I just found this forum through a comment on my blog. I want to introduce myself but wasn't sure what to title this post.

I know my story is not nearly as traumatic as some, but I'm trying to start the process of working through what happened and this seems like a good place to do that.

My history:
A terrible vaginal birth in a hospital with my oldest child (just turned 6) that included pit augmentation, epidural, and episiotomy w/out consent or medical indication.

My second birth was a planned homebirth that ended in me being risked out by my midwife and left to suffer through a cesarean. I was pretty much forced into the cesarean because it was either that or sign out AMA and the midwife would no longer attend me at home. I wasn't up for a UC at that point and so consented to the cesarean. Officially the cesarean was for macrosomia and decels due to a tight nuchal cord.

My third birth was wonderful and really helped me heal and move past the cesarean. It was life-changing. I had a HBAC and gave birth to twin girls in my bedroom.

8 weeks ago I had another traumatic birth. I had been planning a UBAC but my babies developed a complication that landed me in the hospital. I had an emergency cesarean under general anesthesia. It was definitely necessary but was very scary and just pretty terrible. I have 2 healthy, beautiful babies and so I am thankful for that, but I am devastated by what happened.

Since this may well have been my last pregnancy, I'm unsure of how I'll move past this experience. I knew after my first 2 births that I would have more children and so I had that anticipation which eventually culminated in the HBAC. That was a huge step in my healing process. I find myself sitting here now wondering "now what?"

I'm not sure I am even ready to deal with all of this yet...

I don't really have any advice for you mama, but I couldn't read your post and not send you some :Hug. I also had a traumatic c-section with twins and am wondering where do I go from here.

But wow! You are amazing to have given birth to twin girls in your bedroom! ( I know that's not your point, but I'm amazed and thought you should know how much butt you kick.)

I am sending you some :goodvibes: and hoping for some healing for you. If you want to pm me and talk about your experience, feel free. I know for me, the biggest thing I can do is talk this through with people who I know are 'safe' to talk to.

Welcome. I'm sorry that you have had traumatic births that brought you here, but glad that you are here hoping to find healing.
Don't minimise your trauma - you have suffered a LOT during most of your births and you must be an incredibly strong woman to have gone on to have a HBAC with twins after what you had experienced before, and then to recognise the need to go to the hospital with your last birth when you knew it was necessary.
I don't have any real advice for you but want to give you a :hug I hope that you can find healing.