemberly]

She should definitely consider adopting a child from China. She isn't too old to be considered for an infant. In fact, lots of couples who received infant referrals last month were in their forties and even fifties. We're just starting the adoption process in China, but I know there are other mamas here who are very in the know when it comes to Chinese adoption issues.

[Laurel]

I don't think her age will be a problem, even for a domestic infant adoption. My agency use to have an age limit of no more than 45 yrs older than the child you are adopting, but they just did away with that completely. I know couples who are in their early forties or close to forty who have successfully been selected by birthparents.

I can understand why she wants an infant--I felt the same way even though we received some criticism for that decision. The people who judged us had themselves all had the opportunity to have a newborn, so I had a hard time understanding how they could begrudge us that desire.

Good luck to her! Infertility is SO hard! But adoption is wonderful!

[Tracy]

i normally am never in this forum but I was poking around on 'new posts' and saw this one and was curious...

I hate even thinking this was an issue.
I met my husband at 38. We did not get married until I was 41. I had my ds at 43.... I can't imagine not having either in my life. Some of us just have a different time schedule and it bugs me that some agencies would discriminate in that manner.

I'm a very patient mom in many ways and I think my age help...

I hope that the rules keep changing to include more 40 plus moms.

[QueeTheBean]

Originally posted by Laurel

I can understand why she wants an infant--I felt the same way even though we received some criticism for that decision. The people who judged us had themselves all had the opportunity to have a newborn, so I had a hard time understanding how they could begrudge us that desire.



Exactly--I've been lucky enough to have 2 on my own, so adopting an older child would be easy for me--but she wants the newborn experience!

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement--I can't wait to pass it along to my sister! I am so relieved to know that this could be a possibility for her!!! :love

[Tigeresse]

My dh and I are waiting for referral from China. By the time we get our referral and can travel for our daughter, we will both be 41. I know at least for China, the cut-off age for in infant is 45.

I don' t think there is a cut-off age for domestic, but I do think things will vary with agencies. One thing we were told from our agency is that birth mothers do tend to choose younger adoptive parents, as well as those with fewer children or no children already. We have 3 ds's, and thus were encouraged to look at international adoption. A situation like ours could have resulted in a very long wait.

Best wishes to your sister.

[Larklinnet]

I was 43 and my husband was 45, while our birthparents were 19 and 23. We adopted our son at birth (domestic adoption). Our age was not an issue for the agency or the birthparents. It is generally true that agency age requirements are less rigid than in the past, as the incidence of infertility and the age of pre-adoptive parents has risen. Although age may present a slight handicap, it's been my experience and that of many others I know that birthparents are looking for many other factors others than age. At 40 your sister is actually not that old compared to many others seeking to adopt!

Trabot I appreciate your reaction to the age issue - one of the hard things about dealing with infertility and adoption is that not infrequently one's motives and choices are questioned when, had one been able to have children the "old-fashioned" way, no one would dream of raising the same concerns. Of course most people who want to adopt DO give their choices a great deal of thought - for us one of the reasons we are unlikely to attempt to adopt again (at least an infant) is because we are now 47 and 49, and the age and energy gap is more daunting. But that's our decision, and the birthparents', to make.

My advice to your sister is to focus on picking an agency she and her husband feel comfortable with, and to present their information to birthparents (album, dear birthparent letter, whatever is required) in a way that reflects who they are. It's amazing how birthparents can see right to the essentials and not be deflected by age, appearance, financial status, etc. Also, though I am not very familiar with international adoption I believe there are some countries that will allow adoptions of very young children. Some dear friends brought their daughter home from Cambodia when she was 2 1/2 months old!

Tell your sister there really is hope - all of us here, in the myriad of ways we formed our families, are evidence of that!

[steph]

I agree with those who say age is not an issue - we adopted when I was just a few months shy of 43 and dh was 44. Our agency lets the birthmother choose who she places with, so they don't have any criteria regarding age, gender, etc. I'm a walking advertisement for our agency, so if your sister wants a referal, I'm always happy to comply....:) They were fast, easy, wonderful to deal with! Best wishes!

[Dakota's Mom]

I am 53. We brought our son home from Guatemala last year a few days before Christmas. He was 5 1/2 months old. My age was not an issue for them. It is a lot different parenting today than it was 30 years ago. But I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Kathi

[Clarity]

Agencies (both public and private) and different countries have such a wide variety of rules there's no way to generalize...if one is not compatible with you, find another. Age, race, finances, health, medical status, religion, prior children, all are things people run into, but there's almost another reputable agency whose rules are different. The legwork is discouraging, but Larklinnet's post is very accurate. There's often a way. I've talked to some agencies where their birthmothers have actually picked older parents on purpose! (usually believing they're more financial and emotionally stable) If you're a young single mom who can't keep her baby, some seem to pick parents that provide what they don't I guess.

It is hard to find caucasian infants...but the more flexible you are, the more likely something great can happen. I know several people who adopted caucasion infants assuming their child would be racially mixed or of another race. You never know. Having children of another racial or cultural background can be it's own challenge, but also it's own blessing.

[steph]

It is hard to find caucasian infants...but the more flexible you are, the more likely something great can happen.

Actually, in my experience, this is a myth. The agency we worked with 75% of the placements were caucasian, with another 20% being bi-racial. And over 90% were newborns and the remainder was 1 week to 4 months. You can check out the stats at www.openadopt.com They accept adoptive parents from all over the world.... So, it's really just a matter of finding the agency that works for you...

[Clarity]

The agency I know gets about 90% AA infants. It's part of where I live, mostly. So it's not a myth. There are caucasion infants, but some parents get very selective (no drinking, no drug history, no smoking, etc.) Which is why it pays to be flexible. You can sometimes get a lot of what you want, but it's hard, long or $$$ to get everything you want.

[Momma Aimee]

fourty is FINE.

My little sister's anut has adopted TWICE well over 40. her first adoption was domestic and she was 52, hubby was like 36. 2nd adoption is from China and they get that baby (2) this month. She is now 56 (57?).

It can be done. She is even a stay at home mom. on the first one they got her at the hospital; and picked a mom with no drug, no drinking, and picked a girl. but I'd suggest being more open; they waited a year for her after their approval and paperwork.

They might have to shop for soemone to work with; but I do not think Aunt Cindy had that much trouble.

I know in china the mom and dad's ages added together can't be over 100. as far as IA; evey countyr is different too.

Aimee

[EFmom]

We've adopted twice from China, and the second time I was over forty. You can also adopt over 40 from India, Russia, the Ukraine and Kazakhstan. I think there may be some South American countries as well.

The one caveat with international adoption is that you are not likely to get a tiny baby. With most countries you are looking at a 6month old at the very youngest, just due to the logistics of adopting in another country. However, once you actually see these kids, that "issue" has pretty much vanished from the minds of just about every prospective adoptive parent I've ever met.

[ramblinrose]

We adopted from Guatemala last year, I was 41, dh was 48 and our daughter came home at 5 1/2 months old...we also visited her when she was 3 months.

[Dakota's Mom]

Hey Ramblinrose

That was our time frame exactly. We visited Dakota when he was 3 months old in October, 2002 and brought him home December 18, 2002 at age 5 1/2 months. When did you bring your daughter home? Aren't little Guatlings the most adorable babies ever? Of course I'm a little prejudice here.

Kathi

[ramblinrose]

Our daughter was born Dec. 2002, we visited in March 2003, and she was placed in our arms May 30, 2003. Yes, they are the cutest kids. She is such a sweet baby too!! Which agency did you guys use? We used HAPS and they were just great.

[Dakota's Mom]

We used Seedlings in New Jersey. HAPS is in Jersey too. I think. Is that where you're from?
Dakota has grown so much in the year he's been home. It's hard to believe it's been a year already. Yet it's hard to believe he's only been with us a year. KWIM.

Kathi

[ramblinrose]

Yes, HAPS is in Jersey. But we are in Idaho. How about your family??

[Dakota's Mom]

We're in Jersey too.

Kathi

[Achelois72]

Just another perspective. Many, many years ago when I was a teenager, I was a birthmother and reliquished custody of a DD. I went through an agency, and the couple I chose were in their mid-40's--the oldest couple in the nearly 50 profiles I read. I can't really explain exactly why, but their age was a major factor in choosing them. I'm not sure why--stability? Maturity? I also think somewhere in my still child-like mind I thought nobody else would give their child to them, and they were perfect in every other way. And I met them. They were wonderful!

Just thought I'd share. Best of luck!

:love :love :love
Susan

[anythingelse]

Does anyone have a ballpark idea of the fees associated with an adoption from openadopt.com

just totally curious

[steph]

Hi, just saw your post - that's the agency we used and our fees were just under $15,000. The agency fees were around $14,000, plus we contributed around $500 towards the bmoms living expenses (via the agency) because dd was c-sectioned and her bmom couldn't work for 2 weeks, and then the lawyers/court filing fees were somewhere around $300 - it's been a couple of years now, so it's a bit hazy. I can't say enough about how wonderful they are as an agency! They were just so fabulous in every way. Both in the way they kept in touch and facilitated the process - and in their total respect of our daughters bmom. They are very kind and respectfull of everyone involved. Best wishes, and feel free to pm me if you have any more questions!

[Tinkymamma]

My parents are 54 (mom) and 61 (stepdad)...and they have 2 little girls from China. One is 3 and one is 7...the 7 year old is special needs.
Special needs children have no..ermm...restriction on age of parent adopting. That's the way it is with the organ. that my parents use. They're even considering adopting another!!!

You can E-mail my mom if you want...they're "experts" now. *laughs*

Vrtti@hotmail.com
Her name is Victoria. :)

[QueeTheBean]

Hi Folks--

I am the OP--just wanted to share an update.

My sister and her DH just decided to stop all fertility treatments--yeah!! They are proceeding with a China adoption & have already begun the process--just have a few more i's to dot and t's to cross on the application. I am so excited for them!!!

I just wish they'd done it sooner--they are figuring on about a 1-1/2 to 2 year wait. But, at least things are moving now!
I can't wait!

Thanks for the information!

:baby :baby :baby :baby :baby

[EFmom]

Very cool. Thanks for the update! I hope the time passes quickly for them till they meet their little one!

[babsjpmom]

My husband and I adopted a biracial infant 3 years ago. We were 47 at the time. Our son's birth mom actually picked us because of our age. She said that she thought we would know more about life and give a lot of love to her baby. This was my husband's first but my 5th. My others were 16 (adopted from Peru) and 3 bio sons. We are now both 50 and thinking of adopting another. You are never to late as long as you have more love to share.:love :love

[Stevie]

When we adopted DD I was almost 42 and we just brought home DS in October when I was 45.
My SW finally told me to stop referring to myself as old since we are the same age and she didn't consider herself to be old :D

eta: Congrats to your family on their decision to adopt!! They could be placed sooner with a domestic infant; if you would like to know more email me at

scuba2@ sbcglobal dot net (without the spaces)

[QueeTheBean]

Wow--I didn't realize my OP was 10/2003!

I had to come back here and update--my sister and her husband are in China right now--they have had their baby girl in their arms for about 36 hours now! She is 11 months old & apparantly very beautiful! My sister called today for about 3 minutes & we got a small email update, too. I guess the baby is doing well & not too "shell-shocked". Some of the other babies are not eating or drinking yet :( , but "our baby" is eating a bit & even slept pretty well the first night.

My arms just ache to hold her and I want to kiss her face about 1000 times.

Thanks so much for being here for me way back in 2003! And thanks for allowing me to share my joy here, too!! :babygirl: :love

[EFmom]

:champagne

Whoo-hoo! Congratulations, Auntie QueeTheBean. Please give her a hug from me and from my two daughters from China when you finally see her!

[krisnic]

That is wonderful!

[annethcz]

What a long road, but congrats to the new parents :)

[Larklinnet]

What a happy message to get in my email notifications! To your sister and her dh, it must seem like it took forever, and looking at the dates between your first post and now, it sounds like such a lengthy road. Yet when the happy ending (or beginning, really) finally arrives, all that time telescopes into what can seem like mere moments.Thank you so much for letting us know that another beautiful family has founds its way together. And a special hug to you, auntie!