Scared

[Gracefruit]

Over the past four years, I have been pregnant four times, which has resulted in two first trimester miscarriages, my daughter's premature birth (she was, thankfully, very healthy and continues to be), and a second trimester loss shortly after I first felt my baby move, last December. Both my daughter's early arrival and my last miscarriage were completely unexpected and have left me greatly shaken.

My husband and I have always wanted a large family and while I certainly would love to other children, the thought of being pregnant is very difficult and troubling to me. When my very first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, a certain bit of innocence was taken away from me. I still, however, could hold onto to the notion that once I got past week twelve, once I heard the heartbeat, once I felt my baby move, it was "safe." This is no longer my reality any more and with my last pregnancy pretty much any bit of "safety" I was holding in my heart & mind evaporated right away. I feel so guilty to realize that when/if I am blessed to conceive again I will be merely "pregnant" and will not be able to think of having an actual baby until I am past the point of viability. I know I will not feel safe to share news of my pregnancy until I reach this point and that's just so odd to me. I never thought I would feel this way or have these experiences as fertility issues only happened to "other people" not young, healthy twentysomethings. Clearly pride came before the fall in my case.

My daughter is going to be turning two in November. She is in the process of weaning and pottytraining right now, slowly moving out of babyhood, and both my husband and I are pondering trying again and hoping for another successful pregnancy come January. I have been addressing some health issues that may have had an impact in my past miscarriages, including what seems to be a perpetual UTI, and have been working on other preconception care type things: eating well, staying active, addressing any nutritional deficiencies and so on. Sadly, though, overcoming my apprehensions and fears are not quite as easy as buying the right foods or taking the correct supplement. I'm just not really sure where to go from here and would be interested to hear other's experiences regarding such painful feelings. How did you overcome? How did you trust your body again? How did you not overwhelm yourself with fret and worry?

[east carolina]

:hug

I'm so sorry for your losses. Miscarriage is so cruel.

Based on your post, I see a light at the end of the tunnel for you. You still have time, you still want children. They will come.

Allow yourself time to grieve and heal. Have you thought about getting your thyroid checked? Also, sometimes recurrent miscarriage can be caused by certain clotting disorders. Do you have a midwife or gyno you trust to talk to? Just throwing this out there as possible avenues of healing and realization.

[threadbey]

I am so sorry. And I sympathize completely. I know I will feel a bit safer when I get past the point I was this time (almost 9 weeks) but I think I will be nervous all the way through (and into the post natal period, too, I'm sure).

I know that Birthing from Within (there's a book and also classes) has a lot of focus on overcoming fears. I think they focus on fears surrounding the birth process, but maybe you would be ok with just using some of the ideas and modifying for your fears about the pregnancy process. Or maybe you don't want to go near a birthing book (that's pretty much me right now :o).

You could also try a therapist if that's a possibility for you. I've been seeing one for several months (it's been a very bad year for reasons totally separate from the m/c) and while it's hard to point to some specific thing it's done for me, it does feel like it's good. You might want to look for one that specializes in grief. I found mine through an online search. I think the site was called Psychology Today or something.

Good luck and bless you. :dust