I've never been to this forum before, since my son is only three, but I do have three teenage stepkids. The oldest is a total dork (I say that with love) so we never really had to worry about him. He's out on his own now at college and doing fine. My stepdaughter has Down syndrome, which of course means we have things to worry about, but not in the same way.

My 17-year old stepson (going into his senior year), though... He's incredibly smart. He gets A's and B's, and has maxed out all the math classes in his school district so he'll be taking some at the local university at the district's expense. He wants to go to college at the University of Wisconsin. He's been enrolled in extracurricular sports -- football, track, swimming -- and when he's had jobs he's a really hard worker. He's very polite to adults and looks clean-cut and generally seems like a really good kid.

His parents have been divorced since he was five years old, and while his mom has always had primary placement of the kids his dad (my DH) has been a constant in their lives. They've been with us every Wednesday overnight and every other weekend, and one week in summer. For the past year or so, though, SS17 has not really wanted to come over and has not been forced to. It is pretty boring here compared to his mom's (no cable, just one tiny TV in the basement, a toddler who requires quiet for sleeping at night, 10-15 miles from friends, etc.).

His mom got her first serious boyfriend last fall. He lives about 45 minutes away so she's been staying there overnight CONSTANTLY. So, my SS17 is home alone, overnight, all the time.

His mom first caught him drinking last fall, I think -- he was stumbling, vomiting, falling down drunk. She's caught him drunk once or twice since then as well. She's also caught him coming home completely stoned, and found pot on the coffee table. She and DH have both talked to him and each time he swears he wouldn't do anything stupid (as if he hasn't already!) and that he isn't doing anything more than "just" pot and alcohol.

Oh, and he also has a girlfriend who he admits to having sex with. AND he went through about $8,000 in a year -- he was supposed to be saving for a car. The last $2000 of that was gone in three months this past spring (we saw the bank statement since DH's name was on the account too) -- he was taking out $100 at a time, sometimes $400 over several days.

DH's ex called him this morning very upset -- she found about a case worth of beer cans stashed all over his room (in socks, in shirts, etc.) along with pot, pipes and a scale. :(

So...WWYD? He'll be 18 in a month (but he still has a year of high school left) so I can't imagine we could MAKE him stay here. His mom does admit that she thinks she needs to stay home "more" but she doesn't really get that her presence would make a difference. FWIW her boyfriend and her parents (who are overly involved in her life and very opinionated) think she should be staying home. I'm not saying it's her fault -- SS17 has two parents -- but she wanted primary placement and to me that means she should be AROUND when the kids are around. I don't know what DH could do other than talk to his son, which he has many times.

So...WWYD?

It doesn't seem like there's a lot you can do with the custody arrangement.
If I was the mom of this young man I'd see it as a wake up call to the fact that I need to be around more. Pot on the coffee table, scales and a case of beer cans in his bedroom...this kid is doing some serious partying and possibly dealing while his mom is hanging out with her boyfriend.
Is there the possibility of making your home more teen friendly and making the offer for him to live with your family?
It seems to me, whichever family he lives with will have to change a bit to give him the supervision he needs and the atmosphere to feel he is a part of the family and not a visitor.

My fear would be if the experiemntation has turned into addiction of something more-- my great fear is meth, as we've seen that happen to a couple of dear friends. Including a brilliant, loving young friend of ours. 10 years later, he's gone through rehab several times. Some people can smoke a little pot, drink a bit of beer and be OK. Other people can't. If he's stealing, or going through money like that (and buying drugs at the expense of a car he wants) , I would be very concerned. I don't know what you can do so far away, if anything. I am not even sure what one can do when it's happening in their own home. I hope he's ok.

I went through what he is going through, but at 14/15. I moved to my Grandma's where someone was home (my mom & sd were both workaholics and never got home before I should have been in bed - since I was 12! and both smoked pot themselves, and my dad is worse) My problems went away. Now of course, Grandma didn't have a toddler running around ;) and she did have cable. my rents had a nice stereo and huge music collection but I wasn't allowed in the living room unless someone was home :irked: Perhaps having him with you for a little while for some change? or put your foot down with mom's behavior? It is NOT fair to a child, numbers mean nothing to me at highschool/college age to be out all night all the time. If she needs to get laid that bad, something is wrong with her to put herself first over her son:(

I didn't have a social life when I moved out of my original school so it wasn't too bad. I would imagine your dss does which would be an important factor for him, but if it means he is going to have substance abuse problems, yanking him out may not be the worst thing as upsetting as that can be. I would certainly include him in the decision making process and making it very clear just how serious 'just pot and beer' really are. Perhaps a family meeting?

Lots of hugs!!!!

So I guess what I would do is ask your dh to get over there and see what's up. Is it experimentation, or is it something more? Going through money like that is the only reason I have red flags in my head. (I mean, he could be paying for lots of beer parties for his friends, which could account for the money loss). Has anything gone missing from the house? Is there any stuff other than pot items? Is he on other medications? Ritalin or the like? Has he needed refills because he's 'lost' his?

If there is indication that he's doing more than some pot and beer--- I'd be wavering about bringing him to your home with a toddler. Pot usage isn't going to make him dangerous or have you worrying he's going to steal your computer, so you could talk to him about making your house more teen- friendly and welcoming and asking him to stay a while.

My fear would be if the experiemntation has turned into addiction of something more-- my great fear is meth, as we've seen that happen to a couple of dear friends. Including a brilliant, loving young friend of ours. 10 years later, he's gone through rehab several times. Some people can smoke a little pot, drink a bit of beer and be OK. Other people can't. If he's stealing, or going through money like that (and buying drugs at the expense of a car he wants) , I would be very concerned. I don't know what you can do so far away, if anything. I am not even sure what one can do when it's happening in their own home. I hope he's ok.

We haven't seen indications of anything more, but we of course don't know for sure. :(

I didn't have a social life when I moved out of my original school so it wasn't too bad. I would imagine your dss does which would be an important factor for him, but if it means he is going to have substance abuse problems, yanking him out may not be the worst thing as upsetting as that can be. I would certainly include him in the decision making process and making it very clear just how serious 'just pot and beer' really are. Perhaps a family meeting?

He does have a social life, and a girlfriend. He does come over every month or so but even then you can tell he's itching to get out of here, and will leave in the evening if he can get a friend to pick him up. He's not surly or nasty or anything at all to us, but then we don't see him that much. But he's never been that way -- he does fight with his mom a lot though. Both boys did. She's does a lot of "if this happens ONE MORE TIME!" and then nothing ever happens. She does a lot of yelling and arguing but that's it. :(

So I guess what I would do is ask your dh to get over there and see what's up. Is it experimentation, or is it something more? Going through money like that is the only reason I have red flags in my head. (I mean, he could be paying for lots of beer parties for his friends, which could account for the money loss). Has anything gone missing from the house? Is there any stuff other than pot items? Is he on other medications? Ritalin or the like? Has he needed refills because he's 'lost' his?

If there is indication that he's doing more than some pot and beer--- I'd be wavering about bringing him to your home with a toddler. Pot usage isn't going to make him dangerous or have you worrying he's going to steal your computer, so you could talk to him about making your house more teen- friendly and welcoming and asking him to stay a while.

I did think of the possibility of him stealing, but I haven't noticed anything missing and his mom hasn't mentioned it. She has been on anti-depression meds in the past, though, so I'll have DH mention the possibility of SS stealing that to her. He isn't on any medications himself at all.

Even if we got cable and a big TV and moved it all somewhere comfortable for SS (which is not gonna happen -- our son is TV-free and we minimize his exposure to media), or even if we filled the house with junk food (also not gonna happen), he still wouldn't want to be here. When you're 17/18 you want to be with your friends, and if you have a girlfriend, even more so. I really think we'd be just transferring the problem to our house in a way. He'd be calling his friends to come get him and he'd be out of here. If he were 14 and none of his friends drove or had cars, maybe.

I don't have any real experience, as my DC are still younger. I did see something like this with my older brother, (and,really,under similar circumstances)), and he never truly did get the help he needed.:( In his mid 40's, has had no stability, several dui's and dwi's,and has drug induced schizophrenia(sp?)) So, with that being said, I would urge you to get him professional help-but, all I've heard-at least around here, is that "really good help" means a lot of $$.:angry

One thing I can say for sure, it sounds like this child is hurting and angry-a lot-and trying to medicate those feelings.

The scale-well, he's not measuring those bags up to see if he got scr*wed buying! That scale would mean he's selling on *some* level.

For me, I would be concerned about the safety of him, and everyone else.:(

I pray I never have to go down this road, but there are NO guarantees.:hug

I hope someone here is able to give you some sound advice, from a BTDT POW.

Good Luck! Plese keep us posted okay?

ETA: My bro was bounced back and forth between my Mom's and my dad's-that was never the solution,in his case.

Well, I would talk to his Mom and if she refuses to start being around and taking the responsability she wanted suggest he come live with you and if she says no, I would call Child Social Services on her an go after custody. First I would drain his account (what little he has left)so he has nothing to blow. When teens aren't making the right choices, it is time to step in and make them for them until they can figure it out. You are not his friend, you are a parent and unfortunately being mean goes with the territory sometimes. And yes, I have two teens (18 and 16) and luckily I have never had to resort to these measures, so my heart goes out to you both!!!!!!!!!!

I don't have a teen yet. I do, however, work at an agency that provides job readiness training with those who have significant barriers to employment. In other words, those who have been homeless and/or in jail/prison. 80% of our clients had substance abuse problems. In short, I see the end result of addiction and drug dealing. And its ugly! Ex-executives taking work as carpenters because no one else will hire them. People very grateful that McDonalds will give them a "second chance" job... And so forth.

Given all of what I see each day, drug use is a big deal for me. Even if its "only" pot and alcohol, he is dealing drugs so would go to prison if caught. He is clearly addicted to both and will start making addiction-based choices if he isn't already. Unless girlfriend is clean (I doubt it), pregnancy due to unprotected sex is a real possibility. Its time to take action now -- not just talk about being "around" more.

Since your DH has, I assume, some custody responsibility, he and SS mom should agree on a treatment plan/program for SS -- while he is still a minor they can force it, so it needs to be right now. Agree on which place he should live and be supervised. And then supervise the )*#$(#$* out of him. Drive him to meetings and treatment appointments. Supervise time with friends. Ensure he is actually attending school. Its not just being around, its making a real commitment to get him treated and well.

These last two posts sound totally reasonable to me.

This has brought up so much emotion for me, just reading about this DC. It makes me so ANGRY that my parents were too screwed up at the time, too wrapped up in their own lives, and too afraid to take action. It has come back to bite them in their a$$es BIG TIME. Yes, my brother has been homeless,never able to keep a job or friend or girlfriend. And this was my brother,who at one time in highschool(a dry time,for sure) was invited to the whitehouse by the president, because he won a writing essay.:bawl

Since your DH has, I assume, some custody responsibility, he and SS mom should agree on a treatment plan/program for SS -- while he is still a minor they can force it, so it needs to be right now. Agree on which place he should live and be supervised. And then supervise the )*#$(#$* out of him. Drive him to meetings and treatment appointments. Supervise time with friends. Ensure he is actually attending school. Its not just being around, its making a real commitment to get him treated and well.

Yes, my DH has joint custody.

I agree with you, BUT...SS17 turns 18 on September 11th. So, even if they get him into a program (and I'm not sure this would happen...unfortunately, no one ever listens to the step-mom) would this all fall apart in less than a month?

And a lot of this depends on his mom forgoing her personal life for right now, and I honestly don't know if she would. :( She's not even working right now -- during the school year she's been working part-time as an art teacher for a Montessori school, and AFAIK she isn't working this summer. So you would think she could/would be more involved.

I agree with you, BUT...SS17 turns 18 on September 11th. So, even if they get him into a program (and I'm not sure this would happen...unfortunately, no one ever listens to the step-mom) would this all fall apart in less than a month?

And a lot of this depends on his mom forgoing her personal life for right now, and I honestly don't know if she would. :( She's not even working right now -- during the school year she's been working part-time as an art teacher for a Montessori school, and AFAIK she isn't working this summer. So you would think she could/would be more involved.

Well, that would give him at least 2-3 weeks to decide to continue on this own, assuming you could pull something together soon. Beyond that, I don't know how much leverage you have with an 18 YO. Of course, maybe he would be open to treatment on his own -- he might not be entirely happy with the way things are or he might be scared about what is happening in his life. Might not, of course, but...

Yes, unfortunately, for intervention and treatment to be effective, someone is going to have to give up something. If not her, then your DH and/or your family. Its not something that is going to magically resolve itself without significant work on everyone's part.

There really isn't too much you can do to stop him. he has to come to that conclusion on his own. you may be able to help him with a calm understanding conversation. while it may be just alcohol and pot (and it often is but after a while this and that sneak in 'just once') the trouble is its illegal. sooner or later trouble will come. either from police- underage, in public, dui, dealing or further down the line when something happens or he rather continue the lifestyle even though responsibilities say not to. the amount of money and scale point to quantity and perhaps dealing to friends and he may grow out of it. but i strongly urge talking with him before something does happen.
also some of it may be contributed to the people hes hanging out with. not seeing them may help but that has to be up to him. and he knows his mom isn't actually going to do anything maybe (if your talk goes well and he agrees to stop) he can think of things that maybe help him if he slips up?

We haven't seen indications of anything more, but we of course don't know for sure. :(
.

Seems to me you are seeing signs of addiction. You all have spoken to him about this a number of times. and each time he swears he'll quit doing it and stop but so far he hasn't. I do believe marijuana is addictive and I am positive that alcohol is. he is drinking to the point of severe dunkeness and openly possessing an illegal drug. I'd say he has a problem and needs some help from a professional. I get that he is turning 18 soon, which means that all adults involved need to come together and talk about how they are going to handle it. It may not be an easy solution, but some tough love may be in order here. Everyone needs to insist that he get his act together if he is going to live off of mom or dad, otherwise all you are doing is supporting him in his addiction. ((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) to you, you guys are in a really tough position right now. i hope everything turns out OK.

Seems to me you are seeing signs of addiction. You all have spoken to him about this a number of times. and each time he swears he'll quit doing it and stop but so far he hasn't. I do believe marijuana is addictive and I am positive that alcohol is. he is drinking to the point of severe dunkeness and openly possessing an illegal drug. I'd say he has a problem and needs some help from a professional.

Not that I'm disagreeing with you, but he really never said he would stop. Just that he's being "careful" and not doing anything more than alcohol and pot. I do agree that he has a problem and needs help.

I haven't read the whole thread, but what you are describing is not use, it's abuse.

He has a scale, which means he's either selling or buying in bulk and splitting with friends. He visibly intoxicated to a mom who's absent a lot. Those are trouble signs. Intervene, now.


As an aside, though. Mom deserves a personal life. Your DH has a whole new family.

As an aside, though. Mom deserves a personal life. Your DH has a whole new family.

Well, of course she deserves a personal life. You have no idea how much of a personal life she has and has had at the expense of the kids.

Also, my DH doesn't have a whole "new" family, just an expanded one. My stepdaughter (the 15-year old with Down syndrome) is here 1/3 of the time, as my SS17 would be if he chose to be.

You said she has her first serious boyfriend after 12 years. I'm sorry if I touched a nerve, but 1/3 of the time means mom has her 2/3 of the time. And your very troubled DSS is on her shoulders all of the time.

New Mama, you obviously are very concerned about this situation and care about your DSS a lot. I'm not questioning that. But I really think that demonizing mom is not at all helpful or (from the very very little I know about it) fair.
That is coming from a custodial mom's perspective. Take what is helpful to you leave the rest. I am really not trying to hurt your feelings, just pointing out a perspective that you may not have considered.
Well, of course she deserves a personal life. You have no idea how much of a personal life she has and has had at the expense of the kids.

Also, my DH doesn't have a whole "new" family, just an expanded one. My stepdaughter (the 15-year old with Down syndrome) is here 1/3 of the time, as my SS17 would be if he chose to be.

You said she has her first serious boyfriend after 12 years. I'm sorry if I touched a nerve, but 1/3 of the time means mom has her 2/3 of the time. And your very troubled DSS is on her shoulders all of the time.

New Mama, you obviously are very concerned about this situation and care about your DSS a lot. I'm not questioning that. But I really think that demonizing mom is not at all helpful or (from the very very little I know about it) fair.
That is coming from a custodial mom's perspective. Take what is helpful to you leave the rest. I am really not trying to hurt your feelings, just point out a perspective that you may not have considered.

I understand that there are different perspectives here. I am not demonizing DH's ex-wife. I know she loves and cares about the kids, and I'm happy that she and DH can discuss parenting them.

I do, however, think she could and should be home and monitoring SS17. She's been leaving him home alone for whole weekends at a time since last fall. Why her boyfriend can't come to her house every once in a while is beyond me.

And FWIW the fact that we have my stepdaughter 1/3 of the time does not mean her mom has her the other 2/3. She is OFTEN at her grandparents' house. This is not to say that DH's ex-wife is not more involved in the day-to-day care of the kids than he is -- she is -- just that there is more to the story.

I talked to DH tonight and tried to express to him how serious I thought this was. I suggested that he talk more firmly to his ex about being home and monitoring SS17. He said he didn't feel comfortable being heavy-handed and telling her what to do. He also seems to think this is a phase, and that he doesn't think that SS17 isn't going to go on to something harder or turn to stealing to support his "habit". :( I hope he's right.

Sometimes it's really hard being the stepmom, seeing things being handled poorly but not having the "power" to do anything about it.

There has got to be more to what is going on than just the mom spending a lot of time at her boyfriends. In which case mom spending more time at home isn't the miracle cure. It sounds like the family needs counseling.

I'd be seriously inclined to call the police now, whilst he is still underage. The scale indicates dealing, and this sounds like addiction.

I'd also suggest that your husband steps up to the plate a lot more, with solo time with his son. Taking him out for dinner, to the cinema, arranging dates and quality time. Time with one's child does not have to involve sitting in dad's front room being quiet whilst the toddler sleeps, and I do feel that a more inclusive atmosphere would be appropriate.

I'd strongly recommend that you read "Hold On To Your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld, right now, this instant. It sounds like you, your DH, his stepmum and her new boyfriend need to work together to bring him safely home to you again.

Sorry DH is wearing blinders. I know your hands are a bit tie since you are the step mom, but the best thing you can do now is to watch all your belongings and money. I have a feeling when he runs out he will get a bit desperate. Also, you need to think about your baby at your home and their safety. Perhaps you could put it to your DH in those terms. What would your DH say if you told him it is your house too and until your SS gets help, your SS is not welcome there? I think that is the direction I would be going in.

It doesn't seem like there's a lot you can do with the custody arrangement.
If I was the mom of this young man I'd see it as a wake up call to the fact that I need to be around more. Pot on the coffee table, scales and a case of beer cans in his bedroom...this kid is doing some serious partying and possibly dealing while his mom is hanging out with her boyfriend.
Is there the possibility of making your home more teen friendly and making the offer for him to live with your family?
It seems to me, whichever family he lives with will have to change a bit to give him the supervision he needs and the atmosphere to feel he is a part of the family and not a visitor.I agree.

I experimented with various things as a teen also and I came from a broken home. My dad ignored me and my mother worked constantly so I was left alone to hang with friends and do what I wanted. I know how the kid feels in a way. He needs more boundaries and rules but without being overbearing at the same time since he has been given so much freedom up until this point. Maybe he is addicted to alcohol/drugs and maybe he isn't but he needs more people in his life that care about him and want to help him.

I have yet to read what other has said, and I think what other has said will have little effect on what it is that I am about to say...
1) CALM DOWN! It’s Pot, NOT heroin!
2) CALM DOWN! It’s Beer, NOT a hand gun!
3) CALM DOWN! Its sex, you have a kid, you know its fun!

He going to be 18, the last thing you need is a pissed off "adult" who thinks he knows it all in a fight with someone who (just by posting this I can see) cares about him (at least a little :-P).

Educate yourself, and him. Teach him not only the cons, but the pros too, along with the history, current state of affairs (there is a bill up right now dealing with pot), the different religious and philosophical views, as well as your personal feelings (e.i. not in front of the 3yo, doi!). Ask him why he does this or that. May be he feels better about himself, or enjoys life more if he is a little stoned, or had a drink or two. Sex, well I am sure we all know why he does that. You might try helping him find other things of help. This might be mediation, flower remedies, ext. or it might be talking with a counselor, or taking meds. Above all else though, if he is going to be doing these things, and really no matter what he is doing (it could be using a power tool), teach him how to create an environment that is copacetic to all involved, himself included. If you are planning on drinking beer, make sure you do not have something that you will need to go driving for. If one does, ether does not drink or have a parent or a friend drive. If you are going to smoke pot, do it away from kids, and other people who do not smoke, again do not drive, have food in the house. If you are going to be having sex, again not in front of kids, use protection and understand when one should be having or not having sex (Active “minor” STD, when the gf is fertile, ext.)
What you need to focus on here is not where he is or is not staying, or who fault, or how to get him help, but rather opening up the means of commutation and having him understand what is going on with himself, you, your DH, DHX, (his girlfriend,) ext. not only now but in the future, as well as the past if that plays a part.

One thing did just come to mind. How old is the girlfriend? I ask because in our state if one of the parties having sex is 3 yrs or more older they can be arrested.

One thing did just come to mind. How old is the girlfriend? I ask because in our state if one of the parties having sex is 3 yrs or more older they can be arrested.

She's a year older than he is, I think. She graduated last spring and while he'll be 18 next month he still has his senior year to go.

His mom confronted him and then argued with him about nit-picky details about when the pot was left on the coffee table :eyesroll . She told him that when she's gone he can either come with her to her boyfriend's, come to our house or stay with her parents (also about 25 minutes' drive away). He, of course, did not like any of those ideas.

But then she came up with the idea of having him spend the rest of the summer in northern Wisconsin with his great-uncle who lives up there. I guess this guy is a total straight-shooter/hard @ss type. Surprisingly, it sounds like SS17 would be willing to go as long as he's back in time for volleyball practice at the end of the month. So maybe part of him wants to get away from his friends and the whole lifestyle?

Also, my DH suggested to his ex that maybe this behavior is SS17's way of acting out some emotional needs, and she completely discounted that idea, saying it was just a 17-year old getting into trouble. :eyesroll

SS17 has always been a kid who seems totally unaffected by things. He was five when his parents split up, and while his older brother (seven at the time) totally acted up and yelled at his dad and had issues for years on and off (not a LOT, but a healthy amount, I guess) SS17 never did. He's always seemed a little flakey, like it takes him a while to catch on to a joke, but at the same time he's brilliant in school.

And in the past when he's copped an attitude with his mom he's told his dad that he's upset about how his mom treats his sister differently (letting her get away with way too much) and that it's not fair. So I really believe things DO affect him, but he may not even be able to articulate it.

Also, his mom showed him the information I dug up on the drug laws in our state, and of course he scoffed and said, "That's not how it works in [our city]." He knows it all. :eyesroll

We'll see how things go during the school year. It sounds like he still wants to do extracurricular sports, and he's supposed to be taking 2-3 math classes at the local university, so maybe being in a different environment and staying busy will turn his head around. And it does seem like on the nights he has a lot of schoolwork he doesn't mind staying with us, I guess because there are no distractions.

I really appreciate all the feedback. Like I said, it's frustrating for me because I'm not his mom, I don't see what's going on in the house, and I have no real authority beyond just giving DH my opinion. I do care about him and hope things turn around.